June 1, 2009

I'm A Blogger, Don't Make Me Watch It!!

So- I have really done a shitty job in keeping up with this in the past week and a half... so, I'm sorry.

So- my boyf suggested that i blog about "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," and I thought it was pure genius. I am taking it like Joel McKale- I watch it, so you don't have to. This will be wonderful.

How do I know Damien Fahey? he looks familiar... MTV? And then there is the token british/australian host that is hot.

wait a second..... this is Monday - Thursday?!?! I don't know what I am doing...

Boyf asked how they are "live" when they showeds all this extra footage. I remind him that they have been on the island for 48 hours at this point..

Here is ther cast:

-The "world's first supermodel" Janice Dickinson.
- Flesh colored beard, Spencer "the super villain"
- Heidi, his idiot "wife" that thinks this is a spa vacation
- Some wrestling diva- Tori Wilson- the boyf is familiar with her
- Stephen Baldwin- the least cool Baldwin brother.
- Frangela- from Best Week Ever, back when it was good- that gap toothed guy sucks
- LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS! La bamba- who just wanted to be relevant again
- Sanjaya- the "vote for the worst" goober. And he has a long haired mohawk.
- Some NBA guy who is afraid of spiders
- The Blagoyavich ( i don't care about spelling this correctly) wife- that isn't a celebrity- crazy that her husband wasn't allowed to travel...

So- First seven minutes- bloggo's wife is nearly taken away by the current. Thank you Heidi, for the running commentary.

Wait- apparently that was only one team... there are teams? There are more D- list celebrities to see? But then we go back to the same people we know--- and half of frangela falls in the water. apparently the fran part. She is hanging in there- and stephen is concerned because she is a chubbo. Baldwin has elected himself as team leader. I give it 6 hours before the team revolts. he is uber condescending. Does Frangela count as one person?

Okay- apparently the red team is Janice, Speidi and the basketball player, John. Heidi asked if the monkey in the tree is real... and then Spencer yells at it. Oh- and bloggo's wife is red team too. This show sucks.

Surprise! The camp is like Swiss Family Robinson. Janice Dickinson looks even worse without makeup. Heidi says " I don't know if I can really do this." I was thinking the same thing... Are Heidi and Spencer one person too?

Oh- the biritish girl was a "celebrity" on the British version... that apparently makes her relevant. Has NBC just given up? This bullshit plus Jay every night in prime time... I mean, really?

So yellow and red are at camp together, and Sanjaya is exhausted. So- the big basketball guy is a vegan......

Heidi and Spencer have a creepy conversation about how they can't snuggle, etc- and how she can't NOT have sex with him for that long. I get the idea of not being able to have sex for three weeks- but if I were in a fake television relationship with Spencer Pratt, sex would be the last thing on my mind. And..... there are Spencer and Heidi ready to leave. Lou Diamond Phillips says, "but hey- the charities won't get any money if you leave," and Spencer says "that's why we picked two of the biggest charities there are." Good attitude.

HAHAHA. He says that the cast is devaluing his fame. Actually, I think that is his flesh colored beard. Oh God- it has only been 26 minutes..... I am beginning to think this is a bad idea.

These hosts are essentially worthless. Hey, What do you know? The Heidi and Spencer saga is not over. Lou Diamond Phillips is attempting to be the voice of reason. I actually want to hang out with him, because he realizes that they are posers.

Wait- Sanjaya's lower third says "pop star." On what planet? did he release an album? Now he and Speidi do a fire dance while everyone is asleep.

Earlier- I said I would give it until 7:45 before I gave up. It is 7:33, and I just looked over at the boyf.... he told me to hang in there.....

So Speidi tries to leave again, and in response to their bullshit, the rest of the "celebrities" divide up their stuff. Frangela takes Heidi's hairspray- and then we see a clip of Speidi back- and PISSED. Surprise!!

I look at the boyf- I ask him to give me strength (hey, it worked for speidi).

Commercial for Conan o'Brien. Now, THAT is a show that I can get on board with.

Spencer said he is going to cook Sanjaya for dinner for taking their cot. And then things really escalate when Spencer tosses the water bottle out of fran's hands.... And here is the jerry springer aspect... let's yell. And then Heidi has her Oscar moment and cries about people taking the labels off her dry shampoo. And Janice takes Spencer's side. BLAH BLAH YELL BLAH Spencer gets attention. And then the Baldwin says "I've heard of Juingle fever- but this is crazy!" And apparently- Spencer is a new Christian... Heidi says he is having trouble transitioning.

Wait- I think i got the fran and gela confused. They talk about how speidi are like kids, and how they say "mommy, I hate you. and you can't get mad- because they don't really hate you, they just wanted a balloon." How true.

Now we get to hear spencer's game plan on how to build alliance.... it reminds me of the speech in Billy Madison... The link is my response.

Now the hosts are introducing themselves, and announce that instead of the red and yellow teams, it is men vs women... Speidi is not pleased. Or so they WANT YOU TO THINK! Apparently, it is spencer and heidi vs EVERYONE!!

Spencer hides torrie's bag. And heidi is proud, because he didn't throw it in the water. And then... he apologizes, apparently because that is WJWD. But it was all part of Spencer's evil plan... what a fucking tool. I have made it an hour in... I deserve a present.

There is a heavy dsicussion about whether we watch the next hour...

my reward for making it an hour is some cheese. Now it is food challenge time. They have a cheesy little "jungle diner" ANd Heidi is running her mouth. guys v. girls to win food. One team eats well (chicken and fruit), the other eats rice and beans. Heidi v. the basketball vegan eating a rat tail. BBAll guy just swallows it. Beats heidi. Sanjaya vs fran. some kind of animal milkshake. Sanjaya slups it up, and gets the white cream all over his face... gonna say this isn't the first time that has happened.

Then I missed a little because I chose to clean up cat litter. I got my cat, Baxter a self cleaning litter box a few months back. Let's just say self cleaning isn't excalty true. He makes a mess.

They go through some more... and then Heidi vs. the basketball guy- and he again, just picks up the scorpions and swallows. Then Sanjaya vs. fran or gela- and he deep throats an iguana tail. That is the key- manageable bites then swallow. You think heidi would know how to swallow. Ok- I am done with the gutter humor. ;)

Oh, hey- did you know that Bloggo's wife thinks that he was always doing the right thing for people? He helped the kids- and was "fighting special interests," and the big money didn't like him. Here is how I know that Bloggo is guilty-> Spencer would vote for him for president. The rest of this conversation doens't matter.

Team leaders are selected... Lou vs. Janice. Something happened.. Lou won. I was taking a facebook quiz. And anyone who knows me knows I REALLY hate those... so-

It is time for the immunity trial, in the trauma tank. Heidi- we get it with the dry shampoo. Stephen was bitten by a "bullet ant."

BTW- if you were afraid of a jungle animal- would you tell anyone? wouldn't you think they would present you with this animal JUST to make good tv? geez. so whichever celeb lasts the longest in the tank ges immunity.

All the celebs are strapped in, minus spencer and heidi- not sure why... then the girls drop like flies after cockroaches and some worms. torrie and stephen have it right. just close your eyes- the bugs aren't going to crawl on you....

and now there is more for tomorrow- apparently... don't know who is gonna watch it. Boo.