Idol Recap- Where My Girls At

Tonight, we get the ladies, because the Dirty Hippie Crystal is apparently back from the brink of death. Then the judges are stupid, and Kara has dumb hair.

The Dirty Hippie is up first, and she has a brother that is a "square." She references Simons comment last week about how he could hear that performance from 1,000s of people on a Subway platform, and he wouldn't stop, saying that people have in fact stopped to listen to her on a subway. Apparently we are doing a gospel show tonight. Some "see the light" performance. She has a nice voice- but that shit doesn't sell. Remember Ruben Studdard? Ellen talks about how she needs to stay healthy, because they NEED her on the show. Are we going to talk about what was wrong? because, seriously, she looks and sounds fine. Simon says he is glad that she didn't play the sympathy card (bc everyone else did for her), and says that he totally underestimated her. Then compares her with Kelly Clarkson. Cmon now.

Haeley Vaughn-"The Climb"Gums is now talking with Ryan about her EPIC fail last week with the Beatles song. This week, she will sing Miley Cyrus, because she is more her genre. Apparently she makes headbands. For the record, I actually like Miley Cyrus. Party in the USA is my JAM! This song, I hate. And this girl starts it nicely in the beginning... but then the chorus is a mess. Then the reprise... then... oh bollocks. A mess. YO Wow- Randy calls it excruciating. This is the only time that we will agree. Who is the hot dude sitting with her Grandma. He is labeled "friend." She is too young to have that hot of an older friend. Kara says that she needs to develop her talent more. Simon says in theory, it works but it was a "mess." The Leprechaun gets sassy with Simon, and protective of the little girl.

Lacey Brown-"Kiss Me"The red headed pixie that I swear just appeared out of nowhere apparently likes to paint. She BUTCHERED Landslide last week, and finally owns up to it. She is doing "Kiss Me" this week, pretending that she already had it planned, and it had nothing to do with Kara's suggestion. I am not sure i totally like her, and I think it might be because I am afraid she is a witch. There was one of them last season like that. Randy calls it karaoke. Ellen thinks it is adorable. And then I tuned out because I didn't care anymore. Sorry (to be said in Simon's unapologetic tone).

Katie Stevens-"Put Your Records On" Her being on TV makes it snow in Connecticut. She is supposed to be younger today, because we like our 17 year olds to be 17 YOs. She knows how to say "give me a kiss" in 7 languages. While we are thinking she is a skeezer, she assures us that she doesn't walk up to strangers and try to kiss them. This all seems very contrived. For the "record," (pun intended) this is not a "younger"song. She still has an incredible voice. The judges are frustrated with her because she isn't getting it and she has too much talent to be average. Kara makes a valid point that some songs sound great on to the radio, but lack performance spark. Simon tells her that she needs to show them what kind of performer she needs to be.

Didi Benami - "Lean On Me" She was the mascot in high school, and meows to warm up for performances. When she talks, she reminds me of Tenley from the Bachelor. I actually like her LESS with these video packages. I really like this version. People have really cheesed this out, and somehow hers is a little more genuine. Randy hates it. We disagree. Ellen loves her. She says that maybe a different Bill Withers would be good. Randy yes groans. Kara said it "wasn't good." Time the eff out. YOU PEOPLE SELECTED THESE TOP 24. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB. Maybe I have just listened to so much crap on this show, that I think this is good? How can I be this far off from the judges? As you see, I don't hold back when I hate something. She is so upset that she can't even talk. This is crap. EDIT- the clip they showed in the recap was annoying.

Michelle Delamor- "With Arms Wide Arm" She works with kids in church choir. Which is probably why she is singing this Creed song. Ew. I still hate this song, even without that douche Scott Stapp singing it. Because I HATE this.. especially her WEIRD head shaking at the end, I am sure the judges will love it. Because apparently we exist in different universes tonight. YO. He says her outfit is hot. But he hated it. Ellen loves the outfit too. When I think fashion- I think those two. Hip, happening and with it, for sure. Balls. Kara loves it because "it felt believable." Simon says he kind of agrees. The first half, yes- second half, gross. He said she got 80% of it right. Apparently Vera Wang is in the house. When is this over?

Lilly Scott- Gandolf the Grey performed, but I was on the phone. I am babysitting for my 3 and 6 year old cousins this weekend while their parents party it up Vegas style, so I got to get a little pep talk. I will blog about it, don't worry. I am sure it will be fun for you all to laugh at me being a mom for the weekend. They are really good kids, so I don't worry about them, I just worry that I will be able to keep up! Seemed like the judges liked her.

Katelyn Epperly -"The Scientist" She will be singing a very intimate song tonight, apparently. Why is she so 80's? She is singing some Coldplay. I don't really dig Coldplay. Send me hate mail if you want, but while your at it- yell at me for thinking U2 is overrated. Yes. I went there. Oh, this is a Coldplay song I actually kinda like. Minus a few rough spots, I like her version too. Props for her playing the piano. We had another curly haired blonde that played piano. I liked her better than this chick. Randy really liked it, until the last few notes. Ellen said she fell asleep. She loves the song, but it is too slow. "People can't vote if they're asleep." Kara says "I kind of love you." But she needs to figure out who she is because she is all over the place. Simon says it is a smart choice of song, and nearly identical to a Natasha Beddingfield version (that she says she is unaware of). She needs to worry about being too corny.

It is 833, and we have 2 more performers? How LONG is this show? Cut all the fluffy crap- keep it to an hour and a half, and let me live my life. Those of us that are too stubborn to DVR (long story, I'll tell you when you're older) can't make this big of a commitment.

