February 25, 2010

Idol Recap- First Vote Off

I didn't blog during the cheesy opening montage and lame group sing, because it was more important for me to eat my beef fajita nachos. Yes, they were delicious. These group sings are so unbelievably painful to watch, and so totally karaoke that I have no idea how Simon hasn't gotten the removed.

Off with their heads starts with the ladies:
Back row-
the witch, Siobhan is safe
gums, Hayley safe
the chick I don't remember, Michelle- safe
big haired blonde, Katelyn safe

One of these two goes home:
old little girl, Katie
the girl that messed up Heart, Janelle

Randy is asked who deserves to go... and he is lame and doesn't answer. Grow some balls, dude.
7:15 :Janelle goes home. Because she sucks. And she is only an average looking blonde with a minimal personality. And then she gets another chance to make our ears bleed. Why do we let the early rejects sing? Shouldn't it be only the top 8 sing at departure? There is a reason we got rid of them. Thanks for reminding us that we did not like her.

And now, a performance from last years pink haired 17 YO power voice. Her hair is still pink, but noticeably longer. When she finishes, she asks Ryan if it was time to have another awkward conversation. Haha. Love her.

Front row ladies, time to rock:
Paige "too boring to have a nickname" is safe
Creepy pixie girl, Lacey is miraculously safe
Grey haired girl, Lilly is safe
dirty hippie Crystal, safe

Ashely and Didi are bottom two- Ellen gets asked what advice she has for the loser. "It is just a new begininning somewhere else. " Ha. Didi is safe, and there is justice in the world. Camera pans to fake sad looks from the girls. This chick acts like she has been on this show for months, and dedicates her crappy performance to her family. If I were her family, I would tell her thanks for the crappy consolation gift, I wanted a new car. And no, you cant sleep on my couch while you look for another job.

7:36 We are back from commercial and there is some weird video with the 70's kid in a bathrobe during dress rehearsal. Weird.

Big Mike is safe. Duh.
Shania Twain's lover, safe
The original 16 YO is safe
the dancer is safe, but Ryan lets him sweat it out. Watch your back, dude.

The last minute addition and the American Dream are in the bottom two. Kara is asked if America is right, and beats around the bush. Ryan is direct and asks again and she says no. The next question Ryan should have asked was who SHOULD have been there then, but he is too lame to ask that. Create some tension, dude! The last minute addition is safe and is so surprised, he makes a face like there is a ferret crawling in his pants. This guy kinda cries when he finishes his song, and he proves he is too fragile a soul for this machine.

Idol Gives Back. Call me an asshole, but I tune out for each one of these. They sent Kris Allen to Haiti. He is a genuine guy, so I don't mind him coming on here and talking about giving back, because I think he really does mean it. I can't see some of these assholes help an old lady walk across the street, so the idea that they would help somewhere like Haiti is ridiculous. Kris sings "Let It Be." I must be honest. As much as I tried to fight it, I fell victim to his charms last season and developed a little crush. I swooned. Haven't bought an album though.

Crap, we're back
Surfer dude is safe. Duh
The asshole, Jermaine is safe. America, you are stupid.
The average guy, Lee is safe
The artsy one, Andrew is safe

Cougar bait (Tyler) and the mullet kid (Alex) are in the bottom two. Simon is asked who he thinks it is based on the vocals and he says "Tyler, it's over." And he is right. Tyler says that he didn't get any constructive criticism during Hollywood week, and what he heard came too late. Way to pass the blame, asshole.

The "say goodbye" montage is all 4 losers together. Thank you Idol, for knowing that we don't really have an emotional attachment to these guys yet, so a one minute overview with all of them is more than enough.

Girls on Tuesday and guys on Wednesday, and Ryan says "it's gonna get dramatic." We get the end credits while Tyler croons. I like that the dudes don't do the fake hugs and pouts. Until next week (Idol wise) -Smell ya later, bitches.

