November 23, 2009

Things That Are Rad- Xmas at Target

I love Christmas. All the movies and music and decorations and love. Last Christmas (I gave you my heart) was a little bit stressful, and the first time in my 27 years when I said "Christmas sucks." It made me really sad. So, this year, I am getting BACK in the spirit!! I will be listening to the Christmas music FIRST thing Friday morning, and probably watching Elf later that day. I love smiling, smiling's my favorite!! Anyhow, I am taking awhile to get to the point of this post....

I went to Target after work today to get odds and ends (why are razor blades SO expensive), and I found THESE:

Yes, those are dish towels that look like SANTA!!! Two of them, for $4.99!!! Head out right now before all the crazies get them on Black Friday.

Speaking of Black Friday, I will be in bed. Asleep. Since most of my shopping is done. Are YOU going out and facing the crowds?

November 17, 2009

Just the Tip- Invites and RSVPS

Another new feature... Just the Tip Tuesdays, where I offer honest advice that doesn't beat around the bush. Today's topic- Invites and RSVPs.

It's that time of year where schedules fill up like nobodies business. There are more things to do than there is time in the day- and you can't be everywhere at once. So, I will take this opportunity to give some tips on invites and rsvps for this busy season.

If you are inviting someone:

-Don't be the jerk that says "What are you doing ____ night?" When people are already over booked, it is tough to give an answer. Perhaps they would rather watch the latest episode of Melrose Place(don't judge) than go to some (slightly pyramid schemey) jewelry party. THERE, I SAID IT. Friends often feel obligated to say yes to you, so leading in with the date, instead of the activity just isn't fair. And neither is making them buy stuff so that you get a kick back. ;)

-Give them info that is pertinent. An invite isn't just time and location. In fact, to avoid confusion and stress on your part the day of- be really clear with directions. Just because google maps exists doesn't mean it will get them to your party easy-peasy. Also- dress code/type of gathering/what to bring is always helpful. And, speaking as a girl that was single for a realllly long time... give your single friends a heads up if it will be couple land. It's just awkward.

-Be clear of your expectations. As we have seen on Real Housewives of (insert trendy city here), many a fight has been caused by late guests. So, if you have a specific start time in mind- like a dinner party type thing- let them know. If it is breezy, and people can come and stop in after one of their other 700 obligations that evening- let them know its casual (and mean it).

-Follow up politely. Maybe they saw the invite, and are trying to chose between you and something else. If you are the jerk that says "are you coming or not?!" you end up making their decision pretty easy. People don't always mean to be rude. Sometimes they just forget to do the follow up, or have to check with someone else before they can commit. So, cut them some slack and give a gentle reminder.

If you are RSVPing:

- Respond. That is what the "R" means. The rest means please. Those darn french and all their words. I know we all get busy, and that is why evite has those lovely reminders. It is fine to figure out for sure if you can attend, but if you KNOW you can't- say no early. It is much better to know that you have a smaller crowd early than to be disappointed the day of. Drop your balls and say you can't make it, don't make excuses the day after.

-If you mess up on the RSVP, say you're sorry. I don't check my mail very often, and consequently- I frequently get invites AFTER the suggested RSVP date. So- when it happened for my aunt's wedding- I sent her a facebook message with the title of "I'm an asshole." Pointing out that you messed up is better than letting people think you don't care.

-Show up if you say you're gonna. Someone took the time to coordinate, plan and provide food and fanfare based on the idea that you are coming. It takes time, effort and money. So get there.

-Follow the rules. If the invite says "rsvp with what dish you are bringing," putting "surprise" is not the answer. If it says dinner begins "promptly at seven," get there before that. Or, maybe you don't get invited next time. Unless you're family, and you HAVE to be invited. Just know somebody there is talking about you, and it might not be nice. ;)

Long story short: everybody is busy, so be polite and help each other out by communicating. Now, go have fun responding to all those holiday party invites. Here's hoping you have enough variety to be able to say no to the really lame work thing that you feel obligated to attend.

November 16, 2009

Things That Are Rad- Peanut Butter Pretzels

Alright. I have been a terrible blogger. People have yelled at me. Really, I'm not just trying to allude to a fictional fan base to make you think I am cool. One of these people may have been my mother. Another may have been a fellow blogger and friend. There were others too, ok? ;)

Anyhow- to kick my blog ass back into gear, I bring you.... "Things That Are Rad" Mondays. Let's face it. Mondays blow. Today was especially a doozie. So, instead of being tempted to bitch about the latest irritant, I will instead focus on something that makes me happy. Today- peanut butter filled pretzels. Have you had them? INCREDIBLE.

I want to say that I was first introduced to these little gems during college. It had to be then. Someone probably brought them into the dorm, or the sorority house and we all munched while watching the latest One Tree Hill or Dawson's Creek. This is of course, before everyone on One Tree Hill started sleeping with each other. I digress.

These are the perfect blend of salty and sweet. I've never had much of a sweet tooth, so this really hits the spot for me. I bought some a few weeks ago, when I went on a camping trip. For those who only know me through cyberland, just know that everyone who knows me in real life would be laughing at reading that I went camping. Since I was going out into the wilderness, I needed to bring some comfort foods. Thank you Costco! I bought the big tub, and I was really the only one that ate any. I packed them in a box and put them away.... fast forward to tonight. I looked in the cupboard, and guess what stared right back at me?

I ate about 25. Probably more than the suggested serving size.

What is your favorite snack?

October 19, 2009

I Popped My Rocky Horror Cherry

So, this weekend we went down to Tucson for my littlest sister's Family Weekend at the University of Arizona (BEAR DOWN). In putting the final plans together earlier in the week, I found out that my sister would get extra credit in her media arts class if she went to see the Midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Somehow, she forgot who I was for a moment, and was surprised by how excited I was to go. Not just go.... go in full costume. I'm a big drama geek- expect nothing less. The next couple days, we researched characters, got costumes together, and prepared ourselves for the fun. Everyone who had been to a shadow cast Rocky performance before told me it was awesome. For those that might be unfamiliar, let me take a step back. A shadow cast is when they play the film on the big screen, and then actors act it out with props and costumes on a stage in front of the screen. Over the past 30+ years, casts across the country have been putting together these shows for Rocky Horror, with the same fun interactive scenes played out: Throw rice at the wedding! Call Brad an asshole! Jump up and dance along! etc, etc. We looked up all these gags, and got ready for the participation.

On Saturday night, we spent three hours getting ready while watching the movie. We were excited to see other costumed attendees when we got to the movie theater. Marked with our "V" to signify that this was our first time (virgins), we headed into the theater. There was a little game before, an "initiation" of sorts to get the "virgins" good and prepared. After that, the movie was set to begin... I waited for instructions... maybe what to do during the movie... nothing. I figured we were good to have done our research, and all would just come to us as the movie was going on. I was completely wrong.

Before I discuss the negative aspects of the show, I will give the highlights. Magenta, Trixie/Columbia, Brad and Eddie: thank you for putting forth effort in both your costumes and performances. Most often, shadow cast members are responsible for their own costuming, and you all made every attention to detail imaginable. You knew the show, and your cues and you frequently helped others that had not done the same to prepare. Kudos to you, and you can ignore the rest of this post, because you are not included in it.

Alright- now for the constructive criticism. I have been to a shadow cast show before. I saw Repo! shadow cast performance for the film's director and co-writer/actor at Chandler Cinemas before it closed. :( The actors and crew really put on a great show. The audience was engaged and excited. Knowing a few of the actors involved, I know that the cast worked hard at their weekly rehearsals. I cannot say the same for this cast.

Most of the cast (minus the previously noted) seemed distracted and unsure of their cues. Their lines were shaky, and their movements hesitant. Costumes left a lot to be desired. I know that multiple costume changes get expensive. But if the four of us were able to get something together in just 4 days- I would expect someone interested enough in joining the CAST would make more effort. Tucson has some of the best thrift stores I have ever seen, and there are PLENTY of websites that help with costume tips and tricks. This was my favorite. I am not going to call out the other cast members individually, but I will say this: there is a difference between looking creepy/disconnected, and giving an apathetic performance, and, if you are going to look like a deer in headlights, try not to get high before the performance. Also- it is helpful if you give the same level of performance all throughout. If YOU'RE bored- imagine how we felt.

