I Popped My Rocky Horror Cherry

So, this weekend we went down to Tucson for my littlest sister's Family Weekend at the University of Arizona (BEAR DOWN). In putting the final plans together earlier in the week, I found out that my sister would get extra credit in her media arts class if she went to see the Midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Somehow, she forgot who I was for a moment, and was surprised by how excited I was to go. Not just go.... go in full costume. I'm a big drama geek- expect nothing less. The next couple days, we researched characters, got costumes together, and prepared ourselves for the fun. Everyone who had been to a shadow cast Rocky performance before told me it was awesome. For those that might be unfamiliar, let me take a step back. A shadow cast is when they play the film on the big screen, and then actors act it out with props and costumes on a stage in front of the screen. Over the past 30+ years, casts across the country have been putting together these shows for Rocky Horror, with the same fun interactive scenes played out: Throw rice at the wedding! Call Brad an asshole! Jump up and dance along! etc, etc. We looked up all these gags, and got ready for the participation.

On Saturday night, we spent three hours getting ready while watching the movie. We were excited to see other costumed attendees when we got to the movie theater. Marked with our "V" to signify that this was our first time (virgins), we headed into the theater. There was a little game before, an "initiation" of sorts to get the "virgins" good and prepared. After that, the movie was set to begin... I waited for instructions... maybe what to do during the movie... nothing. I figured we were good to have done our research, and all would just come to us as the movie was going on. I was completely wrong.

Before I discuss the negative aspects of the show, I will give the highlights. Magenta, Trixie/Columbia, Brad and Eddie: thank you for putting forth effort in both your costumes and performances. Most often, shadow cast members are responsible for their own costuming, and you all made every attention to detail imaginable. You knew the show, and your cues and you frequently helped others that had not done the same to prepare. Kudos to you, and you can ignore the rest of this post, because you are not included in it.

Alright- now for the constructive criticism. I have been to a shadow cast show before. I saw Repo! shadow cast performance for the film's director and co-writer/actor at Chandler Cinemas before it closed. :( The actors and crew really put on a great show. The audience was engaged and excited. Knowing a few of the actors involved, I know that the cast worked hard at their weekly rehearsals. I cannot say the same for this cast.

Most of the cast (minus the previously noted) seemed distracted and unsure of their cues. Their lines were shaky, and their movements hesitant. Costumes left a lot to be desired. I know that multiple costume changes get expensive. But if the four of us were able to get something together in just 4 days- I would expect someone interested enough in joining the CAST would make more effort. Tucson has some of the best thrift stores I have ever seen, and there are PLENTY of websites that help with costume tips and tricks. This was my favorite. I am not going to call out the other cast members individually, but I will say this: there is a difference between looking creepy/disconnected, and giving an apathetic performance, and, if you are going to look like a deer in headlights, try not to get high before the performance. Also- it is helpful if you give the same level of performance all throughout. If YOU'RE bored- imagine how we felt.

In preparing for the show, I was excited for the "audience interaction" with the props and yelling. NONE of it happened. We had rice in our bags for the wedding scene... nothing. We had water guns prepared for the rain scene... nothing. We were able to do the time warp....So, there's that. There was some yelling from the crowd. One guy- obviously assigned by the cast- was the ring leader. He seemed to be going through the motions, and was giving his canned speech with his cues, seeming almost bothered to do so. Another guy, a "friend if the cast" decided to help by yelling half of the same lines just about two beats behind the other guy. There wasn't a chance we were going to hear what was going on and understand it. Half the time, the cast seemed to feel overshadowed by them, and watched them instead of performing. And, coming from someone who swears like a fucking sailor... let me tell you this: using the word "fuck" multiple times in every sentence doesn't make you edgy... it makes you crude. There are plenty more jokes to be made, you don't have to hang out in the gutter. Yeah, there's a lot of sex in the movie. Yeah, there are gay people. Yes, gay guys fuck each other in the ass. I GET IT. Did you hear audience 's laughter towards the end? No? Nothing? Yeah, it's because they had become totally disengaged. We ended up leaving just before the show ended, as we had gotten totally irritated by the entire production.