Paige Miles -"Walk Away" This chick is boring. She likes to color, because it makes her relax. Yeah, me too. But when someone asks "what something interesting that people that people don't know about you?" that is not where I go. Because that is lame and nerdy. She is singing one of my least favorite songs from that Kelly Clarkson album. And she sounds like she is chocking a cat at the end. So forced and stupid. Yo YO YO Paige. She chose the song because Kara wrote it. Randy didn't like it because it is too many words. And he rambles about lameness that makes no sense... and da da da da das. Ellen loved it. Kara points out that the song isn't smiley- it is angry. Because she is telling the guy to go fuck himself. This girl is clueless. She colors and plays with barbie dolls. There is no base for comparison. "It's forgettable. Sorry."

Siobhan Magnus- "Freedom"Another girl that I really just can't stand. And I wasn't really watching the first part, because I was reading about what the author of Shutter Island thought about the minor change in the ending. Which, if you have read the book is a lot more hypothetical than a "declarative statement." Apparently watching the film without seeing the book made it much more subjective.... but I digress. Wow. I thought about paying attention again, and then this bitch came up and starting singing Freedom, so now I am purposely ignoring the television. Back to Shutter Island. I liked the book a lot. And the movie did a really good job with the storyline, but was missing a little background that made it less cheesy of a progression to the ending. Back to the weirdo- Randy loved it. And Simon says what everyone in America is thinking "you are such a weird person." She is pretty safe, considering the crapfest that ensued tonight.

It is a free for all on all which of these ass clowns go home. I'm too jaded to give an opinion. What do you think?

Idol Recap- The Boys are Back

I missed the first 4 minutes, and let's be honest- I'm sure I didn't miss much. Started just in time for the guts of the program. Tonight, the boys are back, and singing "billboard hits." Seems simple enough, right? Only 9 million songs to chose from. When they make the categories this broad, they are really just testing the intelligence of the contestant. Pick something too recent, and it's sing-a-long. Pick something too old, and it's dated, or karaoke. Let's see who messes up tonight.

Ryan informs us that tonight, we will try to get to know the contestants a little better. Great. Sappy montages. This is why frequently, we don't end up with the most talented artist, but the one with a great story. For the record, I don't care about the stories, so I won't get into them.

Michael Lynch- "Man's World." Surprise! He played football in High School. He addresses the comments from the judges, and specifically Simon's comment that he was the supporting act. He, of course, says he wants to be the MAIN EVENT in tonight's performance. Good goal, buddy. His performance is ok. Lots of "runs" and what have you. Randy, after three "yo's" gives him a standing o. New thing- tonight, I am drinking for every "yo." I apologize in advance for any incoherent rambling(well, more than usual) at the end of this post because of it. Ellen blah blah blah. Kara says she doesn't get it, until NOW. Really? Then why did you geek out for him and send him to the top 24? Simon loves it, and says it didn't seem dated. Apparently his wife is coming out Friday, if he is still in the competition... hint, hint, America.

John Park- "Gravity" Ryan asks him what his band thinks about this whole Idol thing. Apparently they want him to win. Uh, Ryan... ever heard of this band called "Daughtry?" Fun fact: his first language was Korean. Learned English in 4th grade. He knows his song choice was lame last week, so he is trying to pick a song more up his alley this week. Wow. Not in a good way. Lifeless. And scared. And flat. and whiny. And please send him home. This may be the only version of any song called "Gravity" that I haven't liked. 2 "yos." Randy- not as good as the original. Ellen-better song choice, needed more soul. Kara says better than last week. And they all say no connection. Simon says it was a "so what" performance. How does this guy front a band? Note- tomorrow, I might drink for each of Simon's insincere "sorry." Now it's a judge free for all, they all repeat the same thing, and you can hear the wrap up music playing in the back.

Casey James- "I Don't Wanna Be" Kind of a porn star name. He hasn't ever watched Idol. He found out the song that he's doing has been done by a plethora of losers. He hasn't had a tv most of his life. These people make no sense to me. There is a weird kind of thing where he is hiding something in a box, and it's odd. The only reason I mention it is because Ryan says "What's in the box??" Points Ryan, points. I might like Casey's version of this better than the original. He is back-lit with purple. Weird. He does, in fact "rip it up" on the guitar. Randy reminds everyone that he can play guitar. Remember, with Journey? It was HOT. Ellen thinks you can't go wrong with the song. She wants more performance, because he is too stiff. Kara references her cougarness, and then says he took two steps back, like MC Skat Kat. Simon says you can see this in any bar across America, a guy trying to play rockstar.

You're welcome.

Alex Lambert- "Everybody Knows" Mullet guy pukes before big performances. Just like Douglas Dorsey. Anyone, anyone?(first person to mention the reference below gets a gold star) Apparently this nerd made up a language in 6th grade to help him with song writing. His awkwardness is apparent, and this week, he is trying to appear more comfortable on stage. I have never heard this John Legend song, but I really like this. A lot. As in, if I actually downloaded songs from this program, I might consider copying a version that someone downloaded of this one. Randy loves the confidence, and the guitar (did you know he played?) and it was WAY LEGIT. Ellen says it is like someone put the unripe banana in a paper bag. Which is a compliment. Kara says he has an incredible recording voice. Simon said it was a million times better. He also gave this jem "the only reason you should be nervous is if you are useless. Simon says he needs to start playing to win, and he doesn't want to hear anymore about the nervous nonsense. Well-n the only person that I know that would download this song on my behalf just text messaged me and said "I'm not rooting for this kid." Not a fan of the mullet, apparently.

