April 28, 2009

Taking it Back to the Old School

So, I am blogging on location today at the parent’s house. Not that it really matters to you… it doesn’t affect how you read it… BUT it may affect how I write it.

Intros, blah blah. I was in the other room. I came in just in time to see that the douche bag Jaime Fox is the Guest Judge for Big Band week, a qualification he earned by playing Ray Charles in a movie. Apparently he is classically trained, yet has no problem selling out with piece of shit songs like “Blame It.” You know what you SHOULD blame on the "al- a- a- a- uh alcohol?" Telling Miley Cyrus to get a venerial disease . Scum bag. Anyway- I am a hypocritical asshole for this reason: I expect people to understand that I can do and be many things. However, I have a hard time seeing certain celebrities in another light. Jaime Foxx is still that ass clown that came at the end of Living Color, right before it was cancelled.

Kris Allen “the way you look tonight.” One of my favorite songs ever, and apparently Jaime is impressed. Practically offers to record an album with him. It is too early to tell how serious he is. HE might be like Paula and love everyone. Hey- Kris- the microphone can be removed from the stand… oh shit, we are getting big bandy in here…. He makes me giggle like a schoolgirl when he looks at me with those bedroom eyes. The youngest sister, watching for the first time this season says “weak ending.” She is not easily swayed by cuteness of boys. I trained her that way because I don't want o be an aunt too early. Judges love it. Paula’s dress looks like an origami project. One thing that Kris does well- take Simon’s criticism. What the heck does he mean by “it’s wet.” I appreciate the “like walking a cocker spaniel… safe and nice” comment.

The younger sister, essentially my twin and I sing along to the Mini Sirloin Burgers commercial. Rad.

Stool time with Ryan… Allison, who turned 17 yesterday is allowed to show us that she has an actual personality. Jaime Foxx says something lame about her not being old enough to be in love, while I am sure she has a friend of a friend that is pregnant. Just saying, kids grow up quick these days. Also- she looks 27. I like the richer hair color. My mother walks across the house to say… “wow. She atucally has a decent outfit on.” Sister laughs, and mom (who says she doesn’t watch) says "no. you should see some of her outfits.” Calling you out mom. You watch. Judges blah blah. I am trying the new thing that Simon does and kinda stare off blankly. Simon says she is good but because she has the personality of a carrot, she is in trouble. Kara does her “trying to be the cool aunt” call out and spaz arm movements to tell Simon he is wrong. Ha. You know what I am talking about.... that lady is just old enough to not really be relevant anymore, but thinks she is still hip and with it. THAT is Kara.

Stool time with Ryan. Matt is in a really dorky hat. Sister says “heyyyyy gums.” I can’t hear “My Funny Valentine” without thinking about Janice from Friends.Ha, she had big gums too! So, apparently, Jaime Foxx let Matt leave the room without criticizing him, and then had an “oh shit” moment and let him back in. And gave some actual criticism, like "stop the dog and pony show with the notes and scales and actually sing a little bit." I am not sure how I feel, but after last week, we know that Matt fans are crazy. What?!?! Randy says it’s “pitchy.” Gasp. Randy never uses THAT phrase. Matt just “whatevered” Kara… not a good idea. Paula feels a connection, when no one else does. She feels the emotional connections from rocks. They have an aura after all. Simon, just to be fun, disagrees with Randy and calls him brilliant.

Danny Gokey, the ass clown. Jaime Foxx got up in his grill to help him perform better. Ugh. So Danny actually sang tonight, instead of resting on the wind from the dead wife vote. “I would not want to be that microphone.”-sister. “why?”-me “it seems to be covered in spittle.” Ha. I am so filled with hatred for him that I can no longer judge him fairly. I ask the sister, and she says. “Meh, it was ok. But I wouldn’t give him all the credit THEY do.” Then I decided I didn’t want to write about him anymore.

Adam is doing “Feeling Good” and Jaime loved it and rambles and cries Paula style. Has Adam gotten a little face pudge? HA. The stairs are electric pink. I love that he never says… “ I would like it to be more masculine.” His kinda orgasmy singing style is a little much sometimes… but HOLY SHIT what an amazing ending. When he finishes , he smiles proudly like he is waiting for the Miss America crown. The judges nut all over him. Simon may have said the best stuff- “randy’s comment about you being too theatrical is kinda like complaining about a cow mooing.” He then makes a statement about society’s view of winning, and how it is good to go for what you want and make an effort to compete, instead of accepting your mom’s pat on the back.

Matt and Allison are bottom two, unless, by some freak accident, Adam’s fans decide not to vote this week.


Sarah said...

I should guest comment more often.

Marissa said...

You should. It is a LETHAL combination.