Idol Recap- The Lamest Finale Since Clay v Rueben

I thought the finale started at 8, like every other vote off episode this season, and I was wrong. So- I missed the first 33 minutes. Feel free to leave what I missed at the bottom. Unless you are one of those people that stopped watching the show, because my blogs are better. In that case, I am sorry for letting you down. Came in just in time to hear the ladies' Christina montage, and hear Christina a little rough through what seemed to be a song that hit her rather emotionally.

Now, the guys are doing a super cheesy 80's montage of Hall and Oates songs. They join them on stage. Mind you - Hall and Oates- great for their time. But we couldn't pull a bigger group for the finale? I guess this answers a few questions... one being: they ARE still alive. Did they perform a few years ago? Or was that on some vh-1 show? In case you wondered, "can I hear these horrible group performances AND watch the ridiculous choreography while drinking $9 sodas in a theater near me?!?!" Ryan gives you info on where to get tickets.

Driving home from watching my cute little cousins today, I was talking to the boyf. He said "I read your blog" (surprise, because he never does) "and you're kind of an asshole." We have been together for 2.5 years people. How is this news? He also started defending Crystal, saying that even though she is a hippie, she has a nice voice. Never really thought I would get the "you're too mean" lecture from him. Lately he has been saying that I am funnier without a job. Probably because now I can sleep through the night without having nightmares.

Jonelle Wheeler is reporting live from a sea of people in Ohio. Who is Jonelle Wheeler? (edit- just googled her. apparently a contestant this season)Oooh- Crystal's dad brought out the leather vest to match his sweet leather bike cap. She is singing "Ironic." And then she introduces Alanis. Another "is she alive?" question answered. And I rolled my eyes when Crystal said "when she go down with you to the theater." Not the line, and good for Alanis for not being the one to placate the man. For the record, I played THE SHIT out of Jagged Little Pill. My 8th grade heart really felt what she was going through, even though I hadn't even kissed a dude at that point. I was a late bloomer, so I had some angst.

Carrie Underwood says, "eff performing something cheesy with the finalists. I need my own song, thank you very much. See these Grammies?" Is that the plural for Grammy? Looks weird. She's a piece. Not piece of work, of ass. ;)

Kris Allen comes back to crown the finalists with their personally designed Ford cars. Lee looks excited, and Crystal gives a look like "I'm not giving up my Schwinn for this." Cue cheesy commercial.

Casey starts to sing "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," and is rocking it. And out comes Bret Michaels, who really should be on bed rest. Has he learned nothing? Is he like Gaga, and he will sleep when he's dead? Would he rather die onstage in front of his fans? She's nuts.

"Celebrity" spotting- Chilli.

Lee Dewyze is singing a Chicago (the band) medley, and it starts with the good stuff. Pre synthesizer. I judge people by which type of Chicago fan they are, "25 0r 6 to 4," or "You're the Inspiration." My preference is the former. And there it is... :) Envision me sitting on my couch rocking out.

Then some dude came in from Chicago, and I got my green beans from the microwave. Came back just in time for a flirty Simon montage. He's so dreamy.

Pants on the ground. Are we done with this yet? I bet he plays this song for his family at every gathering, and his grandchildren are mortified. WTH William Hung.

Paula seems pretty sober. Good for her. And she comes out from behind the curtain to perform. Ellen looks so great in white/ivory. Then Paula makes a really uncomfortable joke about leaving the show because she had Simon's baby. Then rambles.... maybe not as sober as I thought. Awkward. Yay, Simon montage. He's so dreamy.

Dear Kelly Clarkson- I love you. Dear Ruben- nice to see you're alive. Fantasia- you suck. Carrie, hearts. Jordin- You're cute. Taylor Hicks. Kris Allen- where is your album? There are seven.... who is missing? And then lots of runner ups and favorites in white. I guess JHudson, Daughtry and McPhee were busy?? But they got Guarini. From Justin to Kelly is an incredible film. I would look up the Idol that is missing.... but I would also find out tonight's winner if I did.
Boyf did it for me. What State Fair are you at this week, David Cook? Too busy?

Ugh. RUINING Janet's best song. And then she comes out out and is awesome. She's looking good. Singing into a mic AND a mouth piece? Is she planning on ripping off the dress and breaking into dance? I'm a genius. That is exactly what happens. That ass is fierce. Seriously, laser light show is unnecessary. Rocking it, Miss Jackson (cuz I'm nasty).

Montage from the beginning. Then singing "With a Little Help from My Friends"... and Joe Cocker is about to die on the stage. Either Lee's mic wasn't on, or he missed he part in this duet. Seriously. Someone call a doctor. I think Joe needs oxygen.

It's time. Some British guy brings out an envelope. I bet Ryan knows what is in it. Lee is nervous. Crystal wants to get high.... which she can go do, because she lost. Ha. I think that Lee will fit better into the Idol machine, to be honest. Crystal is gonna want to do things her way... and fight the power. Awww, Lee is so cute with his excitement. I'm glad we have a grateful winner. :) He's totally broken up. Cute.

Well, no more Idol blogs. Please leave suggestions for other shows to review below. Kthanxbai.

Idol- Just the Two of Us

When I think of the song, Just the Two of Us, I try to forget that horrible Will Smith version. Also- his kid sucks.

This is the last time Simon is judging, and I am sad. :( Not watching the show any more for sure.

Watching the show tonight with the littlest sister. We spent a lovely day watching Supernatural and sun tanning. I am eating a rice krispie treat with m and m's built in, because tomorrow starts my Biggest Loser competition with my mom. Enough yo-yoing. I am going to be hot. See, and now I have written it down, so I have to do it. Feel free to tweet me saying "hey fatty! did you stay away from nachos today?" OR you could be nice and tweet "you go girl!" Or, something more relevant to this time frame.

Speaking of Will Smith's no talent kid, there is the new Karate Kid commercial. Can Hollywood try and make over movies that suck? Like, give a re do on something that Pauly Shore effed up. Or Andy Dick. You catch my drift.

Lee's parents are cute. He is resinging "The Boxer," because the judges loved it. Why not pick a song you really effed up and make it better? Be a man, Lee. Randy said something but I don't care. Ellen loved. Kara babbled. Simon said it was a kiss on the cheeks when he wants a kiss on the lips. Not from him, obvi.

And of course The Dirty Hippie is singing Janis. I'm gonna time out until something relevant happens.


The Executive Producers sing the next round of song. Not just in the "you kids can choose from these" way, in the actually picking way. Lee has "Everybody Hurts." I was going to make a comment about how I needed to feel the hurt, and then he brought it. But he better have a ball busting song in the end, because this is slow and so was the other. The judges agree.

And The Dirty Hippie is singing "Black Velvet." She's gonna fuck it up. Her dress is ugly, and she looks tubby. She also can't walk in high heels. Were "songs from the 90's that shouldn't be covered" on sale this week?

And now the song he would release if Lee won is "Beautiful Day." Because I guess they realized that all the songs they write for the finals suck. But Lee did not show up for this song. It is really a lesser of two evils tonight. The judges rambled, and I looked at pictures of Jared Leto. Simon ends with saying that Lee is what the competition is about.

They go to commercial, and the judges are moving their cups off camera. Apparently Coke didn't pay enough this week. Crystal is singing "Up to the Mountain." She has an ugly floral scarf and a diamond necklace. And weird artsy earrings. This chick is such a fashion train wreck. At this point, I am usually secretly rooting for someone. Honestly, tomorrow I could not watch the show and my life would be no different. I am so disappointed in the piece of shit that American Idol has become. It's all because Ryan works too many jobs. The Hippie is crying, and sealing it up. "Hello!! Nationals!! Platter!!" Name that movie in the comments and you get my approval. That matters to some people. Simon looks pissed. How have I JUST noticed how ugly Randy's jacket is!?! Ellen geeks out over her. Kara geeks out too. Because if the emotion and the blossoming. The Hippie says something nice to Simon and says he's been great. He said it was the song of the night. And it was "outstanding." But I don't really think he believed it. She is so awkward. Did you know she is a mom?

I'm gonna stop blogging so I can read ONTD before Glee. This show sucked.

Idol Recap- Vote Off to 2

I'm blogging at the boyf's house tonight, and I told him who was going to go home as he handed me his laptop to type. He had a screen open that announced the final two, and I looked down to see if I was right. And I was.

So, blogging tonight is even more anti-climactic than normal. And I have to watch the first 9 minutes of the most boring Idol interviews in the history of the world. You know what I don't want to hear? Idols whining. And since when does Crystal have diabetes? Bring out the baby. Bring out the illness. All we need is a retard sister, and we are good. Oh, no, wait. That is Nicole Scherzinger's game. I don't care if I spelled her name correctly. I think she is a phony, and she is using her down syndromed sister to get votes. That is disgusting. Different show, but I need to blog about things that are more relevant to my interests, so whatever.

In case you were wondering, I AM 6 budlight limes and two Candian Club and iced teas in. So what?

These commercials are really out of hand. Apparently these idols are spray painting to show they are wild. And then Ryan pimps the concert again. Remember at this point of the competition when the concerts were all sold out? Yeah, not so much anymore.

