April 29, 2009

I really should title these more consistently so you know it is a blog about idol

Vote off night where 5 go to 4.

Randy- that shirt is from disco week. Did Paula get her boobs done? Simon, your shirt is so thin I can see your nipples. Still love you. Didn't say anything about Kara, because she deserves a break.

So- there is a shit storm of performances. Taylor Hicks, the loser we forgot about, Natalie Cole, who would be nothing without a duet with her dead dad, and Jaime Foxx the sellout extraordinaire.
These commercials are so stupid.

Medley on the stairs. Dancing can't be too hard, since they are singing live again. Why couldn't Matt sing like this last night? I have a big crush on Kris, but his pants are a little tight. Adam makes me feel like he is trying to picture me naked (which makes me uncomfortable), and Danny Gokey makes me feel like he is trying to steal my wallet. You may have noticed that I didn't mention Allison. It is because I am a little bit over her.

Why is Justin Long wearing a cardigan in the new Mac commercial? And I am not at all excited about this Dance Flick horse shit.

I realllllly have to pee. Why do I have to watch them bake a cake? Seriously? Danny is an asshole, and has not respect. Who else would destroy a kitchen like that. Maybe he is used to his dead wife cleaning up his messes. AND RYAN GIVES HIM A BILL FOR THE CLEAN UP. How rad would it be if he actually had to pay it. But his response only proves further that he sucks.

They bring everybody on stage for the results... Matt is placed on the left side of the stage. Danny- blah blah blah. He gives some Miss SC speech. bet you forgot about her after that Miss California stuff. Danny is upper right. Allison- wow. she is really dull. upper right. Kris- has my heart, so what does it really matter- he is already a winner. ;) but he goes left. Adam makes the dorkiest faces when he is geeking out with excitement- ooooooh Adam has to guess which group he belongs with.... aka the ones NOT in the bottom two. He chooses Allison and Danny... and is told that he shouldn't be there... because HE IS IN THE BOTTOM THREE. I believe that I said that his fan base was too secure... I knew it.

Matt wants to kill himself. He is too weak for this. Randy is so dumb... he pretends like he and Jaime are BFFS. can we stop the "bah duh duh. bah Duh duh." it is really annoying. HOLY SHIT .. Kara says.. "my jaw dropped. my mouth was open, that is what happens with Adam around." HAHA. Randy coughs, Paula gets it too late, and Ryan distracts everyone with a shiny object. One thing that Kara has really done well this season is create more innuendo. Which I love, as I am a dirty, dirty perv.

So, let's talk about people that are only famous because of who their parents are..... Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Kim Kardashian and Natalie Cole. Let the rumor start here- she is using again. She is too skinny, and has a big q-tip head. This songs sucks, and she is flat. BTW- when the first thing someone says to you is "you look great,"it is because they want to say something nice, and they don't have anything nice to say about your performance. Oh, she is touring in Korea. Awesome. 3 of the 4 judges look at her with fake smiles on their faces, thankful that they don't have to say anything, and thankful that it is over. I will let you guess which one looks like there is a brand new puppy onstage with a bow on it.

Here is the thing with Taylor Hicks... his voice- I love- especially tonight. Like, as I type and look at the keyboard (yeah, i know) I WANT to look up and check him out. But I look up and see a spazzo. Granted, it is much better than before. And they have taught him how to play guitar to re-channel some of that nervous energy. I really dig his whole song and such, it is just too bad that it isn't main stream marketable. I think when Katherine McPhee lost to him, she probably shit herself, not realizing that the prom queen doesn't always rise to the top. Sometimes she gets too cocky, and people want the underdog to win.I really don't remember him being this cute... I feel like I am in a parallel universe.

Bringing out the bottom three. Kris goes to the safe zone. He is so cute, and Matt has gone from suicidal to pissing himself. Because he realizes that he is in the bottom with Adam, so it is a show in upheaval. Also. I could WRITE this show. I think I mentioned last night that Adam's fans shouldn't get comfortable. It is time to teach them a lesson, and feed their addiction for another week.

I really can't stand that Mary from the dance show screaming all the time. It is not amusing. It is lame.

