Idol Recap- Ocean's 11

I was able to go to dinner tonight with some friends I haven't seen in AGES. So, for the first time (I think) I am blogging with DVR. Not mine. I am still too stubborn; blogging at my parents house. We start with the camera scanning the top 11, and Ryan's head is projected on the screen behind them. It's like he wants to be the Great and Powerful Oz, and then the camera pans to him, and we see he is a munchkin. Had to, sorry.

This week, Randy and Simon won the rights to wear cardigan sweaters, so Ellen gets a blazer and scarf. Kinda like she came from filming her show, and put the scarf on for her nighttime look.

This week is a big deal, because whoever gets sent home gets the bonus of not doing cheesy group songs and lame choreography during the tour, but the sadness of not getting the paycheck, thus ENDING THEIR CAREER. They try so hard to pretend like the Top Ten are a really big deal, when we all know that if anything, the top 4-5 might be remembered enough to end up on Celebrity Rehab. The rest of those get laid for a year and then fade into oblivion.

Tonight we get the honor of having Miley Cyrus as the "mentor." She openly admits that she has no idea what she is doing, and is basically here for the paycheck. Hopefully she can buy some pants, because she is nearly naked. Boy shorts are for the beach, put some clothes on. She says that if she doesn't have anything to say that's bad, she will say it's pitchy... because it is vague. No camera shot to show Randy glaring at her.

Lee Dewyze- He sings a song that I swear has been sung like, twelve times, "Letter." But he gets backed up by the remaining members of the Blues Brothers Band. The whole thing seemed kind of early 80's to me, but the judges seemed to like it. Randy loved it. Ellen talks about how when you have your favorite pen, and it always writes well, that you do anything to get it better when it starts to stall, like heating it or shaking it. I have a favorite pen. I used to get pens allllll the time from work. So, when I was packing my boxes, I made sure to take my favorite pen with me. It was a promotional product from a client, and thus not company property, so it's not stealing. Anyway, Lee is her favorite pen, and he is writing well again. The other judges said things, and I was distracted. He's the first guy out, so it is strong enough to open the show, and is safe for next week.

Awkward Stool Time with Paige: She is most nervous about these high heels she is wearing. After watching her video package with Miley, she had a lot more to worry about. Miley tells her she was pitchy, and Paige says " I totally knew that, you are so great Miley." Miley should have told her to change the song, because she was ruining it. Who chooses Phil Collins? So dated. He is played in restaurants that need background filler. She comes out sitting on stairs that move forward on the stage, and she is sucking it up!! Like, breathy, shaky, pitchy, and as Randy says "terrible." Ellen says she likes her shoes. Kara said that she tackled the Mariah Carey version, which I didn't know existed, and she failed. Probably the worst vocal of the season. Simon tortures her by asking her what she thought of it, and she babbles and he tells her she sucks. Buh bye, Paige.

Tim Urban is singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," Miley suggests to add riffs and switch it up. She hugs him because she doesn't think he is boring. He plans on moving around the stage and having fun with it. Wow, what a dramatic removal of the microphone, Tim- YOU'RE SO HARD CORE! He slides across the stage, and hops down the stairs into the crowd. He has learned early that he has to play to the voting demo, and be dreamy and flirty. His dad needs some fashion help. Randy mentions that it is a "singing competition." Which, ummm, it isn't. He called it bad karaoke. Ellen calls it corny, as if she has never seen the group sing. She calls him Zac Effron, and tells him he acts like he already made it. Simon called it "completely and utterly pointless and silly." Little girls across the country are getting their dialing fingers ready, because they're scurrrd.

Awkward Stool Time with Aaron Kelly- He is having trouble with his voice, also known as puberty. Or "tonsillitis." Apparently he has a crush on Miley. He sang "The Climb" at his audition, and he wondered if she had seen it. She plays along, and says he was great. He is singing "Don't Want to Miss a Thing," which you should have known, because it is Aerosmith's only number one. And goes against everything they ever did, because it is totally lame and lacking in balls. This is the high school talent show, and this kid is loving every moment. Randy says "thank God you came on and started singing!!" because the last two didn't. Ellen babbles. Kara says "best song choice of the night." Simon, please come take me away from crazytown, because I was bored. Simon said it was brave, but he is making himself old fashioned for his age, but there is zero chance he is going home.

The Dirty Hippie is up, and of course singing Janis Joplin. Miley says to sing it higher, because her voice is great up there. And then Crystal asks her to sign the guitar that powerful talented women have signed. Her performance was exactly what I expected. RANDY YELLS THAT SHE IS DOPE. Ellen heard this on the radio the other day and thought to herself "oh, she should sing that." Really? DUH. This is when I remember that Americans are stupid. Kara wants her to drop the guitar next week, which she was secretly planning anyway. Simon says she's great, and mentions that she is standing on a carpet. Ryan and the hippie then sit on the carpet and pass the doobie to each other and talk about war. Well, that last part only happened in my mind.

Big Mike meets Miley and picks her up, squeezing the life out of her. He is singing "When a Man Loves a Woman," and Miley is in love. Or light headed. The two things are very close. He is hoping this week that this song "speaks to the lovers out there." Uh, Cheesy Wedding DJ from 1987 called, he wants his line back. String quartet and a piano, so he is fucking SERIOUS. And he delivers a solid performance that the ladies love. Goes all falsetto in the end, and gives a kissy face. Randy doesn't know if it was the best song choice, but he "sang the i don't know what" out of it. Ellen said it was safe, like driving the speed limit, but he got there in the end. Kara said it was technically great, but boring, loungy and overindulgent. Simon Blah Blah Blahs.

Andrew Garcia is up, and many people think he should have been gone last week. He proves it by forgetting the lyrics. So Miley tells him to lose the guitar. At some point, someone told Miley to show that she had shorts on, so now we can see her denim. Andrew has totally lost his coolness, and is giving a karaoke "Heard It Through the Grapevine," complete with chest pumping and pointing to fake tears. Ladies and gents, this is what we call a sell out. Randy says it wasn't good. About 9 times. Ellen hopes his fans vote for him, because his ass needs to be saved. Kara tells him AGAIN that he has to go back to the moment where he did "Straight Up." Simon says, maybe they overrated that performance that they mention EVRY FUCKING WEEK. He also said that he sucked the soul out of the song, and ruined it. :) Andrew says that his goal was to "just have fun." Thanks, glad you could have fun, while we suffer through cheese and pitch. Bad answer.

