Oh crap....

I have a blog.



I guess if I am ever going to realize my dream of being a snarky E!/VH-1 commentator are to ever come true, I better get back to it.

Idol Recap- Where My Girls At

Tonight, we get the ladies, because the Dirty Hippie Crystal is apparently back from the brink of death. Then the judges are stupid, and Kara has dumb hair.

The Dirty Hippie is up first, and she has a brother that is a "square." She references Simons comment last week about how he could hear that performance from 1,000s of people on a Subway platform, and he wouldn't stop, saying that people have in fact stopped to listen to her on a subway. Apparently we are doing a gospel show tonight. Some "see the light" performance. She has a nice voice- but that shit doesn't sell. Remember Ruben Studdard? Ellen talks about how she needs to stay healthy, because they NEED her on the show. Are we going to talk about what was wrong? because, seriously, she looks and sounds fine. Simon says he is glad that she didn't play the sympathy card (bc everyone else did for her), and says that he totally underestimated her. Then compares her with Kelly Clarkson. Cmon now.

Haeley Vaughn-"The Climb"Gums is now talking with Ryan about her EPIC fail last week with the Beatles song. This week, she will sing Miley Cyrus, because she is more her genre. Apparently she makes headbands. For the record, I actually like Miley Cyrus. Party in the USA is my JAM! This song, I hate. And this girl starts it nicely in the beginning... but then the chorus is a mess. Then the reprise... then... oh bollocks. A mess. YO Wow- Randy calls it excruciating. This is the only time that we will agree. Who is the hot dude sitting with her Grandma. He is labeled "friend." She is too young to have that hot of an older friend. Kara says that she needs to develop her talent more. Simon says in theory, it works but it was a "mess." The Leprechaun gets sassy with Simon, and protective of the little girl.

Lacey Brown-"Kiss Me"The red headed pixie that I swear just appeared out of nowhere apparently likes to paint. She BUTCHERED Landslide last week, and finally owns up to it. She is doing "Kiss Me" this week, pretending that she already had it planned, and it had nothing to do with Kara's suggestion. I am not sure i totally like her, and I think it might be because I am afraid she is a witch. There was one of them last season like that. Randy calls it karaoke. Ellen thinks it is adorable. And then I tuned out because I didn't care anymore. Sorry (to be said in Simon's unapologetic tone).

Katie Stevens-"Put Your Records On" Her being on TV makes it snow in Connecticut. She is supposed to be younger today, because we like our 17 year olds to be 17 YOs. She knows how to say "give me a kiss" in 7 languages. While we are thinking she is a skeezer, she assures us that she doesn't walk up to strangers and try to kiss them. This all seems very contrived. For the "record," (pun intended) this is not a "younger"song. She still has an incredible voice. The judges are frustrated with her because she isn't getting it and she has too much talent to be average. Kara makes a valid point that some songs sound great on to the radio, but lack performance spark. Simon tells her that she needs to show them what kind of performer she needs to be.

Didi Benami - "Lean On Me" She was the mascot in high school, and meows to warm up for performances. When she talks, she reminds me of Tenley from the Bachelor. I actually like her LESS with these video packages. I really like this version. People have really cheesed this out, and somehow hers is a little more genuine. Randy hates it. We disagree. Ellen loves her. She says that maybe a different Bill Withers would be good. Randy yes groans. Kara said it "wasn't good." Time the eff out. YOU PEOPLE SELECTED THESE TOP 24. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB. Maybe I have just listened to so much crap on this show, that I think this is good? How can I be this far off from the judges? As you see, I don't hold back when I hate something. She is so upset that she can't even talk. This is crap. EDIT- the clip they showed in the recap was annoying.

Michelle Delamor- "With Arms Wide Arm" She works with kids in church choir. Which is probably why she is singing this Creed song. Ew. I still hate this song, even without that douche Scott Stapp singing it. Because I HATE this.. especially her WEIRD head shaking at the end, I am sure the judges will love it. Because apparently we exist in different universes tonight. YO. He says her outfit is hot. But he hated it. Ellen loves the outfit too. When I think fashion- I think those two. Hip, happening and with it, for sure. Balls. Kara loves it because "it felt believable." Simon says he kind of agrees. The first half, yes- second half, gross. He said she got 80% of it right. Apparently Vera Wang is in the house. When is this over?

Lilly Scott- Gandolf the Grey performed, but I was on the phone. I am babysitting for my 3 and 6 year old cousins this weekend while their parents party it up Vegas style, so I got to get a little pep talk. I will blog about it, don't worry. I am sure it will be fun for you all to laugh at me being a mom for the weekend. They are really good kids, so I don't worry about them, I just worry that I will be able to keep up! Seemed like the judges liked her.

Katelyn Epperly -"The Scientist" She will be singing a very intimate song tonight, apparently. Why is she so 80's? She is singing some Coldplay. I don't really dig Coldplay. Send me hate mail if you want, but while your at it- yell at me for thinking U2 is overrated. Yes. I went there. Oh, this is a Coldplay song I actually kinda like. Minus a few rough spots, I like her version too. Props for her playing the piano. We had another curly haired blonde that played piano. I liked her better than this chick. Randy really liked it, until the last few notes. Ellen said she fell asleep. She loves the song, but it is too slow. "People can't vote if they're asleep." Kara says "I kind of love you." But she needs to figure out who she is because she is all over the place. Simon says it is a smart choice of song, and nearly identical to a Natasha Beddingfield version (that she says she is unaware of). She needs to worry about being too corny.

It is 833, and we have 2 more performers? How LONG is this show? Cut all the fluffy crap- keep it to an hour and a half, and let me live my life. Those of us that are too stubborn to DVR (long story, I'll tell you when you're older) can't make this big of a commitment.

Paige Miles -"Walk Away" This chick is boring. She likes to color, because it makes her relax. Yeah, me too. But when someone asks "what something interesting that people that people don't know about you?" that is not where I go. Because that is lame and nerdy. She is singing one of my least favorite songs from that Kelly Clarkson album. And she sounds like she is chocking a cat at the end. So forced and stupid. Yo YO YO Paige. She chose the song because Kara wrote it. Randy didn't like it because it is too many words. And he rambles about lameness that makes no sense... and da da da da das. Ellen loved it. Kara points out that the song isn't smiley- it is angry. Because she is telling the guy to go fuck himself. This girl is clueless. She colors and plays with barbie dolls. There is no base for comparison. "It's forgettable. Sorry."

Siobhan Magnus- "Freedom"Another girl that I really just can't stand. And I wasn't really watching the first part, because I was reading about what the author of Shutter Island thought about the minor change in the ending. Which, if you have read the book is a lot more hypothetical than a "declarative statement." Apparently watching the film without seeing the book made it much more subjective.... but I digress. Wow. I thought about paying attention again, and then this bitch came up and starting singing Freedom, so now I am purposely ignoring the television. Back to Shutter Island. I liked the book a lot. And the movie did a really good job with the storyline, but was missing a little background that made it less cheesy of a progression to the ending. Back to the weirdo- Randy loved it. And Simon says what everyone in America is thinking "you are such a weird person." She is pretty safe, considering the crapfest that ensued tonight.

It is a free for all on all which of these ass clowns go home. I'm too jaded to give an opinion. What do you think?