Ugh. "Blame It"... haha. Simon makes a joke about Jaime being his best friend (making fun of Randy) but he isn't miked, so they miss it. This song is even worse live.(because of the 'meta-phalanger'- thx boyf) Let me list all the things I would rather be listening to:
-children screaming
-juicy farts coming from the stall next to me in the bathroom
- a random stranger's story about an ingrown toe nail
-metal on metal
-a cat in heat
-a George W. speech

It's over. But now I have to hear him talk. Randy looks validated, because Jaime announces publicly what he told him earlier. Why is he relevant? Oh, "these people are true artists," not like the sell out that he is. Now he is "waxing" Paula. OH THERE IT IS. He says "I've got a movie out called the soloist." That is why we see him. I forgot about that, because I have already decided that I am not going to see it. I am not interested in movies that are such a blatant attempt for an academy award nod. I liken it to Cuba in "Radio." He thought that was IT. Then went on to such critically acclaimed smash hits as "Boat Trip," and "Snow Dogs."

Here we go.... Adam is safe. Matt needs to be placed on suicide watch. He is too sensitive, I tell you.. here is the montage- beginning with the "save." Simon calls everything right. He told him in the beginning that he needed to believe in himself more. Super Matt fan friend of mine- I am really sorry for you. But we can go to Vegas and see him perform in a piano bar. He needs to slay some pussy and get some more confidence. Own it a little more. ROCK AND ROLL NEXT WEEK!!! :) I really hope that Adam does, like, KISS with full make up. Slash is the guest judge and that is amazing.
There are no links right now, because I am using the boyf's Mac, and it is not really easy. So- tomorrow is another day (I would have linked Scarlett O'Hara if I could).

love in an elevator

The title is a little misleading. Because I did not experience "love" in the elevator this morning... I experienced nausea from walking into a fart zone. I was coming back from a meeting off site and walked into the elevator as a dude made a quick exit. I now know why he was so quick to exit- he farted in there. This leads me to educate people on proper elevator ettiquette. Here goes:

- Obviously, don't fart in the elevator. Apparently some people need to be reminded.
- When you enter, create balance and space with the others in the elevator. There is nothing worse than two people in an elevator standing right next to you. Don't get all up in mah grill in an enclosed space.
- If you are towards the top floor, don't stand near the door. I work in a building with 30+ floors. I exit on the first floor of my elevator bank, yet am frequently pushed to the back corner so that people who exit on the last stop can stand up front. I then have to squeeze by them to exit. Which leads me to the next one....
-If you are stuck up front, and it isn't your floor- pop OUT to let people out. It is much nicer than squishing your ass into the person already squished in the corner. Simply keep your hand in front of the door, and it will stay open. That gives it the added bonus of people thinking you are a lady/gentleman, when really you are just trying to get back in.
-If the elevator is full, wait for the next one. This is a rule i follow based on an irrational fear from childhood. I used to read those "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" books. One time I read this story called Room for One More, and it haunts me to this day. Every time someone says that, I politely smile, say "no thanks," and wait for them to plummet to their deaths.
-If the button is lit, don't push it again. It doesn't make it go faster.

I could go on, but you get the idea. So, please, the next time you take an elevator ride, please think of the possibility of someone entering after you, and pinch that fart back.

April 28, 2009

Taking it Back to the Old School

So, I am blogging on location today at the parent’s house. Not that it really matters to you… it doesn’t affect how you read it… BUT it may affect how I write it.

Intros, blah blah. I was in the other room. I came in just in time to see that the douche bag Jaime Fox is the Guest Judge for Big Band week, a qualification he earned by playing Ray Charles in a movie. Apparently he is classically trained, yet has no problem selling out with piece of shit songs like “Blame It.” You know what you SHOULD blame on the "al- a- a- a- uh alcohol?" Telling Miley Cyrus to get a venerial disease . Scum bag. Anyway- I am a hypocritical asshole for this reason: I expect people to understand that I can do and be many things. However, I have a hard time seeing certain celebrities in another light. Jaime Foxx is still that ass clown that came at the end of Living Color, right before it was cancelled.

