May 6, 2009

Let's just throw a bunch of random performances together and call it a show (idol vote off recap)

After some good Mexican food, on Seis de Mayo, and some Lie to Me, it is time for the Idol vote off night.

These recaps are amazing... so dramatic and cheesy. They even catch the boyf's attention... until he realizes it.. and then says " I can't watch this fucking shit." haha. We are now sitting on the couch with our laptops (brought mine because I am not compatible with his Mac) while I watch Idol, and he listens to real music on the super rad high tech headphones I got him for Christmas.

I wonder what it is gonna be like when they have a "green finale." How can they produce a show without the streaming lights and the the music, etc...?

Ooooh Daughtry tonight. And Paula Abdul will perform.... I hope it is "Opposites Attract." M.C. Scat Kat is rad.

Cheesy ford-commercial... these are a perfect example of how American Idol ruins rock and roll. And now.. Slash joins the kids for "School's Out." Another classic on the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. Hahaha. Adam just sway-swaggered on stage. And those pants make his hips look wide. There is a weird brother/sister vibe with Danny and Allison- except that Danny thinks she is hot. It creeps me out. I am so sick of these cheeeeeesy graphics on the screens. There is no need for fake flames, and geometric shapes.

Slash has some super secret album that unites him with some amazing vocal talent... that he can't release to us yet. Lame. I hate it when people try to create interest by saying " I can't tell you." I usually say... "whatever, then don't." It is my coy way of pretending I don't care- and then damage their ego, and then they tell me anyway and I win. :)

So I was really frickin excited for Glee... until I find out that I will be cock teased with an episode, and then nothing for three months. I don't do well with that.

Let's ask everyone how they feel about the Wednesday night elimination. Basically so that it can be used against them when they are in the bottom. I love that Adam says he loved his song.. and he loved his outfit.. giggle. Danny tried to remove the foot from his mouth, and said when he watched the tape, he realized he was awful. And then he pretends to make fun of himself, and I just want to punch him. I won't even type it. Then Allison tells everyone that Simon was asking for it last night. And then drop the "JC" bomb and gets muted... hm.

Paula... is using the "phelanger/reverb thing" (edit: flanger) tonight. Thanks boyf. She isn't even lipsynching right (edit: apparently boyf thinks he needs to be credited for this). If she just wanted to put on a bunch of sequins and dance with some gay dudes, she could have just invited Clay, Adam and David Archuleta over for a slumber party. HAHAHAHA. Now she is dancing/crawling through Disneyland fake fire n(sheets in Pirates), and jumped from an elevated platform, a la Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (yes- that is the link to the DTV Dance off). Gentlemen- she is just here for the music- not their advances. Hahaha.

Wow. It is amazing to see Paula clean. Good for her. Are they gonna talk about it?! Are you going to really do an interview Ryan, and go all Frost/Nixon on her? Nope.

How did I miss that No Doubt was performing? Wanna know something about Gwen Stefani? Her vocals suck live. I have heard it from numerous people. And here is the proof. Why the middle school flashback? Are they back togehter? Hey, if she isn't hanging out with Gavin Rossdale does that mean there is an opening? Gwen spazzes out onstage- getting the boyf's attention as he asks "is she on meth?" She then "pretends to be punk." It is such a put on. My how the mighty have fallen. Make it end. "want to know what is amazing? Mic Jagger is like, 90 years old and he can run across the stage just like her, and sound amazing..... I wish Simon would critique this. "- this right here is an example of why I love my boyf. Apparently they are doing a tour to get inspiration for a new album. Lame. Why is that dude wearing striped pants and a tutu? Stop trying so hard. You can't tell me that is really YOU.

This background music makes me mental. Interesting... the contestants are hanging out backstage... We get to see the last few years of "semi-finals home visits." Whatever happened to Bo Bice? Is he living in a double wide with four kids yet? There are some people on there I don't recognize. The finalists will be announced in random order, like they always are. But they want to make it clear now, so that people stop blogging about their methods.