Idol Recap- The Boys are Back

I missed the first 4 minutes, and let's be honest- I'm sure I didn't miss much. Started just in time for the guts of the program. Tonight, the boys are back, and singing "billboard hits." Seems simple enough, right? Only 9 million songs to chose from. When they make the categories this broad, they are really just testing the intelligence of the contestant. Pick something too recent, and it's sing-a-long. Pick something too old, and it's dated, or karaoke. Let's see who messes up tonight.

Ryan informs us that tonight, we will try to get to know the contestants a little better. Great. Sappy montages. This is why frequently, we don't end up with the most talented artist, but the one with a great story. For the record, I don't care about the stories, so I won't get into them.

Michael Lynch- "Man's World." Surprise! He played football in High School. He addresses the comments from the judges, and specifically Simon's comment that he was the supporting act. He, of course, says he wants to be the MAIN EVENT in tonight's performance. Good goal, buddy. His performance is ok. Lots of "runs" and what have you. Randy, after three "yo's" gives him a standing o. New thing- tonight, I am drinking for every "yo." I apologize in advance for any incoherent rambling(well, more than usual) at the end of this post because of it. Ellen blah blah blah. Kara says she doesn't get it, until NOW. Really? Then why did you geek out for him and send him to the top 24? Simon loves it, and says it didn't seem dated. Apparently his wife is coming out Friday, if he is still in the competition... hint, hint, America.

John Park- "Gravity" Ryan asks him what his band thinks about this whole Idol thing. Apparently they want him to win. Uh, Ryan... ever heard of this band called "Daughtry?" Fun fact: his first language was Korean. Learned English in 4th grade. He knows his song choice was lame last week, so he is trying to pick a song more up his alley this week. Wow. Not in a good way. Lifeless. And scared. And flat. and whiny. And please send him home. This may be the only version of any song called "Gravity" that I haven't liked. 2 "yos." Randy- not as good as the original. Ellen-better song choice, needed more soul. Kara says better than last week. And they all say no connection. Simon says it was a "so what" performance. How does this guy front a band? Note- tomorrow, I might drink for each of Simon's insincere "sorry." Now it's a judge free for all, they all repeat the same thing, and you can hear the wrap up music playing in the back.

Casey James- "I Don't Wanna Be" Kind of a porn star name. He hasn't ever watched Idol. He found out the song that he's doing has been done by a plethora of losers. He hasn't had a tv most of his life. These people make no sense to me. There is a weird kind of thing where he is hiding something in a box, and it's odd. The only reason I mention it is because Ryan says "What's in the box??" Points Ryan, points. I might like Casey's version of this better than the original. He is back-lit with purple. Weird. He does, in fact "rip it up" on the guitar. Randy reminds everyone that he can play guitar. Remember, with Journey? It was HOT. Ellen thinks you can't go wrong with the song. She wants more performance, because he is too stiff. Kara references her cougarness, and then says he took two steps back, like MC Skat Kat. Simon says you can see this in any bar across America, a guy trying to play rockstar.

You're welcome.

Alex Lambert- "Everybody Knows" Mullet guy pukes before big performances. Just like Douglas Dorsey. Anyone, anyone?(first person to mention the reference below gets a gold star) Apparently this nerd made up a language in 6th grade to help him with song writing. His awkwardness is apparent, and this week, he is trying to appear more comfortable on stage. I have never heard this John Legend song, but I really like this. A lot. As in, if I actually downloaded songs from this program, I might consider copying a version that someone downloaded of this one. Randy loves the confidence, and the guitar (did you know he played?) and it was WAY LEGIT. Ellen says it is like someone put the unripe banana in a paper bag. Which is a compliment. Kara says he has an incredible recording voice. Simon said it was a million times better. He also gave this jem "the only reason you should be nervous is if you are useless. Simon says he needs to start playing to win, and he doesn't want to hear anymore about the nervous nonsense. Well-n the only person that I know that would download this song on my behalf just text messaged me and said "I'm not rooting for this kid." Not a fan of the mullet, apparently.

Todrick Hall"What's Love Got to Do With It?" This is the dancer guy that cheats families and children out of hard earned money. He can DIAF as far as I am concerned. Can't stand him. Annoying performance. The end. One YO. That's all I have to say about that.

Instead of this nonsense, I am going to bitch about the fact that girls night and guys night were switched because the dirty hippie is really sick. Since when do we rearrange schedules for finalists? What the hell? Who is she that she deserves an entire night moved around??Maybe if she showered regularly, she would be less prone to illness.

The guy henceforth referred to as "THIS FUCKING GUY"- "What's Going On?" I can't believe this guy is still here. What a douche bag. He tries AGAIN in his video package to pretend like he thinks the judges are there to help. Maybe drop the attitude with them then. Of COURSE he is singing Marvin Gaye. And messing it up royally. Why is he smiling and playing coy to the camera? Does he KNOW what this song is ABOUT???

"Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today"

None of that says bedroom eyes and shoulder shrugs. It's not THAT kind of "what's going on." Kara says exactly that. "We don't need every trick in every performance, we need one good trick." Simon says he makes the song lose its importance. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says "can i ask a question?--- what should I do next week? ya'll can pick." Simon says that he might not be here next week. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says, "I know God." Assholes like this PISS ME OFF. With your lack of talent, and disrespectful attitude, God is going to move Heaven and Earth to get you on Idol next week. Get the fuck over yourself. I think God might have some bigger action items right now.

Andrew Garcia -Apparently this guy is a break dancer? I really liked his performance last week, and the judges hated it. I missed the name of the song. And I don't know it. In case you were wondering, I don't really listen to top 40. Basically because most of it is crap. Oh, wait, I know this song. It's less annoying when he does it. Randy calls it "pitchy all over the place." And misses the guitar. Attention guys: Randy likes it when you use the guitar. Ellen liked it. Kara says they need another big surprise. Simon says that the fact that he hasn't picked the right song yet is a huge indicator that something is missing. He is disappointed.

Side note- as I am typing, I get a message that Kimberley Locke is now following me on twitter. Hey Kimberley, if you can hook me up to regularly blog about Idol, I would be more than willing. That is my America Dream. Well, blogging about tv for money in general. Shit, I'll blog about gardening if someone would pay me to work in my pjs.

Aaron Kelly- "My Girl" He likes photography. Just like every other 16 year old with a Myspace page. Hey kid, usually, it is a bad idea to pick a song that is frequently used for group day. And when you hold out every single off key note, it is really painful. If my roommate hadn't just taken the dog for a walk, he would be sitting by the tv howling. This is why 16 YO girls are more successful than 16 YO boys. Because the girls have gone through puberty. I think Randy had 4 yos. I am just gonna say that, because I'm thirsty. Ellen and Kara love it. Ugh. Simon brings up Justin Bieber (I looked it up to avoid being yelled at) and says some stuff that I tuned out.

Tim Urban (A song i don't know the name to) This is the kid that came back because another dude had an existing contract. And he stunk up the stage, and was saved because he has Zac Efron hair. Ryan doesn't tell me what the name of the song is, so I can't give it to you. I kinda recognize it. YO. Randy asks "how was that for you?" That normally means he "didn't get it." Ellen tells him to act. She then says if he were on Glee, and acted and then busted out singing, the girls would love him. THAT COMMENT PISSED ME OFF. The GLEE kids are INCREDIBLY talented. Do not even pretend like this kid is in the same realm as Lea Michele. (breathe, breathe, breathe) In case you didn't know, I am a huge GLEEk. Simon says that he thought it was a huge improvement, and this kid needs to now change his panties, because he just shit his pants. He should sell toothpaste. White teeth.