Montage of home town scenes. Casey gets asked if he has a woman in his life. Only every night, and then he kicks her out before coffee. Wow, he got some Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders there. It IS the off season, and the veterans need some cardio to keep them active, so.... Apparently Casey got in an accident 6 years ago, and he is now choosing a time with cameras present to come back and say thank you. I guess that hospital has no turnover rate, and the same nurse that emptied his bed pan is still there. Eff this noise; this is so put on.

Just referenced the open link boyf had up again. Wow, this chick is not funny. But- she lives on the East Coast. Is that what I need to professionally blog about television? An East Coast time zone? Because, wow. Did I mention that this blogger is a ginger with glasses? Yes, I just pulled that card. I need to start vlogging, so VH-1 will put me on their snarky countdowns. I am WAY finnier than Jwoww, and can perform loosely scripted television a whole hell of a lot better. And I have a prettier face. That is what people tell pretty girls that have curves, in case you were wondering. ;)

And we get to talk to Perez Hilton now. In case you didn't know, this piece of shit blogger thinks he can be the next Simon Cowell. Has even offered to do it for free. I guess that his newest discovery (since HE discovered, Gaga) is Travis Garland, who is better than Timberlake. Which is why we have a tri-spilt screen for the first time in Idol history. He looks like your average frat boy. He has a leather vest with rousching in the back. I don't even know what he was singing about, because I couldn't understand it, and was too busy fuming about what an entire waste of time this season was.

Crystal in Ohio? Somehow I thought I she was Canadian. Did I make that up? Ugh, brush your hair, hippie. How are you tired? You didn't have to wake up early for hair and make up, so STFU. The mayor of Toledo had white washed jeans and a leather vest with a matching leather hat. What a stud. Oh, how clever. Her outdoor performance is called "bowerstock," like "woodstock." Vomit. She wrote a song called "Holy Toledo," and I doubt it is as good as "Cleveland Rocks." And she cries. And I roll my eyes.

Lee is in "Chicago," which really means the 75 miles surrounding Chicago. He throws out the first pitch for the Cubs, and I realize that we are not meant to be. Because only losers like the Cubs. It pisses me off when we see first grade teachers, because what first grade teacher really remembers a kid from 20 years ago? There are girls running around in neon shirts saying "vote lee," and they remind me of the "live girls direct" t-shirts in Vegas. Lee has the biggest crowd, and he totally cries, and so does his dad. Kinda sweet, because I feel like it is genuine with him.

It is 844, and Bieber isn't on yet. WTH?

Yessssssssss. So, in case you don't follow me on Twitter, I babysit my 3 and 6 YO cousins on MWF, and sometimes other days. They are precious, and sometimes we have Justin Bieber dance parties. He is so fricking cute with his lesbian haircut. And everyone who ever performs with him looks like they are having so much fun. That damn "Baby" song is so catchy. I miss the Ludacris part. When I was 13... I had my first love. A lot different from his "Fantasy" song.

Now we got down to the bottom two. At 854. Better than having the losers sit there the whole show. Randy has purple glasses today. First person in is Lee. Duh. His parents are cute. Joining Lee is Crystal, and she asks if that means if she is safe. Yes, hippie. Casey is "thankful for the opportunity," even though he checked out a few weeks ago. His mom or sister is in a really ugly tiered dress. He chooses to sing "Daughters," and mess it up even worse than he did last night. Like, reallllllly mess it up. Geez, dude. You still have the tour. Who is the little girl he picked up? Niece? Ellen is totally crying. That is sweet. I think she is really a good hearted person who feels a connection with these contestants. Good for her. Must be niece, because she could care less about being there, and quickly runs back to mom when the song is done.

In his final video package, Crystal mentions she has a crush on Casey. Which would explain the crying. And then Ryan hits puberty and squeeks through the end.

Does anyone cares who wins? Comment below.

Idol Recap- 3

Final three, and tonight we get to see their hometowns. yay. And, each contestant sings two songs, one they choose, and another from a judge. The judges are dressed quite casually, maybe saving it all for next week. Or maybe they are all over it.

Casey's first song is "OK, It's Alright With Me." He wins for longest song title of the night, I bet. I don't think I know this song. I think this is the first time there has been singing in the first 4 minutes in about 5 years. There is only room for one rocker, so Casey better hope that Lee blows it, because that is his only chance. Randy is not a fan. You can tell because he said "listen" more than once. Ellen tries to kill the pain with lots of rhyming. Kara said you should pick something the audience knows and make it your own. Simon calls the song "a salad, because there is something more substantial coming.... but you sounded good."

I was wondering why the Billy Madison weasel and Tom Hank's kid were in the audience. Then I saw the commercial for their new cop show.

Awkward Stool Time with Crystal. She is choosing to sing "Come to My Window," because it "is about passion and love and STUFF." Littlest sister (back from college) yells "don't fuck it up." She doesn't watch much, and would rather be watching the season finale of 90210. "Oh. She does the harmonica too. Of course." :) We don't need close ups of the meth teeth, thanks. It is always hard to judge her performances, because they are always how I thought they would be. But it doesn't mean that it is incredible. I stopped paying attention for a minute. And Simon brought me in when he said that she has never compromised who she is during the season. And then she gives some hippie love philosophy.

One of my readers has a birthday today. So, I would like to take this commercial break to say Happy Birthday to Amanda. :) When can we drink and be merry again?

Awkward Stool Time with Lee. Too bad he is so dull. And, he is going with Lynard Skynard "Simple Man." Good song, and one of my favorites, but I am not at all surprised by the choice. Randy yelled. Ellen said he went from a lamb to a gazelle. Kara totally steals Simon's schtick, and says "round one totally goes to Lee." I hope he calls her out a break. Because that's bullshit. Simon said he was on the money.

Took a nice little break to listen to Neon Trees, a band we discovered at the 30 Seconds to Mars show Sunday night. They are pretty rad, google them.

Casey is singing "Daughters," chosen by Randy and Kara. Ryan asks what Casey "HAS TO DO TO WIN," as if this were a football game, and it was as simple as rushing the quarterback. And to prove it isn't a sport, Kara says he needs to "show his vulnerable side." I don't know that he connected with this song at all. This may be the end of the line for mr. jones. Oh yeah, guitar solo. Why is his light always the cheesiest? I really think it affects his performance. Randy said it fit him like a glove, which it should have, because he picked it. Ellen loved it. Kara said it was vulnerable, and it was a great choice, and Simon laughed. Simon said it was a better choice, but it was a lazy arrangement, and those too should have given him a better vocal. Kara is dumb. She yelled that mellow is how the song is supposed to be, not understanding that Simon isn't saying that he should have changed the song, he said he should have been given a bigger song for a big moment.

I should have laid money on Ellen picking Crystal's song, because it is the least difficult job. "Maybe I'm Amazed," which is one of my favorite songs in the universe. Apparently I missed a dumb face when Kara didn't realize the camera was on her. By the way, why wasn't anyone at Crystal's AT&T commercial shoot? No instrument for Crystal. She stands like a pregnant dude. Yeah, wrap your head around that vision. Wow, yelly mcyellerson. Oh yeah, she's Canadian. Isn't this AMERICAN Idol? (sister laughs)

Lee apparently doesn't have to read his message in from to AT&T. I guess they didn't pay enough for all three. Simon mentions that we have heard this song before, but not how Lee is gonna sing it. "Hallelujah." I don't particularly care for this song. Of COURSE there is a choir. But Simon made sure to keep them low and unobtrusive. Hope you had fun Casey, because your ride ends tomorrow. Probably better for him, so he can have more freedom. Simon looks at Kara like, "THIS is how you do it." The crows goes wild, and is on their feet. Randy loves it. Ellen called it "stunning." Kara says that "he is what the show is all about." I hate how dramatically she approaches the microphone, and then backs off after speaking as if she just announced the cure to cancer. Simon is awesome. And tonight officially decided that I will not watch a single episode when he is gone. Because the rest of these assholes can't do what he does.

Idol Recap- The Longest Hour of My Life

I only listened to the first 11 minutes, because fajitas are more important to me than Jamie Foxx. In case you are new to my blog- I can't stand him. So I just won't talk about him unless it is a good joke.

Boyfriend saw Taye Diggs in the audience, and as I am slinging onions I ask if Idina Menzel was with him. "Is there a white girl with dark hair and a big nose sitting with him." He says "I think so." So, anybody?

Lee sings "Kiss From a Rose," which someone sings every year. And it sucked. There, caught up.

Awkward Stool Time with Big Mike. It appears as though we have just woken him up from a slumber. He sings "Will You Be There" which is a Michael Jackson song from some movie that probably sucked. Jaime offered him the "contestant" shirt, because that practice performance was not enough "artist" for him. Oh Lord, do we really need a gospel choir on the stairs? Haven't we played this out? I'm gonna get more fajitas. Ellen reminds us all that this is from Free Willy. i remember seeing it in the theater, and wondering why the girl had so many bathing suits. I've always been practical. Simon asks what Free Willy is about, and wonders what it has to do with the song. And Kara, queen of the "sing the lyrics and understand the meaning" says "it's just a song." Sell out.

Lee and Crystal do this duo that I swear someone did last year. But, I looked back to my blogs and learned that I need to do a better job at tagging. Not like anyone cares that someone sang this at some point, but whatever. The judges geeked out over it, and I think it was annoying. Probably because I am still really pissed that everyone is so boring this season.

