Let's Dance- The Last Dance (Idol Recap)

So, I am late again. Work. It is crazy.

So- I stopped by Qdoba and picked up a burrito bowl and some queso- because I deserve it. I like Chipotle's food better, but this was on the way home, and had Queso. Which I need. I am an emotional eater. I got the chips with it, which I didn't need- but didn't have time to argue, and I am glad I did. CP and Molly- great lime flavor. Almost too good to dip.

So, across the country tonight, family and friends are gathering around televisions glued to the Idol finale. It is amazing when you find out who secretly LOVES the show. I found out today a guy that I work with on some of my programs is addicted. And this I.T. chick I know from Edward Jones. American Idol crosses barriers. Including one barrier- the gay/straight. I would not be surprised if across the country there are "We're Here, We're Queer, We're Idols!" parties were being held. Which would be amazing. AND there have got to be some "Real American Values" parties being held as well... whatever that means. I hope that I am able to have a talk with my kids in 20 years, and have them say to me "why were people so weird about all that gay/straight stuff?" You know, kinda like I asked my dad about the "black/white thing" after he told me about the race riots in Chicago when he was in High School. We shall see.... okay- down from the soap box- back to the show.

I walk in with ten minutes already passed. Here we go-

Adam-

It obviously was not this dramatic an entrance before... he first did this when he was still a little "rough." Before he removed some piercings and such. He looks tanner... in a good way. rocking the trench and the fingerless gloves... Good choice, because it showcases his vocal range and sensitive side (ha ha kris). Randy gives it an A+. Kara loves the choice- blah blah- artistry. What. Anthony Hopkins is there? Paula has a great green on... but she is too tan. too many words.... Simon says it was a little over theatrical and very Phantom. And Randy makes an excellent point, and says it is very Twilight. This now sparks an Edward vs. "whatever the hell the other dudes name is" debate across the country. Here is a hint ladies- they are both FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

Kris Allen video- crap, I guess that means I missed an Adam home video. You know, where his dad says- "I wish my son liked sports, but I guess this is ok." OMG- Kris doing "Ain't No Sunshine." Love it. This is when he started to be a favorite for me. Not only because it is an amazing song, but because few can sing it and hit the right pain. He nails it, and jazzed it up a little but not in a Dorky Gokey way. There is this end I don't really remember.... Kris's wife looks like she is going to prom. Ha. Randy needs a better fitting jacket. And the Lakers suck. Kara is really starting to get kinda Paulaish- and rambles about feelings, and blah blah. Paula talks about spirit and artistry. Simon- thanks for bringing the competition idea back- Simon says he deserves to be here, after maybe doubting it last week. Kris is looking very confident... Round one winner prediction- Kris.

And I just saw the first "american values" nod... camera in to some chick that is IN Kris's family area that is holding a baby Not his wife. Maybe his sister. We don't care about his wife and her title (she never really got recognized after Simon pretty much said "hide her") but NOW that it saves America from gay takeover, let's put it in.

Songs by Simon Fuller is the next category. Not Cowell- the other one.

Adam- Change is Gonna Come- Nice message of hope. :) He's got the gray suit that everyone loved. This songs is going to make the gay fan base rally the dialing fingers. I LOVE IT. How does he hit these notes? Crap. He does this little "squat like i gotta pee" move that is not so cute... but there is a nice strong ending. You can tel he was thinking about something different behind those vocals. Simon Fuller is a genius. Still like Cowell better. So- Is Kris gonna come out and sing "God Bless America?" Because that would be an excellent rebuttal. I am getting tired of recapping Kara. Paula says it was the best she has heard him sing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, as she helicopters over her head. Simon Cowell says he is back in the game- as if this won't flip flop all night.

KATIE HOLMES AND SURI!

Kris- "What's Going On" I think some people might remember the Cyndi Lauper version, but the Marvin Gaye's is better. And Kris is adding his sweet little Jason Mraz kick to it. It is a song about understanding, and not hate and war and violence... interesting. Why do I read so much into song lyrics? And the Idol produces KNOW they are feeeeeeeeding into the battle- as they should. Randy likes it but says it wasn't big enough. Kara-blah blah hand pointing. Simon says is was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. Hahaha. Too laid back for a night like this. Kris is denied mic time. But gives us his winning smile. Thank you Ryan for pointing out the obvious symbolism. Already there, buddy. And Simon says that %1000 Adam won that round. Yes., there should be three zeros.

So now we have the "both sing the same song" song. ADDED bonus- we have a judge songwriter. Kara, in case you were wondering. She helps with some of Kelly Clarkson's stuff. This song always sucks. Adam is like "bring it the eff on. I will go higher and deeper- blah blah dreams." Randy blah blah sing the phonebook- but he hated it. Kara drops names, and is moved and proud. And he makes some lame comment about the song being beautiful. Paula can't find words. Surprise. Cowell- Hahaha. He makes a joke on the mountains and hurricanes in the song. :) He calls him original, etc. He believes that they have found a worldwide star in Adam.

Ryan calls him a class act when he says that he was excited about the challenge to sing something different- you know, instead of pulling a Gokey and saying it wasn't his thing. I am so glad that tool is gone. I wouldn't have had the energy to blog about his ridiculousness tonight.

OMG! I totally forgot that GLEE is TONIGHT! My day just got better. How do I forget that, you ask? I am a busy girl.

Kris's turn at the lame song. It sounds awful, and kinda flat. He gets an A for effort in the middle. Ugh, this song sucks. Adam makes it not seem SO awful, so by default, I give him the win on this one. Even his family isn't impressed. Kara doesn't want him to be judged on that song... vote on the season. HAHAH. Right, that is what Americans are know for, remembering the full measure of some one's worth, not just the sound bite they heard on Extra last night. So- the judges pretty much say "it's been cool knowing you dude." Man- I wish he would have put up more of a fight at the end. I feel deflated...

