Idol Recap- Where My Girls At

Tonight, we get the ladies, because the Dirty Hippie Crystal is apparently back from the brink of death. Then the judges are stupid, and Kara has dumb hair.

The Dirty Hippie is up first, and she has a brother that is a "square." She references Simons comment last week about how he could hear that performance from 1,000s of people on a Subway platform, and he wouldn't stop, saying that people have in fact stopped to listen to her on a subway. Apparently we are doing a gospel show tonight. Some "see the light" performance. She has a nice voice- but that shit doesn't sell. Remember Ruben Studdard? Ellen talks about how she needs to stay healthy, because they NEED her on the show. Are we going to talk about what was wrong? because, seriously, she looks and sounds fine. Simon says he is glad that she didn't play the sympathy card (bc everyone else did for her), and says that he totally underestimated her. Then compares her with Kelly Clarkson. Cmon now.

Haeley Vaughn-"The Climb"Gums is now talking with Ryan about her EPIC fail last week with the Beatles song. This week, she will sing Miley Cyrus, because she is more her genre. Apparently she makes headbands. For the record, I actually like Miley Cyrus. Party in the USA is my JAM! This song, I hate. And this girl starts it nicely in the beginning... but then the chorus is a mess. Then the reprise... then... oh bollocks. A mess. YO Wow- Randy calls it excruciating. This is the only time that we will agree. Who is the hot dude sitting with her Grandma. He is labeled "friend." She is too young to have that hot of an older friend. Kara says that she needs to develop her talent more. Simon says in theory, it works but it was a "mess." The Leprechaun gets sassy with Simon, and protective of the little girl.

Lacey Brown-"Kiss Me"The red headed pixie that I swear just appeared out of nowhere apparently likes to paint. She BUTCHERED Landslide last week, and finally owns up to it. She is doing "Kiss Me" this week, pretending that she already had it planned, and it had nothing to do with Kara's suggestion. I am not sure i totally like her, and I think it might be because I am afraid she is a witch. There was one of them last season like that. Randy calls it karaoke. Ellen thinks it is adorable. And then I tuned out because I didn't care anymore. Sorry (to be said in Simon's unapologetic tone).

Katie Stevens-"Put Your Records On" Her being on TV makes it snow in Connecticut. She is supposed to be younger today, because we like our 17 year olds to be 17 YOs. She knows how to say "give me a kiss" in 7 languages. While we are thinking she is a skeezer, she assures us that she doesn't walk up to strangers and try to kiss them. This all seems very contrived. For the "record," (pun intended) this is not a "younger"song. She still has an incredible voice. The judges are frustrated with her because she isn't getting it and she has too much talent to be average. Kara makes a valid point that some songs sound great on to the radio, but lack performance spark. Simon tells her that she needs to show them what kind of performer she needs to be.

Didi Benami - "Lean On Me" She was the mascot in high school, and meows to warm up for performances. When she talks, she reminds me of Tenley from the Bachelor. I actually like her LESS with these video packages. I really like this version. People have really cheesed this out, and somehow hers is a little more genuine. Randy hates it. We disagree. Ellen loves her. She says that maybe a different Bill Withers would be good. Randy yes groans. Kara said it "wasn't good." Time the eff out. YOU PEOPLE SELECTED THESE TOP 24. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB. Maybe I have just listened to so much crap on this show, that I think this is good? How can I be this far off from the judges? As you see, I don't hold back when I hate something. She is so upset that she can't even talk. This is crap. EDIT- the clip they showed in the recap was annoying.

Michelle Delamor- "With Arms Wide Arm" She works with kids in church choir. Which is probably why she is singing this Creed song. Ew. I still hate this song, even without that douche Scott Stapp singing it. Because I HATE this.. especially her WEIRD head shaking at the end, I am sure the judges will love it. Because apparently we exist in different universes tonight. YO. He says her outfit is hot. But he hated it. Ellen loves the outfit too. When I think fashion- I think those two. Hip, happening and with it, for sure. Balls. Kara loves it because "it felt believable." Simon says he kind of agrees. The first half, yes- second half, gross. He said she got 80% of it right. Apparently Vera Wang is in the house. When is this over?