In preparing for the show, I was excited for the "audience interaction" with the props and yelling. NONE of it happened. We had rice in our bags for the wedding scene... nothing. We had water guns prepared for the rain scene... nothing. We were able to do the time warp....So, there's that. There was some yelling from the crowd. One guy- obviously assigned by the cast- was the ring leader. He seemed to be going through the motions, and was giving his canned speech with his cues, seeming almost bothered to do so. Another guy, a "friend if the cast" decided to help by yelling half of the same lines just about two beats behind the other guy. There wasn't a chance we were going to hear what was going on and understand it. Half the time, the cast seemed to feel overshadowed by them, and watched them instead of performing. And, coming from someone who swears like a fucking sailor... let me tell you this: using the word "fuck" multiple times in every sentence doesn't make you edgy... it makes you crude. There are plenty more jokes to be made, you don't have to hang out in the gutter. Yeah, there's a lot of sex in the movie. Yeah, there are gay people. Yes, gay guys fuck each other in the ass. I GET IT. Did you hear audience 's laughter towards the end? No? Nothing? Yeah, it's because they had become totally disengaged. We ended up leaving just before the show ended, as we had gotten totally irritated by the entire production.

I get that you all have a bunch of fun together, hanging out, "practicing" etc. But, at some point, you have to realize that there are other people in the audience that paid to see a show, not two hours of your inside jokes. I have wanted to see a Rocky Horror Shadow Cast ever since I knew it existed. I was so looking forward to it, and told everyone I knew that I was going. When it was a disappointment, I was really sad. I WANTED it to be great. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

I hope that with this post, I can prevent someone else from having a bad Rocky experience. I hope that the cast and crew can realize that people do want to see a good show, and I hope that this motivates them to get it together.

I want to see a real shadow cast production. Has anyone seen it now that it has moved from Chandler Cinemas to the theater on Mill Ave? I want to sew up my Rocky Horror hymen and get it popped for real.

For those that want to see, here is me:

I made the sequined glove in the backseat while we drove from Phx to Tucson.
Also- I decided I wasn't ready to wear just my underwear in public.

October 12, 2009

I'll be right baaaaack

So, let's forget the fact that I didn't blog for almost a month. I'm sorry.

After seeing Paranormal Activity this weekend, and STILL being creeped out by it while at work TODAY, I decided to lay out all my fears that have been caused by scary movies and stories. Mind you, I love scary movies. I am even the President of a, minorly inactive, Scary Movie Club. But, it still doesn't mean I don't get freaked out.

I have been debating on how to lay this out--- so let's go chronologically.

Growing up, we always watched horror movies. Loved them. I remember one summer night at about 7, my sister and I begged my dad to tell us a scary story. Can't really tell you the details, other than in the story, a monster grabbed the feet off of children that let their limbs hang off the bed. To this day, I keep all limbs ON the bed, and about 5 years ago was when I stopped JUMPING out of bed to avoid being grabbed. Thank you very much, Pop. I think that incident is why I HAVE to pull up my feet when I am scared. All of my neuroses can be traced back, I swear.

I think I can thank Child's Play for my fear of dolls. Well, that and the Twilight Zone episode with the ventriloquist dummy. Another set of films I can blame my dad for showing me. I remember being in bed the night my mom gave birth to my littlest sister, and seeing Chucky in my curtains. To this day, it freaks me out to put my back up against the driver seat ( I think he stabs someone through the seat in #2- YES, I went back for more).

I can't blame my dad for all of this. I brought a great deal on myself, reading all of the Fear Street books, as well as Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. The one that sticks with me the most was the "there's room for one more." I swear I may have linked it in a previous blog. Anyway, it is about 7 paragraphs long, so go for it. The basic story, is this guy has a dream where a man in a hearse drives up and says- "there's room for one more." The next day, the guy goes to get into a full elevator, and the SAME GUY from the dream says to him "there;s room for one more." He declines and, spoiler alert: the elevator plummets to the ground and kills everyone on board. I get on an elevator a minimum of 4 times a work day. I never get on when it is full, and i jump off if anyone says "there's room for one more. "

You know those kids that would say "bloody mary" or candyman into the mirror? Not me. Ever. Never ever ever. Because the Candyman makes me cry. Seriously, I cried during Final Destination because that scary fucker was the coroner. Anyway, I have convulsions when anyone around me even STARTS the Candyman chant. Note: this is not an open invitation to do this around me--- if you do, it is an open invitation for me to kick you in the balls/uterus. I am tougher than I was as a kid.

The scariest Steven King movie ever was the made for tv version of "The Shining." I know that it follows the book a LOT better than the Jack Nicholson movie. Of course, I can only guarantee that of the first 400 pages, because after two years of reading it- I am still not done, too scared. At least I keep it out of the freezer (15 pts to whomever gets the reference). Anyhow... because of that movie, I always open the shower curtain when I am scared. That way, I know that when I go into the bathroom at night, a partially decayed hag won't try to kiss me. Also- because of that movie, long hotel hallways CREEP me out.

I can blame the Scream series for a lot. Including my fear of looking into a backyard at night with a pool glowing (kinda sucks when you live in Phoenix), and my fear of large public restrooms. I am waiting for a killer to be hiding on a toilet, or in the next stall. Makes it really fun to go to the bathroom AT the movie theater around scary movie time. I also can't say that I will "be right back." Because---- what if I am just ASKING the killer to come for me?

Because of the movie Urban Legend, I have to check the backseat of my car 46 times before I get in. AND don't even get me started on the flip out that ensues if "Total Eclipse of the Heart" comes on.

I saw The Ring in college with a sorority sister. Four days later, we both got nose bleeds. We decided to go somewhere public on the 7th day, so that the creepy well girl would have to attack us with a large group around. Don't know what was more awkward, the fact that we ACTUALLY believed that was a good plan, or the fact that it was a kinda set up date with me and this kid I used to be in love with in HS. That movie also make it hard for me to go into any room where the tv is fuzzy, or the lights are flickering. Shortly after seeing the film, I was peeing in the back stall of the sorority house bathroom, and the lights started to flicker and the radio was losing reception... I nearly ran out with my panties around my ankles.

After Paranormal Activity, I will never again think "stupid a/c" when my roommate's bedroom door slams unexpectedly. I will now run out of the house thinking it is a demon. I'm not giving anything away, I promise. Also- the next time I wake up randomly at 2:43am, 3:15 am and again at 4:06 am..... I am gonna call in a demonologist. Also- go see it. It will be worth your $9.50.

Any recommendations on a film that will give me another crazy quirk?

September 15, 2009

More to Love- Finale

So- I'm a little pissed about this two hour bullshit- because it means I have to switch back and forth with 90210. No, I don't DVR- I am stubborn. I won't get into it.

We go brief again.... Luke brings the girls home. Tali gets to meet dad, uncle and gma first. They have big concern because she is Jewish. As she is getting grilled, she holds her own, and when dad really starts to push it, Luke steps in. Sweet move, and I think they are really cute together.

Now the whore, Malissa hangs out with him. and schools him on pool. He should read into this that she is only just competitive, and doesn't really want HIM, she just wants to win a reality competition. She sucks. Her meeting is standard, nothing special. BUT the family buys her bullshit, and calls her the missing piece. He says "the family makes sense, but sometimes love doesn't make sense." His kisses are closed lipped now.... I think he is pulling back.

(turned it to 90 just in time to watch some serious drama with an interview with Teddy, and Annie begging for Naomi to not show her sextext)

Also- in case you missed it- Glee is awesome. Freaking awesome.

The girls get to hang out together at the house, and LUKE's MOM SHOWS UP!!!

Malissa starts to suck up immediately. And rambles... and rambles.... and Tali and mom just stare. And Malissa realizes she can't play her like that. And Tali has an actual conversation with her, and Malissa is not excited and makes a big show about fixing breakfast. And luke's mom hates malissa. this is hilarious. Tali is totally impressing mom, and speaking genuinely... and Malissa made mom roll her eyes.

(turned to 90 in time to see a break up, and a cgi punch to a glass door)

Faith (luke's mom) pulls tali aside for some chit chat time. And it is awesome.

Then there is the forced one on one time with Malissa. And she babbles. She said it is too premature to consider her as a daughter in law. Luke has a chat with Mom, and Tali passes. And she won;t even really talk about Malissa. Hahahaha.

The laides get one on one dates again. And Tali is stunning. Luke needs to iron his jacket. They are sweet. And they have a good convo about the mom... and she tells him she would move to california. oooooooh. then she brings up malissa... and then saves it a little by saying that she can only hope and trust that they are strong enough to make it. OH MY GOD. She says I love you!!!!! And he says I LOVE YOU TOO!!!! And then they make out!!!!!!!!!! They are giddy. :D They totally just made me "awwwwww."