I get that you all have a bunch of fun together, hanging out, "practicing" etc. But, at some point, you have to realize that there are other people in the audience that paid to see a show, not two hours of your inside jokes. I have wanted to see a Rocky Horror Shadow Cast ever since I knew it existed. I was so looking forward to it, and told everyone I knew that I was going. When it was a disappointment, I was really sad. I WANTED it to be great. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

I hope that with this post, I can prevent someone else from having a bad Rocky experience. I hope that the cast and crew can realize that people do want to see a good show, and I hope that this motivates them to get it together.

I want to see a real shadow cast production. Has anyone seen it now that it has moved from Chandler Cinemas to the theater on Mill Ave? I want to sew up my Rocky Horror hymen and get it popped for real.

For those that want to see, here is me:

I made the sequined glove in the backseat while we drove from Phx to Tucson.
Also- I decided I wasn't ready to wear just my underwear in public.

I'll be right baaaaack

So, let's forget the fact that I didn't blog for almost a month. I'm sorry.

After seeing Paranormal Activity this weekend, and STILL being creeped out by it while at work TODAY, I decided to lay out all my fears that have been caused by scary movies and stories. Mind you, I love scary movies. I am even the President of a, minorly inactive, Scary Movie Club. But, it still doesn't mean I don't get freaked out.

I have been debating on how to lay this out--- so let's go chronologically.

Growing up, we always watched horror movies. Loved them. I remember one summer night at about 7, my sister and I begged my dad to tell us a scary story. Can't really tell you the details, other than in the story, a monster grabbed the feet off of children that let their limbs hang off the bed. To this day, I keep all limbs ON the bed, and about 5 years ago was when I stopped JUMPING out of bed to avoid being grabbed. Thank you very much, Pop. I think that incident is why I HAVE to pull up my feet when I am scared. All of my neuroses can be traced back, I swear.

I think I can thank Child's Play for my fear of dolls. Well, that and the Twilight Zone episode with the ventriloquist dummy. Another set of films I can blame my dad for showing me. I remember being in bed the night my mom gave birth to my littlest sister, and seeing Chucky in my curtains. To this day, it freaks me out to put my back up against the driver seat ( I think he stabs someone through the seat in #2- YES, I went back for more).

I can't blame my dad for all of this. I brought a great deal on myself, reading all of the Fear Street books, as well as Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. The one that sticks with me the most was the "there's room for one more." I swear I may have linked it in a previous blog. Anyway, it is about 7 paragraphs long, so go for it. The basic story, is this guy has a dream where a man in a hearse drives up and says- "there's room for one more." The next day, the guy goes to get into a full elevator, and the SAME GUY from the dream says to him "there;s room for one more." He declines and, spoiler alert: the elevator plummets to the ground and kills everyone on board. I get on an elevator a minimum of 4 times a work day. I never get on when it is full, and i jump off if anyone says "there's room for one more. "

You know those kids that would say "bloody mary" or candyman into the mirror? Not me. Ever. Never ever ever. Because the Candyman makes me cry. Seriously, I cried during Final Destination because that scary fucker was the coroner. Anyway, I have convulsions when anyone around me even STARTS the Candyman chant. Note: this is not an open invitation to do this around me--- if you do, it is an open invitation for me to kick you in the balls/uterus. I am tougher than I was as a kid.

The scariest Steven King movie ever was the made for tv version of "The Shining." I know that it follows the book a LOT better than the Jack Nicholson movie. Of course, I can only guarantee that of the first 400 pages, because after two years of reading it- I am still not done, too scared. At least I keep it out of the freezer (15 pts to whomever gets the reference). Anyhow... because of that movie, I always open the shower curtain when I am scared. That way, I know that when I go into the bathroom at night, a partially decayed hag won't try to kiss me. Also- because of that movie, long hotel hallways CREEP me out.

I can blame the Scream series for a lot. Including my fear of looking into a backyard at night with a pool glowing (kinda sucks when you live in Phoenix), and my fear of large public restrooms. I am waiting for a killer to be hiding on a toilet, or in the next stall. Makes it really fun to go to the bathroom AT the movie theater around scary movie time. I also can't say that I will "be right back." Because---- what if I am just ASKING the killer to come for me?

Because of the movie Urban Legend, I have to check the backseat of my car 46 times before I get in. AND don't even get me started on the flip out that ensues if "Total Eclipse of the Heart" comes on.

