Idol Recap- The Longest Hour of My Life

I only listened to the first 11 minutes, because fajitas are more important to me than Jamie Foxx. In case you are new to my blog- I can't stand him. So I just won't talk about him unless it is a good joke.

Boyfriend saw Taye Diggs in the audience, and as I am slinging onions I ask if Idina Menzel was with him. "Is there a white girl with dark hair and a big nose sitting with him." He says "I think so." So, anybody?

Lee sings "Kiss From a Rose," which someone sings every year. And it sucked. There, caught up.

Awkward Stool Time with Big Mike. It appears as though we have just woken him up from a slumber. He sings "Will You Be There" which is a Michael Jackson song from some movie that probably sucked. Jaime offered him the "contestant" shirt, because that practice performance was not enough "artist" for him. Oh Lord, do we really need a gospel choir on the stairs? Haven't we played this out? I'm gonna get more fajitas. Ellen reminds us all that this is from Free Willy. i remember seeing it in the theater, and wondering why the girl had so many bathing suits. I've always been practical. Simon asks what Free Willy is about, and wonders what it has to do with the song. And Kara, queen of the "sing the lyrics and understand the meaning" says "it's just a song." Sell out.

Lee and Crystal do this duo that I swear someone did last year. But, I looked back to my blogs and learned that I need to do a better job at tagging. Not like anyone cares that someone sang this at some point, but whatever. The judges geeked out over it, and I think it was annoying. Probably because I am still really pissed that everyone is so boring this season.

I really hate it when the mentors tell the contestants to "seduce them." This isn't as lame as that time the ALW told someone to pretend he was singing a love song to a little girl. I would link it, but as mentioned a few minutes ago, I do a really shitty job of tagging my blogs. Casey doesn't surprise us for a moment, and does "Mrs. Robinson."Randy makes a big joke about the song being about an older woman seducing a younger man. Somebody have a stick? We have a dead horse over here to beat. It sucked.

Crystal is singing the "classic song from Caddyshack," and if she fucks up Kenny Loggins that bitch is going through a wall. She was fine.

Casey and Mike did that annoying song from Don Juan De Marco. I wasn't paying attention, because my gmail account was hacked, and I was letting everyone know that I was hacked. You know, because potential employers really like to be sent links to Canadian Health care. Fuck.

Idol Recap- Somebody Swims With the Fishes

These cheesy lip synched openings are awful. The only thing that is worse are these stupid commercials. You can just ignore the first 11 minutes.

What a nice little package to show what Tuesdays are like for the contestants both before the show, and now that they are celebrities. Crystals baby is weird looking. Funny that they have fake judges for the rehearsal. I want that job. Are they hiring? I can do a really good Kara impression.

Big Mike is totally chill, Crystal too. WHY DO WE TRY TO TALK TO THEM TONIGHT?? WHY NOT JUST CUT THIS SHOW TO HALF AN HOUR?!?!? Lee is safe, duh. And we go to commercial.

Tonight's performance is Gaga. Seacrest says she is singing "Alejandro," which to me sounds like a song from Ace of Base. Bitch is crazy, but her body is banging. Her dancers are wearing weird50's style bathing suit bottom things. It is a weird mix of singing live and lip synching. The weird Jesus Angel on stage makes me uncomfortable.

Thank you Harry Connick for making this episode bearable. I want to hang out with him. A lovely montage of all his little jokes. Including telling Mike to stop talking about the baby, telling Aaron to stop with the smile, and having a staring contest with Lee. What a catch. So- where do I buy this album legally? He makes me feel all warm and mushy.

Top 5 sing Harry songs!!! :) They should put some Christmas songs in this mix. :D Aaron just blends into the stage. It's time to go, kiddo. Big Mike is singing sex. That is the only way to describe it. Then Harry tells a story about how he sang for Sinatra, messed up the words, and Sinatra kissed Harry's wife (then gf). Ha.

Oh yeah, this is a results show. Don't worry about letting the band take a seat. They can just hang out on the stage. Crystal is sent by the piano. Big Mike stands on the opposite side. Aaron joins Big Mike. Casey obviously joins Crystal. Ryan asks Lee to choose who is the bottom two, and Lee goes #2. Mike and Aaron are bottom two. Mikey there again. Bet the judges are real glad they saved him.

There is justice in the world, and Aaron Kellly goes home about three weeks later than he should have. Hope you enjoy your prom, buddy. I'm sure you won't have a problem getting a date.

Idol Recap- Call Me Irresponsible

For some reason, Sir Anthony Hopkins is in the audience. I think I remember him there once last year too. Weird.

Tonight is Sinatra night, and Harry Connick Jr is the mentor. He is looking good in his suit, too. Harry has brought members of his band with him, and he has helped to work on some arrangements. At least, that's what I think I heard.

