Idol Vote-Off

Let's keep this one brief, because this whole episode should be a half hour. If only I directed this show... Don't worry- the same sappy bullshit would still be on there- it would just end on time. Every time.

So, after the review, there is my favorite part of the wrap up show, the cheesy musical medley. There is a wrench into the wheel of cheese this year, as they have to choreograph around the blind guy. This week, it was a pre-produced medley, so with the terrible lip synching, etc, etc, I started to load the dishwasher. AH! That's why no one sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" last night, because they were saving it for this shit storm.

Insert cheesey Ford commercial that is disguised as part of the show here.

Insert slightly disappointing Joss Stone and Smokey duet.

So, here is the part where Ryan is cheesy, and does his dramatic shit. If I felt like paying Cox an additional $5 a month, I would be fuh-fuhing right now. But F them. They raise my rates every three months by $3. They don't get that extra 5. The guy who is gonna win the whole thing is safe... big surprise... Justin Timberlake guy is sa... holy shit. Bottom three. Apparently people didn't like him up from the piano. Then cheesy shit... blah blah. Vampire guy is bottom three. Then it is down to the Blind Guy and the Witch/Spaz. America surprises me, and the Blind Guy is bottom three. They parade him out there... he looks like he is gonna cry. Now I feel bad for making such fun of him... then- he is announced as safe. Phew. Now it is ok that I am an asshole. :) Joey(the boyf) says, "Yeah. I knew that was gonna happen. I talked to my sister earlier, and she said it was terrible, because they bring him out just to sit him back down." True, yet somehow awesome. Just letting him know that he needs to stop fucking around.

Insert my super awesome fresh strawberry dessert. :)

Snce we have to leave the results until 7:58.45, they bring out one of the kings of Motown, Stevie Wonder. Blind guy goes ape shit, and I am afraid he is gonna fall. He starts singing "Cherie Amour," and the stupid cast sings along. I hate that shit. Kris is especially offensive. And that witch girl is snapping off beat. Ugh. Stevie is awesome, and I am pretty sure that the only reason he agreed to perform is the blind guy. He was probably like "HOLY SHIT! How do I get a guest appearance? You're gonna have to tell me what this show is like, because I have never seen an episode. Haha. I love Stevie. One of my top ten faves.

I hate hell's kitchen. Never watch it. Promos turn me off.

Here we go... I dig this sing for survival shit... :) Record setting vote..... just not for Michael. DUH. Let's see him make his stupid pained faces for the last time. Has he gotten fatter? That shirt is awful. PAULA IS TOTALLY DANCING DISCO. I want just a little of the mix she is on. Only a little, because she has a much higher tolerance for that than me.... If it is possible, that performance was even worse than last night. After some babbling, Simon pulls off the band-aid.

Video montages KILL me. And Michael is enjoying every moment of it. Good for him, because his singing career is going to peak at the local hotel bar.

Idle Hands Are The Devil's Playthings.

I am coming into this a little late in the game, I know. I felt it time, however to blog about Idol. I will use the excuse that I wanted to wait until the top ten, because they are the only ones that go on tour.
Two thoughts on that: who actually buys tickets to the tour, and are they gonna make that blind guy dance?

Okay. First I need to share that I watch Idol for the pure entertainment of Paula being nuts, Simon saying exactly what I wish I could on a daily basis, and to see the contestants squirm. I do not pick a favorite, and vote, and say "Chris shouldn't have gone home so early!!" I used to.... in 2000.

So- here is my wrap up.

This is the first time I have seen that lame judge's intro- and it is gayer than that head band kid . How did Simon agree to this?

It is Motown night. One of my favorite genres, for sure. Now I just get to watch these hopefuls "make it their own," otherwise known as butchering it. Oh joy.

First up- the Justin Timberlake kid sings "Let's Get It On." He does a great job, but I am too pissed off at the fact that people always think of Marvin Gaye and think of that song. He is so much more than a karaoke song that frat boys drunkenly slur through. I digress.

Second- that kinda goofy, kinda cute, married too young kid. He sings another over done Marvin song, "How Sweet It Is." I wish I could find video of Chris Kline RUINING this song in American Pie. Because it was life altering for me, as I now can't hear that song without cringing. This Kris does it okay. I want to ask him though.... "Do you realize that you aren't actually playing the guitar? That you are merely strumming it, with no real chord changes or anything? And it isn't even MIKED!"