February 24, 2010

Idol Recap- It's Raining Men

Tonight I will be blogging from the boyf's house. Let's find out if surround sound is really the best way to listen. I'm nervous.

The dudes this season look pretty weak. Literally. As in, I am afraid they can't hold the microphone due to the enormous weight. Except for that one guy, who could hold them all in pyramid form without breaking a sweat. Oops. Boyf just heard it was TWO HOURS tonight. Apparently he is choosing to get drunk. We all have our coping mechanisms.

Simon is choosing not to rock the tight shirt, but his button up shirt is opened low enough to see his chest hair. Grrrr. Now we hear Ellen talk about the differences between listening live and at home. She has verified the "what are the judges thinking!?!?"question that is frequently asked, as apparently the flaws are covered in a studio performance.

Todrick Hall- - "Since You've Been Gone"- I liked this guy when he wrote his original song for the audition. But then he got really annoying. In case you don't pay attention to the interwebs, he is apparently a shady play producer. This "jazzy" version of Kelly Clarkson is very boy band. Late 90's boy band. BUT he is "making it his own." And it backfires... because he "completely shredded the song," according to Randy. Simon said what he did "was verging on stupid. " Note to the finalists- don't destroy a song that was produced by the Idol Machine. It will not be taken well. Simon is right, he is a dancer trying to be a singer.

Aaron Kelly "some song I have never heard of" I do not remember this kid. Did we meet him? On the plus side, at least Proactiv has a new Idol spokesperson. Speaking of which, I am looking forward to the "gentler" formula that hopefully doesn't bleach out my towels. SEE, I'm not just an asshole, I'm also a client. :P Hmm. Maybe he used it between Hollywood week and here. I blame the fact that we have to listen to this 16 YO entirely on Justin Beiber. Apparently I am becoming too old for this show. The 13 YO that call for hours on end will like him. The judges start this "believe in yourself" non-sense. Oh, apparently the song was by Rascal Flats.

Jermaine Sellers "Get Here" This guy likes to wear weird hats. I remember this song. And I don't think the chick that originally sang it sang it as high as he is now. EWWWW. He just threw in the word "shorty." Is that really how we modernize something? If we start Autotuning the classics, I officially quit. Judges hated it. This is where the contestants get really confused. Because the judges tell them to "make it their own." Then, they get told they went too far. Delicate balance. But guess what? You are always going to have a boss that changes their mind on what they want. It's called "being a grown up." Now he is speaking gibberish, and showing that he is an asshole. Somebody get the hook.. get him off the stage. "I got made out to look like a diva." YOU ARE A DIVA, ASSHOLE. Throw the band leader under the bus, and then FORGET HIS NAME?!?!

Tim Urban "Apologize." Time out for the obligatory Coke promo. Apparently this kid got the call from the producers that he would be returning. Who did we get rid of? Was there a criminal in the mix? After a brief google search, the dude he was replaced was disqualified by having a previous contract. Apparently this dude missed the memo that previous winner Kris Allen rocked this song last year. This kid did not. Ouch. To be honest, I tuned it out in my google search to find out how he got here. Simon says that they made the right choice in the beginning, and he shouldn't be here. The judges say it is an utter fail, and maybe he will get a sympathy vote, or an "adorable vote" as Ellen put it. He gives a lame excuse to why he sucked- some last minute change... As my dad frequently says "Fools give you reason, wise men never try." Yes, that is from a musical. Yes, my dad is straight.

Has it really only been 46 minutes?

Joe Munoz "You and I Both" He is this year's "living the American Dream" candidate. This song is "if Enrique Igelsias sang Jason Mraz." Not because he is Latino- don't throw hate mail my way. It is because he has same cadence and phrasing. And pronunciation. I am a big Mraz fan, so I have a little issue with it. JMraz makes me smile and feel really warm. That element was gone from this song. Mixed reviews from the judges. I don't hate him. He will probably skate through.