I saw The Ring in college with a sorority sister. Four days later, we both got nose bleeds. We decided to go somewhere public on the 7th day, so that the creepy well girl would have to attack us with a large group around. Don't know what was more awkward, the fact that we ACTUALLY believed that was a good plan, or the fact that it was a kinda set up date with me and this kid I used to be in love with in HS. That movie also make it hard for me to go into any room where the tv is fuzzy, or the lights are flickering. Shortly after seeing the film, I was peeing in the back stall of the sorority house bathroom, and the lights started to flicker and the radio was losing reception... I nearly ran out with my panties around my ankles.

After Paranormal Activity, I will never again think "stupid a/c" when my roommate's bedroom door slams unexpectedly. I will now run out of the house thinking it is a demon. I'm not giving anything away, I promise. Also- the next time I wake up randomly at 2:43am, 3:15 am and again at 4:06 am..... I am gonna call in a demonologist. Also- go see it. It will be worth your $9.50.

Any recommendations on a film that will give me another crazy quirk?

More to Love- Finale

So- I'm a little pissed about this two hour bullshit- because it means I have to switch back and forth with 90210. No, I don't DVR- I am stubborn. I won't get into it.

We go brief again.... Luke brings the girls home. Tali gets to meet dad, uncle and gma first. They have big concern because she is Jewish. As she is getting grilled, she holds her own, and when dad really starts to push it, Luke steps in. Sweet move, and I think they are really cute together.

Now the whore, Malissa hangs out with him. and schools him on pool. He should read into this that she is only just competitive, and doesn't really want HIM, she just wants to win a reality competition. She sucks. Her meeting is standard, nothing special. BUT the family buys her bullshit, and calls her the missing piece. He says "the family makes sense, but sometimes love doesn't make sense." His kisses are closed lipped now.... I think he is pulling back.

(turned it to 90 just in time to watch some serious drama with an interview with Teddy, and Annie begging for Naomi to not show her sextext)

Also- in case you missed it- Glee is awesome. Freaking awesome.

The girls get to hang out together at the house, and LUKE's MOM SHOWS UP!!!

Malissa starts to suck up immediately. And rambles... and rambles.... and Tali and mom just stare. And Malissa realizes she can't play her like that. And Tali has an actual conversation with her, and Malissa is not excited and makes a big show about fixing breakfast. And luke's mom hates malissa. this is hilarious. Tali is totally impressing mom, and speaking genuinely... and Malissa made mom roll her eyes.

(turned to 90 in time to see a break up, and a cgi punch to a glass door)

Faith (luke's mom) pulls tali aside for some chit chat time. And it is awesome.

Then there is the forced one on one time with Malissa. And she babbles. She said it is too premature to consider her as a daughter in law. Luke has a chat with Mom, and Tali passes. And she won;t even really talk about Malissa. Hahahaha.

The laides get one on one dates again. And Tali is stunning. Luke needs to iron his jacket. They are sweet. And they have a good convo about the mom... and she tells him she would move to california. oooooooh. then she brings up malissa... and then saves it a little by saying that she can only hope and trust that they are strong enough to make it. OH MY GOD. She says I love you!!!!! And he says I LOVE YOU TOO!!!! And then they make out!!!!!!!!!! They are giddy. :D They totally just made me "awwwwww."

Now it's the whore's turn. She tells him at dinner that she is really nervous. and silence... and then he says to tell him what's in her heart... and she says she is scared because she doesn't want to know she is wrong about how she is feeling. I don;t think he believes her when she says she wants to be like his grandparents and be marries 52 years. But he gives her a little peck, to make it seem like he actually has a decision to make. She says " i do love you." and he says "i l love you too, you are very special to me." gross.

Luke is picking out an engagement ring. HE picks one out for both of them. The girls get pampered. Let's just get there.

Tali is absolutely beautiful. Oh My Lanta. Malissa is in fuchsia. Wow... we have a light up walkway over the swimming pool. Quite the set decoration... he mentions break up... and up pulls.... Malissa. Please. Please. Please. Please. She talks about unconditional love... blah blah. She matches the decorations really well. She is struggling, and has to say something. He talks about their instant attraction, and talks about how much they have in common and how right for each other they could be. She is beautiful, and she is adventurous... and he loves her.... for who she is. BUT ( GRIN) his heart belongs to somebody else!!!!!! She looks pissed. Like someone took away her doll. And she looks at the ring... and he says he didn't want to hurt her, and it is painful, but he has to let her go. all she can say is "everything felt so right. I can't believe I was so wrong." She says she just wants to go. He walks her out..... Hugs. And the whore gets in the limo. Deep sigh from Luke (don;t worry you dodged a bullet). She isn't even crying.... just listing why it was so right. Lame. HAHA "what makes her better than me?" THAT right there!!! You don;t even love him, you just want to win. Now she finally cries. And is giving the standards script. Such a faker.

