1, 2 Freddy's Coming for You

You may have noticed there was no Idol blog last night. That's because I was at a pre-screening for the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Before I tell you all about it, I should let you know that no one is paying me for this review- I just like to pretend like I am cool because I saw it early.

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. My friends and I even created a scary movie CLUB, where we take notes and rate movies in 5 different categories on a scale of 1-5 bloody hatchets. Yeah, no one ever said I wasn't a huge dork. Anyway- the point of this ramble is that I was SUPER excited about the Nightmare remake. As a fan of the original, I can see that some would see this as another lame Hollywood excuse to bring back a successful franchise to turn a profit. Don't get me wrong, that is totally what this is. Still entertaining.

Here are the spoiler free bullet points:

- There's no nudity. Probably a good thing, since this version clearly paints Freddy as a child molester. Talking about that and then showing Katie Cassidy's boobs would be in poor taste.
- It's gory. Blood splatters, throat slitting, knives through the back. Not for the weak of stomach.
- It heavily relies on the "jump" factor. You know, where it's really quiet, except for the creepy music, and you're just WAITING for Freddy to jump out. The girl next to me nearly needed a medic by the end. If she had been eating popcorn, instead of a pretzel, I would still be pulling the kernels out of my bra.
- The movie is predictable. It isn't a frame by frame remake, like Psycho was. It is a "re imagination." There are a few similar characters, like Nancy. But her police dad is nowhere in sight and her mom isn't a boozer anymore. :/ That fake tan, feathered hair an pink lipstick was incredible. New mom is a pretty red head.
- The front end is really death heavy. Which is entertaining, but when Nancy is trying to figure out the "who, what, why" there aren't many people to talk to.
- Original Krueger was creepier. The makeup in this film is a lot more realistic, which I thought I would like. But it just doesn't hit the same part in your gut. You see him more as a victim than a monster. And as the boyf pointed out, his voiceovers where super cheesey, a la Christian Bales's super deep Batman voice.

So, if you go in knowing that this is just another horror remake, you won't be disappointed. Don't go in expecting Oscar worthy performances or non stop action.

For those that really want to know some spoiler shit, read below...







- Kellan Lutz is the first to die, in a Drew Barrymore Scream kind of way. His make up is outstanding, and probably the best "I haven't slept for days" look that the movie offers.
- 3/4 of the teens die within the first 45 minutes of the movie. Katie Cassidy's flinging about the bedroom death is about as good as the original. Of course, Thomas Dekker witnesses it, and is arrested for her murder in about 6 minutes. You know, how most homicides work. Thomas Dekker's jail cell death is gory and disgusting and awesome.
- Things get kind of boring for awhile, with emo "Nancy" (some actress I've never seen) talking to "Quentin" about her dreams. It takes way too long for them to realize they are having the same dreams, and way too long for them to realize there must be some connection.
- We find that the kids were all friends in preschool, and the parents decided to just hide that fact, send them to different elementary and middle schools and then have them meet up and magically become friends in High School. Because that is totally plausible. They keep them apart because they want to be sure that the kids didn't remember that the preschool gardener was a molester. Nancy believes it but Quentin doesn't.
- While Nancy goes to research, Quentin pretends it is all just coincidence and heads to swim practice. He then transports from swim practice to the past,via dream sequence, where he sees his dad as the ring leader of the "kill the beast" scene. They chase Freddy to an industrial area, and light him on fire. Then, of course, Quentin thinks maybe Freddy didn't molest kids, and the parents killed an innocent man. So, he is coming back in dreams and KILLING PEOPLE to prove he isn't a bad guy. Stupid.
- Of course, Nancy uses the internet to find all the other kids from preschool. Because this is the best search engine in the history of the world, the weird and wacky deaths of the other preschoolers are the top 5 results when she searches for them. Because there is only one "Kate Jones," and she went to Nancy's preschool. She even gets to watch one kid's death via web-cam on his blog. Because most videos you post online get up their entirely on their own by magic. So even after you're dead- they can post themselves. Quentin comes and tells her his dream, and they realize they must go "learn the truth" by visiting the old preschool.
- FF through a drug store scene and a hospital scene and we end up at the preschool. It's fenced off, and apparently not at all demolished since 1997. Just dust and cobwebs. In Arizona, that shit would have either become a holding place for illegal immigrants, or a meth house. Just sayin. They go to the basement, where Freddy has been leading them, and find the "cave" that their preschool selves told their parents is where the bad stuff happens. Nancy was his favorite, so of course all of her naked kid Polaroids are found in a box. Terrible. They then realize Freddy is a sick fuck, and was bringing them there to remember, since memories are the source of his power.
- Nancy wants to save the day, just like in the original, and Quentin is supposed to wake her up when she is struggling, so that she can bring Freddy out of her dream to kill him. That never made sense to me in the original, and it is even weaker of an answer in this one. Of course Quinten falls asleep and fails, getting heavily injured in the process. Nancy then has this whole 10 minute creepfest with Freddy, ending up in her room on her bed in a grown up version of her kid dress. Freddy then tells her that he kept her alive long enough to get totally delirious and sleep deprived so that when she fell asleep, it would be a coma forever. You know, so he could sexually assault her for days and she wouldn't wake up and leave dream land. That is the creepiest time for Freddy.
- While Nancy is struggling, Quentin of course wakes up and tries to wake up Nancy- with no success. He then remembers the Epinephrine he stole from the hospital, and Pulp Fictions her into consciousness. She brings Freddy out, slits his throat, and delivers the classic "you're in MY world now, bitch" line that is standard in every horror film. They then light the place on fire, which brings the fire dept and paramedics. Which they needed, because Quentin's crashed car wasn't gonna get them back home through the corn fields.
- Nancy is home, and safe. She is talking to her mom- who happens to be standing in front of a mirror. We see Freddy's reflection stabbing mom and grabbing her into dream world. Fin.

