Al Roker- Hard Hitting Journalist

In case you never turn it to NBC, let me fill you in on the last few weeks. They are coming to you "live" from Costa Rica (?) with "I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!" 4 nights a week. "Celebrities" like Lou Diamond Phillips and Frangela compete to stay on the island. Kinda like Big Brother meets Surreal Life meets Survivor. Heidi ans Spencer from The Hills were on again, off again with the show. After leaving the show last week- I thought I had NBC back... until their interview with Al Roker. You know Al Roker- the teddy bear, sweet and cuddly weatherman on NBC's Today Show? Apparently his evil twin interviewed "speidi" because here is what they had to say:

"To be honest, I would never be interviewed by that man again...I really would advise women especially to be careful around him, because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me, and I did not appreciate that at all," groused Heidi.

Right- Al Roker the misogynist pig. I hope he sues her for slander. (click on the link to watch him attack Heidi with verocity!)

Al's response (via twitter): "Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. famous for...being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15."

From your lips to God's ears, Al. :)

well- obvi

In case you ladies were maybe holding out some hope of carrying a cute little Glambert baby.... Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up officially came out on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Good thing my roommate still has her subscription- since I canceled my "free if you buy a certain amount at Best Buy" subscription a few months ago. I am excited to read more, especially after this little nugget:

"Lambert also revealed a crush on Allen, who was his roommate for much of the two singers' run on "American Idol."

"He's the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show: nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type -- except that he has a wife," Lambert joked."

Welcome to my world, Adam.... welcome to my world.

I'm A Blogger, Don't Make Me Watch It!!

So- I have really done a shitty job in keeping up with this in the past week and a half... so, I'm sorry.

So- my boyf suggested that i blog about "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," and I thought it was pure genius. I am taking it like Joel McKale- I watch it, so you don't have to. This will be wonderful.

How do I know Damien Fahey? he looks familiar... MTV? And then there is the token british/australian host that is hot.

wait a second..... this is Monday - Thursday?!?! I don't know what I am doing...

Boyf asked how they are "live" when they showeds all this extra footage. I remind him that they have been on the island for 48 hours at this point..

Here is ther cast:

-The "world's first supermodel" Janice Dickinson.
- Flesh colored beard, Spencer "the super villain"
- Heidi, his idiot "wife" that thinks this is a spa vacation
- Some wrestling diva- Tori Wilson- the boyf is familiar with her
- Stephen Baldwin- the least cool Baldwin brother.
- Frangela- from Best Week Ever, back when it was good- that gap toothed guy sucks
- LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS! La bamba- who just wanted to be relevant again
- Sanjaya- the "vote for the worst" goober. And he has a long haired mohawk.
- Some NBA guy who is afraid of spiders
- The Blagoyavich ( i don't care about spelling this correctly) wife- that isn't a celebrity- crazy that her husband wasn't allowed to travel...

So- First seven minutes- bloggo's wife is nearly taken away by the current. Thank you Heidi, for the running commentary.

Wait- apparently that was only one team... there are teams? There are more D- list celebrities to see? But then we go back to the same people we know--- and half of frangela falls in the water. apparently the fran part. She is hanging in there- and stephen is concerned because she is a chubbo. Baldwin has elected himself as team leader. I give it 6 hours before the team revolts. he is uber condescending. Does Frangela count as one person?

Okay- apparently the red team is Janice, Speidi and the basketball player, John. Heidi asked if the monkey in the tree is real... and then Spencer yells at it. Oh- and bloggo's wife is red team too. This show sucks.

Surprise! The camp is like Swiss Family Robinson. Janice Dickinson looks even worse without makeup. Heidi says " I don't know if I can really do this." I was thinking the same thing... Are Heidi and Spencer one person too?

Oh- the biritish girl was a "celebrity" on the British version... that apparently makes her relevant. Has NBC just given up? This bullshit plus Jay every night in prime time... I mean, really?

So yellow and red are at camp together, and Sanjaya is exhausted. So- the big basketball guy is a vegan......

Heidi and Spencer have a creepy conversation about how they can't snuggle, etc- and how she can't NOT have sex with him for that long. I get the idea of not being able to have sex for three weeks- but if I were in a fake television relationship with Spencer Pratt, sex would be the last thing on my mind. And..... there are Spencer and Heidi ready to leave. Lou Diamond Phillips says, "but hey- the charities won't get any money if you leave," and Spencer says "that's why we picked two of the biggest charities there are." Good attitude.

HAHAHA. He says that the cast is devaluing his fame. Actually, I think that is his flesh colored beard. Oh God- it has only been 26 minutes..... I am beginning to think this is a bad idea.

These hosts are essentially worthless. Hey, What do you know? The Heidi and Spencer saga is not over. Lou Diamond Phillips is attempting to be the voice of reason. I actually want to hang out with him, because he realizes that they are posers.

Wait- Sanjaya's lower third says "pop star." On what planet? did he release an album? Now he and Speidi do a fire dance while everyone is asleep.

Earlier- I said I would give it until 7:45 before I gave up. It is 7:33, and I just looked over at the boyf.... he told me to hang in there.....

So Speidi tries to leave again, and in response to their bullshit, the rest of the "celebrities" divide up their stuff. Frangela takes Heidi's hairspray- and then we see a clip of Speidi back- and PISSED. Surprise!!

I look at the boyf- I ask him to give me strength (hey, it worked for speidi).

Commercial for Conan o'Brien. Now, THAT is a show that I can get on board with.

Spencer said he is going to cook Sanjaya for dinner for taking their cot. And then things really escalate when Spencer tosses the water bottle out of fran's hands.... And here is the jerry springer aspect... let's yell. And then Heidi has her Oscar moment and cries about people taking the labels off her dry shampoo. And Janice takes Spencer's side. BLAH BLAH YELL BLAH Spencer gets attention. And then the Baldwin says "I've heard of Juingle fever- but this is crazy!" And apparently- Spencer is a new Christian... Heidi says he is having trouble transitioning.

Wait- I think i got the fran and gela confused. They talk about how speidi are like kids, and how they say "mommy, I hate you. and you can't get mad- because they don't really hate you, they just wanted a balloon." How true.

Now we get to hear spencer's game plan on how to build alliance.... it reminds me of the speech in Billy Madison... The link is my response.

Now the hosts are introducing themselves, and announce that instead of the red and yellow teams, it is men vs women... Speidi is not pleased. Or so they WANT YOU TO THINK! Apparently, it is spencer and heidi vs EVERYONE!!

Spencer hides torrie's bag. And heidi is proud, because he didn't throw it in the water. And then... he apologizes, apparently because that is WJWD. But it was all part of Spencer's evil plan... what a fucking tool. I have made it an hour in... I deserve a present.