Dim the lights- Allison- her hair looks dumb. Danny- sucks. Adam- Does not look good in HD. I remember this every time I watch it on a fancy tv. Kris- or LL Cool Kris, because the ladies are loving him. Who is safe... bump bump... bump bump.... bump bump.... bump bump... Kris. And he does the Miss America hands over mouth shocked face. Honestly the best thing I have seen on this show in weeks. His wife is going ape shit (apes don't have tails- monkeys do- learned that today) even though they haven't put "Kris's wife" in the lower third of her screen since week 2.

These Nikon commercials where Ashton Kutcher pretends like he is a single ladies man make me nuts. I know that he and Demi are private people, but I really think they make a nice couple, and I don't think he should feign singledom.

The contestants are backstage, so that we can do a Chris Daughty re-cap. Please try to tell me he hasn't changed. So- when I see the video of him and Katherine McPhee where he gets sent homeit kills me. If looks could kill- McPhee'd be lying on the floor. Heart, that is a real rock band. Chris talks about wanting to be in a band, and not a solo artist, and then they show his first album cover... with him in the forefront and blurry bandmates in the back labeled DAUGHTRY. Yeah, I believe that. What is wrong with his mike (edit: mic, m-i-c, what is wrong with his band member!?!? thanx boyf) It is creepy how perfect his chin beard is. And his eyebrows. Is his sister a waxer? The boyf sees it and says "I am going to grow a chin strap." Veto. Good thing I know he is only kidding. And also- he couldn't grow it if he wanted to. The bass player has a great mohawk. I forgot what those looked like after seeing so many faux hawks on the douches in Scottsdale. Cute Kris presents him with the 5 million copies thing. Is that platinum? Wouldn't that be nice if you explained it to us Ryan? Hosting is more than extending the results beyond any reasonable time frame.

May 21- So You Think You Can Dance- a heavy contender for the next show to blog about. I have been meaning to talk to you about that. It will be discussed. :)

Back to the vote off. Random order brings us..... Adam as safe. Okay. Now I kinda believe it. One of Adam's friends looks reallllly familiar. Kinda like a young Taylor Dayne.(edit- i think she is a former ANTM contestant)

64 million and that ass clown is safe. I am begging you readers of this blog. Tell all your friends to stop the insanity and put their cell phones away. Allison was a creepy kid with big teeth. How is it possible that they found 1:12 seconds of personality. She is crying but will sing. What a trooper. How funny that sh is singing crybaby. This is so re-dick. Because Gokey is an asshole. And I am so far over him. I think that in protest, I will not type his name once next week. I am taking suggestions for what I should call him. And he pretends to look sad. Vom.

Wanna know what is funny? The judges had this "save" that was supposed to prevent things like the Daughtry vote off. BUT THEY HAD TO USE IT OR LOSE IT TWO WEEKS AGO. SO IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE.

Two songs next week- Judges choice, and their pick. I hope that someone picks something terrible for Gokey. How will this work with four judges? Does one judge not pick?

May 5, 2009

That Rock n Roll Music- Any Old Way You Choose It (Idol Recap)

So- tonight is Rock and Roll night and I have been excited for a week. SO- chances are, this will suck because what does American Idol know about Rock and Roll? If you want to argue with me- just think of all the medleys. Nuff said.

In "no shit, Sherlock" news: Paula Abdul was addicted to pain killers. If you didn't know that, I have another shocker for you: Adam Lambert likes dudes. And if you didn't know that... then I have a time share in the Caribbean that I would like to talk to you about.

It has been "an unconventional day" at Idol.. apparently the tower fell. And stopped the run-through. Too bad Lil Rounds isn't around to use that as an excuse.

Added bonus- duets tonight.

What the hell is Kara wearing. This is not a Joan Jett concert. HOLY SHIT. Adam looks HI-larious. I will need to link a photo later.

Slash- I wonder when he stopped counting how many chicks he nailed. Probably not soon after he stopped counting how many packs a day he smoked. Slash will be mentoring from the club- with full band packing the idols. (insert nervous laughter from Allison and Danny).

Adam is first. And singing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." I will rip him if he ruins it. Because it is one of my faves. his hair is re-dick. Not really surprised he chose this. Most of his performances have moaning and latent sexual undertones. Once again, tweens across the country need an explanation for that fuzzy feeling in their bajingos. Okay- I want to punch Kara in the face because I am so over her. Paula looks really nice. Simon-agrees that it is one of the best Rock and Roll songs of all time. Why aren't we together again? I never thought I would hear Zeppelin on Idol- but I am not upset. I would be if Danny sang it.