Todrick Hall"What's Love Got to Do With It?" This is the dancer guy that cheats families and children out of hard earned money. He can DIAF as far as I am concerned. Can't stand him. Annoying performance. The end. One YO. That's all I have to say about that.

Instead of this nonsense, I am going to bitch about the fact that girls night and guys night were switched because the dirty hippie is really sick. Since when do we rearrange schedules for finalists? What the hell? Who is she that she deserves an entire night moved around??Maybe if she showered regularly, she would be less prone to illness.

The guy henceforth referred to as "THIS FUCKING GUY"- "What's Going On?" I can't believe this guy is still here. What a douche bag. He tries AGAIN in his video package to pretend like he thinks the judges are there to help. Maybe drop the attitude with them then. Of COURSE he is singing Marvin Gaye. And messing it up royally. Why is he smiling and playing coy to the camera? Does he KNOW what this song is ABOUT???

"Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today"

None of that says bedroom eyes and shoulder shrugs. It's not THAT kind of "what's going on." Kara says exactly that. "We don't need every trick in every performance, we need one good trick." Simon says he makes the song lose its importance. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says "can i ask a question?--- what should I do next week? ya'll can pick." Simon says that he might not be here next week. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says, "I know God." Assholes like this PISS ME OFF. With your lack of talent, and disrespectful attitude, God is going to move Heaven and Earth to get you on Idol next week. Get the fuck over yourself. I think God might have some bigger action items right now.

Andrew Garcia -Apparently this guy is a break dancer? I really liked his performance last week, and the judges hated it. I missed the name of the song. And I don't know it. In case you were wondering, I don't really listen to top 40. Basically because most of it is crap. Oh, wait, I know this song. It's less annoying when he does it. Randy calls it "pitchy all over the place." And misses the guitar. Attention guys: Randy likes it when you use the guitar. Ellen liked it. Kara says they need another big surprise. Simon says that the fact that he hasn't picked the right song yet is a huge indicator that something is missing. He is disappointed.

Side note- as I am typing, I get a message that Kimberley Locke is now following me on twitter. Hey Kimberley, if you can hook me up to regularly blog about Idol, I would be more than willing. That is my America Dream. Well, blogging about tv for money in general. Shit, I'll blog about gardening if someone would pay me to work in my pjs.

Aaron Kelly- "My Girl" He likes photography. Just like every other 16 year old with a Myspace page. Hey kid, usually, it is a bad idea to pick a song that is frequently used for group day. And when you hold out every single off key note, it is really painful. If my roommate hadn't just taken the dog for a walk, he would be sitting by the tv howling. This is why 16 YO girls are more successful than 16 YO boys. Because the girls have gone through puberty. I think Randy had 4 yos. I am just gonna say that, because I'm thirsty. Ellen and Kara love it. Ugh. Simon brings up Justin Bieber (I looked it up to avoid being yelled at) and says some stuff that I tuned out.

Tim Urban (A song i don't know the name to) This is the kid that came back because another dude had an existing contract. And he stunk up the stage, and was saved because he has Zac Efron hair. Ryan doesn't tell me what the name of the song is, so I can't give it to you. I kinda recognize it. YO. Randy asks "how was that for you?" That normally means he "didn't get it." Ellen tells him to act. She then says if he were on Glee, and acted and then busted out singing, the girls would love him. THAT COMMENT PISSED ME OFF. The GLEE kids are INCREDIBLY talented. Do not even pretend like this kid is in the same realm as Lea Michele. (breathe, breathe, breathe) In case you didn't know, I am a huge GLEEk. Simon says that he thought it was a huge improvement, and this kid needs to now change his panties, because he just shit his pants. He should sell toothpaste. White teeth.

Lee Dewyze- "Lips of an Angel" He was a troubled youth, made bad decisions, and went to an alternative school. He's the "everyman" for this year. This guy has the perfect voice for this song, which is a piece of shit song. I really hate songs that are about cheating in an unapologetic fashion. Really, I hate them in an "apologetic" fashion as well. Hear that Jason Derulo? Saying that you "were caught up in someones lust- but when you become a star we'll be living so large you'll do anything for [me]" is shitty. And THAT is why I don't listen to top 40. The judges overall say they like him, but he needs to grow some balls and own a performance.

Wow, what a fantastic collection of crap. I hate these awkward dancing packages. My only hope is that tomorrow is as blogworthy as tonight.

Idol Recap- First Vote Off

I didn't blog during the cheesy opening montage and lame group sing, because it was more important for me to eat my beef fajita nachos. Yes, they were delicious. These group sings are so unbelievably painful to watch, and so totally karaoke that I have no idea how Simon hasn't gotten the removed.

Off with their heads starts with the ladies:
Back row-
the witch, Siobhan is safe
gums, Hayley safe
the chick I don't remember, Michelle- safe
big haired blonde, Katelyn safe

One of these two goes home:
old little girl, Katie
the girl that messed up Heart, Janelle

Randy is asked who deserves to go... and he is lame and doesn't answer. Grow some balls, dude.
7:15 :Janelle goes home. Because she sucks. And she is only an average looking blonde with a minimal personality. And then she gets another chance to make our ears bleed. Why do we let the early rejects sing? Shouldn't it be only the top 8 sing at departure? There is a reason we got rid of them. Thanks for reminding us that we did not like her.