This is kinda the feeling after Justin and Kelly's finale. She rocked it, and he showed up and didn't mess up horribly. She had been the favorite all along, and he squeezed by with his winning smile. They all knew it was just a final step in the process, and it didn't mean anything, really.

Tomorrow= two hours, and schedule your dvr, cuz they'll go long, Ryan says. Shouldn't they be looking at their script tonight and finding a place to cut a few minutes? I am sure we can remove a few "coming up, right after the break" bits. Gimmie the script- I'll take care of it.

I love these montages, where we are reminded of all those hot messes that graced the stage. We've really come a long way, baby.

Na na na na... na na na na-- Hey Hey Hey Gokey's Gone (Idol Recap- sorry I spoiled it)

Alright- I think it is really fucking time I get a DVR. I just left book club so that I could come home for Idol, and I missed the first 25 minutes. So- keep that in mind while you read. One good thing- I probably missed the lame trips home. I prolly would have made fun of some third grader, and been called an asshole. Anyway.... (also-I want to show everyone right now. It is ANYWAY, not ANYWAYS- ANYWAYS is not a word.)

I walk in at 8:25, and Kris is onstage. He is given criticism, and sent to the couch with Danny Gokey. They are both bottom two, right? Did we just stop dicking with America, and let them know that Adam was safe early? That would have been my vote. Because, "seriously, really?!?"

Jordin Sparks is performing... she is cute. And from Arizona. We like to claim our local celebrities. Funny story- I have totally drank with her pop. Last year (maybe two), my roommate and I went to our local watering hole to watch a University of Arizona basketball game that wasn't on tv... or maybe it was football. It was football. Anyway, there was this cool guy at the end of the bar talking to us about our team, and this that and the other. He went to ASU, so we started some smack talking. And he drank Glenlivet, so he was cool. Anyway, he left- wishing us luck, and being an all around sweet guy, and totally chill. We said to the bartender- "he's a cool dude." he says- "Yeah, that is Bubba Sparks, Jordin Sparks' dad." So- there is my one degree of separation from an American Idol superstar. While I told that whole story, I totally missed her performance. I think she was wearing something sparkly. Whatever, she is cute. I like her.

This whole Glee nonsense is too much for me. I am SO stoked for this show. But I only get to watch one episode before they close for the summer. It is so messed up on so many levels.

ok- Wait a fucking minute. We are JUST NOW seeing Adam Lambert at 8:38?!?! This vote off episode is such bullshit. Let's go to San Diego. Holy crap- his local weather girl had him do her eye shadow. Seems to me that their FOX news is as lame as our fake news station, 3TV, the place with more stuff. Where are all the gay dudes running around after him!?!??! He goes back to a theater that he legitimately performed in, and it is super sweet. And I love that they show that Adam Lambert can be sweet, and won't try to make your children FABULOUS! I want a day named after me in Phoenix. Oh crap. I think I missed the flasher. HOLY CRAP they are taking him to the marine base... nice rendition of the Anthem, Adam. FYI- there weren't any Marines on base that day... ha.

So- let's send Adam to the couch again, and have them all sit there. And Katie Perry is next...

I really like that MasterCard can still use the "priceless" commercial theme. It still works, but doesn't seem outdated. How do they do that? And it isn't like there haven't been a shit-ton of parodies. We had one my sophomore year of college for our Mardi Gras sorority date dash. I didn't go to the party, but I bought the shirt. Lost it one time in the laundry, and I tried to get another one from Senior Wills but was unsuccessful. Not that it matters. The tshirt quilt that my mom was going to buy me as a graduation gift never got made. BUT the tshirts are all still in the closet of my old bedroom, so ... there's that. I found a chick online that does them- but I need it to be totally symmetrical and perfect, so I didn't hire her- based on her online photo album.

So they are sitting on the couch and I nearly just died.. they say that Katy Perry is up, and they will reveal the results after that. Apparently Gokey just wants it to be over- because the nerves are too much- and Adam yells " I JUST WANNA SEE KATY PERRY!!!" I love him.

So- I haven't heard this song. Apparently my marine sister loves this song, and was pissed that she released it. She likes to like the songs no one knows on the album. It makes her a more elite fan. So- this is about a marriage in Vegas. After a drunken night... well- the sanctity of that is serious. FYI- She kinda is annoying. I'm done with her vibrato. AND done with the camel toe caused by her unitard.

Here we go- dim the lights..... first person competing...... KRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Simon is shocked... my heart is racing... seriously... I might get sick- I am so excited. Please send danny home.. please send danny home... please send danny home..... holy crap..... get there faster! ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you America. Danny Gokey can go back to wherever the hell he is from. Let's count the dead wifeisms in his goodbye piece. 1.... two.... jump jump.... three... faux hawk.... prayer stance... spaz dance... Jaime Foxx in his face.. four... four dead wives in a 58 second vignette... excellent work Idol producers... I hope he dedicates You Are SO Beautiful to the dead wife (hey- boyf's sister- I am NOT going too far. ;) )

Kara is crying. I am elated. The crowd is clapping along... Kara is crying... Kris is shitting himself.... white girl clapping off beat.... I am elated.... Danny licks his pervo lips... Paula is on her feet.... group hug.... hey- it is 2 minutes past end time... simon says "it could be a big ding dong next week." Kris laughs his usual "simon, you're so silly" giggle.

I haven't been this excited for an Idol finale sine Justin and Kelly. OMG OMG OMG! Do you think that Kris and Adam can do a movie?!?! If you have never seen From Justin to Kelly - go rent it. NOW. Of course... in this film, they wouldn't be able to fall in love. I am sure they could find themselves in some CRAZY predicaments!!!