Allison's transformation into Kelly Clarkson is nearly complete. Cool beans. Stool time with Ryan. Yet another opportunity for Allison to TRY to show us she has a personality. Taking on Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to "bring it." Her voice is awesome. Duh. Randy "kept it real" and told her he "didn't feel it." I should play the "randy cliche drinking game." Kara wished she did "Piece of my Heart." Agreed. Paula is a tool. Simon says she wasn't original enough. So Allison is getting sassy with Simon, and being a 17 year old girl. Showing personality is nice, but people don't always appreciate a sassy asshole. I should know. That is why I do it here, where people can kiss my ass and click somewhere else. ;)

So- here is a duet--- Renegade- Kris and Danny. This song is awesome. I guess Danny's idea of rock is a big chain around his neck. He refuses to wear leather apparently. This kinda sucks. Kris is having tempo problems. And Danny is yelling. Boo. The judges are critiquing this? Kara calls it out as being lame because these guys are so white bread, and not in fear of the long arm of the law. Wait. They PICKED this song?!? Whadda ya know... Danny blames the lack of a full dress rehearsal for the suck. Typical.

Kris is going to do a Beatles number. Can't say that I am surprised. Stool time with Ryan. He had originally picked "Revolution," and it didn't feel right because he is vanilla, and would revolt against nothing. He will do Come Together and play guitar. I actually prefer the Aerosmith version to the Beatles version, personally. I feel like it is a Guitar Hero performance. Why does Idol like to light everything so their hair looks purple? Annoying. It makes me feel like I am losing it. Why does Randy repeat so much? Kara thinks he is trying to hard, like she is with the outfit. Simon says it was like "eating ice for lunch- it leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards. " He is my soul mate. The ladies in the audience are not okay with him. I hope he has security walk him to the car.

Ass clown Gokey will ruin "Dream On." Surprise, he wants to yell at us. And it is inspirational with the "dreaming till your dream come trueeeeeeee." I don't know that I can watch it, and I don't know that I can handle the repercussions of typing my ACTUAL feelings on it.... the boyf's sister apparently thinks I go too far on the Danny bashing. Can't help it... he sucks, and he is playing America like a fiddle. I feel the need to intervene on this domestic terrorist- or I couldn't sleep at night.

Local news will have a story about the blind guy tonight. Remember him?

Gokey performance- too much purple; he is not Prince. He sounds like he got punched in the balls, and the ending screech is like a cat in heat. I swear, America. You dial in for this douche, and I am moving to Canada. I will disown you. Thank you Kara for saying that it was too much. The fist pumping has to stop, Kara. We are holding an intervention. Watch that- you will thank me later. Simon says he sucked but will prolly be safe. I am hoping that is his attempt to make America comfy so that they don't dial for dollars.

Duet- Slowride from Allison and Adam. I cannot hear this song and not think of one of the best movies in the history of the world, Dazed and Confused. I kinda tuned out on the performance, instead choosing to watch Matthew McConaughey in peach pants. I love you tube. The audience loved it... so-duh. Paula calls it a perfect marriage. Adam is like-"shit, I guess that is my only chance at marriage, right Miss California?" ;) I am going to bite my tongue now. Except to say that this isn't a modeling picture, it is a sex-text shot. I should know (cmon- I dated a Marine). If you want "modeling shots that could be confused as porn," go to model mayhem.

Recap showed Danny's terrible finish (that should be a porn title). As bad as it hurts to hear it again, it is a reminder for America. It is time to end this party.

May 4, 2009

I know what you did this weekend

So, this weekend I had a pretty serious helping of horror flicks. Here is a review of them all for your pleasure.

Friday- They youngest sister and I decided to use the "On Demand" feature on our Cox Cable package. Free movies-Fearnet. We picked the movies passe on their plot summaries.