Tyler Grady"American Woman"- This kid was really shiny at auditions, I am glad he found some blotting strips. Yes, I used to work in cosmetics. He has a cute way about him that makes me think Cougars will eat him alive. With this song choice, he plays right into it. "Mommy can't right now sweetie, she's watching Idol." Simon says it is all a bit cliche. Each judge said the same exact thing; please tell me why it took 4 minutes to say it. Just take your fingers, put them in the air, and make quotation marks. That signifies "ditto." As in, "me too, " "I agree, " "what HE said."

Lee Dewyze "Chasing Cars" He fills the "just a regular guy" role. Last year,, this went to the oil rigger that looked like a Joss Whedon Vampire. He keeps picking these songs that were popular just a few years ago. You are on the downswing of the popularity of that song, my friend. He sucked. Off key. Go back to the paint store, dude. Randy tries to get him on the more modern path with Kings of Leon. Every once in a while, Randy gets it right. And Simon is on drugs, and says it is the best performance of the night. For the record- I got bored again, and googled the other guy. Michael Sarver. This guy is right on track for that... getting the votes because people like your "regular guy persona." You get to the final 6, and then get bumped out because you have the least amount of talent. On the plus side, you get a bunch of chicks that will sleep with you for the next few years. Better than selling paint to bored housewives.

John Park- "God Bless the Child" This is the guy that Shania Twain geeked out over. He starts out like he has never heard himself on a microphone before. And looks terrified. He finally starts to warm up a little bit in the second verse. His chances aren't that great. Is it just me, or do Asian dudes not make it very far in Idol? William Hung aside, of course. Is he to blame? Ellen proves she is the new Paula and tries to coddle him. He pulls the emotional pull, and talks about what the song means to him personally. Flip a coin.

Michael Lynche- "This Love"- I think the boyf sums it up. "Oh, THIS fucking guy." I hope that you can explain to your little girl that you watched her delivery on a cell phone in a hotel ballroom because you wanted to live the dream. This guy makes my brain jumbled. He sings John Mayer, and now he sings Maroon 5. You just don't expect these songs from a 6'4, 320lb dude. I am sure John Mayer and Adam Levine TOGETHER don't weigh as much as this dude. But he ROCKS it. He has the "teddy bear" appeal and a winning smile. Kara basically says he is the shiny turd in a crap group. Simon says he didn't bring enough. Note to Michael: He is challenging you because he sees your potential. It is what Simon does so well, and it is a key factor that will be missing when he is gone. That is why the cast (the smart ones at least) appreciate his feedback the most. Because he isn't gonna jerk your chain to get the crowd to cheer. He is gonna keep it real, and challenge you to do your best. It is what good leaders do. Wow. Got serious there for a minute.

Alex Lambert "Wonderful World" This guy survived that bossy bitch during group day. I like him for that reason. Last time I checked, that girl didn't make it on the show. Hmm. Does he have a mullet? I like the tone in his voice. One of those that is better when you don't look at him. Simon calls it the "most uncomfortable performance of the night." He has a good voice, but the nerves need to get in check. Ellen compares him to a banana, because he is just not ripe enough yet. But when he does, she is ready to eat him. Weird. He has only performed live 3 times. He is precious, and those ovaries out there are going to sympathy vote him on.

Casey James- "Heaven" Surfer dude that kara has a crush on. Rough start. The original Bryan Adams song, not the lame pop version that debuted when I was in college. Why mess with a Canadian classic? He's cute. There is a kind of Bob Seger quality to his voice that I dig. I'm not yet swooning, but he is a good future candidate for that.There is a weird kind of interaction with the "Kara has a crush on him thing." Kara says he is kinda pitchy. But he can play and sing and has a heart and soul. Simon says it was a great song choice, and his best performance yet. He is so obviously top 12, let's just put him there.

