This is IT-Make No Mistake Where You Are..the Waiting is OVER! (Idol Recap)

In case you were wondering, I LOVE Kenny Loggins(hence the title). I thought I would be more excited about this night... but I am slightly lackadaisical. I also have a headache- but that makes no difference to you all. I need to get my head in the game.

So-opening montage.... made it look like there was actually a competition last night. For anyone who actually watched it, that is not the case. Joely Fisher is in the audience- and Janice Dickinson. It is the "hottest ticket in town," Ryan says.

100 million votes came in. Really? Do they round up? Is it really 98,567,008 and they bump up? How does that work?

In the judges intro- Ryan cues a video for each of them, making it seem sweet, when all they do is point out their faults. Love it. Randy looks like an idiot... AND THEN THE MOST AMAZING MONTAGE of "for me." Because, in case you didn't know, there are 25 words in his vocabulary, including : yo, dawg, pitchy, you know, didn't feel it, not your thing. Hahaha. Kara's montage includes "honey/sweetie." Which can be SO condescending. Or maybe I am just sensitive. ;) What are they gonna do for Paula? Haha. All the big words she could mutter out. It' great being sober, isn't it Paula? Simon- instead of highlighting that he is the only one worth a damn- they go the way of listing all the times he couldn't hear/didn't get it.

So, the finalists come out in white. And Kris's mik is messed up. AND Adam's.... WHO IS RUNNING THIS SHOW?!?!?!? I love it when they go to their hometowns and rally. In Arkansas, they interview a 4 year old. What does she matter, she can't even dial. In San Diego, last season's tattoo lady is reporting live. She is from San Diego, and mentions how she couldn't bring home the trophy, so Adam better do San Diego proud.

Haha... the best time of this finale... previews of the upcoming tour.. "SO What" with the full 13- I can't believe Pink let them dork up her song like this. Have some standards, seriously. There is some dude up there I totally forgot about. That Puerto Rican guy. Scott is doing an amazing job with the choreography(seriously-I am pleasantly surprised). Hopefully he will be an inspiration to Stevie Wonder, who will get up from behind the piano. Wow. I totally forgot about all these ass clowns. And when you see them all together, it is so obvious that Adam stands out as awesome. I didn't even see Kris...

David Cook, last year's winner is here performing. I was wondering when we where bringing him on. I forgot that there was this two hour bullshit of performances from him, and the lame mixes for the tour and apparently some Surprise Guest performance we won't believe. You should have heard the local fox idiots trying to guess who it would be on last night's show. I swear, I feel dumber watching the Phoenix news. NBC is my morning watching, because Scott and Tram really ARE the perfect morning blend. But as far as the rest of these ass clowns- idiots. Anyone who moves here from a REAL big city can't believe it. It's embarrassing, really. David Cook was sensitive tonight. I don't know that I remember that from him. He looks like a waiter. Did his brother die or something? Sad- I think so. The proceeds of the sale of this song on ITunes are going to some cancer research. That is what I am talking about for Idol Gives Back. God for them.

So now the lame portion where the ass clowns from auditions get one more minute of fame. This is the garbage that is so fake during the audition process. How many of these people realize how bad they are, and how many are total fakers with an itch to get on tv. I feel kinda bad for those that don't know how bad they are. They stand up there totally dejected as even Paula laughs at them. You would think I would be all over that shit. But not when the people aren't in on the joke. The obvious winner for spazziest male is that dude in the metallic shirt that made the top 30 with his dorkiness. He comes up to accept the award. And says some garbage about not being prepared, and just before I was going to bitch about the Idol producers needing to have more control He throws off the jacket and gets his performance on. See- this guy knows exactly what he is doing- trying to start a comedy career. More power to him.

Duet- Something about rain with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifa. Lil Rounds looks great with hair extensions. She actually looks her age. Not like a 35 year old housewife. Queen Latifah's outfit is no bueno. It is kinda like that Jessica Simpson problem, where the outfit makes her look 30 pounds heavier. I bet the people from Jenny Craig are PISSED. Women across the country are pushing away their pre-packaged lasagna casseroles and digging out the ice cream.