And now, a performance from last years pink haired 17 YO power voice. Her hair is still pink, but noticeably longer. When she finishes, she asks Ryan if it was time to have another awkward conversation. Haha. Love her.

Front row ladies, time to rock:
Paige "too boring to have a nickname" is safe
Creepy pixie girl, Lacey is miraculously safe
Grey haired girl, Lilly is safe
dirty hippie Crystal, safe

Ashely and Didi are bottom two- Ellen gets asked what advice she has for the loser. "It is just a new begininning somewhere else. " Ha. Didi is safe, and there is justice in the world. Camera pans to fake sad looks from the girls. This chick acts like she has been on this show for months, and dedicates her crappy performance to her family. If I were her family, I would tell her thanks for the crappy consolation gift, I wanted a new car. And no, you cant sleep on my couch while you look for another job.

7:36 We are back from commercial and there is some weird video with the 70's kid in a bathrobe during dress rehearsal. Weird.

Big Mike is safe. Duh.
Shania Twain's lover, safe
The original 16 YO is safe
the dancer is safe, but Ryan lets him sweat it out. Watch your back, dude.

The last minute addition and the American Dream are in the bottom two. Kara is asked if America is right, and beats around the bush. Ryan is direct and asks again and she says no. The next question Ryan should have asked was who SHOULD have been there then, but he is too lame to ask that. Create some tension, dude! The last minute addition is safe and is so surprised, he makes a face like there is a ferret crawling in his pants. This guy kinda cries when he finishes his song, and he proves he is too fragile a soul for this machine.

Idol Gives Back. Call me an asshole, but I tune out for each one of these. They sent Kris Allen to Haiti. He is a genuine guy, so I don't mind him coming on here and talking about giving back, because I think he really does mean it. I can't see some of these assholes help an old lady walk across the street, so the idea that they would help somewhere like Haiti is ridiculous. Kris sings "Let It Be." I must be honest. As much as I tried to fight it, I fell victim to his charms last season and developed a little crush. I swooned. Haven't bought an album though.

Crap, we're back
Surfer dude is safe. Duh
The asshole, Jermaine is safe. America, you are stupid.
The average guy, Lee is safe
The artsy one, Andrew is safe

Cougar bait (Tyler) and the mullet kid (Alex) are in the bottom two. Simon is asked who he thinks it is based on the vocals and he says "Tyler, it's over." And he is right. Tyler says that he didn't get any constructive criticism during Hollywood week, and what he heard came too late. Way to pass the blame, asshole.

The "say goodbye" montage is all 4 losers together. Thank you Idol, for knowing that we don't really have an emotional attachment to these guys yet, so a one minute overview with all of them is more than enough.

Girls on Tuesday and guys on Wednesday, and Ryan says "it's gonna get dramatic." We get the end credits while Tyler croons. I like that the dudes don't do the fake hugs and pouts. Until next week (Idol wise) -Smell ya later, bitches.

Idol Recap- It's Raining Men

Tonight I will be blogging from the boyf's house. Let's find out if surround sound is really the best way to listen. I'm nervous.

The dudes this season look pretty weak. Literally. As in, I am afraid they can't hold the microphone due to the enormous weight. Except for that one guy, who could hold them all in pyramid form without breaking a sweat. Oops. Boyf just heard it was TWO HOURS tonight. Apparently he is choosing to get drunk. We all have our coping mechanisms.

Simon is choosing not to rock the tight shirt, but his button up shirt is opened low enough to see his chest hair. Grrrr. Now we hear Ellen talk about the differences between listening live and at home. She has verified the "what are the judges thinking!?!?"question that is frequently asked, as apparently the flaws are covered in a studio performance.

Todrick Hall- - "Since You've Been Gone"- I liked this guy when he wrote his original song for the audition. But then he got really annoying. In case you don't pay attention to the interwebs, he is apparently a shady play producer. This "jazzy" version of Kelly Clarkson is very boy band. Late 90's boy band. BUT he is "making it his own." And it backfires... because he "completely shredded the song," according to Randy. Simon said what he did "was verging on stupid. " Note to the finalists- don't destroy a song that was produced by the Idol Machine. It will not be taken well. Simon is right, he is a dancer trying to be a singer.

Aaron Kelly "some song I have never heard of" I do not remember this kid. Did we meet him? On the plus side, at least Proactiv has a new Idol spokesperson. Speaking of which, I am looking forward to the "gentler" formula that hopefully doesn't bleach out my towels. SEE, I'm not just an asshole, I'm also a client. :P Hmm. Maybe he used it between Hollywood week and here. I blame the fact that we have to listen to this 16 YO entirely on Justin Beiber. Apparently I am becoming too old for this show. The 13 YO that call for hours on end will like him. The judges start this "believe in yourself" non-sense. Oh, apparently the song was by Rascal Flats.

Jermaine Sellers "Get Here" This guy likes to wear weird hats. I remember this song. And I don't think the chick that originally sang it sang it as high as he is now. EWWWW. He just threw in the word "shorty." Is that really how we modernize something? If we start Autotuning the classics, I officially quit. Judges hated it. This is where the contestants get really confused. Because the judges tell them to "make it their own." Then, they get told they went too far. Delicate balance. But guess what? You are always going to have a boss that changes their mind on what they want. It's called "being a grown up." Now he is speaking gibberish, and showing that he is an asshole. Somebody get the hook.. get him off the stage. "I got made out to look like a diva." YOU ARE A DIVA, ASSHOLE. Throw the band leader under the bus, and then FORGET HIS NAME?!?!

