March 31, 2009

Amer- I- Can!

I didn't think I was going to make it in time for the beginning. I went to Target to pick up cat litter and tooth paste, and walked out with $78 worth of stuff. Darn you Target and your clean aisles, great use of color, and quality products at a reasonable price! The major time on this trip was spent trying to find two birthday cards. Birthday cards suck these days. I should start writing them. File that one away... I picked up a Wendy's mandarin chicken salad. Good Stuff. As I was rushing home, I heard IDOL calling out to me, in the form of the Jame Taylor version of "How Sweet It Is," no doubt Chris Kline's inspiration for his shit-tacular performance in American Pie.

So, I think I figured out how to make this show run on time.... eliminate the really lame multiple intros. Ryan walks through the contestants.... then the judges come out, and we have to hear lame feedback from last week, and vague predictions for tonight. Then we bring out the finalists AGAIN. Eliminate one or the other contestant intros, and this show ends on time.

Tonight's theme... "Anything that is popular on I-Tunes." I hope someone does Peanut Butter Jelly Time . What a totally broad category that will open the ability to fuck this up even more. Score. Insert lame and unnecessary trip to Ryan's radio studio. Great cross promotion.

Anoop is up first... "Caught Up." He is lame again. He is not sexy. And he makes this weird face where he pulls out his bottom chin like a bulldog, and does these totally exaggerated arm movements that are best used by the drag queens in the "Celebrity Revues." Boo. The other girl judge's critique is on point. "It seems like a bunch of frat boys dared you to get up there and do it." Cue the friends in the audience. What does Anoop have to say? "Their opinions are their opinions... I am trying to be an R and B artist.. blah blah," defensive and sassy with the judges. No good. While opinions are like assholes (everybody has one), you ARE an asshole, Anoop.

Megan the witch. What is that outfit in her video montage?! Lace period shirt with overalls? Whoop whoop! (flashing lights) Fashion police! She is going to butcher "Turn the Lights Down Low." Apparently Bob Marley and Lauren hill have done it. I have never heard it... and my life would be ok if I never did again. This was so terrible, it woke Baxter up from a nap on the couch. I like Kara more. She called her irritating. Paula looks like hell, and she is to old to be wearing glitter on her face. Apparently tonight, she is going to script everyone's performance for next week, and tell them what to do.

Whatever happened to opening the show with at least a decent performance? If I had approached this season like I normally do, and came in around this point to see what is up... I never would have come back. I would be watching 90210. The new one. Which I am missing. Because apparently people like my idol posts, and I seek validation. :D

Beyonce should not be an actress. Have we learned nothing from Goldmember?

Danny Gokey is in the chair. Ryan is gonna ask what he is gonna sing, and then he is gonna chose something lame and inspirational, because he has a dead wife. Ha- I was right. "What Hurts the Most." Hey, did you know that he has a dead wife? I think he forgot to mention that last week. Let's bring it back this week to ensure the vote. That way, this crappy song can be seen as "emotional," and not totally God Awful. Wow. He really works that "COME BACK TO ME!" line. Please cry. Please. I hope that if my future husband has a dream of being a rockstar, he chooses to exploit my tragic death and get himself to stardom. It would be such an honor. Surprise. Paula loves it. How does Simon get duped? I am so over this show tonight. I am gonna go get some cheese.

Okay the 16 year old. "Don't Speak." Done. Loved it. Here is my credit card to reserve the copy of her album. Randy has said the only on point thing he has said for the last three years. Her outfit was terrible. Maybe I loved the performance because I didn't see the outfit until I came back from the kitchen. Fucking Paula, calling her guitar her "axe." She is such a poser. Simon and I are in a fight tonight. Get over the outfit people! She is amazing. Holy Shit. I just became a fangirl.

Scott Macintyre is coming back with Billy Joel, one of my favorite artists ever. If he fucks this up.....

Text message- wow. Look at that. Joey found a shirt for our friend's wedding this weekend. Let's just hope he grabs the right pair of black pants from his closet,and I don't see him in pleats. I should have grabbed those when I had the chance and sent them to Goodwill... I love him, I do. But pleated pants?!?!