It's Too Late to Apologize, America- YOU voted Gokey here (Idol recap)

I am a really good sister. It is 9:24, and I am watching the Idol episode that I recorded earlier because at 7 p.m., I was in a sweltering hot drama room at the High School watching my sister’s last performance. After this, I will be writing a letter to the principle, telling him that it might be a good idea to turn on the a/c for a performance when the weather is over 104 during the day. It would be awful if the children suffered heat stroke.

Now onto Idol…..
The week they go home doesn’t really make sense to me. It isn’t like they actually KNOW all these people that are geeking out…and the whole thing is always so “surreal.” And their HS principle that never even knew them says something about how he is a hero, and barf, barf, barf.

Then, the judges pick a song for them, basically something expected that doesn’t challenge them or challenge what we think of them. Then the final 3 pick a song, and it is usually pretty similar to the other one the judges pick… let’s get it started (ha), let’s get it started (in here). That was for you, sister. Hope you appreciate it.

I have no idea what song this is. All I hear is this doucher yelling. How is Terrance Trent D’arby at all relevant? Remember when he said he was gonna be bigger than the Beatles? And then peole lit his albums on fire? I may be remembering the second part incorrectly. I heard the story on I Love the 80’s. It cracks me up that Kara makes fun of his dancing, because she has equally as awkward moves. Paula looks a lot better now that she isn’t medicated. Why is she so tan? Simon too…. I want to kick this dude. No more, America. I BEG you.

For Kris- Randy and Paula are ppicking a song, because they both count as half a person. He will be singing Apologize. Which I think they told him to sing earlier this season. This purple lighting bullshit has GOT to stop. He doesn’t really change anything, but it is less annoying than the original. This is the fun part of judge’s pick- they pick a song, and then get mad that he didn’t do what they wanted him to do with it. Simon TOTALLY calls Kara on it. AND IT IS AWESOME. Nothing makes me happier than when people get called on their bullshit. Ryan- get control of this show. Kara goes over and pretends to wrestle Simon, and blah blah. This is just so expected and ridiculous.

I am glas that Simon is picking for Adam. Basically because the other judges are near worthless. I had hope for Kara. But no more. You know what would be interesting. If someone tracked Idol like sports stats… and let me know the percentage of a certain judge being assigned the task of picking the song for the winner. I would guess that Simon most frequently is assigned the winner. Somebody get on that for me.
Ugh- the Kardashians are in the audience.
Simon likes U2. And apparently made a personal call to Bono to get permission. He probably bought him a new pair of sunglasses. Oh- I recognize this song. Sorry- I am not that big of a U2 fan. Oh, gasp, blasphemy. I know. Whatever. GTFover it. So, he stars nice and smooth, and then he screeches out in typical Adam fashion. And his mom is crying in the audience. I am not going to rehash the judges and their high school fake drama bullshit.

Some dork in the audience has a sign that says “adam rox my sox off.” It would be cooler if there was a sports theme on it, but instead, it is just changing the spelling of the words for no reason. If I were a producer, someone would be hired to monitor the songs for lameness. That one would not have made the cut.

Oh- I forgot about “Idol Gives Back.” Don’t they usually have some big show where nobody goes home, and they raise a bunch of money? Or something… oh. I guess they just send Carrie Underwood to Africa. Lame. FF. Sorry- I am just one of those people that thinks that maybe we should make sure we have ourselves taken care of before we go help everyone else in the world. I am sure there are some kids in America that need a little assistance, but apparently we like to pretend that problems don’t exist within our borders. This is American Idol, after all. We must prove the greatness of America. Let’s just pretend that there aren’t any kids in South Phoenix who didn’t know where their dinner was coming from tonight. Let’s just keep pretending we have it all figured out, and we can tell everyone else how to do it the right way. But- I digress.

Oh- as If I wasn’t fired up enough, the ass clown was up. Blah, blah, blah. You Are So Beautiful, by Joe Cocker. Duh. I can’t even listen. FF. Hey Randy- thanks for letting us know that the dude can sing. I thought I was watching “America’s Next Dance Crew.” Simon has something on his shirt. I think it is Paula’s bronzer. This horsehit of Ryan standing up there and asking the “post performance” how did that feel garbage is really annoying. It is bad enough when that one chick does it for NFL on Fox.

Kris is singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. No idea. I don’t listen to what the cool kids do. I listen to classic rock. I-tunes plug. Oh… yeah… I know this song. And hey-Kara, he has his guitar. And will go acoustic on it. So if you don’t like it, you can jump off a bridge for all I care. It is nice to hear something a little more up tempo/rough from Kris. He did a nice job of sowing us a different style. Too bad he is going home tomorrow. I am gonna miss that little thing he does where he sings out of one side of his mouth. I think he wife has gained weight. Judges bicker- Ryan finally says something. Too little to late dude.

Idol tour. They don’t seem to be promoting it this much this year.

Adam is doing Aerosmith. You can tell he was gonna rock, because he is wearing his leather jacket. He is doing Cryin… remember how edgy Alicia Silverstone was in this video- with her tattoo, and the motorcycle and stuff? OR wait, is this the one where Liv is on the stripper pole? Or are they the same video? I am so bored. Hey- did you know that Adam can hit really high notes while shrieking? Thought I would let you know. It is comincal to me that randy calls him a Rock Star. Rocky Horror star is more like it. Paula basically calls him the winner right there. Simon is awesome. He reminds everyone that you have to vote, because the producers might not make it up as they go along….

I am not that excited about tomorrow night, and quite frankly- I am not looking forward to the finale. Between the widow that screams and creeps me out, and Adam that yells in a much sweeter, more feminine way, I don’t think I can do an hour, AND a finale. I have pretty much realized that the cute puppy train of Kris has reached its final stop. Sad.

Who was the third one last year? I don’t remember.

Catch you on the flip side.

Let's just throw a bunch of random performances together and call it a show (idol vote off recap)

After some good Mexican food, on Seis de Mayo, and some Lie to Me, it is time for the Idol vote off night.

