April 29, 2009

I really should title these more consistently so you know it is a blog about idol

Vote off night where 5 go to 4.

Randy- that shirt is from disco week. Did Paula get her boobs done? Simon, your shirt is so thin I can see your nipples. Still love you. Didn't say anything about Kara, because she deserves a break.

So- there is a shit storm of performances. Taylor Hicks, the loser we forgot about, Natalie Cole, who would be nothing without a duet with her dead dad, and Jaime Foxx the sellout extraordinaire.
These commercials are so stupid.

Medley on the stairs. Dancing can't be too hard, since they are singing live again. Why couldn't Matt sing like this last night? I have a big crush on Kris, but his pants are a little tight. Adam makes me feel like he is trying to picture me naked (which makes me uncomfortable), and Danny Gokey makes me feel like he is trying to steal my wallet. You may have noticed that I didn't mention Allison. It is because I am a little bit over her.

Why is Justin Long wearing a cardigan in the new Mac commercial? And I am not at all excited about this Dance Flick horse shit.

I realllllly have to pee. Why do I have to watch them bake a cake? Seriously? Danny is an asshole, and has not respect. Who else would destroy a kitchen like that. Maybe he is used to his dead wife cleaning up his messes. AND RYAN GIVES HIM A BILL FOR THE CLEAN UP. How rad would it be if he actually had to pay it. But his response only proves further that he sucks.

They bring everybody on stage for the results... Matt is placed on the left side of the stage. Danny- blah blah blah. He gives some Miss SC speech. bet you forgot about her after that Miss California stuff. Danny is upper right. Allison- wow. she is really dull. upper right. Kris- has my heart, so what does it really matter- he is already a winner. ;) but he goes left. Adam makes the dorkiest faces when he is geeking out with excitement- ooooooh Adam has to guess which group he belongs with.... aka the ones NOT in the bottom two. He chooses Allison and Danny... and is told that he shouldn't be there... because HE IS IN THE BOTTOM THREE. I believe that I said that his fan base was too secure... I knew it.

Matt wants to kill himself. He is too weak for this. Randy is so dumb... he pretends like he and Jaime are BFFS. can we stop the "bah duh duh. bah Duh duh." it is really annoying. HOLY SHIT .. Kara says.. "my jaw dropped. my mouth was open, that is what happens with Adam around." HAHA. Randy coughs, Paula gets it too late, and Ryan distracts everyone with a shiny object. One thing that Kara has really done well this season is create more innuendo. Which I love, as I am a dirty, dirty perv.

So, let's talk about people that are only famous because of who their parents are..... Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Kim Kardashian and Natalie Cole. Let the rumor start here- she is using again. She is too skinny, and has a big q-tip head. This songs sucks, and she is flat. BTW- when the first thing someone says to you is "you look great,"it is because they want to say something nice, and they don't have anything nice to say about your performance. Oh, she is touring in Korea. Awesome. 3 of the 4 judges look at her with fake smiles on their faces, thankful that they don't have to say anything, and thankful that it is over. I will let you guess which one looks like there is a brand new puppy onstage with a bow on it.

Here is the thing with Taylor Hicks... his voice- I love- especially tonight. Like, as I type and look at the keyboard (yeah, i know) I WANT to look up and check him out. But I look up and see a spazzo. Granted, it is much better than before. And they have taught him how to play guitar to re-channel some of that nervous energy. I really dig his whole song and such, it is just too bad that it isn't main stream marketable. I think when Katherine McPhee lost to him, she probably shit herself, not realizing that the prom queen doesn't always rise to the top. Sometimes she gets too cocky, and people want the underdog to win.I really don't remember him being this cute... I feel like I am in a parallel universe.

Bringing out the bottom three. Kris goes to the safe zone. He is so cute, and Matt has gone from suicidal to pissing himself. Because he realizes that he is in the bottom with Adam, so it is a show in upheaval. Also. I could WRITE this show. I think I mentioned last night that Adam's fans shouldn't get comfortable. It is time to teach them a lesson, and feed their addiction for another week.

I really can't stand that Mary from the dance show screaming all the time. It is not amusing. It is lame.

Ugh. "Blame It"... haha. Simon makes a joke about Jaime being his best friend (making fun of Randy) but he isn't miked, so they miss it. This song is even worse live.(because of the 'meta-phalanger'- thx boyf) Let me list all the things I would rather be listening to:
-children screaming
-juicy farts coming from the stall next to me in the bathroom
- a random stranger's story about an ingrown toe nail
-metal on metal
-a cat in heat
-a George W. speech

It's over. But now I have to hear him talk. Randy looks validated, because Jaime announces publicly what he told him earlier. Why is he relevant? Oh, "these people are true artists," not like the sell out that he is. Now he is "waxing" Paula. OH THERE IT IS. He says "I've got a movie out called the soloist." That is why we see him. I forgot about that, because I have already decided that I am not going to see it. I am not interested in movies that are such a blatant attempt for an academy award nod. I liken it to Cuba in "Radio." He thought that was IT. Then went on to such critically acclaimed smash hits as "Boat Trip," and "Snow Dogs."

Here we go.... Adam is safe. Matt needs to be placed on suicide watch. He is too sensitive, I tell you.. here is the montage- beginning with the "save." Simon calls everything right. He told him in the beginning that he needed to believe in himself more. Super Matt fan friend of mine- I am really sorry for you. But we can go to Vegas and see him perform in a piano bar. He needs to slay some pussy and get some more confidence. Own it a little more. ROCK AND ROLL NEXT WEEK!!! :) I really hope that Adam does, like, KISS with full make up. Slash is the guest judge and that is amazing.
There are no links right now, because I am using the boyf's Mac, and it is not really easy. So- tomorrow is another day (I would have linked Scarlett O'Hara if I could).


melissa said...

I love these recaps! You totally crack me up! I even have my idol-lovin mom stalking you now too!

Gomba said...

The widower is a pedophile. I'll be on watch from now on and the second I see inappropriate touching again on youngins I'll be calling the authorities.

Nice blog again =]