Sinatra's two daughters are there, and give Simon a monogrammed hankie that belonged to Frankie. Whoa, Harry is giving legit feedback, and telling him what notes to hold when. He is singing "Fly Me to the Moon," and I want him to fly home, because his time has come. Randy rambles. Ellen jokes that the piano is pitchy. Ha. They have new coke cups this week. They are very 80's. Kara blah blah blah. Simon didn' t think he was cool enough, but he tries hard. Oh- tonight starts the 2 numbers business.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey. He was telling a funny story- but I didn't care enough to rewind. He is singing "Blue Skies," and Harry said that this song wasn't about the lyrics, but the vibe. ROUGH start. And it continues. I don't like it at all. Randy says it was pitchy all the way through. Casey looks Hiiiiiiiiigh. Ellen digs at Harry again. One more time, and it's too much. Kara said he sounded like a lamb, and a cougar in the audience loses her shit. Simon says he seemed awkward. Harry says that it was better in the rehearsal, and it is hard to hear on the stage, so that is probably playing a part. Good call- they are used to lame back ups, not a real orchestra.

Why do we need a commercial in between each performance? This is really quite ridiculous. Crystal is singing "Summer Wind," and has a connection that she is hiding. Because she is so mysterious. Oh Lordie! She has a tacky sun tattoo thing across her entire back. Wait. Is it a daisy? Or a sunflower? Either way, it's too much. Harry Connick is such a stud. Randy said it was sleepy. Is everyone red tonight, or is it just boyf's tv? Looks like Bowersox was by the pool. Kara liked her phrasing. Simon loves the song, but said it felt indulgent. She needs to shut her mouth with the backtalking.

Big Mike gets some awkward stool time. He is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." He goes for the more upbeat version. Which I don't like as much. Tony Bennet does my favorite version. Big Mike looks all watery eye high today too. Did they do a pool scene or something? What the hell?
Randy yells, so that means he likes it. Blah blah. I am so over Big Mike. Simon loves the performance too. I am sad that this is the last season I get to watch. Wish there was bigger talent.

Lee is up, and Harry shares that his wife thinks he is cute. Harry is such a ham. I love him. Lee is singing "That's Life," which is a great song for this season's regular guy. Too bad I can barely understand a word he is saying. Haha, Ellen says she was distracted by Harry's organ. LOLZ. The judges love it mucho.

Apparently the have Gaga tomorrow? Odd pairing.

1, 2 Freddy's Coming for You

You may have noticed there was no Idol blog last night. That's because I was at a pre-screening for the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Before I tell you all about it, I should let you know that no one is paying me for this review- I just like to pretend like I am cool because I saw it early.

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. My friends and I even created a scary movie CLUB, where we take notes and rate movies in 5 different categories on a scale of 1-5 bloody hatchets. Yeah, no one ever said I wasn't a huge dork. Anyway- the point of this ramble is that I was SUPER excited about the Nightmare remake. As a fan of the original, I can see that some would see this as another lame Hollywood excuse to bring back a successful franchise to turn a profit. Don't get me wrong, that is totally what this is. Still entertaining.

Here are the spoiler free bullet points:

- There's no nudity. Probably a good thing, since this version clearly paints Freddy as a child molester. Talking about that and then showing Katie Cassidy's boobs would be in poor taste.
- It's gory. Blood splatters, throat slitting, knives through the back. Not for the weak of stomach.
- It heavily relies on the "jump" factor. You know, where it's really quiet, except for the creepy music, and you're just WAITING for Freddy to jump out. The girl next to me nearly needed a medic by the end. If she had been eating popcorn, instead of a pretzel, I would still be pulling the kernels out of my bra.
- The movie is predictable. It isn't a frame by frame remake, like Psycho was. It is a "re imagination." There are a few similar characters, like Nancy. But her police dad is nowhere in sight and her mom isn't a boozer anymore. :/ That fake tan, feathered hair an pink lipstick was incredible. New mom is a pretty red head.
- The front end is really death heavy. Which is entertaining, but when Nancy is trying to figure out the "who, what, why" there aren't many people to talk to.
- Original Krueger was creepier. The makeup in this film is a lot more realistic, which I thought I would like. But it just doesn't hit the same part in your gut. You see him more as a victim than a monster. And as the boyf pointed out, his voiceovers where super cheesey, a la Christian Bales's super deep Batman voice.

So, if you go in knowing that this is just another horror remake, you won't be disappointed. Don't go in expecting Oscar worthy performances or non stop action.

For those that really want to know some spoiler shit, read below...







