May 13, 2009

Na na na na... na na na na-- Hey Hey Hey Gokey's Gone (Idol Recap- sorry I spoiled it)

Alright- I think it is really fucking time I get a DVR. I just left book club so that I could come home for Idol, and I missed the first 25 minutes. So- keep that in mind while you read. One good thing- I probably missed the lame trips home. I prolly would have made fun of some third grader, and been called an asshole. Anyway.... (also-I want to show everyone right now. It is ANYWAY, not ANYWAYS- ANYWAYS is not a word.)

I walk in at 8:25, and Kris is onstage. He is given criticism, and sent to the couch with Danny Gokey. They are both bottom two, right? Did we just stop dicking with America, and let them know that Adam was safe early? That would have been my vote. Because, "seriously, really?!?"

Jordin Sparks is performing... she is cute. And from Arizona. We like to claim our local celebrities. Funny story- I have totally drank with her pop. Last year (maybe two), my roommate and I went to our local watering hole to watch a University of Arizona basketball game that wasn't on tv... or maybe it was football. It was football. Anyway, there was this cool guy at the end of the bar talking to us about our team, and this that and the other. He went to ASU, so we started some smack talking. And he drank Glenlivet, so he was cool. Anyway, he left- wishing us luck, and being an all around sweet guy, and totally chill. We said to the bartender- "he's a cool dude." he says- "Yeah, that is Bubba Sparks, Jordin Sparks' dad." So- there is my one degree of separation from an American Idol superstar. While I told that whole story, I totally missed her performance. I think she was wearing something sparkly. Whatever, she is cute. I like her.

This whole Glee nonsense is too much for me. I am SO stoked for this show. But I only get to watch one episode before they close for the summer. It is so messed up on so many levels.

ok- Wait a fucking minute. We are JUST NOW seeing Adam Lambert at 8:38?!?! This vote off episode is such bullshit. Let's go to San Diego. Holy crap- his local weather girl had him do her eye shadow. Seems to me that their FOX news is as lame as our fake news station, 3TV, the place with more stuff. Where are all the gay dudes running around after him!?!??! He goes back to a theater that he legitimately performed in, and it is super sweet. And I love that they show that Adam Lambert can be sweet, and won't try to make your children FABULOUS! I want a day named after me in Phoenix. Oh crap. I think I missed the flasher. HOLY CRAP they are taking him to the marine base... nice rendition of the Anthem, Adam. FYI- there weren't any Marines on base that day... ha.

So- let's send Adam to the couch again, and have them all sit there. And Katie Perry is next...

I really like that MasterCard can still use the "priceless" commercial theme. It still works, but doesn't seem outdated. How do they do that? And it isn't like there haven't been a shit-ton of parodies. We had one my sophomore year of college for our Mardi Gras sorority date dash. I didn't go to the party, but I bought the shirt. Lost it one time in the laundry, and I tried to get another one from Senior Wills but was unsuccessful. Not that it matters. The tshirt quilt that my mom was going to buy me as a graduation gift never got made. BUT the tshirts are all still in the closet of my old bedroom, so ... there's that. I found a chick online that does them- but I need it to be totally symmetrical and perfect, so I didn't hire her- based on her online photo album.

So they are sitting on the couch and I nearly just died.. they say that Katy Perry is up, and they will reveal the results after that. Apparently Gokey just wants it to be over- because the nerves are too much- and Adam yells " I JUST WANNA SEE KATY PERRY!!!" I love him.

So- I haven't heard this song. Apparently my marine sister loves this song, and was pissed that she released it. She likes to like the songs no one knows on the album. It makes her a more elite fan. So- this is about a marriage in Vegas. After a drunken night... well- the sanctity of that is serious. FYI- She kinda is annoying. I'm done with her vibrato. AND done with the camel toe caused by her unitard.

Here we go- dim the lights..... first person competing...... KRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Simon is shocked... my heart is racing... seriously... I might get sick- I am so excited. Please send danny home.. please send danny home... please send danny home..... holy crap..... get there faster! ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you America. Danny Gokey can go back to wherever the hell he is from. Let's count the dead wifeisms in his goodbye piece. 1.... two.... jump jump.... three... faux hawk.... prayer stance... spaz dance... Jaime Foxx in his face.. four... four dead wives in a 58 second vignette... excellent work Idol producers... I hope he dedicates You Are SO Beautiful to the dead wife (hey- boyf's sister- I am NOT going too far. ;) )

Kara is crying. I am elated. The crowd is clapping along... Kara is crying... Kris is shitting himself.... white girl clapping off beat.... I am elated.... Danny licks his pervo lips... Paula is on her feet.... group hug.... hey- it is 2 minutes past end time... simon says "it could be a big ding dong next week." Kris laughs his usual "simon, you're so silly" giggle.

I haven't been this excited for an Idol finale sine Justin and Kelly. OMG OMG OMG! Do you think that Kris and Adam can do a movie?!?! If you have never seen From Justin to Kelly - go rent it. NOW. Of course... in this film, they wouldn't be able to fall in love. I am sure they could find themselves in some CRAZY predicaments!!!

May 12, 2009

It's Too Late to Apologize, America- YOU voted Gokey here (Idol recap)

I am a really good sister. It is 9:24, and I am watching the Idol episode that I recorded earlier because at 7 p.m., I was in a sweltering hot drama room at the High School watching my sister’s last performance. After this, I will be writing a letter to the principle, telling him that it might be a good idea to turn on the a/c for a performance when the weather is over 104 during the day. It would be awful if the children suffered heat stroke.