So Anoop and that blonde short haired girl start to butcher "I'm Yours." They were probably nervous, becomes then Jason Mraz enters. Harmonies are weird. And that blonde girl sounds like she is starring in "I'm Yours-In the Butt." Seriously- heavy breathing moaning. Terrible. And the full idol cast joins in for the chorus. Can I tell you- If I were a celebrity, I would not be able to attend this night, because I would make faces and laugh at people.

And now a Kris Allen video montage-We remember that Simon told him from the beginning that he needs to grow a pair and stopped being so modest. AND they totally show his beauty queen surprise face that was so beautiful a few episodes ago. His wife is goober. He is now singing with Keith Urban. This is a cute little song about kissing a girl. Perfect for Kris because it is so sweet and unassuming. What the hell is Keith Urban wearing. I think somebody switched his shirt with some 3rd grader's backstage.

Weren't they going to have a green finale or something? Because that is a crazy light display. Hmmmm.

So now the girls are doing "Glamorous." A song from Fergie- two years ago. Their outfits are stupid, and Megan sounds like shit. Oh- because Fergie is here. Looking like a dominatrix. Why is she booked? She doesn't have a new album, does she? Because she isn't singing from it. OH. Here come the Black Eyed Peas. THAT'S RIGHT. They have a new album. Yeah, let's have Fergie stick to back up. I actually really like this song- Boom Boom Boom. This reminds me of those single days that I would spend at "Whiskey River," drinking 25 cent Jack Daniels from 7-9, and then drunkenly dancing to this stuff until at least midnight. It was like a weekend in the middle of the week. And I would make it into work the next morning, ready to rock at 6:30 am. Those were the days. Now I am all coupled up- and way to old.

Next winner for the golden idols. fucking Bikini Girl. I hated her so much. This girl- Alexis who flipped up Simon when he told her she couldn't sing. She was weird. And then there are these people that suck so bad- and don't know it- and are supported by family. And the lame Bikini Girl comes in.... Duh. And she kisses Ryan on the lips and he says the best thing ever..."I was gonna ask you what's new- but I think I know." Because she totally got new boobs. Now she is singing again. Go to the strip club, that is where you belong. Hahah... and now Kara comes in and proves to her that she can sing.... I don't know that bikini girl knew about it... and that is awesome. Because she just looks like an idiot up there next to Kara. And tries to sing over her... Kara is a goober for sure, but she is comfortable enough in her talent and femininity that she doesn't have to prove how great she is by bouncing about in a bikini doing scales. and KARA OPENS UP HER DRESS AT THE END REVEALING A BIKINI UNDERNEATH. That is awesome. Apparently a bet went down, so now Ryan Simon has to pay out to some charity. Wonderful television right there.

Allison and Cyndi Lauper- Rad. I would pay to see this. Allison is so talented. Can't wait for her album. Megan the spac needs to take some cues from Cyndi Lauper- A unique voice that isn't annoying and lame. I am amazed that Allison is totally unfazed by the fact that she is doing a duet with Cyndi Lauper. I would SHIT my pants. I am always amazed at how she carries herself at 17. In stage, at least. Because otherwise she has no personality. I think Cyndi actually came to more than one rehearsal for this. Because they sound amazing together. Awesome. Period. That right there was better than all of last night's show.

Okay- Kris Allen's parents. She is in an evening gown. His dad totally looks like a politician. I think he should run for office in Arkansas. He would totally win. Oh- now we realize that Adam is actually here. Parents are proud.