Third- The blind guy. Don't call me insensitive for referring to him that way. It is a much nicer nickname than I will give some of these tools. So, last week there was a drastic improvement because someone cut his Art Garfunkel hair . But this week, he is back to that open mouthed creepy smile. He can't see himself. Someone should tell him. I blame the "cute" brother. Bet he is tired of living in blind guy's shadow. Shit, get over it. You get to hold his hand, literally, across L.A. There is a quality to his voice that reminds me of George Michael, one of my all-time favorite artists. Srsly, Freedom 90 is one of the best songs ever. However, this guy also gives the George Michael vibe in that he is totally stuck in the 90's. Time to stop the pity vote, America.

Four- The creepy chick (Megan) that Kenn refers to as a witch . She likes to be "quirky." Tonight she sucked. After Kenn talking about her witch-like qualities.... I get nervous that she is going to turn Simon into a toad.

-Hannah Montana movie commercial. I am excited.-

Five- Finally, some original song choice. One of my favorites, "Ooh Baby, Baby." And Anoop did it justice. I didn't use to like him, but this little goober is growing on me. I also just like his name.

Six- Michael Sarver. I hate this tool. He looks like one of Joss Whedon's vampire creations . And that "down home simple man vibe" never lasts that long here. He does not listen to Smokey Robinson, ans he ruins "Ain't To Proud to Beg." But, it has been ruined on Idol before. I should have listed this song as on of the ones they ALWAYS do. He should have gone home last week. Simon is perfection.

Seven- Lil. It killed me last week when Simon kept calling her "little." Apparently, he has never heard it as short for Lilian. ;) Ugh. Heart strings crap... I hate it when these Idol people try to pay homage to, or honor the ones that paved the way. It always seems so disingenuous. Whatever. She isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Whoa.... the judges actually hated it too! Except Paula, because she is drunk. Also- why do we have to preface criticism by saying that someone looks great? It is so stupid, for lack of a better term. And btw. if she sings "Heat Wave," she shouldn't wear grey.

OMG! Olvia Newton John!

Eight- Now the kinda emo, old guys don't get it (because he is a little effeminate) but the tweens feel a little tingle in their vagingos guy is up. "Tracks of My Tears" is an AMAZING song. HOLY SHIT. He looks like Zac Effron in Hairspray! He always has chapped lips though... Not gonna go there. Just get some chapstick buddy. Smokey gives him a standing O. So does the new judge.
Side note- I hate Randy. He always pulls the "I said from the beginning..." he is so irrelevant, dog.

Nine- Now it is the guy with the dead wife. I missed the intro, because I had it on mute to watch an Alan Cumming video on Facebook. I love him. Great... now we get to see Danny Gokey's lame little dance moves. One of those back up girls looked like Kimberly Locke. What ever happened to her? That's right, Celebrity Fit Club. Let's place a "win" for her in the post Idol success category. Perhaps she actually did fall in love with the eighth world wonder. Sorry- you may have noticed that I purposely spaced out. Basically because I can't stand his "I just want to spread joy to the world" bullshit. Ha- Simon called him goofy and amateurish.

So, we are coming back with the final performer, the 16 year old girl with the voice aged beyond her years, in a good way... I am guessing she will knock it out.

Speaking of Zac Effron- I knew he was in a newer version of that Freaky Friday kind of thing, with just the dad getting younger, no swapping. BUT I didn't know Matthew Perry was in it! Rad. Also- Zac, good move on backing out of Footloose to pursue a more serious acting career.

Final- Allison. I freaking dig this girl. She doesn't take too many liberties, but rocks it. And I love that she kinda gives the new judge a "jeez lady, chill out" look when she creams her panties over her. Simon and Paula have a weird thing, and I think half the time Simon just whispers something retardo to out her off balance. Then pretend that he never said a thing, and Paula comes from the state of Wackadoo.

YOUR VOTE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER.... this Idol apparently will inherit a budget deficit and a recession... oh, no, wait. That was when we voted for President.


I hope the witch or the vampire go home.