Lilly Scott- Gandolf the Grey performed, but I was on the phone. I am babysitting for my 3 and 6 year old cousins this weekend while their parents party it up Vegas style, so I got to get a little pep talk. I will blog about it, don't worry. I am sure it will be fun for you all to laugh at me being a mom for the weekend. They are really good kids, so I don't worry about them, I just worry that I will be able to keep up! Seemed like the judges liked her.

Katelyn Epperly -"The Scientist" She will be singing a very intimate song tonight, apparently. Why is she so 80's? She is singing some Coldplay. I don't really dig Coldplay. Send me hate mail if you want, but while your at it- yell at me for thinking U2 is overrated. Yes. I went there. Oh, this is a Coldplay song I actually kinda like. Minus a few rough spots, I like her version too. Props for her playing the piano. We had another curly haired blonde that played piano. I liked her better than this chick. Randy really liked it, until the last few notes. Ellen said she fell asleep. She loves the song, but it is too slow. "People can't vote if they're asleep." Kara says "I kind of love you." But she needs to figure out who she is because she is all over the place. Simon says it is a smart choice of song, and nearly identical to a Natasha Beddingfield version (that she says she is unaware of). She needs to worry about being too corny.

It is 833, and we have 2 more performers? How LONG is this show? Cut all the fluffy crap- keep it to an hour and a half, and let me live my life. Those of us that are too stubborn to DVR (long story, I'll tell you when you're older) can't make this big of a commitment.

Paige Miles -"Walk Away" This chick is boring. She likes to color, because it makes her relax. Yeah, me too. But when someone asks "what something interesting that people that people don't know about you?" that is not where I go. Because that is lame and nerdy. She is singing one of my least favorite songs from that Kelly Clarkson album. And she sounds like she is chocking a cat at the end. So forced and stupid. Yo YO YO Paige. She chose the song because Kara wrote it. Randy didn't like it because it is too many words. And he rambles about lameness that makes no sense... and da da da da das. Ellen loved it. Kara points out that the song isn't smiley- it is angry. Because she is telling the guy to go fuck himself. This girl is clueless. She colors and plays with barbie dolls. There is no base for comparison. "It's forgettable. Sorry."

Siobhan Magnus- "Freedom"Another girl that I really just can't stand. And I wasn't really watching the first part, because I was reading about what the author of Shutter Island thought about the minor change in the ending. Which, if you have read the book is a lot more hypothetical than a "declarative statement." Apparently watching the film without seeing the book made it much more subjective.... but I digress. Wow. I thought about paying attention again, and then this bitch came up and starting singing Freedom, so now I am purposely ignoring the television. Back to Shutter Island. I liked the book a lot. And the movie did a really good job with the storyline, but was missing a little background that made it less cheesy of a progression to the ending. Back to the weirdo- Randy loved it. And Simon says what everyone in America is thinking "you are such a weird person." She is pretty safe, considering the crapfest that ensued tonight.

It is a free for all on all which of these ass clowns go home. I'm too jaded to give an opinion. What do you think?

Idol Recap- The Boys are Back

I missed the first 4 minutes, and let's be honest- I'm sure I didn't miss much. Started just in time for the guts of the program. Tonight, the boys are back, and singing "billboard hits." Seems simple enough, right? Only 9 million songs to chose from. When they make the categories this broad, they are really just testing the intelligence of the contestant. Pick something too recent, and it's sing-a-long. Pick something too old, and it's dated, or karaoke. Let's see who messes up tonight.

Ryan informs us that tonight, we will try to get to know the contestants a little better. Great. Sappy montages. This is why frequently, we don't end up with the most talented artist, but the one with a great story. For the record, I don't care about the stories, so I won't get into them.

