Idol Recap- Ten Pipers Piping

We begin with a really awkward backstage bit, probably to add "spice to the show." It is really just forced, and quite odd when Ryan tells the judges to kiss each other.

I always wondered what the people who sit behind BEHIND the assholes with the big signs think about having a neon pink piece of cardboard dancing in front of their face multiple times throughout two hours. If the sign is as shabbily made as some of these, I would be pissed. At least put some effort into it.

Randy wins the cardigan sweater this week.

Fresh off his latest Michael Jackson tribute, Usher is this week's mentor. Siobhan geeks out. Usher jokes that he will be critical, but he realizes this is just an opportunity to sell albums- so why show his nasty side? Ryan looks like a big nerd with his sunglasses, because he wants to be cool like Usher and wear sunglasses inside. The only time I do that is when I am hungover. Do you think it is coincidence that there are pretty girls sitting behind Usher, in camera sight? Sorry uggos- you have to sit in the back row, in the corner. No one wants you on tv.

Siobhan- I just found out that my mom loves this weirdo. She is performing "Through the Fire," and Usher was shocked that she had the voice to back it up. He talked to her about her wardrobe choice, without saying "bitch what the HELL are you wearing. freak." She seems to be singing kind of off the beat, and it is PITCHY. Really pitchy. The back up singers are not amused, and dogs in the neighborhood are covering their ears with their paws. Her Missy Elliot boots look stupid. Randy thinks it is kinda rough, and Ellen makes another metaphor, this time about getting lost hiking. Kara said her lower register wasn't there, and she is entitled to a free pass because she has been so awesome. Simon basically tells her she looks like an idiot, sounded terrible and he is sick of the screaming at the end. Ryan tries to get Siobhan's thoughts because she thought she was taking a risk. Then we get to hear the judges give the same feedback they JUST gave, which will undoubtedly put us over. Ryan- you should know better than to ask the judges a questions after their allotted time.

More behind the scenes footage shows Siobhan waling back in a trance.

Casey- "Hold On, I'm Coming." And gets a thumbs up and head nod from Usher. That's about it. Back up singers have moved to the other side of the stage in order to bring in the trumpets and such. Casey is sometimes playing guitar, and the rest of the time it just hangs there limply. Why bother bringing it out? Oh----- so he could have a rock out solo towards the end. I bet Randy will say it was great, even though he is the one that always sells this as a SINGING competition. If you still think that, I've got a time share in the Bahamas I would like to talk to you about. Randy loved it, duh. Ellen said it felt generic, and gets boo'd. Kara talks about his range, and he needs to pick a song that has some more umph, and isn't so simple. Simon says it was great- and showed a different side. The judges look like they are going to KILL him. Because he was happy? Weirdos.

Big Mike is singing "Ready for Love," a song I have never heard of. Usher tells us that chicks dig a guy that can sing and plan guitar. No shit?!?! He tells Big Mike to play to the audience, and into the camera. Which is something that Miley told him to do last week, and something that Mike has always done. These mentors are really top notch. Mike is singing on a stool behind the judges, which is kinda weird. And as my mom pointed out "how can he look at the audience if he has his eyes closed?" The audience is doing the lame hand waving shit, which is weird. Randy loved it, and so did Ellen. Why don't they just take turns, since they say the same thing. Kara loved it and totally geeks out on him. Simon can finally take him seriously, and cue Usher looking like a proud papa. And now has two bodyguards sitting next to him. Some fans musta gotten crazy during the break.

Didi- since I have been spelling her name wrong. Thanks for not attacking me about it. She is singing "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted," and totally broke down at the end, and Usher says to bring the emotion earlier, so the audience can feel it. She looks beautiful, and her dress is killer. Red carpet glam. The performance is pretty basic, until she does this desperate pleading at the end. Randy said he performance was flat, and he didn't get it. Ellen said it was way dramatic, and Kara agrees that it is overdone. She says she doesn't know who she is. Simon said it was like like swimming in jelly, and he is basically over her. He then makes reference to her dancing show that butchers songs. Hilar. Then there is this really awkward exchange where Ryan asks her to explain why she chose it, and she beats around the bush and he pokes more, and he realizes she won't explain- so he tells everyone that she was singing the song FOR someone and he will leave it at that. We'll see if people share anymore secrets with YOU Ryan.

Awkward stool time with Tim- they have this interesting conversation about Tim being called Teflon Tim. He is singing "Sweet Love, " and Usher tells him he doesn't believe him. He is supposed to then imagine Usher is his love interest, and that doesn't work so much either. Uh oh, Tim is on the stairs- so you know he is serious. This wide eyed thing is really creepy. Like he is watching me undress. Kinda stalkerish. But- chicks dig Edward Cullen, so this might work to his advantage. I have a feeling he might be this season's Sanjaya. Randy called him a singing waiter, but complimented him for singing in tune. Ellen calls out an apparent drinking game where people drink every time she called him adorable, and says it a few times for their benefit, because it won't happen again. She then echoes my sentiment that he is a creeper. Kara says he sucked the soul out of it, and Tim laughs. Simon tells him it was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, because he has no chance of winning. But he says that he can keep laughing, because it doesn't matter- because the girls will vote, and he will be here next week anyway.

Ryan has lost his mind. I think his 429 jobs are finally taking a toll.

Andrew is singing "Forever" by the girlfriend beater. And Usher told him he was acting like a nervous spaz and that he needed to do it again and connect. I am glad that he is doing this a little acoustic and different, because Chris Brown is dead to me, and hearing his voice fills me with rage. Wait, double your pleasure double your fun are the REAL lyrics? I thought he just did that for the gum commercial. Lame. Randy proclaims that "Andrew is back!" Ellen talks about him smiling. And the dentist. Kara says it is a giant leap in the right direction. Simon said it was miles better, but that he is boring. In order to take the show to another level of crazy, Ryan asks Andrew's mom what she thinks- and encourages her to say something in Spanish into his microphone. Ryan is high.

Katie Stephens talks about some time that she met Usher at Universal, and he got escorted away by security. She is singing "Chain of Fools," which is way old- and doesn't help her need to be younger. Usher tells her to connect with the audience. Her hair looks stupid. Like a pasty white girl trying to be street, and the hoop earrings are too much. And that outfit makes her look pregnant. I am only commenting on the outfit because we all know she can sing. But she is otherwise boring, proving again that this is not a singing competition. Randy says she has the pipes, but needs to connect. Ellen says she needs to be current. DUH. Kara says the vocals were great but she needs to make it more commercial. Simon thinks it is robotic and Star Search. Then everyone yells about how Simon is wrong and doesn't know anything, and he laughs all the way to the bank.

Awkward stool time with Lee Deweyze. I forgot he was still on this show. "Treat Her Like a Lady," is what he has chosen, and Usher thinks it is a special treat. Usher tells him to won it, just like the judges have been telling him for weeks now. He has totally removed the cheesy do-wop from the song and rocked it up. I dig. Randy yells, which means he liked it. Ellen too. Kara says i was amazing. Simon says he has always believed in him, and he has been a disappointment up until this point- but he needs to go home tonight and watch it, because it was the performance that may have changed his life forever.

Would it be possible to have two performances without a break? GLEE IN TWO WEEKS!!!!

Crystal is called out by Usher, who tells her to play the piano instead of playing the guitar. Usher loves her, and begins to speak very mellow, as if they shared some reefer before. "Midnight Train to Georgia" is her somg for tonight, and it suits her voice nicely. She is obviously safe, so that is all you will get from me. Oh Shit- she stood up from the piano, and is connecting with the audience. Randy name drops, saying that Gladys would love it. Ellen says she is in it to win it. Kara is a proud mama. Simon says the choice was sensational, and her vocals were incredible. But he does say that the back up vocalists needed to not be there, and it makes it someone she isn't. Since she knows who she is, he tells her not to get sucked into the machine.

Is it just me, or has this been the longest episode ever? I really like these tampon commercials that make fun of how lame tampon commercials are. Who wears white pants on their period? Not just because of the obvious reason.... but because you feel like a fat whale, and white pants aren't exactly slimming.