Andrew Garcia-"Sugar We're Going Down" -Not sure how I feel about him. Acoustic version. I dig this. I am sure this is the first time people are actually understanding the lyrics to this song. Cock it and pull iiiiiIIIIIiiit. Love this. Simon was disappointed because it was too serious and indulgent. Apparently I am listening to a different version. I really liked it. Hmmm. Ellen translates Simon's "self indulgent" comment, and tells him that the moment he looked over at his girlfriend an lit up was the best part of the song, because he remembered that it wasn't just him in the room.

Do not ever place the 16 YO next to the giant dude again in the closing shot. I am afraid he will eat him. The size differential is not good.

February 23, 2010

Idol Recap- Let's Talk About Chicks, Man

It's the time of year where I actually get regular readers to my blog! Yay! I have decided to start blogging about Idol earlier in the season than normal. I NEVER blog during the audition process, because I spend most of that time yelling at my tv when Randy says 200 million thousand percent yes. That isn't a real number. Yes is 100%. No is 0%. Maybe could be 45-65%.

If you are new- here is the drill:
- I live blog, and type as I watch. You are getting straight up reactions about the performance.
- I could care less about the sob stories and life dreams. I won't even remember their names on call until there are only 8 left. There will be nicknames and usually not nice ones.
- I swear. That won't change. If that offends you, there are plenty of other recaps to read. :)
- My musical talent is average. I can carry a tune, but by no means am I a vocalist. I just like reality tv, and people read this- so it makes me feel special. ;)

Here we go!!

This is the first year with Ellen, and I have friends that used to IdolBlog, but refuse to now because of her. I agree that Ellen will probably mess things up, but this is my last year as an IdolBlogger, as it is Simon's last year. The show will be useless without him. We open with what is expected to be the first of MANY time consuming Ellen produced joke pieces. This one is about how she can't sit next to Simon because he is feely. Simon fake laughs, but even he wants to get to the meat of the show. We don't actually get to the performances until about 7:12. This is the crap that makes them run over.

Tonight- we hear about the ladies.... here are my BRIEF recaps:

Paige Miles- "All Right Now" She decides not to change the lyrics, so the "hey there is a hot chick over there, maybe she wants to make out" concept stays. She does this annoying tapping the fingers on the mic crap. And that annoying "let me show you I can hit a million different notes within 8 seconds" bit. Meh. Lame. Simon says that it is a terrible song choice, and he is right. The rest of the judges then take sides, for the first of many times, as if the rest of their opinions matter.

Ashley Rodriguez- "Happy" I don't know this song, so I can't compare. Holding the mic a little close- I don't need to hear every breath and spittle. She has a nice voice, but I am bored. The judges all agree. Simon hates it, and tells her she is going backwards. Kara's hair looks stupid. She needs to realize how old she really is, girl.

Janelle Wheeler- "What About Love?"- I love Heart. And this girl was likeable, until she started singing. It pains me when people mess up awesome songs. Flat. Nervous. Forgettable. OUCH. Off key. ROUUUUUUGH at the end. She is about to cry, and she should. It sucked. Judges agree- her voice isn't big enough for that song.

Lilly Scott-"Fixing a Hole"- Ugh, the gray hair is weird. What is the standard spelling for gray? I like it better with the "a." She picks a relatively unknown Beatles song. Probably during their really stoned stage. That is when I lose contact, as I am not a pot smoking hippie. She has one of those "unique" voices. I don't mind it, I am just nervous about what happens during Disco week- if she makes it that far. Wow. Major eye sex with the camera. Ellen loves her, Simon says he doesn't feel the star power, but she is the best so far. Randy says she is a real "indie artist." What was your first clue, dude? She has gray hair and plays a guitar. She isn't exactly the next big thing for Gospel.

Katelin Epperley- "Oh Darling"She has big blonde curly hair, and with that bow in it, she looks like "Like a Virgin Madonna." Someone sings this song each season. She is confident, and I don't really know how I feel about her. Simon does- he likes her, but thinks she is rough around the edges. Kara uses some technical terms like "melodies" and "register." She did that last season, and I liked her better then. She says she hates the makeover. Ellen says what I was thinking- "I couldn't tell if you were trying too hard, but I still like ya." ummmmm Kara just said the b-word. Family show, Kara. We only use sexual innuendo that goes over the kiddies heads, not straight up cursing.