There is a heavy dsicussion about whether we watch the next hour...

my reward for making it an hour is some cheese. Now it is food challenge time. They have a cheesy little "jungle diner" ANd Heidi is running her mouth. guys v. girls to win food. One team eats well (chicken and fruit), the other eats rice and beans. Heidi v. the basketball vegan eating a rat tail. BBAll guy just swallows it. Beats heidi. Sanjaya vs fran. some kind of animal milkshake. Sanjaya slups it up, and gets the white cream all over his face... gonna say this isn't the first time that has happened.

Then I missed a little because I chose to clean up cat litter. I got my cat, Baxter a self cleaning litter box a few months back. Let's just say self cleaning isn't excalty true. He makes a mess.

They go through some more... and then Heidi vs. the basketball guy- and he again, just picks up the scorpions and swallows. Then Sanjaya vs. fran or gela- and he deep throats an iguana tail. That is the key- manageable bites then swallow. You think heidi would know how to swallow. Ok- I am done with the gutter humor. ;)

Oh, hey- did you know that Bloggo's wife thinks that he was always doing the right thing for people? He helped the kids- and was "fighting special interests," and the big money didn't like him. Here is how I know that Bloggo is guilty-> Spencer would vote for him for president. The rest of this conversation doens't matter.

Team leaders are selected... Lou vs. Janice. Something happened.. Lou won. I was taking a facebook quiz. And anyone who knows me knows I REALLY hate those... so-

It is time for the immunity trial, in the trauma tank. Heidi- we get it with the dry shampoo. Stephen was bitten by a "bullet ant."

BTW- if you were afraid of a jungle animal- would you tell anyone? wouldn't you think they would present you with this animal JUST to make good tv? geez. so whichever celeb lasts the longest in the tank ges immunity.

All the celebs are strapped in, minus spencer and heidi- not sure why... then the girls drop like flies after cockroaches and some worms. torrie and stephen have it right. just close your eyes- the bugs aren't going to crawl on you....

and now there is more for tomorrow- apparently... don't know who is gonna watch it. Boo.

This is IT-Make No Mistake Where You Are..the Waiting is OVER! (Idol Recap)

In case you were wondering, I LOVE Kenny Loggins(hence the title). I thought I would be more excited about this night... but I am slightly lackadaisical. I also have a headache- but that makes no difference to you all. I need to get my head in the game.

So-opening montage.... made it look like there was actually a competition last night. For anyone who actually watched it, that is not the case. Joely Fisher is in the audience- and Janice Dickinson. It is the "hottest ticket in town," Ryan says.

100 million votes came in. Really? Do they round up? Is it really 98,567,008 and they bump up? How does that work?

In the judges intro- Ryan cues a video for each of them, making it seem sweet, when all they do is point out their faults. Love it. Randy looks like an idiot... AND THEN THE MOST AMAZING MONTAGE of "for me." Because, in case you didn't know, there are 25 words in his vocabulary, including : yo, dawg, pitchy, you know, didn't feel it, not your thing. Hahaha. Kara's montage includes "honey/sweetie." Which can be SO condescending. Or maybe I am just sensitive. ;) What are they gonna do for Paula? Haha. All the big words she could mutter out. It' great being sober, isn't it Paula? Simon- instead of highlighting that he is the only one worth a damn- they go the way of listing all the times he couldn't hear/didn't get it.

So, the finalists come out in white. And Kris's mik is messed up. AND Adam's.... WHO IS RUNNING THIS SHOW?!?!?!? I love it when they go to their hometowns and rally. In Arkansas, they interview a 4 year old. What does she matter, she can't even dial. In San Diego, last season's tattoo lady is reporting live. She is from San Diego, and mentions how she couldn't bring home the trophy, so Adam better do San Diego proud.

Haha... the best time of this finale... previews of the upcoming tour.. "SO What" with the full 13- I can't believe Pink let them dork up her song like this. Have some standards, seriously. There is some dude up there I totally forgot about. That Puerto Rican guy. Scott is doing an amazing job with the choreography(seriously-I am pleasantly surprised). Hopefully he will be an inspiration to Stevie Wonder, who will get up from behind the piano. Wow. I totally forgot about all these ass clowns. And when you see them all together, it is so obvious that Adam stands out as awesome. I didn't even see Kris...

David Cook, last year's winner is here performing. I was wondering when we where bringing him on. I forgot that there was this two hour bullshit of performances from him, and the lame mixes for the tour and apparently some Surprise Guest performance we won't believe. You should have heard the local fox idiots trying to guess who it would be on last night's show. I swear, I feel dumber watching the Phoenix news. NBC is my morning watching, because Scott and Tram really ARE the perfect morning blend. But as far as the rest of these ass clowns- idiots. Anyone who moves here from a REAL big city can't believe it. It's embarrassing, really. David Cook was sensitive tonight. I don't know that I remember that from him. He looks like a waiter. Did his brother die or something? Sad- I think so. The proceeds of the sale of this song on ITunes are going to some cancer research. That is what I am talking about for Idol Gives Back. God for them.

So now the lame portion where the ass clowns from auditions get one more minute of fame. This is the garbage that is so fake during the audition process. How many of these people realize how bad they are, and how many are total fakers with an itch to get on tv. I feel kinda bad for those that don't know how bad they are. They stand up there totally dejected as even Paula laughs at them. You would think I would be all over that shit. But not when the people aren't in on the joke. The obvious winner for spazziest male is that dude in the metallic shirt that made the top 30 with his dorkiness. He comes up to accept the award. And says some garbage about not being prepared, and just before I was going to bitch about the Idol producers needing to have more control He throws off the jacket and gets his performance on. See- this guy knows exactly what he is doing- trying to start a comedy career. More power to him.

Duet- Something about rain with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifa. Lil Rounds looks great with hair extensions. She actually looks her age. Not like a 35 year old housewife. Queen Latifah's outfit is no bueno. It is kinda like that Jessica Simpson problem, where the outfit makes her look 30 pounds heavier. I bet the people from Jenny Craig are PISSED. Women across the country are pushing away their pre-packaged lasagna casseroles and digging out the ice cream.

So Anoop and that blonde short haired girl start to butcher "I'm Yours." They were probably nervous, becomes then Jason Mraz enters. Harmonies are weird. And that blonde girl sounds like she is starring in "I'm Yours-In the Butt." Seriously- heavy breathing moaning. Terrible. And the full idol cast joins in for the chorus. Can I tell you- If I were a celebrity, I would not be able to attend this night, because I would make faces and laugh at people.

And now a Kris Allen video montage-We remember that Simon told him from the beginning that he needs to grow a pair and stopped being so modest. AND they totally show his beauty queen surprise face that was so beautiful a few episodes ago. His wife is goober. He is now singing with Keith Urban. This is a cute little song about kissing a girl. Perfect for Kris because it is so sweet and unassuming. What the hell is Keith Urban wearing. I think somebody switched his shirt with some 3rd grader's backstage.

Weren't they going to have a green finale or something? Because that is a crazy light display. Hmmmm.