Tim Urban "Apologize." Time out for the obligatory Coke promo. Apparently this kid got the call from the producers that he would be returning. Who did we get rid of? Was there a criminal in the mix? After a brief google search, the dude he was replaced was disqualified by having a previous contract. Apparently this dude missed the memo that previous winner Kris Allen rocked this song last year. This kid did not. Ouch. To be honest, I tuned it out in my google search to find out how he got here. Simon says that they made the right choice in the beginning, and he shouldn't be here. The judges say it is an utter fail, and maybe he will get a sympathy vote, or an "adorable vote" as Ellen put it. He gives a lame excuse to why he sucked- some last minute change... As my dad frequently says "Fools give you reason, wise men never try." Yes, that is from a musical. Yes, my dad is straight.

Has it really only been 46 minutes?

Joe Munoz "You and I Both" He is this year's "living the American Dream" candidate. This song is "if Enrique Igelsias sang Jason Mraz." Not because he is Latino- don't throw hate mail my way. It is because he has same cadence and phrasing. And pronunciation. I am a big Mraz fan, so I have a little issue with it. JMraz makes me smile and feel really warm. That element was gone from this song. Mixed reviews from the judges. I don't hate him. He will probably skate through.

Tyler Grady"American Woman"- This kid was really shiny at auditions, I am glad he found some blotting strips. Yes, I used to work in cosmetics. He has a cute way about him that makes me think Cougars will eat him alive. With this song choice, he plays right into it. "Mommy can't right now sweetie, she's watching Idol." Simon says it is all a bit cliche. Each judge said the same exact thing; please tell me why it took 4 minutes to say it. Just take your fingers, put them in the air, and make quotation marks. That signifies "ditto." As in, "me too, " "I agree, " "what HE said."

Lee Dewyze "Chasing Cars" He fills the "just a regular guy" role. Last year,, this went to the oil rigger that looked like a Joss Whedon Vampire. He keeps picking these songs that were popular just a few years ago. You are on the downswing of the popularity of that song, my friend. He sucked. Off key. Go back to the paint store, dude. Randy tries to get him on the more modern path with Kings of Leon. Every once in a while, Randy gets it right. And Simon is on drugs, and says it is the best performance of the night. For the record- I got bored again, and googled the other guy. Michael Sarver. This guy is right on track for that... getting the votes because people like your "regular guy persona." You get to the final 6, and then get bumped out because you have the least amount of talent. On the plus side, you get a bunch of chicks that will sleep with you for the next few years. Better than selling paint to bored housewives.

John Park- "God Bless the Child" This is the guy that Shania Twain geeked out over. He starts out like he has never heard himself on a microphone before. And looks terrified. He finally starts to warm up a little bit in the second verse. His chances aren't that great. Is it just me, or do Asian dudes not make it very far in Idol? William Hung aside, of course. Is he to blame? Ellen proves she is the new Paula and tries to coddle him. He pulls the emotional pull, and talks about what the song means to him personally. Flip a coin.

Michael Lynche- "This Love"- I think the boyf sums it up. "Oh, THIS fucking guy." I hope that you can explain to your little girl that you watched her delivery on a cell phone in a hotel ballroom because you wanted to live the dream. This guy makes my brain jumbled. He sings John Mayer, and now he sings Maroon 5. You just don't expect these songs from a 6'4, 320lb dude. I am sure John Mayer and Adam Levine TOGETHER don't weigh as much as this dude. But he ROCKS it. He has the "teddy bear" appeal and a winning smile. Kara basically says he is the shiny turd in a crap group. Simon says he didn't bring enough. Note to Michael: He is challenging you because he sees your potential. It is what Simon does so well, and it is a key factor that will be missing when he is gone. That is why the cast (the smart ones at least) appreciate his feedback the most. Because he isn't gonna jerk your chain to get the crowd to cheer. He is gonna keep it real, and challenge you to do your best. It is what good leaders do. Wow. Got serious there for a minute.

Alex Lambert "Wonderful World" This guy survived that bossy bitch during group day. I like him for that reason. Last time I checked, that girl didn't make it on the show. Hmm. Does he have a mullet? I like the tone in his voice. One of those that is better when you don't look at him. Simon calls it the "most uncomfortable performance of the night." He has a good voice, but the nerves need to get in check. Ellen compares him to a banana, because he is just not ripe enough yet. But when he does, she is ready to eat him. Weird. He has only performed live 3 times. He is precious, and those ovaries out there are going to sympathy vote him on.

Casey James- "Heaven" Surfer dude that kara has a crush on. Rough start. The original Bryan Adams song, not the lame pop version that debuted when I was in college. Why mess with a Canadian classic? He's cute. There is a kind of Bob Seger quality to his voice that I dig. I'm not yet swooning, but he is a good future candidate for that.There is a weird kind of interaction with the "Kara has a crush on him thing." Kara says he is kinda pitchy. But he can play and sing and has a heart and soul. Simon says it was a great song choice, and his best performance yet. He is so obviously top 12, let's just put him there.

Andrew Garcia-"Sugar We're Going Down" -Not sure how I feel about him. Acoustic version. I dig this. I am sure this is the first time people are actually understanding the lyrics to this song. Cock it and pull iiiiiIIIIIiiit. Love this. Simon was disappointed because it was too serious and indulgent. Apparently I am listening to a different version. I really liked it. Hmmm. Ellen translates Simon's "self indulgent" comment, and tells him that the moment he looked over at his girlfriend an lit up was the best part of the song, because he remembered that it wasn't just him in the room.