We now have little Katie Stevens meeting Miley, and both are 17. Katie is singing Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry." Miley tells her to edge it up, and it was a good choice. Really? This girl has no idea what to do with the voice she has. BTW, I get a 100% on this song in the American Idol video game, and it is 3 music notes, which is the hardest. Maybe Katie played it too, and got the same score. I however, realized that a 100% in the game doesn't mean I should sing it in real life.
Randy was excited that she listened, and went younger- even though it was pitchy and flat and all over the place. Ellen loved it, and she is dumb. Kara says that pop with R&B leanings are where she belongs, but she still has pitch issues. Simon thinks she would get a more loyal following with country... and she should listen, like Carrie Underwood did.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey- this is really awkward, because he is too big for that stool. He meets Miley, and says that he loves her dad. She tells him to look into the audience more... because it is a moment. He says "funny, I was totally gonna do that." He is doing "The Power of Love." He is kinda playing the guitar with it.... a little.... Now the Blues Brothers Band is in the rafters, playing and swaying. This is so weird and I don't know why he chose it. They use the worst graphics for him on those big screens. Randy wasn't a fan of the song choice, but thought he did it well. Ellen says "ditto." Well, she didn't SAY it, but she should have, instead of repeating the whole sentence. Kara loved it. Simon says it was like listening to an 80's cover band, and gets boo'd. He says maybe he is the only one- but I want him to know he isn't. And this is coming from a chick that LOVES Huey Lewis. Not ashamed.

Dee Dee "You're No Good" Miley loves her vibratto. This girl, I love her performance, but she is straight up nerdy and annoying when she talks. Ugh. The camera man is focusing on the guys playing instruments on the corners of the stage... She sashes down the stairs, and it seems kinda put on, but I really dig the voice, so I overlook that, and her weird swaying and finger snapping. She reminds me of Taylor Swift, but with the ability to perform live. Randy says pitchy. Ellen didn't get the song choice. Kara says it was like she was playing a character, which is totally accurate. Simon gets boo'd when he says it was ironic when she was singing "you're no good." She pipes up and said she wants to show another side, and have some fun. Bloody hell people, this isn't about you having fun.

Siobahn meets Miley, and I am surprised that she didn't try to take a lock of her hair. Miley said her voice had swagger... but she'll kick her to the curb unless she looks like Mick Jagger. Made up that last part. Siobahn is singing "Superstitious," and comes out with a faux hawk. Her stage persona is so weird and awkward. She makes me really uncomfortable. She takes really big steps too. AND OF COURSE makes the big yelly notes. Is it time that we tell her, like we told Adam Lambert, that just because we like it, it doesn't mean we need it in every song? Randy thinks it's great, man. Man, man, man. Ellen quotes Oliver, you know, the orphan from the book, and says "more." Kara loves the end note... so I guess it isn't time... WAIT Simon brings it up, and says it wasn't done as well as normal, and she needs to push herself more. She has side burns. She might be a leprechaun. Yeah... pointy ears. Got it.

As it stands, with this group, I wouldn't buy a ticket to the tour. But, I've never been interested in buying a ticket, so no real change. Paige is on the chopping block, Tim is near the bottom- but will be saved by the tweens, Andrew is in deep water.

OMG!! Tomorrow Miley and Demi Lovato are BOTH going to be there. DRAMA!!! Why do I know this?

Idol Recap- Dirty Dozen

Tonight, I am watching Idol over at my parents, as my littlest sister is in town for Spring Break, and well, I am on what one might call a Spring Break as well. I asked my dad if he wanted to watch Idol with us, and his response was "I would rather be eviscerated by an armadillo." You could say I get my flair for the dramatic from him.

Welcome to the big event.... tonight is the REAL beginning, with performances from all of our top twelve. Do you think Ellen and Randy have to fight over who gets to wear the sweater vest? This week they compromised: Randy got the buttoned up cardigan and Ellen got an open vest.

Tonight is Rolling Stones night. I found out a few weeks ago that apparently Angelina Jolie hooked up with Mick Jagger about ten years ago. Weird. I wonder how they got anything accomplished, with both of their huge lips battling.

Michael Lynch- Wife is in his video package. She looks good, especially since she just popped out a kid. Which they show, of course. You can't vote off a newborn, America. There are some weird dance moves going on... and I don't know what to think about it. He really is"making it his own," because I can only recognize this song during he chorus. "His own" has an early 90's vibe to it. Meh. Randy says he "slayed it." Ugh, now the crowd feels they need to yell all the time. Unnecessary. Kara is talking about the Stones like they died in a plane crash. Last time I checked, they still rock it. Simon says it was corny, especially the dancing. :) Then Simon and Ryan start their fake banter, and I tune out.

Awkward stool time with Didi: apparently her mom can't watch, because she gets nervous AND can't listen to the judging. I like Didi until she starts talking. OH, she's the middle sister. Now I know. There was a photo of her in a rose dress with big shoulder pads. I may have had the same dress. She is singing "Playing with Fire." The crowd is doing the "wave your hands in the air..." but I am doubtful that they are doing it "cuz [theys] a true playaaa." If you don't get the reference, GTFO. I hate when the audience does lame crap like that. It totally devalues the performance, much like Randy's YO. He thinks that she was "on fire." Thanks for the pun, sweater boy. I don't know what Ellen said, because I was too busy adding a joke. Kara says it was well done. Simon says it was a "solid, not brilliant performance." I like her big curls. I am going to try to do it that way tomorrow, for my St Pats day of drunkness.

Casey James: His mom is in a shirt with his picture, and it's weird. I think we might be getting jealous brother from his bro. Kinda like the blind kid's bro last season. Doing anything he can to get a little extra camera time. "It's All Over Now," a little country style... Casey is working the hair product this week, and has some more defined curls. The lighting guys on this show need to chill the eff out. We don;t need crazy green flashing block lights on the stage. it is so cheeeeeesy. Randy LOVED IT! You can tell he yelled, because I have it in CAPS. Ellen makes a joke about how she's a lesbian. Ha. Over the heads of the little ones, don't worry Bible Belt. Kara says he was a rock star, and has to prove that she knows that this is an early Stones song that THEY didn't write. She is really smart, remember. Simon says he looked great and sang well, but didn't use the stage to do something incredible. Casey is reallllly tall. Ryan looks like a leprechaun. Not the scary kind, the kind that has a bucket of gold.

--- commercial for the Last Song. I have this problem where if there is a book for a movie, I HAVE to read it before I see it. I am tempted to read this book... not sure if I should. I am batting .700 with Nicholas Sparks. LOVED the Notebook, obvi. HATED Nights of Rodanthe so much that I didn't bother with the movie. Read Dear John, liked it ok, but when the boyf downloaded it to watch on Valentine's weekend it was a "bad copy" and we couldn't watch it. Heard it wasn't good if you read the book. I will probably wait for dvd to read it, I have more pressing books on my list.--------

Lacey Brown- I am still amazed that this chick is in the top 12, because I don't even remember her auditioning. "Ruby Tuesday," with a string quartet. This chick needs some more upbeat songs. Sister: "She sounds like Macy Gray." I nod. "I don't like Macy Gray." Her outfit is a mess. One shoulder striped shirt, beige fringed bustier, high waisted belted skirt and sparkly leggings. Randy calls it "very interesting." Ellen noticed that she likes to sit on the edge of things, and called it sleepy. Kara said she has to "agree with the guys." I think Ellen has a vagina, actually. Thanks for coming out. Simon says she performs like an actress, and she needs to stop over thinking it. She sucks, I hopes she's gone.