Of course there is a set up for part two. Not sure whether it will be in production before the 2nd Friday the 13th. Word is, Jared Padalecki is holding up that production- waiting for the offer that includes his own personal on set hairstylist to make sure the 70's butt part is perfect in every scene. Joke. But seriously, WTF is up with his hair?

So- moral of the story- gory, jumpy and an actual plot- slow moving as it may be. Death toll could have been a little higher, but that's just me. ;)

Idol Recap- On the 6

We begin with Ryan introducing the remaining contestants as though they were cast members of The Breakfast Club: the brain, the jock, the princess, the dirty hippie... you get the idea. Wanna know how the show can not run over? Cut the first three minutes.

Tonight's mentor is Shania Twain, and I dig her. I can't believe that troll of a husband cheated on her. How can you even LAND her when you look like this? Which is also the only professional photo that was ever taken of him, and shown on every mention.

Lee, The Painter, is up first and taking on "You're Still the One." He rocks it out in his own little way, and the judges love it. Tell him he's making some funny faces though, and Kara totally interrupts and yells over Simon. Because sometimes it just isn't worth it, he just says he is done talking. She appears genuinely surprised. Another way to save time? Turn off the judges mics when they are done talking.

Big Mike, The Father, is singing some ballad that I have never heard before. Shania tells him he could sing the phone book and love it, and Mike with his big ego glows and smiles. She tells him not to take it for granted, and he needs to sing with passion because that is what winners do. He made Shania cry, in a good way. This week, Randy says that he loves the R&B ballady stuff. Bet ya next week that he will tell him he needs to mix it up. Ellen called it Luther Vadrossy, which is a good thing. Kara talks about how Shania is a songwriter, blah blah blah. Simon says Ellen is on point with the Luther, but said the song was "wet," which causes all sorts of controversy.

Casey, The Construction Worker, had stool time with Ryan, and sang some song that seemed kinda familiar. I was busy drawing a map for my sister to pick up our cousins from daycare. Also made her feel my abs as I am in day 4 of level 2 in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Serious business. The judges loved it, best performance ever, blah blah.

Crystal Bowersox, The Mother, is singing "No One Needs To Know Right Now." Shania tells her to be more upbeat. Apparently she is singing it for her boyfriend. It's cute and happy. Randy said it wasn't his FAVORITE performance. It wasn't Ellen's either, but she uses the analogy that it is like choosing your favorite color of the rainbow. Kara, AGAIN, says that she agrees with "the guys." Apparently forgetting that Ellen is a girl. Again. Simon said it was like the performers in the coffee shop that are there, but you really don't want to see. Ryan tries to stir the pot, and asks for Crystal's response to the criticism. Then there is an awkward exchange with her boyfriend. Another minute that could be saved.

I'm not even going to talk about Aaron, because I am so over him. And apparently I have been getting his age wrong. He is 17. Is GLEE on yet?

Siobhan, The Glass Blower, is butchering "Any Man of Mine." Why would she EVER chose this song? And the outfit is terrible. She struggles through the song, and is having mic problems, ans Shania is grimacing. Then there is a very disjointed screeching at the end. Shania golf claps. Randy eats it up. Ellen- "way to pull the Shania Twain into the station." Lame. Kara says "guess who's baAAaack!" Simon said he liked the song, but the screeching sounded like she was giving birth.

Apparently the Fox Gods let Idol know that they aren't there bread and butter anymore, because they are ending just about on time. Well, at least the most on time in recent years.