Michael Lynch- "Man's World." Surprise! He played football in High School. He addresses the comments from the judges, and specifically Simon's comment that he was the supporting act. He, of course, says he wants to be the MAIN EVENT in tonight's performance. Good goal, buddy. His performance is ok. Lots of "runs" and what have you. Randy, after three "yo's" gives him a standing o. New thing- tonight, I am drinking for every "yo." I apologize in advance for any incoherent rambling(well, more than usual) at the end of this post because of it. Ellen blah blah blah. Kara says she doesn't get it, until NOW. Really? Then why did you geek out for him and send him to the top 24? Simon loves it, and says it didn't seem dated. Apparently his wife is coming out Friday, if he is still in the competition... hint, hint, America.

John Park- "Gravity" Ryan asks him what his band thinks about this whole Idol thing. Apparently they want him to win. Uh, Ryan... ever heard of this band called "Daughtry?" Fun fact: his first language was Korean. Learned English in 4th grade. He knows his song choice was lame last week, so he is trying to pick a song more up his alley this week. Wow. Not in a good way. Lifeless. And scared. And flat. and whiny. And please send him home. This may be the only version of any song called "Gravity" that I haven't liked. 2 "yos." Randy- not as good as the original. Ellen-better song choice, needed more soul. Kara says better than last week. And they all say no connection. Simon says it was a "so what" performance. How does this guy front a band? Note- tomorrow, I might drink for each of Simon's insincere "sorry." Now it's a judge free for all, they all repeat the same thing, and you can hear the wrap up music playing in the back.

Casey James- "I Don't Wanna Be" Kind of a porn star name. He hasn't ever watched Idol. He found out the song that he's doing has been done by a plethora of losers. He hasn't had a tv most of his life. These people make no sense to me. There is a weird kind of thing where he is hiding something in a box, and it's odd. The only reason I mention it is because Ryan says "What's in the box??" Points Ryan, points. I might like Casey's version of this better than the original. He is back-lit with purple. Weird. He does, in fact "rip it up" on the guitar. Randy reminds everyone that he can play guitar. Remember, with Journey? It was HOT. Ellen thinks you can't go wrong with the song. She wants more performance, because he is too stiff. Kara references her cougarness, and then says he took two steps back, like MC Skat Kat. Simon says you can see this in any bar across America, a guy trying to play rockstar.

You're welcome.

Alex Lambert- "Everybody Knows" Mullet guy pukes before big performances. Just like Douglas Dorsey. Anyone, anyone?(first person to mention the reference below gets a gold star) Apparently this nerd made up a language in 6th grade to help him with song writing. His awkwardness is apparent, and this week, he is trying to appear more comfortable on stage. I have never heard this John Legend song, but I really like this. A lot. As in, if I actually downloaded songs from this program, I might consider copying a version that someone downloaded of this one. Randy loves the confidence, and the guitar (did you know he played?) and it was WAY LEGIT. Ellen says it is like someone put the unripe banana in a paper bag. Which is a compliment. Kara says he has an incredible recording voice. Simon said it was a million times better. He also gave this jem "the only reason you should be nervous is if you are useless. Simon says he needs to start playing to win, and he doesn't want to hear anymore about the nervous nonsense. Well-n the only person that I know that would download this song on my behalf just text messaged me and said "I'm not rooting for this kid." Not a fan of the mullet, apparently.

Todrick Hall"What's Love Got to Do With It?" This is the dancer guy that cheats families and children out of hard earned money. He can DIAF as far as I am concerned. Can't stand him. Annoying performance. The end. One YO. That's all I have to say about that.

Instead of this nonsense, I am going to bitch about the fact that girls night and guys night were switched because the dirty hippie is really sick. Since when do we rearrange schedules for finalists? What the hell? Who is she that she deserves an entire night moved around??Maybe if she showered regularly, she would be less prone to illness.