Lee Dewyze- "Lips of an Angel" He was a troubled youth, made bad decisions, and went to an alternative school. He's the "everyman" for this year. This guy has the perfect voice for this song, which is a piece of shit song. I really hate songs that are about cheating in an unapologetic fashion. Really, I hate them in an "apologetic" fashion as well. Hear that Jason Derulo? Saying that you "were caught up in someones lust- but when you become a star we'll be living so large you'll do anything for [me]" is shitty. And THAT is why I don't listen to top 40. The judges overall say they like him, but he needs to grow some balls and own a performance.

Wow, what a fantastic collection of crap. I hate these awkward dancing packages. My only hope is that tomorrow is as blogworthy as tonight.

MOVE, get out tha way!

I have always hated bicyclists. Well, not ALWAYS. My 8th grade math teacher was one, and any time we wanted to get out of a lesson, someone was nominated to ask her a question about it, and then we didn't have to do math that day. It was great. But somewhere along the time that I really started driving, I began to despise them. Not because they are involved in physical acticity, but because they think that they deserve teh same space on the road that a car does. That's just bullshit as far as I see it.
Where is this random rant coming from, you ask? This douchebag biking up Washington this morning while other people (LANES of them) were trying to drive to work.

Note- it is raining in Phx today

Please notice on your right: a cross walk, and a sidewalk. Apparently neither of these are good enough for this asshole. What happened when the light turned green, you ask? He cut me off, and started biking ahead of me at 13 mph. IN THE RIGHT HAND LANE! Hey- Lance Armstrong- this street isn't closed for a race. People are trying to get to work. Move the hell out of the way. Maybe try a bike path, or one of the many mountain paths, or shit- maybe just a side street. Regardless (side note: in case you didn't know, irregardless is not an actual word), you are not a vehicle and it just messes shit up when you pretend to be one.

An Open Lettter to Big Booty Girls

Dear Big Booty Girls,

On this casual Friday, I would like to take a moment to address a few concerns about proper wardrobe. As a big booty girl myself, I understand exactly what you are going through. However, some of you seem to think that you can follow fads, and make them work for you. Allow me to shed some light on this, and let you know how it really is.

Those skinny tapered jeans that the Emo kids wear are NOT FOR US. Anything that is tapered is a no-no. This goes for those old mom jeans that go up to your ribcage. No good. Both styles make you look wider/lumpier. A better fit would be boot cut.

However- for the boot cut, please look at a size BIGGER than the one you usually wear. This helps to prevent the over spill, sometimes known as "muffintop." It also helps to not wear the lowest rise... perhaps the one that hits just below/at your belly button is best. Believe me, it took me awhile to learn this lesson, and half of the University of Arizona saw my whale tail.

Color is an important thing to consider as well. White is not a good jeans color for anyone over a size 2, really. I don't know why they make them. They automatically add a minimum of ten, and maximum of 58 lbs. Also, jeans with intense whiskering, or extreme highlighting are not so great either. On one level, I think they just look trashy. But on a booty conscious level.... they don't work.

Please know, I am not by any means saying that big booties are bad. I have one. Have all my life. No matter how much weight I lose, the booty stays. What I am saying is cherish it. Highlight it. Make it the feature in a positive way!

Thank you for your time,

Ms. New Booty

That Rock n Roll Music- Any Old Way You Choose It (Idol Recap)

So- tonight is Rock and Roll night and I have been excited for a week. SO- chances are, this will suck because what does American Idol know about Rock and Roll? If you want to argue with me- just think of all the medleys. Nuff said.

In "no shit, Sherlock" news: Paula Abdul was addicted to pain killers. If you didn't know that, I have another shocker for you: Adam Lambert likes dudes. And if you didn't know that... then I have a time share in the Caribbean that I would like to talk to you about.

It has been "an unconventional day" at Idol.. apparently the tower fell. And stopped the run-through. Too bad Lil Rounds isn't around to use that as an excuse.

Added bonus- duets tonight.

What the hell is Kara wearing. This is not a Joan Jett concert. HOLY SHIT. Adam looks HI-larious. I will need to link a photo later.

Slash- I wonder when he stopped counting how many chicks he nailed. Probably not soon after he stopped counting how many packs a day he smoked. Slash will be mentoring from the club- with full band packing the idols. (insert nervous laughter from Allison and Danny).

Adam is first. And singing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." I will rip him if he ruins it. Because it is one of my faves. his hair is re-dick. Not really surprised he chose this. Most of his performances have moaning and latent sexual undertones. Once again, tweens across the country need an explanation for that fuzzy feeling in their bajingos. Okay- I want to punch Kara in the face because I am so over her. Paula looks really nice. Simon-agrees that it is one of the best Rock and Roll songs of all time. Why aren't we together again? I never thought I would hear Zeppelin on Idol- but I am not upset. I would be if Danny sang it.

Allison's transformation into Kelly Clarkson is nearly complete. Cool beans. Stool time with Ryan. Yet another opportunity for Allison to TRY to show us she has a personality. Taking on Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to "bring it." Her voice is awesome. Duh. Randy "kept it real" and told her he "didn't feel it." I should play the "randy cliche drinking game." Kara wished she did "Piece of my Heart." Agreed. Paula is a tool. Simon says she wasn't original enough. So Allison is getting sassy with Simon, and being a 17 year old girl. Showing personality is nice, but people don't always appreciate a sassy asshole. I should know. That is why I do it here, where people can kiss my ass and click somewhere else. ;)

So- here is a duet--- Renegade- Kris and Danny. This song is awesome. I guess Danny's idea of rock is a big chain around his neck. He refuses to wear leather apparently. This kinda sucks. Kris is having tempo problems. And Danny is yelling. Boo. The judges are critiquing this? Kara calls it out as being lame because these guys are so white bread, and not in fear of the long arm of the law. Wait. They PICKED this song?!? Whadda ya know... Danny blames the lack of a full dress rehearsal for the suck. Typical.

Kris is going to do a Beatles number. Can't say that I am surprised. Stool time with Ryan. He had originally picked "Revolution," and it didn't feel right because he is vanilla, and would revolt against nothing. He will do Come Together and play guitar. I actually prefer the Aerosmith version to the Beatles version, personally. I feel like it is a Guitar Hero performance. Why does Idol like to light everything so their hair looks purple? Annoying. It makes me feel like I am losing it. Why does Randy repeat so much? Kara thinks he is trying to hard, like she is with the outfit. Simon says it was like "eating ice for lunch- it leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards. " He is my soul mate. The ladies in the audience are not okay with him. I hope he has security walk him to the car.

Ass clown Gokey will ruin "Dream On." Surprise, he wants to yell at us. And it is inspirational with the "dreaming till your dream come trueeeeeeee." I don't know that I can watch it, and I don't know that I can handle the repercussions of typing my ACTUAL feelings on it.... the boyf's sister apparently thinks I go too far on the Danny bashing. Can't help it... he sucks, and he is playing America like a fiddle. I feel the need to intervene on this domestic terrorist- or I couldn't sleep at night.

Local news will have a story about the blind guy tonight. Remember him?