It Isn't ALWAYS Good to Multi-task

I was driving to work this morning, and I see the guy in front of me making firm, calculated arm movements. I looked closer, and realized he was flossing... hard core. It was gross.

All I have to do is dreammmmmm. Dream, Dream, Dream.

So, I have been having some pretty crazy dreams this past week. Let's look at last night's dream and analyze it. Here is what I remember...

I was on a bus. Not really sure where I was going. Anyhow, at some point, I decided that riding the bus was no longer the fastest way to get where I was going, and so I got off and started walking. I somehow met up with the graphic designer at work (really weird because as cool as she is, we don't hang out). Then, I was somehow at a hotel with my aunt and cousin and sisters. Then we were in a big white kitchen, making food to take with us on the trip. Then the other side of the family was in the kitchen. I think the order of things might be a little screwed up... but that is the just of it. So, I looked up some of the meanings at dreammoods.com. Here is what it said.

Trip
To dream that you are going on a trip, suggests that you are in need of a change of scenery.You are feeling overworked and need to take time out for yourself for some fun and relaxation.

Bus
To dream that you are riding a bus, implies that you are going along with the crowd. You are lacking originality and are taking no control over where your life is taking.

Hotel
To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life.*Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.

Kitchen
To see a kitchen in your dream, signifies your need for warmth and spiritual nourishment. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are caring for your loved ones.

Walking
To dream that you are walking with ease, signifies a slow, but steady progress toward your goals. You are moving through life in a confident manner. Consider your destination.


So, all I can say is.... wow.

I Need Ritalin

I have been so bogged down with meetings over the last few days, that I am effectively brain dead. Ooooh. Bad choice of words. Sorry Liam. :( Too soon... too soon.

So, in an effort to make me clear my head of randomness so that I can be productive, here are some thoughts, Larry King style.

- Simon Cowell is amazing. I think it is funny that the audience boos him when he is critical, but pisses themselves with excitement when he gives a compliment. I wish I had that power.

- Since my boyfriend and I live on opposite sides of town, we try to alternate homes each weekend. When people invite me to something on my side of town when it is his weekend, I am irritated.

- I hate the new facebook. I don't care if people post an "Easter Egg" on someone else's page. Now I can't delete it from my feed without deleting everything that person posts. Horse shit.

- I don't want to get fat feet and a fat(ter) ass when I am pregnant. Why are our bodies punished for bringing life into the universe?

- Why is no one talking about how that doctor shouldn't have put all those eggs in the octomom's basket? When did we forget that was insanity?

- I am usually more excited about March Madness. I think I still just miss Lute. But I think it is cool that we have a President that puts a bracket together, even if he has Arizona losing to Utah . Thank God he didn't put Duke to go all the way; I may have called my vote back.

- Why can't people just let Barack do his job? What ever happened to working together to figure things out? It was hilarious to me that people were afraid of him changing our political system so much, when he can barely get congress's approval for a bathroom break. People really need to educate themselves a little more, and stop listening to the talking heads who just say dumb shit for ratings. Whatever happened to the news?

- I volunteered to make dinner tonight. I still don't know what I am gonna make. It might be a game time decision at Fresh and Easy. That place is awesome.

- So, there is a guy that actually teaches a class on how to "look" busy at work. Can people not figure this out on their own?!?! It's called blogging. Get with the program. (I saw this on the news the other day- wish I had a link for you)

- I have to do something productive now... one last burst of energy at the end of the day.

That's a Really Big Hole

This weekend I did something I had never done before... I went to the Grand Canyon. I can't claim that it was my idea. The boyfriend was trying to plan a weekend, to get some much needed relationship r&r. His first choice was the haunted hotel in Jerome, but it was booked. We are gonna have to try that one again sometime. He decided on Friday that it would be the Canyon. Bright and early on Saturday morning, we made the 3 hour drive.
Let me just tell you... even in person it doesn't look real. It was still cold enough in the morning that there was a little frost/fog in the air. By the afternoon, it was beautiful. Totally unreal, and had we had the energy we would have stayed for the sunset. But that will be another time. We have already decided to train to do some hiking there. With the impromptu nature of our trip, neither of us had fully prepared ourselves for anything too crazy with the hiking. Our first training session will be this weekend on South Mountain.

Aren't we cute?!?!