Aaron is singing "Ain't Know Sunshine" and Usher tells him the "I Know, I Know" part needs to be more personal. Usher says he could do well if he plays his cards right. Well, since he is the last performance, I have to assume he did alright. His jacket has a really big hood, as if he is prepared for a rainstorm. Meh. Exactly what I thought it would be. Randy said something I didn't hear because my mom was talking. She seems to forget that I need to hear this. :/ The other two are meh. Simon said that he has heard it sung much better, including on this show- but he is safe.

Siobhan's performance is even worse in the recap. I can't remember how to say her name, because in my head, I call her Sybian. Thank you Howard Stern.

I hope someone is driving Ryan home. That dude is on something, and I want to make sure he gets a glass of water, a sandwich, and gets put to bed.

Idol Recap- Who's on Tour?

Tonight, the most important Idol vote off.... until next week. Big deal, we get to the Top Ten. Dramatic intro, comic book style... and then there is a chick in the audience with blood all over her face. Wait... what? Camera to Ryan... crowd shot with the bloody faced girl, as if to say, "yes, you REALLY DID just see that." I wonder if she is dramatically protesting the heath care reform.

As if these group sings couldn't be worse--- let's destroy a Wham song. I will let you know, no disparaging remarks about Wham, or one of my all time favorite artists, George Michael, will be tolerated. No joke. Serious as a heart attack.

Ugggggh, totally forgot about these ridiculous Ford commercials. Remember when the Plain White T's were relevant? I do... it was right before I met my boyf... 2 AND A HALF YEARS AGO. Get relevant.

Ryan has all the contestants sitting in two rows, reminding them of how CRUCIAL tonight is.

Apparently Siobhan's friend is growing a beard that will not be shaved until she is kicked off... which might be soon, because the chick covered in blood is her friend... and is a "Sizombie, " or something equally ridiculous. Yes, a crazy army of fans that cover themselves in blood are exactly who America relates to.

Did you know that Big Mike is a dad? Because there is another video package about it.

Siobhan is the first to be stood up, and she awkwardly rambles for what seems like half a hour, only to hear that she is safe. Cue screaming blood covered chicks. Seriously, this girl needs some PR help. Weirdos. Come to think of it, there are those idiot girls that want to be vampires so they can find their own abusive true love that sparkles, so it might not be a bad idea. Sizombies!

Lee and Casey stand together. We hear their critiques... and they are forced to stay standing, while we hear about how Tim and Paige sucked balls. Tim AGAIN talks about how much FUN he had. Paige looks like she is going to vomit, and admits she sucked. Ryan asks Randy to talk about who is in the bottom three, and he grows a pair and says Paige. And he is right.... and Tim is there with her. They walk across the stage in shame, and Lee and Casey are still standing there until commercial, because they haven't been directed to do anything else. But up next, IT'S MILEY!

Miley, because she is a true artist, is at the piano. Last night she stressed "connecting with the audience through eye contact, " but because she is Miley fucking Cyrus, she is singing with her eyes closed, because NO ONE tells her what to do... not even herself. She gets up from the piano only to throw herself into really forced convulsions and headbanging when she hits the powerful chorus. Odd. Billy Ray is in the audience, and it is clear that he is confused by the performance as well.

Top row is safe, so Casey and Lee got to sit. The 16 YO stands up and is already about to cry- but he is safe, and Ryan puts him out of his misery quite quickly. Dee Dee is up, and talks and I want to punch her. They babble and I checked my twitter. She's safe. Big Mike stands up, and the stage shakes. Kidding. He's safe, in case you were losing sleep over it. Dirty Hippie: safe. And the sky is blue. Either Andrew or Katie are in the bottom three, and no one is surprised. By some magical Emo voting block, Andrew is safe- and Katie is in the bottom three. They line them up only to send Katie right back. Such drama and excitement.

OMG, a Jonas and Demi Lovato!!! OMG, they're like TOTALLY DATING, which is so great, because they've been BFF's for like, ever! Wow, Demi is really dramatic with the hand movements. Is this the song they recorded for that save the whales thing on the Disney channel? Yeah- I'm 27 and I watch the Disney channel. Phineas and Ferb is a funny show. I'm comfortable with that. Hey, where's Perry?

8:54.... aaaaaaannnnd we're back. Did you know whoever is safe goes on tour? Red lights for effect. Paige is out, and a forced "ohhhhhhh" comes from the audience. Ryan asks for words of encouragement from Simon, and he tells her that he doesn't want to toy with her, because she IS going home, no doubt. The "safe" pass won't be used on her. Simon tells her to go back to her roots when they met her and how she used to not suck. Ryan pours salt in the wounds, and asks what she is going to tell her students, since she failed. AND she has to watch her video package- and Ryan closes everything out, thanking Miley and Demi and the hipster Jonas, and thank the crew and the band and the audience--- because they really only want to hear about 7 seconds of her shit-tastic performance. Wait, wtf, she's allowed to sing any song she wants? When did this start? Did they do this last week? Because I was drunk. It was St Pattys. :)

Anyone know what "PTz on the Deckish" means? Boyf got a random text message from someone he doesn't know- in that weird text/twitter language with no punctuation, and that was the sign off. EDIT: apparently it was a guy randomly text messaging to promote his myspace music. check it out here: http://www.myspace.com/hatturntback

Off to Chicago tomorrow, see you bitches next week!

Idol Recap- Ocean's 11

I was able to go to dinner tonight with some friends I haven't seen in AGES. So, for the first time (I think) I am blogging with DVR. Not mine. I am still too stubborn; blogging at my parents house. We start with the camera scanning the top 11, and Ryan's head is projected on the screen behind them. It's like he wants to be the Great and Powerful Oz, and then the camera pans to him, and we see he is a munchkin. Had to, sorry.

This week, Randy and Simon won the rights to wear cardigan sweaters, so Ellen gets a blazer and scarf. Kinda like she came from filming her show, and put the scarf on for her nighttime look.

This week is a big deal, because whoever gets sent home gets the bonus of not doing cheesy group songs and lame choreography during the tour, but the sadness of not getting the paycheck, thus ENDING THEIR CAREER. They try so hard to pretend like the Top Ten are a really big deal, when we all know that if anything, the top 4-5 might be remembered enough to end up on Celebrity Rehab. The rest of those get laid for a year and then fade into oblivion.

Tonight we get the honor of having Miley Cyrus as the "mentor." She openly admits that she has no idea what she is doing, and is basically here for the paycheck. Hopefully she can buy some pants, because she is nearly naked. Boy shorts are for the beach, put some clothes on. She says that if she doesn't have anything to say that's bad, she will say it's pitchy... because it is vague. No camera shot to show Randy glaring at her.

Lee Dewyze- He sings a song that I swear has been sung like, twelve times, "Letter." But he gets backed up by the remaining members of the Blues Brothers Band. The whole thing seemed kind of early 80's to me, but the judges seemed to like it. Randy loved it. Ellen talks about how when you have your favorite pen, and it always writes well, that you do anything to get it better when it starts to stall, like heating it or shaking it. I have a favorite pen. I used to get pens allllll the time from work. So, when I was packing my boxes, I made sure to take my favorite pen with me. It was a promotional product from a client, and thus not company property, so it's not stealing. Anyway, Lee is her favorite pen, and he is writing well again. The other judges said things, and I was distracted. He's the first guy out, so it is strong enough to open the show, and is safe for next week.

Awkward Stool Time with Paige: She is most nervous about these high heels she is wearing. After watching her video package with Miley, she had a lot more to worry about. Miley tells her she was pitchy, and Paige says " I totally knew that, you are so great Miley." Miley should have told her to change the song, because she was ruining it. Who chooses Phil Collins? So dated. He is played in restaurants that need background filler. She comes out sitting on stairs that move forward on the stage, and she is sucking it up!! Like, breathy, shaky, pitchy, and as Randy says "terrible." Ellen says she likes her shoes. Kara said that she tackled the Mariah Carey version, which I didn't know existed, and she failed. Probably the worst vocal of the season. Simon tortures her by asking her what she thought of it, and she babbles and he tells her she sucks. Buh bye, Paige.