Gokey performance- too much purple; he is not Prince. He sounds like he got punched in the balls, and the ending screech is like a cat in heat. I swear, America. You dial in for this douche, and I am moving to Canada. I will disown you. Thank you Kara for saying that it was too much. The fist pumping has to stop, Kara. We are holding an intervention. Watch that- you will thank me later. Simon says he sucked but will prolly be safe. I am hoping that is his attempt to make America comfy so that they don't dial for dollars.

Duet- Slowride from Allison and Adam. I cannot hear this song and not think of one of the best movies in the history of the world, Dazed and Confused. I kinda tuned out on the performance, instead choosing to watch Matthew McConaughey in peach pants. I love you tube. The audience loved it... so-duh. Paula calls it a perfect marriage. Adam is like-"shit, I guess that is my only chance at marriage, right Miss California?" ;) I am going to bite my tongue now. Except to say that this isn't a modeling picture, it is a sex-text shot. I should know (cmon- I dated a Marine). If you want "modeling shots that could be confused as porn," go to model mayhem.

Recap showed Danny's terrible finish (that should be a porn title). As bad as it hurts to hear it again, it is a reminder for America. It is time to end this party.

You Should BE Dancing, YEAH

So, that few minutes before Idol starts where I watch TMZ makes me dumber.

I love the dramatic open about the "judges save." Duh. Of course we are gonna leave it to the end... and send home two, when there are three that suck.It is simple people, seriously. So, if we have an open that tells us about it, why do we need Ryan to tell us again? This is how we run over.

This week is Disco, by far the best week of every Idol season. Why? Because it separates the "I have a really great story that suckers America" and the people that are legitimately marketable.I have been so excited all day! So, we will have idiots like Llil and Anoop that are EPIC Fails, and rock stars like Adam that make it their own. Someone should just rent a Baz Luhrmann film, and do disco like he does. I hope that Adam does that Someone Left the Cake Out in the Rain song.

Lil- "I'm every woman." Who is surprised? Not me. She picked some big song, and didn't change a thing. Apparently the past 6 weeks of the judges telling her to stop doing lame karaoke versions and to make it her own never happened. Simon, you should have just talked to a wall. One good thing: hair extensions. She actually looks her age. She is an idiot. Kara has the best line ever: "you've been every woman on that stage, blah blah because you haven't been yourself." Haha. Paula babbles about an "inner goddess" and tries to guilt the audience into voting because Lil was sick yesterday. Simon says she's gone. "Copycat." Duh. Why do we care about her feedback? AND she is disagreeing. Because she is STUPID.

Stool Time with Ryan. Kris is adorable.

Kris Allen- Donna Summer- "She Works Hard for the Money." He is so freaking cute, and totally gets it. He does a Jason Mraz/Kenny Loggins hot acoustic version. And we are in love. THIS is what disco night is about. His wife is less cute, and they are not tagging her as his wife in the lower third anymore.Bye bye starter wife. Paula says something lame about "shopping in the womens' dept" and Simon calls her crazy. Simon loves Kris. There is a weird light on Randy- and he looks like an angel.

Earth Wind and Fire- Danny Gokey- "September." I want to kick him in the nards. What do you know? One of the lame ones that is only there because America loves a dead wife does a lame karaoke version. Because, c'mon... he is not EWF material. Because he is a dorky white guy. FYI Paula: THIS woman does not think Danny Gokey is sexy. Thanks Simon for keeping it real.

Allison in a terrible outfit. "Hot Stuff." I was concerned, because there are flames all over the stage. But she rocks it slow in the beginning. And continues to rock it. But good God. That OUTFIT. I get that she wanted to use the disco ball idea, and that she wanted to use the cool 70's suit tails. And she wanted to use the blue eye shadow and the mini boots.... but do we need it all at once? It his hilarious to me that she looks surprised that he says she is one of the best singers in the competition. Paula tries SO HARD to sound relevant. Maybe she should take two steps forward, and two steps back.

I love this stupid Burger King SpongeBob commercial. It cracks me up that people say that it is "teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids." Right... because THAT is where they picked it up. Not you stuffing your face and watching basic cable. Get over it people. Television is not responsible for raising your kid.... you are. It's called parenting. Read a book about it.

Stool time with Ryan. Apparently Adam chose "If I Can't Have You, I Don't Want Nobody" because it is more personal to him...little gay boys across the country are moved. Did you know that he is gonna win? Haha. PAULA IS CRYING. So, she needs to get her hormones checked. It is time for the change of life. I love that Simon can be relevant by just speaking the truth. Thank you Adam for acknowledging that someone helped with that arrangement. He is always good about that, but the judges talk over him.

Matt (who was saved last week, in case you wondered) is singing "Staying Alive." He is kinda . mixing it up. A little jazzier. Please click on that because it was gold. Feedback from the judges: not the best song choice, but it was good. Paula talks about bowling. Simon didn't like it, and poor Matt looks like his dog just got hit by a car. Hey America- guess what?! That was Simon's way of forcing you to vote for Matt so he doesn't go home. He thinks that Lil and Anoop should go home- but you aren't smart enough to listen, so he must use fear.

Ok people. I believe that last week, I said that I wanted to work with a bear, based on the really cool Vitamin Water commercial. After reading my blog, one of the interns from work told me via facebook that she would make it happen. She didn't. What should I do about it?

Anoop- I missed the title, because I wasn't paying attention. Also- I hate Anoop. His outfit is stupid. Oh. "Dim All the Lights." That he has slowed down... that doesn't work- because the song is about dancing, not unrequited love. Ok. A little better tempo, but he just creeps me out. I blame America's obsession with Slumdog Millionaire on him still being in the contest. He is not that talented. 3/4 judges like it. Guess who is a genuis. Funniest thing: Anoop's dad/gpa is caught laughing when Simon calls it horrible. Ha. Sounds like something my dad would do. He's kind of an ass. That's where I get it.

So, it is 8:00 and we are on recaps.... We end at 8:01?! Well, we should, especially since there was no guest judge.... Which is weird. Because isn't there a Gibb that hasn't been on here yet? Or some lame 70's star that is trying to make a comeback? What is David Cassidy ?

FYI- I am kinda creeper out by Fringe. But that is a totally different topic all together.

can we just end on time once ?

Holy fucking shit. Quinten Tarantino is on tonight. The theme this week is songs from a movie. Let's hope someone does My Heart Will Go On. My bet is on that one chick that always sings stuff from the 90's.
Judge intros- Randy looks stupid. Kara's hair is bad. Paula is wearing an evening gown, Simon blames the girls for running over last week. Totally true.

So, in case you didn't know who Quentin Tarantino was, here is a montage. I hope that the edgy kid redoes Stuck in the Middle With You, complete with one bloody ear. Wait, that's right. He did this in Season three, a.k.a. the year I didn't really watch. He is a fan.

Allison- "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing." It kills me that this is Aerosmith's only number one single , because this song is stupid. What is that outfit? Are those stirrup pants? She is lucky she has a killer voice, because her outfits are terrible. Apparently they are being serious, and only letting two judges talk. Really doesn't matter, since Randy just says whatever Simon does, unless he goes first- and then he just uses "dawg" a lot, and talks about his level of "feeling it."