Do not ever place the 16 YO next to the giant dude again in the closing shot. I am afraid he will eat him. The size differential is not good.

Idol Recap- Let's Talk About Chicks, Man

It's the time of year where I actually get regular readers to my blog! Yay! I have decided to start blogging about Idol earlier in the season than normal. I NEVER blog during the audition process, because I spend most of that time yelling at my tv when Randy says 200 million thousand percent yes. That isn't a real number. Yes is 100%. No is 0%. Maybe could be 45-65%.

If you are new- here is the drill:
- I live blog, and type as I watch. You are getting straight up reactions about the performance.
- I could care less about the sob stories and life dreams. I won't even remember their names on call until there are only 8 left. There will be nicknames and usually not nice ones.
- I swear. That won't change. If that offends you, there are plenty of other recaps to read. :)
- My musical talent is average. I can carry a tune, but by no means am I a vocalist. I just like reality tv, and people read this- so it makes me feel special. ;)

Here we go!!

This is the first year with Ellen, and I have friends that used to IdolBlog, but refuse to now because of her. I agree that Ellen will probably mess things up, but this is my last year as an IdolBlogger, as it is Simon's last year. The show will be useless without him. We open with what is expected to be the first of MANY time consuming Ellen produced joke pieces. This one is about how she can't sit next to Simon because he is feely. Simon fake laughs, but even he wants to get to the meat of the show. We don't actually get to the performances until about 7:12. This is the crap that makes them run over.

Tonight- we hear about the ladies.... here are my BRIEF recaps:

Paige Miles- "All Right Now" She decides not to change the lyrics, so the "hey there is a hot chick over there, maybe she wants to make out" concept stays. She does this annoying tapping the fingers on the mic crap. And that annoying "let me show you I can hit a million different notes within 8 seconds" bit. Meh. Lame. Simon says that it is a terrible song choice, and he is right. The rest of the judges then take sides, for the first of many times, as if the rest of their opinions matter.

Ashley Rodriguez- "Happy" I don't know this song, so I can't compare. Holding the mic a little close- I don't need to hear every breath and spittle. She has a nice voice, but I am bored. The judges all agree. Simon hates it, and tells her she is going backwards. Kara's hair looks stupid. She needs to realize how old she really is, girl.

Janelle Wheeler- "What About Love?"- I love Heart. And this girl was likeable, until she started singing. It pains me when people mess up awesome songs. Flat. Nervous. Forgettable. OUCH. Off key. ROUUUUUUGH at the end. She is about to cry, and she should. It sucked. Judges agree- her voice isn't big enough for that song.

Lilly Scott-"Fixing a Hole"- Ugh, the gray hair is weird. What is the standard spelling for gray? I like it better with the "a." She picks a relatively unknown Beatles song. Probably during their really stoned stage. That is when I lose contact, as I am not a pot smoking hippie. She has one of those "unique" voices. I don't mind it, I am just nervous about what happens during Disco week- if she makes it that far. Wow. Major eye sex with the camera. Ellen loves her, Simon says he doesn't feel the star power, but she is the best so far. Randy says she is a real "indie artist." What was your first clue, dude? She has gray hair and plays a guitar. She isn't exactly the next big thing for Gospel.

Katelin Epperley- "Oh Darling"She has big blonde curly hair, and with that bow in it, she looks like "Like a Virgin Madonna." Someone sings this song each season. She is confident, and I don't really know how I feel about her. Simon does- he likes her, but thinks she is rough around the edges. Kara uses some technical terms like "melodies" and "register." She did that last season, and I liked her better then. She says she hates the makeover. Ellen says what I was thinking- "I couldn't tell if you were trying too hard, but I still like ya." ummmmm Kara just said the b-word. Family show, Kara. We only use sexual innuendo that goes over the kiddies heads, not straight up cursing.

Haely Vaughn -"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" GUMS. The lisp is annoying. She is doing the Hold Your Hand melody from Across the Universe. Well, she was. And then she yells/screeches... and yodels. Make her stop. Ears bleeding. Dogs across the neighborhood are barking. Seriously. Kara pulls a "Paula," and says "technically it sucked, but you lit up the stage, you really had fun up there." I don't care if she is having fun- it was awful. Randy says the notes are "not quite as pleasing as they could be." I guess that is a nicer way to put it. Ellen blah blah blah. Simon- "wind up doll that never stopped smiling." :) "A complete utter mess." Love him.

Lacey Brown- "Landslide" I don't even remember her. Her southern belle voice doesn't mix with her electric red pixie cut. Nasally, sharp. It is like she has never heard herself sing with a mic. The arrangement sucks. The Idol guys in the audience are kind of looking at each other uncomfortably. Randy- "terrible and PITCHY." In case you are new to Idol, that is one of his buzz words. Ellen says she is better than that. Simon said it was indulgent and was waiting for it to end. She can leave. I wouldn't remember her if she showed up on a future season of Celeb Rehab. Now she is getting sassy about the criticism. Kiss of Death. Smell ya later, bitch. You can't get sassy with the judges until you have successfully made it through 4 weeks not being in the bottom 3.

Michelle Delamor- "Falling" I have no idea who this chick is. They try to give her some extra screen time by asking her some random crap. How many times do we have to hear this song on this show? Wow. Arms spread. Lights up. Hot the drums. Las Vegas show style. Willing to bet that Simon calls it "Cruise Ship." Ellen loves it. Simon says it sounds close- but not as good as the original. Says she needs to be different, but she has done enough to move on. Kara does the head bobbing thing that she does when she talks to the "soul sisters. "She goes from sass to straight laced faster that Tyra Banks.

