Idol Recap- Who's on Tour?

Tonight, the most important Idol vote off.... until next week. Big deal, we get to the Top Ten. Dramatic intro, comic book style... and then there is a chick in the audience with blood all over her face. Wait... what? Camera to Ryan... crowd shot with the bloody faced girl, as if to say, "yes, you REALLY DID just see that." I wonder if she is dramatically protesting the heath care reform.

As if these group sings couldn't be worse--- let's destroy a Wham song. I will let you know, no disparaging remarks about Wham, or one of my all time favorite artists, George Michael, will be tolerated. No joke. Serious as a heart attack.

Ugggggh, totally forgot about these ridiculous Ford commercials. Remember when the Plain White T's were relevant? I do... it was right before I met my boyf... 2 AND A HALF YEARS AGO. Get relevant.

Ryan has all the contestants sitting in two rows, reminding them of how CRUCIAL tonight is.

Apparently Siobhan's friend is growing a beard that will not be shaved until she is kicked off... which might be soon, because the chick covered in blood is her friend... and is a "Sizombie, " or something equally ridiculous. Yes, a crazy army of fans that cover themselves in blood are exactly who America relates to.

Did you know that Big Mike is a dad? Because there is another video package about it.

Siobhan is the first to be stood up, and she awkwardly rambles for what seems like half a hour, only to hear that she is safe. Cue screaming blood covered chicks. Seriously, this girl needs some PR help. Weirdos. Come to think of it, there are those idiot girls that want to be vampires so they can find their own abusive true love that sparkles, so it might not be a bad idea. Sizombies!

Lee and Casey stand together. We hear their critiques... and they are forced to stay standing, while we hear about how Tim and Paige sucked balls. Tim AGAIN talks about how much FUN he had. Paige looks like she is going to vomit, and admits she sucked. Ryan asks Randy to talk about who is in the bottom three, and he grows a pair and says Paige. And he is right.... and Tim is there with her. They walk across the stage in shame, and Lee and Casey are still standing there until commercial, because they haven't been directed to do anything else. But up next, IT'S MILEY!

Miley, because she is a true artist, is at the piano. Last night she stressed "connecting with the audience through eye contact, " but because she is Miley fucking Cyrus, she is singing with her eyes closed, because NO ONE tells her what to do... not even herself. She gets up from the piano only to throw herself into really forced convulsions and headbanging when she hits the powerful chorus. Odd. Billy Ray is in the audience, and it is clear that he is confused by the performance as well.

Top row is safe, so Casey and Lee got to sit. The 16 YO stands up and is already about to cry- but he is safe, and Ryan puts him out of his misery quite quickly. Dee Dee is up, and talks and I want to punch her. They babble and I checked my twitter. She's safe. Big Mike stands up, and the stage shakes. Kidding. He's safe, in case you were losing sleep over it. Dirty Hippie: safe. And the sky is blue. Either Andrew or Katie are in the bottom three, and no one is surprised. By some magical Emo voting block, Andrew is safe- and Katie is in the bottom three. They line them up only to send Katie right back. Such drama and excitement.

OMG, a Jonas and Demi Lovato!!! OMG, they're like TOTALLY DATING, which is so great, because they've been BFF's for like, ever! Wow, Demi is really dramatic with the hand movements. Is this the song they recorded for that save the whales thing on the Disney channel? Yeah- I'm 27 and I watch the Disney channel. Phineas and Ferb is a funny show. I'm comfortable with that. Hey, where's Perry?

8:54.... aaaaaaannnnd we're back. Did you know whoever is safe goes on tour? Red lights for effect. Paige is out, and a forced "ohhhhhhh" comes from the audience. Ryan asks for words of encouragement from Simon, and he tells her that he doesn't want to toy with her, because she IS going home, no doubt. The "safe" pass won't be used on her. Simon tells her to go back to her roots when they met her and how she used to not suck. Ryan pours salt in the wounds, and asks what she is going to tell her students, since she failed. AND she has to watch her video package- and Ryan closes everything out, thanking Miley and Demi and the hipster Jonas, and thank the crew and the band and the audience--- because they really only want to hear about 7 seconds of her shit-tastic performance. Wait, wtf, she's allowed to sing any song she wants? When did this start? Did they do this last week? Because I was drunk. It was St Pattys. :)

Anyone know what "PTz on the Deckish" means? Boyf got a random text message from someone he doesn't know- in that weird text/twitter language with no punctuation, and that was the sign off. EDIT: apparently it was a guy randomly text messaging to promote his myspace music. check it out here: http://www.myspace.com/hatturntback

Off to Chicago tomorrow, see you bitches next week!