Tips for Cardinals Fans, From a Fellow Arizonan

Just got home from the Cardinal Packer Playoff game! WOWZA! First, I would like to say congrats to the Cardinals, it was a good game. You have a great team, but there are a few bones I have to pick with some of your fans. You know, the rude, drunk mean ones.

- Yelling in a stranger's face is rude. Especially if the stranger is carrying a baby, and you are a grown man.

- Some banter is expected when the opposing fan takes seats in a sea of your color, but calling them "ugly," "smelly," "fat," and "bitches" is a little over the top.

- Yelling at someone for cheering when their team scores is ridiculous. Are we supposed to golf clap?

- Chanting "Go Back Home" is a little silly, considering if it weren't for them, you wouldn't have sold out your game. And btw- my "home" is 30 miles from the stadium.

- Flipping off the players and the coaches from the other team when they are rallying their fans is tacky.

- The proper response to a departing fan from a team that took you to overtime is "good game." Not "you suck, go home."

- Overall- learn more about the rules of football- listen to the actual penalty being called-learn the names of the players on your team.

If you keep disrespecting people that travel to your state, boost your tourism and sales and buy tickets to your stadium, they won't come back. So, be nice to them, or learn how to sell out the stadium on your own.

Living in Arizona for over 10 years now, I know that many of these jerks are part of the recent fans that jump on the bandwagon of a winning team. I get crap every day (for just about 2 years) from people that tell me I should support my home team. Well, I have been a Packer fan for 27 years. I've seen Super Bowls, and I have seen seasons under .500. I bleed green and gold. When you have a legacy like the Packers, come talk to me.

Just the Tip- Invites and RSVPS

Another new feature... Just the Tip Tuesdays, where I offer honest advice that doesn't beat around the bush. Today's topic- Invites and RSVPs.

It's that time of year where schedules fill up like nobodies business. There are more things to do than there is time in the day- and you can't be everywhere at once. So, I will take this opportunity to give some tips on invites and rsvps for this busy season.

If you are inviting someone:

-Don't be the jerk that says "What are you doing ____ night?" When people are already over booked, it is tough to give an answer. Perhaps they would rather watch the latest episode of Melrose Place(don't judge) than go to some (slightly pyramid schemey) jewelry party. THERE, I SAID IT. Friends often feel obligated to say yes to you, so leading in with the date, instead of the activity just isn't fair. And neither is making them buy stuff so that you get a kick back. ;)

-Give them info that is pertinent. An invite isn't just time and location. In fact, to avoid confusion and stress on your part the day of- be really clear with directions. Just because google maps exists doesn't mean it will get them to your party easy-peasy. Also- dress code/type of gathering/what to bring is always helpful. And, speaking as a girl that was single for a realllly long time... give your single friends a heads up if it will be couple land. It's just awkward.

-Be clear of your expectations. As we have seen on Real Housewives of (insert trendy city here), many a fight has been caused by late guests. So, if you have a specific start time in mind- like a dinner party type thing- let them know. If it is breezy, and people can come and stop in after one of their other 700 obligations that evening- let them know its casual (and mean it).

-Follow up politely. Maybe they saw the invite, and are trying to chose between you and something else. If you are the jerk that says "are you coming or not?!" you end up making their decision pretty easy. People don't always mean to be rude. Sometimes they just forget to do the follow up, or have to check with someone else before they can commit. So, cut them some slack and give a gentle reminder.

If you are RSVPing:

- Respond. That is what the "R" means. The rest means please. Those darn french and all their words. I know we all get busy, and that is why evite has those lovely reminders. It is fine to figure out for sure if you can attend, but if you KNOW you can't- say no early. It is much better to know that you have a smaller crowd early than to be disappointed the day of. Drop your balls and say you can't make it, don't make excuses the day after.

-If you mess up on the RSVP, say you're sorry. I don't check my mail very often, and consequently- I frequently get invites AFTER the suggested RSVP date. So- when it happened for my aunt's wedding- I sent her a facebook message with the title of "I'm an asshole." Pointing out that you messed up is better than letting people think you don't care.

-Show up if you say you're gonna. Someone took the time to coordinate, plan and provide food and fanfare based on the idea that you are coming. It takes time, effort and money. So get there.

-Follow the rules. If the invite says "rsvp with what dish you are bringing," putting "surprise" is not the answer. If it says dinner begins "promptly at seven," get there before that. Or, maybe you don't get invited next time. Unless you're family, and you HAVE to be invited. Just know somebody there is talking about you, and it might not be nice. ;)


Long story short: everybody is busy, so be polite and help each other out by communicating. Now, go have fun responding to all those holiday party invites. Here's hoping you have enough variety to be able to say no to the really lame work thing that you feel obligated to attend.

MOVE, get out tha way!

I have always hated bicyclists. Well, not ALWAYS. My 8th grade math teacher was one, and any time we wanted to get out of a lesson, someone was nominated to ask her a question about it, and then we didn't have to do math that day. It was great. But somewhere along the time that I really started driving, I began to despise them. Not because they are involved in physical acticity, but because they think that they deserve teh same space on the road that a car does. That's just bullshit as far as I see it.
Where is this random rant coming from, you ask? This douchebag biking up Washington this morning while other people (LANES of them) were trying to drive to work.