So now the girls are doing "Glamorous." A song from Fergie- two years ago. Their outfits are stupid, and Megan sounds like shit. Oh- because Fergie is here. Looking like a dominatrix. Why is she booked? She doesn't have a new album, does she? Because she isn't singing from it. OH. Here come the Black Eyed Peas. THAT'S RIGHT. They have a new album. Yeah, let's have Fergie stick to back up. I actually really like this song- Boom Boom Boom. This reminds me of those single days that I would spend at "Whiskey River," drinking 25 cent Jack Daniels from 7-9, and then drunkenly dancing to this stuff until at least midnight. It was like a weekend in the middle of the week. And I would make it into work the next morning, ready to rock at 6:30 am. Those were the days. Now I am all coupled up- and way to old.

Next winner for the golden idols. fucking Bikini Girl. I hated her so much. This girl- Alexis who flipped up Simon when he told her she couldn't sing. She was weird. And then there are these people that suck so bad- and don't know it- and are supported by family. And the lame Bikini Girl comes in.... Duh. And she kisses Ryan on the lips and he says the best thing ever..."I was gonna ask you what's new- but I think I know." Because she totally got new boobs. Now she is singing again. Go to the strip club, that is where you belong. Hahah... and now Kara comes in and proves to her that she can sing.... I don't know that bikini girl knew about it... and that is awesome. Because she just looks like an idiot up there next to Kara. And tries to sing over her... Kara is a goober for sure, but she is comfortable enough in her talent and femininity that she doesn't have to prove how great she is by bouncing about in a bikini doing scales. and KARA OPENS UP HER DRESS AT THE END REVEALING A BIKINI UNDERNEATH. That is awesome. Apparently a bet went down, so now Ryan Simon has to pay out to some charity. Wonderful television right there.

Allison and Cyndi Lauper- Rad. I would pay to see this. Allison is so talented. Can't wait for her album. Megan the spac needs to take some cues from Cyndi Lauper- A unique voice that isn't annoying and lame. I am amazed that Allison is totally unfazed by the fact that she is doing a duet with Cyndi Lauper. I would SHIT my pants. I am always amazed at how she carries herself at 17. In stage, at least. Because otherwise she has no personality. I think Cyndi actually came to more than one rehearsal for this. Because they sound amazing together. Awesome. Period. That right there was better than all of last night's show.

Okay- Kris Allen's parents. She is in an evening gown. His dad totally looks like a politician. I think he should run for office in Arkansas. He would totally win. Oh- now we realize that Adam is actually here. Parents are proud.

Ugh- Danny Gokey gets to perform... AND HE DOES LIONEL RICHIE. When I heard this the first time, I thought it was perfect. Slow and jazzy, and lame and the type of song an ass clown would sing, thinking it was about love. Hello, Lionel Richie- Does he have a new album? WTF is he doing here. Where is Nicole? This is so 90's, and LAME and
Caribbean." And it fits exactly what I mentioned above. This is really a perfect pairing of cheese. Gokey would have been a hit in 94. I can't wait to see the "where is he now" episode in a few years, where he has packed on the LBs, singing in casinos and bearded. HAHA Ruben Studdard is here. What a fail of an Idol he was. That whole season was a cluster fuck. Kinda like "Nightmare on Elm Street 2." That was a waste of brain power.

In case you were wondering- I will not be blogging about SO YOU Think You Can Dance. For a few reasons- mary murphy screaming and two nights of blogging. So- It will prolly be bachelorette. It works better in my schedule, and let's be serious. I don't get paid for this, so I gotta make it work.

And now the video montage of Adam. I don't really remember him in the auditions. And he has gotten microdermabrasion, so that is good. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HE IS WEARING A JACKET WITH BARBED WIRE WINGS. I know that I know this song, but I can't place it. Something about Beth, and how he can't make it because him and the boys will be playing all night. And Adam sings it kinda dirty, like- all those who aren't sure- I am talking about playing with the dudes in a sexual manner. And then KISS. So, Adam is the most normal looking person on stage right now. Holy shit, this is amazing. I want to rock and roll all night and party every day in detroit rock city. Well- I think we know who is the real rock star of these two finalists. Let's not even pretend anymore.

It's 8:23, and we haven't had the Ryan "right after this..." yet. Thank you to whomever decided to actually put content in a episode for once.

So- Carlos Santana is up. Apparently he has a two year gig at Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Hm. I love his guitar skills- we will just have to see what the show would consist of. Because if it was two hours of him playing guitar- Her is my money. But if it is two hours of him playing guitar while lame Vegas performers sing- no bueno. So- Matt came in and did the vocals for black magic woman. And now Smooth- One of my least favorite songs ever. Adam- the puerto rican guy- Kris- and the Gokester Sing. Adam's ass looks fat in those pants. Then this weird full cast sing a long in the round. HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Scott got a little to close to the stage for my liking. And Megan is next to him, so I don't trust that he is safe. She might use her witch power to push him off, hands free.

The last Ford Video. Weird. And now- a big surprise for Adam and Kris with David Cook- keys to a new fusion hybrid. And Adam laughs. Great.

Steve Martin- Megan Joy and David Sarver. Would you ever imagine that in your wildest dreams? I am chatting online with the boyf, and he says "steve martin is playing a fucking banjo."The creative director for this show needs a raise. Did they all just come up with the craziest ideas, and then say- we can do it- we are American Idol- we can do whatever we want- we are Ameri-fucking Idol. This is a cute little bluegrass number- Sarver is a little out of place- but who else would agree to sing with Megan? The vampire and the witch. Perfection. Steve Martin is asked who he thinks will win- "I know it is a long shot, but I hope it's me." Rad.

Lame group sing with A Rod Stewart song. All the dudes. If you want my body..... I can let you know that there is really only one dude up there that I would halfway consider in a sexual fashion. And he is married, so- no luck. And here is Rod Stewart. In a plaid jacket. He sounds like SHIT. So, at what point does an artist need to realize that the lyrics he is singing no longer are relevant. Rod Stewart is far passed school age. Maggie should meet him in the nursing home. Let's be real. OMG - Bo Bice, singing along. I couldn't have written this episode if I tried. Bravo, Idol. Why does Rod Stewart get a full 3 minutes with no Idol back up? Who wrote HIS contract?

Now the Golden Idol for best female. Simon is amazing. Three losers, and then Tatiana. Then ut job with a voice. Is she on prescription pain meds? Wow- my headache was gone. And out comes Tatiana as the winner. And then lame interlude where Ryan pretends like she can't come on stage, because they are running out of time. She of course, comes up anyway. If we really didn't need her on stage- we would cut her mik. Next.

Now an Adam and Kris duet.... Queen. We are the Champions. I was waiting for Adam to do Queen. And tha stage is opening, and there is Queen, minus the obvious Freddie Mercury (this is for my homies). I really like the idea of "WE" are the champions, since everyone is a winner. False. There is only one winner. And this is my least favorite Queen song. Top faves are tied with Somebody to Love and Fat Bottomed Girls (because it is my anthem). But- great performance.