Tim Urban is singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," Miley suggests to add riffs and switch it up. She hugs him because she doesn't think he is boring. He plans on moving around the stage and having fun with it. Wow, what a dramatic removal of the microphone, Tim- YOU'RE SO HARD CORE! He slides across the stage, and hops down the stairs into the crowd. He has learned early that he has to play to the voting demo, and be dreamy and flirty. His dad needs some fashion help. Randy mentions that it is a "singing competition." Which, ummm, it isn't. He called it bad karaoke. Ellen calls it corny, as if she has never seen the group sing. She calls him Zac Effron, and tells him he acts like he already made it. Simon called it "completely and utterly pointless and silly." Little girls across the country are getting their dialing fingers ready, because they're scurrrd.

Awkward Stool Time with Aaron Kelly- He is having trouble with his voice, also known as puberty. Or "tonsillitis." Apparently he has a crush on Miley. He sang "The Climb" at his audition, and he wondered if she had seen it. She plays along, and says he was great. He is singing "Don't Want to Miss a Thing," which you should have known, because it is Aerosmith's only number one. And goes against everything they ever did, because it is totally lame and lacking in balls. This is the high school talent show, and this kid is loving every moment. Randy says "thank God you came on and started singing!!" because the last two didn't. Ellen babbles. Kara says "best song choice of the night." Simon, please come take me away from crazytown, because I was bored. Simon said it was brave, but he is making himself old fashioned for his age, but there is zero chance he is going home.

The Dirty Hippie is up, and of course singing Janis Joplin. Miley says to sing it higher, because her voice is great up there. And then Crystal asks her to sign the guitar that powerful talented women have signed. Her performance was exactly what I expected. RANDY YELLS THAT SHE IS DOPE. Ellen heard this on the radio the other day and thought to herself "oh, she should sing that." Really? DUH. This is when I remember that Americans are stupid. Kara wants her to drop the guitar next week, which she was secretly planning anyway. Simon says she's great, and mentions that she is standing on a carpet. Ryan and the hippie then sit on the carpet and pass the doobie to each other and talk about war. Well, that last part only happened in my mind.

Big Mike meets Miley and picks her up, squeezing the life out of her. He is singing "When a Man Loves a Woman," and Miley is in love. Or light headed. The two things are very close. He is hoping this week that this song "speaks to the lovers out there." Uh, Cheesy Wedding DJ from 1987 called, he wants his line back. String quartet and a piano, so he is fucking SERIOUS. And he delivers a solid performance that the ladies love. Goes all falsetto in the end, and gives a kissy face. Randy doesn't know if it was the best song choice, but he "sang the i don't know what" out of it. Ellen said it was safe, like driving the speed limit, but he got there in the end. Kara said it was technically great, but boring, loungy and overindulgent. Simon Blah Blah Blahs.

Andrew Garcia is up, and many people think he should have been gone last week. He proves it by forgetting the lyrics. So Miley tells him to lose the guitar. At some point, someone told Miley to show that she had shorts on, so now we can see her denim. Andrew has totally lost his coolness, and is giving a karaoke "Heard It Through the Grapevine," complete with chest pumping and pointing to fake tears. Ladies and gents, this is what we call a sell out. Randy says it wasn't good. About 9 times. Ellen hopes his fans vote for him, because his ass needs to be saved. Kara tells him AGAIN that he has to go back to the moment where he did "Straight Up." Simon says, maybe they overrated that performance that they mention EVRY FUCKING WEEK. He also said that he sucked the soul out of the song, and ruined it. :) Andrew says that his goal was to "just have fun." Thanks, glad you could have fun, while we suffer through cheese and pitch. Bad answer.

We now have little Katie Stevens meeting Miley, and both are 17. Katie is singing Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry." Miley tells her to edge it up, and it was a good choice. Really? This girl has no idea what to do with the voice she has. BTW, I get a 100% on this song in the American Idol video game, and it is 3 music notes, which is the hardest. Maybe Katie played it too, and got the same score. I however, realized that a 100% in the game doesn't mean I should sing it in real life.
Randy was excited that she listened, and went younger- even though it was pitchy and flat and all over the place. Ellen loved it, and she is dumb. Kara says that pop with R&B leanings are where she belongs, but she still has pitch issues. Simon thinks she would get a more loyal following with country... and she should listen, like Carrie Underwood did.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey- this is really awkward, because he is too big for that stool. He meets Miley, and says that he loves her dad. She tells him to look into the audience more... because it is a moment. He says "funny, I was totally gonna do that." He is doing "The Power of Love." He is kinda playing the guitar with it.... a little.... Now the Blues Brothers Band is in the rafters, playing and swaying. This is so weird and I don't know why he chose it. They use the worst graphics for him on those big screens. Randy wasn't a fan of the song choice, but thought he did it well. Ellen says "ditto." Well, she didn't SAY it, but she should have, instead of repeating the whole sentence. Kara loved it. Simon says it was like listening to an 80's cover band, and gets boo'd. He says maybe he is the only one- but I want him to know he isn't. And this is coming from a chick that LOVES Huey Lewis. Not ashamed.

Dee Dee "You're No Good" Miley loves her vibratto. This girl, I love her performance, but she is straight up nerdy and annoying when she talks. Ugh. The camera man is focusing on the guys playing instruments on the corners of the stage... She sashes down the stairs, and it seems kinda put on, but I really dig the voice, so I overlook that, and her weird swaying and finger snapping. She reminds me of Taylor Swift, but with the ability to perform live. Randy says pitchy. Ellen didn't get the song choice. Kara says it was like she was playing a character, which is totally accurate. Simon gets boo'd when he says it was ironic when she was singing "you're no good." She pipes up and said she wants to show another side, and have some fun. Bloody hell people, this isn't about you having fun.

Siobahn meets Miley, and I am surprised that she didn't try to take a lock of her hair. Miley said her voice had swagger... but she'll kick her to the curb unless she looks like Mick Jagger. Made up that last part. Siobahn is singing "Superstitious," and comes out with a faux hawk. Her stage persona is so weird and awkward. She makes me really uncomfortable. She takes really big steps too. AND OF COURSE makes the big yelly notes. Is it time that we tell her, like we told Adam Lambert, that just because we like it, it doesn't mean we need it in every song? Randy thinks it's great, man. Man, man, man. Ellen quotes Oliver, you know, the orphan from the book, and says "more." Kara loves the end note... so I guess it isn't time... WAIT Simon brings it up, and says it wasn't done as well as normal, and she needs to push herself more. She has side burns. She might be a leprechaun. Yeah... pointy ears. Got it.

As it stands, with this group, I wouldn't buy a ticket to the tour. But, I've never been interested in buying a ticket, so no real change. Paige is on the chopping block, Tim is near the bottom- but will be saved by the tweens, Andrew is in deep water.

OMG!! Tomorrow Miley and Demi Lovato are BOTH going to be there. DRAMA!!! Why do I know this?

Idol Recap- Dirty Dozen

Tonight, I am watching Idol over at my parents, as my littlest sister is in town for Spring Break, and well, I am on what one might call a Spring Break as well. I asked my dad if he wanted to watch Idol with us, and his response was "I would rather be eviscerated by an armadillo." You could say I get my flair for the dramatic from him.

Welcome to the big event.... tonight is the REAL beginning, with performances from all of our top twelve. Do you think Ellen and Randy have to fight over who gets to wear the sweater vest? This week they compromised: Randy got the buttoned up cardigan and Ellen got an open vest.

Tonight is Rolling Stones night. I found out a few weeks ago that apparently Angelina Jolie hooked up with Mick Jagger about ten years ago. Weird. I wonder how they got anything accomplished, with both of their huge lips battling.

Michael Lynch- Wife is in his video package. She looks good, especially since she just popped out a kid. Which they show, of course. You can't vote off a newborn, America. There are some weird dance moves going on... and I don't know what to think about it. He really is"making it his own," because I can only recognize this song during he chorus. "His own" has an early 90's vibe to it. Meh. Randy says he "slayed it." Ugh, now the crowd feels they need to yell all the time. Unnecessary. Kara is talking about the Stones like they died in a plane crash. Last time I checked, they still rock it. Simon says it was corny, especially the dancing. :) Then Simon and Ryan start their fake banter, and I tune out.