Didi Benami-"The Way I Am"- This is the perfect song for her. I love Ingrid Michaelson. She is even able to make it a little different. But Simon thinks it is indulgent- and too many girls are trying to be the same kind of different. Kara is actually familiar with the song, and tells them that she is making changes. I don't like her name.

Siobhan Magnus-"Wicked Game" She never should have gotten into the top 24.She looked like she was terrified/in pain at her last performance. Wow. She is singing like a dude. Her stage presence is better. And she has definitely been made over. I am starting to like her. A lot, actually. Kara brings up that it is nasally. And Randy liked the second verse better. Simon calls her a "funny little thing." Simon wants to know why she picked it--- she wanted them to see her softer side. She finds the song haunting. Simon looks like he is afraid she would kill him. Randy proves he is dumb by totally not getting a "she can blow" joke. Because she is a glass blower. Get it?

Crystal Bowersocks- "Hand in My Pocket" Dirty hippie. Dreadlocks gross me out. What is IN there? This is a way more likeable version than what Alanis originally did. I always skipped this song on the album, because I don't like yodeling. Except when Jewel does it. I dig that this chick plays the harmonica. Randy thinks she's honest and she's gonna "do her thing." Simon says yeah-" we like you, we like your baby, but there are a million of you standing outside a Subway." :)

Katie Stevens- "Feeling Good" We get to hear this for the 8,392 time on this show. I used to like her. Way too much voice for a 17 year old. It's trippy. She is doing this bouncy bop thing I don't really care for. That "I don't want to dance, but I have to do SOMETHING thing." Ellen thinks it is too old for her. And then repeats it a million times. And Simon agrees. And said it started to become annoying for that reason. "very pageanty." Randy tries to get technical. She handles that criticism like a pro, and says she can definitely make the changes, and she agrees with what the judges say. Nicely coached.

So- vote if you want. I don't. We've got the dudes tomorrow. I hate these dancing montages. They look stupid. Until tomorrow.

So Your Girl Is Taking You to See Valentine's Day

With my frequent tweeting about the Green Bay Packers, I increased my male following. Sweet! So, in order to provide them with some more value, I decided to give them some help in the relationship world. Not the mushy stuff. The "be the good boyfriend and make it look easy" way. So this Valentine weekend, if your girl asks you to go see the movie "Valentine's Day," here's what you need to know....

This follows the movie style of super star cast ensemble as seen in "Love Actually" and "He's Just Not That Into You." So, bonus for you- lots of hot chicks.

Here is what you need to know about the chicks:
-within the first ten minutes, you will get brief ass glimpses from Jennifer Garner AND Anne Hathaway. If Anne has never "done it" for ya, take a look at her new GQ photo spread. You might change your mind. Also, spoiler alert: her character is a part-time phone sex girl.
-you get TWO Jessica's... Biel and Alba. But, I have to be honest. Alba has about 11 minutes of screen time, and Biel is too skinny.
- Both Shirley Maclaine and Kathy Bates keep their clothes on.
- Julia Roberts keeps her wide mouth horse laugh to herself.

Here's what you need to know about the plot:
-Many of the characters are inter-connected. Story lines overlap. It's nothing too complicated, but it helps to pay attention.
-Most of it is completely predictable. Especially if you have turned on a TV in the last week, and seen a commercial.
- The first 45 minutes are actually pretty funny, and move pretty quickly.... then... it gets mushy and a little depressing for about 35 minutes. Of course the last half hour wraps everything up in a pretty bow.
- There will be moments when there is an audible "awwwww" from every girl in the theater. Take this opportunity to squeeze your girl's hand. You will get bonus points.
-There is a pretty equal ratio of "guys are cheaters" to "girls suck." Well, at least more balanced than most chick flicks.

Moral of the story: there are way worse chick flicks you could see. At least this one has plenty of funny moments, and isn't ridiculously sappy. It would probably be a better bet that "Dear John." Take the bonus points right now, and buck up and see it.

And no---- I didn't make my boyfriend go. He bitches too much to make it worth dragging him. I don't recommend that route. ;)

For the record- no one paid me to blog about this movie. Just trying to help a brother out.

I'm Bossy

Anyone that really knows me knows that I am bossy. I don't really have a problem with that. Instead of seeing it as a negative thing, I like to say that I like to take charge, and have things done my way. Which is usually the right way. I am surrounded by bossy women, whether it be family, co-workers, clients, whatever. Most of the time, I don't think of bossy women as anything to blink twice about. Until I am reminded that there are still chauvinistic bastards that can't handle a woman that takes charge.

Today, at an event I was in charge of, I corrected someone, and let them know the way that I wanted it to be done. The way that makes things more efficient. I joked that I wasn't taking any crap today, and while three of the dudes around me laughed and said "you tell us what you want done, and we've got it, " one said, quite sassily, "did you need me to get you some chocolate?"

That pissed me off. I hate the assumption that the reason I am being bossy is because I am PMSing. Not only is it not the case, but if it was... is that REALLY something you say to someone? And the kicker... it came from one of the bitchiest, whiniest, most negative people I get to spend time with.