I really hate it when the mentors tell the contestants to "seduce them." This isn't as lame as that time the ALW told someone to pretend he was singing a love song to a little girl. I would link it, but as mentioned a few minutes ago, I do a really shitty job of tagging my blogs. Casey doesn't surprise us for a moment, and does "Mrs. Robinson."Randy makes a big joke about the song being about an older woman seducing a younger man. Somebody have a stick? We have a dead horse over here to beat. It sucked.

Crystal is singing the "classic song from Caddyshack," and if she fucks up Kenny Loggins that bitch is going through a wall. She was fine.

Casey and Mike did that annoying song from Don Juan De Marco. I wasn't paying attention, because my gmail account was hacked, and I was letting everyone know that I was hacked. You know, because potential employers really like to be sent links to Canadian Health care. Fuck.

Idol Recap- Call Me Irresponsible

For some reason, Sir Anthony Hopkins is in the audience. I think I remember him there once last year too. Weird.

Tonight is Sinatra night, and Harry Connick Jr is the mentor. He is looking good in his suit, too. Harry has brought members of his band with him, and he has helped to work on some arrangements. At least, that's what I think I heard.

Sinatra's two daughters are there, and give Simon a monogrammed hankie that belonged to Frankie. Whoa, Harry is giving legit feedback, and telling him what notes to hold when. He is singing "Fly Me to the Moon," and I want him to fly home, because his time has come. Randy rambles. Ellen jokes that the piano is pitchy. Ha. They have new coke cups this week. They are very 80's. Kara blah blah blah. Simon didn' t think he was cool enough, but he tries hard. Oh- tonight starts the 2 numbers business.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey. He was telling a funny story- but I didn't care enough to rewind. He is singing "Blue Skies," and Harry said that this song wasn't about the lyrics, but the vibe. ROUGH start. And it continues. I don't like it at all. Randy says it was pitchy all the way through. Casey looks Hiiiiiiiiigh. Ellen digs at Harry again. One more time, and it's too much. Kara said he sounded like a lamb, and a cougar in the audience loses her shit. Simon says he seemed awkward. Harry says that it was better in the rehearsal, and it is hard to hear on the stage, so that is probably playing a part. Good call- they are used to lame back ups, not a real orchestra.

Why do we need a commercial in between each performance? This is really quite ridiculous. Crystal is singing "Summer Wind," and has a connection that she is hiding. Because she is so mysterious. Oh Lordie! She has a tacky sun tattoo thing across her entire back. Wait. Is it a daisy? Or a sunflower? Either way, it's too much. Harry Connick is such a stud. Randy said it was sleepy. Is everyone red tonight, or is it just boyf's tv? Looks like Bowersox was by the pool. Kara liked her phrasing. Simon loves the song, but said it felt indulgent. She needs to shut her mouth with the backtalking.

Big Mike gets some awkward stool time. He is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." He goes for the more upbeat version. Which I don't like as much. Tony Bennet does my favorite version. Big Mike looks all watery eye high today too. Did they do a pool scene or something? What the hell?
Randy yells, so that means he likes it. Blah blah. I am so over Big Mike. Simon loves the performance too. I am sad that this is the last season I get to watch. Wish there was bigger talent.

Lee is up, and Harry shares that his wife thinks he is cute. Harry is such a ham. I love him. Lee is singing "That's Life," which is a great song for this season's regular guy. Too bad I can barely understand a word he is saying. Haha, Ellen says she was distracted by Harry's organ. LOLZ. The judges love it mucho.

Apparently the have Gaga tomorrow? Odd pairing.

Idol Recap- On the 6

We begin with Ryan introducing the remaining contestants as though they were cast members of The Breakfast Club: the brain, the jock, the princess, the dirty hippie... you get the idea. Wanna know how the show can not run over? Cut the first three minutes.

Tonight's mentor is Shania Twain, and I dig her. I can't believe that troll of a husband cheated on her. How can you even LAND her when you look like this? Which is also the only professional photo that was ever taken of him, and shown on every mention.

Lee, The Painter, is up first and taking on "You're Still the One." He rocks it out in his own little way, and the judges love it. Tell him he's making some funny faces though, and Kara totally interrupts and yells over Simon. Because sometimes it just isn't worth it, he just says he is done talking. She appears genuinely surprised. Another way to save time? Turn off the judges mics when they are done talking.

Big Mike, The Father, is singing some ballad that I have never heard before. Shania tells him he could sing the phone book and love it, and Mike with his big ego glows and smiles. She tells him not to take it for granted, and he needs to sing with passion because that is what winners do. He made Shania cry, in a good way. This week, Randy says that he loves the R&B ballady stuff. Bet ya next week that he will tell him he needs to mix it up. Ellen called it Luther Vadrossy, which is a good thing. Kara talks about how Shania is a songwriter, blah blah blah. Simon says Ellen is on point with the Luther, but said the song was "wet," which causes all sorts of controversy.

Casey, The Construction Worker, had stool time with Ryan, and sang some song that seemed kinda familiar. I was busy drawing a map for my sister to pick up our cousins from daycare. Also made her feel my abs as I am in day 4 of level 2 in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Serious business. The judges loved it, best performance ever, blah blah.

Crystal Bowersox, The Mother, is singing "No One Needs To Know Right Now." Shania tells her to be more upbeat. Apparently she is singing it for her boyfriend. It's cute and happy. Randy said it wasn't his FAVORITE performance. It wasn't Ellen's either, but she uses the analogy that it is like choosing your favorite color of the rainbow. Kara, AGAIN, says that she agrees with "the guys." Apparently forgetting that Ellen is a girl. Again. Simon said it was like the performers in the coffee shop that are there, but you really don't want to see. Ryan tries to stir the pot, and asks for Crystal's response to the criticism. Then there is an awkward exchange with her boyfriend. Another minute that could be saved.

I'm not even going to talk about Aaron, because I am so over him. And apparently I have been getting his age wrong. He is 17. Is GLEE on yet?

Siobhan, The Glass Blower, is butchering "Any Man of Mine." Why would she EVER chose this song? And the outfit is terrible. She struggles through the song, and is having mic problems, ans Shania is grimacing. Then there is a very disjointed screeching at the end. Shania golf claps. Randy eats it up. Ellen- "way to pull the Shania Twain into the station." Lame. Kara says "guess who's baAAaack!" Simon said he liked the song, but the screeching sounded like she was giving birth.

Apparently the Fox Gods let Idol know that they aren't there bread and butter anymore, because they are ending just about on time. Well, at least the most on time in recent years.

Idol Recap- Idol Gives Back

We start with Ryan standing in a sea of red, white and blue lights. Then, Barry O and Michelle come on, say hi and tell everybody to donate. This is a difficult night to snarkily blog. Because they are doing nice things. :/

The judges are super fancy tonight, but Simon still has his shirt unbuttoned. THe show is being filmed in two locations- with Ryan hosting one, and Queen Latifah at the other. This helps to gain extra sponsorship, ticket sales- and hopefully keep the show running on time. All ten finalists are out in white. Siobhan wears the dumbest outfits. This song is weird, and totally Disney.

Jennifer Garner takes on the first charitable organization, Save the Children. Helps locally to give children in poverty books to help them develop and learn. Jennifer visited a cute little family in Kentucky to show how the program has helped. And then Posh brings out two new BFFs, who have been overly rehearsed their speeches. Ryan Seacrest does not allow on air mess ups- so you better bring your A game.

Jonah Hill and Russel Brand have "offered to gather their famous friends" to run a phone bank. Insert lame and obvious joke- where there really aren't any celeb friends. WE will be checking in with them later.

Black Eyed Peas are up- singing the next song to be ridiculously overplayed by a top 40 station near you. The boys are wearing jackets and pants- and Fergie was apparently channeling her superhero side- wearing knee high boots, a leotard and cape. Oh shit! gold wrist cuffs too!! And there are robots with mohawks and guns. Someone needs to take their decision making powers away from them when they are high. Will.I.Am. is about a beat behind his voice track.

Now its Malaria time. Over the years, Idol Gives Back has been able to cut the number of people dying in half. That's pretty serious. Queen Latifah warns us that it will be hard to watch, and she wasn't kidding. :(

These cheesy bits are always more extreme on IGB night. They "auctioned" the results... and George Lopez was the highest bid. HILARITY ENSUES! George wants to judge the judges. George has a great Randy impression. And calls him out for being retarded. But "since you're the only brother on the show- you are safe." George calls her out for saying that she is always disappointed, etc.- but he has covered his wall with her nudie pictures and is safe." George tells her she is the Kourtney Kardashian of the Idol judges, which is hilarious. Simon is ready to be voted off, and looks at George like "bring it." He is not safe- and told to go to England. But apparently there is a volcano, so he is safe. Whatever.

Ford music video. Guess what- it is lame. Crystal and Casey in the center. That's a lot of alliteration. One is safe, and on one is bottom three for the first time. Casey is bottom three. Aaron and Lee are now center stage. Lee is safe. Duh. One seat is open in the bottom three. "Who will fill that stool?" Ha.

Joss Stone is apparently still relevant, and is singing "I Put a Spell on You." Because why not? Her hair is a normal color again, and is totally straight. She is backed by the Jubilation Choir, and the whole thing seems really out of place.