Alright- 9 pm... let's get judges final words... Simon says- warm and fuzzies, and is very Paulaesque- and it is weird. All right- the adjudicator comes out with the envelope. Telescope has certified the result. New record with ALMOST 100million votes. Thanks for the real number.

.......... Kris Allen won. An Ryan Seacrest looks shocked. Probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. Well- we were "ready" for a black president, but not a gay Idol. Hm. I love that Kris Allen fully says - Adam deserves this. And now they have a lame trophy. He is totally dumbfounded. I don't want to take anything away from Kris. Talented guy for sure. But as far as ready to be mass produced- Adam. Period. And I can't believe that the crazy dialing was done for Kris based purely on talent. And that saddens me. I know that some people got tired of Adam being so showy and perfect. They were over it. Well Bible Belt- you got us back for the Democrat takeover. (hate mail can be sent to- kissmyass@gmail.com)

Let's Dance- The Last Dance (Idol Recap)

So, I am late again. Work. It is crazy.

So- I stopped by Qdoba and picked up a burrito bowl and some queso- because I deserve it. I like Chipotle's food better, but this was on the way home, and had Queso. Which I need. I am an emotional eater. I got the chips with it, which I didn't need- but didn't have time to argue, and I am glad I did. CP and Molly- great lime flavor. Almost too good to dip.

So, across the country tonight, family and friends are gathering around televisions glued to the Idol finale. It is amazing when you find out who secretly LOVES the show. I found out today a guy that I work with on some of my programs is addicted. And this I.T. chick I know from Edward Jones. American Idol crosses barriers. Including one barrier- the gay/straight. I would not be surprised if across the country there are "We're Here, We're Queer, We're Idols!" parties were being held. Which would be amazing. AND there have got to be some "Real American Values" parties being held as well... whatever that means. I hope that I am able to have a talk with my kids in 20 years, and have them say to me "why were people so weird about all that gay/straight stuff?" You know, kinda like I asked my dad about the "black/white thing" after he told me about the race riots in Chicago when he was in High School. We shall see.... okay- down from the soap box- back to the show.

I walk in with ten minutes already passed. Here we go-

Adam-

It obviously was not this dramatic an entrance before... he first did this when he was still a little "rough." Before he removed some piercings and such. He looks tanner... in a good way. rocking the trench and the fingerless gloves... Good choice, because it showcases his vocal range and sensitive side (ha ha kris). Randy gives it an A+. Kara loves the choice- blah blah- artistry. What. Anthony Hopkins is there? Paula has a great green on... but she is too tan. too many words.... Simon says it was a little over theatrical and very Phantom. And Randy makes an excellent point, and says it is very Twilight. This now sparks an Edward vs. "whatever the hell the other dudes name is" debate across the country. Here is a hint ladies- they are both FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

Kris Allen video- crap, I guess that means I missed an Adam home video. You know, where his dad says- "I wish my son liked sports, but I guess this is ok." OMG- Kris doing "Ain't No Sunshine." Love it. This is when he started to be a favorite for me. Not only because it is an amazing song, but because few can sing it and hit the right pain. He nails it, and jazzed it up a little but not in a Dorky Gokey way. There is this end I don't really remember.... Kris's wife looks like she is going to prom. Ha. Randy needs a better fitting jacket. And the Lakers suck. Kara is really starting to get kinda Paulaish- and rambles about feelings, and blah blah. Paula talks about spirit and artistry. Simon- thanks for bringing the competition idea back- Simon says he deserves to be here, after maybe doubting it last week. Kris is looking very confident... Round one winner prediction- Kris.

And I just saw the first "american values" nod... camera in to some chick that is IN Kris's family area that is holding a baby Not his wife. Maybe his sister. We don't care about his wife and her title (she never really got recognized after Simon pretty much said "hide her") but NOW that it saves America from gay takeover, let's put it in.

Songs by Simon Fuller is the next category. Not Cowell- the other one.

Adam- Change is Gonna Come- Nice message of hope. :) He's got the gray suit that everyone loved. This songs is going to make the gay fan base rally the dialing fingers. I LOVE IT. How does he hit these notes? Crap. He does this little "squat like i gotta pee" move that is not so cute... but there is a nice strong ending. You can tel he was thinking about something different behind those vocals. Simon Fuller is a genius. Still like Cowell better. So- Is Kris gonna come out and sing "God Bless America?" Because that would be an excellent rebuttal. I am getting tired of recapping Kara. Paula says it was the best she has heard him sing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, as she helicopters over her head. Simon Cowell says he is back in the game- as if this won't flip flop all night.

KATIE HOLMES AND SURI!

Kris- "What's Going On" I think some people might remember the Cyndi Lauper version, but the Marvin Gaye's is better. And Kris is adding his sweet little Jason Mraz kick to it. It is a song about understanding, and not hate and war and violence... interesting. Why do I read so much into song lyrics? And the Idol produces KNOW they are feeeeeeeeding into the battle- as they should. Randy likes it but says it wasn't big enough. Kara-blah blah hand pointing. Simon says is was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. Hahaha. Too laid back for a night like this. Kris is denied mic time. But gives us his winning smile. Thank you Ryan for pointing out the obvious symbolism. Already there, buddy. And Simon says that %1000 Adam won that round. Yes., there should be three zeros.

So now we have the "both sing the same song" song. ADDED bonus- we have a judge songwriter. Kara, in case you were wondering. She helps with some of Kelly Clarkson's stuff. This song always sucks. Adam is like "bring it the eff on. I will go higher and deeper- blah blah dreams." Randy blah blah sing the phonebook- but he hated it. Kara drops names, and is moved and proud. And he makes some lame comment about the song being beautiful. Paula can't find words. Surprise. Cowell- Hahaha. He makes a joke on the mountains and hurricanes in the song. :) He calls him original, etc. He believes that they have found a worldwide star in Adam.

Ryan calls him a class act when he says that he was excited about the challenge to sing something different- you know, instead of pulling a Gokey and saying it wasn't his thing. I am so glad that tool is gone. I wouldn't have had the energy to blog about his ridiculousness tonight.

OMG! I totally forgot that GLEE is TONIGHT! My day just got better. How do I forget that, you ask? I am a busy girl.

Kris's turn at the lame song. It sounds awful, and kinda flat. He gets an A for effort in the middle. Ugh, this song sucks. Adam makes it not seem SO awful, so by default, I give him the win on this one. Even his family isn't impressed. Kara doesn't want him to be judged on that song... vote on the season. HAHAH. Right, that is what Americans are know for, remembering the full measure of some one's worth, not just the sound bite they heard on Extra last night. So- the judges pretty much say "it's been cool knowing you dude." Man- I wish he would have put up more of a fight at the end. I feel deflated...

This is kinda the feeling after Justin and Kelly's finale. She rocked it, and he showed up and didn't mess up horribly. She had been the favorite all along, and he squeezed by with his winning smile. They all knew it was just a final step in the process, and it didn't mean anything, really.