Haely Vaughn -"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" GUMS. The lisp is annoying. She is doing the Hold Your Hand melody from Across the Universe. Well, she was. And then she yells/screeches... and yodels. Make her stop. Ears bleeding. Dogs across the neighborhood are barking. Seriously. Kara pulls a "Paula," and says "technically it sucked, but you lit up the stage, you really had fun up there." I don't care if she is having fun- it was awful. Randy says the notes are "not quite as pleasing as they could be." I guess that is a nicer way to put it. Ellen blah blah blah. Simon- "wind up doll that never stopped smiling." :) "A complete utter mess." Love him.

Lacey Brown- "Landslide" I don't even remember her. Her southern belle voice doesn't mix with her electric red pixie cut. Nasally, sharp. It is like she has never heard herself sing with a mic. The arrangement sucks. The Idol guys in the audience are kind of looking at each other uncomfortably. Randy- "terrible and PITCHY." In case you are new to Idol, that is one of his buzz words. Ellen says she is better than that. Simon said it was indulgent and was waiting for it to end. She can leave. I wouldn't remember her if she showed up on a future season of Celeb Rehab. Now she is getting sassy about the criticism. Kiss of Death. Smell ya later, bitch. You can't get sassy with the judges until you have successfully made it through 4 weeks not being in the bottom 3.

Michelle Delamor- "Falling" I have no idea who this chick is. They try to give her some extra screen time by asking her some random crap. How many times do we have to hear this song on this show? Wow. Arms spread. Lights up. Hot the drums. Las Vegas show style. Willing to bet that Simon calls it "Cruise Ship." Ellen loves it. Simon says it sounds close- but not as good as the original. Says she needs to be different, but she has done enough to move on. Kara does the head bobbing thing that she does when she talks to the "soul sisters. "She goes from sass to straight laced faster that Tyra Banks.

Didi Benami-"The Way I Am"- This is the perfect song for her. I love Ingrid Michaelson. She is even able to make it a little different. But Simon thinks it is indulgent- and too many girls are trying to be the same kind of different. Kara is actually familiar with the song, and tells them that she is making changes. I don't like her name.

Siobhan Magnus-"Wicked Game" She never should have gotten into the top 24.She looked like she was terrified/in pain at her last performance. Wow. She is singing like a dude. Her stage presence is better. And she has definitely been made over. I am starting to like her. A lot, actually. Kara brings up that it is nasally. And Randy liked the second verse better. Simon calls her a "funny little thing." Simon wants to know why she picked it--- she wanted them to see her softer side. She finds the song haunting. Simon looks like he is afraid she would kill him. Randy proves he is dumb by totally not getting a "she can blow" joke. Because she is a glass blower. Get it?

Crystal Bowersocks- "Hand in My Pocket" Dirty hippie. Dreadlocks gross me out. What is IN there? This is a way more likeable version than what Alanis originally did. I always skipped this song on the album, because I don't like yodeling. Except when Jewel does it. I dig that this chick plays the harmonica. Randy thinks she's honest and she's gonna "do her thing." Simon says yeah-" we like you, we like your baby, but there are a million of you standing outside a Subway." :)

Katie Stevens- "Feeling Good" We get to hear this for the 8,392 time on this show. I used to like her. Way too much voice for a 17 year old. It's trippy. She is doing this bouncy bop thing I don't really care for. That "I don't want to dance, but I have to do SOMETHING thing." Ellen thinks it is too old for her. And then repeats it a million times. And Simon agrees. And said it started to become annoying for that reason. "very pageanty." Randy tries to get technical. She handles that criticism like a pro, and says she can definitely make the changes, and she agrees with what the judges say. Nicely coached.

So- vote if you want. I don't. We've got the dudes tomorrow. I hate these dancing montages. They look stupid. Until tomorrow.