It's Been a Long Time- Shouldn't Have Left You, Without a Dope Beat to Step to

GeeeeeZo! It has been over a week since I blogged last. I am an asshole. What have you been doing all this time... You probably just went on living your lives. It's cool.

So, here is a little more serious a topic. This weekend, I went to a friend's bachelorette getaway. I knew that it wasn't going to be the most smooth of weekends, as there were 11 girls hanging out. And at least two of them bring drama with them wherever they go. I expected this. Don't get me wrong, it was a blast! I made some new friends, relaxed by the pool, and sent my friend off into married lady land with a bang. There was only one thing that was really wrong. The two pre designated drama makers did just that. And the married one nearly cheated on her husband. (I will pause while you all gasp, and get comfortable to read the rest).

Our hotel was great, everything we needed was there (minus a mcdonalds). Food, pool, club, etc. It was great to never leave. On Friday night, we all got in. After some awesome sushi, we went upstairs to get a little pre-drinking action on, and ended up meeting a bachelor party just a few doors down. As most of those guys were married/committed, and most of us were the same we took a liking to each other. It was comfortable and fun, without the "aww yeahh, I'm gonna get some" vibe in the air. We all went down to the club to party. That is where we lost some people. One was drunk and wandered back to the room. She was fine. No worries. Two others decided to go on a man hunting mission. Cool, whatever... but one was married. At the end of the night, we found out that she had ended her evening in the hot tub with a random dude. HUH!?

The room I was in (the coolest of all of them), could not get over this. What would possess you to get into a hot tub ALONE with someone that was not your husband? ESPECIALLY if you were hammered. This was the rumbling all day.

When we all finally gathered for dinner on Saturday, the tension was palpable. At first, I thought it might just be my room that was upset, and then I found out that pretty much everyone was pissed. Especially after the douchebag guy in question came to the married skank at dinner, and smooched and fondled all over her. Done. We were over it. Especially since her husband is the only reason anyone talks to this skeeze (otherwise, she basically sucks at life). Then she and her partner in crime head over to the bar with McDouche to go chat up some other dudes, including a basketball star.

I could give a play by play... but it would make you puke. Fast forward to the night at the club. We have all now made it there, but again lose the skeeze. One of my new friends and I decide to go on a spy mission. We are the two that are not connected to the group, and the obligatory nature of it, so we figure, if we see her doing something shady, we can call her out. We don't have to see her again, what the hell. Instead, we find pure word vomit from McDouche.

McDouche is entertaining a table of guys, and does not see/recognize us. We stand there, pretending to apply gloss, look at the pictures from the evening, etc. Here is his story:

"So last night, I am in the hot tub with this chick. She is in her thong and bra, and we head upstairs. I am PRAYING that no one is in my room. We open the door, and there is my friendly fucking roommate. He's all "hey guys!" and I'm like, "fuck." Then he's all, "are you guys hungry!?" and she's all "yeah!" and we order roomservice. She was hot yo, and all my friends were like, "dude, how'd you land that chick?" and I was all "right?!!" She is here with a bachelorette party and they are all Delicious. I could go point her out to you, she's inside. I have about like, 25 girls I chatted up today. Let's finish this smoke, get another drink and then check out the chicks."

At this point, the guys he is entertaining understand that he is a total tool. And say.... "nah man, I think we are gonna leave."

We immediately go inside and share our info. One of the girls lets the skeeze know that McDouche is telling everyone at the bar how he was this close to banging her.... her response: "but we didn't even kiss." Wait, what? Ohhh... that's right... there's the whole clause of if you are in your thong in a hot tub with a stranger letting him grope you, and then take you upstairs it is totally cool as long as there was no kissing. Forgive me, I forgot that one. You're off the hook skeeze. (pause) NOT!

A big drama fest ensued, with the maid of honor telling her she would punch her in the face if she hurt the husband. The other bridesmaid quite matter of factly told her that her actions were inappropriate. She of course, decided that she would be mad at that one, you know, the one that wouldn't kick her ass. More girl drama bullshit- "we're leaving first thing in the morning, blah blah....."

She called her husband that night to tell her version of the story, and prepare him for the possible onslaught of angry calls. Don't know if it happened.

I think it is disgusting. How bout YOU!?!?