Dear Morgan Freeman- I love you. Please stay healthy forever. Morgan and Randy hung out in Mississippi to see what was going on. Save the Children has helped a small town here too. This program is one of the most successful in the country, and uses health and exercise training to increase benefits of education.

You can text your donation, and having learned a lesson from all the kids that texted to Haiti relief on their parent's bill- you can only text three times per phone.

Alicia Keys is performing and is super hot. She's really just stunning. She sings some song I don't know, and then she sings New York without Jay Z. I was kinda waiting for him to come out. But that didn't happen.

Back to the "phone bank" with a bunch of lame fakers, except for Slash. And crazy Tatianna from last year. And Octomom and a few kids.Really, she was there. Then Jim Carrey comes in and noticed that it's D list and runs. So lame and unfunny.

Queen Latifah is there with Common to promote their new movie, and introduce Carrie Underwood. She has a really pretty dress on. She is singing an inspirational song of some sort, that I don't know because the only country I listen to is Brad Paisley. Because he is cute and funny and romantic. :) Apparently the song had something to do with the difference 36 cents makes.

Ellen got to hang out with David Arquette, who has been spending his time out of the spotlight helping Feeding America, a food bank. Ten dollars can buy a crap ton of food. Elliot Yamin creeps me out. Surprise! It is going to go late.

Bill Gates talks global health care. I can't blog this anymore. I'll tell you who's out.

One more to add to the bottom-- Siobhan is safe. Mike is safe. Tim is bottom. Are we surprised at all?

More really upsetting stuff that I can't really deal with. And no, Annie Lennox is not really HIV Positive.

Not ok with a random group of fools doing Stairway to Heaven. It is 857, and this song isn't short. Is this ending at 930?And thank you for cheapening it even further with your electric light show, Idol.

We are at 9:16- and going to commercial break. Seriously?!?!?!?! Someone at Idol needs to be fired. Check it- you know the run time of the produced video pieces. You know the run time of the performances. You know how long the bits are supposed to be. You tell the comedian he has 3 minutes, and schedule 5. You cut the drama with the reveal, and just tell us the bottom three. THERE IS NO REASON THAT YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING OVER- AND 25 MINUTES IS INSANE.

Aaron is safe for one more week. What? Tim Urban is out. Casey is safe. Well, it was a pretty long ride for someone that landed here with a fluke.

24 minutes over.

Idol Recap- Ryan Seacest Is Not Your BFF

Apparently there was some drama last week, and Bowersox nearly quit the show. Ryan Seacrest talked her down from the ledge- and she was surprised it still made headlines. Hey, guess what? YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW! YOUR LIFE IS NO LONGER PRIVATE IF IT CAN GET RATINGS!

To save time, the judges don't make the grand entrance. And everyone BUT Ellen is wearing some sort of vest/sweater cardigan thing. Odd. I really like Ellen in ivory. Not everyone can wear it- most look like they are channeling Saturday Night Fever.

This week is Idol Gives Back-so look for some extra sappiness. Alicia Keys is the mentor- because she does charity stuff. Which I didn't know, because she doesn't pull a Sean Penn and tell the world she single handeldy saved a small country. So, with this theme- come songs that are inspirational.

Casey is bringing us "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Alicia had a great point- he needs people to say "I Like Him!" not "I Like This Song!" He did not do that. And the judges agreed. In fact- Simon called it lazy. I would have rather he did "This Is It," by Kenny Loggins. Because I LOVE Kenny Loggins. But- I'm really happy because my sister delivered nachos to me on her way to darts!

Awkward Stool Time with Lee Dewyze- this season's "regular guy." He will be singing "The Boxer," because it inspired him to learn how to play guitar. These mentor recaps have been significantly shorter. Damn you Idol audience and your LAME hand waving. I like the rougher version of this. Not as sing songy as the original. Randy says he loves him, no homo. Ellen loves his soul and depth and it's his best performance by far. Kara likes to disagree with Simon- even before he says anything. THIS week is his best performance, not the one Simon said. Simon loved it- sincere, emotional, and made it sound relevant. BRILLIANT. How come Simon can say brilliant without it seeming condescending or overdone?

Goo Goo Dolls and R. Kelly are coming up-- and so are Tim and the 16 YO. Money that the old beyond his years kid is singing "I Believe I Can Fly." He definitely won't be singing "Trapped in the Closet, Pt 3." But wouldn't be awesome if he did? What a ridiculous fiasco that was. But I watched every single one, like a sucker. Like a SUCKER! How does it END, R. Kelly?!?!

Tim is singing "Better Days," and Alicia reminds him not to trail off and lose it in the chorus. This kids gets too close to the mic. This is a new side to Tim- a little more grown up, and not as showy. Yo- check it out-for me. Ellen again with the metaphors says today he is the soup of the day, which is not a soup she likes. I wonder what that is? I don't particularly care for soup myself. Chef's choice makes me nervous. Kara gives actual feedback- and says while he has found the right style, but the execution was there. Simon says he doesn't know he buys it.

Aaron- hahahaha. WILL be singing "I Believe I Can Fly." Alicia basically looks at him like "boy, please." With the strings. So lame. I think this is the 19th time that Randy has told him he has a huge voice. Ellen makes a 70's drug reference- which is awesome. :) Jenny thought she could fly too... remember, Ellen? Kara said it was like a plane taking off a runway... leave the metaphors to Ellen. Because you are actually using really lame similes. Similes use like or as, Kara. So if you're going to be a copycat- at least do it right. Simon said there are two ways to look at it 1- looking at him and liking him, and 2- listening as if they never met him. So basically- since they like you , it was tolerable.

When Simon leaves Idol- can we have 2 hour episodes of Glee instead?

Siobhan is singing "When You Believe." Alicia finds her "money spot," and encourages her to take the "moment." Step back from the mic. Ugh. She has butterflies on her shoulders. Who approved this? Wardrobe are you TRYING to get rid of her? I don't like her. Oh shit, the butterflies go down her arm. Really? AND UP TO HER HAND. Glad to see that the Siozombies didn't catch on. Randy was meh. Ellen loved it, because what else is she going to say? Kara said she still doesn't know who she is. Simon says the butterflies looked like leaves, and were distracting. STOP TALKING. I just love the song. Well, I am glad that you are having fun- because we aren't. Get the hell over yourself, you aren't curing cancer. I will forget you in three months. Glad you are getting to live your dream- but it ends if you don't stop being so self- indulgent.


Awkward Stool Time with Bog Mike. Apparently he has been keeping a running list of songs he wanted to do on Idol. He is singing "Hero," which was used to promote the SUPER hero Spiderman. So clever! He does a great job taking these really rock songs and softening the edge a little. This is ok. The background singers are a little lame. Kara hated it. Simon says tonight was supposed to be inspirational and it was about Spiderman.

Way to play a Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers commercial. If she had gone on it before the show- maybe she would have won. Burn. But it shows that even if you don't take home the grand prize- you can still be a star. :)

Crystal "i don't know if I can take this anymore" Bowersox is singing without an instrument for the first time. She is singing some kind of gospely song that I am kind of familiar with. And she totally cried at the end. Like, can barely finish it. Randy has to remind her that he has loved her since day one. Ellen says she is beautiful and noticed her bong like mic stand. Kara says they call her Mama Sox because she schooled everyone. Simon was glad to see emotion, because she had been closing off. She is fake hugging Ryan, and asks to use his hanky. He says he thinks it is taped in. She says "hollywood." He snarkily says "that's where we are." Yeah- which means that nothing you say to Ryan is off limits, lady. Good thing you cried and used the church songs to distract the fact that you are a little ungrateful for an opportunity that millions ask for. :)

And They are 4 minutes over. Not cool, it's Madonna night.

Idol Recap- Whaddya Want From Me?

I am really excited about Idol tonight, because when it's over, GLEE is on.

I wonder(again) how much they spend in the lighting budget on the show. With my event production experience, I know that it is one of the cheaper ways to jazz something up- but seriously.

Kara is too dressed up compared to the other judges. At least it isn't sparkles this week. Ellen and Randy have decided they can BOTH wear vests, as long as one of them is sleeveless. Speaking of Ellen, I was a little geeked out when @TheEllenshow started following me on Twitter. I want you all to know that it will not sway my blogging, and if she says something stupid- I will still make fun. ;)

What?!?! Adam Lambert is the mentor for Elvis week? Where did I hear that it was for Queen week, or did I make that up? Is it because of the hair? Or is it the frequent use of glitter and glitz? Let's just hope he doesn't have the same obsession with fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches. Ahhh, Adam loves Elvis because he was a showman. He also acknowledges the fact that he is just beginning his career, so what does he know about mentoring. I am waiting for him to ----=omgomgomgomgomgomg Mr. Schuester is sitting right behind him!!!!!!---- come out with a Proactiv commercial. Shit, Katy Perry did it. Totally looks nothing like her in the commercial and it weirds me out every time. but. Ryan made some joke, and I totally missed it... I think it was borderline inappropriate.

The Dirty Hippie is singing "Saint," which I don't think I have ever heard. She is called "authentic" for the 8,352 time this season. Adam tells her to go electric and "let those dreads down." I hope bugs don't fall out. Randy thinks it was DOPE, and the second coming of Bonnie Raitt.... what? Ellen, instead of being repetitive, uses the time to say Happy Birthday to everyone in the audience. I know so many fricking Aries, it is ridiculous. They will be excited that they get the extra attention. Kara said something. Simon said it was original, blah blah. I really think I will just stop reviewing her. Wouldn't it be HI-Lar if everyone felt comfortable, and didn't vote for her--- and she was the bottom?? The judges have already used their "save." Yes, I'm dreaming. Yes, I have a thing against hippies that drives this thought.