These recaps are amazing... so dramatic and cheesy. They even catch the boyf's attention... until he realizes it.. and then says " I can't watch this fucking shit." haha. We are now sitting on the couch with our laptops (brought mine because I am not compatible with his Mac) while I watch Idol, and he listens to real music on the super rad high tech headphones I got him for Christmas.

I wonder what it is gonna be like when they have a "green finale." How can they produce a show without the streaming lights and the the music, etc...?

Ooooh Daughtry tonight. And Paula Abdul will perform.... I hope it is "Opposites Attract." M.C. Scat Kat is rad.

Cheesy ford-commercial... these are a perfect example of how American Idol ruins rock and roll. And now.. Slash joins the kids for "School's Out." Another classic on the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. Hahaha. Adam just sway-swaggered on stage. And those pants make his hips look wide. There is a weird brother/sister vibe with Danny and Allison- except that Danny thinks she is hot. It creeps me out. I am so sick of these cheeeeeesy graphics on the screens. There is no need for fake flames, and geometric shapes.

Slash has some super secret album that unites him with some amazing vocal talent... that he can't release to us yet. Lame. I hate it when people try to create interest by saying " I can't tell you." I usually say... "whatever, then don't." It is my coy way of pretending I don't care- and then damage their ego, and then they tell me anyway and I win. :)

So I was really frickin excited for Glee... until I find out that I will be cock teased with an episode, and then nothing for three months. I don't do well with that.

Let's ask everyone how they feel about the Wednesday night elimination. Basically so that it can be used against them when they are in the bottom. I love that Adam says he loved his song.. and he loved his outfit.. giggle. Danny tried to remove the foot from his mouth, and said when he watched the tape, he realized he was awful. And then he pretends to make fun of himself, and I just want to punch him. I won't even type it. Then Allison tells everyone that Simon was asking for it last night. And then drop the "JC" bomb and gets muted... hm.

Paula... is using the "phelanger/reverb thing" (edit: flanger) tonight. Thanks boyf. She isn't even lipsynching right (edit: apparently boyf thinks he needs to be credited for this). If she just wanted to put on a bunch of sequins and dance with some gay dudes, she could have just invited Clay, Adam and David Archuleta over for a slumber party. HAHAHAHA. Now she is dancing/crawling through Disneyland fake fire n(sheets in Pirates), and jumped from an elevated platform, a la Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (yes- that is the link to the DTV Dance off). Gentlemen- she is just here for the music- not their advances. Hahaha.

Wow. It is amazing to see Paula clean. Good for her. Are they gonna talk about it?! Are you going to really do an interview Ryan, and go all Frost/Nixon on her? Nope.

How did I miss that No Doubt was performing? Wanna know something about Gwen Stefani? Her vocals suck live. I have heard it from numerous people. And here is the proof. Why the middle school flashback? Are they back togehter? Hey, if she isn't hanging out with Gavin Rossdale does that mean there is an opening? Gwen spazzes out onstage- getting the boyf's attention as he asks "is she on meth?" She then "pretends to be punk." It is such a put on. My how the mighty have fallen. Make it end. "want to know what is amazing? Mic Jagger is like, 90 years old and he can run across the stage just like her, and sound amazing..... I wish Simon would critique this. "- this right here is an example of why I love my boyf. Apparently they are doing a tour to get inspiration for a new album. Lame. Why is that dude wearing striped pants and a tutu? Stop trying so hard. You can't tell me that is really YOU.

This background music makes me mental. Interesting... the contestants are hanging out backstage... We get to see the last few years of "semi-finals home visits." Whatever happened to Bo Bice? Is he living in a double wide with four kids yet? There are some people on there I don't recognize. The finalists will be announced in random order, like they always are. But they want to make it clear now, so that people stop blogging about their methods.

Dim the lights- Allison- her hair looks dumb. Danny- sucks. Adam- Does not look good in HD. I remember this every time I watch it on a fancy tv. Kris- or LL Cool Kris, because the ladies are loving him. Who is safe... bump bump... bump bump.... bump bump.... bump bump... Kris. And he does the Miss America hands over mouth shocked face. Honestly the best thing I have seen on this show in weeks. His wife is going ape shit (apes don't have tails- monkeys do- learned that today) even though they haven't put "Kris's wife" in the lower third of her screen since week 2.

These Nikon commercials where Ashton Kutcher pretends like he is a single ladies man make me nuts. I know that he and Demi are private people, but I really think they make a nice couple, and I don't think he should feign singledom.

The contestants are backstage, so that we can do a Chris Daughty re-cap. Please try to tell me he hasn't changed. So- when I see the video of him and Katherine McPhee where he gets sent homeit kills me. If looks could kill- McPhee'd be lying on the floor. Heart, that is a real rock band. Chris talks about wanting to be in a band, and not a solo artist, and then they show his first album cover... with him in the forefront and blurry bandmates in the back labeled DAUGHTRY. Yeah, I believe that. What is wrong with his mike (edit: mic, m-i-c, what is wrong with his band member!?!? thanx boyf) It is creepy how perfect his chin beard is. And his eyebrows. Is his sister a waxer? The boyf sees it and says "I am going to grow a chin strap." Veto. Good thing I know he is only kidding. And also- he couldn't grow it if he wanted to. The bass player has a great mohawk. I forgot what those looked like after seeing so many faux hawks on the douches in Scottsdale. Cute Kris presents him with the 5 million copies thing. Is that platinum? Wouldn't that be nice if you explained it to us Ryan? Hosting is more than extending the results beyond any reasonable time frame.