- Kellan Lutz is the first to die, in a Drew Barrymore Scream kind of way. His make up is outstanding, and probably the best "I haven't slept for days" look that the movie offers.
- 3/4 of the teens die within the first 45 minutes of the movie. Katie Cassidy's flinging about the bedroom death is about as good as the original. Of course, Thomas Dekker witnesses it, and is arrested for her murder in about 6 minutes. You know, how most homicides work. Thomas Dekker's jail cell death is gory and disgusting and awesome.
- Things get kind of boring for awhile, with emo "Nancy" (some actress I've never seen) talking to "Quentin" about her dreams. It takes way too long for them to realize they are having the same dreams, and way too long for them to realize there must be some connection.
- We find that the kids were all friends in preschool, and the parents decided to just hide that fact, send them to different elementary and middle schools and then have them meet up and magically become friends in High School. Because that is totally plausible. They keep them apart because they want to be sure that the kids didn't remember that the preschool gardener was a molester. Nancy believes it but Quentin doesn't.
- While Nancy goes to research, Quentin pretends it is all just coincidence and heads to swim practice. He then transports from swim practice to the past,via dream sequence, where he sees his dad as the ring leader of the "kill the beast" scene. They chase Freddy to an industrial area, and light him on fire. Then, of course, Quentin thinks maybe Freddy didn't molest kids, and the parents killed an innocent man. So, he is coming back in dreams and KILLING PEOPLE to prove he isn't a bad guy. Stupid.
- Of course, Nancy uses the internet to find all the other kids from preschool. Because this is the best search engine in the history of the world, the weird and wacky deaths of the other preschoolers are the top 5 results when she searches for them. Because there is only one "Kate Jones," and she went to Nancy's preschool. She even gets to watch one kid's death via web-cam on his blog. Because most videos you post online get up their entirely on their own by magic. So even after you're dead- they can post themselves. Quentin comes and tells her his dream, and they realize they must go "learn the truth" by visiting the old preschool.
- FF through a drug store scene and a hospital scene and we end up at the preschool. It's fenced off, and apparently not at all demolished since 1997. Just dust and cobwebs. In Arizona, that shit would have either become a holding place for illegal immigrants, or a meth house. Just sayin. They go to the basement, where Freddy has been leading them, and find the "cave" that their preschool selves told their parents is where the bad stuff happens. Nancy was his favorite, so of course all of her naked kid Polaroids are found in a box. Terrible. They then realize Freddy is a sick fuck, and was bringing them there to remember, since memories are the source of his power.
- Nancy wants to save the day, just like in the original, and Quentin is supposed to wake her up when she is struggling, so that she can bring Freddy out of her dream to kill him. That never made sense to me in the original, and it is even weaker of an answer in this one. Of course Quinten falls asleep and fails, getting heavily injured in the process. Nancy then has this whole 10 minute creepfest with Freddy, ending up in her room on her bed in a grown up version of her kid dress. Freddy then tells her that he kept her alive long enough to get totally delirious and sleep deprived so that when she fell asleep, it would be a coma forever. You know, so he could sexually assault her for days and she wouldn't wake up and leave dream land. That is the creepiest time for Freddy.
- While Nancy is struggling, Quentin of course wakes up and tries to wake up Nancy- with no success. He then remembers the Epinephrine he stole from the hospital, and Pulp Fictions her into consciousness. She brings Freddy out, slits his throat, and delivers the classic "you're in MY world now, bitch" line that is standard in every horror film. They then light the place on fire, which brings the fire dept and paramedics. Which they needed, because Quentin's crashed car wasn't gonna get them back home through the corn fields.
- Nancy is home, and safe. She is talking to her mom- who happens to be standing in front of a mirror. We see Freddy's reflection stabbing mom and grabbing her into dream world. Fin.

Of course there is a set up for part two. Not sure whether it will be in production before the 2nd Friday the 13th. Word is, Jared Padalecki is holding up that production- waiting for the offer that includes his own personal on set hairstylist to make sure the 70's butt part is perfect in every scene. Joke. But seriously, WTF is up with his hair?

So- moral of the story- gory, jumpy and an actual plot- slow moving as it may be. Death toll could have been a little higher, but that's just me. ;)

Idol Recap- On the 6

We begin with Ryan introducing the remaining contestants as though they were cast members of The Breakfast Club: the brain, the jock, the princess, the dirty hippie... you get the idea. Wanna know how the show can not run over? Cut the first three minutes.

Tonight's mentor is Shania Twain, and I dig her. I can't believe that troll of a husband cheated on her. How can you even LAND her when you look like this? Which is also the only professional photo that was ever taken of him, and shown on every mention.

Lee, The Painter, is up first and taking on "You're Still the One." He rocks it out in his own little way, and the judges love it. Tell him he's making some funny faces though, and Kara totally interrupts and yells over Simon. Because sometimes it just isn't worth it, he just says he is done talking. She appears genuinely surprised. Another way to save time? Turn off the judges mics when they are done talking.

Big Mike, The Father, is singing some ballad that I have never heard before. Shania tells him he could sing the phone book and love it, and Mike with his big ego glows and smiles. She tells him not to take it for granted, and he needs to sing with passion because that is what winners do. He made Shania cry, in a good way. This week, Randy says that he loves the R&B ballady stuff. Bet ya next week that he will tell him he needs to mix it up. Ellen called it Luther Vadrossy, which is a good thing. Kara talks about how Shania is a songwriter, blah blah blah. Simon says Ellen is on point with the Luther, but said the song was "wet," which causes all sorts of controversy.

Casey, The Construction Worker, had stool time with Ryan, and sang some song that seemed kinda familiar. I was busy drawing a map for my sister to pick up our cousins from daycare. Also made her feel my abs as I am in day 4 of level 2 in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Serious business. The judges loved it, best performance ever, blah blah.

Crystal Bowersox, The Mother, is singing "No One Needs To Know Right Now." Shania tells her to be more upbeat. Apparently she is singing it for her boyfriend. It's cute and happy. Randy said it wasn't his FAVORITE performance. It wasn't Ellen's either, but she uses the analogy that it is like choosing your favorite color of the rainbow. Kara, AGAIN, says that she agrees with "the guys." Apparently forgetting that Ellen is a girl. Again. Simon said it was like the performers in the coffee shop that are there, but you really don't want to see. Ryan tries to stir the pot, and asks for Crystal's response to the criticism. Then there is an awkward exchange with her boyfriend. Another minute that could be saved.

I'm not even going to talk about Aaron, because I am so over him. And apparently I have been getting his age wrong. He is 17. Is GLEE on yet?