Awkward Stool Time with Andrew. Damn, I thought they would have cut this to save time. He is reallllly boring. I though the tshirt/jeans/blazer combo peaked about 3 years ago... He is singing "Hound Dog," and Adam calls him out for being boring. Which he is. How has he made it this far? He's got the old school Elvis mic, and so far- it's boring. It sounds exactly the same as it did during rehearsal, when Adam said it was boring. Walking around the judges and towards the audience doesn't make it more interesting. Randy said it was "not good karaoke." Ellen wants more swagger, but he pulled it off. Kara thinks the mic was his crutch. Simon called it lazy, and it was the "part of the musical that no one wants to see or hear...." and "(his) coolness has been sucked out." So true. Ryan calls out that Ellen is the only one that liked it- apparently not understanding that SOMEONE has to fill the role of "the one that is always positive."

- took a twitter break, and found out the apparently the joke from Ryan involved tongues, and Brian Dunkleman. Somewhere, in his mother's basement, Dunkleman shoves another spoon full of Ben and Jerry's in his face. -

Tim is doing "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You." I think if he went with the UB-40 version, it would be gold. Adam says he should sing the end in the higher octave, like thoe Jonas Brothers do- because it makes little girls dial. Well, at least that's what he MEANS. Ryan is dancing with a random dude in the audience. It is too dark on the stage, and it doesn't really help the "I'm watching you from the bushes" face that he makes. Randy actually liked it, and the decibel level jumps. Ellen jumps in with another analogy- this time comparing him to tequila... the more she drinks it, the more she likes it. Simon liked it. Apparently the guy Ryan danced with was Michael Sarver, last season's "regular guy."

Lee Dewyze is jazzing up "A Little Less Conversation," and Adam tells him that his face is part of the performance, so maybe he should. His raspy voice goes a little better with the idea behind the song, which, in case you didn't know, is "shut your mouth and let's get busy." Randy geeks out. Ellen loves that it is more current, and reinforces that his confidence is what helps his performance. Kara loved the vocal- but wanted him to be a little more playful. Simon laughs at it and asks if she wants him to bounce around the stage. Simon loved it, and seems to be the only one that remembered that we are on limited time tonight. GLEE in less than an hour.

Aaron Kelly is singing "Blue Suede Shoes," because it is the probably the oldest type song he could pick, so at 16- naturally it would be the best fit. Adam tells him to get aggressive and grab his balls. Aaron realizes it's a bad choice, but could give a shit. Ugh. It seems very karaoke. Popped collar, bopping head, swaying hips... is he trying out for Grease? He then slows it down to a lounge act. Randy asks why it isn't the right song.. and his answer was "the drinking part." Randy liked the second half. Ellen thought it was a big song to take on, so it was an A for effort. Kara liked it because he was out of his comfort zone, and more current. The crowd seems shocked. Simon, of course, agrees with me. Old fashioned, karaoke, and a high school concert. He also said "frusss trAAY- ting" We are on the same level tonight.

It is so nice to be able to have two performances before a commercial. :)


Awkward Stool Time with Siobhan, and she has Elvis hair too. I hope that Adam tells her to stop trying to be him. "Suspicious Minds," is her song of choice- and he is sleepy, so he tells her to up the tempo. He says it is a "compliment" that people are comparing her to him. I wonder how many times he had to practice that to make it sound genuine. Her outfit looks like the one that Terry wears when she is a girl again in "Just One of The Guys." Damn you, google images for not providing me with a picture. And it is so 80's pop. Turrrrible. And the parents with her face on their shirt. Randy blah blah blah. Ellen thinks she looks fabulous, and liked the second half better, where she yelled like a banshee. Kara says she is confused by the two voices, and isn't crazy about it. Simon thinks it was erratic and not one of her best. Ryan wants to know what she should do next week. He says pick something that is more her. She says she doesn't know who she is, and that's ok, because who needs labels. Yup- and everyone gets a trophy, and everyone is special. Ugh.

Michael ins singing "In the Ghetto," which Siobhan recommended, because, you know, he's black. He slows it down and sings it on the chair with the guitar, because the ladies love it that way. Judges are kept to one sentence, because they realized that they wasted their chat time on the others. And they know they need it for Katie.

She is singing ".Baby Whatcha Want Me To Do?" because she wants to bring in the emotion of not knowing what the judges want into a song. Adam tells her that means she needs to rough it up, and you know, perform it. WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT. She is yelling into the mic half the time, and it is rough. Lights bonanza! Another tshirt family. Randy was "entertained," and seems surprised that it should be happening at this stage in the competition. Ellen said it was horny. Because there were a lot of horns. Kara got sassy. And Simon said it was annoying. But it doesn't matter what he thinks. When I look at her, I think of a comment from Showgirls. It is when the casting director is critiquing the girls, and he says to one (paraphrasing) "come back when you've screwed off the baby fat. " That's kinda how I feel about her.

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Casey is singing some song about misery. Adam tells him to make it more interesting, and he's like, "yeah, totally." Apparently "Cloudy, Miss Cloudy" is the song. His hair is pulled back, and his back up singers are on the stairs. It is weird. Ryan is really hanging out in the audience, and it is kind of creepy uncle with all the touching. Solid performance, blah blah. Ellen says it wasn't as exciting as she has seen.... Kara was bored. Simon called it a wasted opportunity. So, the show is ending on a downer...

Man- the bitches at Glee made sure this show ended when it was supposed to. Sorry Idol, you aren't the top dawg anymore. Don't mess with Glee fans, we've been waiting 4 months.

Who cares who goes home tomorrow? Fingers crossed for Siobhan and Aaron. Remember, there are supposed to be two. ;)


I'm not going to crazy spell check- because GLEE is on.

Idol Recap- 9 to 8

These opening montages make the show seem a lot more entertaining than it actually is. Ryan wants us to be prepared for a surprise or two tonight. I am on the edge of my seat.

For the record, I can't stand Jason Derulo. Mainly because my boyf is now working for a top 40 radio station out here, so I listen to show support.... and they played Jason Derulo TWICE in the 4 hour morning show n today. TODAY. Too much. Also the fact that he says his name in each song is annoying too.

The judges are talking about donations for the upcoming Idol Gives back. I hate that night. Not because of the idea that they raise money for charity. That's cool.

Group song. You can tell they are pre-recorded because everyone is actually on pitch. Anyone can be a popstar these days. It's called auto tune. The dirty hippie is wearing white go go boots, and sounds like a Disney princess. I bet this is Simon Cowell's least favorite part of every show. If I were him, I would be drunk. It's the only way to endure this cruise show karaoke performance. I can't believe people pay money to see that shit on tour. Americans blow my mind.

Casey is the star of these terribly cheesy commercials. Do they use the same lame songs every year?

Let's get to the cuts. Siobhan is standing, and there aren't any cuts to any Sizombies in the audience. Where did those crazies go? Apparently they weren't dialing in, because she is sent to the center stage. Sweet. Hippie is safe, but looks terrified.... she is sent to the center as well. Which means she has to be safe, along with Siobhan, because Katie is joining her. And they never announce the bottom three in the first 15. Oh Idol, you toy with our emotions so. Crystal is announced as safe. Duh. And both the others are safe too. I just noticed that Katie is wearing a Let It Be shirt. What a poser. All the chicks are safe, so three of the dudes are in the bottom. Remember at the beginning of the season, when everyone kept saying "they picked crappy boys because they wanted a chick to win this year." Well, hate to break it to you, but those people are stupid. Because they picked crappy EVERYONE this year. So there.

Jason Derulo was signed by Kara. I now hate her. What the hell is he wearing?? His jacket has spikes and studs. And he is wearing gloves. I'm just thankful he didn't keep singing that stupid "when I become a star, we'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you" song. I think I have complained about it before. Is it necessary to have slow mo/ black and white scenes? He cannot hit a single high note and almost falls in the end of this cheesy spin, toe pic touch. Would have been better if he fell. Kara is in love, and says he is an incredible songwriter. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??? Simon pretends like he liked it. Drunk.

Hey, remember David Archuleta? He was the runner up and then guest starred on an episode of I-Carly. And that's it. So- don't vote for 16 YOs, America. He is such a nerd.

Lee is standing now, and they have to talk AGAIN about his lack of confidence. He now has to stand on the far side. I hate these dramatics. Big Mike stands...he gets to stand on the right side. Casey James stands, and has his hair pulled back. He joins Lee. I hope Aaron Kelly and David Archuleta get to hang out after the show. He gets to stand with Big Mike, who is three times his size. Tim Urban stands, and the girl screaming begins. He joins Lee and Casey. This is getting interesting... darn you Idol for making me think! Andrew stands and shows that he really doesn't have much personality. He joins Big Mike and Aaron. One of the two groups is bottom three. Ryan asks Ellen to guess which is bottom three, and she actually says Big Mike's group. And she is right. They looked pissed. Aaron Kelly is safe. Wowza....