Tomorrow= two hours, and schedule your dvr, cuz they'll go long, Ryan says. Shouldn't they be looking at their script tonight and finding a place to cut a few minutes? I am sure we can remove a few "coming up, right after the break" bits. Gimmie the script- I'll take care of it.

I love these montages, where we are reminded of all those hot messes that graced the stage. We've really come a long way, baby.

Na na na na... na na na na-- Hey Hey Hey Gokey's Gone (Idol Recap- sorry I spoiled it)

Alright- I think it is really fucking time I get a DVR. I just left book club so that I could come home for Idol, and I missed the first 25 minutes. So- keep that in mind while you read. One good thing- I probably missed the lame trips home. I prolly would have made fun of some third grader, and been called an asshole. Anyway.... (also-I want to show everyone right now. It is ANYWAY, not ANYWAYS- ANYWAYS is not a word.)

I walk in at 8:25, and Kris is onstage. He is given criticism, and sent to the couch with Danny Gokey. They are both bottom two, right? Did we just stop dicking with America, and let them know that Adam was safe early? That would have been my vote. Because, "seriously, really?!?"

Jordin Sparks is performing... she is cute. And from Arizona. We like to claim our local celebrities. Funny story- I have totally drank with her pop. Last year (maybe two), my roommate and I went to our local watering hole to watch a University of Arizona basketball game that wasn't on tv... or maybe it was football. It was football. Anyway, there was this cool guy at the end of the bar talking to us about our team, and this that and the other. He went to ASU, so we started some smack talking. And he drank Glenlivet, so he was cool. Anyway, he left- wishing us luck, and being an all around sweet guy, and totally chill. We said to the bartender- "he's a cool dude." he says- "Yeah, that is Bubba Sparks, Jordin Sparks' dad." So- there is my one degree of separation from an American Idol superstar. While I told that whole story, I totally missed her performance. I think she was wearing something sparkly. Whatever, she is cute. I like her.

This whole Glee nonsense is too much for me. I am SO stoked for this show. But I only get to watch one episode before they close for the summer. It is so messed up on so many levels.

ok- Wait a fucking minute. We are JUST NOW seeing Adam Lambert at 8:38?!?! This vote off episode is such bullshit. Let's go to San Diego. Holy crap- his local weather girl had him do her eye shadow. Seems to me that their FOX news is as lame as our fake news station, 3TV, the place with more stuff. Where are all the gay dudes running around after him!?!??! He goes back to a theater that he legitimately performed in, and it is super sweet. And I love that they show that Adam Lambert can be sweet, and won't try to make your children FABULOUS! I want a day named after me in Phoenix. Oh crap. I think I missed the flasher. HOLY CRAP they are taking him to the marine base... nice rendition of the Anthem, Adam. FYI- there weren't any Marines on base that day... ha.

So- let's send Adam to the couch again, and have them all sit there. And Katie Perry is next...

I really like that MasterCard can still use the "priceless" commercial theme. It still works, but doesn't seem outdated. How do they do that? And it isn't like there haven't been a shit-ton of parodies. We had one my sophomore year of college for our Mardi Gras sorority date dash. I didn't go to the party, but I bought the shirt. Lost it one time in the laundry, and I tried to get another one from Senior Wills but was unsuccessful. Not that it matters. The tshirt quilt that my mom was going to buy me as a graduation gift never got made. BUT the tshirts are all still in the closet of my old bedroom, so ... there's that. I found a chick online that does them- but I need it to be totally symmetrical and perfect, so I didn't hire her- based on her online photo album.

So they are sitting on the couch and I nearly just died.. they say that Katy Perry is up, and they will reveal the results after that. Apparently Gokey just wants it to be over- because the nerves are too much- and Adam yells " I JUST WANNA SEE KATY PERRY!!!" I love him.

So- I haven't heard this song. Apparently my marine sister loves this song, and was pissed that she released it. She likes to like the songs no one knows on the album. It makes her a more elite fan. So- this is about a marriage in Vegas. After a drunken night... well- the sanctity of that is serious. FYI- She kinda is annoying. I'm done with her vibrato. AND done with the camel toe caused by her unitard.

Here we go- dim the lights..... first person competing...... KRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Simon is shocked... my heart is racing... seriously... I might get sick- I am so excited. Please send danny home.. please send danny home... please send danny home..... holy crap..... get there faster! ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you America. Danny Gokey can go back to wherever the hell he is from. Let's count the dead wifeisms in his goodbye piece. 1.... two.... jump jump.... three... faux hawk.... prayer stance... spaz dance... Jaime Foxx in his face.. four... four dead wives in a 58 second vignette... excellent work Idol producers... I hope he dedicates You Are SO Beautiful to the dead wife (hey- boyf's sister- I am NOT going too far. ;) )

Kara is crying. I am elated. The crowd is clapping along... Kara is crying... Kris is shitting himself.... white girl clapping off beat.... I am elated.... Danny licks his pervo lips... Paula is on her feet.... group hug.... hey- it is 2 minutes past end time... simon says "it could be a big ding dong next week." Kris laughs his usual "simon, you're so silly" giggle.

I haven't been this excited for an Idol finale sine Justin and Kelly. OMG OMG OMG! Do you think that Kris and Adam can do a movie?!?! If you have never seen From Justin to Kelly - go rent it. NOW. Of course... in this film, they wouldn't be able to fall in love. I am sure they could find themselves in some CRAZY predicaments!!!

It's Too Late to Apologize, America- YOU voted Gokey here (Idol recap)

I am a really good sister. It is 9:24, and I am watching the Idol episode that I recorded earlier because at 7 p.m., I was in a sweltering hot drama room at the High School watching my sister’s last performance. After this, I will be writing a letter to the principle, telling him that it might be a good idea to turn on the a/c for a performance when the weather is over 104 during the day. It would be awful if the children suffered heat stroke.

Now onto Idol…..
The week they go home doesn’t really make sense to me. It isn’t like they actually KNOW all these people that are geeking out…and the whole thing is always so “surreal.” And their HS principle that never even knew them says something about how he is a hero, and barf, barf, barf.

Then, the judges pick a song for them, basically something expected that doesn’t challenge them or challenge what we think of them. Then the final 3 pick a song, and it is usually pretty similar to the other one the judges pick… let’s get it started (ha), let’s get it started (in here). That was for you, sister. Hope you appreciate it.

I have no idea what song this is. All I hear is this doucher yelling. How is Terrance Trent D’arby at all relevant? Remember when he said he was gonna be bigger than the Beatles? And then peole lit his albums on fire? I may be remembering the second part incorrectly. I heard the story on I Love the 80’s. It cracks me up that Kara makes fun of his dancing, because she has equally as awkward moves. Paula looks a lot better now that she isn’t medicated. Why is she so tan? Simon too…. I want to kick this dude. No more, America. I BEG you.