He is talking about Tali, and says that he feels like they can change the world together. :) She looks like an angel..... He gives her this thing about two different worlds, and they would have obstacles... and he says that in the beginning he made a promise to love her for who she is, and he does. With all his heart. And she promised the same, and she does. And she makes him a better man... and then.... ring. knee.... she can';t breathe. he says "i want you to be my wife. will you marry me?" (dramatic pause) breathy "yes. i love you." Smoochie smoochie sweet.

:D

More to Love- Goes Hawaiian

Alright, I am going BRIEF on this.

- They arrive and have an awkward Luau dance. All the girls share their insecurities with the camera.

-Individual date with Malissa. He loves their physical connection, but wonders about her level of commitment. They play with seals, and have a heart to heart picnic. She gives him some bullshit that she just wants to spend time with him, it doesn't matter what they do. They have a dinner date, and she is SO scripted. He wants honesty. Ha! She gets REALLY defensive when he says that he isn't her normal type. He thinks she is gonna break his heart, and he is totally right. She just wants to win. AND she agrees to have dessert at HIS place. Vomit. Are moaning noises really necessary?

-Now his one on one with Tali. They go sailing, as she is freaked out... even though she is in the Navy. She then freaks out bc he had planned to go snorkeling. Because being in the water is her biggest fear. But she goes in, bc love heals all. Gross. I really want some cake. I have been craving cake for a few weeks. Chocolate with whipped cream frosting sounds good. Sweet sappy dinner, and they are in love. HE asks if they can go to his room and snuggle. :) Haha, she is totally giddy. They're cute. Officially. and get in the hot tub.....

-Mandy;s turn. Apparently she is at the top of is list, but is the most guarded. They have a date where they eat fruit, and she bitches about him dating other girls. Then they get in the limp and go to dinner on a boat. He asks her if she could see herself being married to him, and of course she says "yeah." And then they eat each others faces in a kiss. She says "can you see it?" and he answers yes. And then they make out, and he asks her to stay the night on the boat with him to watch the stars. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After the commercial he will have to make his "toughest decision yet."

I ignored the bs conversation they have every week. The two left go to meet his family. Tali- good. I like them. Malissa is sweating. I don't believe a thing she says. But he chooses her anyway.
Do we really need Emme as a host? Mandy is crying. He feels terrible. She won't even look at him. She cries in the limo. She thought he was the one.

If he picks Malissa next week, he deserves the shit he gets.

More to Love- Meet the Parents

Gosh, Tuesday at 8 comes fast. I have been rocking and rolling today working on Halloween/Futuristic costume party outfits/logistics, and to be honest, I really don't want to be torn away for this..... OH WAIT! My friend came up with a drinking game!!!

Her game from last week:

*Every time someone cries
*Every time someone says they "had a connection"
*Every time Luke makes out with someone
*Luke refers to liking "big"/"curvy" women
*Girls complain about dating, how the guys always thought they were fat
*Every time the camera shows them eating
*Every time one of the girls says she is "falling in love"
*Every time food is shown
Play along if you want... thank Melissa later.

Tali gets a one on one with a "race to the finish line!!" She always looks really put together. I like her. He says she's really serious, so he is taking her go kart racing to get the fun out. So, SURPRISE!! Her aunt and uncle show up. Her uncle and her seem really close... like, in a creepy way. Now there is a discussion about religion and class structures in Israel. Uncle questions whether her family would even accept him. Wow.

Back at the house. Mandy gets mail and acts like a spaz. "Here's to a CALM night." malissa says mandy is too hyperactive for Luke. Ha.

Tali and her aunt chit chat, and the bald white guy uncle tells him what it's like trying to be accepted into the family. It freaks Luke out. Because who really wants to get this serious after a week? Because that is pretty much what this is in real time.