Now it's the whore's turn. She tells him at dinner that she is really nervous. and silence... and then he says to tell him what's in her heart... and she says she is scared because she doesn't want to know she is wrong about how she is feeling. I don;t think he believes her when she says she wants to be like his grandparents and be marries 52 years. But he gives her a little peck, to make it seem like he actually has a decision to make. She says " i do love you." and he says "i l love you too, you are very special to me." gross.

Luke is picking out an engagement ring. HE picks one out for both of them. The girls get pampered. Let's just get there.

Tali is absolutely beautiful. Oh My Lanta. Malissa is in fuchsia. Wow... we have a light up walkway over the swimming pool. Quite the set decoration... he mentions break up... and up pulls.... Malissa. Please. Please. Please. Please. She talks about unconditional love... blah blah. She matches the decorations really well. She is struggling, and has to say something. He talks about their instant attraction, and talks about how much they have in common and how right for each other they could be. She is beautiful, and she is adventurous... and he loves her.... for who she is. BUT ( GRIN) his heart belongs to somebody else!!!!!! She looks pissed. Like someone took away her doll. And she looks at the ring... and he says he didn't want to hurt her, and it is painful, but he has to let her go. all she can say is "everything felt so right. I can't believe I was so wrong." She says she just wants to go. He walks her out..... Hugs. And the whore gets in the limo. Deep sigh from Luke (don;t worry you dodged a bullet). She isn't even crying.... just listing why it was so right. Lame. HAHA "what makes her better than me?" THAT right there!!! You don;t even love him, you just want to win. Now she finally cries. And is giving the standards script. Such a faker.

He is talking about Tali, and says that he feels like they can change the world together. :) She looks like an angel..... He gives her this thing about two different worlds, and they would have obstacles... and he says that in the beginning he made a promise to love her for who she is, and he does. With all his heart. And she promised the same, and she does. And she makes him a better man... and then.... ring. knee.... she can';t breathe. he says "i want you to be my wife. will you marry me?" (dramatic pause) breathy "yes. i love you." Smoochie smoochie sweet.


September 8, 2009

More to Love- Goes Hawaiian

Alright, I am going BRIEF on this.

- They arrive and have an awkward Luau dance. All the girls share their insecurities with the camera.

-Individual date with Malissa. He loves their physical connection, but wonders about her level of commitment. They play with seals, and have a heart to heart picnic. She gives him some bullshit that she just wants to spend time with him, it doesn't matter what they do. They have a dinner date, and she is SO scripted. He wants honesty. Ha! She gets REALLY defensive when he says that he isn't her normal type. He thinks she is gonna break his heart, and he is totally right. She just wants to win. AND she agrees to have dessert at HIS place. Vomit. Are moaning noises really necessary?

-Now his one on one with Tali. They go sailing, as she is freaked out... even though she is in the Navy. She then freaks out bc he had planned to go snorkeling. Because being in the water is her biggest fear. But she goes in, bc love heals all. Gross. I really want some cake. I have been craving cake for a few weeks. Chocolate with whipped cream frosting sounds good. Sweet sappy dinner, and they are in love. HE asks if they can go to his room and snuggle. :) Haha, she is totally giddy. They're cute. Officially. and get in the hot tub.....

-Mandy;s turn. Apparently she is at the top of is list, but is the most guarded. They have a date where they eat fruit, and she bitches about him dating other girls. Then they get in the limp and go to dinner on a boat. He asks her if she could see herself being married to him, and of course she says "yeah." And then they eat each others faces in a kiss. She says "can you see it?" and he answers yes. And then they make out, and he asks her to stay the night on the boat with him to watch the stars. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After the commercial he will have to make his "toughest decision yet."

I ignored the bs conversation they have every week. The two left go to meet his family. Tali- good. I like them. Malissa is sweating. I don't believe a thing she says. But he chooses her anyway.
Do we really need Emme as a host? Mandy is crying. He feels terrible. She won't even look at him. She cries in the limo. She thought he was the one.

If he picks Malissa next week, he deserves the shit he gets.

September 1, 2009

More to Love- Meet the Parents

Gosh, Tuesday at 8 comes fast. I have been rocking and rolling today working on Halloween/Futuristic costume party outfits/logistics, and to be honest, I really don't want to be torn away for this..... OH WAIT! My friend came up with a drinking game!!!

Her game from last week:

*Every time someone cries
*Every time someone says they "had a connection"
*Every time Luke makes out with someone
*Luke refers to liking "big"/"curvy" women
*Girls complain about dating, how the guys always thought they were fat
*Every time the camera shows them eating
*Every time one of the girls says she is "falling in love"
*Every time food is shown
Play along if you want... thank Melissa later.

Tali gets a one on one with a "race to the finish line!!" She always looks really put together. I like her. He says she's really serious, so he is taking her go kart racing to get the fun out. So, SURPRISE!! Her aunt and uncle show up. Her uncle and her seem really close... like, in a creepy way. Now there is a discussion about religion and class structures in Israel. Uncle questions whether her family would even accept him. Wow.

Back at the house. Mandy gets mail and acts like a spaz. "Here's to a CALM night." malissa says mandy is too hyperactive for Luke. Ha.

Tali and her aunt chit chat, and the bald white guy uncle tells him what it's like trying to be accepted into the family. It freaks Luke out. Because who really wants to get this serious after a week? Because that is pretty much what this is in real time.

Tali comes back, and the other girls grill Mandy while she is getting ready. Especially Malissa. Mandy tells her to STFU. Finally. She cries, and Malissa laughs. Because she is a malicious bitch. She sees Luke and is "rejoyed" with happiness. Is that a word? They get out of the car, and she is immediately greeted by her parents. So much for alone time, eh? He loves her parents. We also learn that Luke's dad is a butcher.

Back at the house, Malissa is trying to figure it out... what is a "CALM" evening. Oy... who cares? Tali gives an explanation of self control.

Back to the date. Her mom says that she is confident, but sensitive. Like, cry in the bathroom and slam doors sensitive. He asks if she is ready to settle down, and her mom says (pause) (pause) that she is ready for a serious relationship, but isn't running to the alter. Apparently she is ready, and is irritated that her parents tried to say they should get to know each other.

Anna you "strike me as a girl that likes to have fun." So they are going bowling. Ew... they are all pervy on their meet up. Her shirt is open in the back. Whuh? Apparently she is an amazing bowler, because she used to do that instead of go to the pool. The sexual tension makes me uncomfortable.

Back at the house.... Malissa "I've gotten a little taste of alone time with you, and I am rady to try some more.... " Gross.

Back to bowling. Hey, Luke- throw a little softer. Don't break the lane. She wins... and goes full girl mode when her parents show up. Her dad has a FUPA. Luke gets grilled, but totally handles it. He is ready to get married. Where are these guys? Ha. I guess she has to travel a lot for work, and they get scared that Luke can't handle that.

Oops... forgot the show was starting again... missed part of Malissa... they are tasting food and wine blindfolded, and he brings in her sisters. Her blonde sister is trashy. Gross. They look nothing alike. And they are bitchy. Apparently they have gone through a lot, and mom died when they were young. Her bitchier sister asks if he is a cheater.... I think Luke is getting offended at how they are talking to her. OH! Apparently the bitch sister has a 4 year old, and she never babysits. Holy shit. This is a train wreck. He asks what they would think if he proposed. The nice sister saves the day. They look nothing alike.

She can't wait to get home to tell the other girls that he asked the proposal question. Hahaha. Awesome. The other girls freak out.

Catty catty catty at the mixer. Alone time with Tali. She asks what she talked to her uncle about, and she rolls her eyes. She says that it won't be that big of a deal, because she has talked to her parents about it. Right. Malissa and Anna have bonded, as they think they are the final two. Anna and Luke have a serious conversation about whether her modeling career and a serious relationship can work. Mandy is totally insecure, and shows it. She HAS to ask about the proposal question. He says he was just trying to gauge what they were really thinking. Mandy appreciates the assurance. He says Mandy may be clingy or needy. OR maybe she doesn't want to think about her dude wanting to marry another chick. Malissa and Luke hang out... and of course he brings up the babysitting. She kinda dances around and tells him what he wants to hear. He is on to her... time for the rings...