This glee club show looks pretty funny. And that girl kinda reminds me of Idina Menzel . In case you haven't noticed by now, I type AS I watch... Basically because I am a multi-takser.

Scott. "Just The Way You Are." Alright. If he fucks this up he better be ready for my wrath. His hair is kinda Richard Marx. You can tell that he sings church music. I don't really know how to explain that critique. There are some moments I really liked, and some that were okay, but overall I enjoyed it because I could feel his passion. What the hell am I becoming? I better go pee on a stick, because I am far too girly about this show right now. I apologize to all of my readers, I don't know what is wrong with me. Paula is so stupid. She is most proud of him out of all the contestants, not because of his challenge, but the fact that he works hard, and makes her forget his challenge. Simon makes a face, because that is total bullshit.

So the Justin Timberlake guy that was in the bottom three last week is up. I like his accent. He moved the piano off stage and into the audience. He is doing this weird bouncing thing that is awful. Oh. Because he is standing up and playing the keyboard. What a tool. I am not about this. He made the Fray even whinier. How is that possible? Do I even care what the judges think? Ha. Paula hates it. Too bad she can't speak English. Why does she stutter when she is saying something mean? Simon is on point. He said it felt "put on." We are not in a fight anymore. We made up. Snuggle.Simon just called Randy out for doing what he always does, saying the same thing that Simon does after he said it.

Lil. Singing Celine Dion. That dress is terrible. Hey, did you know that Lil has a big voice? I am sure you forgot after Heat Wave last week. But this week, with a Celine Dion power ballad, and the microphone center stage, and the evening gown, she is telling you she is serious about it. AND the kids are in the audience. Ha. Way to bring them out for the vote. The little girls are even matching. Hey- Randy- why don't you tell her ONE more time that she should sing Mary J. Blige. Maybe make one of those stupid signs that the people in the audience hold up. Ryan interviews her little girl. She fails the interview, and Ryan encourages violence. But then Lil Rounds cries when Randy hugs her daughter. She ain't going no where.

The emo kid is singing "Play That Funky Music." Those background graphics are awful. His hair is even more Elvis than last week. Hm. I feel weird. And he does this James Brown yell sing thing that makes me feel weird things. Not in my vangingo or anything- gay guys don't get me hot. His final note made Baxter roll over and look up in surprise. I LOL'd. Cue screaming tweens, and screaming Paula. Oh God." True Genius." She just compared him to Steven Tyler and Mic Jagger. And did so eloquently. It was odd. He finally pays credit to the band, that came up with the arrangement. He has done a good job of appealing to the tweens' moms by removing the piercings and nail polish. Guess he realized that is where the money really comes from to buy albums.

Final performance is Kris. I was in the other room when it started, and I forgot who he was. "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is one of my favorites. He is gonna bring out the piano and make it his own. Isn't that the blind guys' thing?! But it was really good. Randy is dumb. Kara learned how to count, Kenn . Definitely his best performance. Kris is cute.... That lip licking thing is nice.

Wait. it is 8:22... how are we rolling the reviews?!? Ew. Longer recaps. Megan sucks. Wow. Actually watching the 16 year old's performance, she IS precocious. Scott earned his spot this week. Lil Rounds would have been huge in 97. Adam Lambert is a genius. Not musically, but in the creating a marketing machine kinda way. That's what this show is about anyway. 3 minutes of recap. I want to kick Megan in the face.Shew is standing behind Ryan making the spaziest faces. Oh. We are running on time because of the Osbornes. Where is the clicker? Life was better when they went off the air.

I hope Megan is gone. Seriously, she is dealing with some super witch spells to keep herself on.

Gotta go finish my book for my book club meeting tomorrow!


melissa said...

Hey! Be thankful you have a pretty Target that you can buy quality products at a reasonable price.

So Cal Targets have the same product- but it is always broken, opened, tattered, thrown around. Sadness.

and last night my mom was nagging me about American Idol and how I just HAD to watch...and I said "naw, I will get a spot-on recap tomorrow" so thank you for that :)

Marissa said...

sucks about your Target, yo. :(

and no problem about the recap. apparently my mom reads my blog now, and is amused. hey man... that's all you can ask for.