Awkward stool time with Didi: apparently her mom can't watch, because she gets nervous AND can't listen to the judging. I like Didi until she starts talking. OH, she's the middle sister. Now I know. There was a photo of her in a rose dress with big shoulder pads. I may have had the same dress. She is singing "Playing with Fire." The crowd is doing the "wave your hands in the air..." but I am doubtful that they are doing it "cuz [theys] a true playaaa." If you don't get the reference, GTFO. I hate when the audience does lame crap like that. It totally devalues the performance, much like Randy's YO. He thinks that she was "on fire." Thanks for the pun, sweater boy. I don't know what Ellen said, because I was too busy adding a joke. Kara says it was well done. Simon says it was a "solid, not brilliant performance." I like her big curls. I am going to try to do it that way tomorrow, for my St Pats day of drunkness.

Casey James: His mom is in a shirt with his picture, and it's weird. I think we might be getting jealous brother from his bro. Kinda like the blind kid's bro last season. Doing anything he can to get a little extra camera time. "It's All Over Now," a little country style... Casey is working the hair product this week, and has some more defined curls. The lighting guys on this show need to chill the eff out. We don;t need crazy green flashing block lights on the stage. it is so cheeeeeesy. Randy LOVED IT! You can tell he yelled, because I have it in CAPS. Ellen makes a joke about how she's a lesbian. Ha. Over the heads of the little ones, don't worry Bible Belt. Kara says he was a rock star, and has to prove that she knows that this is an early Stones song that THEY didn't write. She is really smart, remember. Simon says he looked great and sang well, but didn't use the stage to do something incredible. Casey is reallllly tall. Ryan looks like a leprechaun. Not the scary kind, the kind that has a bucket of gold.

--- commercial for the Last Song. I have this problem where if there is a book for a movie, I HAVE to read it before I see it. I am tempted to read this book... not sure if I should. I am batting .700 with Nicholas Sparks. LOVED the Notebook, obvi. HATED Nights of Rodanthe so much that I didn't bother with the movie. Read Dear John, liked it ok, but when the boyf downloaded it to watch on Valentine's weekend it was a "bad copy" and we couldn't watch it. Heard it wasn't good if you read the book. I will probably wait for dvd to read it, I have more pressing books on my list.--------

Lacey Brown- I am still amazed that this chick is in the top 12, because I don't even remember her auditioning. "Ruby Tuesday," with a string quartet. This chick needs some more upbeat songs. Sister: "She sounds like Macy Gray." I nod. "I don't like Macy Gray." Her outfit is a mess. One shoulder striped shirt, beige fringed bustier, high waisted belted skirt and sparkly leggings. Randy calls it "very interesting." Ellen noticed that she likes to sit on the edge of things, and called it sleepy. Kara said she has to "agree with the guys." I think Ellen has a vagina, actually. Thanks for coming out. Simon says she performs like an actress, and she needs to stop over thinking it. She sucks, I hopes she's gone.

Andrew Garcia- His dad thought he was going to be custodian, because he collected keys. I used to dance in my underwear and leg warmers, I'm glad my parents didn't think I was going to be a stripper. His mom is apparently mute. "Gimmie Shelter," in which I remember the back up singer more than Mick. Like, to the point where I kinda forgot the Stones did it. I think it was in Forrest Gump. Who told the audience to clap? This is not a clapping song. This dude is the edgiest dude in the competition, and it just seemed lame. Randy said it was pitchy, Ellen loved it. Kara talks to him about how it is a song about war, and she didn't feel the edge. Simon asks if he should have brought a tank on stage. Points for Simon.

Awkward stool time with Katie : Ryan talks about how they tell her to be young, and then comes Rolling Stones week.... SO WHAT DOES SHE DO?!?! WHAT DOES SHE DO!!?? (that was to be read like Dennis Hopper in Speed) Sing Wild Horses, of course. Not Satisfaction like BRITNEY SPEARS DID. Idiot. I bet she is really excited that her mom put a picture of her in a straw hat with a sunflower in the montage. Since I am falling asleep with her performance, I am going to back track. Her video package had a clip from her singing at a wedding. Sister: "I would never let an 8 YO sing at my wedding, I don't care how talented she is. " True. The audience with the waving the hands in the air again! Her dress is youthful, sister says ugly. Randy says it was a strong performance, but I don't think he believes it. Kara says that she made some good choices with the melody. Simon says it's the only week she has picked a good song. These judges really don't seem to believe what they are saying. Is it just me?

Tim Urban- Wanted to be an athlete growing up, but then his brother beat him up and called him a pussy and he decided to start singing. That's what really happened, but he told it differently. "Under My Thumb," Bob Marley style. Yuck. In case you guys didn't know this was the "Rasta" angle, the orange, green and yellow lights are there to help. Spark the Ganga and wave your hands. This is awful, and I bet Keith Richards has pissed his pants laughing. Either that, or he just turned to his naked chick and said "how HIGH AM I?" Randy didn't get it. Ellen said it felt like she was at a resort drinking a pina coloda, getting caught in the rain. ;) Kara references the "guys" again. I hope Ellen pulls down her pants during the commercial break. Simon said it didn't work, and Stones fans would be turning the station at that point. Because SO MANY watch this show regularly.

Shioban Magnus - Apparently there are 32 children in her hippie commune home. Another mute mom. Of COURSE she is singing "Paint it Black." The weird one would chose my favorite Stones song. She looks like she is dressed for the homecoming dance... and has combat boots. Because she is a rebel. I don't really know how I feel about it. It is was easier when I am not looking at her "passing a kidney stone" face. And she yells a big note. Remember how you guys liked that a few weeks ago? Well she's doing it again for ya! Randy says IT WAS HOT! Ellen can't even talk, and says she rises above like Snooki's poof. Kara says she is having Adam Lambert flashbacks. And loves it. Simon agrees that it is the standout performance of the night. Hey Siobhan. There is someone else that is idols04... you are idols08. so putting up 4 fingers twice is confusing. Put up 8 fingers, once. Don't confuse the fans.

Awkward stool time with Lee Dewyze- In case you haven't caught on, he is this season's "regular guy." He works at a paint store! He's just like you, America! HE HAS A PICTURE IN A TMNT SHIRT!!! He should wear that to perform in. "Beast of Burden," but you wouldn''t know, because he mumbles like the guy in Pearl Jam. Both my father and boyf are gonna be pissed that I didn't reference him by name, but they don't read the blog, so they can STFU. ;) If we are talking literally, this is an excellent song choice. Randy thought it was dope. Ellen said it was great, but she expected more, and it was like a hospital gown, and almost there.I am kinda over her lame analogies. Kara said something about growth. Simon says his personality is boring. I like the way he says "frust straight ting." Simon basically tells him to sack up and own the moment next week. How am i JUST noticing that he is in a gray fitted leather jacket?

Paige - This chick is so boring. They talk about a part she had in a Christmas play at church, and then show this weird goth show. What kind of church is that?!?! She is singing "Honkey Tonk Woman." I hate is when girls sing songs that are obviously written for guys to sing, and change the genders and think it still makes sense. And she is the furthest thing from a Honkey Tonk woman I have seen on this stage. Her hair looks nice. Randy thought it was going to be a mess, but it was alright. Ellen points out that she was struggling with her voice... so now there is the sympathy vote. Kara said "young Paige is back." Simon said "what the hell is wrong?" and she says laryngitis. So, with that in mind, it was great. Meh.

Aaron Kelly - I heard his name and said "who?!" Then remembered that it was this lame young kid. His mom cries. "Angie." Hahaha. That is all I can say. Might be better when he goes through puberty. It's kinda Peter Brady... there is also a weird Richard Marx quality to his voice... it's unsettling. ENOUGH WITH THE HANDS, AUDIENCE! Randy really likes the tender moments. Someone call CPS. Ellen points out that his hair is totally lesbian. Kara said it was powerful. Really? Simon said he chose the right song, and sang it within his limits.

Crystal Bowersox- Surprise! Her dad is a hippie! Apparently she also wrote a song about him, and it made him cry. "You Can't Always Get What You Want." I think she is trying to grow out her dreadlocks. Kinda more bluegrassy, and it's alright. Totally what I thought it would be, which isn't a bad thing. YO. Randy says it wasn't his favorite, but he still loves her. Ellen wants her to let her personality go... and Kara agrees. Simon asks her what she meant by over thinking... and Simon says he could feel that. And that tonight she was beaten by Siobhan. She is wearing a feather thing in her hair for Lilly. Who was voted off last week. She isn't dead or anything.