Note- it is raining in Phx today

Please notice on your right: a cross walk, and a sidewalk. Apparently neither of these are good enough for this asshole. What happened when the light turned green, you ask? He cut me off, and started biking ahead of me at 13 mph. IN THE RIGHT HAND LANE! Hey- Lance Armstrong- this street isn't closed for a race. People are trying to get to work. Move the hell out of the way. Maybe try a bike path, or one of the many mountain paths, or shit- maybe just a side street. Regardless (side note: in case you didn't know, irregardless is not an actual word), you are not a vehicle and it just messes shit up when you pretend to be one.

Edward Cullen is a Creep

I must tell you, I have had numerous people tell me about Twilight. Some good, some bad. And from what I had heard, I was not impressed. But, because I feel that you shouldn't spout off about something you know nothing about- I decided to read it. I will tell you now, before you invest too much time, that I hated it. If that turns you off, click away now. I will also tell you that the fact that grown ass women find Edward Cullen to be an amazing man disgusts me. If that turns you off, click away now. It also is incredibly disturbing to me that young girls find Edward to be an ideal mate. If you don't want to hear about how he is an emotionally abusive asshole, then click away now.

So- for those 5 people that are still here with me, thanks. You may not agree with me, but I thank you for taking the time to hear me out. First, let me say that it has taken me a month to read this book. Granted, I was a little busy- but- unlike so many who have told me it was amazing, I fell asleep 9 times reading it. No exaggeration. Last night, I decided to focus and get this book out of my life.

I think part of my problem in reading the book, is that I had the actors in my head as the characters the whole time. And I am not entirely fond of them. In fact, thinking of RPats just creeps me out in general. I tried to get past it...but by no means is Stephanie Meyer a literary genius. She writes fiction for teenagers. Can't fault her for that, as I single handedly supported R.L. Stine and Ann M. Martin's career's during my teens. But- to say that she is a great author of our time, c'mon. Great authors of our time use a thesaurus. How many times can you say "dazzling" "sparkling" and "chagrin." I credit the dear friend who let me borrow her book for that knowledge, as she highlighted every occurrence in the 490 pages. Let me just tell you, it's a lot. I didn't REALLY get into the book until about page 345, when Bella is being hunted. That is when I started to turn the pages at rapid speed. The rest of the book was just too much set up, and the twist of the hunter being the one that created Alice was so juvenile. Because it is a book for teenagers.

You hear that, grown ass women who think Edward Cullen is a God? This book was written for teenagers. I have no problem if you want a light read. I really don't. Sometimes you just want something light hearted and entertaining. But when you cross over to this stage, you need to get a life. Yeah, I said it. Here is an excerpt from crazy town:

"In a way, Meyer has created the boyfriend we’d wish for our daughters and the cautious, responsible, gentlemanly son we’d be proud to call our own. Or, forgetting our age, she's created a character we wish could be our own love interest!"

Okay- Here is where I get to the serious stuff. Edward is not an amazing boyfriend. He is an abuser. Granted, we don't get to serious stuff until the last book (yes, I have heard about the sex scene), but there are so many red flags that it frighten me that girls think this is an ok relationship. Before you say I am overreacting, I would like you to take a look at something I became very familiar with in a college course that I not only took, but assisted in teaching for two semesters after. This is the wheel of violence.

Now, please allow me to show you the read flags that I found simply in the first book of the twilight series:
-playing mind games
-controlling what she does, who she sees, who she talks to (and follows up by eavesdropping!!)
-using jealousy to justify actions
-using male privilege (making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle")
-threatening to commit suicide
-making her do illegal things (or just lie to her dad and run away from home)
-blaming her (because she just can't seem to keep her little lamb ass out of danger)

Here is a pretty interesting article that I found that lines up personality traits of abusers with actions of Edward throughout the entire series. Since I haven't read the whole series, I will let you click through if you want some more back up. She even sites page numbers.

I don't even think I need to get into the other creepy things he does, like watching her sleep, smelling her, telling her he wants to eat her, allowing her to think for the first month that she was worthless and that he hated her.... that is all minor when you look at the big picture.

If you think I am being over dramatic, so be it. I just think that people should take a little more care in what their children are reading. After all, as a parent, it is up to you to teach your children love, respect and what constitutes a proper relationship.

And if you are just reading it for fun- by all means go ahead. I watch trashy reality shows, I can't judge you. I just hope you just take a moment to think about it from a different angle. That's all I ask.

Alright Twihards- let me have it!!!

An Open Lettter to Big Booty Girls

Dear Big Booty Girls,

On this casual Friday, I would like to take a moment to address a few concerns about proper wardrobe. As a big booty girl myself, I understand exactly what you are going through. However, some of you seem to think that you can follow fads, and make them work for you. Allow me to shed some light on this, and let you know how it really is.

Those skinny tapered jeans that the Emo kids wear are NOT FOR US. Anything that is tapered is a no-no. This goes for those old mom jeans that go up to your ribcage. No good. Both styles make you look wider/lumpier. A better fit would be boot cut.

