May 5, 2009

That Rock n Roll Music- Any Old Way You Choose It (Idol Recap)

So- tonight is Rock and Roll night and I have been excited for a week. SO- chances are, this will suck because what does American Idol know about Rock and Roll? If you want to argue with me- just think of all the medleys. Nuff said.

In "no shit, Sherlock" news: Paula Abdul was addicted to pain killers. If you didn't know that, I have another shocker for you: Adam Lambert likes dudes. And if you didn't know that... then I have a time share in the Caribbean that I would like to talk to you about.

It has been "an unconventional day" at Idol.. apparently the tower fell. And stopped the run-through. Too bad Lil Rounds isn't around to use that as an excuse.

Added bonus- duets tonight.

What the hell is Kara wearing. This is not a Joan Jett concert. HOLY SHIT. Adam looks HI-larious. I will need to link a photo later.

Slash- I wonder when he stopped counting how many chicks he nailed. Probably not soon after he stopped counting how many packs a day he smoked. Slash will be mentoring from the club- with full band packing the idols. (insert nervous laughter from Allison and Danny).

Adam is first. And singing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." I will rip him if he ruins it. Because it is one of my faves. his hair is re-dick. Not really surprised he chose this. Most of his performances have moaning and latent sexual undertones. Once again, tweens across the country need an explanation for that fuzzy feeling in their bajingos. Okay- I want to punch Kara in the face because I am so over her. Paula looks really nice. Simon-agrees that it is one of the best Rock and Roll songs of all time. Why aren't we together again? I never thought I would hear Zeppelin on Idol- but I am not upset. I would be if Danny sang it.

Allison's transformation into Kelly Clarkson is nearly complete. Cool beans. Stool time with Ryan. Yet another opportunity for Allison to TRY to show us she has a personality. Taking on Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to "bring it." Her voice is awesome. Duh. Randy "kept it real" and told her he "didn't feel it." I should play the "randy cliche drinking game." Kara wished she did "Piece of my Heart." Agreed. Paula is a tool. Simon says she wasn't original enough. So Allison is getting sassy with Simon, and being a 17 year old girl. Showing personality is nice, but people don't always appreciate a sassy asshole. I should know. That is why I do it here, where people can kiss my ass and click somewhere else. ;)

So- here is a duet--- Renegade- Kris and Danny. This song is awesome. I guess Danny's idea of rock is a big chain around his neck. He refuses to wear leather apparently. This kinda sucks. Kris is having tempo problems. And Danny is yelling. Boo. The judges are critiquing this? Kara calls it out as being lame because these guys are so white bread, and not in fear of the long arm of the law. Wait. They PICKED this song?!? Whadda ya know... Danny blames the lack of a full dress rehearsal for the suck. Typical.

Kris is going to do a Beatles number. Can't say that I am surprised. Stool time with Ryan. He had originally picked "Revolution," and it didn't feel right because he is vanilla, and would revolt against nothing. He will do Come Together and play guitar. I actually prefer the Aerosmith version to the Beatles version, personally. I feel like it is a Guitar Hero performance. Why does Idol like to light everything so their hair looks purple? Annoying. It makes me feel like I am losing it. Why does Randy repeat so much? Kara thinks he is trying to hard, like she is with the outfit. Simon says it was like "eating ice for lunch- it leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards. " He is my soul mate. The ladies in the audience are not okay with him. I hope he has security walk him to the car.

Ass clown Gokey will ruin "Dream On." Surprise, he wants to yell at us. And it is inspirational with the "dreaming till your dream come trueeeeeeee." I don't know that I can watch it, and I don't know that I can handle the repercussions of typing my ACTUAL feelings on it.... the boyf's sister apparently thinks I go too far on the Danny bashing. Can't help it... he sucks, and he is playing America like a fiddle. I feel the need to intervene on this domestic terrorist- or I couldn't sleep at night.

Local news will have a story about the blind guy tonight. Remember him?

Gokey performance- too much purple; he is not Prince. He sounds like he got punched in the balls, and the ending screech is like a cat in heat. I swear, America. You dial in for this douche, and I am moving to Canada. I will disown you. Thank you Kara for saying that it was too much. The fist pumping has to stop, Kara. We are holding an intervention. Watch that- you will thank me later. Simon says he sucked but will prolly be safe. I am hoping that is his attempt to make America comfy so that they don't dial for dollars.

Duet- Slowride from Allison and Adam. I cannot hear this song and not think of one of the best movies in the history of the world, Dazed and Confused. I kinda tuned out on the performance, instead choosing to watch Matthew McConaughey in peach pants. I love you tube. The audience loved it... so-duh. Paula calls it a perfect marriage. Adam is like-"shit, I guess that is my only chance at marriage, right Miss California?" ;) I am going to bite my tongue now. Except to say that this isn't a modeling picture, it is a sex-text shot. I should know (cmon- I dated a Marine). If you want "modeling shots that could be confused as porn," go to model mayhem.

Recap showed Danny's terrible finish (that should be a porn title). As bad as it hurts to hear it again, it is a reminder for America. It is time to end this party.

1 comment:

Casedilla said...

Mars. This is hilarious. Thank you. I wish I had known you blog about Idol. Definetly not like eating ice or whatever the hell Simon said. I look forward to next week, now that it's almost over!