Siobhan, The Glass Blower, is butchering "Any Man of Mine." Why would she EVER chose this song? And the outfit is terrible. She struggles through the song, and is having mic problems, ans Shania is grimacing. Then there is a very disjointed screeching at the end. Shania golf claps. Randy eats it up. Ellen- "way to pull the Shania Twain into the station." Lame. Kara says "guess who's baAAaack!" Simon said he liked the song, but the screeching sounded like she was giving birth.

Apparently the Fox Gods let Idol know that they aren't there bread and butter anymore, because they are ending just about on time. Well, at least the most on time in recent years.

Idol Recap- Idol Gives Back

We start with Ryan standing in a sea of red, white and blue lights. Then, Barry O and Michelle come on, say hi and tell everybody to donate. This is a difficult night to snarkily blog. Because they are doing nice things. :/

The judges are super fancy tonight, but Simon still has his shirt unbuttoned. THe show is being filmed in two locations- with Ryan hosting one, and Queen Latifah at the other. This helps to gain extra sponsorship, ticket sales- and hopefully keep the show running on time. All ten finalists are out in white. Siobhan wears the dumbest outfits. This song is weird, and totally Disney.

Jennifer Garner takes on the first charitable organization, Save the Children. Helps locally to give children in poverty books to help them develop and learn. Jennifer visited a cute little family in Kentucky to show how the program has helped. And then Posh brings out two new BFFs, who have been overly rehearsed their speeches. Ryan Seacrest does not allow on air mess ups- so you better bring your A game.

Jonah Hill and Russel Brand have "offered to gather their famous friends" to run a phone bank. Insert lame and obvious joke- where there really aren't any celeb friends. WE will be checking in with them later.

Black Eyed Peas are up- singing the next song to be ridiculously overplayed by a top 40 station near you. The boys are wearing jackets and pants- and Fergie was apparently channeling her superhero side- wearing knee high boots, a leotard and cape. Oh shit! gold wrist cuffs too!! And there are robots with mohawks and guns. Someone needs to take their decision making powers away from them when they are high. Will.I.Am. is about a beat behind his voice track.

Now its Malaria time. Over the years, Idol Gives Back has been able to cut the number of people dying in half. That's pretty serious. Queen Latifah warns us that it will be hard to watch, and she wasn't kidding. :(

These cheesy bits are always more extreme on IGB night. They "auctioned" the results... and George Lopez was the highest bid. HILARITY ENSUES! George wants to judge the judges. George has a great Randy impression. And calls him out for being retarded. But "since you're the only brother on the show- you are safe." George calls her out for saying that she is always disappointed, etc.- but he has covered his wall with her nudie pictures and is safe." George tells her she is the Kourtney Kardashian of the Idol judges, which is hilarious. Simon is ready to be voted off, and looks at George like "bring it." He is not safe- and told to go to England. But apparently there is a volcano, so he is safe. Whatever.

Ford music video. Guess what- it is lame. Crystal and Casey in the center. That's a lot of alliteration. One is safe, and on one is bottom three for the first time. Casey is bottom three. Aaron and Lee are now center stage. Lee is safe. Duh. One seat is open in the bottom three. "Who will fill that stool?" Ha.

Joss Stone is apparently still relevant, and is singing "I Put a Spell on You." Because why not? Her hair is a normal color again, and is totally straight. She is backed by the Jubilation Choir, and the whole thing seems really out of place.

Dear Morgan Freeman- I love you. Please stay healthy forever. Morgan and Randy hung out in Mississippi to see what was going on. Save the Children has helped a small town here too. This program is one of the most successful in the country, and uses health and exercise training to increase benefits of education.

You can text your donation, and having learned a lesson from all the kids that texted to Haiti relief on their parent's bill- you can only text three times per phone.

Alicia Keys is performing and is super hot. She's really just stunning. She sings some song I don't know, and then she sings New York without Jay Z. I was kinda waiting for him to come out. But that didn't happen.

Back to the "phone bank" with a bunch of lame fakers, except for Slash. And crazy Tatianna from last year. And Octomom and a few kids.Really, she was there. Then Jim Carrey comes in and noticed that it's D list and runs. So lame and unfunny.

Queen Latifah is there with Common to promote their new movie, and introduce Carrie Underwood. She has a really pretty dress on. She is singing an inspirational song of some sort, that I don't know because the only country I listen to is Brad Paisley. Because he is cute and funny and romantic. :) Apparently the song had something to do with the difference 36 cents makes.

Ellen got to hang out with David Arquette, who has been spending his time out of the spotlight helping Feeding America, a food bank. Ten dollars can buy a crap ton of food. Elliot Yamin creeps me out. Surprise! It is going to go late.

Bill Gates talks global health care. I can't blog this anymore. I'll tell you who's out.

One more to add to the bottom-- Siobhan is safe. Mike is safe. Tim is bottom. Are we surprised at all?

More really upsetting stuff that I can't really deal with. And no, Annie Lennox is not really HIV Positive.

Not ok with a random group of fools doing Stairway to Heaven. It is 857, and this song isn't short. Is this ending at 930?And thank you for cheapening it even further with your electric light show, Idol.