For Kris- Randy and Paula are ppicking a song, because they both count as half a person. He will be singing Apologize. Which I think they told him to sing earlier this season. This purple lighting bullshit has GOT to stop. He doesn’t really change anything, but it is less annoying than the original. This is the fun part of judge’s pick- they pick a song, and then get mad that he didn’t do what they wanted him to do with it. Simon TOTALLY calls Kara on it. AND IT IS AWESOME. Nothing makes me happier than when people get called on their bullshit. Ryan- get control of this show. Kara goes over and pretends to wrestle Simon, and blah blah. This is just so expected and ridiculous.

I am glas that Simon is picking for Adam. Basically because the other judges are near worthless. I had hope for Kara. But no more. You know what would be interesting. If someone tracked Idol like sports stats… and let me know the percentage of a certain judge being assigned the task of picking the song for the winner. I would guess that Simon most frequently is assigned the winner. Somebody get on that for me.
Ugh- the Kardashians are in the audience.
Simon likes U2. And apparently made a personal call to Bono to get permission. He probably bought him a new pair of sunglasses. Oh- I recognize this song. Sorry- I am not that big of a U2 fan. Oh, gasp, blasphemy. I know. Whatever. GTFover it. So, he stars nice and smooth, and then he screeches out in typical Adam fashion. And his mom is crying in the audience. I am not going to rehash the judges and their high school fake drama bullshit.

Some dork in the audience has a sign that says “adam rox my sox off.” It would be cooler if there was a sports theme on it, but instead, it is just changing the spelling of the words for no reason. If I were a producer, someone would be hired to monitor the songs for lameness. That one would not have made the cut.

Oh- I forgot about “Idol Gives Back.” Don’t they usually have some big show where nobody goes home, and they raise a bunch of money? Or something… oh. I guess they just send Carrie Underwood to Africa. Lame. FF. Sorry- I am just one of those people that thinks that maybe we should make sure we have ourselves taken care of before we go help everyone else in the world. I am sure there are some kids in America that need a little assistance, but apparently we like to pretend that problems don’t exist within our borders. This is American Idol, after all. We must prove the greatness of America. Let’s just pretend that there aren’t any kids in South Phoenix who didn’t know where their dinner was coming from tonight. Let’s just keep pretending we have it all figured out, and we can tell everyone else how to do it the right way. But- I digress.

Oh- as If I wasn’t fired up enough, the ass clown was up. Blah, blah, blah. You Are So Beautiful, by Joe Cocker. Duh. I can’t even listen. FF. Hey Randy- thanks for letting us know that the dude can sing. I thought I was watching “America’s Next Dance Crew.” Simon has something on his shirt. I think it is Paula’s bronzer. This horsehit of Ryan standing up there and asking the “post performance” how did that feel garbage is really annoying. It is bad enough when that one chick does it for NFL on Fox.

Kris is singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. No idea. I don’t listen to what the cool kids do. I listen to classic rock. I-tunes plug. Oh… yeah… I know this song. And hey-Kara, he has his guitar. And will go acoustic on it. So if you don’t like it, you can jump off a bridge for all I care. It is nice to hear something a little more up tempo/rough from Kris. He did a nice job of sowing us a different style. Too bad he is going home tomorrow. I am gonna miss that little thing he does where he sings out of one side of his mouth. I think he wife has gained weight. Judges bicker- Ryan finally says something. Too little to late dude.

Idol tour. They don’t seem to be promoting it this much this year.

Adam is doing Aerosmith. You can tell he was gonna rock, because he is wearing his leather jacket. He is doing Cryin… remember how edgy Alicia Silverstone was in this video- with her tattoo, and the motorcycle and stuff? OR wait, is this the one where Liv is on the stripper pole? Or are they the same video? I am so bored. Hey- did you know that Adam can hit really high notes while shrieking? Thought I would let you know. It is comincal to me that randy calls him a Rock Star. Rocky Horror star is more like it. Paula basically calls him the winner right there. Simon is awesome. He reminds everyone that you have to vote, because the producers might not make it up as they go along….

I am not that excited about tomorrow night, and quite frankly- I am not looking forward to the finale. Between the widow that screams and creeps me out, and Adam that yells in a much sweeter, more feminine way, I don’t think I can do an hour, AND a finale. I have pretty much realized that the cute puppy train of Kris has reached its final stop. Sad.

Who was the third one last year? I don’t remember.

Catch you on the flip side.

Let's just throw a bunch of random performances together and call it a show (idol vote off recap)

After some good Mexican food, on Seis de Mayo, and some Lie to Me, it is time for the Idol vote off night.

These recaps are amazing... so dramatic and cheesy. They even catch the boyf's attention... until he realizes it.. and then says " I can't watch this fucking shit." haha. We are now sitting on the couch with our laptops (brought mine because I am not compatible with his Mac) while I watch Idol, and he listens to real music on the super rad high tech headphones I got him for Christmas.

I wonder what it is gonna be like when they have a "green finale." How can they produce a show without the streaming lights and the the music, etc...?

Ooooh Daughtry tonight. And Paula Abdul will perform.... I hope it is "Opposites Attract." M.C. Scat Kat is rad.

Cheesy ford-commercial... these are a perfect example of how American Idol ruins rock and roll. And now.. Slash joins the kids for "School's Out." Another classic on the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. Hahaha. Adam just sway-swaggered on stage. And those pants make his hips look wide. There is a weird brother/sister vibe with Danny and Allison- except that Danny thinks she is hot. It creeps me out. I am so sick of these cheeeeeesy graphics on the screens. There is no need for fake flames, and geometric shapes.

Slash has some super secret album that unites him with some amazing vocal talent... that he can't release to us yet. Lame. I hate it when people try to create interest by saying " I can't tell you." I usually say... "whatever, then don't." It is my coy way of pretending I don't care- and then damage their ego, and then they tell me anyway and I win. :)

So I was really frickin excited for Glee... until I find out that I will be cock teased with an episode, and then nothing for three months. I don't do well with that.

Let's ask everyone how they feel about the Wednesday night elimination. Basically so that it can be used against them when they are in the bottom. I love that Adam says he loved his song.. and he loved his outfit.. giggle. Danny tried to remove the foot from his mouth, and said when he watched the tape, he realized he was awful. And then he pretends to make fun of himself, and I just want to punch him. I won't even type it. Then Allison tells everyone that Simon was asking for it last night. And then drop the "JC" bomb and gets muted... hm.

Paula... is using the "phelanger/reverb thing" (edit: flanger) tonight. Thanks boyf. She isn't even lipsynching right (edit: apparently boyf thinks he needs to be credited for this). If she just wanted to put on a bunch of sequins and dance with some gay dudes, she could have just invited Clay, Adam and David Archuleta over for a slumber party. HAHAHAHA. Now she is dancing/crawling through Disneyland fake fire n(sheets in Pirates), and jumped from an elevated platform, a la Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (yes- that is the link to the DTV Dance off). Gentlemen- she is just here for the music- not their advances. Hahaha.