Blah blah, meeting your families gives me a glimpse into the future, starting a family.. blah blah. The girls still ponder what they have been pondering the whole time. Malissa is in. Tali is in... I lay money on Anna for the last ring.... OH SNAP. Mandy!!!! Anna is not pleased. He asks to walk her out... he thinks that she isn't ready for a relationship. He tells her that it is hard to see what it would be like being together. She whines... holds back the tears. She of course says the whole experience was great... blah blah. And she breaks. Cmon. what kind of model wear pink lipstick with a red dress.

AND TRAVEL DATE to somewhere I didn't catch because they were screaming.. oh Hawaii.

August 25, 2009

More to Love- sexy 6 down to 4

So, I have decided that if tonight's episode sucks, I am over this show. Let's see how it goes!

First- I am so glad I don't watch Hell's Kitchen. What a piece of shit show. If I wanted to hear an hour of yelling, I would watch political TV.

So, I think all the girls that are left have made out with Luke. I am glad he got rid of Lauren and Melissa. Those chicks bugged me hard core.

Why is it necessary to have clips of them eating? We get it. Mandy and Kristian are apparently going dancing. Kristian wished that Mandy breaks an ankle. These ladies were chosen because they are the best dancers in the house, as witnessed by the prom episode. Mandy has a pretty dress, but needs to wear a bra. Seriously. Kristian has quoted two movies in the last monute: "I've got moves you've never seen." My Best Friend's Wedding- and "it looks like two pigs wrestling uner a blanket."- Steel Magnolias. Apparently she is a Julia Roberts fan. They dance.

Back out the house, the four other girls make cupcakes and cards.

Back at the date- one on one time, and Kristian goes first. Luke has his shirt opened way to far, and has his collar popped up. Ew. Dirty dancing. She is "so in love!!" Yes, because that can happen when he is dating other women. Oooooh. Mandy sees their kiss and gets pissed. Hello, welcome to dating on a reality show.

Mandy wipes up her slobbery tears and goes on her one on one. She tells him that she is starting to shut down based on the circumstance. You know, like a normal person when they know that the person they like is dating someone else.

The remaining date is an adventure one on one date with Malissa. You know, the first one he made out with? The one that disappeared for awhile. And now begins the whining... Helicopter date!! Okay, side bar- how many of you have actually BEEN on a helicopter date? I know that I haven't. The way these reality shows do it, you would think it is standard protocol for date 5. They go to a vineyard to eat (duh- cuz they're heavy, get it?) and to drink. Their conversation is kinda lame, but they are feeling a connection.

Back at the house. Another letter that Kristian has found. Anna, Heather and Tali are "digging in" to another date. Theyu need to be ready for fun in the sun, aka... the beach. Tali is pissed bcause it is another date in a bathing suit. It is pretty lame. I would be pissed.

Back to thte date- picnic make out. She says she has always been curvier, but I remember and episode when Kristian called her out for not always being curvy. Hmmm. Me thinks her and Luke are lying..... and they will end up together and start a new show where they lose weight.

The next part of their date- the tandem bike. How dorky. Why are there random zebras on the vineyard? And... he broke the bike. And it is still the best date of her life. Of course.

The other girls are really jealous. Especially Anna, who, btw should not appear on camera withour makeup. And Malissa is in love, and Kristian is dying and questioning the love, because obviously she is the only one that loves him. She gets all self pity in the hot tub. And Heather feels bad because she isn't in love. Because most people don't after the first month. And the dramatic music comes in.

Beach date... ew. ew. ew. He just said maybe I can take my shirt off, and you guys can rub on me and rub some stuff in. Slapping some oil on me... I am so uncomfortable. He walks on the beach with Tali, who talks about how she is jealous, because the other girls are further ahead. She has a super cute cover up. He looks at her like he wants to eat her fce. Weird. He is so weird and creepy and slimy.

Back at the house. FYI- "romantical" is not a word, Kristian. And she is nasueous. Maybe she is carrying a miracle baby created through their love.

Back at the date- Anna is on the boat with him, and is talking about how all the girls are in love. Luke sees fireworks with them. I don't. Now he has alone time with Heather who ALSO complains about him seeing other girls. Heather is losing her grip on him, because he doesn't like her insecurity. Because at the end of the day, he isn't looking for a good friend, he is looking for a wife.

Time for the Mixer. He asks Mandy about a difficult time in her life. She had an eating disorder in highs school. They talk about how she is confident and confortable, and Kristian is creeping and analyzing their body language. Heather is stresssssssssing out. She has a chance to redeem herself on her one on one and tells him crying that she wants to stay around. He says he loves who she is.. blah blah, he really just looked freaked out. Anna is IN HIS FACE. Kristian is planning on telling him she loves him. And does it in three languages.... and makes hims guess. And she says she is falling deeply in love. And he breathes heavy and looks down. Always a good sign. It "touches his heart," and thanks her for opening up to him. She kinda lies a little bit to Tali about what his response was... Tali freaks out. She goes to get the dish from him, and confronts him. He tells her not to listen to the girls in the house, to listen to HIM and her heart. Vom. Now he says he has to break some hearts.

Elimination. Two are gone. (insert cliche about making the right decision) Kristian has lost he damn mind, and I am over her. Anna. Good Lord, she is TALL. Malissa. I am nervous that Heather is going to explode. Mandy. Tali has a death glare. One ring left... tali, heather and kristian are left.... he gives it to Tali. Holy SHIT. This is gonna get UGLY. Heather hugs him and cries, but still feels confident. He taught her to spread her wings.. vom. How embarrassing this is for Kristian, who says that she loves him, and she wishes him the best. He breathes heavily and walks out after her. She sobs into his suit. He says that he wants what is best for her, and that it isn't him. Because he is a slime.OMG. She is doing the gasping sob. Oh my. She hopes it wasn't her weight, because she is the biggest in the house. I can tell you that I am sure it wasn't your weight. It was more about you being a fucking psycho stalker.

Next week: all four girls get a one on one and their parents are there. And he asks Malissa's sister: "what would you do if i proposed to your sister." Okay. I'm in for another week. DARN YOU FOX!!!

August 24, 2009

Dear Heidi Montag, You Suck. Love, America

There are plenty of people that are famous that should not be. I can't change this. BUT I can question why millions of Americans continue to feed into the system. Heidi Montag sucks. She has no talent, and has changed her features through so much plastic surgery that I know longer consider her to be an attractive human being. Her "husband" is a blatant media whore, and did I mention she has no talent? Please, someone tell me how she got this gig?

Not that the Miss Universe is such a huge gig, but seriously. Dennis Richards is a better dancer. Also, Heidi- Britney's ass looked better in those pants when she wore them in 2000. Side note: Britney actually CAN dance. Singing ability is irrelevant to this conversation, as both are studio creations. DO NOT BUY her album. DO NOT BUY a magazine cover with her on it. INCLUDING that piece of crap Playboy shoot she did. STOP FEEDING THE BEAST. LET HER VANISH FROM THIS EARTH. Just like Corey Feldman.

August 18, 2009

More to Love- Now I know How Joel McHale Feels

YES! I love the episodes where the girls have to judge each other, and point out each other's flaws. :) In this show, they flip a paddle to signify "good wife" and "bad wife."

Kristian- apparently she is crazy and doesn't keep her cool. Duh.
Heather- Good wife, bubbly, fun and huge heart. Why is Malissa being nice? Lauren points out that it isn't about how nice people are, and takes it to the bitch level. :) Because apparently being kind to others is not as important as it is to be able to cook dinner.
That one girl- irrlevant.
Malissa- high maintenance.
Lauren- vulgar. haha.
Mel B.- get ready for the waterworks. you can tell because of the way the music changes. Bad wife. immature. needs more life experience. and voted the worst wife... girl. you are 21. get over it. you are not going to meet the love of your life on a reality show.

heather and mel b get alone dates. lauren is pissed because she has no alone time. because she is a bitch.

Mel B's date---she is so awkward. he needs a lady with confidence, he says... and she asked what he thinks about her... and he runs around the bush. and after a flash to the house, they have belly dancers arrive to the date. good Lord Mel b. get over it. grow a backbone. try some self affirmations. this girl needs a babysitter. she's out.

Heather gets to go somewhere with a ballgown... don't know where. I missed it. (stuff stuff stuff)
Now she gets drilled on what kind of mom she is gonna be. And he says... there is something i need to tell you.. it is weighing on me.. "i have three kids." cricket. cricket. he laughs. He just wanted to break the ice. And now he talks about how he is basically saving her life with his awesomeness. Wow, it must be amazing to be able to make so many people's lives now worth living. I need to meet him so that I can find my purpose in life. VOM. This guy has such a huge ego, it is gross.