Ugh- Danny Gokey gets to perform... AND HE DOES LIONEL RICHIE. When I heard this the first time, I thought it was perfect. Slow and jazzy, and lame and the type of song an ass clown would sing, thinking it was about love. Hello, Lionel Richie- Does he have a new album? WTF is he doing here. Where is Nicole? This is so 90's, and LAME and
Caribbean." And it fits exactly what I mentioned above. This is really a perfect pairing of cheese. Gokey would have been a hit in 94. I can't wait to see the "where is he now" episode in a few years, where he has packed on the LBs, singing in casinos and bearded. HAHA Ruben Studdard is here. What a fail of an Idol he was. That whole season was a cluster fuck. Kinda like "Nightmare on Elm Street 2." That was a waste of brain power.

In case you were wondering- I will not be blogging about SO YOU Think You Can Dance. For a few reasons- mary murphy screaming and two nights of blogging. So- It will prolly be bachelorette. It works better in my schedule, and let's be serious. I don't get paid for this, so I gotta make it work.

And now the video montage of Adam. I don't really remember him in the auditions. And he has gotten microdermabrasion, so that is good. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HE IS WEARING A JACKET WITH BARBED WIRE WINGS. I know that I know this song, but I can't place it. Something about Beth, and how he can't make it because him and the boys will be playing all night. And Adam sings it kinda dirty, like- all those who aren't sure- I am talking about playing with the dudes in a sexual manner. And then KISS. So, Adam is the most normal looking person on stage right now. Holy shit, this is amazing. I want to rock and roll all night and party every day in detroit rock city. Well- I think we know who is the real rock star of these two finalists. Let's not even pretend anymore.

It's 8:23, and we haven't had the Ryan "right after this..." yet. Thank you to whomever decided to actually put content in a episode for once.

So- Carlos Santana is up. Apparently he has a two year gig at Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Hm. I love his guitar skills- we will just have to see what the show would consist of. Because if it was two hours of him playing guitar- Her is my money. But if it is two hours of him playing guitar while lame Vegas performers sing- no bueno. So- Matt came in and did the vocals for black magic woman. And now Smooth- One of my least favorite songs ever. Adam- the puerto rican guy- Kris- and the Gokester Sing. Adam's ass looks fat in those pants. Then this weird full cast sing a long in the round. HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Scott got a little to close to the stage for my liking. And Megan is next to him, so I don't trust that he is safe. She might use her witch power to push him off, hands free.

The last Ford Video. Weird. And now- a big surprise for Adam and Kris with David Cook- keys to a new fusion hybrid. And Adam laughs. Great.

Steve Martin- Megan Joy and David Sarver. Would you ever imagine that in your wildest dreams? I am chatting online with the boyf, and he says "steve martin is playing a fucking banjo."The creative director for this show needs a raise. Did they all just come up with the craziest ideas, and then say- we can do it- we are American Idol- we can do whatever we want- we are Ameri-fucking Idol. This is a cute little bluegrass number- Sarver is a little out of place- but who else would agree to sing with Megan? The vampire and the witch. Perfection. Steve Martin is asked who he thinks will win- "I know it is a long shot, but I hope it's me." Rad.

Lame group sing with A Rod Stewart song. All the dudes. If you want my body..... I can let you know that there is really only one dude up there that I would halfway consider in a sexual fashion. And he is married, so- no luck. And here is Rod Stewart. In a plaid jacket. He sounds like SHIT. So, at what point does an artist need to realize that the lyrics he is singing no longer are relevant. Rod Stewart is far passed school age. Maggie should meet him in the nursing home. Let's be real. OMG - Bo Bice, singing along. I couldn't have written this episode if I tried. Bravo, Idol. Why does Rod Stewart get a full 3 minutes with no Idol back up? Who wrote HIS contract?

Now the Golden Idol for best female. Simon is amazing. Three losers, and then Tatiana. Then ut job with a voice. Is she on prescription pain meds? Wow- my headache was gone. And out comes Tatiana as the winner. And then lame interlude where Ryan pretends like she can't come on stage, because they are running out of time. She of course, comes up anyway. If we really didn't need her on stage- we would cut her mik. Next.

