May 4, 2009

I know what you did this weekend

So, this weekend I had a pretty serious helping of horror flicks. Here is a review of them all for your pleasure.

Friday- They youngest sister and I decided to use the "On Demand" feature on our Cox Cable package. Free movies-Fearnet. We picked the movies passe on their plot summaries.

If I Die Before I Wake: So- the cinematography is a little high school handheld. The entire set up of the film takes 3 minutes, where the camera pans through the house and all the bedrooms. Then, the bad guys enter. The 16 year old girl hides with the 6 year old girl, so that the bad guys don't find them. Note to self- buy a 5 ft tall stuffed dalmatian to hide behind in case of emergency. The acting is pretty terrible, and the script was probably written by a sophomore in high school. Things escalate rather quickly, and some people die. The 16 year old girl turns straight up Bruce Willis as John McClane. If you are looking for a film that will make you yell at the screen, and feel like you need to take a shower, then this is right for you. Just hope that you don't mind bad teeth.
Grade: B-

The New Kids: Lori Laughlin. James Spader. Eric Stoltz. How do you say no? For the first hour, you don't remember that you are watching a horror film. With the amazing work out montages, upbeat soundtrack, and Lori Laughlin's bangs- you are right in the middle of pure 80's heaven. Then- you remember that the kids (lori and some random dude) are working for their Uncle's Santa Claus theme park. Their parent's are dead, and they move to Florida to start fresh- hence the title. They meet some creepy kids, but nothing to crazy. We figured the storyline would develop into "haunted theme park." We waited about an hour... then instead, they decided to have James Spader and his wonderful silk button ups go TOTALLY MENTAL- and kill Lori Laughlins' bunny. We are then taken on a 23 minute tour of "we are hick guys and we get whatever we want." From nearly lighting Lori Laughlin on fire, to shooting her uncle in the stomach, to a trained pitbull attack, to a shoot out in Santa's Village, this movie really escalated quickly. All I know is- if I move to a small town, I will say YES when the creepo asks me out on a date. I don't want my cat Baxter decapitated and dropped into my shower.
Grade: B

Out of the Dark: A serial killer is targeting a group of phone sex operators in L.A. Say what?! Yeah, that is what we thought. This one was by far the best film of Friday night's marathon. This guy, Bobo, would call the ladies and talk about some pretty wicked stuff, and hang up. They didn't hink much of it- until girls started getting killed. The whole movie was funny scary, from the acting to the scripting. Allow me to paraphrase our favorite scene:
We see the owner of the phone sex company asleep in her bed. The phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is the detective. We just discovered the body of a girl in the park. She had your phone number in her pocket, so we think she may have been one of your girls. We are going to need you to identify the body."
"Ok."
"We are really hoping to get this whole thing wrapped up before lunch. We open at 9 am."
"I will be there at 10 am."
"Thanks for your cooperation."
Add a few soft core porn scenes and some gory murders and you have yourself a winner!
Grade: A-

The next night, my sister and I hung out with our "sister soulmates," another group of sisters similar in age and personality. They like cheesy horror as well, and have an amazing collection.

The Baby's Room (English title): I couldn't get my sister to agree to this one the night before- so I worked our friends, and got to watch it. C'mon now. A baby monitor that shows some creepy stuff? Yes! BUT- it was filmed in Spanish- and subtitled. And boring. And slow. And we turned it off after 45 minutes of nothing really happening.

Happy Birthday to Me: Another great 80's flick. A little slow going, this one is about a high school girl that is a part of an elite society at school. The Top Ten, as they are called, cause trouble and inter date a la 90210. We learn that there was some accident and follow up surgery that has made our heroine (some chick from Little House on the Prairie) a little bit out of sorts. There are some gory deaths that apparently were originally filmed grosser- but edited to receive an R rating instead of an X rating. Hilarious to us, considering the movie we watched next, but I digress. Any how- the ending is a little twisty and underdeveloped, basically because it was never actually written, just made up as they approached it. Good stuff though, and it led to some interesting discussion and goggling.
Grade: B- director's cut with added gore would receive an A

Midnight Meat Train: This is one that our friends brought. In hearing the title- I thought it could have been a porn. A recently made film, Bradley Cooper (yum) plays a photographer that is working on an assignment about life in the city at night. He captures the last known photos of a handful of people, as they disappear forever after boarding the subway. That's because that dude from Gone in 60 Seconds that doesn't talk is killing them all and taking their bodies to the underworld for feed time. I fell asleep a little, because I am old, so I missed a few things. But this film is by far the goriest film I have ever seen, including the modern "Amityville Horror." Hey, that one had a hot guy too.
Grade: B

So- go home and turn on your Cox on Demand (dirty), and see if you can find some more movie gold.

4 comments:

Leah said...

Brandon and I watch those cheesy fearnet movies. We watched "If I die before I wake" and "The New Kids", yea, corny movies but yet, we seem to always finish them. We were going to watch "Happy Bithday to me" until we started reading subtitles and I got bored instantly! I am glad we are not the only ones that indulge in that crap:)

Leah said...

or I meant "The baby's room" about the subtitles.... oh well

Marissa said...

LOVE IT Leah! I didn't peg you for a scary movie girl. Nice! :)

Sarah said...

How did I not know about these reviews until now?! I was lol'ing. nice work. We need to do that again.