Wow. It is amazing to see Paula clean. Good for her. Are they gonna talk about it?! Are you going to really do an interview Ryan, and go all Frost/Nixon on her? Nope.

How did I miss that No Doubt was performing? Wanna know something about Gwen Stefani? Her vocals suck live. I have heard it from numerous people. And here is the proof. Why the middle school flashback? Are they back togehter? Hey, if she isn't hanging out with Gavin Rossdale does that mean there is an opening? Gwen spazzes out onstage- getting the boyf's attention as he asks "is she on meth?" She then "pretends to be punk." It is such a put on. My how the mighty have fallen. Make it end. "want to know what is amazing? Mic Jagger is like, 90 years old and he can run across the stage just like her, and sound amazing..... I wish Simon would critique this. "- this right here is an example of why I love my boyf. Apparently they are doing a tour to get inspiration for a new album. Lame. Why is that dude wearing striped pants and a tutu? Stop trying so hard. You can't tell me that is really YOU.

This background music makes me mental. Interesting... the contestants are hanging out backstage... We get to see the last few years of "semi-finals home visits." Whatever happened to Bo Bice? Is he living in a double wide with four kids yet? There are some people on there I don't recognize. The finalists will be announced in random order, like they always are. But they want to make it clear now, so that people stop blogging about their methods.

Dim the lights- Allison- her hair looks dumb. Danny- sucks. Adam- Does not look good in HD. I remember this every time I watch it on a fancy tv. Kris- or LL Cool Kris, because the ladies are loving him. Who is safe... bump bump... bump bump.... bump bump.... bump bump... Kris. And he does the Miss America hands over mouth shocked face. Honestly the best thing I have seen on this show in weeks. His wife is going ape shit (apes don't have tails- monkeys do- learned that today) even though they haven't put "Kris's wife" in the lower third of her screen since week 2.

These Nikon commercials where Ashton Kutcher pretends like he is a single ladies man make me nuts. I know that he and Demi are private people, but I really think they make a nice couple, and I don't think he should feign singledom.

The contestants are backstage, so that we can do a Chris Daughty re-cap. Please try to tell me he hasn't changed. So- when I see the video of him and Katherine McPhee where he gets sent homeit kills me. If looks could kill- McPhee'd be lying on the floor. Heart, that is a real rock band. Chris talks about wanting to be in a band, and not a solo artist, and then they show his first album cover... with him in the forefront and blurry bandmates in the back labeled DAUGHTRY. Yeah, I believe that. What is wrong with his mike (edit: mic, m-i-c, what is wrong with his band member!?!? thanx boyf) It is creepy how perfect his chin beard is. And his eyebrows. Is his sister a waxer? The boyf sees it and says "I am going to grow a chin strap." Veto. Good thing I know he is only kidding. And also- he couldn't grow it if he wanted to. The bass player has a great mohawk. I forgot what those looked like after seeing so many faux hawks on the douches in Scottsdale. Cute Kris presents him with the 5 million copies thing. Is that platinum? Wouldn't that be nice if you explained it to us Ryan? Hosting is more than extending the results beyond any reasonable time frame.

May 21- So You Think You Can Dance- a heavy contender for the next show to blog about. I have been meaning to talk to you about that. It will be discussed. :)

Back to the vote off. Random order brings us..... Adam as safe. Okay. Now I kinda believe it. One of Adam's friends looks reallllly familiar. Kinda like a young Taylor Dayne.(edit- i think she is a former ANTM contestant)

64 million and that ass clown is safe. I am begging you readers of this blog. Tell all your friends to stop the insanity and put their cell phones away. Allison was a creepy kid with big teeth. How is it possible that they found 1:12 seconds of personality. She is crying but will sing. What a trooper. How funny that sh is singing crybaby. This is so re-dick. Because Gokey is an asshole. And I am so far over him. I think that in protest, I will not type his name once next week. I am taking suggestions for what I should call him. And he pretends to look sad. Vom.

Wanna know what is funny? The judges had this "save" that was supposed to prevent things like the Daughtry vote off. BUT THEY HAD TO USE IT OR LOSE IT TWO WEEKS AGO. SO IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE.

Two songs next week- Judges choice, and their pick. I hope that someone picks something terrible for Gokey. How will this work with four judges? Does one judge not pick?

That Rock n Roll Music- Any Old Way You Choose It (Idol Recap)

So- tonight is Rock and Roll night and I have been excited for a week. SO- chances are, this will suck because what does American Idol know about Rock and Roll? If you want to argue with me- just think of all the medleys. Nuff said.

In "no shit, Sherlock" news: Paula Abdul was addicted to pain killers. If you didn't know that, I have another shocker for you: Adam Lambert likes dudes. And if you didn't know that... then I have a time share in the Caribbean that I would like to talk to you about.

It has been "an unconventional day" at Idol.. apparently the tower fell. And stopped the run-through. Too bad Lil Rounds isn't around to use that as an excuse.

Added bonus- duets tonight.

What the hell is Kara wearing. This is not a Joan Jett concert. HOLY SHIT. Adam looks HI-larious. I will need to link a photo later.

Slash- I wonder when he stopped counting how many chicks he nailed. Probably not soon after he stopped counting how many packs a day he smoked. Slash will be mentoring from the club- with full band packing the idols. (insert nervous laughter from Allison and Danny).

Adam is first. And singing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." I will rip him if he ruins it. Because it is one of my faves. his hair is re-dick. Not really surprised he chose this. Most of his performances have moaning and latent sexual undertones. Once again, tweens across the country need an explanation for that fuzzy feeling in their bajingos. Okay- I want to punch Kara in the face because I am so over her. Paula looks really nice. Simon-agrees that it is one of the best Rock and Roll songs of all time. Why aren't we together again? I never thought I would hear Zeppelin on Idol- but I am not upset. I would be if Danny sang it.

Allison's transformation into Kelly Clarkson is nearly complete. Cool beans. Stool time with Ryan. Yet another opportunity for Allison to TRY to show us she has a personality. Taking on Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to "bring it." Her voice is awesome. Duh. Randy "kept it real" and told her he "didn't feel it." I should play the "randy cliche drinking game." Kara wished she did "Piece of my Heart." Agreed. Paula is a tool. Simon says she wasn't original enough. So Allison is getting sassy with Simon, and being a 17 year old girl. Showing personality is nice, but people don't always appreciate a sassy asshole. I should know. That is why I do it here, where people can kiss my ass and click somewhere else. ;)

So- here is a duet--- Renegade- Kris and Danny. This song is awesome. I guess Danny's idea of rock is a big chain around his neck. He refuses to wear leather apparently. This kinda sucks. Kris is having tempo problems. And Danny is yelling. Boo. The judges are critiquing this? Kara calls it out as being lame because these guys are so white bread, and not in fear of the long arm of the law. Wait. They PICKED this song?!? Whadda ya know... Danny blames the lack of a full dress rehearsal for the suck. Typical.