Now an Adam and Kris duet.... Queen. We are the Champions. I was waiting for Adam to do Queen. And tha stage is opening, and there is Queen, minus the obvious Freddie Mercury (this is for my homies). I really like the idea of "WE" are the champions, since everyone is a winner. False. There is only one winner. And this is my least favorite Queen song. Top faves are tied with Somebody to Love and Fat Bottomed Girls (because it is my anthem). But- great performance.

Alright- 9 pm... let's get judges final words... Simon says- warm and fuzzies, and is very Paulaesque- and it is weird. All right- the adjudicator comes out with the envelope. Telescope has certified the result. New record with ALMOST 100million votes. Thanks for the real number.

.......... Kris Allen won. An Ryan Seacrest looks shocked. Probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. Well- we were "ready" for a black president, but not a gay Idol. Hm. I love that Kris Allen fully says - Adam deserves this. And now they have a lame trophy. He is totally dumbfounded. I don't want to take anything away from Kris. Talented guy for sure. But as far as ready to be mass produced- Adam. Period. And I can't believe that the crazy dialing was done for Kris based purely on talent. And that saddens me. I know that some people got tired of Adam being so showy and perfect. They were over it. Well Bible Belt- you got us back for the Democrat takeover. (hate mail can be sent to- kissmyass@gmail.com)

Let's Dance- The Last Dance (Idol Recap)

So, I am late again. Work. It is crazy.

So- I stopped by Qdoba and picked up a burrito bowl and some queso- because I deserve it. I like Chipotle's food better, but this was on the way home, and had Queso. Which I need. I am an emotional eater. I got the chips with it, which I didn't need- but didn't have time to argue, and I am glad I did. CP and Molly- great lime flavor. Almost too good to dip.

So, across the country tonight, family and friends are gathering around televisions glued to the Idol finale. It is amazing when you find out who secretly LOVES the show. I found out today a guy that I work with on some of my programs is addicted. And this I.T. chick I know from Edward Jones. American Idol crosses barriers. Including one barrier- the gay/straight. I would not be surprised if across the country there are "We're Here, We're Queer, We're Idols!" parties were being held. Which would be amazing. AND there have got to be some "Real American Values" parties being held as well... whatever that means. I hope that I am able to have a talk with my kids in 20 years, and have them say to me "why were people so weird about all that gay/straight stuff?" You know, kinda like I asked my dad about the "black/white thing" after he told me about the race riots in Chicago when he was in High School. We shall see.... okay- down from the soap box- back to the show.

I walk in with ten minutes already passed. Here we go-

Adam-

It obviously was not this dramatic an entrance before... he first did this when he was still a little "rough." Before he removed some piercings and such. He looks tanner... in a good way. rocking the trench and the fingerless gloves... Good choice, because it showcases his vocal range and sensitive side (ha ha kris). Randy gives it an A+. Kara loves the choice- blah blah- artistry. What. Anthony Hopkins is there? Paula has a great green on... but she is too tan. too many words.... Simon says it was a little over theatrical and very Phantom. And Randy makes an excellent point, and says it is very Twilight. This now sparks an Edward vs. "whatever the hell the other dudes name is" debate across the country. Here is a hint ladies- they are both FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

Kris Allen video- crap, I guess that means I missed an Adam home video. You know, where his dad says- "I wish my son liked sports, but I guess this is ok." OMG- Kris doing "Ain't No Sunshine." Love it. This is when he started to be a favorite for me. Not only because it is an amazing song, but because few can sing it and hit the right pain. He nails it, and jazzed it up a little but not in a Dorky Gokey way. There is this end I don't really remember.... Kris's wife looks like she is going to prom. Ha. Randy needs a better fitting jacket. And the Lakers suck. Kara is really starting to get kinda Paulaish- and rambles about feelings, and blah blah. Paula talks about spirit and artistry. Simon- thanks for bringing the competition idea back- Simon says he deserves to be here, after maybe doubting it last week. Kris is looking very confident... Round one winner prediction- Kris.