We have THREE performers tonight?!?! Can't this just be a half hour? Balls. Rhianna is being rough and tough. She is singing about being a rockstar. Hmm. Head to toe leather. She's always been weird, IMHO. Now she is writhing around on the ground. This song sucks. I wonder if she wrote it herself. I think she changed songs... no wait... now she is holding a guitar, and it is obvious that it is only for looks. The judges aren't sitting in their normal seats, and I bet money Simon is in the back, crossing another day of the calendar of his contract.

Ryan reminds us that they are both fathers, and one of them is now a loser in their child's eyes... Andrew is safe.... Big Mike is SHOCKED. So is the roomie. Me too, if we are being honest. He is singing "This Woman's Work, " because they loved it a few weeks ago. His wife is bawling. Well hey, maybe now he can actually start to raise his daughter. #justsayin Kara looks like she is gonna riot. Do they save him now, or do they save whoever falls victim to the 13 yo girl voting block next week? Holy shit this is intense. Simon is always the talker. He wishes that he had sung like this the night before.... it was unanimous, and he is safe. His fans will get back into gear next week. They way everyone is reacting on stage, it is like he just cured cancer. Chill out.

Idol Recap- Let It Be

Tonight is Beatles night. Let's see if it is like last year's Beatles night, where half of the covers were covers of songs changed for Across the Universe and I Am Sam, and the judges were none the wiser. Again with the behind the scenes crap. We know that there is a big control room that makes sure everything runs smoothly. I guess this year they want some more credit, since the show has been ending mostly on time. I would like to think that my continual complaining had something to do with it. I was willing to call the show for them, and get it to run on time for once. That call never came.

They put up a picture of Didi Benami as if she were dead. I found out that's how my old co-workers talk about me. Like, at lunch they say, "remember when Marissa (insert something witty and fun)?...... May she rest in peace." I think that's hilarious. Miss them all. :)

This week is Beatles week, and they have a montage of Beatles clips, and clips of the contestants waxing philosophical about the impact the Beatles had on pop music. But none of them were alive to hear them, so they just regurgitate the same crap that everyone has said about the Beatles for all of time. McCartney himself delivered an awkward message to the contestants, and it appears that he has had a stroke. Might have to google that. Ellen won the battle tonight, and gets to wear the vest. Kara chooses to dress on the exact opposite end of the spectrum, in a sequined party dress. The judges continue the rambling about the Beatles being the best band in the history of the universe, and Simon mentions that there are some songs from the Beatles that just cannot be changed. Uh oh contestants.... the judges are onery tonight!

This week, they asked the contestants to talk to about each other. Apparently the 16 YO Aaron is a big Star Wars nerd. Please look to the shocked look on my face. (/sarcasm) He will be singing "The Long and Winding Road." Not sure that I am familiar. His voice is really shaky and pitchy. With a really harsh ending. Not feeling it, dawg. Randy doesn't either. Another sleepy performance. What is with the angel glow from the lights on the judges? I think they are scared of HI-Def, and the soft lighting is an attempt to soften their fine lines. Kara says he needs to pick up the tempo, because we are asleep. Simon asks him why he chose it, and of course, he felt a personal connection. But it was boring and old fashioned. This kid is shorter than Ryan Seacrest. I hope he gets a growth spurt soon.

Awkward Stool Time with Katie. Apparently she has received 5 requests for Prom. She said that whoever votes the most will get to take her. Katie knows the "Single Ladies" dance. Riveting. And, because she is really out to prove she is young and hip, she chooses "Let It Be." It is a fine version, but does nothing to help the "stop acting like a 44 year old" critique from the judges. Randy is an idiot, and of course it is her "best performance ever." It might get to the point in this season where I stop talking about him- just like I did last year. Kara talks about how she is blossoming on the stage, and gets misty. Simon says that she got it right, because she leaned in the direction of more country. The other judges yell. And Kara sings for all of us. Remember? She's a really important song writer. Ugh, the dreaded "I had a blast." This girl has zero personality.

Andrew is a comedian, which is in total disagreement with Simon's criticism of him having the personality of a carrot. He will be singing "Can't Buy Me Love," which- for the record- is one of my favorite 80's movies. If Paula were here, she would ramble in a drug induced slur that she did the choreography for that movie. And I would smile. This version is a little funky, and guess what?!?! He showed some personality, and fakes the rest by wearing yellow. Because only really exciting people wear yellow. Randy said it was corny. Ellen says it was fun. Because what else is she supposed to say? Kara is meh, but says it in way more words. Simon says the band was overpowering, and made it old fashioned and irrelevant.

Big Mike is a loud snorer, is the Incredible Hulk and a Teddy Bear. Because his family was a performing family like the Jacksons, minus the asshole dad- let's hope- he will be singing "Eleanor Rigby," which his dad used to sing. Of course- it is funky, with a string quartet. He does an awesome job, and I think it's the first time he really deserved to be here- instead of people just loving the story. Randy "loves seeing the artist in him blossom." Barf. Ellen thought it was incredible. And Kara said it was FIRE. Simon said it was like a musical, which he doesn't like. Maybe that is why I liked it so much, because I am a SUCKER for a good musical. Hey judges, lets take 7 extra minutes arguing and critiquing a contestant that will be around for a few more weeks. GREAT use of our time.

Bowersox is up next. Money that she is going to do something from the drug induced Beatles period. Awkward Stool Time with Bowersox. Apparently in small town Ohio, with 1500 people- there is a "Home of the Dirty Hippie" sign hanging. The other idols says she is a beautiful mother that cares for everyone. But she is also a rebel that doesn't care what everyone thinks! This week's song she chose because it was "Fun." Really, "Come Together" is fun? But, I was right- it is druggie Beatles. How else do you explain lines like "he got joo joo eyeball?" Annnnnd she messed up the lyrics on a totally predictable performance. Randy rambled. Ellen is the president of the Bowersox fan club. Kara says it is a favorite performance because it was slinky and sexy. Simon said he could hear that performance on the radio. I think for the next few weeks I am not going to go over the commentary for Crystal, because it is all the same.

By the grace of the teenage girls across the world, Tim Urban lives to sing another week. And everyone loves his smile. And OF COURSE he is picking a FUN song. "All My Loving." That is my favorite type of Beatles song. His hair is very Beatles tonight, and this performance is making me smile like a school girl. The roomie even noticed, and it was embarrassing. Randy says it was better, mentions the Beatles hair. Naive Little Timmy was totally unaware. Kara is shooting him the death glare while Ellen giggles. She basically says "we've been beating you up and you keep coming back, so kudos." Simon said he did really well, and he liked that it was gimmick free and sounded current. And while he looks girly, he "takes criticism like a man." Even says he is proud. Randy is cranky, because he got it wrong.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. David Boreanaz and Bones are there!!!!!!! I have loved David for 14 years. I bawled like a baby when Angel died on Buffy. I was walking around the house sobbing, and my father said "Jesus Christ, Marissa. I didn't cry that much when my father died." I have always been over involved in television. The only dude I have loved longer is Jared Leto. And if you think I won't follow through on my plan to wear a Jordan Catalano t-shirt to the upcoming 30 Seconds to Mars concert--- you've got another thing coming.

Casey has a big laugh, like Kendra. And he has beautiful hair,like Jesus. He will be doing "Jealous Guy," written by Lennon. Rough start.... kinda reaching.... now we are into it. When I hear this song, I think of Look Who's Talking Too. He is kinda dreamy.... and totally rocking this. I can tell, because I stopped typing and just listened. <3. I hate it when i get a crush on the contestants. I had a serious crush on Kris Allen last year. I am just a sucker for a guitar player. I may or may not have made out with at least 5 dudes merely because they played guitar. Back in my single days, of course. :) Ellen loved it. And if you're keeping track, this time replaces all the other times that she has said that THIS was her favorite performance. Kara, blah blah vulnerable. Simon says it was the best of the night. He used the word "ginormous," and it made me happy. :)

Siobhan is up, and everyone is trying to find a nice way to say she's a total weirdo. Except for Big Mike- who says it straight. Tonight she will be singing "Across the Universe," which is one of my favorites. She better not fuck this up. She has a stool, so that means she is serious. She is singing straight through her nose. WHAT IS WITH THE RUFFLE SKIRT??!! I hope someone says this is self-indulgent, because this is textbook. I am trying to tune her out by switching to ONTD, but the website isn't loading properly since their redesign. Anyone else having that problem? If you aren't familiar... it is THE PLACE for snarky celebrity commentary on the interwebs. I want to be one of them so bad. Randy sucks. Ellen has weirdo love. Kara rambled. And Simon asked her how it was relevant to her. And she rambles about how nothing is going to change her world. And cries. Simon smiles awkwardly and says she was better than last week- and the loud jerk from the audience gets some screen time. Don't do that. You are only encouraging him. They even let him come on stage?!?! Is there no longer a code of conduct?

Lee Dewyze is the resident worry wart. Apparently Lee and Andrew have major guy love (don't worry- the link is SFW) for each other. He is singing "Hey Jude," which isn't a really big surprise. I like the gravel he brings to it. ANNNNNNND Bagpipes. Because, why the hell not? Now we know why this was saved for last. Randy loves the bagpipes. He tells him again not to be nervous. YO, PLEASE BELIEVE! These families wearing "vote for my family member" shirts are annoying. We get it. We know you're family. We see "so and so's family" in the lower third. Simon did not dig the bagpipes, but admires that Lee asked for them. Because, let's be honest- there are weirder things that he could request... like a didgeridoo. Wow, I spelled that correctly on my first attempt. I RULE!