Now onto Idol…..
The week they go home doesn’t really make sense to me. It isn’t like they actually KNOW all these people that are geeking out…and the whole thing is always so “surreal.” And their HS principle that never even knew them says something about how he is a hero, and barf, barf, barf.

Then, the judges pick a song for them, basically something expected that doesn’t challenge them or challenge what we think of them. Then the final 3 pick a song, and it is usually pretty similar to the other one the judges pick… let’s get it started (ha), let’s get it started (in here). That was for you, sister. Hope you appreciate it.

I have no idea what song this is. All I hear is this doucher yelling. How is Terrance Trent D’arby at all relevant? Remember when he said he was gonna be bigger than the Beatles? And then peole lit his albums on fire? I may be remembering the second part incorrectly. I heard the story on I Love the 80’s. It cracks me up that Kara makes fun of his dancing, because she has equally as awkward moves. Paula looks a lot better now that she isn’t medicated. Why is she so tan? Simon too…. I want to kick this dude. No more, America. I BEG you.

For Kris- Randy and Paula are ppicking a song, because they both count as half a person. He will be singing Apologize. Which I think they told him to sing earlier this season. This purple lighting bullshit has GOT to stop. He doesn’t really change anything, but it is less annoying than the original. This is the fun part of judge’s pick- they pick a song, and then get mad that he didn’t do what they wanted him to do with it. Simon TOTALLY calls Kara on it. AND IT IS AWESOME. Nothing makes me happier than when people get called on their bullshit. Ryan- get control of this show. Kara goes over and pretends to wrestle Simon, and blah blah. This is just so expected and ridiculous.

I am glas that Simon is picking for Adam. Basically because the other judges are near worthless. I had hope for Kara. But no more. You know what would be interesting. If someone tracked Idol like sports stats… and let me know the percentage of a certain judge being assigned the task of picking the song for the winner. I would guess that Simon most frequently is assigned the winner. Somebody get on that for me.
Ugh- the Kardashians are in the audience.
Simon likes U2. And apparently made a personal call to Bono to get permission. He probably bought him a new pair of sunglasses. Oh- I recognize this song. Sorry- I am not that big of a U2 fan. Oh, gasp, blasphemy. I know. Whatever. GTFover it. So, he stars nice and smooth, and then he screeches out in typical Adam fashion. And his mom is crying in the audience. I am not going to rehash the judges and their high school fake drama bullshit.

Some dork in the audience has a sign that says “adam rox my sox off.” It would be cooler if there was a sports theme on it, but instead, it is just changing the spelling of the words for no reason. If I were a producer, someone would be hired to monitor the songs for lameness. That one would not have made the cut.

Oh- I forgot about “Idol Gives Back.” Don’t they usually have some big show where nobody goes home, and they raise a bunch of money? Or something… oh. I guess they just send Carrie Underwood to Africa. Lame. FF. Sorry- I am just one of those people that thinks that maybe we should make sure we have ourselves taken care of before we go help everyone else in the world. I am sure there are some kids in America that need a little assistance, but apparently we like to pretend that problems don’t exist within our borders. This is American Idol, after all. We must prove the greatness of America. Let’s just pretend that there aren’t any kids in South Phoenix who didn’t know where their dinner was coming from tonight. Let’s just keep pretending we have it all figured out, and we can tell everyone else how to do it the right way. But- I digress.

Oh- as If I wasn’t fired up enough, the ass clown was up. Blah, blah, blah. You Are So Beautiful, by Joe Cocker. Duh. I can’t even listen. FF. Hey Randy- thanks for letting us know that the dude can sing. I thought I was watching “America’s Next Dance Crew.” Simon has something on his shirt. I think it is Paula’s bronzer. This horsehit of Ryan standing up there and asking the “post performance” how did that feel garbage is really annoying. It is bad enough when that one chick does it for NFL on Fox.

Kris is singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. No idea. I don’t listen to what the cool kids do. I listen to classic rock. I-tunes plug. Oh… yeah… I know this song. And hey-Kara, he has his guitar. And will go acoustic on it. So if you don’t like it, you can jump off a bridge for all I care. It is nice to hear something a little more up tempo/rough from Kris. He did a nice job of sowing us a different style. Too bad he is going home tomorrow. I am gonna miss that little thing he does where he sings out of one side of his mouth. I think he wife has gained weight. Judges bicker- Ryan finally says something. Too little to late dude.

Idol tour. They don’t seem to be promoting it this much this year.

Adam is doing Aerosmith. You can tell he was gonna rock, because he is wearing his leather jacket. He is doing Cryin… remember how edgy Alicia Silverstone was in this video- with her tattoo, and the motorcycle and stuff? OR wait, is this the one where Liv is on the stripper pole? Or are they the same video? I am so bored. Hey- did you know that Adam can hit really high notes while shrieking? Thought I would let you know. It is comincal to me that randy calls him a Rock Star. Rocky Horror star is more like it. Paula basically calls him the winner right there. Simon is awesome. He reminds everyone that you have to vote, because the producers might not make it up as they go along….

I am not that excited about tomorrow night, and quite frankly- I am not looking forward to the finale. Between the widow that screams and creeps me out, and Adam that yells in a much sweeter, more feminine way, I don’t think I can do an hour, AND a finale. I have pretty much realized that the cute puppy train of Kris has reached its final stop. Sad.

Who was the third one last year? I don’t remember.

Catch you on the flip side.