Group date... the girls are talking about french kissing him. :) And, they are at a spa. And have to get a robe on and meet by the pool. what is the deal with him wanting them naked all the time. Malissa and him get a little bathroom hot tub action with her tiggo bitties (boyf says _ you notice that they cover his bitch tits with bubbles) popping out. All the girls are jealous. And Lauren asks if they french kissed. And Mandy cries. Guess what. You are on a reality dating show!!!! There is a girl on here who's name i don't know. Because she is irrelevant. OMG IF FOX PUT FOOTAGE OF ME PULLING MY BATHING SUIT OUT OF MY ASS I WOULD SUE. Oh yeah, Mandy gets alone time. She is gonna cry and get whiny. He wants to make out with her... because he is a perv. Apparently, it "did something to [his] heart." Yeah, the heart in his penis. Lauren gets alone time, while the
others play with guacamole... and then Luke hears the fun and ditches Lauren. This is so turtles.

It's mixer time. Lauren gets some alone time.... he totally calls her out for being competitive. Mel B is spying. Umm. Mandy is not big. Like, maybe a size 10 on a bloated day. What the hell? They have a weird moment where he feels like he is hiding something. TWICE NOW, Mel B has said "so do you" in response to "you look beautiful." Um, guys are handsome. And he has changed her life, and she is in love. Anna looks like HELL with no makeup.

Here it is.... ooh. Emme says they could be one step closer to leaving with "their potential husband." Ha. Standard.. this is so hard... jerk, jerk... so close... Heather. i think she may be my new fave. Tali... lets back off on the lipstick. Malissa A. (he played a fun game where he paused, so they had to hear thelast initial). Mandy. Kristian. She is all smiles. Ok, one more... and these girls are nuts. Anna. hahahaha.

Lauren- basically laughs at him. FYI- he didn't choose you because a) you;re psycho. b) you have a boob tat. Mel B.- learn to love yourself. In a few ways. The other girls giggle when she leaves. Sad.

Next week---- drama with the sexy six. They better make this less predicatble. I'm bored.

August 17, 2009

Monday, Monday- can't trust that day...

I was signing in to put up a typical post, bitching about whatever- and I realized this is my 60th post. I feel a little pressure to have this be special... so, when I bitch, I will try to be funny and insert interesting anecdotes. You know, just like Denis Leary (yes, it is one n).

Things that have driven me crazy over the last month:

- When people are late to a meeting/date by more than ten minutes. Even if you let me know you are going to be late, if you do it regularly, I assume you don't value my time. Learn how to schedule better.

- The fact that people think they are ACTUAL FRIENDS with celebrities when they follow them on Twitter. I nearly shit myself when Adam Richman tweeted me back, but I have a clear understanding that we don't actually know each other, and I don't hold him to some weird standard of friendship (like some weirdo creepers on his page do).

- While we are on the subject of Twitter- just because you can put 140 characters up every minute doesn't mean what you have to say is relevant. Anyone can type into a box. Monkeys can do that. Is this person even using English?


-Old people that curse the internet/cell phones/email. I am sure that those wretched automobiles took a little while to get used to as well. But, c'mon. This cursed internet thing isn't going away anytime soon. Either get on board, or STFU. Larry King does it.

- Crappy protest signs. If you want people to think you are legitimate, take the time to : spell check, use a ruler, try a marker.

-The media. Lame reports on shit that isn't news. Kate Gosselin is not news. You know what else isn't news? Taking sound bits from crazy people that just want to stir shit up. Or basically just saying whatever you want to get viewers.

- While we are on lame sound bits- anyone who doesn't actually know anything they are talking about when it comes to politics and world events can STFU. Don't care if you are red or blue, if your statement comes from the land of bullshit, I don't want to hear it.

- Unprofessional relationships with your boss. There is really no reason to be text messaging your boss past 8 pm any day of the work week and anytime that is not between noon and 5 on the weekend (if your job requires that). Especially if your boss is of the opposite sex. Since when is that acceptable behavior?

- People who are never happy. Granted, I bitched this whole post. But, I am a happy person otherwise. I have friends that I adore, a family I couldn't live without, a boyfriend that makes me laugh, and a job that keeps me entertained(with fun co-workers to boot!) All those thongs things are what help me get my head back in the game after a rough day. If every day is a bad day, and nothing makes you happy- figure some shit out, because life could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

August 14, 2009

AHHHHH! Kelly Clarkson

First, let me tell you that I think Kelly Clarkson is amazing. Second, let me tell you that I think he positive body image is admirable; I only wish I could appreciate myself as much as she does. Third, let me tell you that SELF magazine is a piece of shit publication. Apparently in their “Total Body Confidence Issue,”they decided to insert an article about Kelly Clarkson loving herself, but then delete a major portion of her body for the cover, via airbrushing.

What kind of message does this send? You can love your body, but we need you to be hotter to sell magazines? That is what I read into it, and I am sure I am not alone.

Photoshop is a great invention. Smooth out some lines, brush away cellulite- yeah, I get it- no one REALLY looks like that. But when you alter a person's picture to drop them 3 dress sizes, that is absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible. If you don't like the way she looks, find somebody else to put on the cover. I am sure Jennifer Love Hewitt would love some publicity. Or some work. Or just someone to give her the attention she is so desperate for.

August 13, 2009

MOVE, get out tha way!

I have always hated bicyclists. Well, not ALWAYS. My 8th grade math teacher was one, and any time we wanted to get out of a lesson, someone was nominated to ask her a question about it, and then we didn't have to do math that day. It was great. But somewhere along the time that I really started driving, I began to despise them. Not because they are involved in physical acticity, but because they think that they deserve teh same space on the road that a car does. That's just bullshit as far as I see it.
Where is this random rant coming from, you ask? This douchebag biking up Washington this morning while other people (LANES of them) were trying to drive to work.
Note- it is raining in Phx today

Please notice on your right: a cross walk, and a sidewalk. Apparently neither of these are good enough for this asshole. What happened when the light turned green, you ask? He cut me off, and started biking ahead of me at 13 mph. IN THE RIGHT HAND LANE! Hey- Lance Armstrong- this street isn't closed for a race. People are trying to get to work. Move the hell out of the way. Maybe try a bike path, or one of the many mountain paths, or shit- maybe just a side street. Regardless (side note: in case you didn't know, irregardless is not an actual word), you are not a vehicle and it just messes shit up when you pretend to be one.

August 11, 2009

More to Love- Prom!

The littlest sister is heading to U of AZ this week, so we are having some bonding time. I am typing this on her fancy new laptop. I remember when I went to college, and had to wait until second semester soph year before I got one… but I digress.

Sister has not seen an episode, and is not so excited to watch this… but oh well. I am the big sister, I win. The bet tonight- I guessed 8 will cry, work friend guessed 7, sister guessed 6. This is gonna be tight.

How freaking long is this recap??!!??Between the recap and my blog, everything is laid out, so feel free to join in anytime.

So- Kristian wanted the dirt on how bachelor looks in a bathing suit. Also- she says she wants to cover him in bbq sauce and eat him like a pork chop. Oh Lordie.

The Bachelor gives some bullshit about how growing up, a lot of us (he was not one) were pushed aside... blah blah. And he is taking them to prom. Fyi -I didn't go to prom. Now the girls tear open the boxes. looking for a dress. Now we get to hear how many went to prom. So far, Kristian- but she stole her friend's date for a photo. Some other chick took a friend. Lauren didn't go, bc the guy she was dating didn't realize it was her prom... Luke loves the ladies, and why is Melissa wearing white? and crying? she sucks. I hope she leaves.

Ew. there is a reality show about the Octomom. I agree with sister: " i hope that CPS sees this and takes her children away." That would be nice, but so would her being eaten by a bear.

Luke wants to give them the prom night they have always dreamed of. Also- it wasn't Luke's idea.. he just does what the producers tell him to do. Sister says.. " a lot of these girls aren't that big." Right? Kristian is a shitty dancer, and is getting a little fan girl. And she gets her kiss. Sister laughs. Ugh. Melissa can't dance... seems like crying is her main skill. Her prom was awful. How awkward is this... he dances with one at a time.. and the other girls just hang out. And- another kiss. WHOA! What is Emme doing here at the beginning of the show!! With a surprise!! His friends are here!! ... I hope one gets drunk and hit on a girl.. OOOOH! There will be a queen, who receives an individual date with Luke. And I don't know how they win, since sister was rambling. Chase is the frat friend. Who are some of these girls? Apparently Danielle is a plus size model, and Heather gets snubbed because she doesn't talk. Who is this lady in red? Have we seen her before? Oh- Mandy- she looks less like a dude. Amazing what a professional make up crew can do.