Andrew, Katie, Tim, Lee and Paige are gone within the next few weeks.

I may or may not drunk blog tomorrow... I guess you will have to wait and see.

Idol Recap- Cutting to the Top 12

I am moderately excited to find out who the top 12 are tonight. Basically, because I don't have a lot going on right now.

These group sings are so painful. They go against everything the judges ask for, and are totally karaoke. But, America, you bastards buy concert tickets to see these songs performed live. So you are only encouraging this. You should be ashamed.

There are some TERRIBLE outfits going on right now. The choreography is so 5th grade talent show. I can't believe someone gets paid for this. The dancing was better when they had that blind guy that they had to assign someone to so he didn't fall off the stage. Is her performing tonight, btw? I thought I may have heard that. But, to be honest, I forget most of their names this far after their original season.

So- the rest of the show I watched whilst gossiping on the phone. Lots of crying- not from me- from the losers that got booted off, and the ones that were left behind. It'll be ok, it's just reality tv. Was the witch dating mullet boy? It seemed realllllly weird that she was crying so hard.

The curly haired blonde chick and Gandolf the Grey got booted. I am a little surprised by Gandolf, to be honest- but oh well.

Mullet guy and Todrick the jerk got booted. I would not be able to watch if that twizzlestick was still around. And mullet kid---- that is what did you in. Your performance was way better that the 16YO, but your hair is stupid. America cares about that, and mullets are only used for joking, and creepy Minnesota Vikings. Was the witch dating mullet boy? It seemed realllllly weird that she was crying so hard.

I totally missed the performance from past Idol contestants... was it any good?

Smell ya later.

Idol Recap- Guys Do It All The Time

Sorry I didn't blog last night, I was taking a breather after learning I was no longer employed. No need for a pity party- things will be fine. :) Fortunately, I have plenty of wonderful friends and family that are offering help and support.

My thoughts on last night--- meh. I enjoyed the shorter show, but it really seemed to be lacking in excitement. We may have the most boring top 12 in history this year. Instead of the cream of the crop, I feel like we might be getting the shiniest turds. It reminds me of the Year of Sanjaya. Looking at tonight, with the less dynamic batch of dudes, I am less than excited. Just glad that self righteous asshole got eliminated last week. :)

Haven't we had enough of this "ladies cuddling up to Simon" bit.

Lee Dewyze, "10,000 Fireflies"- the "Everyman" is making this song his own, alright. And it is no bueno. Randy said it was pitchy, but he made it work. Ellen likes that it is rock. Kara said that he made it a better song, blah blah blah. Simon says there is nothing to rave about. Thank goodness one of the judges is on it.

Alex Lambert- "Trouble"- I swear someone told him to sing this... and it is a good idea. It looks like he has gained some confidence- now he has to ditch the mullet... I am watching this with my tough Marine sister, who is concerned with his mullet as well. Randy didn't like it, because he is negative nancy this year, and I don't remember what the rest said. Ellen mentioned the banana again.

Tim Urban- "Hallelujah"- Sister says "he better not ruin this song." It is ok. I have never really liked this song personally, but I didn't feel one way or another about it. Randy hated it. Ellen had to get up and hug him. And it was really weird. Kara loved it, because she was really feeling it. Simon loved it. Tim talks about how he is grateful for all the judge's constructive criticism.

Andrew Garcia- "Genie in a Bottle"- Ha, love this. Sister is laughing. Said "Jack Osbourne called, he wants his look back. " Good call sister. I like this dude's voice. Randy said it didn't quite work for him, it was pitchy, had no range, blah blah blah. Ellen liked it, but thinks the "genie came out of the bottle a little too late." Kara talked about him peaking too early. Wonder if that is a regular problem. (wink wink) Simon thought it was "desperate," and "over-thought." Which it was. Because the judges have basically been talking about how he should be going back to what they loved.

Casey James- " You'll Think of Me" - I dig this dude's voice. I am sure the judges are going to say they didn't feel enough emotion. Randy said it was safe. Ellen loved it. Kara says it is better than last week, but it is missing that spark. Simon is meh. Said it was sincere but no something they will be remembering.

Aaron Kelly- "I'm Already There"- Of course. Ugh. Terrible. very shaky. And can we have a moment about believability? What life experience does this 16 YO have regarding being away from his kid? And it is rough. And Pitchy. Yes, with a capital P. Randy is an idiot. Ellen said it was a little too much song for him. Excellent. Kara brings up the fact that it is not relevant to his life. Simon says that is rubbish. Wow. Simon says it is the right type of song, but not a great vocal. And points out that they can't keep putting people down different paths, because they are all getting confused.

Todrick Hall- "Somebody to Love"- Of COURSE he is singing/ruining a Queen song. This guy makes me mental. OF COURSE Randy likes it. Ugh, todirck's mom is waring a shirt with his name on it. Lame. Ellen thought it was kinda gospel, in a good way. Kara said it was good singing, but it was SO DRAMATIC. Simon said it was good in parts, and tonight he has learned that it is helping him to learn about him as an artist.

Michael Lynche- "This Woman's Work"- To be honest, I missed most of the performance, but it sounded good. Randy is shitting his pants. Ellen is geeking out, and calls him the one to beat. Kara cried, and it was so PUT ON. And my sister is dying of laughter. Simon hugs Kara, and says it was so needed tonight, because he 100% nailed it. Best performance of all the live shows.

Smell ya later.

Idol Recap- Where My Girls At

Tonight, we get the ladies, because the Dirty Hippie Crystal is apparently back from the brink of death. Then the judges are stupid, and Kara has dumb hair.

The Dirty Hippie is up first, and she has a brother that is a "square." She references Simons comment last week about how he could hear that performance from 1,000s of people on a Subway platform, and he wouldn't stop, saying that people have in fact stopped to listen to her on a subway. Apparently we are doing a gospel show tonight. Some "see the light" performance. She has a nice voice- but that shit doesn't sell. Remember Ruben Studdard? Ellen talks about how she needs to stay healthy, because they NEED her on the show. Are we going to talk about what was wrong? because, seriously, she looks and sounds fine. Simon says he is glad that she didn't play the sympathy card (bc everyone else did for her), and says that he totally underestimated her. Then compares her with Kelly Clarkson. Cmon now.

Haeley Vaughn-"The Climb"Gums is now talking with Ryan about her EPIC fail last week with the Beatles song. This week, she will sing Miley Cyrus, because she is more her genre. Apparently she makes headbands. For the record, I actually like Miley Cyrus. Party in the USA is my JAM! This song, I hate. And this girl starts it nicely in the beginning... but then the chorus is a mess. Then the reprise... then... oh bollocks. A mess. YO Wow- Randy calls it excruciating. This is the only time that we will agree. Who is the hot dude sitting with her Grandma. He is labeled "friend." She is too young to have that hot of an older friend. Kara says that she needs to develop her talent more. Simon says in theory, it works but it was a "mess." The Leprechaun gets sassy with Simon, and protective of the little girl.

Lacey Brown-"Kiss Me"The red headed pixie that I swear just appeared out of nowhere apparently likes to paint. She BUTCHERED Landslide last week, and finally owns up to it. She is doing "Kiss Me" this week, pretending that she already had it planned, and it had nothing to do with Kara's suggestion. I am not sure i totally like her, and I think it might be because I am afraid she is a witch. There was one of them last season like that. Randy calls it karaoke. Ellen thinks it is adorable. And then I tuned out because I didn't care anymore. Sorry (to be said in Simon's unapologetic tone).

Katie Stevens-"Put Your Records On" Her being on TV makes it snow in Connecticut. She is supposed to be younger today, because we like our 17 year olds to be 17 YOs. She knows how to say "give me a kiss" in 7 languages. While we are thinking she is a skeezer, she assures us that she doesn't walk up to strangers and try to kiss them. This all seems very contrived. For the "record," (pun intended) this is not a "younger"song. She still has an incredible voice. The judges are frustrated with her because she isn't getting it and she has too much talent to be average. Kara makes a valid point that some songs sound great on to the radio, but lack performance spark. Simon tells her that she needs to show them what kind of performer she needs to be.