However- for the boot cut, please look at a size BIGGER than the one you usually wear. This helps to prevent the over spill, sometimes known as "muffintop." It also helps to not wear the lowest rise... perhaps the one that hits just below/at your belly button is best. Believe me, it took me awhile to learn this lesson, and half of the University of Arizona saw my whale tail.

Color is an important thing to consider as well. White is not a good jeans color for anyone over a size 2, really. I don't know why they make them. They automatically add a minimum of ten, and maximum of 58 lbs. Also, jeans with intense whiskering, or extreme highlighting are not so great either. On one level, I think they just look trashy. But on a booty conscious level.... they don't work.

Please know, I am not by any means saying that big booties are bad. I have one. Have all my life. No matter how much weight I lose, the booty stays. What I am saying is cherish it. Highlight it. Make it the feature in a positive way!

Thank you for your time,

Ms. New Booty

love in an elevator

The title is a little misleading. Because I did not experience "love" in the elevator this morning... I experienced nausea from walking into a fart zone. I was coming back from a meeting off site and walked into the elevator as a dude made a quick exit. I now know why he was so quick to exit- he farted in there. This leads me to educate people on proper elevator ettiquette. Here goes:

- Obviously, don't fart in the elevator. Apparently some people need to be reminded.
- When you enter, create balance and space with the others in the elevator. There is nothing worse than two people in an elevator standing right next to you. Don't get all up in mah grill in an enclosed space.
- If you are towards the top floor, don't stand near the door. I work in a building with 30+ floors. I exit on the first floor of my elevator bank, yet am frequently pushed to the back corner so that people who exit on the last stop can stand up front. I then have to squeeze by them to exit. Which leads me to the next one....
-If you are stuck up front, and it isn't your floor- pop OUT to let people out. It is much nicer than squishing your ass into the person already squished in the corner. Simply keep your hand in front of the door, and it will stay open. That gives it the added bonus of people thinking you are a lady/gentleman, when really you are just trying to get back in.
-If the elevator is full, wait for the next one. This is a rule i follow based on an irrational fear from childhood. I used to read those "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" books. One time I read this story called Room for One More, and it haunts me to this day. Every time someone says that, I politely smile, say "no thanks," and wait for them to plummet to their deaths.
-If the button is lit, don't push it again. It doesn't make it go faster.

I could go on, but you get the idea. So, please, the next time you take an elevator ride, please think of the possibility of someone entering after you, and pinch that fart back.

interesting stuff for a Monday afternoon

Here are a few interesting things to take a look at, as you pretend to be busy and motivated on a Monday afternoon.

I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom . No- I didn't, actually. It is a line from a rap song. ;) Anyhow- some people got bust in a Taco Bell bathroom, and two little girls walked in on it. Apparently there were two women "servicing" two men, and "making funny noises." Okay, I would be irritated at my 5 and 11 year old daughter's walking in on that. BUT if it upset me enough to cry about it on a tv interview, I would have thought twice before REPEATING THE WHOLE STORY with the 5 year old SITTING ON MY LAP.

Unicorns exist. So, this old lady had a horn growing out of her head for 20 years before she got it surgically removed. At that point, why wouldn't you just join the circus? At least you could make some money while people laugh at you. How did her family let her keep that thing that long?!?!

Right.... evolution is bullshit... Look at this crazy hairless monkey, and tell me it doesn't look like my grandpa. I won't attach a picture of my grandpa (that would be insensitive), but you get the drift.

Speaking of old people, I could take on 32 in a fight. I have previously taken the quiz about taking on 5 year-olds. Taking on 90 year-olds sounds much more appealing.

Bet this guy will never eat wings again. Seems to me this guy was lucky he wasn't deep fried and battered in hot sauce. Perv.

Now get back to work.

Hi, I'm Marissa, and I am a TWD addict

I love places like Digg . And Stumble Upon. Basically because I can find interesting stories and links faster than my friends, with minimal effort, because someone has already done the research (Digg). As for Stumple Upon, I can find these things by hitting a buttton, and just having something pop into my face based on my pre-selected areas of interest : liberal politics, beer, satire, cooking, lolcats, etc. Then, I just have to hit "I Like It!" in my browser toolbar, and IT SAVES THE PAGE FOR ME. Try it. It is amazing. I gave you the link to my page, so that you can see all the lame shit that makes me happy. :)

THIS , I "digg" as well. If I actually created an account on Digg, I would give it a "thumbs up." I am a a person that TWD's. In case you are irritated taht I haven't explained the acronym, or were too lazy to open the article, it stands for "texting while driving." GASP. Yes, I am one of those assholes. I atleat try to respons at lights.... most of the time. Anyhow- those that live in Arizona know that it is slightly illegal, but not necessarily punishable unless you were caught doing something else. Kinda similar to the license plate cover law. But people in Maryland are taking it pretty seriously, and it is a misdemeanor.

I know better. I do. And there are people that I yell at on their cell phones that aren't paying attention to the road... so I am slightly hypocritical. You can ask my sisters and my mother though... I am getting better. Basically because it is harder on the Blackberry, and I can't one hand type any more. ;)