July 28, 2009

More to Love- My Next Application for TWOP

SO- since I am not always the most regular blogger, and I know you miss me, I thought I would try to blog about a tv show again, and bring some of my loyal readers back. This time, a suggestion from a co-worker really hit the spot. More to Love, aka The Bachelor for the Big Boned. Crying crazy girls? Always good tv, no mater what size. So- here goes.

I just barely caught the beginning. I was TRYING again to keep reading this book I am trying to finish, and fell asleep AGAIN. That is a blog for another day. More to Love starts like the basic Bachelor show, meeting the Bachelor who pretends to be more modest than he is. And he tries to say he "just needs love." I believe him as much as I believed Andrew Firestone.

We obviously need a host, and the guy from the Bach isn't allowed. So, we get Emme- wasn't she on a reality show? I swear she was. Or maybe on at MTV special. Years of reality television has really done a number on my memory. Anyhow, she is a well known plus size model, and I bet her and the ANTM cycle 10 winner were the major runners fore the gig. Liv Tyler's sister is too edgy for this.

No type? All women are beautiful. Same shit the bachelor says. So, here comes the first limo... Gooo! Boobs. Melissa with the double E's. Christina starts the whining. Heather is crying in the first 5 seconds. She is gonna be fun. Cute dress. Punk rock princess Bonnie, who wants to bake a pie and be a wife. Amanda Awkward- never had a boyf. Michelle the California girl. a crier too. Shit, 8 minutes in, and half have cried. She talks about enjoying life. But she cries. I am confused.

SUPER Quick commercial- next limo. Pale girl Anna who is intensely tall. And he TOTALLY scans her ass. And I like her the best' as she quotes Pat Benetar "love is a battlefield." Natasha is a rocket scientist, and a big dork. she looks way older than 25. Lauren is officially schoolgirl creeper. She bear hugs him. Teal is a good color for her. vaness is a major flirter and a little creepy. Wait--- did i miss a girl? with a beehive and fishnets? Melissa- Not a cute dress. Danielle- never had a second date. Mandy,teaches him to salsa dance in her 15 seconds. Hmmm. She also looks older than 25. Tally is from NY, but born and raised in Israel. And a 12 tear old comes in... what's her name? Kristian... I swear she didn't say it. She' s a teacher. Sweet. Another slutty hugger. with heels and hair 6'2, I like it. Arianne... she is being honest with her age. Sandy- a "farm girl." Sure, I believe that. This is a big limo..... Shari is a yo-yo er. AND THE HIGH VOICED MAGALI. I am going to hit her. Natalia likes to cook, and he says he likes "anything thick and juicy." Perv. Another crier.

20 women. Go back and count and make sure I didn't miss any. I will wait.... So, he starts a speech about how everyone here has been hurt by someone, etc. Because apparently that is exclusive to heavy people. And everyone gets a diamond ring, as his promise that he will like them for who they are. What a novel concept. If they take the ring, they have to promise to do the same. "Somebody that's gonna look inside you," yes, she just said that. Way to start it off with something serious... don't we usually work UP to the ring?

He is 26, and gives the standard "it's so humbling to be around all these wonderful women." He is now talking to the 12 year old. He is such a player-player. She is head over heels. AND here is a girl who quit her job to be on reality tv. Good for her. I hope she gets voted off. Idiot. And, every girl in the mansion is totally "his type." Wait- I thought he didn't have one. And let's pause for a moment. That concept has never made any sense to me. I have had a type since kindergarten, when I fell in love with George Michael (this is when he was dating women, and cmon, I was 5). I have a thing for dark haired light eyed guys. Always have I don't see a problem with it. But, people like to pretend like they can't be pinned down, or put into a box, so let's let them keep thinking that.

Do we really need to keep asking what the favorite food products are? And here comes the girl fights and interruptions. He is snuggling with two girls on the couch (told you he was a player) and a few other girls shoot daggers. And we again talk about meat. Gross. WHOA! First kiss goes to Anna. ANOTHER MEAT JOKE. Look, I like meat on a stick as much as the next... anddddd the drunk girl. The "farm raised" one. This next chick has never been on a date, and she said she only thinks people ask her ask a joke. Like in Never Been Kissed- remember when they egged her? SAD. She is still high pitched and annoying. ugh. Maybe THAT''s why guys don't like you.

AND crazy bitch jumps in the pool. The one that is always the best friend to the guys. Holy crap- this guy sounds EXACTLY like Judge Reinhold. Haha. Bonnie is an asshole. I like her. She called this girl ridiculous- and said she looked like an otter. :)

Same problem as always... so many girls, so little time. Oh, and the rocket scientist that thinks she is in danger because she is too smart. Yeah, probably. This IS a reality show. And then girls are sitting around and talking about how awesome he is... and how much in love they are. Because they have known this guy for 25 minutes. Yup, it's real. When the Bach asks Melissa a question, I am a little creeped out.. he is a PERV. And he asks for a kiss. This guy is kinda slimy. Let me tell you, he pulls ALL kind of tail, big and small; I am SURE of it. I learned from the teaching of my roommate's brother. He was in a frat, and told his little bro- "dude- it's a numbers game. girls like confidence. just keep asking, and enough will say yes to keep you busy." It works. That said little bro, prolly a good four inches shorter, and 7 years older than me had me all up in a tizzy 5 years ago. I think this guy learned that same lesson.

Sad- everyone has to give their rings back... he will only give rings to girls that make it through. I am still really uncomfortable with this idea... rings signify way too much.

Elimination time... he feels honored, blah blah standard shit. The future Mrs. Connelly could be in thsi room. Yup. Love in reality tv always works. First girl- Anna the first kissing skeeze/gigantor tall girl. Melissa A.- the second loose lip girl. Surprise. Magali- meh. Heather- the cutest dress I think. Mandy- and some girls shoot daggers, for a reason I don't know. Amanda- okay. Vanessa- the red head. Has Bonnie done her hair three differnt ways? Tali? the NYer. Lauren- .... Bonnie- Thanks goodness, I thought she was gonna kill someone. Christina-she seems nice. Dani- looks like jumping in the pool worked out. If allt hese girls do is cry, I am not gonna be able to do this. Arian? cougar. kristian, the 12 year old. How are these rings all fitting perfectly? And Emme comes out for the "only one ring." She is nearly worthless thus far. You can FEEEEEEL the desperation in this room. Mel B. One of the biggest criers, and the ugliest dress.

Now it's time for the awkward goodbyes. Fake "wish you the bests," and "great to meet yous." And he calls them al sweetie. Why is it so bright outside? Wasn't it night time? These exit interviews are depressing. Surprise, the rocket scientist is gone. And they don't even give her an exit interview.

And now he ends with the standard "humbling, etc." It may actually be the exact quote from earlier.

Clips from the future... this looks like it's gonna be good. Drama, prom, throwing flowers, make outs... yes. I am there.


Melissa said...

Oh man...this guy is a SKEEZE! You can just tell he is saying anything he can to get into these girl's pants. And seriously, did that girl have to jump in the pool? Glad she made the "beached whale" comment...because she knew half of America would be thinking the same thing!

Phyllis said...

I forgot it was on and totally missed it but it sounds like I need to tune in next week. Too bad its not on VH1 where it would be repeated 200 times in a week for those that didn't get to watch it.

I still don't get why people would do these types of shows but I'm glad they do so that I can be entertained by their stupidity.

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