Didi Benami - "Lean On Me" She was the mascot in high school, and meows to warm up for performances. When she talks, she reminds me of Tenley from the Bachelor. I actually like her LESS with these video packages. I really like this version. People have really cheesed this out, and somehow hers is a little more genuine. Randy hates it. We disagree. Ellen loves her. She says that maybe a different Bill Withers would be good. Randy yes groans. Kara said it "wasn't good." Time the eff out. YOU PEOPLE SELECTED THESE TOP 24. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB. Maybe I have just listened to so much crap on this show, that I think this is good? How can I be this far off from the judges? As you see, I don't hold back when I hate something. She is so upset that she can't even talk. This is crap. EDIT- the clip they showed in the recap was annoying.

Michelle Delamor- "With Arms Wide Arm" She works with kids in church choir. Which is probably why she is singing this Creed song. Ew. I still hate this song, even without that douche Scott Stapp singing it. Because I HATE this.. especially her WEIRD head shaking at the end, I am sure the judges will love it. Because apparently we exist in different universes tonight. YO. He says her outfit is hot. But he hated it. Ellen loves the outfit too. When I think fashion- I think those two. Hip, happening and with it, for sure. Balls. Kara loves it because "it felt believable." Simon says he kind of agrees. The first half, yes- second half, gross. He said she got 80% of it right. Apparently Vera Wang is in the house. When is this over?

Lilly Scott- Gandolf the Grey performed, but I was on the phone. I am babysitting for my 3 and 6 year old cousins this weekend while their parents party it up Vegas style, so I got to get a little pep talk. I will blog about it, don't worry. I am sure it will be fun for you all to laugh at me being a mom for the weekend. They are really good kids, so I don't worry about them, I just worry that I will be able to keep up! Seemed like the judges liked her.

Katelyn Epperly -"The Scientist" She will be singing a very intimate song tonight, apparently. Why is she so 80's? She is singing some Coldplay. I don't really dig Coldplay. Send me hate mail if you want, but while your at it- yell at me for thinking U2 is overrated. Yes. I went there. Oh, this is a Coldplay song I actually kinda like. Minus a few rough spots, I like her version too. Props for her playing the piano. We had another curly haired blonde that played piano. I liked her better than this chick. Randy really liked it, until the last few notes. Ellen said she fell asleep. She loves the song, but it is too slow. "People can't vote if they're asleep." Kara says "I kind of love you." But she needs to figure out who she is because she is all over the place. Simon says it is a smart choice of song, and nearly identical to a Natasha Beddingfield version (that she says she is unaware of). She needs to worry about being too corny.

It is 833, and we have 2 more performers? How LONG is this show? Cut all the fluffy crap- keep it to an hour and a half, and let me live my life. Those of us that are too stubborn to DVR (long story, I'll tell you when you're older) can't make this big of a commitment.

Paige Miles -"Walk Away" This chick is boring. She likes to color, because it makes her relax. Yeah, me too. But when someone asks "what something interesting that people that people don't know about you?" that is not where I go. Because that is lame and nerdy. She is singing one of my least favorite songs from that Kelly Clarkson album. And she sounds like she is chocking a cat at the end. So forced and stupid. Yo YO YO Paige. She chose the song because Kara wrote it. Randy didn't like it because it is too many words. And he rambles about lameness that makes no sense... and da da da da das. Ellen loved it. Kara points out that the song isn't smiley- it is angry. Because she is telling the guy to go fuck himself. This girl is clueless. She colors and plays with barbie dolls. There is no base for comparison. "It's forgettable. Sorry."

Siobhan Magnus- "Freedom"Another girl that I really just can't stand. And I wasn't really watching the first part, because I was reading about what the author of Shutter Island thought about the minor change in the ending. Which, if you have read the book is a lot more hypothetical than a "declarative statement." Apparently watching the film without seeing the book made it much more subjective.... but I digress. Wow. I thought about paying attention again, and then this bitch came up and starting singing Freedom, so now I am purposely ignoring the television. Back to Shutter Island. I liked the book a lot. And the movie did a really good job with the storyline, but was missing a little background that made it less cheesy of a progression to the ending. Back to the weirdo- Randy loved it. And Simon says what everyone in America is thinking "you are such a weird person." She is pretty safe, considering the crapfest that ensued tonight.

It is a free for all on all which of these ass clowns go home. I'm too jaded to give an opinion. What do you think?

Idol Recap- The Boys are Back

I missed the first 4 minutes, and let's be honest- I'm sure I didn't miss much. Started just in time for the guts of the program. Tonight, the boys are back, and singing "billboard hits." Seems simple enough, right? Only 9 million songs to chose from. When they make the categories this broad, they are really just testing the intelligence of the contestant. Pick something too recent, and it's sing-a-long. Pick something too old, and it's dated, or karaoke. Let's see who messes up tonight.

Ryan informs us that tonight, we will try to get to know the contestants a little better. Great. Sappy montages. This is why frequently, we don't end up with the most talented artist, but the one with a great story. For the record, I don't care about the stories, so I won't get into them.

Michael Lynch- "Man's World." Surprise! He played football in High School. He addresses the comments from the judges, and specifically Simon's comment that he was the supporting act. He, of course, says he wants to be the MAIN EVENT in tonight's performance. Good goal, buddy. His performance is ok. Lots of "runs" and what have you. Randy, after three "yo's" gives him a standing o. New thing- tonight, I am drinking for every "yo." I apologize in advance for any incoherent rambling(well, more than usual) at the end of this post because of it. Ellen blah blah blah. Kara says she doesn't get it, until NOW. Really? Then why did you geek out for him and send him to the top 24? Simon loves it, and says it didn't seem dated. Apparently his wife is coming out Friday, if he is still in the competition... hint, hint, America.

John Park- "Gravity" Ryan asks him what his band thinks about this whole Idol thing. Apparently they want him to win. Uh, Ryan... ever heard of this band called "Daughtry?" Fun fact: his first language was Korean. Learned English in 4th grade. He knows his song choice was lame last week, so he is trying to pick a song more up his alley this week. Wow. Not in a good way. Lifeless. And scared. And flat. and whiny. And please send him home. This may be the only version of any song called "Gravity" that I haven't liked. 2 "yos." Randy- not as good as the original. Ellen-better song choice, needed more soul. Kara says better than last week. And they all say no connection. Simon says it was a "so what" performance. How does this guy front a band? Note- tomorrow, I might drink for each of Simon's insincere "sorry." Now it's a judge free for all, they all repeat the same thing, and you can hear the wrap up music playing in the back.

Casey James- "I Don't Wanna Be" Kind of a porn star name. He hasn't ever watched Idol. He found out the song that he's doing has been done by a plethora of losers. He hasn't had a tv most of his life. These people make no sense to me. There is a weird kind of thing where he is hiding something in a box, and it's odd. The only reason I mention it is because Ryan says "What's in the box??" Points Ryan, points. I might like Casey's version of this better than the original. He is back-lit with purple. Weird. He does, in fact "rip it up" on the guitar. Randy reminds everyone that he can play guitar. Remember, with Journey? It was HOT. Ellen thinks you can't go wrong with the song. She wants more performance, because he is too stiff. Kara references her cougarness, and then says he took two steps back, like MC Skat Kat. Simon says you can see this in any bar across America, a guy trying to play rockstar.

You're welcome.

Alex Lambert- "Everybody Knows" Mullet guy pukes before big performances. Just like Douglas Dorsey. Anyone, anyone?(first person to mention the reference below gets a gold star) Apparently this nerd made up a language in 6th grade to help him with song writing. His awkwardness is apparent, and this week, he is trying to appear more comfortable on stage. I have never heard this John Legend song, but I really like this. A lot. As in, if I actually downloaded songs from this program, I might consider copying a version that someone downloaded of this one. Randy loves the confidence, and the guitar (did you know he played?) and it was WAY LEGIT. Ellen says it is like someone put the unripe banana in a paper bag. Which is a compliment. Kara says he has an incredible recording voice. Simon said it was a million times better. He also gave this jem "the only reason you should be nervous is if you are useless. Simon says he needs to start playing to win, and he doesn't want to hear anymore about the nervous nonsense. Well-n the only person that I know that would download this song on my behalf just text messaged me and said "I'm not rooting for this kid." Not a fan of the mullet, apparently.