Anoop, the prick- is singing "Everything I Do, I Do It For You." Quentin is not impressed, and tells him not pump it up a notch, and not deliver a lame karaoke performance. Apparently he choses not to listen to Tarantino- yeah, that is always a good move. NOT. So, in fifth grade, we had to do this lame teacher thank you assembly for our team teachers and we had to sing this song. I never really got it. Because yeah, we did stuff for our teachers- but because we had no choice. Or maybe they did everything for us- I don't know- the mom that picked it was really inspired. We just wanted to pass fifth grade and get to middle school. Randy and Kara like it, but they are dumb.

Adam- He is doing Born to Be Wild- and apparently only gave Quentin a sneak peek. It is kind of a Billy Idolesque turn..... Not really taking liberties with the melody. Maybe he is bored. Well, he rocked the chorus a little... This is really just a rock song that the little girls will like. That is who dials anyway, and the grown-ups that watch this for legitimate purposes need to remember that. Yeah, you don't get Adam. But your niece does. And she is a text machine. And if you are an adult watching this show with a legitimate interest in artistry, you are lame. There- I said it. Paula needs to change her panties- Simon calls it a little Rocky Horror - and Adam loves Rocky Horror ! Find that hard to believe. Ha. Also-in case you don't click through on the links- I insert funny, yet relevant pictures. So click.

Justin Timberlake guy is on Stool Time with Ryan. I don't know what he is saying because I am too busy telling the roomie about a horrible dream I had last night- So Quentin tells him to enunciate. Thank God. This man is a genius. Do we really have another Brian Adams song? Granted, "When You Love a Woman" is leaps and bounds better- oh God this is pitchy. Ugh. Well, at least Bryan Adams can make a little money in royalties and get some more microdermabrasion .

I have a date planned with my littlest sister to go see "17 Again." I hope she doesn't ditch me for her friends, because I really don't want to use one of my 'girl movie vouchers' that the boyf gave me for Christmas on that.

Danny Gokey- "Stool Time With Ryan" tells us that Gokey bought a guitar. He is such a poser. HAHAHA. "Endless LOVE." Did you know that he has a dead wife that is his endless love?!?! Fucking shit you stupid tool. I hate you .

I am in love with Kris. Officially. I don't know that song, because someone was talking... but it was great. Randy is worthless.

Lil is singing "The Rose." A big ballad from a power singer popular 15 years ago. Surprise! My father taught me a valuable lesson many years ago. "Marissa, there are people that get it, and people that don't. If they don't get it, they never will- and nothing you can do can force them to get it. " Very valuable lesson to learn. I am glad I found out early. It is helpful in choosing work and friend partners,etc. Helps with my frustration levels. Lil doesn't get it. She is so dated. It cracks me up that Paula is getting semi- legitimate criticism and talking about chords, and blah blah. Thank you Simon for calling her out again... And she gets defensive and says she put an R & B feel to it. Which is not true. AND fucking Paula quoting Dr.Suess . I want to stab her. Paula- we are running over- you had your chance- STFU.

I am irritated this week- and I hope tomorrow we can finally use that stupid judges save billshit, so we can stop hearing about it.

Maybe I will run into Scott in a coffee shop

So, I watch the show Lie to Me on Fox. I think it is a great way to pick up a few pointers in case someone tries to lie to me. The reason I bring this up is because, with ten minutes to go in the show, we got to see Seacrest in the control room, being counted in for his promo spot. Apparently this is their way of saying, "Hey, we effed up. We ran 8 minutes over and half of America missed the guy that is gonna win. Our bad, we will try to stay on top of it." Let's hope.

What is up with those gloves, Paula? I just remembered why I hate this recap show.... wait a minute. I was just about to bitch about some "Simon is old" montage, and then Frankie Avalon comes on stage. Paula and Kara are creaming their panties, as the contestants are surely saying "who is this old dude?" Wow. He is shorter than Ryan Seacrest.

Here we go with the group sing, in they year Idol was born (lame). Poor Scott. I think in big numbers like this, they need to give him the thing my mom latched on me in the mall when I was a toddler. It was two velcro wristbands connected by a bouncy cord. I feel like an asshole, but seriously. How is this going to work on tour, when they are on a different stage with a different layout every night? So, they are doing the group sing live tonight, prolly after a bunch of shit from the viewers, and I would like to say- bring it back. Please.

Now comes the part where they pretned like the Ford commercial is not a commercial, and part of the show. They take us behind the scenes. And Scott is hilarious. Not only does he joke with the stylist about not wanting anything pink (rewind to when Simon making fun of his pink pants ), and then he is killing time with a Simon impression. Rad. This guy is funny. If he had shown more of that, he would have had more of my heart. But he can't lipsynch worth a mother.

Apparently the mayor of the dumb town that the Justin Timberlake guy is from is in the crowd.

Let's get to the drama. Adam, Kris and Anoop, please stand. Let's give Adam some props, since we ran over last night... blah blah. Do Paula's earrings have the converse logo? Adam is safe. Duh. It is between Kris and ANoop for bottom three. It's Anoop, thank God. I finally pin pointed what he reminds me of. HE reminds me of that asshole in every political science lecture class I had in college that has to raise his hand and say something obvious so that he could let everyone know he was really smart. And then he ended up in your discussion class, and was even prickier, and your T.A. saw through it, and would roll his eyes, telling someone else to answer the question. And THEN some girl in your sorority would end up bringin him to your date party, and he would try to say hi, and pretend like he wasn't a total douche, when you knew better. Yeah, that's Anoop.

Okay. I hate FLO Rida. One reason is because of that stupid name. I can't remember what piece of shit song he was last famous for, but I asked my boyfriend who sang it via text message. He had to send two messages to clarify that while his name looked like a state, it was, in fact, a really fun play on words. My boyfriend is much more in tune with what the cool kids listen to. He did syndicated radio, so yeah. Another reason I don't like FLO Rida: he sucks. And this song is annoying, and I think it is about oral sex. I thought this was a family show. I had to lower the volume, because it was hurting my head. Things don't bode well for me though, because Kelly Pickler is up next.

I am feeling more on my game tonight. I guess that is what sleeping all day and some anti-biotics will do to you. ;)

Ugh, Danny Gokey. He is safe. Justin Timberlake guy is safe. Scott.... is not. Bottom three. and Ryan does a terrible job of man handling him across the stage. Terrible. They should practice that.

Allison.... Lil.... Allison is safe. Lil is bottom three, with reason. She should be a back up singer. She has no personalilty or stage presence. There, I said it.

I am not at all surprised by the bottom three. Now we talk about the "save." Apparently there is "one in particular" that they would contemplate saving. I don't think it is Scott. I am gonna say it is the one they have given about 28 minutes of criticism to over the passed few weeks. I am gonna say this.... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it sing a modern song and make it their own.

Kelli Pickler sucks. And that song was terrible.

Now we send one person to saftey...Lil is safe. Duh. Her grandpa spazzes out in the audience.

Okay, now one will have to sing for his life.... 30,000 votes sepertate...Scott is bottom. He looks like such a lost puppy, I feel bad for him. His sister looks so sad. He is singing it out, and the judges are openly talking, realizing he isn;t watching them. Paula is gonna cry. Sad. His mom is crying. This is gonna be rough.

Two people think he should stay... let me guess who. Omg... this is so painful..... he is practically begging, .... and simon pulls the band-aid. Of course that Danny Gokey piece of shit is the first to hug him. Just trying to get that extra camera time.

Paula gets the last word.... sugary sweet. Well- at least he will get a hug from Kelli Pickler. He can totally grope her and not get in trouble. THAT is the card I would play.