Chipoooooodle

So, this is my second post about food. I really like food, and my hips can prove it. Today, since my roomie was taking a new yoga class, I was on my own for dinner. I was starving, and then I remembered that I had a coupon bag for a FREE burrito!! Thank you Sunday paper! Here is a little insight to my burrito order:

-I order the chicken fajita burrito. It comes with chicken, rice and fajita veggies. When they ask me if I want beans, I get irritated. It doesn't come with beans, thank you.
-Sometimes I get "just a little" rice. Usually when I feel chubby.
-I get the hot salsa. It is a red sauce that is better than the Qdoba sauce, because it is actually spicy.
-I get sour cream and "lots of rice." I am not afraid to ask for more cheese. Because cheese is awesome.
-Before I eat it, I roll it. As in... I take it while it is sill in the tin foil, and roll it like my hands are a rolling pin. Sometimes I roll it like rolling a bread stick in my hand. The point is to evenly distribute the salsa and the sour cream. I taught my sister this, and she taught her friends. It is now a phenomenon.
- After the roll, I take a bite and look at the distribution. Sometimes I have to shift the fold of the burrito, so that the bite is lined up in a more balanced way.
- I like to have my final bite contain a chunk of cheese. That way, my mouth is not as hot.

There was a couple in front of me today that had never been to Chipotle. They got the regular chicken burrito, with the mild and the corn salsa. They seemed upset that guacamole would be extra. Where do you ever go that guacamole is included? Anyhow- I wonder if they will be back. They came in with their free burrito bag too, so I guess it is fair to say that the Chipotle marketing team deserves a raise.

Random side note- I love Simon Cowell tonight.

Hazzah!

So. Sorry for the delay. I was over at the boyfriend's this weekend, and his internet was not working. Boo. Right before I was about to dump him, the cox guy showed up and fixed it. Joking. I wouldn't dump someone over lack of internet.... would I? ;)

Today, my sisters and I had an outing with some friends to the Renaissance Festival. Something we make sure to hit once a year, but each year I get less excited. This year, we had a good time, but I think I have officially ended my relationship with the Tortuga Twins. They suck. Allow me to give you their basic plot: take 20 minutes to tell everyone how funny their show is. How it is crazy and not for kids. Insert quasi-gay guy jokes. Then they pick people from the audience- a girl with big boobs... and then, a couple other people who matter less because they don't have big boobs. They then use these people to tell a classic story, like Little Red Riding Hood. That story is actually only 12 sentences long, but takes 20 minutes to tell, because they need to tell a few more gay jokes and then oogle the boobies to prove they only joke about being gay. After 16 years at the AZ Ren Fest, you think they would come up with some better material. Over it. We actually left their show to see London Broil. More about them in a minute.



Here they are. I stole this from photobucket. Don't be confused- there are three, but they are twins. It is part of the schtick.

A group much cooler is the London Broil. They juggle. AND are funny. AND I have a crush on Duncan, and today we made a connection, and if I could deal with living in an RV, we would be on the way to Vegas to get married. I took some really cool video, of them juggling, and juggling chairs, and juggling and shifting and juggling and dancing with FIRE. But, because I am an idiot, and I have a new phone, I deleted them when I thought I was saving them. Crap. Oh well. Here is a picture my sister took on the school trip.



Here they are, juggling with fire. Because they are fucking rad. And Duncan would be the one in the red and blue.

London Broil was the highlight of the day, followed by the white and milk chocolate covered strawberries. :) Otherwise, it is a bunch of dirty hippies.

Hazaah!

I Thought I Was Competitive

So, those who know me know that I am extremely competitive. Not only am I competitive in games, etc, but I compete with myself as well. For example- I have to carry ALL my grocery bags in from the car in ONE trip.

Today, on the freeway, I saw a guy with a personalized plate of "LUV2WIN." Or something like that. I got my phone to take a picture, and then this piece of shit 90's convertible cut me off. Bastard. The point- I am not as competitive as that guy.. maybe.

One guy that I can say with most certainty is (was) more competitive than me is this guy. Sergey Tuganov. This crazy Russian was bet $3400 that he could not satisfy two ladies with a half day sex marathon. After downing a full bottle of Viagra, he did. He won. Aaaaaaand subsequently died of a heart attack.

At least he went out with a bang. (ba dump bump)