We are at 9:16- and going to commercial break. Seriously?!?!?!?! Someone at Idol needs to be fired. Check it- you know the run time of the produced video pieces. You know the run time of the performances. You know how long the bits are supposed to be. You tell the comedian he has 3 minutes, and schedule 5. You cut the drama with the reveal, and just tell us the bottom three. THERE IS NO REASON THAT YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING OVER- AND 25 MINUTES IS INSANE.

Aaron is safe for one more week. What? Tim Urban is out. Casey is safe. Well, it was a pretty long ride for someone that landed here with a fluke.

24 minutes over.

Idol Recap- Ryan Seacest Is Not Your BFF

Apparently there was some drama last week, and Bowersox nearly quit the show. Ryan Seacrest talked her down from the ledge- and she was surprised it still made headlines. Hey, guess what? YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW! YOUR LIFE IS NO LONGER PRIVATE IF IT CAN GET RATINGS!

To save time, the judges don't make the grand entrance. And everyone BUT Ellen is wearing some sort of vest/sweater cardigan thing. Odd. I really like Ellen in ivory. Not everyone can wear it- most look like they are channeling Saturday Night Fever.

This week is Idol Gives Back-so look for some extra sappiness. Alicia Keys is the mentor- because she does charity stuff. Which I didn't know, because she doesn't pull a Sean Penn and tell the world she single handeldy saved a small country. So, with this theme- come songs that are inspirational.

Casey is bringing us "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Alicia had a great point- he needs people to say "I Like Him!" not "I Like This Song!" He did not do that. And the judges agreed. In fact- Simon called it lazy. I would have rather he did "This Is It," by Kenny Loggins. Because I LOVE Kenny Loggins. But- I'm really happy because my sister delivered nachos to me on her way to darts!

Awkward Stool Time with Lee Dewyze- this season's "regular guy." He will be singing "The Boxer," because it inspired him to learn how to play guitar. These mentor recaps have been significantly shorter. Damn you Idol audience and your LAME hand waving. I like the rougher version of this. Not as sing songy as the original. Randy says he loves him, no homo. Ellen loves his soul and depth and it's his best performance by far. Kara likes to disagree with Simon- even before he says anything. THIS week is his best performance, not the one Simon said. Simon loved it- sincere, emotional, and made it sound relevant. BRILLIANT. How come Simon can say brilliant without it seeming condescending or overdone?

Goo Goo Dolls and R. Kelly are coming up-- and so are Tim and the 16 YO. Money that the old beyond his years kid is singing "I Believe I Can Fly." He definitely won't be singing "Trapped in the Closet, Pt 3." But wouldn't be awesome if he did? What a ridiculous fiasco that was. But I watched every single one, like a sucker. Like a SUCKER! How does it END, R. Kelly?!?!

Tim is singing "Better Days," and Alicia reminds him not to trail off and lose it in the chorus. This kids gets too close to the mic. This is a new side to Tim- a little more grown up, and not as showy. Yo- check it out-for me. Ellen again with the metaphors says today he is the soup of the day, which is not a soup she likes. I wonder what that is? I don't particularly care for soup myself. Chef's choice makes me nervous. Kara gives actual feedback- and says while he has found the right style, but the execution was there. Simon says he doesn't know he buys it.

Aaron- hahahaha. WILL be singing "I Believe I Can Fly." Alicia basically looks at him like "boy, please." With the strings. So lame. I think this is the 19th time that Randy has told him he has a huge voice. Ellen makes a 70's drug reference- which is awesome. :) Jenny thought she could fly too... remember, Ellen? Kara said it was like a plane taking off a runway... leave the metaphors to Ellen. Because you are actually using really lame similes. Similes use like or as, Kara. So if you're going to be a copycat- at least do it right. Simon said there are two ways to look at it 1- looking at him and liking him, and 2- listening as if they never met him. So basically- since they like you , it was tolerable.

When Simon leaves Idol- can we have 2 hour episodes of Glee instead?

Siobhan is singing "When You Believe." Alicia finds her "money spot," and encourages her to take the "moment." Step back from the mic. Ugh. She has butterflies on her shoulders. Who approved this? Wardrobe are you TRYING to get rid of her? I don't like her. Oh shit, the butterflies go down her arm. Really? AND UP TO HER HAND. Glad to see that the Siozombies didn't catch on. Randy was meh. Ellen loved it, because what else is she going to say? Kara said she still doesn't know who she is. Simon says the butterflies looked like leaves, and were distracting. STOP TALKING. I just love the song. Well, I am glad that you are having fun- because we aren't. Get the hell over yourself, you aren't curing cancer. I will forget you in three months. Glad you are getting to live your dream- but it ends if you don't stop being so self- indulgent.


Awkward Stool Time with Bog Mike. Apparently he has been keeping a running list of songs he wanted to do on Idol. He is singing "Hero," which was used to promote the SUPER hero Spiderman. So clever! He does a great job taking these really rock songs and softening the edge a little. This is ok. The background singers are a little lame. Kara hated it. Simon says tonight was supposed to be inspirational and it was about Spiderman.