Andrew Garcia- His dad thought he was going to be custodian, because he collected keys. I used to dance in my underwear and leg warmers, I'm glad my parents didn't think I was going to be a stripper. His mom is apparently mute. "Gimmie Shelter," in which I remember the back up singer more than Mick. Like, to the point where I kinda forgot the Stones did it. I think it was in Forrest Gump. Who told the audience to clap? This is not a clapping song. This dude is the edgiest dude in the competition, and it just seemed lame. Randy said it was pitchy, Ellen loved it. Kara talks to him about how it is a song about war, and she didn't feel the edge. Simon asks if he should have brought a tank on stage. Points for Simon.

Awkward stool time with Katie : Ryan talks about how they tell her to be young, and then comes Rolling Stones week.... SO WHAT DOES SHE DO?!?! WHAT DOES SHE DO!!?? (that was to be read like Dennis Hopper in Speed) Sing Wild Horses, of course. Not Satisfaction like BRITNEY SPEARS DID. Idiot. I bet she is really excited that her mom put a picture of her in a straw hat with a sunflower in the montage. Since I am falling asleep with her performance, I am going to back track. Her video package had a clip from her singing at a wedding. Sister: "I would never let an 8 YO sing at my wedding, I don't care how talented she is. " True. The audience with the waving the hands in the air again! Her dress is youthful, sister says ugly. Randy says it was a strong performance, but I don't think he believes it. Kara says that she made some good choices with the melody. Simon says it's the only week she has picked a good song. These judges really don't seem to believe what they are saying. Is it just me?

Tim Urban- Wanted to be an athlete growing up, but then his brother beat him up and called him a pussy and he decided to start singing. That's what really happened, but he told it differently. "Under My Thumb," Bob Marley style. Yuck. In case you guys didn't know this was the "Rasta" angle, the orange, green and yellow lights are there to help. Spark the Ganga and wave your hands. This is awful, and I bet Keith Richards has pissed his pants laughing. Either that, or he just turned to his naked chick and said "how HIGH AM I?" Randy didn't get it. Ellen said it felt like she was at a resort drinking a pina coloda, getting caught in the rain. ;) Kara references the "guys" again. I hope Ellen pulls down her pants during the commercial break. Simon said it didn't work, and Stones fans would be turning the station at that point. Because SO MANY watch this show regularly.

Shioban Magnus - Apparently there are 32 children in her hippie commune home. Another mute mom. Of COURSE she is singing "Paint it Black." The weird one would chose my favorite Stones song. She looks like she is dressed for the homecoming dance... and has combat boots. Because she is a rebel. I don't really know how I feel about it. It is was easier when I am not looking at her "passing a kidney stone" face. And she yells a big note. Remember how you guys liked that a few weeks ago? Well she's doing it again for ya! Randy says IT WAS HOT! Ellen can't even talk, and says she rises above like Snooki's poof. Kara says she is having Adam Lambert flashbacks. And loves it. Simon agrees that it is the standout performance of the night. Hey Siobhan. There is someone else that is idols04... you are idols08. so putting up 4 fingers twice is confusing. Put up 8 fingers, once. Don't confuse the fans.

Awkward stool time with Lee Dewyze- In case you haven't caught on, he is this season's "regular guy." He works at a paint store! He's just like you, America! HE HAS A PICTURE IN A TMNT SHIRT!!! He should wear that to perform in. "Beast of Burden," but you wouldn''t know, because he mumbles like the guy in Pearl Jam. Both my father and boyf are gonna be pissed that I didn't reference him by name, but they don't read the blog, so they can STFU. ;) If we are talking literally, this is an excellent song choice. Randy thought it was dope. Ellen said it was great, but she expected more, and it was like a hospital gown, and almost there.I am kinda over her lame analogies. Kara said something about growth. Simon says his personality is boring. I like the way he says "frust straight ting." Simon basically tells him to sack up and own the moment next week. How am i JUST noticing that he is in a gray fitted leather jacket?

Paige - This chick is so boring. They talk about a part she had in a Christmas play at church, and then show this weird goth show. What kind of church is that?!?! She is singing "Honkey Tonk Woman." I hate is when girls sing songs that are obviously written for guys to sing, and change the genders and think it still makes sense. And she is the furthest thing from a Honkey Tonk woman I have seen on this stage. Her hair looks nice. Randy thought it was going to be a mess, but it was alright. Ellen points out that she was struggling with her voice... so now there is the sympathy vote. Kara said "young Paige is back." Simon said "what the hell is wrong?" and she says laryngitis. So, with that in mind, it was great. Meh.

Aaron Kelly - I heard his name and said "who?!" Then remembered that it was this lame young kid. His mom cries. "Angie." Hahaha. That is all I can say. Might be better when he goes through puberty. It's kinda Peter Brady... there is also a weird Richard Marx quality to his voice... it's unsettling. ENOUGH WITH THE HANDS, AUDIENCE! Randy really likes the tender moments. Someone call CPS. Ellen points out that his hair is totally lesbian. Kara said it was powerful. Really? Simon said he chose the right song, and sang it within his limits.

Crystal Bowersox- Surprise! Her dad is a hippie! Apparently she also wrote a song about him, and it made him cry. "You Can't Always Get What You Want." I think she is trying to grow out her dreadlocks. Kinda more bluegrassy, and it's alright. Totally what I thought it would be, which isn't a bad thing. YO. Randy says it wasn't his favorite, but he still loves her. Ellen wants her to let her personality go... and Kara agrees. Simon asks her what she meant by over thinking... and Simon says he could feel that. And that tonight she was beaten by Siobhan. She is wearing a feather thing in her hair for Lilly. Who was voted off last week. She isn't dead or anything.

Andrew, Katie, Tim, Lee and Paige are gone within the next few weeks.

I may or may not drunk blog tomorrow... I guess you will have to wait and see.

Idol Recap- It's Raining Men

Tonight I will be blogging from the boyf's house. Let's find out if surround sound is really the best way to listen. I'm nervous.

The dudes this season look pretty weak. Literally. As in, I am afraid they can't hold the microphone due to the enormous weight. Except for that one guy, who could hold them all in pyramid form without breaking a sweat. Oops. Boyf just heard it was TWO HOURS tonight. Apparently he is choosing to get drunk. We all have our coping mechanisms.

Simon is choosing not to rock the tight shirt, but his button up shirt is opened low enough to see his chest hair. Grrrr. Now we hear Ellen talk about the differences between listening live and at home. She has verified the "what are the judges thinking!?!?"question that is frequently asked, as apparently the flaws are covered in a studio performance.

Todrick Hall- - "Since You've Been Gone"- I liked this guy when he wrote his original song for the audition. But then he got really annoying. In case you don't pay attention to the interwebs, he is apparently a shady play producer. This "jazzy" version of Kelly Clarkson is very boy band. Late 90's boy band. BUT he is "making it his own." And it backfires... because he "completely shredded the song," according to Randy. Simon said what he did "was verging on stupid. " Note to the finalists- don't destroy a song that was produced by the Idol Machine. It will not be taken well. Simon is right, he is a dancer trying to be a singer.