And I just saw the first "american values" nod... camera in to some chick that is IN Kris's family area that is holding a baby Not his wife. Maybe his sister. We don't care about his wife and her title (she never really got recognized after Simon pretty much said "hide her") but NOW that it saves America from gay takeover, let's put it in.

Songs by Simon Fuller is the next category. Not Cowell- the other one.

Adam- Change is Gonna Come- Nice message of hope. :) He's got the gray suit that everyone loved. This songs is going to make the gay fan base rally the dialing fingers. I LOVE IT. How does he hit these notes? Crap. He does this little "squat like i gotta pee" move that is not so cute... but there is a nice strong ending. You can tel he was thinking about something different behind those vocals. Simon Fuller is a genius. Still like Cowell better. So- Is Kris gonna come out and sing "God Bless America?" Because that would be an excellent rebuttal. I am getting tired of recapping Kara. Paula says it was the best she has heard him sing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, as she helicopters over her head. Simon Cowell says he is back in the game- as if this won't flip flop all night.

KATIE HOLMES AND SURI!

Kris- "What's Going On" I think some people might remember the Cyndi Lauper version, but the Marvin Gaye's is better. And Kris is adding his sweet little Jason Mraz kick to it. It is a song about understanding, and not hate and war and violence... interesting. Why do I read so much into song lyrics? And the Idol produces KNOW they are feeeeeeeeding into the battle- as they should. Randy likes it but says it wasn't big enough. Kara-blah blah hand pointing. Simon says is was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. Hahaha. Too laid back for a night like this. Kris is denied mic time. But gives us his winning smile. Thank you Ryan for pointing out the obvious symbolism. Already there, buddy. And Simon says that %1000 Adam won that round. Yes., there should be three zeros.

So now we have the "both sing the same song" song. ADDED bonus- we have a judge songwriter. Kara, in case you were wondering. She helps with some of Kelly Clarkson's stuff. This song always sucks. Adam is like "bring it the eff on. I will go higher and deeper- blah blah dreams." Randy blah blah sing the phonebook- but he hated it. Kara drops names, and is moved and proud. And he makes some lame comment about the song being beautiful. Paula can't find words. Surprise. Cowell- Hahaha. He makes a joke on the mountains and hurricanes in the song. :) He calls him original, etc. He believes that they have found a worldwide star in Adam.

Ryan calls him a class act when he says that he was excited about the challenge to sing something different- you know, instead of pulling a Gokey and saying it wasn't his thing. I am so glad that tool is gone. I wouldn't have had the energy to blog about his ridiculousness tonight.

OMG! I totally forgot that GLEE is TONIGHT! My day just got better. How do I forget that, you ask? I am a busy girl.

Kris's turn at the lame song. It sounds awful, and kinda flat. He gets an A for effort in the middle. Ugh, this song sucks. Adam makes it not seem SO awful, so by default, I give him the win on this one. Even his family isn't impressed. Kara doesn't want him to be judged on that song... vote on the season. HAHAH. Right, that is what Americans are know for, remembering the full measure of some one's worth, not just the sound bite they heard on Extra last night. So- the judges pretty much say "it's been cool knowing you dude." Man- I wish he would have put up more of a fight at the end. I feel deflated...

This is kinda the feeling after Justin and Kelly's finale. She rocked it, and he showed up and didn't mess up horribly. She had been the favorite all along, and he squeezed by with his winning smile. They all knew it was just a final step in the process, and it didn't mean anything, really.

Tomorrow= two hours, and schedule your dvr, cuz they'll go long, Ryan says. Shouldn't they be looking at their script tonight and finding a place to cut a few minutes? I am sure we can remove a few "coming up, right after the break" bits. Gimmie the script- I'll take care of it.

I love these montages, where we are reminded of all those hot messes that graced the stage. We've really come a long way, baby.