Now, it is time to announce who his best friends have picked as prom queen. Danielle. :) The receptionist that is pretending that she runs the whole organization. Lauren is a bitch, and Heather is sick of sharing him. Umm. You signed up for this. Danielle cries. (2) Bonnie- since when is the prom queen the most liked? I think you are confused with miss Congeniality. Danielle has been on three first dates... blah blah blah. He just stares. Maybe that is why you don;t get a second date. Just sayin. She doesn't eat seafood..

Back at the house.. the girls talk shit about Danielle.

Back at the date- Ew. She SLAMS the dessert. A chocolate covered banana. And keeps talking. With chunks of chocolate spewing from her mouth. He was wiped out from her. So, he wants to be quiet.. and she babbles. and says "i am still a virgin." AWKWARD. His response... " I like being on the water." She makes some lame mention of a fitting metaphor, looking out and seeing endless possibilities.

Luke is going to give Heather some one on one time. Why is Kristian wearing a cowboy hat? Hey Lauren... put the big eyes away and stop being a CU Next Tuesday, and maybe you might get more of what you want. Heather and Luke go to Trust Ranch. Luke asks the question everyone is thinking, "Is my horse going to mind that I am over 300 lbs?" It's cool.

Back at the house. Kristian tells Dani she wants to ring her next. Then Melissa B. ASKS K to tell her about her. She said that she thinks she is hiding something. AND THEN MELISSA SAYS SHE IS BEING ATTACKED. Hello you asked her opinion.

Back to the date- Heather talks about her singing career. Luke tells her to go for it, and she doesn't because of her size. AND she cries. She thinks Luke could love her, because she loves herself. And the kiss. Sister laughs. I think she is surprised by the amount of kissing. I forgot to warn her, and apparently she only reads the blog posts that "are interesting" to her. Doubt she'll read this. Lame.

I am a GLEEK. So is sister.

Now it is the evening mixer portion of the evening. It was so nice that blondie was out of this episode. Christina- you should be concerned, because I don't remember you. Luke and Lauren have a moment. Danielle- there is a difference between a "political campaign" and being emo in the corner. Jerk. OMG. Bonnie brings him a present, IN HER BOOBS. It is a drawing. Oy. Hey, Kristian. Dial it back. four days... you are falling for him?!?! HAHA. Sister is addicted. Kristian cries.

Ring time. Four go home. It is "a lot." You know, one more than last week, and one less than the week before. Malissa isn't as confident this week.

Here we go... Luke gives the same "luckiest guy" bullshit speech. Get to the good shit. I think I need four more criers to win... heather is in. Mandy is in. Why did he call her second? Anna- who are you? Shut up. Oh, he gives her a ring. Lauren. Of course. She is a drama creator. Just wit until we get to a "who would you vote off" show. She will be amazing. Tali- in. Melissa B is in. Malissa A looks pissed. Two rings... Malissa. And Kristian. So-- Bonnie is out. two lame girls whose name is don't remember are out, and the babbling brooke is out. One of the no names cries. Of course she is surprised by who stays. Bonnie does not cry. She is rocking. The other no name girl calls it out that she is prettier than the other that are her- specifically Mel B. Danielle pretends like she learned the biggest lesson. Wells, but no drop.

Yes!!! Next week the girls have to say why other girls suck!!! And Lauren is going to give a star performance. And there are so many questions!!!!

I got lost on the cry count--- but it was under 6- so work friend, you win. I hope this covers for you missing the episode.

Edward Cullen is a Creep

I must tell you, I have had numerous people tell me about Twilight. Some good, some bad. And from what I had heard, I was not impressed. But, because I feel that you shouldn't spout off about something you know nothing about- I decided to read it. I will tell you now, before you invest too much time, that I hated it. If that turns you off, click away now. I will also tell you that the fact that grown ass women find Edward Cullen to be an amazing man disgusts me. If that turns you off, click away now. It also is incredibly disturbing to me that young girls find Edward to be an ideal mate. If you don't want to hear about how he is an emotionally abusive asshole, then click away now.

So- for those 5 people that are still here with me, thanks. You may not agree with me, but I thank you for taking the time to hear me out. First, let me say that it has taken me a month to read this book. Granted, I was a little busy- but- unlike so many who have told me it was amazing, I fell asleep 9 times reading it. No exaggeration. Last night, I decided to focus and get this book out of my life.

I think part of my problem in reading the book, is that I had the actors in my head as the characters the whole time. And I am not entirely fond of them. In fact, thinking of RPats just creeps me out in general. I tried to get past it...but by no means is Stephanie Meyer a literary genius. She writes fiction for teenagers. Can't fault her for that, as I single handedly supported R.L. Stine and Ann M. Martin's career's during my teens. But- to say that she is a great author of our time, c'mon. Great authors of our time use a thesaurus. How many times can you say "dazzling" "sparkling" and "chagrin." I credit the dear friend who let me borrow her book for that knowledge, as she highlighted every occurrence in the 490 pages. Let me just tell you, it's a lot. I didn't REALLY get into the book until about page 345, when Bella is being hunted. That is when I started to turn the pages at rapid speed. The rest of the book was just too much set up, and the twist of the hunter being the one that created Alice was so juvenile. Because it is a book for teenagers.

You hear that, grown ass women who think Edward Cullen is a God? This book was written for teenagers. I have no problem if you want a light read. I really don't. Sometimes you just want something light hearted and entertaining. But when you cross over to this stage, you need to get a life. Yeah, I said it. Here is an excerpt from crazy town:

"In a way, Meyer has created the boyfriend we’d wish for our daughters and the cautious, responsible, gentlemanly son we’d be proud to call our own. Or, forgetting our age, she's created a character we wish could be our own love interest!"

Okay- Here is where I get to the serious stuff. Edward is not an amazing boyfriend. He is an abuser. Granted, we don't get to serious stuff until the last book (yes, I have heard about the sex scene), but there are so many red flags that it frighten me that girls think this is an ok relationship. Before you say I am overreacting, I would like you to take a look at something I became very familiar with in a college course that I not only took, but assisted in teaching for two semesters after.
This is the wheel of violence.

Now, please allow me to show you the read flags that I found simply in the first book of the twilight series:
-playing mind games
-controlling what she does, who she sees, who she talks to (and follows up by eavesdropping!!)
-using jealousy to justify actions
-using male privilege (making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle")
-threatening to commit suicide
-making her do illegal things (or just lie to her dad and run away from home)
-blaming her (because she just can't seem to keep her little lamb ass out of danger)

Here is a pretty interesting article that I found that lines up personality traits of abusers with actions of Edward throughout the entire series. Since I haven't read the whole series, I will let you click through if you want some more back up. She even sites page numbers.

I don't even think I need to get into the other creepy things he does, like watching her sleep, smelling her, telling her he wants to eat her, allowing her to think for the first month that she was worthless and that he hated her.... that is all minor when you look at the big picture.

If you think I am being over dramatic, so be it. I just think that people should take a little more care in what their children are reading. After all, as a parent, it is up to you to teach your children love, respect and what constitutes a proper relationship.

And if you are just reading it for fun- by all means go ahead. I watch trashy reality shows, I can't judge you. I just hope you just take a moment to think about it from a different angle. That's all I ask.

Alright Twihards- let me have it!!!

August 6, 2009

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

John Hughes was responsible for creating some of my favorite movies (that I constantly quote): 16 Candles and Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Breakfast Club. I was SURE I was going to marry Jake Ryan, I felt Ferris's pain about never having a car, and every time I hear and 80's song-I dance like Molly Ringwald did in the bookshelf in the Breakfast Club.

Thank you John, for giving me years of laughs and wonderful memories.

Not able to embed- but one of my favorite Breakfast Club scenes.

Feel free to post your favorite quotes.

August 4, 2009

More to Love- second helping

Gotta love a serious opening montage. Lots of "love," tears, kisses, attitude, etc. Love it even more when it is followed by a serious recap, of ONE episode. So- at work today, I bet a co-worker that 6 girls would cry this episode. She said they all will. Betcha I'm closer. :)

First dates!! Two group dates, and the girls get to pick the two groups. The captains are the skeezes that kissed him first. Now we get to relive Melissa's fear of being picked last. Whine. She gets picked fourth. Someone gets smart and realized that someone won't get picked, since there is an odd number. Bet ya she gets picked for the single date. Someone else bitches about being picked last for red rover. Last time I checked for red rover, you WANT someone to bust through a big line, so---- bigger is preferred. You don't want the skinny weak chick for that game. The kids at her school had no strategy. Ha- one girl tells us that Christina was picked last because she was a snob. Haha. And... she gets the single date. Reality show writers----- do you need me?!?