Aaron Kelly "some song I have never heard of" I do not remember this kid. Did we meet him? On the plus side, at least Proactiv has a new Idol spokesperson. Speaking of which, I am looking forward to the "gentler" formula that hopefully doesn't bleach out my towels. SEE, I'm not just an asshole, I'm also a client. :P Hmm. Maybe he used it between Hollywood week and here. I blame the fact that we have to listen to this 16 YO entirely on Justin Beiber. Apparently I am becoming too old for this show. The 13 YO that call for hours on end will like him. The judges start this "believe in yourself" non-sense. Oh, apparently the song was by Rascal Flats.

Jermaine Sellers "Get Here" This guy likes to wear weird hats. I remember this song. And I don't think the chick that originally sang it sang it as high as he is now. EWWWW. He just threw in the word "shorty." Is that really how we modernize something? If we start Autotuning the classics, I officially quit. Judges hated it. This is where the contestants get really confused. Because the judges tell them to "make it their own." Then, they get told they went too far. Delicate balance. But guess what? You are always going to have a boss that changes their mind on what they want. It's called "being a grown up." Now he is speaking gibberish, and showing that he is an asshole. Somebody get the hook.. get him off the stage. "I got made out to look like a diva." YOU ARE A DIVA, ASSHOLE. Throw the band leader under the bus, and then FORGET HIS NAME?!?!

Tim Urban "Apologize." Time out for the obligatory Coke promo. Apparently this kid got the call from the producers that he would be returning. Who did we get rid of? Was there a criminal in the mix? After a brief google search, the dude he was replaced was disqualified by having a previous contract. Apparently this dude missed the memo that previous winner Kris Allen rocked this song last year. This kid did not. Ouch. To be honest, I tuned it out in my google search to find out how he got here. Simon says that they made the right choice in the beginning, and he shouldn't be here. The judges say it is an utter fail, and maybe he will get a sympathy vote, or an "adorable vote" as Ellen put it. He gives a lame excuse to why he sucked- some last minute change... As my dad frequently says "Fools give you reason, wise men never try." Yes, that is from a musical. Yes, my dad is straight.

Has it really only been 46 minutes?

Joe Munoz "You and I Both" He is this year's "living the American Dream" candidate. This song is "if Enrique Igelsias sang Jason Mraz." Not because he is Latino- don't throw hate mail my way. It is because he has same cadence and phrasing. And pronunciation. I am a big Mraz fan, so I have a little issue with it. JMraz makes me smile and feel really warm. That element was gone from this song. Mixed reviews from the judges. I don't hate him. He will probably skate through.

Tyler Grady"American Woman"- This kid was really shiny at auditions, I am glad he found some blotting strips. Yes, I used to work in cosmetics. He has a cute way about him that makes me think Cougars will eat him alive. With this song choice, he plays right into it. "Mommy can't right now sweetie, she's watching Idol." Simon says it is all a bit cliche. Each judge said the same exact thing; please tell me why it took 4 minutes to say it. Just take your fingers, put them in the air, and make quotation marks. That signifies "ditto." As in, "me too, " "I agree, " "what HE said."

Lee Dewyze "Chasing Cars" He fills the "just a regular guy" role. Last year,, this went to the oil rigger that looked like a Joss Whedon Vampire. He keeps picking these songs that were popular just a few years ago. You are on the downswing of the popularity of that song, my friend. He sucked. Off key. Go back to the paint store, dude. Randy tries to get him on the more modern path with Kings of Leon. Every once in a while, Randy gets it right. And Simon is on drugs, and says it is the best performance of the night. For the record- I got bored again, and googled the other guy. Michael Sarver. This guy is right on track for that... getting the votes because people like your "regular guy persona." You get to the final 6, and then get bumped out because you have the least amount of talent. On the plus side, you get a bunch of chicks that will sleep with you for the next few years. Better than selling paint to bored housewives.

John Park- "God Bless the Child" This is the guy that Shania Twain geeked out over. He starts out like he has never heard himself on a microphone before. And looks terrified. He finally starts to warm up a little bit in the second verse. His chances aren't that great. Is it just me, or do Asian dudes not make it very far in Idol? William Hung aside, of course. Is he to blame? Ellen proves she is the new Paula and tries to coddle him. He pulls the emotional pull, and talks about what the song means to him personally. Flip a coin.

Michael Lynche- "This Love"- I think the boyf sums it up. "Oh, THIS fucking guy." I hope that you can explain to your little girl that you watched her delivery on a cell phone in a hotel ballroom because you wanted to live the dream. This guy makes my brain jumbled. He sings John Mayer, and now he sings Maroon 5. You just don't expect these songs from a 6'4, 320lb dude. I am sure John Mayer and Adam Levine TOGETHER don't weigh as much as this dude. But he ROCKS it. He has the "teddy bear" appeal and a winning smile. Kara basically says he is the shiny turd in a crap group. Simon says he didn't bring enough. Note to Michael: He is challenging you because he sees your potential. It is what Simon does so well, and it is a key factor that will be missing when he is gone. That is why the cast (the smart ones at least) appreciate his feedback the most. Because he isn't gonna jerk your chain to get the crowd to cheer. He is gonna keep it real, and challenge you to do your best. It is what good leaders do. Wow. Got serious there for a minute.

Alex Lambert "Wonderful World" This guy survived that bossy bitch during group day. I like him for that reason. Last time I checked, that girl didn't make it on the show. Hmm. Does he have a mullet? I like the tone in his voice. One of those that is better when you don't look at him. Simon calls it the "most uncomfortable performance of the night." He has a good voice, but the nerves need to get in check. Ellen compares him to a banana, because he is just not ripe enough yet. But when he does, she is ready to eat him. Weird. He has only performed live 3 times. He is precious, and those ovaries out there are going to sympathy vote him on.

Casey James- "Heaven" Surfer dude that kara has a crush on. Rough start. The original Bryan Adams song, not the lame pop version that debuted when I was in college. Why mess with a Canadian classic? He's cute. There is a kind of Bob Seger quality to his voice that I dig. I'm not yet swooning, but he is a good future candidate for that.There is a weird kind of interaction with the "Kara has a crush on him thing." Kara says he is kinda pitchy. But he can play and sing and has a heart and soul. Simon says it was a great song choice, and his best performance yet. He is so obviously top 12, let's just put him there.

Andrew Garcia-"Sugar We're Going Down" -Not sure how I feel about him. Acoustic version. I dig this. I am sure this is the first time people are actually understanding the lyrics to this song. Cock it and pull iiiiiIIIIIiiit. Love this. Simon was disappointed because it was too serious and indulgent. Apparently I am listening to a different version. I really liked it. Hmmm. Ellen translates Simon's "self indulgent" comment, and tells him that the moment he looked over at his girlfriend an lit up was the best part of the song, because he remembered that it wasn't just him in the room.