May 21- So You Think You Can Dance- a heavy contender for the next show to blog about. I have been meaning to talk to you about that. It will be discussed. :)

Back to the vote off. Random order brings us..... Adam as safe. Okay. Now I kinda believe it. One of Adam's friends looks reallllly familiar. Kinda like a young Taylor Dayne.(edit- i think she is a former ANTM contestant)

64 million and that ass clown is safe. I am begging you readers of this blog. Tell all your friends to stop the insanity and put their cell phones away. Allison was a creepy kid with big teeth. How is it possible that they found 1:12 seconds of personality. She is crying but will sing. What a trooper. How funny that sh is singing crybaby. This is so re-dick. Because Gokey is an asshole. And I am so far over him. I think that in protest, I will not type his name once next week. I am taking suggestions for what I should call him. And he pretends to look sad. Vom.

Wanna know what is funny? The judges had this "save" that was supposed to prevent things like the Daughtry vote off. BUT THEY HAD TO USE IT OR LOSE IT TWO WEEKS AGO. SO IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE.

Two songs next week- Judges choice, and their pick. I hope that someone picks something terrible for Gokey. How will this work with four judges? Does one judge not pick?

That Rock n Roll Music- Any Old Way You Choose It (Idol Recap)

So- tonight is Rock and Roll night and I have been excited for a week. SO- chances are, this will suck because what does American Idol know about Rock and Roll? If you want to argue with me- just think of all the medleys. Nuff said.

In "no shit, Sherlock" news: Paula Abdul was addicted to pain killers. If you didn't know that, I have another shocker for you: Adam Lambert likes dudes. And if you didn't know that... then I have a time share in the Caribbean that I would like to talk to you about.

It has been "an unconventional day" at Idol.. apparently the tower fell. And stopped the run-through. Too bad Lil Rounds isn't around to use that as an excuse.

Added bonus- duets tonight.

What the hell is Kara wearing. This is not a Joan Jett concert. HOLY SHIT. Adam looks HI-larious. I will need to link a photo later.

Slash- I wonder when he stopped counting how many chicks he nailed. Probably not soon after he stopped counting how many packs a day he smoked. Slash will be mentoring from the club- with full band packing the idols. (insert nervous laughter from Allison and Danny).

Adam is first. And singing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." I will rip him if he ruins it. Because it is one of my faves. his hair is re-dick. Not really surprised he chose this. Most of his performances have moaning and latent sexual undertones. Once again, tweens across the country need an explanation for that fuzzy feeling in their bajingos. Okay- I want to punch Kara in the face because I am so over her. Paula looks really nice. Simon-agrees that it is one of the best Rock and Roll songs of all time. Why aren't we together again? I never thought I would hear Zeppelin on Idol- but I am not upset. I would be if Danny sang it.

Allison's transformation into Kelly Clarkson is nearly complete. Cool beans. Stool time with Ryan. Yet another opportunity for Allison to TRY to show us she has a personality. Taking on Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to "bring it." Her voice is awesome. Duh. Randy "kept it real" and told her he "didn't feel it." I should play the "randy cliche drinking game." Kara wished she did "Piece of my Heart." Agreed. Paula is a tool. Simon says she wasn't original enough. So Allison is getting sassy with Simon, and being a 17 year old girl. Showing personality is nice, but people don't always appreciate a sassy asshole. I should know. That is why I do it here, where people can kiss my ass and click somewhere else. ;)

So- here is a duet--- Renegade- Kris and Danny. This song is awesome. I guess Danny's idea of rock is a big chain around his neck. He refuses to wear leather apparently. This kinda sucks. Kris is having tempo problems. And Danny is yelling. Boo. The judges are critiquing this? Kara calls it out as being lame because these guys are so white bread, and not in fear of the long arm of the law. Wait. They PICKED this song?!? Whadda ya know... Danny blames the lack of a full dress rehearsal for the suck. Typical.

Kris is going to do a Beatles number. Can't say that I am surprised. Stool time with Ryan. He had originally picked "Revolution," and it didn't feel right because he is vanilla, and would revolt against nothing. He will do Come Together and play guitar. I actually prefer the Aerosmith version to the Beatles version, personally. I feel like it is a Guitar Hero performance. Why does Idol like to light everything so their hair looks purple? Annoying. It makes me feel like I am losing it. Why does Randy repeat so much? Kara thinks he is trying to hard, like she is with the outfit. Simon says it was like "eating ice for lunch- it leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards. " He is my soul mate. The ladies in the audience are not okay with him. I hope he has security walk him to the car.

Ass clown Gokey will ruin "Dream On." Surprise, he wants to yell at us. And it is inspirational with the "dreaming till your dream come trueeeeeeee." I don't know that I can watch it, and I don't know that I can handle the repercussions of typing my ACTUAL feelings on it.... the boyf's sister apparently thinks I go too far on the Danny bashing. Can't help it... he sucks, and he is playing America like a fiddle. I feel the need to intervene on this domestic terrorist- or I couldn't sleep at night.

Local news will have a story about the blind guy tonight. Remember him?

Gokey performance- too much purple; he is not Prince. He sounds like he got punched in the balls, and the ending screech is like a cat in heat. I swear, America. You dial in for this douche, and I am moving to Canada. I will disown you. Thank you Kara for saying that it was too much. The fist pumping has to stop, Kara. We are holding an intervention. Watch that- you will thank me later. Simon says he sucked but will prolly be safe. I am hoping that is his attempt to make America comfy so that they don't dial for dollars.

Duet- Slowride from Allison and Adam. I cannot hear this song and not think of one of the best movies in the history of the world, Dazed and Confused. I kinda tuned out on the performance, instead choosing to watch Matthew McConaughey in peach pants. I love you tube. The audience loved it... so-duh. Paula calls it a perfect marriage. Adam is like-"shit, I guess that is my only chance at marriage, right Miss California?" ;) I am going to bite my tongue now. Except to say that this isn't a modeling picture, it is a sex-text shot. I should know (cmon- I dated a Marine). If you want "modeling shots that could be confused as porn," go to model mayhem.