Todrick Hall"What's Love Got to Do With It?" This is the dancer guy that cheats families and children out of hard earned money. He can DIAF as far as I am concerned. Can't stand him. Annoying performance. The end. One YO. That's all I have to say about that.

Instead of this nonsense, I am going to bitch about the fact that girls night and guys night were switched because the dirty hippie is really sick. Since when do we rearrange schedules for finalists? What the hell? Who is she that she deserves an entire night moved around??Maybe if she showered regularly, she would be less prone to illness.

The guy henceforth referred to as "THIS FUCKING GUY"- "What's Going On?" I can't believe this guy is still here. What a douche bag. He tries AGAIN in his video package to pretend like he thinks the judges are there to help. Maybe drop the attitude with them then. Of COURSE he is singing Marvin Gaye. And messing it up royally. Why is he smiling and playing coy to the camera? Does he KNOW what this song is ABOUT???

"Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today"

None of that says bedroom eyes and shoulder shrugs. It's not THAT kind of "what's going on." Kara says exactly that. "We don't need every trick in every performance, we need one good trick." Simon says he makes the song lose its importance. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says "can i ask a question?--- what should I do next week? ya'll can pick." Simon says that he might not be here next week. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says, "I know God." Assholes like this PISS ME OFF. With your lack of talent, and disrespectful attitude, God is going to move Heaven and Earth to get you on Idol next week. Get the fuck over yourself. I think God might have some bigger action items right now.

Andrew Garcia -Apparently this guy is a break dancer? I really liked his performance last week, and the judges hated it. I missed the name of the song. And I don't know it. In case you were wondering, I don't really listen to top 40. Basically because most of it is crap. Oh, wait, I know this song. It's less annoying when he does it. Randy calls it "pitchy all over the place." And misses the guitar. Attention guys: Randy likes it when you use the guitar. Ellen liked it. Kara says they need another big surprise. Simon says that the fact that he hasn't picked the right song yet is a huge indicator that something is missing. He is disappointed.

Side note- as I am typing, I get a message that Kimberley Locke is now following me on twitter. Hey Kimberley, if you can hook me up to regularly blog about Idol, I would be more than willing. That is my America Dream. Well, blogging about tv for money in general. Shit, I'll blog about gardening if someone would pay me to work in my pjs.

Aaron Kelly- "My Girl" He likes photography. Just like every other 16 year old with a Myspace page. Hey kid, usually, it is a bad idea to pick a song that is frequently used for group day. And when you hold out every single off key note, it is really painful. If my roommate hadn't just taken the dog for a walk, he would be sitting by the tv howling. This is why 16 YO girls are more successful than 16 YO boys. Because the girls have gone through puberty. I think Randy had 4 yos. I am just gonna say that, because I'm thirsty. Ellen and Kara love it. Ugh. Simon brings up Justin Bieber (I looked it up to avoid being yelled at) and says some stuff that I tuned out.

Tim Urban (A song i don't know the name to) This is the kid that came back because another dude had an existing contract. And he stunk up the stage, and was saved because he has Zac Efron hair. Ryan doesn't tell me what the name of the song is, so I can't give it to you. I kinda recognize it. YO. Randy asks "how was that for you?" That normally means he "didn't get it." Ellen tells him to act. She then says if he were on Glee, and acted and then busted out singing, the girls would love him. THAT COMMENT PISSED ME OFF. The GLEE kids are INCREDIBLY talented. Do not even pretend like this kid is in the same realm as Lea Michele. (breathe, breathe, breathe) In case you didn't know, I am a huge GLEEk. Simon says that he thought it was a huge improvement, and this kid needs to now change his panties, because he just shit his pants. He should sell toothpaste. White teeth.

Lee Dewyze- "Lips of an Angel" He was a troubled youth, made bad decisions, and went to an alternative school. He's the "everyman" for this year. This guy has the perfect voice for this song, which is a piece of shit song. I really hate songs that are about cheating in an unapologetic fashion. Really, I hate them in an "apologetic" fashion as well. Hear that Jason Derulo? Saying that you "were caught up in someones lust- but when you become a star we'll be living so large you'll do anything for [me]" is shitty. And THAT is why I don't listen to top 40. The judges overall say they like him, but he needs to grow some balls and own a performance.

Wow, what a fantastic collection of crap. I hate these awkward dancing packages. My only hope is that tomorrow is as blogworthy as tonight.

Idol Recap- First Vote Off

I didn't blog during the cheesy opening montage and lame group sing, because it was more important for me to eat my beef fajita nachos. Yes, they were delicious. These group sings are so unbelievably painful to watch, and so totally karaoke that I have no idea how Simon hasn't gotten the removed.

Off with their heads starts with the ladies:
Back row-
the witch, Siobhan is safe
gums, Hayley safe
the chick I don't remember, Michelle- safe
big haired blonde, Katelyn safe

One of these two goes home:
old little girl, Katie
the girl that messed up Heart, Janelle

Randy is asked who deserves to go... and he is lame and doesn't answer. Grow some balls, dude.
7:15 :Janelle goes home. Because she sucks. And she is only an average looking blonde with a minimal personality. And then she gets another chance to make our ears bleed. Why do we let the early rejects sing? Shouldn't it be only the top 8 sing at departure? There is a reason we got rid of them. Thanks for reminding us that we did not like her.

And now, a performance from last years pink haired 17 YO power voice. Her hair is still pink, but noticeably longer. When she finishes, she asks Ryan if it was time to have another awkward conversation. Haha. Love her.

Front row ladies, time to rock:
Paige "too boring to have a nickname" is safe
Creepy pixie girl, Lacey is miraculously safe
Grey haired girl, Lilly is safe
dirty hippie Crystal, safe

Ashely and Didi are bottom two- Ellen gets asked what advice she has for the loser. "It is just a new begininning somewhere else. " Ha. Didi is safe, and there is justice in the world. Camera pans to fake sad looks from the girls. This chick acts like she has been on this show for months, and dedicates her crappy performance to her family. If I were her family, I would tell her thanks for the crappy consolation gift, I wanted a new car. And no, you cant sleep on my couch while you look for another job.

7:36 We are back from commercial and there is some weird video with the 70's kid in a bathrobe during dress rehearsal. Weird.

Big Mike is safe. Duh.
Shania Twain's lover, safe
The original 16 YO is safe
the dancer is safe, but Ryan lets him sweat it out. Watch your back, dude.

The last minute addition and the American Dream are in the bottom two. Kara is asked if America is right, and beats around the bush. Ryan is direct and asks again and she says no. The next question Ryan should have asked was who SHOULD have been there then, but he is too lame to ask that. Create some tension, dude! The last minute addition is safe and is so surprised, he makes a face like there is a ferret crawling in his pants. This guy kinda cries when he finishes his song, and he proves he is too fragile a soul for this machine.

Idol Gives Back. Call me an asshole, but I tune out for each one of these. They sent Kris Allen to Haiti. He is a genuine guy, so I don't mind him coming on here and talking about giving back, because I think he really does mean it. I can't see some of these assholes help an old lady walk across the street, so the idea that they would help somewhere like Haiti is ridiculous. Kris sings "Let It Be." I must be honest. As much as I tried to fight it, I fell victim to his charms last season and developed a little crush. I swooned. Haven't bought an album though.

Crap, we're back
Surfer dude is safe. Duh
The asshole, Jermaine is safe. America, you are stupid.
The average guy, Lee is safe
The artsy one, Andrew is safe

Cougar bait (Tyler) and the mullet kid (Alex) are in the bottom two. Simon is asked who he thinks it is based on the vocals and he says "Tyler, it's over." And he is right. Tyler says that he didn't get any constructive criticism during Hollywood week, and what he heard came too late. Way to pass the blame, asshole.

The "say goodbye" montage is all 4 losers together. Thank you Idol, for knowing that we don't really have an emotional attachment to these guys yet, so a one minute overview with all of them is more than enough.

Girls on Tuesday and guys on Wednesday, and Ryan says "it's gonna get dramatic." We get the end credits while Tyler croons. I like that the dudes don't do the fake hugs and pouts. Until next week (Idol wise) -Smell ya later, bitches.