Rad part about living in the same state as the voted off contestant? Immediate interview... here it comes... no. wait. another 20 minutes. boo. sorry scott, people are waiting to read this. gtg. ;)

Amer- I- Can!

I didn't think I was going to make it in time for the beginning. I went to Target to pick up cat litter and tooth paste, and walked out with $78 worth of stuff. Darn you Target and your clean aisles, great use of color, and quality products at a reasonable price! The major time on this trip was spent trying to find two birthday cards. Birthday cards suck these days. I should start writing them. File that one away... I picked up a Wendy's mandarin chicken salad. Good Stuff. As I was rushing home, I heard IDOL calling out to me, in the form of the Jame Taylor version of "How Sweet It Is," no doubt Chris Kline's inspiration for his shit-tacular performance in American Pie.

So, I think I figured out how to make this show run on time.... eliminate the really lame multiple intros. Ryan walks through the contestants.... then the judges come out, and we have to hear lame feedback from last week, and vague predictions for tonight. Then we bring out the finalists AGAIN. Eliminate one or the other contestant intros, and this show ends on time.

Tonight's theme... "Anything that is popular on I-Tunes." I hope someone does Peanut Butter Jelly Time . What a totally broad category that will open the ability to fuck this up even more. Score. Insert lame and unnecessary trip to Ryan's radio studio. Great cross promotion.

Anoop is up first... "Caught Up." He is lame again. He is not sexy. And he makes this weird face where he pulls out his bottom chin like a bulldog, and does these totally exaggerated arm movements that are best used by the drag queens in the "Celebrity Revues." Boo. The other girl judge's critique is on point. "It seems like a bunch of frat boys dared you to get up there and do it." Cue the friends in the audience. What does Anoop have to say? "Their opinions are their opinions... I am trying to be an R and B artist.. blah blah," defensive and sassy with the judges. No good. While opinions are like assholes (everybody has one), you ARE an asshole, Anoop.

Megan the witch. What is that outfit in her video montage?! Lace period shirt with overalls? Whoop whoop! (flashing lights) Fashion police! She is going to butcher "Turn the Lights Down Low." Apparently Bob Marley and Lauren hill have done it. I have never heard it... and my life would be ok if I never did again. This was so terrible, it woke Baxter up from a nap on the couch. I like Kara more. She called her irritating. Paula looks like hell, and she is to old to be wearing glitter on her face. Apparently tonight, she is going to script everyone's performance for next week, and tell them what to do.

Whatever happened to opening the show with at least a decent performance? If I had approached this season like I normally do, and came in around this point to see what is up... I never would have come back. I would be watching 90210. The new one. Which I am missing. Because apparently people like my idol posts, and I seek validation. :D

Beyonce should not be an actress. Have we learned nothing from Goldmember?

Danny Gokey is in the chair. Ryan is gonna ask what he is gonna sing, and then he is gonna chose something lame and inspirational, because he has a dead wife. Ha- I was right. "What Hurts the Most." Hey, did you know that he has a dead wife? I think he forgot to mention that last week. Let's bring it back this week to ensure the vote. That way, this crappy song can be seen as "emotional," and not totally God Awful. Wow. He really works that "COME BACK TO ME!" line. Please cry. Please. I hope that if my future husband has a dream of being a rockstar, he chooses to exploit my tragic death and get himself to stardom. It would be such an honor. Surprise. Paula loves it. How does Simon get duped? I am so over this show tonight. I am gonna go get some cheese.

Okay the 16 year old. "Don't Speak." Done. Loved it. Here is my credit card to reserve the copy of her album. Randy has said the only on point thing he has said for the last three years. Her outfit was terrible. Maybe I loved the performance because I didn't see the outfit until I came back from the kitchen. Fucking Paula, calling her guitar her "axe." She is such a poser. Simon and I are in a fight tonight. Get over the outfit people! She is amazing. Holy Shit. I just became a fangirl.

Scott Macintyre is coming back with Billy Joel, one of my favorite artists ever. If he fucks this up.....

Text message- wow. Look at that. Joey found a shirt for our friend's wedding this weekend. Let's just hope he grabs the right pair of black pants from his closet,and I don't see him in pleats. I should have grabbed those when I had the chance and sent them to Goodwill... I love him, I do. But pleated pants?!?!

This glee club show looks pretty funny. And that girl kinda reminds me of Idina Menzel . In case you haven't noticed by now, I type AS I watch... Basically because I am a multi-takser.

Scott. "Just The Way You Are." Alright. If he fucks this up he better be ready for my wrath. His hair is kinda Richard Marx. You can tell that he sings church music. I don't really know how to explain that critique. There are some moments I really liked, and some that were okay, but overall I enjoyed it because I could feel his passion. What the hell am I becoming? I better go pee on a stick, because I am far too girly about this show right now. I apologize to all of my readers, I don't know what is wrong with me. Paula is so stupid. She is most proud of him out of all the contestants, not because of his challenge, but the fact that he works hard, and makes her forget his challenge. Simon makes a face, because that is total bullshit.


So the Justin Timberlake guy that was in the bottom three last week is up. I like his accent. He moved the piano off stage and into the audience. He is doing this weird bouncing thing that is awful. Oh. Because he is standing up and playing the keyboard. What a tool. I am not about this. He made the Fray even whinier. How is that possible? Do I even care what the judges think? Ha. Paula hates it. Too bad she can't speak English. Why does she stutter when she is saying something mean? Simon is on point. He said it felt "put on." We are not in a fight anymore. We made up. Snuggle.Simon just called Randy out for doing what he always does, saying the same thing that Simon does after he said it.

Lil. Singing Celine Dion. That dress is terrible. Hey, did you know that Lil has a big voice? I am sure you forgot after Heat Wave last week. But this week, with a Celine Dion power ballad, and the microphone center stage, and the evening gown, she is telling you she is serious about it. AND the kids are in the audience. Ha. Way to bring them out for the vote. The little girls are even matching. Hey- Randy- why don't you tell her ONE more time that she should sing Mary J. Blige. Maybe make one of those stupid signs that the people in the audience hold up. Ryan interviews her little girl. She fails the interview, and Ryan encourages violence. But then Lil Rounds cries when Randy hugs her daughter. She ain't going no where.

The emo kid is singing "Play That Funky Music." Those background graphics are awful. His hair is even more Elvis than last week. Hm. I feel weird. And he does this James Brown yell sing thing that makes me feel weird things. Not in my vangingo or anything- gay guys don't get me hot. His final note made Baxter roll over and look up in surprise. I LOL'd. Cue screaming tweens, and screaming Paula. Oh God." True Genius." She just compared him to Steven Tyler and Mic Jagger. And did so eloquently. It was odd. He finally pays credit to the band, that came up with the arrangement. He has done a good job of appealing to the tweens' moms by removing the piercings and nail polish. Guess he realized that is where the money really comes from to buy albums.

Final performance is Kris. I was in the other room when it started, and I forgot who he was. "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is one of my favorites. He is gonna bring out the piano and make it his own. Isn't that the blind guys' thing?! But it was really good. Randy is dumb. Kara learned how to count, Kenn . Definitely his best performance. Kris is cute.... That lip licking thing is nice.