Tali comes back, and the other girls grill Mandy while she is getting ready. Especially Malissa. Mandy tells her to STFU. Finally. She cries, and Malissa laughs. Because she is a malicious bitch. She sees Luke and is "rejoyed" with happiness. Is that a word? They get out of the car, and she is immediately greeted by her parents. So much for alone time, eh? He loves her parents. We also learn that Luke's dad is a butcher.

Back at the house, Malissa is trying to figure it out... what is a "CALM" evening. Oy... who cares? Tali gives an explanation of self control.

Back to the date. Her mom says that she is confident, but sensitive. Like, cry in the bathroom and slam doors sensitive. He asks if she is ready to settle down, and her mom says (pause) (pause) that she is ready for a serious relationship, but isn't running to the alter. Apparently she is ready, and is irritated that her parents tried to say they should get to know each other.

Anna you "strike me as a girl that likes to have fun." So they are going bowling. Ew... they are all pervy on their meet up. Her shirt is open in the back. Whuh? Apparently she is an amazing bowler, because she used to do that instead of go to the pool. The sexual tension makes me uncomfortable.

Back at the house.... Malissa "I've gotten a little taste of alone time with you, and I am rady to try some more.... " Gross.

Back to bowling. Hey, Luke- throw a little softer. Don't break the lane. She wins... and goes full girl mode when her parents show up. Her dad has a FUPA. Luke gets grilled, but totally handles it. He is ready to get married. Where are these guys? Ha. I guess she has to travel a lot for work, and they get scared that Luke can't handle that.

Oops... forgot the show was starting again... missed part of Malissa... they are tasting food and wine blindfolded, and he brings in her sisters. Her blonde sister is trashy. Gross. They look nothing alike. And they are bitchy. Apparently they have gone through a lot, and mom died when they were young. Her bitchier sister asks if he is a cheater.... I think Luke is getting offended at how they are talking to her. OH! Apparently the bitch sister has a 4 year old, and she never babysits. Holy shit. This is a train wreck. He asks what they would think if he proposed. The nice sister saves the day. They look nothing alike.

She can't wait to get home to tell the other girls that he asked the proposal question. Hahaha. Awesome. The other girls freak out.

Catty catty catty at the mixer. Alone time with Tali. She asks what she talked to her uncle about, and she rolls her eyes. She says that it won't be that big of a deal, because she has talked to her parents about it. Right. Malissa and Anna have bonded, as they think they are the final two. Anna and Luke have a serious conversation about whether her modeling career and a serious relationship can work. Mandy is totally insecure, and shows it. She HAS to ask about the proposal question. He says he was just trying to gauge what they were really thinking. Mandy appreciates the assurance. He says Mandy may be clingy or needy. OR maybe she doesn't want to think about her dude wanting to marry another chick. Malissa and Luke hang out... and of course he brings up the babysitting. She kinda dances around and tells him what he wants to hear. He is on to her... time for the rings...

Blah blah, meeting your families gives me a glimpse into the future, starting a family.. blah blah. The girls still ponder what they have been pondering the whole time. Malissa is in. Tali is in... I lay money on Anna for the last ring.... OH SNAP. Mandy!!!! Anna is not pleased. He asks to walk her out... he thinks that she isn't ready for a relationship. He tells her that it is hard to see what it would be like being together. She whines... holds back the tears. She of course says the whole experience was great... blah blah. And she breaks. Cmon. what kind of model wear pink lipstick with a red dress.

AND TRAVEL DATE to somewhere I didn't catch because they were screaming.. oh Hawaii.

More to Love- sexy 6 down to 4

So, I have decided that if tonight's episode sucks, I am over this show. Let's see how it goes!

First- I am so glad I don't watch Hell's Kitchen. What a piece of shit show. If I wanted to hear an hour of yelling, I would watch political TV.

So, I think all the girls that are left have made out with Luke. I am glad he got rid of Lauren and Melissa. Those chicks bugged me hard core.

Why is it necessary to have clips of them eating? We get it. Mandy and Kristian are apparently going dancing. Kristian wished that Mandy breaks an ankle. These ladies were chosen because they are the best dancers in the house, as witnessed by the prom episode. Mandy has a pretty dress, but needs to wear a bra. Seriously. Kristian has quoted two movies in the last monute: "I've got moves you've never seen." My Best Friend's Wedding- and "it looks like two pigs wrestling uner a blanket."- Steel Magnolias. Apparently she is a Julia Roberts fan. They dance.