Team Melissa- Crusing out at dusk. Yay. Kristian called him the "bees knees." Love that phrase. Ooh, it is a crusie on the "dreamboat." I hope someone gets seasick and pukes off the side! Seriously... no sooner than I type that- and I get what I want. Hahaha. Talk about buzz kill. Heather was the puker, and she whines and cries.. Malissa is a bitch. No sympathy- and just says "got another one out of the way." Wow. How does Malissa get herself more alone time.... to MAKE OUT AGAIN! And while we are at it... why does she spell her name that way?
And- they eat a big steak dinner. I have officially chosen Kristian as my favorite. She calls Malissa out because apparently she hasn't always been fat, she just let herself go after high school. Kinda like the bachelor- so, funny how that works out. YAY Kristian gets one on one time with dessert. Oooh. He calls her a "special girl." Hm. Wait- I think I hated Kristian last show. Crap, I am such a hypocrite.
So- why does Heather have to sleep downstairs? Can't she take ome medicine and be social? He is such a player. He brings her upstairs to snuggle and chat. AND she cries. Again. Another cheek kiss. Another crying interview. This girl needs THERAPY. It is not healthy to cry that much. Maybe THAT's why you can't keep a boyfriend. I want to mute her, and I have only known her for 20 minutes.
I am concerned that Kristian is falling so quickly. I hope he doesn't break her heart. And I hope Malissa gets punched by another girl.

Lots of yelling-note from Luke- Christina has her one on one date. And she says "thanks for picking me last." And Melissa cries because she wants a one on one date. And there are some catty chicks here. Mandy likes dudes.
When he picks her up, he is excited. Apparently she has this aura about her that is "so sexy, and her body is banging." and she "has butterflies." This is the differnece between men and women. They are getting in a plane, and cuddling and cute.
(flash to the girls at the house) Kristian is falling in love, and the old lady is irritated.
(back to the date)- in Vegas, they roll up on Planet Hollywood. She tells him a cheating story about her ex. Always a good idea for a first date. Just lay all your insecurites on the table.
(house) Lauren is a Christina hater. Bonnie the tattoo girl is funny, and calls her the smelly kid in school that nobody wants to sit next to.
(date) in the suite -on the first date- and make out central!! well- just pecks. then time to jet set. He says that tired bullshit about whether they can "connect on a deeper level." What he means is- she doesn't make his soldier stand at attention. Those little pecks were lame.

Team Annahas a letter from the Bach-grab swim suits. People are FREAKED. This will be interesting. Also- Melissa is crying again. I am over the crying. Apparently- they are gonna "party, and have some drinks." That is his way of making them comfortable in swim suits. Calorie laden beverages. And Melissa cries again. Ok- is it necessary for the camera to do the up down with the camera? Luke jumps in with his shirt off. You know what would be better on this show? What would send a better message? If these women didn't hate themselves so damn much. So many are not happy with who they are, and I am having a hard time wondering why they would let Fox exploit them.
(back at the house) Mandy and Kristian leave notes.
(date)He starts playing with Lauren, and girls are getting jealous. I think Luke is wearing a Tiffany bracelet. He pulls aside the first date crier/puker for the first one on one of the date. She rambles inchorently about why she is on the show. And they end with a little peck, and she says its perfect. Lauren explains her agression. She says that basically she is the female version of him. And then he gives her the bedroom eyes and then they MAKE OUT. Arianne, the old cabaret dancer is uber jealous. Lauren basically says she could give a shit about the girls and their feelings. She has a one track mind.

Crap- I forgot to keep tabs of how many cried!!! I think three so far. So- we are on par for 6, including elimination.

Now the final mixer- Seriously, where do these girls find all these cute dresses? I can't find those over a size 6 (which I haven't been since 6th grade). Bonnie talks about how she is mushy and he shouldn't be afraid of the tattoos. And... Kristian is going into crazytown. She calls him the perfect man. HEY- HOLD YOUR CARDS!!! PLAY MYSTERIOUS!! DON'T BE PSYCHO. And... he plays the friendship card. Oh Lordie--- Heather pulls out the girls(her breasts) to make up for puking on the boat. AND kiss. WHOA! Lauren wants "to share really bad," and gossip. Here is the dirt:Arayan doesn't want kids (and is old). Vanessa is 32, and Lauren talks like she is 67. And Lauren is a catty bitch. Never the way to go. FYI- guys hate that catty girl shit. They don't get it- they aren't wired that way. I hope Melissa goes home- I might have to stop watching.

Oh yeah- Emme hosts this show. Mandy is in. Anna is in. We didn't really see much of them... Amanda- I don't even remember her in this episode. Malissa is a bitch- and is in. Christina is in. SHe looks at him like he's naked. Bonnie- der. Melissa cries again. Heather gets her ring. Lauren does too, so he can keep getting the dirt. Vanessa doesn't trust her. Danielle- don't remember her. Oh yeah, Tali looks like a dude. 2 rings left.... Melissa. ugh. She wears the worst dresses. And... drama drama... then he picks Kristian. The old lady is out, the red headed lawyer is out and some other chick. And she cries. Lawyer- misty eyed... and tears. Old lady.... she isn't that big, fyi. and... she cries... guess what!!?? that's 6. I am the winner. :)


August 1, 2009

A little experiment...

So, after seeing numerous lame cat videos (yes, I watch cat videos) on youtube that had over 17,000 hits... I decided I could do the same thing. With the power of social media- I want to get this thing to 18,500 by Monday at Noon (AZ time). Think I can do it?

If you like it, blog it- tweet it- facebook it- myspace it- whatever. :) Let's get there!!

July 31, 2009

Knew It- More to Love? More like More to Lie About

So- in case you didn't know, sometimes people on reality television shows embellish the truth in order to create a more interesting character. I know, I should have warned you to sit down. Well- apparently the slimy bachelor from More to Love (click here for my recap) is one of these people. I received an email from an equally addicted to reality tv co-worker this morning with evidence that the Big Bachelor used to be...wait for it..... a hunky high school football player. His ex-girlfriend (btw- fox should have given her $ early) told PopSugar that he was a stud, and released pictures of a time where he was supposedly "chubby." I will pause while you watch the link....

What a lying sleazeball, right!? No wonder he is perfectly comfortable flirting two girls at once, and making out with one while the other watched. It was probably a common occurrence every Friday night of 1998. I knew there was something fishy about that guy, because anyone who has really had their heart broken because of their weight/insecurities would be a little more sensitive of other's feelings.

Obviously he was just your classic high school football hero, and after he busted his knee freshman year of college, he lost his scholarship and joined a fraternity. From there, the booze pounds packed on. He probably couldn't keep his grades up, and landed a nice job at Hollywood Video. He stumbled upon an add on MySpace for a new realty show with some fatties, and he was like "this is IT!" Here is what I think his plan is.... get on this show... prove what a stud he is... pick some girl (only to break her heart) and then get some additional reality show about wanting to change his life, and be a healthier him. The new show chronicles his weight loss plan, etc. Because, I don't know if you have seen this, the Biggest Loser biggest successes are usually people that were former athletes. They have the drive/focus/experience but needed to get their asses back into the swing of things.

But now that everyone knows he wasn't really a chubster as he claims he was.... this is gonna get interesting. Will America forgive him for lying? The answer if, yes of course. Americans are stupid. I just hope Fox didn't spend too much money photoshopping him heavy in those HS pictures that they will no longer be able to use on the show.

And yes, I will of course keep watching the show. Puh-lease.

July 28, 2009

More to Love- My Next Application for TWOP

SO- since I am not always the most regular blogger, and I know you miss me, I thought I would try to blog about a tv show again, and bring some of my loyal readers back. This time, a suggestion from a co-worker really hit the spot. More to Love, aka The Bachelor for the Big Boned. Crying crazy girls? Always good tv, no mater what size. So- here goes.

I just barely caught the beginning. I was TRYING again to keep reading this book I am trying to finish, and fell asleep AGAIN. That is a blog for another day. More to Love starts like the basic Bachelor show, meeting the Bachelor who pretends to be more modest than he is. And he tries to say he "just needs love." I believe him as much as I believed Andrew Firestone.