Wait. it is 8:22... how are we rolling the reviews?!? Ew. Longer recaps. Megan sucks. Wow. Actually watching the 16 year old's performance, she IS precocious. Scott earned his spot this week. Lil Rounds would have been huge in 97. Adam Lambert is a genius. Not musically, but in the creating a marketing machine kinda way. That's what this show is about anyway. 3 minutes of recap. I want to kick Megan in the face.Shew is standing behind Ryan making the spaziest faces. Oh. We are running on time because of the Osbornes. Where is the clicker? Life was better when they went off the air.

I hope Megan is gone. Seriously, she is dealing with some super witch spells to keep herself on.

Gotta go finish my book for my book club meeting tomorrow!

Hi, I'm Marissa, and I am a TWD addict

I love places like Digg . And Stumble Upon. Basically because I can find interesting stories and links faster than my friends, with minimal effort, because someone has already done the research (Digg). As for Stumple Upon, I can find these things by hitting a buttton, and just having something pop into my face based on my pre-selected areas of interest : liberal politics, beer, satire, cooking, lolcats, etc. Then, I just have to hit "I Like It!" in my browser toolbar, and IT SAVES THE PAGE FOR ME. Try it. It is amazing. I gave you the link to my page, so that you can see all the lame shit that makes me happy. :)

THIS , I "digg" as well. If I actually created an account on Digg, I would give it a "thumbs up." I am a a person that TWD's. In case you are irritated taht I haven't explained the acronym, or were too lazy to open the article, it stands for "texting while driving." GASP. Yes, I am one of those assholes. I atleat try to respons at lights.... most of the time. Anyhow- those that live in Arizona know that it is slightly illegal, but not necessarily punishable unless you were caught doing something else. Kinda similar to the license plate cover law. But people in Maryland are taking it pretty seriously, and it is a misdemeanor.

I know better. I do. And there are people that I yell at on their cell phones that aren't paying attention to the road... so I am slightly hypocritical. You can ask my sisters and my mother though... I am getting better. Basically because it is harder on the Blackberry, and I can't one hand type any more. ;)

Idol Vote-Off

Let's keep this one brief, because this whole episode should be a half hour. If only I directed this show... Don't worry- the same sappy bullshit would still be on there- it would just end on time. Every time.

So, after the review, there is my favorite part of the wrap up show, the cheesy musical medley. There is a wrench into the wheel of cheese this year, as they have to choreograph around the blind guy. This week, it was a pre-produced medley, so with the terrible lip synching, etc, etc, I started to load the dishwasher. AH! That's why no one sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" last night, because they were saving it for this shit storm.

Insert cheesey Ford commercial that is disguised as part of the show here.

Insert slightly disappointing Joss Stone and Smokey duet.

So, here is the part where Ryan is cheesy, and does his dramatic shit. If I felt like paying Cox an additional $5 a month, I would be fuh-fuhing right now. But F them. They raise my rates every three months by $3. They don't get that extra 5. The guy who is gonna win the whole thing is safe... big surprise... Justin Timberlake guy is sa... holy shit. Bottom three. Apparently people didn't like him up from the piano. Then cheesy shit... blah blah. Vampire guy is bottom three. Then it is down to the Blind Guy and the Witch/Spaz. America surprises me, and the Blind Guy is bottom three. They parade him out there... he looks like he is gonna cry. Now I feel bad for making such fun of him... then- he is announced as safe. Phew. Now it is ok that I am an asshole. :) Joey(the boyf) says, "Yeah. I knew that was gonna happen. I talked to my sister earlier, and she said it was terrible, because they bring him out just to sit him back down." True, yet somehow awesome. Just letting him know that he needs to stop fucking around.

Insert my super awesome fresh strawberry dessert. :)

Snce we have to leave the results until 7:58.45, they bring out one of the kings of Motown, Stevie Wonder. Blind guy goes ape shit, and I am afraid he is gonna fall. He starts singing "Cherie Amour," and the stupid cast sings along. I hate that shit. Kris is especially offensive. And that witch girl is snapping off beat. Ugh. Stevie is awesome, and I am pretty sure that the only reason he agreed to perform is the blind guy. He was probably like "HOLY SHIT! How do I get a guest appearance? You're gonna have to tell me what this show is like, because I have never seen an episode. Haha. I love Stevie. One of my top ten faves.

I hate hell's kitchen. Never watch it. Promos turn me off.

Here we go... I dig this sing for survival shit... :) Record setting vote..... just not for Michael. DUH. Let's see him make his stupid pained faces for the last time. Has he gotten fatter? That shirt is awful. PAULA IS TOTALLY DANCING DISCO. I want just a little of the mix she is on. Only a little, because she has a much higher tolerance for that than me.... If it is possible, that performance was even worse than last night. After some babbling, Simon pulls off the band-aid.

Video montages KILL me. And Michael is enjoying every moment of it. Good for him, because his singing career is going to peak at the local hotel bar.

Idle Hands Are The Devil's Playthings.

I am coming into this a little late in the game, I know. I felt it time, however to blog about Idol. I will use the excuse that I wanted to wait until the top ten, because they are the only ones that go on tour.
Two thoughts on that: who actually buys tickets to the tour, and are they gonna make that blind guy dance?

Okay. First I need to share that I watch Idol for the pure entertainment of Paula being nuts, Simon saying exactly what I wish I could on a daily basis, and to see the contestants squirm. I do not pick a favorite, and vote, and say "Chris shouldn't have gone home so early!!" I used to.... in 2000.

So- here is my wrap up.

This is the first time I have seen that lame judge's intro- and it is gayer than that head band kid . How did Simon agree to this?

It is Motown night. One of my favorite genres, for sure. Now I just get to watch these hopefuls "make it their own," otherwise known as butchering it. Oh joy.

First up- the Justin Timberlake kid sings "Let's Get It On." He does a great job, but I am too pissed off at the fact that people always think of Marvin Gaye and think of that song. He is so much more than a karaoke song that frat boys drunkenly slur through. I digress.

Second- that kinda goofy, kinda cute, married too young kid. He sings another over done Marvin song, "How Sweet It Is." I wish I could find video of Chris Kline RUINING this song in American Pie. Because it was life altering for me, as I now can't hear that song without cringing. This Kris does it okay. I want to ask him though.... "Do you realize that you aren't actually playing the guitar? That you are merely strumming it, with no real chord changes or anything? And it isn't even MIKED!"

Third- The blind guy. Don't call me insensitive for referring to him that way. It is a much nicer nickname than I will give some of these tools. So, last week there was a drastic improvement because someone cut his Art Garfunkel hair . But this week, he is back to that open mouthed creepy smile. He can't see himself. Someone should tell him. I blame the "cute" brother. Bet he is tired of living in blind guy's shadow. Shit, get over it. You get to hold his hand, literally, across L.A. There is a quality to his voice that reminds me of George Michael, one of my all-time favorite artists. Srsly, Freedom 90 is one of the best songs ever. However, this guy also gives the George Michael vibe in that he is totally stuck in the 90's. Time to stop the pity vote, America.

Four- The creepy chick (Megan) that Kenn refers to as a witch . She likes to be "quirky." Tonight she sucked. After Kenn talking about her witch-like qualities.... I get nervous that she is going to turn Simon into a toad.

-Hannah Montana movie commercial. I am excited.-

Five- Finally, some original song choice. One of my favorites, "Ooh Baby, Baby." And Anoop did it justice. I didn't use to like him, but this little goober is growing on me. I also just like his name.