Do not ever place the 16 YO next to the giant dude again in the closing shot. I am afraid he will eat him. The size differential is not good.

Idol Recap- Let's Talk About Chicks, Man

It's the time of year where I actually get regular readers to my blog! Yay! I have decided to start blogging about Idol earlier in the season than normal. I NEVER blog during the audition process, because I spend most of that time yelling at my tv when Randy says 200 million thousand percent yes. That isn't a real number. Yes is 100%. No is 0%. Maybe could be 45-65%.

If you are new- here is the drill:
- I live blog, and type as I watch. You are getting straight up reactions about the performance.
- I could care less about the sob stories and life dreams. I won't even remember their names on call until there are only 8 left. There will be nicknames and usually not nice ones.
- I swear. That won't change. If that offends you, there are plenty of other recaps to read. :)
- My musical talent is average. I can carry a tune, but by no means am I a vocalist. I just like reality tv, and people read this- so it makes me feel special. ;)

Here we go!!

This is the first year with Ellen, and I have friends that used to IdolBlog, but refuse to now because of her. I agree that Ellen will probably mess things up, but this is my last year as an IdolBlogger, as it is Simon's last year. The show will be useless without him. We open with what is expected to be the first of MANY time consuming Ellen produced joke pieces. This one is about how she can't sit next to Simon because he is feely. Simon fake laughs, but even he wants to get to the meat of the show. We don't actually get to the performances until about 7:12. This is the crap that makes them run over.

Tonight- we hear about the ladies.... here are my BRIEF recaps:

Paige Miles- "All Right Now" She decides not to change the lyrics, so the "hey there is a hot chick over there, maybe she wants to make out" concept stays. She does this annoying tapping the fingers on the mic crap. And that annoying "let me show you I can hit a million different notes within 8 seconds" bit. Meh. Lame. Simon says that it is a terrible song choice, and he is right. The rest of the judges then take sides, for the first of many times, as if the rest of their opinions matter.

Ashley Rodriguez- "Happy" I don't know this song, so I can't compare. Holding the mic a little close- I don't need to hear every breath and spittle. She has a nice voice, but I am bored. The judges all agree. Simon hates it, and tells her she is going backwards. Kara's hair looks stupid. She needs to realize how old she really is, girl.

Janelle Wheeler- "What About Love?"- I love Heart. And this girl was likeable, until she started singing. It pains me when people mess up awesome songs. Flat. Nervous. Forgettable. OUCH. Off key. ROUUUUUUGH at the end. She is about to cry, and she should. It sucked. Judges agree- her voice isn't big enough for that song.

Lilly Scott-"Fixing a Hole"- Ugh, the gray hair is weird. What is the standard spelling for gray? I like it better with the "a." She picks a relatively unknown Beatles song. Probably during their really stoned stage. That is when I lose contact, as I am not a pot smoking hippie. She has one of those "unique" voices. I don't mind it, I am just nervous about what happens during Disco week- if she makes it that far. Wow. Major eye sex with the camera. Ellen loves her, Simon says he doesn't feel the star power, but she is the best so far. Randy says she is a real "indie artist." What was your first clue, dude? She has gray hair and plays a guitar. She isn't exactly the next big thing for Gospel.

Katelin Epperley- "Oh Darling"She has big blonde curly hair, and with that bow in it, she looks like "Like a Virgin Madonna." Someone sings this song each season. She is confident, and I don't really know how I feel about her. Simon does- he likes her, but thinks she is rough around the edges. Kara uses some technical terms like "melodies" and "register." She did that last season, and I liked her better then. She says she hates the makeover. Ellen says what I was thinking- "I couldn't tell if you were trying too hard, but I still like ya." ummmmm Kara just said the b-word. Family show, Kara. We only use sexual innuendo that goes over the kiddies heads, not straight up cursing.

Haely Vaughn -"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" GUMS. The lisp is annoying. She is doing the Hold Your Hand melody from Across the Universe. Well, she was. And then she yells/screeches... and yodels. Make her stop. Ears bleeding. Dogs across the neighborhood are barking. Seriously. Kara pulls a "Paula," and says "technically it sucked, but you lit up the stage, you really had fun up there." I don't care if she is having fun- it was awful. Randy says the notes are "not quite as pleasing as they could be." I guess that is a nicer way to put it. Ellen blah blah blah. Simon- "wind up doll that never stopped smiling." :) "A complete utter mess." Love him.

Lacey Brown- "Landslide" I don't even remember her. Her southern belle voice doesn't mix with her electric red pixie cut. Nasally, sharp. It is like she has never heard herself sing with a mic. The arrangement sucks. The Idol guys in the audience are kind of looking at each other uncomfortably. Randy- "terrible and PITCHY." In case you are new to Idol, that is one of his buzz words. Ellen says she is better than that. Simon said it was indulgent and was waiting for it to end. She can leave. I wouldn't remember her if she showed up on a future season of Celeb Rehab. Now she is getting sassy about the criticism. Kiss of Death. Smell ya later, bitch. You can't get sassy with the judges until you have successfully made it through 4 weeks not being in the bottom 3.

Michelle Delamor- "Falling" I have no idea who this chick is. They try to give her some extra screen time by asking her some random crap. How many times do we have to hear this song on this show? Wow. Arms spread. Lights up. Hot the drums. Las Vegas show style. Willing to bet that Simon calls it "Cruise Ship." Ellen loves it. Simon says it sounds close- but not as good as the original. Says she needs to be different, but she has done enough to move on. Kara does the head bobbing thing that she does when she talks to the "soul sisters. "She goes from sass to straight laced faster that Tyra Banks.

Didi Benami-"The Way I Am"- This is the perfect song for her. I love Ingrid Michaelson. She is even able to make it a little different. But Simon thinks it is indulgent- and too many girls are trying to be the same kind of different. Kara is actually familiar with the song, and tells them that she is making changes. I don't like her name.

Siobhan Magnus-"Wicked Game" She never should have gotten into the top 24.She looked like she was terrified/in pain at her last performance. Wow. She is singing like a dude. Her stage presence is better. And she has definitely been made over. I am starting to like her. A lot, actually. Kara brings up that it is nasally. And Randy liked the second verse better. Simon calls her a "funny little thing." Simon wants to know why she picked it--- she wanted them to see her softer side. She finds the song haunting. Simon looks like he is afraid she would kill him. Randy proves he is dumb by totally not getting a "she can blow" joke. Because she is a glass blower. Get it?

Crystal Bowersocks- "Hand in My Pocket" Dirty hippie. Dreadlocks gross me out. What is IN there? This is a way more likeable version than what Alanis originally did. I always skipped this song on the album, because I don't like yodeling. Except when Jewel does it. I dig that this chick plays the harmonica. Randy thinks she's honest and she's gonna "do her thing." Simon says yeah-" we like you, we like your baby, but there are a million of you standing outside a Subway." :)

Katie Stevens- "Feeling Good" We get to hear this for the 8,392 time on this show. I used to like her. Way too much voice for a 17 year old. It's trippy. She is doing this bouncy bop thing I don't really care for. That "I don't want to dance, but I have to do SOMETHING thing." Ellen thinks it is too old for her. And then repeats it a million times. And Simon agrees. And said it started to become annoying for that reason. "very pageanty." Randy tries to get technical. She handles that criticism like a pro, and says she can definitely make the changes, and she agrees with what the judges say. Nicely coached.