Kris Allen “the way you look tonight.” One of my favorite songs ever, and apparently Jaime is impressed. Practically offers to record an album with him. It is too early to tell how serious he is. HE might be like Paula and love everyone. Hey- Kris- the microphone can be removed from the stand… oh shit, we are getting big bandy in here…. He makes me giggle like a schoolgirl when he looks at me with those bedroom eyes. The youngest sister, watching for the first time this season says “weak ending.” She is not easily swayed by cuteness of boys. I trained her that way because I don't want o be an aunt too early. Judges love it. Paula’s dress looks like an origami project. One thing that Kris does well- take Simon’s criticism. What the heck does he mean by “it’s wet.” I appreciate the “like walking a cocker spaniel… safe and nice” comment.

The younger sister, essentially my twin and I sing along to the Mini Sirloin Burgers commercial. Rad.

Stool time with Ryan… Allison, who turned 17 yesterday is allowed to show us that she has an actual personality. Jaime Foxx says something lame about her not being old enough to be in love, while I am sure she has a friend of a friend that is pregnant. Just saying, kids grow up quick these days. Also- she looks 27. I like the richer hair color. My mother walks across the house to say… “wow. She atucally has a decent outfit on.” Sister laughs, and mom (who says she doesn’t watch) says "no. you should see some of her outfits.” Calling you out mom. You watch. Judges blah blah. I am trying the new thing that Simon does and kinda stare off blankly. Simon says she is good but because she has the personality of a carrot, she is in trouble. Kara does her “trying to be the cool aunt” call out and spaz arm movements to tell Simon he is wrong. Ha. You know what I am talking about.... that lady is just old enough to not really be relevant anymore, but thinks she is still hip and with it. THAT is Kara.

Stool time with Ryan. Matt is in a really dorky hat. Sister says “heyyyyy gums.” I can’t hear “My Funny Valentine” without thinking about Janice from Friends.Ha, she had big gums too! So, apparently, Jaime Foxx let Matt leave the room without criticizing him, and then had an “oh shit” moment and let him back in. And gave some actual criticism, like "stop the dog and pony show with the notes and scales and actually sing a little bit." I am not sure how I feel, but after last week, we know that Matt fans are crazy. What?!?! Randy says it’s “pitchy.” Gasp. Randy never uses THAT phrase. Matt just “whatevered” Kara… not a good idea. Paula feels a connection, when no one else does. She feels the emotional connections from rocks. They have an aura after all. Simon, just to be fun, disagrees with Randy and calls him brilliant.

Danny Gokey, the ass clown. Jaime Foxx got up in his grill to help him perform better. Ugh. So Danny actually sang tonight, instead of resting on the wind from the dead wife vote. “I would not want to be that microphone.”-sister. “why?”-me “it seems to be covered in spittle.” Ha. I am so filled with hatred for him that I can no longer judge him fairly. I ask the sister, and she says. “Meh, it was ok. But I wouldn’t give him all the credit THEY do.” Then I decided I didn’t want to write about him anymore.

Adam is doing “Feeling Good” and Jaime loved it and rambles and cries Paula style. Has Adam gotten a little face pudge? HA. The stairs are electric pink. I love that he never says… “ I would like it to be more masculine.” His kinda orgasmy singing style is a little much sometimes… but HOLY SHIT what an amazing ending. When he finishes , he smiles proudly like he is waiting for the Miss America crown. The judges nut all over him. Simon may have said the best stuff- “randy’s comment about you being too theatrical is kinda like complaining about a cow mooing.” He then makes a statement about society’s view of winning, and how it is good to go for what you want and make an effort to compete, instead of accepting your mom’s pat on the back.

Matt and Allison are bottom two, unless, by some freak accident, Adam’s fans decide not to vote this week.

April 27, 2009

Bears, So hot right now

Apparently I am not the only person who has gone Bear Crazy. After spending some time on Digg this weekend, I found that most males between the age of 16 and 26 are quite obsessed with bears as well. Here are a few of the top stories:

I shall call him, Bear. A pregnant woman, walking briskly to avoid a bear attack was struck by a slow moving vehicle (she's ok). Apparently she thought the bear was just curious about her, and is sad that it was captured and euthanized(after she identified him in a line up, apparently). She vowed that her child, boy or girl, will be given the middle name of "Bear."

This video, uploaded to you tube over 3 years ago, shows the hot dog eating champion of the world taking on, you guessed it, a bear. Hilarious. the commentators remind me of Jason Bateman and that guy from Office Space in Dodgeball, adding a level of seriousness to utter insanity.

And, for a farm and fuzzy to start your Monday... here is a big bear hug .