Let's keep this one brief, because this whole episode should be a half hour. If only I directed this show... Don't worry- the same sappy bullshit would still be on there- it would just end on time. Every time.
So, after the review, there is my favorite part of the wrap up show, the cheesy musical medley. There is a wrench into the wheel of cheese this year, as they have to choreograph around the blind guy. This week, it was a pre-produced medley, so with the terrible lip synching, etc, etc, I started to load the dishwasher. AH! That's why no one sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" last night, because they were saving it for this shit storm.
Insert cheesey Ford commercial that is disguised as part of the show here.
Insert slightly disappointing Joss Stone and Smokey duet.
So, here is the part where Ryan is cheesy, and does his dramatic shit. If I felt like paying Cox an additional $5 a month, I would be fuh-fuhing right now. But F them. They raise my rates every three months by $3. They don't get that extra 5. The guy who is gonna win the whole thing is safe... big surprise... Justin Timberlake guy is sa... holy shit. Bottom three. Apparently people didn't like him up from the piano. Then cheesy shit... blah blah. Vampire guy is bottom three. Then it is down to the Blind Guy and the Witch/Spaz. America surprises me, and the Blind Guy is bottom three. They parade him out there... he looks like he is gonna cry. Now I feel bad for making such fun of him... then- he is announced as safe. Phew. Now it is ok that I am an asshole. :) Joey(the boyf) says, "Yeah. I knew that was gonna happen. I talked to my sister earlier, and she said it was terrible, because they bring him out just to sit him back down." True, yet somehow awesome. Just letting him know that he needs to stop fucking around.
Insert my super awesome fresh strawberry dessert. :)
Snce we have to leave the results until 7:58.45, they bring out one of the kings of Motown, Stevie Wonder. Blind guy goes ape shit, and I am afraid he is gonna fall. He starts singing "Cherie Amour," and the stupid cast sings along. I hate that shit. Kris is especially offensive. And that witch girl is snapping off beat. Ugh. Stevie is awesome, and I am pretty sure that the only reason he agreed to perform is the blind guy. He was probably like "HOLY SHIT! How do I get a guest appearance? You're gonna have to tell me what this show is like, because I have never seen an episode. Haha. I love Stevie. One of my top ten faves.
I hate hell's kitchen. Never watch it. Promos turn me off.
Here we go... I dig this sing for survival shit... :) Record setting vote..... just not for Michael. DUH. Let's see him make his stupid pained faces for the last time. Has he gotten fatter? That shirt is awful. PAULA IS TOTALLY DANCING DISCO. I want just a little of the mix she is on. Only a little, because she has a much higher tolerance for that than me.... If it is possible, that performance was even worse than last night. After some babbling, Simon pulls off the band-aid.
Video montages KILL me. And Michael is enjoying every moment of it. Good for him, because his singing career is going to peak at the local hotel bar.
I am coming into this a little late in the game, I know. I felt it time, however to blog about Idol. I will use the excuse that I wanted to wait until the top ten, because they are the only ones that go on tour.
Two thoughts on that: who actually buys tickets to the tour, and are they gonna make that blind guy dance?
Okay. First I need to share that I watch Idol for the pure entertainment of Paula being nuts, Simon saying exactly what I wish I could on a daily basis, and to see the contestants squirm. I do not pick a favorite, and vote, and say "Chris shouldn't have gone home so early!!" I used to.... in 2000.
So- here is my wrap up.
This is the first time I have seen that lame judge's intro- and it is gayer than that head band kid . How did Simon agree to this?
It is Motown night. One of my favorite genres, for sure. Now I just get to watch these hopefuls "make it their own," otherwise known as butchering it. Oh joy.
First up- the Justin Timberlake kid sings "Let's Get It On." He does a great job, but I am too pissed off at the fact that people always think of Marvin Gaye and think of that song. He is so much more than a karaoke song that frat boys drunkenly slur through. I digress.
Second- that kinda goofy, kinda cute, married too young kid. He sings another over done Marvin song, "How Sweet It Is." I wish I could find video of Chris Kline RUINING this song in American Pie. Because it was life altering for me, as I now can't hear that song without cringing. This Kris does it okay. I want to ask him though.... "Do you realize that you aren't actually playing the guitar? That you are merely strumming it, with no real chord changes or anything? And it isn't even MIKED!"