Katie, Andrew and the 16 YO are bottom three. Unless this is the time that America gets lazy, and one of the favorites makes it there... we shall see tomorrow. :)

IF you are looking for something good to watch after Idol, start watching Parenthood. It is great that Lorelei Gilmore is back on tv. Sigh. I want to be her so bad.

Idol Recap- 10 to 9

So, I missed part of the opening, because I needed to load up on allergy medicine. I LOVE spring in AZ, and I had the windows open all day. Only problem is the sinus headache that comes with it. After two Benadryl, let's see if I stay awake for the whole show. There were dragons and Simon, and it was weird.

In case you were wondering, Ruben Studdard has not been found face down in a pile of cream filled donuts, and is in fact, still recording music. This song is really weird, and it is apparently R&B, since that is the theme this week. I like that Idol pretends that they have such a diverse group of winners/top contestants that represent every genre. Who really knew this guy was even still alive? He has some cute dimples, but his suit fits really weird. Apparently because he has lost a lot of weight, and is Vegan now. That boggles my mind, the whole Vegan thing. I have a friend that does it, and she makes some really great meals. I just don't know that I could put forth that much effort.

This week's painful obligatory commercial presentation is to "Kung Fu Fighting," and there are two teams in kung fu outfits, except for Casey- who was like, "you've gotta be fucking kidding me if you think I am gonna sell out that hard." These things are so cheesy.

Now Ryan talks with the contestants to get their feedback on their performances and such, and Crystal proves that she has limited personality. She makes a joke about learning the guitar because it was easier to carry than a piano- and no one laughs. Ouch.

Ugh, the cross promotion is unbearable. The cast from Clash of the Titans has a message for the cast. And it was stupid.

Lee is the first to stand, and rambles like an idiot. But he is safe, and Casey James is on the chopping block. They keep putting the two of them together, as if to say they are competing for the "raspy voiced rocker" spot. There's only room for one.. but we will find out which one in a later episode because they are safe, and there are more slackers to cut. Ryan brings up the little boy, and tries some banter. And Simon tells him this isn't the Oprah show so STFU. Awkward banter ensues, and of COURSE Randy has to put his two cents in, all to find that the kid is safe. Siobhan and Katie stand together, and Siobhan has a shirt with a big skull on it, but her hair is really sassy. Ryan tries to ask AGAIN who Katie should listen to--- and this is so overdone. WHO FUCKING CARES!? The girl is boring and needs to go home. She is in the bottom three AGAIN. I think Simon is going to punch Ryan in the face (well deserved) and basically tells Katie the reason she is In the bottom three is because she is not listening to him. Which is true.

OMFG, Justin Beiber!!! I love that little guy so much. I wish he was performing instead of Usher. His voice sounds really weird. "honey's got some boobies like wow wow wow?" Really?!?!?! Reason # 832 I don't listen to top 40 music. What time do they film this, because Will.I.Am is supposed to be in PHX tonight performing? Maybe he has super powers. Lindsay Lohan's crazy ass is supposed to be there, according to her twitter. I don't know if she really likes the show, or just likes it because Samantha Ronson does. Yes, I know this. Remember- I am unemployed right now. I went from talking to 100-200 people a week to mainly communicating with my cat. I have spare time.

Didi is awkwardly talking with Ryan now, and she still looks pissed that he was such a weirdo last night. Poor Didi is in the bottom three. I bet if she had told a story about how the song was sung for her dead boyfriend, she would have gotten enough votes to stay.

They bring up big Mike, and pretend that he is in the bottom three, only to find out that Ryan just wanted to give him a high five. Wanna know what you get when you mess with big Mike? You get picked up and tossed in the air like a rag doll.

Crystal is safe. The next few weeks are just a formality.

Tim and Andrew are standing together and holding each other in a really weird way. Kara calls him out on being a smiley pants, and he basically says "look, I know I'm not long here on this show, so I am gonna have some fun." Andrew is safe, and Tim is in the bottom three. The other two losers walk to center stage with him and we watch and point like they are circus freaks. Katie is saved again, because --- well, I don't have an answer for that.

Now we have to hear some song from some "entrepreneur" that I have never heard of. Haha... can you tell I was only half listening to the intro? This guy comes out and is dancing.. and I thought- he moves like Diddy. I think the Benadryl is kicking in. I'm sorry Diddy, you can tell me to turn my television up and my lights down- but that requires getting up. Not gonna happen. Idol is not meant to be interactive. Diddy hugs all the judges- and I think he might have ignored Kara...

Alright- who gets kicked off......

Didi. What. The. Hell. You should have bared your soul, you tard. She is going to sing for her life... as if the judges would save her. She sings "Rhiannon," which I think she sang before. The judges are whispering, and Ellen is not involved, basically because she is a puppet. Simon is asked if she is to be saved, and the crowd chants "save her, save her!" But unlike the "Donna Martin Graduates!" chant, this does not work. I will still buy her album because I like chick rock.

Apparently her and Siobhan are best friends, because they are sobbing and holding each other. Ryan can't even talk and all we hear is bawling. Weird.

Idol Recap- Ten Pipers Piping

We begin with a really awkward backstage bit, probably to add "spice to the show." It is really just forced, and quite odd when Ryan tells the judges to kiss each other.

I always wondered what the people who sit behind BEHIND the assholes with the big signs think about having a neon pink piece of cardboard dancing in front of their face multiple times throughout two hours. If the sign is as shabbily made as some of these, I would be pissed. At least put some effort into it.

Randy wins the cardigan sweater this week.

Fresh off his latest Michael Jackson tribute, Usher is this week's mentor. Siobhan geeks out. Usher jokes that he will be critical, but he realizes this is just an opportunity to sell albums- so why show his nasty side? Ryan looks like a big nerd with his sunglasses, because he wants to be cool like Usher and wear sunglasses inside. The only time I do that is when I am hungover. Do you think it is coincidence that there are pretty girls sitting behind Usher, in camera sight? Sorry uggos- you have to sit in the back row, in the corner. No one wants you on tv.

Siobhan- I just found out that my mom loves this weirdo. She is performing "Through the Fire," and Usher was shocked that she had the voice to back it up. He talked to her about her wardrobe choice, without saying "bitch what the HELL are you wearing. freak." She seems to be singing kind of off the beat, and it is PITCHY. Really pitchy. The back up singers are not amused, and dogs in the neighborhood are covering their ears with their paws. Her Missy Elliot boots look stupid. Randy thinks it is kinda rough, and Ellen makes another metaphor, this time about getting lost hiking. Kara said her lower register wasn't there, and she is entitled to a free pass because she has been so awesome. Simon basically tells her she looks like an idiot, sounded terrible and he is sick of the screaming at the end. Ryan tries to get Siobhan's thoughts because she thought she was taking a risk. Then we get to hear the judges give the same feedback they JUST gave, which will undoubtedly put us over. Ryan- you should know better than to ask the judges a questions after their allotted time.

More behind the scenes footage shows Siobhan waling back in a trance.

Casey- "Hold On, I'm Coming." And gets a thumbs up and head nod from Usher. That's about it. Back up singers have moved to the other side of the stage in order to bring in the trumpets and such. Casey is sometimes playing guitar, and the rest of the time it just hangs there limply. Why bother bringing it out? Oh----- so he could have a rock out solo towards the end. I bet Randy will say it was great, even though he is the one that always sells this as a SINGING competition. If you still think that, I've got a time share in the Bahamas I would like to talk to you about. Randy loved it, duh. Ellen said it felt generic, and gets boo'd. Kara talks about his range, and he needs to pick a song that has some more umph, and isn't so simple. Simon says it was great- and showed a different side. The judges look like they are going to KILL him. Because he was happy? Weirdos.

Big Mike is singing "Ready for Love," a song I have never heard of. Usher tells us that chicks dig a guy that can sing and plan guitar. No shit?!?! He tells Big Mike to play to the audience, and into the camera. Which is something that Miley told him to do last week, and something that Mike has always done. These mentors are really top notch. Mike is singing on a stool behind the judges, which is kinda weird. And as my mom pointed out "how can he look at the audience if he has his eyes closed?" The audience is doing the lame hand waving shit, which is weird. Randy loved it, and so did Ellen. Why don't they just take turns, since they say the same thing. Kara loved it and totally geeks out on him. Simon can finally take him seriously, and cue Usher looking like a proud papa. And now has two bodyguards sitting next to him. Some fans musta gotten crazy during the break.

Didi- since I have been spelling her name wrong. Thanks for not attacking me about it. She is singing "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted," and totally broke down at the end, and Usher says to bring the emotion earlier, so the audience can feel it. She looks beautiful, and her dress is killer. Red carpet glam. The performance is pretty basic, until she does this desperate pleading at the end. Randy said he performance was flat, and he didn't get it. Ellen said it was way dramatic, and Kara agrees that it is overdone. She says she doesn't know who she is. Simon said it was like like swimming in jelly, and he is basically over her. He then makes reference to her dancing show that butchers songs. Hilar. Then there is this really awkward exchange where Ryan asks her to explain why she chose it, and she beats around the bush and he pokes more, and he realizes she won't explain- so he tells everyone that she was singing the song FOR someone and he will leave it at that. We'll see if people share anymore secrets with YOU Ryan.