Way to play a Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers commercial. If she had gone on it before the show- maybe she would have won. Burn. But it shows that even if you don't take home the grand prize- you can still be a star. :)

Crystal "i don't know if I can take this anymore" Bowersox is singing without an instrument for the first time. She is singing some kind of gospely song that I am kind of familiar with. And she totally cried at the end. Like, can barely finish it. Randy has to remind her that he has loved her since day one. Ellen says she is beautiful and noticed her bong like mic stand. Kara says they call her Mama Sox because she schooled everyone. Simon was glad to see emotion, because she had been closing off. She is fake hugging Ryan, and asks to use his hanky. He says he thinks it is taped in. She says "hollywood." He snarkily says "that's where we are." Yeah- which means that nothing you say to Ryan is off limits, lady. Good thing you cried and used the church songs to distract the fact that you are a little ungrateful for an opportunity that millions ask for. :)

And They are 4 minutes over. Not cool, it's Madonna night.

Idol Recap- Getting Rid of the Dead Weight

So- I am joining this program already 15 minutes in progress. I got really into Book Club and lost track of time. (NERD ALERT)

But- I am joining Andrew, singing his final song, and I am not so surprised. In his goodbye, Tim Urban is unknowingly stealing the scene. I say unknowingly because I really don't think that he is bright enough to be that manipulative. Roomie says the group sing was AWFUL, so glad I missed that too.

Oh, what was that? You asked what book I just read in Book Club that lead to the most conversation I think we may have ever had? Well, since Molly (btw- you are passed due for a blog, missy) and I are obsessed with true crime, and Chrissy likes to keep us happy, it was last month's theme. We read Mindhunter, which was written by the guy who basically created profiling. He tells stories about his interviews and studies with some of the most gruesome serial killers ever. Not really a light read, but so interesting and well written that we chat chat chatted. This is what you get to read about instead of the Idol Gives Back trip to Angola. But good for Kara for getting out there and getting involved.

Brooke, who I love a lot from last season, and some dude I never have heard of, and quite frankly, sucks are singing some song I have never heard of that the interwebs were trying to make seem like a big deal a few days ago. This guy thinks he is a vampire.

So, since it is 834, we get to find out who is in the bottom, and make them wait until the last 4 minutes. The bottom row is up- Lee Dewyze rambles. Siobhan stares weirdly. Katie Stephens looks frumpy, like she has already given up. Big mike looks like a ninja turtle. Sometimes I see people as animals, and that hat really brings it out in him. He gives a shout out tot he judges, who hope saving him wasn't in vein. The dirty hippie smiles with her 6 teeth. Tim Urban smiles, and the room brightens, even though he doesn't realize he isn't standing in the light. Crystal and Siobhan are safe. And Ryan creates this long drawn out business and has him sit. So the bottom are Tim, Katie and Big Mike.... who will turn into the incredible hulk if he is let go.

And now Adam can do whatever the hell he wants on the Idol stage without facing any criticism from Simon for being too showy. So he spends the first minute singing in green smoke. There is so much fog on the stage that it looks like he has no shins, and is just a floating torso. I hope they put up signs in the lobby that pregnant women and and those prone to seizures should be prepared for a fog filled laser lights show. Ryan talks to him, and Adam says that he owes Idol so much, because it prepared him for the ass kicking that the business gives you. Hear that kids? You think making 4 judges happy is tough? Try a marketing team, a record label, a management team, the media and the American public.

Ok, let's get this done. Tim Urban is safe. I fear for Katie's life if Big Mike gets angry. HAHA, American Idol was being tricky, and the one of the people there isn't even in the bottom three! Duh. Katie is out. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for not even bothering to try to put your appearance together. Why is she singing Let It Be? She is obviously crying, and it only brings out how crappily she handled this song. And Siobhan is crying again, because she is obviously best frineds with them all. Ugh, Katie, let this song be... and just go out gracefully please. I never thought I would be wishing for the for the cheesy montage. Ahhh. HERE it is.

Idol Recap- Whaddya Want From Me?

I am really excited about Idol tonight, because when it's over, GLEE is on.

I wonder(again) how much they spend in the lighting budget on the show. With my event production experience, I know that it is one of the cheaper ways to jazz something up- but seriously.

Kara is too dressed up compared to the other judges. At least it isn't sparkles this week. Ellen and Randy have decided they can BOTH wear vests, as long as one of them is sleeveless. Speaking of Ellen, I was a little geeked out when @TheEllenshow started following me on Twitter. I want you all to know that it will not sway my blogging, and if she says something stupid- I will still make fun. ;)

What?!?! Adam Lambert is the mentor for Elvis week? Where did I hear that it was for Queen week, or did I make that up? Is it because of the hair? Or is it the frequent use of glitter and glitz? Let's just hope he doesn't have the same obsession with fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches. Ahhh, Adam loves Elvis because he was a showman. He also acknowledges the fact that he is just beginning his career, so what does he know about mentoring. I am waiting for him to ----=omgomgomgomgomgomg Mr. Schuester is sitting right behind him!!!!!!---- come out with a Proactiv commercial. Shit, Katy Perry did it. Totally looks nothing like her in the commercial and it weirds me out every time. but. Ryan made some joke, and I totally missed it... I think it was borderline inappropriate.