So- vote if you want. I don't. We've got the dudes tomorrow. I hate these dancing montages. They look stupid. Until tomorrow.

More to Love- sexy 6 down to 4

So, I have decided that if tonight's episode sucks, I am over this show. Let's see how it goes!

First- I am so glad I don't watch Hell's Kitchen. What a piece of shit show. If I wanted to hear an hour of yelling, I would watch political TV.

So, I think all the girls that are left have made out with Luke. I am glad he got rid of Lauren and Melissa. Those chicks bugged me hard core.

Why is it necessary to have clips of them eating? We get it. Mandy and Kristian are apparently going dancing. Kristian wished that Mandy breaks an ankle. These ladies were chosen because they are the best dancers in the house, as witnessed by the prom episode. Mandy has a pretty dress, but needs to wear a bra. Seriously. Kristian has quoted two movies in the last monute: "I've got moves you've never seen." My Best Friend's Wedding- and "it looks like two pigs wrestling uner a blanket."- Steel Magnolias. Apparently she is a Julia Roberts fan. They dance.

Back out the house, the four other girls make cupcakes and cards.

Back at the date- one on one time, and Kristian goes first. Luke has his shirt opened way to far, and has his collar popped up. Ew. Dirty dancing. She is "so in love!!" Yes, because that can happen when he is dating other women. Oooooh. Mandy sees their kiss and gets pissed. Hello, welcome to dating on a reality show.

Mandy wipes up her slobbery tears and goes on her one on one. She tells him that she is starting to shut down based on the circumstance. You know, like a normal person when they know that the person they like is dating someone else.

The remaining date is an adventure one on one date with Malissa. You know, the first one he made out with? The one that disappeared for awhile. And now begins the whining... Helicopter date!! Okay, side bar- how many of you have actually BEEN on a helicopter date? I know that I haven't. The way these reality shows do it, you would think it is standard protocol for date 5. They go to a vineyard to eat (duh- cuz they're heavy, get it?) and to drink. Their conversation is kinda lame, but they are feeling a connection.

Back at the house. Another letter that Kristian has found. Anna, Heather and Tali are "digging in" to another date. Theyu need to be ready for fun in the sun, aka... the beach. Tali is pissed bcause it is another date in a bathing suit. It is pretty lame. I would be pissed.

Back to thte date- picnic make out. She says she has always been curvier, but I remember and episode when Kristian called her out for not always being curvy. Hmmm. Me thinks her and Luke are lying..... and they will end up together and start a new show where they lose weight.

The next part of their date- the tandem bike. How dorky. Why are there random zebras on the vineyard? And... he broke the bike. And it is still the best date of her life. Of course.

The other girls are really jealous. Especially Anna, who, btw should not appear on camera withour makeup. And Malissa is in love, and Kristian is dying and questioning the love, because obviously she is the only one that loves him. She gets all self pity in the hot tub. And Heather feels bad because she isn't in love. Because most people don't after the first month. And the dramatic music comes in.

Beach date... ew. ew. ew. He just said maybe I can take my shirt off, and you guys can rub on me and rub some stuff in. Slapping some oil on me... I am so uncomfortable. He walks on the beach with Tali, who talks about how she is jealous, because the other girls are further ahead. She has a super cute cover up. He looks at her like he wants to eat her fce. Weird. He is so weird and creepy and slimy.

Back at the house. FYI- "romantical" is not a word, Kristian. And she is nasueous. Maybe she is carrying a miracle baby created through their love.

Back at the date- Anna is on the boat with him, and is talking about how all the girls are in love. Luke sees fireworks with them. I don't. Now he has alone time with Heather who ALSO complains about him seeing other girls. Heather is losing her grip on him, because he doesn't like her insecurity. Because at the end of the day, he isn't looking for a good friend, he is looking for a wife.

Time for the Mixer. He asks Mandy about a difficult time in her life. She had an eating disorder in highs school. They talk about how she is confident and confortable, and Kristian is creeping and analyzing their body language. Heather is stresssssssssing out. She has a chance to redeem herself on her one on one and tells him crying that she wants to stay around. He says he loves who she is.. blah blah, he really just looked freaked out. Anna is IN HIS FACE. Kristian is planning on telling him she loves him. And does it in three languages.... and makes hims guess. And she says she is falling deeply in love. And he breathes heavy and looks down. Always a good sign. It "touches his heart," and thanks her for opening up to him. She kinda lies a little bit to Tali about what his response was... Tali freaks out. She goes to get the dish from him, and confronts him. He tells her not to listen to the girls in the house, to listen to HIM and her heart. Vom. Now he says he has to break some hearts.

Elimination. Two are gone. (insert cliche about making the right decision) Kristian has lost he damn mind, and I am over her. Anna. Good Lord, she is TALL. Malissa. I am nervous that Heather is going to explode. Mandy. Tali has a death glare. One ring left... tali, heather and kristian are left.... he gives it to Tali. Holy SHIT. This is gonna get UGLY. Heather hugs him and cries, but still feels confident. He taught her to spread her wings.. vom. How embarrassing this is for Kristian, who says that she loves him, and she wishes him the best. He breathes heavily and walks out after her. She sobs into his suit. He says that he wants what is best for her, and that it isn't him. Because he is a slime.OMG. She is doing the gasping sob. Oh my. She hopes it wasn't her weight, because she is the biggest in the house. I can tell you that I am sure it wasn't your weight. It was more about you being a fucking psycho stalker.

Next week: all four girls get a one on one and their parents are there. And he asks Malissa's sister: "what would you do if i proposed to your sister." Okay. I'm in for another week. DARN YOU FOX!!!

More to Love- second helping

Gotta love a serious opening montage. Lots of "love," tears, kisses, attitude, etc. Love it even more when it is followed by a serious recap, of ONE episode. So- at work today, I bet a co-worker that 6 girls would cry this episode. She said they all will. Betcha I'm closer. :)

First dates!! Two group dates, and the girls get to pick the two groups. The captains are the skeezes that kissed him first. Now we get to relive Melissa's fear of being picked last. Whine. She gets picked fourth. Someone gets smart and realized that someone won't get picked, since there is an odd number. Bet ya she gets picked for the single date. Someone else bitches about being picked last for red rover. Last time I checked for red rover, you WANT someone to bust through a big line, so---- bigger is preferred. You don't want the skinny weak chick for that game. The kids at her school had no strategy. Ha- one girl tells us that Christina was picked last because she was a snob. Haha. And... she gets the single date. Reality show writers----- do you need me?!?