Every once in awhile, when I get pushed into the "way back time machine," and get to deal with someone still living in 1975, I just have to laugh it off. Bitch about it first. But then laugh it off. Because at the end of the day, he gets to have sex with a frumpy wife. ;)

Tips for Cardinals Fans, From a Fellow Arizonan

Just got home from the Cardinal Packer Playoff game! WOWZA! First, I would like to say congrats to the Cardinals, it was a good game. You have a great team, but there are a few bones I have to pick with some of your fans. You know, the rude, drunk mean ones.

- Yelling in a stranger's face is rude. Especially if the stranger is carrying a baby, and you are a grown man.

- Some banter is expected when the opposing fan takes seats in a sea of your color, but calling them "ugly," "smelly," "fat," and "bitches" is a little over the top.

- Yelling at someone for cheering when their team scores is ridiculous. Are we supposed to golf clap?

- Chanting "Go Back Home" is a little silly, considering if it weren't for them, you wouldn't have sold out your game. And btw- my "home" is 30 miles from the stadium.

- Flipping off the players and the coaches from the other team when they are rallying their fans is tacky.

- The proper response to a departing fan from a team that took you to overtime is "good game." Not "you suck, go home."

- Overall- learn more about the rules of football- listen to the actual penalty being called-learn the names of the players on your team.

If you keep disrespecting people that travel to your state, boost your tourism and sales and buy tickets to your stadium, they won't come back. So, be nice to them, or learn how to sell out the stadium on your own.

Living in Arizona for over 10 years now, I know that many of these jerks are part of the recent fans that jump on the bandwagon of a winning team. I get crap every day (for just about 2 years) from people that tell me I should support my home team. Well, I have been a Packer fan for 27 years. I've seen Super Bowls, and I have seen seasons under .500. I bleed green and gold. When you have a legacy like the Packers, come talk to me.

Things That Are Rad- Xmas at Target

I love Christmas. All the movies and music and decorations and love. Last Christmas (I gave you my heart) was a little bit stressful, and the first time in my 27 years when I said "Christmas sucks." It made me really sad. So, this year, I am getting BACK in the spirit!! I will be listening to the Christmas music FIRST thing Friday morning, and probably watching Elf later that day. I love smiling, smiling's my favorite!! Anyhow, I am taking awhile to get to the point of this post....

I went to Target after work today to get odds and ends (why are razor blades SO expensive), and I found THESE:

Yes, those are dish towels that look like SANTA!!! Two of them, for $4.99!!! Head out right now before all the crazies get them on Black Friday.

Speaking of Black Friday, I will be in bed. Asleep. Since most of my shopping is done. Are YOU going out and facing the crowds?

Just the Tip- Invites and RSVPS

Another new feature... Just the Tip Tuesdays, where I offer honest advice that doesn't beat around the bush. Today's topic- Invites and RSVPs.

It's that time of year where schedules fill up like nobodies business. There are more things to do than there is time in the day- and you can't be everywhere at once. So, I will take this opportunity to give some tips on invites and rsvps for this busy season.

If you are inviting someone:

-Don't be the jerk that says "What are you doing ____ night?" When people are already over booked, it is tough to give an answer. Perhaps they would rather watch the latest episode of Melrose Place(don't judge) than go to some (slightly pyramid schemey) jewelry party. THERE, I SAID IT. Friends often feel obligated to say yes to you, so leading in with the date, instead of the activity just isn't fair. And neither is making them buy stuff so that you get a kick back. ;)

-Give them info that is pertinent. An invite isn't just time and location. In fact, to avoid confusion and stress on your part the day of- be really clear with directions. Just because google maps exists doesn't mean it will get them to your party easy-peasy. Also- dress code/type of gathering/what to bring is always helpful. And, speaking as a girl that was single for a realllly long time... give your single friends a heads up if it will be couple land. It's just awkward.

-Be clear of your expectations. As we have seen on Real Housewives of (insert trendy city here), many a fight has been caused by late guests. So, if you have a specific start time in mind- like a dinner party type thing- let them know. If it is breezy, and people can come and stop in after one of their other 700 obligations that evening- let them know its casual (and mean it).

-Follow up politely. Maybe they saw the invite, and are trying to chose between you and something else. If you are the jerk that says "are you coming or not?!" you end up making their decision pretty easy. People don't always mean to be rude. Sometimes they just forget to do the follow up, or have to check with someone else before they can commit. So, cut them some slack and give a gentle reminder.

If you are RSVPing:

- Respond. That is what the "R" means. The rest means please. Those darn french and all their words. I know we all get busy, and that is why evite has those lovely reminders. It is fine to figure out for sure if you can attend, but if you KNOW you can't- say no early. It is much better to know that you have a smaller crowd early than to be disappointed the day of. Drop your balls and say you can't make it, don't make excuses the day after.

-If you mess up on the RSVP, say you're sorry. I don't check my mail very often, and consequently- I frequently get invites AFTER the suggested RSVP date. So- when it happened for my aunt's wedding- I sent her a facebook message with the title of "I'm an asshole." Pointing out that you messed up is better than letting people think you don't care.

-Show up if you say you're gonna. Someone took the time to coordinate, plan and provide food and fanfare based on the idea that you are coming. It takes time, effort and money. So get there.

-Follow the rules. If the invite says "rsvp with what dish you are bringing," putting "surprise" is not the answer. If it says dinner begins "promptly at seven," get there before that. Or, maybe you don't get invited next time. Unless you're family, and you HAVE to be invited. Just know somebody there is talking about you, and it might not be nice. ;)


Long story short: everybody is busy, so be polite and help each other out by communicating. Now, go have fun responding to all those holiday party invites. Here's hoping you have enough variety to be able to say no to the really lame work thing that you feel obligated to attend.