Kris is going to do a Beatles number. Can't say that I am surprised. Stool time with Ryan. He had originally picked "Revolution," and it didn't feel right because he is vanilla, and would revolt against nothing. He will do Come Together and play guitar. I actually prefer the Aerosmith version to the Beatles version, personally. I feel like it is a Guitar Hero performance. Why does Idol like to light everything so their hair looks purple? Annoying. It makes me feel like I am losing it. Why does Randy repeat so much? Kara thinks he is trying to hard, like she is with the outfit. Simon says it was like "eating ice for lunch- it leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards. " He is my soul mate. The ladies in the audience are not okay with him. I hope he has security walk him to the car.

Ass clown Gokey will ruin "Dream On." Surprise, he wants to yell at us. And it is inspirational with the "dreaming till your dream come trueeeeeeee." I don't know that I can watch it, and I don't know that I can handle the repercussions of typing my ACTUAL feelings on it.... the boyf's sister apparently thinks I go too far on the Danny bashing. Can't help it... he sucks, and he is playing America like a fiddle. I feel the need to intervene on this domestic terrorist- or I couldn't sleep at night.

Local news will have a story about the blind guy tonight. Remember him?

Gokey performance- too much purple; he is not Prince. He sounds like he got punched in the balls, and the ending screech is like a cat in heat. I swear, America. You dial in for this douche, and I am moving to Canada. I will disown you. Thank you Kara for saying that it was too much. The fist pumping has to stop, Kara. We are holding an intervention. Watch that- you will thank me later. Simon says he sucked but will prolly be safe. I am hoping that is his attempt to make America comfy so that they don't dial for dollars.

Duet- Slowride from Allison and Adam. I cannot hear this song and not think of one of the best movies in the history of the world, Dazed and Confused. I kinda tuned out on the performance, instead choosing to watch Matthew McConaughey in peach pants. I love you tube. The audience loved it... so-duh. Paula calls it a perfect marriage. Adam is like-"shit, I guess that is my only chance at marriage, right Miss California?" ;) I am going to bite my tongue now. Except to say that this isn't a modeling picture, it is a sex-text shot. I should know (cmon- I dated a Marine). If you want "modeling shots that could be confused as porn," go to model mayhem.

Recap showed Danny's terrible finish (that should be a porn title). As bad as it hurts to hear it again, it is a reminder for America. It is time to end this party.

I know what you did this weekend

So, this weekend I had a pretty serious helping of horror flicks. Here is a review of them all for your pleasure.

Friday- They youngest sister and I decided to use the "On Demand" feature on our Cox Cable package. Free movies-Fearnet. We picked the movies passe on their plot summaries.

If I Die Before I Wake: So- the cinematography is a little high school handheld. The entire set up of the film takes 3 minutes, where the camera pans through the house and all the bedrooms. Then, the bad guys enter. The 16 year old girl hides with the 6 year old girl, so that the bad guys don't find them. Note to self- buy a 5 ft tall stuffed dalmatian to hide behind in case of emergency. The acting is pretty terrible, and the script was probably written by a sophomore in high school. Things escalate rather quickly, and some people die. The 16 year old girl turns straight up Bruce Willis as John McClane. If you are looking for a film that will make you yell at the screen, and feel like you need to take a shower, then this is right for you. Just hope that you don't mind bad teeth.
Grade: B-

The New Kids: Lori Laughlin. James Spader. Eric Stoltz. How do you say no? For the first hour, you don't remember that you are watching a horror film. With the amazing work out montages, upbeat soundtrack, and Lori Laughlin's bangs- you are right in the middle of pure 80's heaven. Then- you remember that the kids (lori and some random dude) are working for their Uncle's Santa Claus theme park. Their parent's are dead, and they move to Florida to start fresh- hence the title. They meet some creepy kids, but nothing to crazy. We figured the storyline would develop into "haunted theme park." We waited about an hour... then instead, they decided to have James Spader and his wonderful silk button ups go TOTALLY MENTAL- and kill Lori Laughlins' bunny. We are then taken on a 23 minute tour of "we are hick guys and we get whatever we want." From nearly lighting Lori Laughlin on fire, to shooting her uncle in the stomach, to a trained pitbull attack, to a shoot out in Santa's Village, this movie really escalated quickly. All I know is- if I move to a small town, I will say YES when the creepo asks me out on a date. I don't want my cat Baxter decapitated and dropped into my shower.
Grade: B

Out of the Dark: A serial killer is targeting a group of phone sex operators in L.A. Say what?! Yeah, that is what we thought. This one was by far the best film of Friday night's marathon. This guy, Bobo, would call the ladies and talk about some pretty wicked stuff, and hang up. They didn't hink much of it- until girls started getting killed. The whole movie was funny scary, from the acting to the scripting. Allow me to paraphrase our favorite scene:
We see the owner of the phone sex company asleep in her bed. The phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is the detective. We just discovered the body of a girl in the park. She had your phone number in her pocket, so we think she may have been one of your girls. We are going to need you to identify the body."
"Ok."
"We are really hoping to get this whole thing wrapped up before lunch. We open at 9 am."
"I will be there at 10 am."
"Thanks for your cooperation."
Add a few soft core porn scenes and some gory murders and you have yourself a winner!
Grade: A-

The next night, my sister and I hung out with our "sister soulmates," another group of sisters similar in age and personality. They like cheesy horror as well, and have an amazing collection.

The Baby's Room (English title): I couldn't get my sister to agree to this one the night before- so I worked our friends, and got to watch it. C'mon now. A baby monitor that shows some creepy stuff? Yes! BUT- it was filmed in Spanish- and subtitled. And boring. And slow. And we turned it off after 45 minutes of nothing really happening.

Happy Birthday to Me: Another great 80's flick. A little slow going, this one is about a high school girl that is a part of an elite society at school. The Top Ten, as they are called, cause trouble and inter date a la 90210. We learn that there was some accident and follow up surgery that has made our heroine (some chick from Little House on the Prairie) a little bit out of sorts. There are some gory deaths that apparently were originally filmed grosser- but edited to receive an R rating instead of an X rating. Hilarious to us, considering the movie we watched next, but I digress. Any how- the ending is a little twisty and underdeveloped, basically because it was never actually written, just made up as they approached it. Good stuff though, and it led to some interesting discussion and goggling.
Grade: B- director's cut with added gore would receive an A

Midnight Meat Train: This is one that our friends brought. In hearing the title- I thought it could have been a porn. A recently made film, Bradley Cooper (yum) plays a photographer that is working on an assignment about life in the city at night. He captures the last known photos of a handful of people, as they disappear forever after boarding the subway. That's because that dude from Gone in 60 Seconds that doesn't talk is killing them all and taking their bodies to the underworld for feed time. I fell asleep a little, because I am old, so I missed a few things. But this film is by far the goriest film I have ever seen, including the modern "Amityville Horror." Hey, that one had a hot guy too.
Grade: B

So- go home and turn on your Cox on Demand (dirty), and see if you can find some more movie gold.