Back out the house, the four other girls make cupcakes and cards.

Back at the date- one on one time, and Kristian goes first. Luke has his shirt opened way to far, and has his collar popped up. Ew. Dirty dancing. She is "so in love!!" Yes, because that can happen when he is dating other women. Oooooh. Mandy sees their kiss and gets pissed. Hello, welcome to dating on a reality show.

Mandy wipes up her slobbery tears and goes on her one on one. She tells him that she is starting to shut down based on the circumstance. You know, like a normal person when they know that the person they like is dating someone else.

The remaining date is an adventure one on one date with Malissa. You know, the first one he made out with? The one that disappeared for awhile. And now begins the whining... Helicopter date!! Okay, side bar- how many of you have actually BEEN on a helicopter date? I know that I haven't. The way these reality shows do it, you would think it is standard protocol for date 5. They go to a vineyard to eat (duh- cuz they're heavy, get it?) and to drink. Their conversation is kinda lame, but they are feeling a connection.

Back at the house. Another letter that Kristian has found. Anna, Heather and Tali are "digging in" to another date. Theyu need to be ready for fun in the sun, aka... the beach. Tali is pissed bcause it is another date in a bathing suit. It is pretty lame. I would be pissed.

Back to thte date- picnic make out. She says she has always been curvier, but I remember and episode when Kristian called her out for not always being curvy. Hmmm. Me thinks her and Luke are lying..... and they will end up together and start a new show where they lose weight.

The next part of their date- the tandem bike. How dorky. Why are there random zebras on the vineyard? And... he broke the bike. And it is still the best date of her life. Of course.

The other girls are really jealous. Especially Anna, who, btw should not appear on camera withour makeup. And Malissa is in love, and Kristian is dying and questioning the love, because obviously she is the only one that loves him. She gets all self pity in the hot tub. And Heather feels bad because she isn't in love. Because most people don't after the first month. And the dramatic music comes in.

Beach date... ew. ew. ew. He just said maybe I can take my shirt off, and you guys can rub on me and rub some stuff in. Slapping some oil on me... I am so uncomfortable. He walks on the beach with Tali, who talks about how she is jealous, because the other girls are further ahead. She has a super cute cover up. He looks at her like he wants to eat her fce. Weird. He is so weird and creepy and slimy.

Back at the house. FYI- "romantical" is not a word, Kristian. And she is nasueous. Maybe she is carrying a miracle baby created through their love.

Back at the date- Anna is on the boat with him, and is talking about how all the girls are in love. Luke sees fireworks with them. I don't. Now he has alone time with Heather who ALSO complains about him seeing other girls. Heather is losing her grip on him, because he doesn't like her insecurity. Because at the end of the day, he isn't looking for a good friend, he is looking for a wife.

Time for the Mixer. He asks Mandy about a difficult time in her life. She had an eating disorder in highs school. They talk about how she is confident and confortable, and Kristian is creeping and analyzing their body language. Heather is stresssssssssing out. She has a chance to redeem herself on her one on one and tells him crying that she wants to stay around. He says he loves who she is.. blah blah, he really just looked freaked out. Anna is IN HIS FACE. Kristian is planning on telling him she loves him. And does it in three languages.... and makes hims guess. And she says she is falling deeply in love. And he breathes heavy and looks down. Always a good sign. It "touches his heart," and thanks her for opening up to him. She kinda lies a little bit to Tali about what his response was... Tali freaks out. She goes to get the dish from him, and confronts him. He tells her not to listen to the girls in the house, to listen to HIM and her heart. Vom. Now he says he has to break some hearts.

Elimination. Two are gone. (insert cliche about making the right decision) Kristian has lost he damn mind, and I am over her. Anna. Good Lord, she is TALL. Malissa. I am nervous that Heather is going to explode. Mandy. Tali has a death glare. One ring left... tali, heather and kristian are left.... he gives it to Tali. Holy SHIT. This is gonna get UGLY. Heather hugs him and cries, but still feels confident. He taught her to spread her wings.. vom. How embarrassing this is for Kristian, who says that she loves him, and she wishes him the best. He breathes heavily and walks out after her. She sobs into his suit. He says that he wants what is best for her, and that it isn't him. Because he is a slime.OMG. She is doing the gasping sob. Oh my. She hopes it wasn't her weight, because she is the biggest in the house. I can tell you that I am sure it wasn't your weight. It was more about you being a fucking psycho stalker.