The guy henceforth referred to as "THIS FUCKING GUY"- "What's Going On?" I can't believe this guy is still here. What a douche bag. He tries AGAIN in his video package to pretend like he thinks the judges are there to help. Maybe drop the attitude with them then. Of COURSE he is singing Marvin Gaye. And messing it up royally. Why is he smiling and playing coy to the camera? Does he KNOW what this song is ABOUT???

"Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today"

None of that says bedroom eyes and shoulder shrugs. It's not THAT kind of "what's going on." Kara says exactly that. "We don't need every trick in every performance, we need one good trick." Simon says he makes the song lose its importance. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says "can i ask a question?--- what should I do next week? ya'll can pick." Simon says that he might not be here next week. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says, "I know God." Assholes like this PISS ME OFF. With your lack of talent, and disrespectful attitude, God is going to move Heaven and Earth to get you on Idol next week. Get the fuck over yourself. I think God might have some bigger action items right now.

Andrew Garcia -Apparently this guy is a break dancer? I really liked his performance last week, and the judges hated it. I missed the name of the song. And I don't know it. In case you were wondering, I don't really listen to top 40. Basically because most of it is crap. Oh, wait, I know this song. It's less annoying when he does it. Randy calls it "pitchy all over the place." And misses the guitar. Attention guys: Randy likes it when you use the guitar. Ellen liked it. Kara says they need another big surprise. Simon says that the fact that he hasn't picked the right song yet is a huge indicator that something is missing. He is disappointed.

Side note- as I am typing, I get a message that Kimberley Locke is now following me on twitter. Hey Kimberley, if you can hook me up to regularly blog about Idol, I would be more than willing. That is my America Dream. Well, blogging about tv for money in general. Shit, I'll blog about gardening if someone would pay me to work in my pjs.

Aaron Kelly- "My Girl" He likes photography. Just like every other 16 year old with a Myspace page. Hey kid, usually, it is a bad idea to pick a song that is frequently used for group day. And when you hold out every single off key note, it is really painful. If my roommate hadn't just taken the dog for a walk, he would be sitting by the tv howling. This is why 16 YO girls are more successful than 16 YO boys. Because the girls have gone through puberty. I think Randy had 4 yos. I am just gonna say that, because I'm thirsty. Ellen and Kara love it. Ugh. Simon brings up Justin Bieber (I looked it up to avoid being yelled at) and says some stuff that I tuned out.

Tim Urban (A song i don't know the name to) This is the kid that came back because another dude had an existing contract. And he stunk up the stage, and was saved because he has Zac Efron hair. Ryan doesn't tell me what the name of the song is, so I can't give it to you. I kinda recognize it. YO. Randy asks "how was that for you?" That normally means he "didn't get it." Ellen tells him to act. She then says if he were on Glee, and acted and then busted out singing, the girls would love him. THAT COMMENT PISSED ME OFF. The GLEE kids are INCREDIBLY talented. Do not even pretend like this kid is in the same realm as Lea Michele. (breathe, breathe, breathe) In case you didn't know, I am a huge GLEEk. Simon says that he thought it was a huge improvement, and this kid needs to now change his panties, because he just shit his pants. He should sell toothpaste. White teeth.

Lee Dewyze- "Lips of an Angel" He was a troubled youth, made bad decisions, and went to an alternative school. He's the "everyman" for this year. This guy has the perfect voice for this song, which is a piece of shit song. I really hate songs that are about cheating in an unapologetic fashion. Really, I hate them in an "apologetic" fashion as well. Hear that Jason Derulo? Saying that you "were caught up in someones lust- but when you become a star we'll be living so large you'll do anything for [me]" is shitty. And THAT is why I don't listen to top 40. The judges overall say they like him, but he needs to grow some balls and own a performance.

Wow, what a fantastic collection of crap. I hate these awkward dancing packages. My only hope is that tomorrow is as blogworthy as tonight.