The Dirty Hippie is singing "Saint," which I don't think I have ever heard. She is called "authentic" for the 8,352 time this season. Adam tells her to go electric and "let those dreads down." I hope bugs don't fall out. Randy thinks it was DOPE, and the second coming of Bonnie Raitt.... what? Ellen, instead of being repetitive, uses the time to say Happy Birthday to everyone in the audience. I know so many fricking Aries, it is ridiculous. They will be excited that they get the extra attention. Kara said something. Simon said it was original, blah blah. I really think I will just stop reviewing her. Wouldn't it be HI-Lar if everyone felt comfortable, and didn't vote for her--- and she was the bottom?? The judges have already used their "save." Yes, I'm dreaming. Yes, I have a thing against hippies that drives this thought.

Awkward Stool Time with Andrew. Damn, I thought they would have cut this to save time. He is reallllly boring. I though the tshirt/jeans/blazer combo peaked about 3 years ago... He is singing "Hound Dog," and Adam calls him out for being boring. Which he is. How has he made it this far? He's got the old school Elvis mic, and so far- it's boring. It sounds exactly the same as it did during rehearsal, when Adam said it was boring. Walking around the judges and towards the audience doesn't make it more interesting. Randy said it was "not good karaoke." Ellen wants more swagger, but he pulled it off. Kara thinks the mic was his crutch. Simon called it lazy, and it was the "part of the musical that no one wants to see or hear...." and "(his) coolness has been sucked out." So true. Ryan calls out that Ellen is the only one that liked it- apparently not understanding that SOMEONE has to fill the role of "the one that is always positive."

- took a twitter break, and found out the apparently the joke from Ryan involved tongues, and Brian Dunkleman. Somewhere, in his mother's basement, Dunkleman shoves another spoon full of Ben and Jerry's in his face. -

Tim is doing "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You." I think if he went with the UB-40 version, it would be gold. Adam says he should sing the end in the higher octave, like thoe Jonas Brothers do- because it makes little girls dial. Well, at least that's what he MEANS. Ryan is dancing with a random dude in the audience. It is too dark on the stage, and it doesn't really help the "I'm watching you from the bushes" face that he makes. Randy actually liked it, and the decibel level jumps. Ellen jumps in with another analogy- this time comparing him to tequila... the more she drinks it, the more she likes it. Simon liked it. Apparently the guy Ryan danced with was Michael Sarver, last season's "regular guy."

Lee Dewyze is jazzing up "A Little Less Conversation," and Adam tells him that his face is part of the performance, so maybe he should. His raspy voice goes a little better with the idea behind the song, which, in case you didn't know, is "shut your mouth and let's get busy." Randy geeks out. Ellen loves that it is more current, and reinforces that his confidence is what helps his performance. Kara loved the vocal- but wanted him to be a little more playful. Simon laughs at it and asks if she wants him to bounce around the stage. Simon loved it, and seems to be the only one that remembered that we are on limited time tonight. GLEE in less than an hour.

Aaron Kelly is singing "Blue Suede Shoes," because it is the probably the oldest type song he could pick, so at 16- naturally it would be the best fit. Adam tells him to get aggressive and grab his balls. Aaron realizes it's a bad choice, but could give a shit. Ugh. It seems very karaoke. Popped collar, bopping head, swaying hips... is he trying out for Grease? He then slows it down to a lounge act. Randy asks why it isn't the right song.. and his answer was "the drinking part." Randy liked the second half. Ellen thought it was a big song to take on, so it was an A for effort. Kara liked it because he was out of his comfort zone, and more current. The crowd seems shocked. Simon, of course, agrees with me. Old fashioned, karaoke, and a high school concert. He also said "frusss trAAY- ting" We are on the same level tonight.

It is so nice to be able to have two performances before a commercial. :)


Awkward Stool Time with Siobhan, and she has Elvis hair too. I hope that Adam tells her to stop trying to be him. "Suspicious Minds," is her song of choice- and he is sleepy, so he tells her to up the tempo. He says it is a "compliment" that people are comparing her to him. I wonder how many times he had to practice that to make it sound genuine. Her outfit looks like the one that Terry wears when she is a girl again in "Just One of The Guys." Damn you, google images for not providing me with a picture. And it is so 80's pop. Turrrrible. And the parents with her face on their shirt. Randy blah blah blah. Ellen thinks she looks fabulous, and liked the second half better, where she yelled like a banshee. Kara says she is confused by the two voices, and isn't crazy about it. Simon thinks it was erratic and not one of her best. Ryan wants to know what she should do next week. He says pick something that is more her. She says she doesn't know who she is, and that's ok, because who needs labels. Yup- and everyone gets a trophy, and everyone is special. Ugh.

Michael ins singing "In the Ghetto," which Siobhan recommended, because, you know, he's black. He slows it down and sings it on the chair with the guitar, because the ladies love it that way. Judges are kept to one sentence, because they realized that they wasted their chat time on the others. And they know they need it for Katie.

She is singing ".Baby Whatcha Want Me To Do?" because she wants to bring in the emotion of not knowing what the judges want into a song. Adam tells her that means she needs to rough it up, and you know, perform it. WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT. She is yelling into the mic half the time, and it is rough. Lights bonanza! Another tshirt family. Randy was "entertained," and seems surprised that it should be happening at this stage in the competition. Ellen said it was horny. Because there were a lot of horns. Kara got sassy. And Simon said it was annoying. But it doesn't matter what he thinks. When I look at her, I think of a comment from Showgirls. It is when the casting director is critiquing the girls, and he says to one (paraphrasing) "come back when you've screwed off the baby fat. " That's kinda how I feel about her.