Third- The blind guy. Don't call me insensitive for referring to him that way. It is a much nicer nickname than I will give some of these tools. So, last week there was a drastic improvement because someone cut his Art Garfunkel hair . But this week, he is back to that open mouthed creepy smile. He can't see himself. Someone should tell him. I blame the "cute" brother. Bet he is tired of living in blind guy's shadow. Shit, get over it. You get to hold his hand, literally, across L.A. There is a quality to his voice that reminds me of George Michael, one of my all-time favorite artists. Srsly, Freedom 90 is one of the best songs ever. However, this guy also gives the George Michael vibe in that he is totally stuck in the 90's. Time to stop the pity vote, America.
Four- The creepy chick (Megan) that Kenn refers to as a witch . She likes to be "quirky." Tonight she sucked. After Kenn talking about her witch-like qualities.... I get nervous that she is going to turn Simon into a toad.
-Hannah Montana movie commercial. I am excited.-
Five- Finally, some original song choice. One of my favorites, "Ooh Baby, Baby." And Anoop did it justice. I didn't use to like him, but this little goober is growing on me. I also just like his name.
Six- Michael Sarver. I hate this tool. He looks like one of Joss Whedon's vampire creations . And that "down home simple man vibe" never lasts that long here. He does not listen to Smokey Robinson, ans he ruins "Ain't To Proud to Beg." But, it has been ruined on Idol before. I should have listed this song as on of the ones they ALWAYS do. He should have gone home last week. Simon is perfection.
Seven- Lil. It killed me last week when Simon kept calling her "little." Apparently, he has never heard it as short for Lilian. ;) Ugh. Heart strings crap... I hate it when these Idol people try to pay homage to, or honor the ones that paved the way. It always seems so disingenuous. Whatever. She isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Whoa.... the judges actually hated it too! Except Paula, because she is drunk. Also- why do we have to preface criticism by saying that someone looks great? It is so stupid, for lack of a better term. And btw. if she sings "Heat Wave," she shouldn't wear grey.
OMG! Olvia Newton John!
Eight- Now the kinda emo, old guys don't get it (because he is a little effeminate) but the tweens feel a little tingle in their vagingos guy is up. "Tracks of My Tears" is an AMAZING song. HOLY SHIT. He looks like Zac Effron in Hairspray! He always has chapped lips though... Not gonna go there. Just get some chapstick buddy. Smokey gives him a standing O. So does the new judge.
Side note- I hate Randy. He always pulls the "I said from the beginning..." he is so irrelevant, dog.
Nine- Now it is the guy with the dead wife. I missed the intro, because I had it on mute to watch an Alan Cumming video on Facebook. I love him. Great... now we get to see Danny Gokey's lame little dance moves. One of those back up girls looked like Kimberly Locke. What ever happened to her? That's right, Celebrity Fit Club. Let's place a "win" for her in the post Idol success category. Perhaps she actually did fall in love with the eighth world wonder. Sorry- you may have noticed that I purposely spaced out. Basically because I can't stand his "I just want to spread joy to the world" bullshit. Ha- Simon called him goofy and amateurish.
So, we are coming back with the final performer, the 16 year old girl with the voice aged beyond her years, in a good way... I am guessing she will knock it out.
Speaking of Zac Effron- I knew he was in a newer version of that Freaky Friday kind of thing, with just the dad getting younger, no swapping. BUT I didn't know Matthew Perry was in it! Rad. Also- Zac, good move on backing out of Footloose to pursue a more serious acting career.
Final- Allison. I freaking dig this girl. She doesn't take too many liberties, but rocks it. And I love that she kinda gives the new judge a "jeez lady, chill out" look when she creams her panties over her. Simon and Paula have a weird thing, and I think half the time Simon just whispers something retardo to out her off balance. Then pretend that he never said a thing, and Paula comes from the state of Wackadoo.
YOUR VOTE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER.... this Idol apparently will inherit a budget deficit and a recession... oh, no, wait. That was when we voted for President.
I hope the witch or the vampire go home.
I was driving to work this morning, and I see the guy in front of me making firm, calculated arm movements. I looked closer, and realized he was flossing... hard core. It was gross.
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