Idol Recap- It's Raining Men

Tonight I will be blogging from the boyf's house. Let's find out if surround sound is really the best way to listen. I'm nervous.

The dudes this season look pretty weak. Literally. As in, I am afraid they can't hold the microphone due to the enormous weight. Except for that one guy, who could hold them all in pyramid form without breaking a sweat. Oops. Boyf just heard it was TWO HOURS tonight. Apparently he is choosing to get drunk. We all have our coping mechanisms.

Simon is choosing not to rock the tight shirt, but his button up shirt is opened low enough to see his chest hair. Grrrr. Now we hear Ellen talk about the differences between listening live and at home. She has verified the "what are the judges thinking!?!?"question that is frequently asked, as apparently the flaws are covered in a studio performance.

Todrick Hall- - "Since You've Been Gone"- I liked this guy when he wrote his original song for the audition. But then he got really annoying. In case you don't pay attention to the interwebs, he is apparently a shady play producer. This "jazzy" version of Kelly Clarkson is very boy band. Late 90's boy band. BUT he is "making it his own." And it backfires... because he "completely shredded the song," according to Randy. Simon said what he did "was verging on stupid. " Note to the finalists- don't destroy a song that was produced by the Idol Machine. It will not be taken well. Simon is right, he is a dancer trying to be a singer.

Aaron Kelly "some song I have never heard of" I do not remember this kid. Did we meet him? On the plus side, at least Proactiv has a new Idol spokesperson. Speaking of which, I am looking forward to the "gentler" formula that hopefully doesn't bleach out my towels. SEE, I'm not just an asshole, I'm also a client. :P Hmm. Maybe he used it between Hollywood week and here. I blame the fact that we have to listen to this 16 YO entirely on Justin Beiber. Apparently I am becoming too old for this show. The 13 YO that call for hours on end will like him. The judges start this "believe in yourself" non-sense. Oh, apparently the song was by Rascal Flats.

Jermaine Sellers "Get Here" This guy likes to wear weird hats. I remember this song. And I don't think the chick that originally sang it sang it as high as he is now. EWWWW. He just threw in the word "shorty." Is that really how we modernize something? If we start Autotuning the classics, I officially quit. Judges hated it. This is where the contestants get really confused. Because the judges tell them to "make it their own." Then, they get told they went too far. Delicate balance. But guess what? You are always going to have a boss that changes their mind on what they want. It's called "being a grown up." Now he is speaking gibberish, and showing that he is an asshole. Somebody get the hook.. get him off the stage. "I got made out to look like a diva." YOU ARE A DIVA, ASSHOLE. Throw the band leader under the bus, and then FORGET HIS NAME?!?!

Tim Urban "Apologize." Time out for the obligatory Coke promo. Apparently this kid got the call from the producers that he would be returning. Who did we get rid of? Was there a criminal in the mix? After a brief google search, the dude he was replaced was disqualified by having a previous contract. Apparently this dude missed the memo that previous winner Kris Allen rocked this song last year. This kid did not. Ouch. To be honest, I tuned it out in my google search to find out how he got here. Simon says that they made the right choice in the beginning, and he shouldn't be here. The judges say it is an utter fail, and maybe he will get a sympathy vote, or an "adorable vote" as Ellen put it. He gives a lame excuse to why he sucked- some last minute change... As my dad frequently says "Fools give you reason, wise men never try." Yes, that is from a musical. Yes, my dad is straight.

Has it really only been 46 minutes?

Joe Munoz "You and I Both" He is this year's "living the American Dream" candidate. This song is "if Enrique Igelsias sang Jason Mraz." Not because he is Latino- don't throw hate mail my way. It is because he has same cadence and phrasing. And pronunciation. I am a big Mraz fan, so I have a little issue with it. JMraz makes me smile and feel really warm. That element was gone from this song. Mixed reviews from the judges. I don't hate him. He will probably skate through.

Tyler Grady"American Woman"- This kid was really shiny at auditions, I am glad he found some blotting strips. Yes, I used to work in cosmetics. He has a cute way about him that makes me think Cougars will eat him alive. With this song choice, he plays right into it. "Mommy can't right now sweetie, she's watching Idol." Simon says it is all a bit cliche. Each judge said the same exact thing; please tell me why it took 4 minutes to say it. Just take your fingers, put them in the air, and make quotation marks. That signifies "ditto." As in, "me too, " "I agree, " "what HE said."

Lee Dewyze "Chasing Cars" He fills the "just a regular guy" role. Last year,, this went to the oil rigger that looked like a Joss Whedon Vampire. He keeps picking these songs that were popular just a few years ago. You are on the downswing of the popularity of that song, my friend. He sucked. Off key. Go back to the paint store, dude. Randy tries to get him on the more modern path with Kings of Leon. Every once in a while, Randy gets it right. And Simon is on drugs, and says it is the best performance of the night. For the record- I got bored again, and googled the other guy. Michael Sarver. This guy is right on track for that... getting the votes because people like your "regular guy persona." You get to the final 6, and then get bumped out because you have the least amount of talent. On the plus side, you get a bunch of chicks that will sleep with you for the next few years. Better than selling paint to bored housewives.

John Park- "God Bless the Child" This is the guy that Shania Twain geeked out over. He starts out like he has never heard himself on a microphone before. And looks terrified. He finally starts to warm up a little bit in the second verse. His chances aren't that great. Is it just me, or do Asian dudes not make it very far in Idol? William Hung aside, of course. Is he to blame? Ellen proves she is the new Paula and tries to coddle him. He pulls the emotional pull, and talks about what the song means to him personally. Flip a coin.

Michael Lynche- "This Love"- I think the boyf sums it up. "Oh, THIS fucking guy." I hope that you can explain to your little girl that you watched her delivery on a cell phone in a hotel ballroom because you wanted to live the dream. This guy makes my brain jumbled. He sings John Mayer, and now he sings Maroon 5. You just don't expect these songs from a 6'4, 320lb dude. I am sure John Mayer and Adam Levine TOGETHER don't weigh as much as this dude. But he ROCKS it. He has the "teddy bear" appeal and a winning smile. Kara basically says he is the shiny turd in a crap group. Simon says he didn't bring enough. Note to Michael: He is challenging you because he sees your potential. It is what Simon does so well, and it is a key factor that will be missing when he is gone. That is why the cast (the smart ones at least) appreciate his feedback the most. Because he isn't gonna jerk your chain to get the crowd to cheer. He is gonna keep it real, and challenge you to do your best. It is what good leaders do. Wow. Got serious there for a minute.

Alex Lambert "Wonderful World" This guy survived that bossy bitch during group day. I like him for that reason. Last time I checked, that girl didn't make it on the show. Hmm. Does he have a mullet? I like the tone in his voice. One of those that is better when you don't look at him. Simon calls it the "most uncomfortable performance of the night." He has a good voice, but the nerves need to get in check. Ellen compares him to a banana, because he is just not ripe enough yet. But when he does, she is ready to eat him. Weird. He has only performed live 3 times. He is precious, and those ovaries out there are going to sympathy vote him on.

Casey James- "Heaven" Surfer dude that kara has a crush on. Rough start. The original Bryan Adams song, not the lame pop version that debuted when I was in college. Why mess with a Canadian classic? He's cute. There is a kind of Bob Seger quality to his voice that I dig. I'm not yet swooning, but he is a good future candidate for that.There is a weird kind of interaction with the "Kara has a crush on him thing." Kara says he is kinda pitchy. But he can play and sing and has a heart and soul. Simon says it was a great song choice, and his best performance yet. He is so obviously top 12, let's just put him there.

Andrew Garcia-"Sugar We're Going Down" -Not sure how I feel about him. Acoustic version. I dig this. I am sure this is the first time people are actually understanding the lyrics to this song. Cock it and pull iiiiiIIIIIiiit. Love this. Simon was disappointed because it was too serious and indulgent. Apparently I am listening to a different version. I really liked it. Hmmm. Ellen translates Simon's "self indulgent" comment, and tells him that the moment he looked over at his girlfriend an lit up was the best part of the song, because he remembered that it wasn't just him in the room.

Do not ever place the 16 YO next to the giant dude again in the closing shot. I am afraid he will eat him. The size differential is not good.