Recap showed Danny's terrible finish (that should be a porn title). As bad as it hurts to hear it again, it is a reminder for America. It is time to end this party.

I know what you did this weekend

So, this weekend I had a pretty serious helping of horror flicks. Here is a review of them all for your pleasure.

Friday- They youngest sister and I decided to use the "On Demand" feature on our Cox Cable package. Free movies-Fearnet. We picked the movies passe on their plot summaries.

If I Die Before I Wake: So- the cinematography is a little high school handheld. The entire set up of the film takes 3 minutes, where the camera pans through the house and all the bedrooms. Then, the bad guys enter. The 16 year old girl hides with the 6 year old girl, so that the bad guys don't find them. Note to self- buy a 5 ft tall stuffed dalmatian to hide behind in case of emergency. The acting is pretty terrible, and the script was probably written by a sophomore in high school. Things escalate rather quickly, and some people die. The 16 year old girl turns straight up Bruce Willis as John McClane. If you are looking for a film that will make you yell at the screen, and feel like you need to take a shower, then this is right for you. Just hope that you don't mind bad teeth.
Grade: B-

The New Kids: Lori Laughlin. James Spader. Eric Stoltz. How do you say no? For the first hour, you don't remember that you are watching a horror film. With the amazing work out montages, upbeat soundtrack, and Lori Laughlin's bangs- you are right in the middle of pure 80's heaven. Then- you remember that the kids (lori and some random dude) are working for their Uncle's Santa Claus theme park. Their parent's are dead, and they move to Florida to start fresh- hence the title. They meet some creepy kids, but nothing to crazy. We figured the storyline would develop into "haunted theme park." We waited about an hour... then instead, they decided to have James Spader and his wonderful silk button ups go TOTALLY MENTAL- and kill Lori Laughlins' bunny. We are then taken on a 23 minute tour of "we are hick guys and we get whatever we want." From nearly lighting Lori Laughlin on fire, to shooting her uncle in the stomach, to a trained pitbull attack, to a shoot out in Santa's Village, this movie really escalated quickly. All I know is- if I move to a small town, I will say YES when the creepo asks me out on a date. I don't want my cat Baxter decapitated and dropped into my shower.
Grade: B

Out of the Dark: A serial killer is targeting a group of phone sex operators in L.A. Say what?! Yeah, that is what we thought. This one was by far the best film of Friday night's marathon. This guy, Bobo, would call the ladies and talk about some pretty wicked stuff, and hang up. They didn't hink much of it- until girls started getting killed. The whole movie was funny scary, from the acting to the scripting. Allow me to paraphrase our favorite scene:
We see the owner of the phone sex company asleep in her bed. The phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is the detective. We just discovered the body of a girl in the park. She had your phone number in her pocket, so we think she may have been one of your girls. We are going to need you to identify the body."
"Ok."
"We are really hoping to get this whole thing wrapped up before lunch. We open at 9 am."
"I will be there at 10 am."
"Thanks for your cooperation."
Add a few soft core porn scenes and some gory murders and you have yourself a winner!
Grade: A-

The next night, my sister and I hung out with our "sister soulmates," another group of sisters similar in age and personality. They like cheesy horror as well, and have an amazing collection.

The Baby's Room (English title): I couldn't get my sister to agree to this one the night before- so I worked our friends, and got to watch it. C'mon now. A baby monitor that shows some creepy stuff? Yes! BUT- it was filmed in Spanish- and subtitled. And boring. And slow. And we turned it off after 45 minutes of nothing really happening.

Happy Birthday to Me: Another great 80's flick. A little slow going, this one is about a high school girl that is a part of an elite society at school. The Top Ten, as they are called, cause trouble and inter date a la 90210. We learn that there was some accident and follow up surgery that has made our heroine (some chick from Little House on the Prairie) a little bit out of sorts. There are some gory deaths that apparently were originally filmed grosser- but edited to receive an R rating instead of an X rating. Hilarious to us, considering the movie we watched next, but I digress. Any how- the ending is a little twisty and underdeveloped, basically because it was never actually written, just made up as they approached it. Good stuff though, and it led to some interesting discussion and goggling.
Grade: B- director's cut with added gore would receive an A

Midnight Meat Train: This is one that our friends brought. In hearing the title- I thought it could have been a porn. A recently made film, Bradley Cooper (yum) plays a photographer that is working on an assignment about life in the city at night. He captures the last known photos of a handful of people, as they disappear forever after boarding the subway. That's because that dude from Gone in 60 Seconds that doesn't talk is killing them all and taking their bodies to the underworld for feed time. I fell asleep a little, because I am old, so I missed a few things. But this film is by far the goriest film I have ever seen, including the modern "Amityville Horror." Hey, that one had a hot guy too.
Grade: B

So- go home and turn on your Cox on Demand (dirty), and see if you can find some more movie gold.

I really should title these more consistently so you know it is a blog about idol

Vote off night where 5 go to 4.

Randy- that shirt is from disco week. Did Paula get her boobs done? Simon, your shirt is so thin I can see your nipples. Still love you. Didn't say anything about Kara, because she deserves a break.

So- there is a shit storm of performances. Taylor Hicks, the loser we forgot about, Natalie Cole, who would be nothing without a duet with her dead dad, and Jaime Foxx the sellout extraordinaire.
These commercials are so stupid.

Medley on the stairs. Dancing can't be too hard, since they are singing live again. Why couldn't Matt sing like this last night? I have a big crush on Kris, but his pants are a little tight. Adam makes me feel like he is trying to picture me naked (which makes me uncomfortable), and Danny Gokey makes me feel like he is trying to steal my wallet. You may have noticed that I didn't mention Allison. It is because I am a little bit over her.

Why is Justin Long wearing a cardigan in the new Mac commercial? And I am not at all excited about this Dance Flick horse shit.