Awkward stool time with Tim- they have this interesting conversation about Tim being called Teflon Tim. He is singing "Sweet Love, " and Usher tells him he doesn't believe him. He is supposed to then imagine Usher is his love interest, and that doesn't work so much either. Uh oh, Tim is on the stairs- so you know he is serious. This wide eyed thing is really creepy. Like he is watching me undress. Kinda stalkerish. But- chicks dig Edward Cullen, so this might work to his advantage. I have a feeling he might be this season's Sanjaya. Randy called him a singing waiter, but complimented him for singing in tune. Ellen calls out an apparent drinking game where people drink every time she called him adorable, and says it a few times for their benefit, because it won't happen again. She then echoes my sentiment that he is a creeper. Kara says he sucked the soul out of it, and Tim laughs. Simon tells him it was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, because he has no chance of winning. But he says that he can keep laughing, because it doesn't matter- because the girls will vote, and he will be here next week anyway.

Ryan has lost his mind. I think his 429 jobs are finally taking a toll.

Andrew is singing "Forever" by the girlfriend beater. And Usher told him he was acting like a nervous spaz and that he needed to do it again and connect. I am glad that he is doing this a little acoustic and different, because Chris Brown is dead to me, and hearing his voice fills me with rage. Wait, double your pleasure double your fun are the REAL lyrics? I thought he just did that for the gum commercial. Lame. Randy proclaims that "Andrew is back!" Ellen talks about him smiling. And the dentist. Kara says it is a giant leap in the right direction. Simon said it was miles better, but that he is boring. In order to take the show to another level of crazy, Ryan asks Andrew's mom what she thinks- and encourages her to say something in Spanish into his microphone. Ryan is high.

Katie Stephens talks about some time that she met Usher at Universal, and he got escorted away by security. She is singing "Chain of Fools," which is way old- and doesn't help her need to be younger. Usher tells her to connect with the audience. Her hair looks stupid. Like a pasty white girl trying to be street, and the hoop earrings are too much. And that outfit makes her look pregnant. I am only commenting on the outfit because we all know she can sing. But she is otherwise boring, proving again that this is not a singing competition. Randy says she has the pipes, but needs to connect. Ellen says she needs to be current. DUH. Kara says the vocals were great but she needs to make it more commercial. Simon thinks it is robotic and Star Search. Then everyone yells about how Simon is wrong and doesn't know anything, and he laughs all the way to the bank.

Awkward stool time with Lee Deweyze. I forgot he was still on this show. "Treat Her Like a Lady," is what he has chosen, and Usher thinks it is a special treat. Usher tells him to won it, just like the judges have been telling him for weeks now. He has totally removed the cheesy do-wop from the song and rocked it up. I dig. Randy yells, which means he liked it. Ellen too. Kara says i was amazing. Simon says he has always believed in him, and he has been a disappointment up until this point- but he needs to go home tonight and watch it, because it was the performance that may have changed his life forever.

Would it be possible to have two performances without a break? GLEE IN TWO WEEKS!!!!

Crystal is called out by Usher, who tells her to play the piano instead of playing the guitar. Usher loves her, and begins to speak very mellow, as if they shared some reefer before. "Midnight Train to Georgia" is her somg for tonight, and it suits her voice nicely. She is obviously safe, so that is all you will get from me. Oh Shit- she stood up from the piano, and is connecting with the audience. Randy name drops, saying that Gladys would love it. Ellen says she is in it to win it. Kara is a proud mama. Simon says the choice was sensational, and her vocals were incredible. But he does say that the back up vocalists needed to not be there, and it makes it someone she isn't. Since she knows who she is, he tells her not to get sucked into the machine.

Is it just me, or has this been the longest episode ever? I really like these tampon commercials that make fun of how lame tampon commercials are. Who wears white pants on their period? Not just because of the obvious reason.... but because you feel like a fat whale, and white pants aren't exactly slimming.

Aaron is singing "Ain't Know Sunshine" and Usher tells him the "I Know, I Know" part needs to be more personal. Usher says he could do well if he plays his cards right. Well, since he is the last performance, I have to assume he did alright. His jacket has a really big hood, as if he is prepared for a rainstorm. Meh. Exactly what I thought it would be. Randy said something I didn't hear because my mom was talking. She seems to forget that I need to hear this. :/ The other two are meh. Simon said that he has heard it sung much better, including on this show- but he is safe.

Siobhan's performance is even worse in the recap. I can't remember how to say her name, because in my head, I call her Sybian. Thank you Howard Stern.

I hope someone is driving Ryan home. That dude is on something, and I want to make sure he gets a glass of water, a sandwich, and gets put to bed.

Idol Recap- Who's on Tour?

Tonight, the most important Idol vote off.... until next week. Big deal, we get to the Top Ten. Dramatic intro, comic book style... and then there is a chick in the audience with blood all over her face. Wait... what? Camera to Ryan... crowd shot with the bloody faced girl, as if to say, "yes, you REALLY DID just see that." I wonder if she is dramatically protesting the heath care reform.

As if these group sings couldn't be worse--- let's destroy a Wham song. I will let you know, no disparaging remarks about Wham, or one of my all time favorite artists, George Michael, will be tolerated. No joke. Serious as a heart attack.

Ugggggh, totally forgot about these ridiculous Ford commercials. Remember when the Plain White T's were relevant? I do... it was right before I met my boyf... 2 AND A HALF YEARS AGO. Get relevant.

Ryan has all the contestants sitting in two rows, reminding them of how CRUCIAL tonight is.

Apparently Siobhan's friend is growing a beard that will not be shaved until she is kicked off... which might be soon, because the chick covered in blood is her friend... and is a "Sizombie, " or something equally ridiculous. Yes, a crazy army of fans that cover themselves in blood are exactly who America relates to.

Did you know that Big Mike is a dad? Because there is another video package about it.

Siobhan is the first to be stood up, and she awkwardly rambles for what seems like half a hour, only to hear that she is safe. Cue screaming blood covered chicks. Seriously, this girl needs some PR help. Weirdos. Come to think of it, there are those idiot girls that want to be vampires so they can find their own abusive true love that sparkles, so it might not be a bad idea. Sizombies!

Lee and Casey stand together. We hear their critiques... and they are forced to stay standing, while we hear about how Tim and Paige sucked balls. Tim AGAIN talks about how much FUN he had. Paige looks like she is going to vomit, and admits she sucked. Ryan asks Randy to talk about who is in the bottom three, and he grows a pair and says Paige. And he is right.... and Tim is there with her. They walk across the stage in shame, and Lee and Casey are still standing there until commercial, because they haven't been directed to do anything else. But up next, IT'S MILEY!

Miley, because she is a true artist, is at the piano. Last night she stressed "connecting with the audience through eye contact, " but because she is Miley fucking Cyrus, she is singing with her eyes closed, because NO ONE tells her what to do... not even herself. She gets up from the piano only to throw herself into really forced convulsions and headbanging when she hits the powerful chorus. Odd. Billy Ray is in the audience, and it is clear that he is confused by the performance as well.

Top row is safe, so Casey and Lee got to sit. The 16 YO stands up and is already about to cry- but he is safe, and Ryan puts him out of his misery quite quickly. Dee Dee is up, and talks and I want to punch her. They babble and I checked my twitter. She's safe. Big Mike stands up, and the stage shakes. Kidding. He's safe, in case you were losing sleep over it. Dirty Hippie: safe. And the sky is blue. Either Andrew or Katie are in the bottom three, and no one is surprised. By some magical Emo voting block, Andrew is safe- and Katie is in the bottom three. They line them up only to send Katie right back. Such drama and excitement.

OMG, a Jonas and Demi Lovato!!! OMG, they're like TOTALLY DATING, which is so great, because they've been BFF's for like, ever! Wow, Demi is really dramatic with the hand movements. Is this the song they recorded for that save the whales thing on the Disney channel? Yeah- I'm 27 and I watch the Disney channel. Phineas and Ferb is a funny show. I'm comfortable with that. Hey, where's Perry?

8:54.... aaaaaaannnnd we're back. Did you know whoever is safe goes on tour? Red lights for effect. Paige is out, and a forced "ohhhhhhh" comes from the audience. Ryan asks for words of encouragement from Simon, and he tells her that he doesn't want to toy with her, because she IS going home, no doubt. The "safe" pass won't be used on her. Simon tells her to go back to her roots when they met her and how she used to not suck. Ryan pours salt in the wounds, and asks what she is going to tell her students, since she failed. AND she has to watch her video package- and Ryan closes everything out, thanking Miley and Demi and the hipster Jonas, and thank the crew and the band and the audience--- because they really only want to hear about 7 seconds of her shit-tastic performance. Wait, wtf, she's allowed to sing any song she wants? When did this start? Did they do this last week? Because I was drunk. It was St Pattys. :)

Anyone know what "PTz on the Deckish" means? Boyf got a random text message from someone he doesn't know- in that weird text/twitter language with no punctuation, and that was the sign off. EDIT: apparently it was a guy randomly text messaging to promote his myspace music. check it out here: http://www.myspace.com/hatturntback

Off to Chicago tomorrow, see you bitches next week!