We obviously need a host, and the guy from the Bach isn't allowed. So, we get Emme- wasn't she on a reality show? I swear she was. Or maybe on at MTV special. Years of reality television has really done a number on my memory. Anyhow, she is a well known plus size model, and I bet her and the ANTM cycle 10 winner were the major runners fore the gig. Liv Tyler's sister is too edgy for this.

No type? All women are beautiful. Same shit the bachelor says. So, here comes the first limo... Gooo! Boobs. Melissa with the double E's. Christina starts the whining. Heather is crying in the first 5 seconds. She is gonna be fun. Cute dress. Punk rock princess Bonnie, who wants to bake a pie and be a wife. Amanda Awkward- never had a boyf. Michelle the California girl. a crier too. Shit, 8 minutes in, and half have cried. She talks about enjoying life. But she cries. I am confused.

SUPER Quick commercial- next limo. Pale girl Anna who is intensely tall. And he TOTALLY scans her ass. And I like her the best' as she quotes Pat Benetar "love is a battlefield." Natasha is a rocket scientist, and a big dork. she looks way older than 25. Lauren is officially schoolgirl creeper. She bear hugs him. Teal is a good color for her. vaness is a major flirter and a little creepy. Wait--- did i miss a girl? with a beehive and fishnets? Melissa- Not a cute dress. Danielle- never had a second date. Mandy,teaches him to salsa dance in her 15 seconds. Hmmm. She also looks older than 25. Tally is from NY, but born and raised in Israel. And a 12 tear old comes in... what's her name? Kristian... I swear she didn't say it. She' s a teacher. Sweet. Another slutty hugger. with heels and hair 6'2, I like it. Arianne... she is being honest with her age. Sandy- a "farm girl." Sure, I believe that. This is a big limo..... Shari is a yo-yo er. AND THE HIGH VOICED MAGALI. I am going to hit her. Natalia likes to cook, and he says he likes "anything thick and juicy." Perv. Another crier.

20 women. Go back and count and make sure I didn't miss any. I will wait.... So, he starts a speech about how everyone here has been hurt by someone, etc. Because apparently that is exclusive to heavy people. And everyone gets a diamond ring, as his promise that he will like them for who they are. What a novel concept. If they take the ring, they have to promise to do the same. "Somebody that's gonna look inside you," yes, she just said that. Way to start it off with something serious... don't we usually work UP to the ring?

He is 26, and gives the standard "it's so humbling to be around all these wonderful women." He is now talking to the 12 year old. He is such a player-player. She is head over heels. AND here is a girl who quit her job to be on reality tv. Good for her. I hope she gets voted off. Idiot. And, every girl in the mansion is totally "his type." Wait- I thought he didn't have one. And let's pause for a moment. That concept has never made any sense to me. I have had a type since kindergarten, when I fell in love with George Michael (this is when he was dating women, and cmon, I was 5). I have a thing for dark haired light eyed guys. Always have I don't see a problem with it. But, people like to pretend like they can't be pinned down, or put into a box, so let's let them keep thinking that.

Do we really need to keep asking what the favorite food products are? And here comes the girl fights and interruptions. He is snuggling with two girls on the couch (told you he was a player) and a few other girls shoot daggers. And we again talk about meat. Gross. WHOA! First kiss goes to Anna. ANOTHER MEAT JOKE. Look, I like meat on a stick as much as the next... anddddd the drunk girl. The "farm raised" one. This next chick has never been on a date, and she said she only thinks people ask her ask a joke. Like in Never Been Kissed- remember when they egged her? SAD. She is still high pitched and annoying. ugh. Maybe THAT''s why guys don't like you.

AND crazy bitch jumps in the pool. The one that is always the best friend to the guys. Holy crap- this guy sounds EXACTLY like Judge Reinhold. Haha. Bonnie is an asshole. I like her. She called this girl ridiculous- and said she looked like an otter. :)

Same problem as always... so many girls, so little time. Oh, and the rocket scientist that thinks she is in danger because she is too smart. Yeah, probably. This IS a reality show. And then girls are sitting around and talking about how awesome he is... and how much in love they are. Because they have known this guy for 25 minutes. Yup, it's real. When the Bach asks Melissa a question, I am a little creeped out.. he is a PERV. And he asks for a kiss. This guy is kinda slimy. Let me tell you, he pulls ALL kind of tail, big and small; I am SURE of it. I learned from the teaching of my roommate's brother. He was in a frat, and told his little bro- "dude- it's a numbers game. girls like confidence. just keep asking, and enough will say yes to keep you busy." It works. That said little bro, prolly a good four inches shorter, and 7 years older than me had me all up in a tizzy 5 years ago. I think this guy learned that same lesson.

Sad- everyone has to give their rings back... he will only give rings to girls that make it through. I am still really uncomfortable with this idea... rings signify way too much.

Elimination time... he feels honored, blah blah standard shit. The future Mrs. Connelly could be in thsi room. Yup. Love in reality tv always works. First girl- Anna the first kissing skeeze/gigantor tall girl. Melissa A.- the second loose lip girl. Surprise. Magali- meh. Heather- the cutest dress I think. Mandy- and some girls shoot daggers, for a reason I don't know. Amanda- okay. Vanessa- the red head. Has Bonnie done her hair three differnt ways? Tali? the NYer. Lauren- .... Bonnie- Thanks goodness, I thought she was gonna kill someone. Christina-she seems nice. Dani- looks like jumping in the pool worked out. If allt hese girls do is cry, I am not gonna be able to do this. Arian? cougar. kristian, the 12 year old. How are these rings all fitting perfectly? And Emme comes out for the "only one ring." She is nearly worthless thus far. You can FEEEEEEL the desperation in this room. Mel B. One of the biggest criers, and the ugliest dress.

Now it's time for the awkward goodbyes. Fake "wish you the bests," and "great to meet yous." And he calls them al sweetie. Why is it so bright outside? Wasn't it night time? These exit interviews are depressing. Surprise, the rocket scientist is gone. And they don't even give her an exit interview.

And now he ends with the standard "humbling, etc." It may actually be the exact quote from earlier.

Clips from the future... this looks like it's gonna be good. Drama, prom, throwing flowers, make outs... yes. I am there.

July 27, 2009

I Used to LIKE The Dentist

Dear Dental Hygienist,

We have know each other for over 12 years now, and although we only see each other every 6 months, I feel like we have a good realtionship. You tell me stories about your kids (that you mention less now that they are older) and I pretend like you care when you ask how work is. You have seen me grow through High School and College, and now as a young professional. It is now then, that I ask you to stop nagging me about flossing like I am 6, and to stop punishing me by attacking my gums to teach me a lesson.

My family has all used your services. I have stuck up for you when they called you the Nazi, and they switched to another hygienist in the office. I figured they just didn't brush as often as I did, and I (especially the last few years) have had wonderful check ups. 27 years without a cavity should say something (knock, knock). But now that it is two hours after my appointment, and I am still tender- I felt I should let you know a few things.

One- People like you make it tough for people to come back to the dentist regularly. There are many people that go YEARS between check ups. I have never missed an appointment, and I felt guilty when one time I went 8 months between cleanings. I brush twice every day, and I wear my bite guard to prevent the grinding. Even with this track record you condescendingly berate me for my not so stellar flossing. Guess what!? Those last few times when you said I had been doing a really great job flossing.... I had been- FOR A WEEK BEFORE SO YOU DIDN'T NAG ME! Apparently one really good week makes up for 5 months without it. :) This time, I got busy and forgot, and honestly didn't expect that that much "calcification" had built up. But you sure showed me- by digging your scraper into every area of my gums. I can only imagine what it would be like if I had waited two years... I probably would have had to be placed under anesthesia! So- maybe lighten up a little on the scrapping.

Next- You have a super high tech system that tells you every tooth's history, can't it also tell you that I despise cherry polish? I believe I have said something at least 4 times. I swear that last time you made a note. But today, instead of minty freshness, I got that lame cherry bubble gum. I am an adult. Seriously.

Also- When you floss for me to finish out the torture session, it isn't a race. You don't need to jam the floss in... Have you thought that the harsh way you S&M my teeth with the floss might be part of the reason that I I don't like to do it myself?

Finally- When the dentist comes in to do his final overview, you don't need to rat me out to him about the flossing, I get it. Next time, why don't you just floss me and say "just WAIT till the dentist hears about THIS." That's pretty much what it feels like.

I will see you again in 6 months. Please be sure that you have paid attention to my suggestions. If not, next time I am switching ladies too.