Next week: all four girls get a one on one and their parents are there. And he asks Malissa's sister: "what would you do if i proposed to your sister." Okay. I'm in for another week. DARN YOU FOX!!!

Dear Heidi Montag, You Suck. Love, America

There are plenty of people that are famous that should not be. I can't change this. BUT I can question why millions of Americans continue to feed into the system. Heidi Montag sucks. She has no talent, and has changed her features through so much plastic surgery that I know longer consider her to be an attractive human being. Her "husband" is a blatant media whore, and did I mention she has no talent? Please, someone tell me how she got this gig?



Not that the Miss Universe is such a huge gig, but seriously. Dennis Richards is a better dancer. Also, Heidi- Britney's ass looked better in those pants when she wore them in 2000. Side note: Britney actually CAN dance. Singing ability is irrelevant to this conversation, as both are studio creations. DO NOT BUY her album. DO NOT BUY a magazine cover with her on it. INCLUDING that piece of crap Playboy shoot she did. STOP FEEDING THE BEAST. LET HER VANISH FROM THIS EARTH. Just like Corey Feldman.

More to Love- Now I know How Joel McHale Feels

YES! I love the episodes where the girls have to judge each other, and point out each other's flaws. :) In this show, they flip a paddle to signify "good wife" and "bad wife."

Kristian- apparently she is crazy and doesn't keep her cool. Duh.
Heather- Good wife, bubbly, fun and huge heart. Why is Malissa being nice? Lauren points out that it isn't about how nice people are, and takes it to the bitch level. :) Because apparently being kind to others is not as important as it is to be able to cook dinner.
That one girl- irrlevant.
Malissa- high maintenance.
Lauren- vulgar. haha.
Mel B.- get ready for the waterworks. you can tell because of the way the music changes. Bad wife. immature. needs more life experience. and voted the worst wife... girl. you are 21. get over it. you are not going to meet the love of your life on a reality show.

heather and mel b get alone dates. lauren is pissed because she has no alone time. because she is a bitch.

Mel B's date---she is so awkward. he needs a lady with confidence, he says... and she asked what he thinks about her... and he runs around the bush. and after a flash to the house, they have belly dancers arrive to the date. good Lord Mel b. get over it. grow a backbone. try some self affirmations. this girl needs a babysitter. she's out.

Heather gets to go somewhere with a ballgown... don't know where. I missed it. (stuff stuff stuff)
Now she gets drilled on what kind of mom she is gonna be. And he says... there is something i need to tell you.. it is weighing on me.. "i have three kids." cricket. cricket. he laughs. He just wanted to break the ice. And now he talks about how he is basically saving her life with his awesomeness. Wow, it must be amazing to be able to make so many people's lives now worth living. I need to meet him so that I can find my purpose in life. VOM. This guy has such a huge ego, it is gross.

OMG IT's MILEY!

Group date... the girls are talking about french kissing him. :) And, they are at a spa. And have to get a robe on and meet by the pool. what is the deal with him wanting them naked all the time. Malissa and him get a little bathroom hot tub action with her tiggo bitties (boyf says _ you notice that they cover his bitch tits with bubbles) popping out. All the girls are jealous. And Lauren asks if they french kissed. And Mandy cries. Guess what. You are on a reality dating show!!!! There is a girl on here who's name i don't know. Because she is irrelevant. OMG IF FOX PUT FOOTAGE OF ME PULLING MY BATHING SUIT OUT OF MY ASS I WOULD SUE. Oh yeah, Mandy gets alone time. She is gonna cry and get whiny. He wants to make out with her... because he is a perv. Apparently, it "did something to [his] heart." Yeah, the heart in his penis. Lauren gets alone time, while the others play with guacamole... and then Luke hears the fun and ditches Lauren. This is so turtles.

It's mixer time. Lauren gets some alone time.... he totally calls her out for being competitive. Mel B is spying. Umm. Mandy is not big. Like, maybe a size 10 on a bloated day. What the hell? They have a weird moment where he feels like he is hiding something. TWICE NOW, Mel B has said "so do you" in response to "you look beautiful." Um, guys are handsome. And he has changed her life, and she is in love. Anna looks like HELL with no makeup.