Team Melissa- Crusing out at dusk. Yay. Kristian called him the "bees knees." Love that phrase. Ooh, it is a crusie on the "dreamboat." I hope someone gets seasick and pukes off the side! Seriously... no sooner than I type that- and I get what I want. Hahaha. Talk about buzz kill. Heather was the puker, and she whines and cries.. Malissa is a bitch. No sympathy- and just says "got another one out of the way." Wow. How does Malissa get herself more alone time.... to MAKE OUT AGAIN! And while we are at it... why does she spell her name that way?
And- they eat a big steak dinner. I have officially chosen Kristian as my favorite. She calls Malissa out because apparently she hasn't always been fat, she just let herself go after high school. Kinda like the bachelor- so, funny how that works out. YAY Kristian gets one on one time with dessert. Oooh. He calls her a "special girl." Hm. Wait- I think I hated Kristian last show. Crap, I am such a hypocrite.
So- why does Heather have to sleep downstairs? Can't she take ome medicine and be social? He is such a player. He brings her upstairs to snuggle and chat. AND she cries. Again. Another cheek kiss. Another crying interview. This girl needs THERAPY. It is not healthy to cry that much. Maybe THAT's why you can't keep a boyfriend. I want to mute her, and I have only known her for 20 minutes.
I am concerned that Kristian is falling so quickly. I hope he doesn't break her heart. And I hope Malissa gets punched by another girl.

Lots of yelling-note from Luke- Christina has her one on one date. And she says "thanks for picking me last." And Melissa cries because she wants a one on one date. And there are some catty chicks here. Mandy likes dudes.
When he picks her up, he is excited. Apparently she has this aura about her that is "so sexy, and her body is banging." and she "has butterflies." This is the differnece between men and women. They are getting in a plane, and cuddling and cute.
(flash to the girls at the house) Kristian is falling in love, and the old lady is irritated.
(back to the date)- in Vegas, they roll up on Planet Hollywood. She tells him a cheating story about her ex. Always a good idea for a first date. Just lay all your insecurites on the table.
(house) Lauren is a Christina hater. Bonnie the tattoo girl is funny, and calls her the smelly kid in school that nobody wants to sit next to.
(date) in the suite -on the first date- and make out central!! well- just pecks. then time to jet set. He says that tired bullshit about whether they can "connect on a deeper level." What he means is- she doesn't make his soldier stand at attention. Those little pecks were lame.

Team Annahas a letter from the Bach-grab swim suits. People are FREAKED. This will be interesting. Also- Melissa is crying again. I am over the crying. Apparently- they are gonna "party, and have some drinks." That is his way of making them comfortable in swim suits. Calorie laden beverages. And Melissa cries again. Ok- is it necessary for the camera to do the up down with the camera? Luke jumps in with his shirt off. You know what would be better on this show? What would send a better message? If these women didn't hate themselves so damn much. So many are not happy with who they are, and I am having a hard time wondering why they would let Fox exploit them.
(back at the house) Mandy and Kristian leave notes.
(date)He starts playing with Lauren, and girls are getting jealous. I think Luke is wearing a Tiffany bracelet. He pulls aside the first date crier/puker for the first one on one of the date. She rambles inchorently about why she is on the show. And they end with a little peck, and she says its perfect. Lauren explains her agression. She says that basically she is the female version of him. And then he gives her the bedroom eyes and then they MAKE OUT. Arianne, the old cabaret dancer is uber jealous. Lauren basically says she could give a shit about the girls and their feelings. She has a one track mind.

Crap- I forgot to keep tabs of how many cried!!! I think three so far. So- we are on par for 6, including elimination.

Now the final mixer- Seriously, where do these girls find all these cute dresses? I can't find those over a size 6 (which I haven't been since 6th grade). Bonnie talks about how she is mushy and he shouldn't be afraid of the tattoos. And... Kristian is going into crazytown. She calls him the perfect man. HEY- HOLD YOUR CARDS!!! PLAY MYSTERIOUS!! DON'T BE PSYCHO. And... he plays the friendship card. Oh Lordie--- Heather pulls out the girls(her breasts) to make up for puking on the boat. AND kiss. WHOA! Lauren wants "to share really bad," and gossip. Here is the dirt:Arayan doesn't want kids (and is old). Vanessa is 32, and Lauren talks like she is 67. And Lauren is a catty bitch. Never the way to go. FYI- guys hate that catty girl shit. They don't get it- they aren't wired that way. I hope Melissa goes home- I might have to stop watching.

Oh yeah- Emme hosts this show. Mandy is in. Anna is in. We didn't really see much of them... Amanda- I don't even remember her in this episode. Malissa is a bitch- and is in. Christina is in. SHe looks at him like he's naked. Bonnie- der. Melissa cries again. Heather gets her ring. Lauren does too, so he can keep getting the dirt. Vanessa doesn't trust her. Danielle- don't remember her. Oh yeah, Tali looks like a dude. 2 rings left.... Melissa. ugh. She wears the worst dresses. And... drama drama... then he picks Kristian. The old lady is out, the red headed lawyer is out and some other chick. And she cries. Lawyer- misty eyed... and tears. Old lady.... she isn't that big, fyi. and... she cries... guess what!!?? that's 6. I am the winner. :)

OOOOOH! Next week is PROM! GOOD LORD, SOMEONE GET MELISSA SOME PROZAC!

Knew It- More to Love? More like More to Lie About

So- in case you didn't know, sometimes people on reality television shows embellish the truth in order to create a more interesting character. I know, I should have warned you to sit down. Well- apparently the slimy bachelor from More to Love (click here for my recap) is one of these people. I received an email from an equally addicted to reality tv co-worker this morning with evidence that the Big Bachelor used to be...wait for it..... a hunky high school football player. His ex-girlfriend (btw- fox should have given her $ early) told PopSugar that he was a stud, and released pictures of a time where he was supposedly "chubby." I will pause while you watch the link....

What a lying sleazeball, right!? No wonder he is perfectly comfortable flirting two girls at once, and making out with one while the other watched. It was probably a common occurrence every Friday night of 1998. I knew there was something fishy about that guy, because anyone who has really had their heart broken because of their weight/insecurities would be a little more sensitive of other's feelings.

Obviously he was just your classic high school football hero, and after he busted his knee freshman year of college, he lost his scholarship and joined a fraternity. From there, the booze pounds packed on. He probably couldn't keep his grades up, and landed a nice job at Hollywood Video. He stumbled upon an add on MySpace for a new realty show with some fatties, and he was like "this is IT!" Here is what I think his plan is.... get on this show... prove what a stud he is... pick some girl (only to break her heart) and then get some additional reality show about wanting to change his life, and be a healthier him. The new show chronicles his weight loss plan, etc. Because, I don't know if you have seen this, the Biggest Loser biggest successes are usually people that were former athletes. They have the drive/focus/experience but needed to get their asses back into the swing of things.

But now that everyone knows he wasn't really a chubster as he claims he was.... this is gonna get interesting. Will America forgive him for lying? The answer if, yes of course. Americans are stupid. I just hope Fox didn't spend too much money photoshopping him heavy in those HS pictures that they will no longer be able to use on the show.