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Casey is singing some song about misery. Adam tells him to make it more interesting, and he's like, "yeah, totally." Apparently "Cloudy, Miss Cloudy" is the song. His hair is pulled back, and his back up singers are on the stairs. It is weird. Ryan is really hanging out in the audience, and it is kind of creepy uncle with all the touching. Solid performance, blah blah. Ellen says it wasn't as exciting as she has seen.... Kara was bored. Simon called it a wasted opportunity. So, the show is ending on a downer...

Man- the bitches at Glee made sure this show ended when it was supposed to. Sorry Idol, you aren't the top dawg anymore. Don't mess with Glee fans, we've been waiting 4 months.

Who cares who goes home tomorrow? Fingers crossed for Siobhan and Aaron. Remember, there are supposed to be two. ;)


I'm not going to crazy spell check- because GLEE is on.

Idol Recap- 9 to 8

These opening montages make the show seem a lot more entertaining than it actually is. Ryan wants us to be prepared for a surprise or two tonight. I am on the edge of my seat.

For the record, I can't stand Jason Derulo. Mainly because my boyf is now working for a top 40 radio station out here, so I listen to show support.... and they played Jason Derulo TWICE in the 4 hour morning show n today. TODAY. Too much. Also the fact that he says his name in each song is annoying too.

The judges are talking about donations for the upcoming Idol Gives back. I hate that night. Not because of the idea that they raise money for charity. That's cool.

Group song. You can tell they are pre-recorded because everyone is actually on pitch. Anyone can be a popstar these days. It's called auto tune. The dirty hippie is wearing white go go boots, and sounds like a Disney princess. I bet this is Simon Cowell's least favorite part of every show. If I were him, I would be drunk. It's the only way to endure this cruise show karaoke performance. I can't believe people pay money to see that shit on tour. Americans blow my mind.

Casey is the star of these terribly cheesy commercials. Do they use the same lame songs every year?

Let's get to the cuts. Siobhan is standing, and there aren't any cuts to any Sizombies in the audience. Where did those crazies go? Apparently they weren't dialing in, because she is sent to the center stage. Sweet. Hippie is safe, but looks terrified.... she is sent to the center as well. Which means she has to be safe, along with Siobhan, because Katie is joining her. And they never announce the bottom three in the first 15. Oh Idol, you toy with our emotions so. Crystal is announced as safe. Duh. And both the others are safe too. I just noticed that Katie is wearing a Let It Be shirt. What a poser. All the chicks are safe, so three of the dudes are in the bottom. Remember at the beginning of the season, when everyone kept saying "they picked crappy boys because they wanted a chick to win this year." Well, hate to break it to you, but those people are stupid. Because they picked crappy EVERYONE this year. So there.

Jason Derulo was signed by Kara. I now hate her. What the hell is he wearing?? His jacket has spikes and studs. And he is wearing gloves. I'm just thankful he didn't keep singing that stupid "when I become a star, we'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you" song. I think I have complained about it before. Is it necessary to have slow mo/ black and white scenes? He cannot hit a single high note and almost falls in the end of this cheesy spin, toe pic touch. Would have been better if he fell. Kara is in love, and says he is an incredible songwriter. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??? Simon pretends like he liked it. Drunk.

Hey, remember David Archuleta? He was the runner up and then guest starred on an episode of I-Carly. And that's it. So- don't vote for 16 YOs, America. He is such a nerd.

Lee is standing now, and they have to talk AGAIN about his lack of confidence. He now has to stand on the far side. I hate these dramatics. Big Mike stands...he gets to stand on the right side. Casey James stands, and has his hair pulled back. He joins Lee. I hope Aaron Kelly and David Archuleta get to hang out after the show. He gets to stand with Big Mike, who is three times his size. Tim Urban stands, and the girl screaming begins. He joins Lee and Casey. This is getting interesting... darn you Idol for making me think! Andrew stands and shows that he really doesn't have much personality. He joins Big Mike and Aaron. One of the two groups is bottom three. Ryan asks Ellen to guess which is bottom three, and she actually says Big Mike's group. And she is right. They looked pissed. Aaron Kelly is safe. Wowza....

We have THREE performers tonight?!?! Can't this just be a half hour? Balls. Rhianna is being rough and tough. She is singing about being a rockstar. Hmm. Head to toe leather. She's always been weird, IMHO. Now she is writhing around on the ground. This song sucks. I wonder if she wrote it herself. I think she changed songs... no wait... now she is holding a guitar, and it is obvious that it is only for looks. The judges aren't sitting in their normal seats, and I bet money Simon is in the back, crossing another day of the calendar of his contract.

Ryan reminds us that they are both fathers, and one of them is now a loser in their child's eyes... Andrew is safe.... Big Mike is SHOCKED. So is the roomie. Me too, if we are being honest. He is singing "This Woman's Work, " because they loved it a few weeks ago. His wife is bawling. Well hey, maybe now he can actually start to raise his daughter. #justsayin Kara looks like she is gonna riot. Do they save him now, or do they save whoever falls victim to the 13 yo girl voting block next week? Holy shit this is intense. Simon is always the talker. He wishes that he had sung like this the night before.... it was unanimous, and he is safe. His fans will get back into gear next week. They way everyone is reacting on stage, it is like he just cured cancer. Chill out.