Here it is.... ooh. Emme says they could be one step closer to leaving with "their potential husband." Ha. Standard.. this is so hard... jerk, jerk... so close... Heather. i think she may be my new fave. Tali... lets back off on the lipstick. Malissa A. (he played a fun game where he paused, so they had to hear thelast initial). Mandy. Kristian. She is all smiles. Ok, one more... and these girls are nuts. Anna. hahahaha.

Lauren- basically laughs at him. FYI- he didn't choose you because a) you;re psycho. b) you have a boob tat. Mel B.- learn to love yourself. In a few ways. The other girls giggle when she leaves. Sad.

Next week---- drama with the sexy six. They better make this less predicatble. I'm bored.

Monday, Monday- can't trust that day...

I was signing in to put up a typical post, bitching about whatever- and I realized this is my 60th post. I feel a little pressure to have this be special... so, when I bitch, I will try to be funny and insert interesting anecdotes. You know, just like Denis Leary (yes, it is one n).

Things that have driven me crazy over the last month:

- When people are late to a meeting/date by more than ten minutes. Even if you let me know you are going to be late, if you do it regularly, I assume you don't value my time. Learn how to schedule better.

- The fact that people think they are ACTUAL FRIENDS with celebrities when they follow them on Twitter. I nearly shit myself when Adam Richman tweeted me back, but I have a clear understanding that we don't actually know each other, and I don't hold him to some weird standard of friendship (like some weirdo creepers on his page do).

- While we are on the subject of Twitter- just because you can put 140 characters up every minute doesn't mean what you have to say is relevant. Anyone can type into a box. Monkeys can do that. Is this person even using English?

-Loud talkers. YOU ARE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I CAN HEAR YOU WITHOUT YOU YELLING. IT IS CALLED AN INSIDE VOICE FOR A REASON.

-Old people that curse the internet/cell phones/email. I am sure that those wretched automobiles took a little while to get used to as well. But, c'mon. This cursed internet thing isn't going away anytime soon. Either get on board, or STFU. Larry King does it.

- Crappy protest signs. If you want people to think you are legitimate, take the time to : spell check, use a ruler, try a marker.

-The media. Lame reports on shit that isn't news. Kate Gosselin is not news. You know what else isn't news? Taking sound bits from crazy people that just want to stir shit up. Or basically just saying whatever you want to get viewers.

- While we are on lame sound bits- anyone who doesn't actually know anything they are talking about when it comes to politics and world events can STFU. Don't care if you are red or blue, if your statement comes from the land of bullshit, I don't want to hear it.

- Unprofessional relationships with your boss. There is really no reason to be text messaging your boss past 8 pm any day of the work week and anytime that is not between noon and 5 on the weekend (if your job requires that). Especially if your boss is of the opposite sex. Since when is that acceptable behavior?

- People who are never happy. Granted, I bitched this whole post. But, I am a happy person otherwise. I have friends that I adore, a family I couldn't live without, a boyfriend that makes me laugh, and a job that keeps me entertained(with fun co-workers to boot!) All those thongs things are what help me get my head back in the game after a rough day. If every day is a bad day, and nothing makes you happy- figure some shit out, because life could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

AHHHHH! Kelly Clarkson

First, let me tell you that I think Kelly Clarkson is amazing. Second, let me tell you that I think he positive body image is admirable; I only wish I could appreciate myself as much as she does. Third, let me tell you that SELF magazine is a piece of shit publication. Apparently in their “Total Body Confidence Issue,”they decided to insert an article about Kelly Clarkson loving herself, but then delete a major portion of her body for the cover, via airbrushing.

What kind of message does this send? You can love your body, but we need you to be hotter to sell magazines? That is what I read into it, and I am sure I am not alone.

Photoshop is a great invention. Smooth out some lines, brush away cellulite- yeah, I get it- no one REALLY looks like that. But when you alter a person's picture to drop them 3 dress sizes, that is absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible. If you don't like the way she looks, find somebody else to put on the cover. I am sure Jennifer Love Hewitt would love some publicity. Or some work. Or just someone to give her the attention she is so desperate for.