If I Die Before I Wake: So- the cinematography is a little high school handheld. The entire set up of the film takes 3 minutes, where the camera pans through the house and all the bedrooms. Then, the bad guys enter. The 16 year old girl hides with the 6 year old girl, so that the bad guys don't find them. Note to self- buy a 5 ft tall stuffed dalmatian to hide behind in case of emergency. The acting is pretty terrible, and the script was probably written by a sophomore in high school. Things escalate rather quickly, and some people die. The 16 year old girl turns straight up Bruce Willis as John McClane. If you are looking for a film that will make you yell at the screen, and feel like you need to take a shower, then this is right for you. Just hope that you don't mind bad teeth.
Grade: B-

The New Kids: Lori Laughlin. James Spader. Eric Stoltz. How do you say no? For the first hour, you don't remember that you are watching a horror film. With the amazing work out montages, upbeat soundtrack, and Lori Laughlin's bangs- you are right in the middle of pure 80's heaven. Then- you remember that the kids (lori and some random dude) are working for their Uncle's Santa Claus theme park. Their parent's are dead, and they move to Florida to start fresh- hence the title. They meet some creepy kids, but nothing to crazy. We figured the storyline would develop into "haunted theme park." We waited about an hour... then instead, they decided to have James Spader and his wonderful silk button ups go TOTALLY MENTAL- and kill Lori Laughlins' bunny. We are then taken on a 23 minute tour of "we are hick guys and we get whatever we want." From nearly lighting Lori Laughlin on fire, to shooting her uncle in the stomach, to a trained pitbull attack, to a shoot out in Santa's Village, this movie really escalated quickly. All I know is- if I move to a small town, I will say YES when the creepo asks me out on a date. I don't want my cat Baxter decapitated and dropped into my shower.
Grade: B

Out of the Dark: A serial killer is targeting a group of phone sex operators in L.A. Say what?! Yeah, that is what we thought. This one was by far the best film of Friday night's marathon. This guy, Bobo, would call the ladies and talk about some pretty wicked stuff, and hang up. They didn't hink much of it- until girls started getting killed. The whole movie was funny scary, from the acting to the scripting. Allow me to paraphrase our favorite scene:
We see the owner of the phone sex company asleep in her bed. The phone rings.
"Hi, this is the detective. We just discovered the body of a girl in the park. She had your phone number in her pocket, so we think she may have been one of your girls. We are going to need you to identify the body."
"We are really hoping to get this whole thing wrapped up before lunch. We open at 9 am."
"I will be there at 10 am."
"Thanks for your cooperation."
Add a few soft core porn scenes and some gory murders and you have yourself a winner!
Grade: A-

The next night, my sister and I hung out with our "sister soulmates," another group of sisters similar in age and personality. They like cheesy horror as well, and have an amazing collection.

The Baby's Room (English title): I couldn't get my sister to agree to this one the night before- so I worked our friends, and got to watch it. C'mon now. A baby monitor that shows some creepy stuff? Yes! BUT- it was filmed in Spanish- and subtitled. And boring. And slow. And we turned it off after 45 minutes of nothing really happening.

Happy Birthday to Me: Another great 80's flick. A little slow going, this one is about a high school girl that is a part of an elite society at school. The Top Ten, as they are called, cause trouble and inter date a la 90210. We learn that there was some accident and follow up surgery that has made our heroine (some chick from Little House on the Prairie) a little bit out of sorts. There are some gory deaths that apparently were originally filmed grosser- but edited to receive an R rating instead of an X rating. Hilarious to us, considering the movie we watched next, but I digress. Any how- the ending is a little twisty and underdeveloped, basically because it was never actually written, just made up as they approached it. Good stuff though, and it led to some interesting discussion and goggling.
Grade: B- director's cut with added gore would receive an A

Midnight Meat Train: This is one that our friends brought. In hearing the title- I thought it could have been a porn. A recently made film, Bradley Cooper (yum) plays a photographer that is working on an assignment about life in the city at night. He captures the last known photos of a handful of people, as they disappear forever after boarding the subway. That's because that dude from Gone in 60 Seconds that doesn't talk is killing them all and taking their bodies to the underworld for feed time. I fell asleep a little, because I am old, so I missed a few things. But this film is by far the goriest film I have ever seen, including the modern "Amityville Horror." Hey, that one had a hot guy too.
Grade: B

So- go home and turn on your Cox on Demand (dirty), and see if you can find some more movie gold.