And yes, I will of course keep watching the show. Puh-lease.

More to Love- My Next Application for TWOP

SO- since I am not always the most regular blogger, and I know you miss me, I thought I would try to blog about a tv show again, and bring some of my loyal readers back. This time, a suggestion from a co-worker really hit the spot. More to Love, aka The Bachelor for the Big Boned. Crying crazy girls? Always good tv, no mater what size. So- here goes.

I just barely caught the beginning. I was TRYING again to keep reading this book I am trying to finish, and fell asleep AGAIN. That is a blog for another day. More to Love starts like the basic Bachelor show, meeting the Bachelor who pretends to be more modest than he is. And he tries to say he "just needs love." I believe him as much as I believed Andrew Firestone.

We obviously need a host, and the guy from the Bach isn't allowed. So, we get Emme- wasn't she on a reality show? I swear she was. Or maybe on at MTV special. Years of reality television has really done a number on my memory. Anyhow, she is a well known plus size model, and I bet her and the ANTM cycle 10 winner were the major runners fore the gig. Liv Tyler's sister is too edgy for this.

No type? All women are beautiful. Same shit the bachelor says. So, here comes the first limo... Gooo! Boobs. Melissa with the double E's. Christina starts the whining. Heather is crying in the first 5 seconds. She is gonna be fun. Cute dress. Punk rock princess Bonnie, who wants to bake a pie and be a wife. Amanda Awkward- never had a boyf. Michelle the California girl. a crier too. Shit, 8 minutes in, and half have cried. She talks about enjoying life. But she cries. I am confused.

SUPER Quick commercial- next limo. Pale girl Anna who is intensely tall. And he TOTALLY scans her ass. And I like her the best' as she quotes Pat Benetar "love is a battlefield." Natasha is a rocket scientist, and a big dork. she looks way older than 25. Lauren is officially schoolgirl creeper. She bear hugs him. Teal is a good color for her. vaness is a major flirter and a little creepy. Wait--- did i miss a girl? with a beehive and fishnets? Melissa- Not a cute dress. Danielle- never had a second date. Mandy,teaches him to salsa dance in her 15 seconds. Hmmm. She also looks older than 25. Tally is from NY, but born and raised in Israel. And a 12 tear old comes in... what's her name? Kristian... I swear she didn't say it. She' s a teacher. Sweet. Another slutty hugger. with heels and hair 6'2, I like it. Arianne... she is being honest with her age. Sandy- a "farm girl." Sure, I believe that. This is a big limo..... Shari is a yo-yo er. AND THE HIGH VOICED MAGALI. I am going to hit her. Natalia likes to cook, and he says he likes "anything thick and juicy." Perv. Another crier.

20 women. Go back and count and make sure I didn't miss any. I will wait.... So, he starts a speech about how everyone here has been hurt by someone, etc. Because apparently that is exclusive to heavy people. And everyone gets a diamond ring, as his promise that he will like them for who they are. What a novel concept. If they take the ring, they have to promise to do the same. "Somebody that's gonna look inside you," yes, she just said that. Way to start it off with something serious... don't we usually work UP to the ring?

He is 26, and gives the standard "it's so humbling to be around all these wonderful women." He is now talking to the 12 year old. He is such a player-player. She is head over heels. AND here is a girl who quit her job to be on reality tv. Good for her. I hope she gets voted off. Idiot. And, every girl in the mansion is totally "his type." Wait- I thought he didn't have one. And let's pause for a moment. That concept has never made any sense to me. I have had a type since kindergarten, when I fell in love with George Michael (this is when he was dating women, and cmon, I was 5). I have a thing for dark haired light eyed guys. Always have I don't see a problem with it. But, people like to pretend like they can't be pinned down, or put into a box, so let's let them keep thinking that.

Do we really need to keep asking what the favorite food products are? And here comes the girl fights and interruptions. He is snuggling with two girls on the couch (told you he was a player) and a few other girls shoot daggers. And we again talk about meat. Gross. WHOA! First kiss goes to Anna. ANOTHER MEAT JOKE. Look, I like meat on a stick as much as the next... anddddd the drunk girl. The "farm raised" one. This next chick has never been on a date, and she said she only thinks people ask her ask a joke. Like in Never Been Kissed- remember when they egged her? SAD. She is still high pitched and annoying. ugh. Maybe THAT''s why guys don't like you.

AND crazy bitch jumps in the pool. The one that is always the best friend to the guys. Holy crap- this guy sounds EXACTLY like Judge Reinhold. Haha. Bonnie is an asshole. I like her. She called this girl ridiculous- and said she looked like an otter. :)

Same problem as always... so many girls, so little time. Oh, and the rocket scientist that thinks she is in danger because she is too smart. Yeah, probably. This IS a reality show. And then girls are sitting around and talking about how awesome he is... and how much in love they are. Because they have known this guy for 25 minutes. Yup, it's real. When the Bach asks Melissa a question, I am a little creeped out.. he is a PERV. And he asks for a kiss. This guy is kinda slimy. Let me tell you, he pulls ALL kind of tail, big and small; I am SURE of it. I learned from the teaching of my roommate's brother. He was in a frat, and told his little bro- "dude- it's a numbers game. girls like confidence. just keep asking, and enough will say yes to keep you busy." It works. That said little bro, prolly a good four inches shorter, and 7 years older than me had me all up in a tizzy 5 years ago. I think this guy learned that same lesson.

Sad- everyone has to give their rings back... he will only give rings to girls that make it through. I am still really uncomfortable with this idea... rings signify way too much.

Elimination time... he feels honored, blah blah standard shit. The future Mrs. Connelly could be in thsi room. Yup. Love in reality tv always works. First girl- Anna the first kissing skeeze/gigantor tall girl. Melissa A.- the second loose lip girl. Surprise. Magali- meh. Heather- the cutest dress I think. Mandy- and some girls shoot daggers, for a reason I don't know. Amanda- okay. Vanessa- the red head. Has Bonnie done her hair three differnt ways? Tali? the NYer. Lauren- .... Bonnie- Thanks goodness, I thought she was gonna kill someone. Christina-she seems nice. Dani- looks like jumping in the pool worked out. If allt hese girls do is cry, I am not gonna be able to do this. Arian? cougar. kristian, the 12 year old. How are these rings all fitting perfectly? And Emme comes out for the "only one ring." She is nearly worthless thus far. You can FEEEEEEL the desperation in this room. Mel B. One of the biggest criers, and the ugliest dress.

Now it's time for the awkward goodbyes. Fake "wish you the bests," and "great to meet yous." And he calls them al sweetie. Why is it so bright outside? Wasn't it night time? These exit interviews are depressing. Surprise, the rocket scientist is gone. And they don't even give her an exit interview.

And now he ends with the standard "humbling, etc." It may actually be the exact quote from earlier.

Clips from the future... this looks like it's gonna be good. Drama, prom, throwing flowers, make outs... yes. I am there.