I realllllly have to pee. Why do I have to watch them bake a cake? Seriously? Danny is an asshole, and has not respect. Who else would destroy a kitchen like that. Maybe he is used to his dead wife cleaning up his messes. AND RYAN GIVES HIM A BILL FOR THE CLEAN UP. How rad would it be if he actually had to pay it. But his response only proves further that he sucks.

They bring everybody on stage for the results... Matt is placed on the left side of the stage. Danny- blah blah blah. He gives some Miss SC speech. bet you forgot about her after that Miss California stuff. Danny is upper right. Allison- wow. she is really dull. upper right. Kris- has my heart, so what does it really matter- he is already a winner. ;) but he goes left. Adam makes the dorkiest faces when he is geeking out with excitement- ooooooh Adam has to guess which group he belongs with.... aka the ones NOT in the bottom two. He chooses Allison and Danny... and is told that he shouldn't be there... because HE IS IN THE BOTTOM THREE. I believe that I said that his fan base was too secure... I knew it.

Matt wants to kill himself. He is too weak for this. Randy is so dumb... he pretends like he and Jaime are BFFS. can we stop the "bah duh duh. bah Duh duh." it is really annoying. HOLY SHIT .. Kara says.. "my jaw dropped. my mouth was open, that is what happens with Adam around." HAHA. Randy coughs, Paula gets it too late, and Ryan distracts everyone with a shiny object. One thing that Kara has really done well this season is create more innuendo. Which I love, as I am a dirty, dirty perv.

So, let's talk about people that are only famous because of who their parents are..... Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Kim Kardashian and Natalie Cole. Let the rumor start here- she is using again. She is too skinny, and has a big q-tip head. This songs sucks, and she is flat. BTW- when the first thing someone says to you is "you look great,"it is because they want to say something nice, and they don't have anything nice to say about your performance. Oh, she is touring in Korea. Awesome. 3 of the 4 judges look at her with fake smiles on their faces, thankful that they don't have to say anything, and thankful that it is over. I will let you guess which one looks like there is a brand new puppy onstage with a bow on it.

Here is the thing with Taylor Hicks... his voice- I love- especially tonight. Like, as I type and look at the keyboard (yeah, i know) I WANT to look up and check him out. But I look up and see a spazzo. Granted, it is much better than before. And they have taught him how to play guitar to re-channel some of that nervous energy. I really dig his whole song and such, it is just too bad that it isn't main stream marketable. I think when Katherine McPhee lost to him, she probably shit herself, not realizing that the prom queen doesn't always rise to the top. Sometimes she gets too cocky, and people want the underdog to win.I really don't remember him being this cute... I feel like I am in a parallel universe.

Bringing out the bottom three. Kris goes to the safe zone. He is so cute, and Matt has gone from suicidal to pissing himself. Because he realizes that he is in the bottom with Adam, so it is a show in upheaval. Also. I could WRITE this show. I think I mentioned last night that Adam's fans shouldn't get comfortable. It is time to teach them a lesson, and feed their addiction for another week.

I really can't stand that Mary from the dance show screaming all the time. It is not amusing. It is lame.

Ugh. "Blame It"... haha. Simon makes a joke about Jaime being his best friend (making fun of Randy) but he isn't miked, so they miss it. This song is even worse live.(because of the 'meta-phalanger'- thx boyf) Let me list all the things I would rather be listening to:
-children screaming
-juicy farts coming from the stall next to me in the bathroom
- a random stranger's story about an ingrown toe nail
-metal on metal
-a cat in heat
-a George W. speech

It's over. But now I have to hear him talk. Randy looks validated, because Jaime announces publicly what he told him earlier. Why is he relevant? Oh, "these people are true artists," not like the sell out that he is. Now he is "waxing" Paula. OH THERE IT IS. He says "I've got a movie out called the soloist." That is why we see him. I forgot about that, because I have already decided that I am not going to see it. I am not interested in movies that are such a blatant attempt for an academy award nod. I liken it to Cuba in "Radio." He thought that was IT. Then went on to such critically acclaimed smash hits as "Boat Trip," and "Snow Dogs."

Here we go.... Adam is safe. Matt needs to be placed on suicide watch. He is too sensitive, I tell you.. here is the montage- beginning with the "save." Simon calls everything right. He told him in the beginning that he needed to believe in himself more. Super Matt fan friend of mine- I am really sorry for you. But we can go to Vegas and see him perform in a piano bar. He needs to slay some pussy and get some more confidence. Own it a little more. ROCK AND ROLL NEXT WEEK!!! :) I really hope that Adam does, like, KISS with full make up. Slash is the guest judge and that is amazing.
There are no links right now, because I am using the boyf's Mac, and it is not really easy. So- tomorrow is another day (I would have linked Scarlett O'Hara if I could).

love in an elevator

The title is a little misleading. Because I did not experience "love" in the elevator this morning... I experienced nausea from walking into a fart zone. I was coming back from a meeting off site and walked into the elevator as a dude made a quick exit. I now know why he was so quick to exit- he farted in there. This leads me to educate people on proper elevator ettiquette. Here goes:

- Obviously, don't fart in the elevator. Apparently some people need to be reminded.
- When you enter, create balance and space with the others in the elevator. There is nothing worse than two people in an elevator standing right next to you. Don't get all up in mah grill in an enclosed space.
- If you are towards the top floor, don't stand near the door. I work in a building with 30+ floors. I exit on the first floor of my elevator bank, yet am frequently pushed to the back corner so that people who exit on the last stop can stand up front. I then have to squeeze by them to exit. Which leads me to the next one....
-If you are stuck up front, and it isn't your floor- pop OUT to let people out. It is much nicer than squishing your ass into the person already squished in the corner. Simply keep your hand in front of the door, and it will stay open. That gives it the added bonus of people thinking you are a lady/gentleman, when really you are just trying to get back in.
-If the elevator is full, wait for the next one. This is a rule i follow based on an irrational fear from childhood. I used to read those "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" books. One time I read this story called Room for One More, and it haunts me to this day. Every time someone says that, I politely smile, say "no thanks," and wait for them to plummet to their deaths.
-If the button is lit, don't push it again. It doesn't make it go faster.

I could go on, but you get the idea. So, please, the next time you take an elevator ride, please think of the possibility of someone entering after you, and pinch that fart back.

Taking it Back to the Old School

So, I am blogging on location today at the parent’s house. Not that it really matters to you… it doesn’t affect how you read it… BUT it may affect how I write it.

Intros, blah blah. I was in the other room. I came in just in time to see that the douche bag Jaime Fox is the Guest Judge for Big Band week, a qualification he earned by playing Ray Charles in a movie. Apparently he is classically trained, yet has no problem selling out with piece of shit songs like “Blame It.” You know what you SHOULD blame on the "al- a- a- a- uh alcohol?" Telling Miley Cyrus to get a venerial disease . Scum bag. Anyway- I am a hypocritical asshole for this reason: I expect people to understand that I can do and be many things. However, I have a hard time seeing certain celebrities in another light. Jaime Foxx is still that ass clown that came at the end of Living Color, right before it was cancelled.

Kris Allen “the way you look tonight.” One of my favorite songs ever, and apparently Jaime is impressed. Practically offers to record an album with him. It is too early to tell how serious he is. HE might be like Paula and love everyone. Hey- Kris- the microphone can be removed from the stand… oh shit, we are getting big bandy in here…. He makes me giggle like a schoolgirl when he looks at me with those bedroom eyes. The youngest sister, watching for the first time this season says “weak ending.” She is not easily swayed by cuteness of boys. I trained her that way because I don't want o be an aunt too early. Judges love it. Paula’s dress looks like an origami project. One thing that Kris does well- take Simon’s criticism. What the heck does he mean by “it’s wet.” I appreciate the “like walking a cocker spaniel… safe and nice” comment.

The younger sister, essentially my twin and I sing along to the Mini Sirloin Burgers commercial. Rad.

Stool time with Ryan… Allison, who turned 17 yesterday is allowed to show us that she has an actual personality. Jaime Foxx says something lame about her not being old enough to be in love, while I am sure she has a friend of a friend that is pregnant. Just saying, kids grow up quick these days. Also- she looks 27. I like the richer hair color. My mother walks across the house to say… “wow. She atucally has a decent outfit on.” Sister laughs, and mom (who says she doesn’t watch) says "no. you should see some of her outfits.” Calling you out mom. You watch. Judges blah blah. I am trying the new thing that Simon does and kinda stare off blankly. Simon says she is good but because she has the personality of a carrot, she is in trouble. Kara does her “trying to be the cool aunt” call out and spaz arm movements to tell Simon he is wrong. Ha. You know what I am talking about.... that lady is just old enough to not really be relevant anymore, but thinks she is still hip and with it. THAT is Kara.

Stool time with Ryan. Matt is in a really dorky hat. Sister says “heyyyyy gums.” I can’t hear “My Funny Valentine” without thinking about Janice from Friends.Ha, she had big gums too! So, apparently, Jaime Foxx let Matt leave the room without criticizing him, and then had an “oh shit” moment and let him back in. And gave some actual criticism, like "stop the dog and pony show with the notes and scales and actually sing a little bit." I am not sure how I feel, but after last week, we know that Matt fans are crazy. What?!?! Randy says it’s “pitchy.” Gasp. Randy never uses THAT phrase. Matt just “whatevered” Kara… not a good idea. Paula feels a connection, when no one else does. She feels the emotional connections from rocks. They have an aura after all. Simon, just to be fun, disagrees with Randy and calls him brilliant.

Danny Gokey, the ass clown. Jaime Foxx got up in his grill to help him perform better. Ugh. So Danny actually sang tonight, instead of resting on the wind from the dead wife vote. “I would not want to be that microphone.”-sister. “why?”-me “it seems to be covered in spittle.” Ha. I am so filled with hatred for him that I can no longer judge him fairly. I ask the sister, and she says. “Meh, it was ok. But I wouldn’t give him all the credit THEY do.” Then I decided I didn’t want to write about him anymore.

Adam is doing “Feeling Good” and Jaime loved it and rambles and cries Paula style. Has Adam gotten a little face pudge? HA. The stairs are electric pink. I love that he never says… “ I would like it to be more masculine.” His kinda orgasmy singing style is a little much sometimes… but HOLY SHIT what an amazing ending. When he finishes , he smiles proudly like he is waiting for the Miss America crown. The judges nut all over him. Simon may have said the best stuff- “randy’s comment about you being too theatrical is kinda like complaining about a cow mooing.” He then makes a statement about society’s view of winning, and how it is good to go for what you want and make an effort to compete, instead of accepting your mom’s pat on the back.

Matt and Allison are bottom two, unless, by some freak accident, Adam’s fans decide not to vote this week.

Bears, So hot right now

Apparently I am not the only person who has gone Bear Crazy. After spending some time on Digg this weekend, I found that most males between the age of 16 and 26 are quite obsessed with bears as well. Here are a few of the top stories:

I shall call him, Bear. A pregnant woman, walking briskly to avoid a bear attack was struck by a slow moving vehicle (she's ok). Apparently she thought the bear was just curious about her, and is sad that it was captured and euthanized(after she identified him in a line up, apparently). She vowed that her child, boy or girl, will be given the middle name of "Bear."




This video, uploaded to you tube over 3 years ago, shows the hot dog eating champion of the world taking on, you guessed it, a bear. Hilarious. the commentators remind me of Jason Bateman and that guy from Office Space in Dodgeball, adding a level of seriousness to utter insanity.

And, for a farm and fuzzy to start your Monday... here is a big bear hug .