Six- Michael Sarver. I hate this tool. He looks like one of Joss Whedon's vampire creations . And that "down home simple man vibe" never lasts that long here. He does not listen to Smokey Robinson, ans he ruins "Ain't To Proud to Beg." But, it has been ruined on Idol before. I should have listed this song as on of the ones they ALWAYS do. He should have gone home last week. Simon is perfection.

Seven- Lil. It killed me last week when Simon kept calling her "little." Apparently, he has never heard it as short for Lilian. ;) Ugh. Heart strings crap... I hate it when these Idol people try to pay homage to, or honor the ones that paved the way. It always seems so disingenuous. Whatever. She isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Whoa.... the judges actually hated it too! Except Paula, because she is drunk. Also- why do we have to preface criticism by saying that someone looks great? It is so stupid, for lack of a better term. And btw. if she sings "Heat Wave," she shouldn't wear grey.

OMG! Olvia Newton John!

Eight- Now the kinda emo, old guys don't get it (because he is a little effeminate) but the tweens feel a little tingle in their vagingos guy is up. "Tracks of My Tears" is an AMAZING song. HOLY SHIT. He looks like Zac Effron in Hairspray! He always has chapped lips though... Not gonna go there. Just get some chapstick buddy. Smokey gives him a standing O. So does the new judge.
Side note- I hate Randy. He always pulls the "I said from the beginning..." he is so irrelevant, dog.

Nine- Now it is the guy with the dead wife. I missed the intro, because I had it on mute to watch an Alan Cumming video on Facebook. I love him. Great... now we get to see Danny Gokey's lame little dance moves. One of those back up girls looked like Kimberly Locke. What ever happened to her? That's right, Celebrity Fit Club. Let's place a "win" for her in the post Idol success category. Perhaps she actually did fall in love with the eighth world wonder. Sorry- you may have noticed that I purposely spaced out. Basically because I can't stand his "I just want to spread joy to the world" bullshit. Ha- Simon called him goofy and amateurish.

So, we are coming back with the final performer, the 16 year old girl with the voice aged beyond her years, in a good way... I am guessing she will knock it out.

Speaking of Zac Effron- I knew he was in a newer version of that Freaky Friday kind of thing, with just the dad getting younger, no swapping. BUT I didn't know Matthew Perry was in it! Rad. Also- Zac, good move on backing out of Footloose to pursue a more serious acting career.

Final- Allison. I freaking dig this girl. She doesn't take too many liberties, but rocks it. And I love that she kinda gives the new judge a "jeez lady, chill out" look when she creams her panties over her. Simon and Paula have a weird thing, and I think half the time Simon just whispers something retardo to out her off balance. Then pretend that he never said a thing, and Paula comes from the state of Wackadoo.

YOUR VOTE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER.... this Idol apparently will inherit a budget deficit and a recession... oh, no, wait. That was when we voted for President.


I hope the witch or the vampire go home.

I Need Ritalin

I have been so bogged down with meetings over the last few days, that I am effectively brain dead. Ooooh. Bad choice of words. Sorry Liam. :( Too soon... too soon.

So, in an effort to make me clear my head of randomness so that I can be productive, here are some thoughts, Larry King style.

- Simon Cowell is amazing. I think it is funny that the audience boos him when he is critical, but pisses themselves with excitement when he gives a compliment. I wish I had that power.

- Since my boyfriend and I live on opposite sides of town, we try to alternate homes each weekend. When people invite me to something on my side of town when it is his weekend, I am irritated.

- I hate the new facebook. I don't care if people post an "Easter Egg" on someone else's page. Now I can't delete it from my feed without deleting everything that person posts. Horse shit.

- I don't want to get fat feet and a fat(ter) ass when I am pregnant. Why are our bodies punished for bringing life into the universe?

- Why is no one talking about how that doctor shouldn't have put all those eggs in the octomom's basket? When did we forget that was insanity?

- I am usually more excited about March Madness. I think I still just miss Lute. But I think it is cool that we have a President that puts a bracket together, even if he has Arizona losing to Utah . Thank God he didn't put Duke to go all the way; I may have called my vote back.

- Why can't people just let Barack do his job? What ever happened to working together to figure things out? It was hilarious to me that people were afraid of him changing our political system so much, when he can barely get congress's approval for a bathroom break. People really need to educate themselves a little more, and stop listening to the talking heads who just say dumb shit for ratings. Whatever happened to the news?

- I volunteered to make dinner tonight. I still don't know what I am gonna make. It might be a game time decision at Fresh and Easy. That place is awesome.

- So, there is a guy that actually teaches a class on how to "look" busy at work. Can people not figure this out on their own?!?! It's called blogging. Get with the program. (I saw this on the news the other day- wish I had a link for you)

- I have to do something productive now... one last burst of energy at the end of the day.

It's Been a Long Time- Shouldn't Have Left You, Without a Dope Beat to Step to

GeeeeeZo! It has been over a week since I blogged last. I am an asshole. What have you been doing all this time... You probably just went on living your lives. It's cool.

So, here is a little more serious a topic. This weekend, I went to a friend's bachelorette getaway. I knew that it wasn't going to be the most smooth of weekends, as there were 11 girls hanging out. And at least two of them bring drama with them wherever they go. I expected this. Don't get me wrong, it was a blast! I made some new friends, relaxed by the pool, and sent my friend off into married lady land with a bang. There was only one thing that was really wrong. The two pre designated drama makers did just that. And the married one nearly cheated on her husband. (I will pause while you all gasp, and get comfortable to read the rest).

Our hotel was great, everything we needed was there (minus a mcdonalds). Food, pool, club, etc. It was great to never leave. On Friday night, we all got in. After some awesome sushi, we went upstairs to get a little pre-drinking action on, and ended up meeting a bachelor party just a few doors down. As most of those guys were married/committed, and most of us were the same we took a liking to each other. It was comfortable and fun, without the "aww yeahh, I'm gonna get some" vibe in the air. We all went down to the club to party. That is where we lost some people. One was drunk and wandered back to the room. She was fine. No worries. Two others decided to go on a man hunting mission. Cool, whatever... but one was married. At the end of the night, we found out that she had ended her evening in the hot tub with a random dude. HUH!?

The room I was in (the coolest of all of them), could not get over this. What would possess you to get into a hot tub ALONE with someone that was not your husband? ESPECIALLY if you were hammered. This was the rumbling all day.

When we all finally gathered for dinner on Saturday, the tension was palpable. At first, I thought it might just be my room that was upset, and then I found out that pretty much everyone was pissed. Especially after the douchebag guy in question came to the married skank at dinner, and smooched and fondled all over her. Done. We were over it. Especially since her husband is the only reason anyone talks to this skeeze (otherwise, she basically sucks at life). Then she and her partner in crime head over to the bar with McDouche to go chat up some other dudes, including a basketball star.

I could give a play by play... but it would make you puke. Fast forward to the night at the club. We have all now made it there, but again lose the skeeze. One of my new friends and I decide to go on a spy mission. We are the two that are not connected to the group, and the obligatory nature of it, so we figure, if we see her doing something shady, we can call her out. We don't have to see her again, what the hell. Instead, we find pure word vomit from McDouche.

McDouche is entertaining a table of guys, and does not see/recognize us. We stand there, pretending to apply gloss, look at the pictures from the evening, etc. Here is his story:

"So last night, I am in the hot tub with this chick. She is in her thong and bra, and we head upstairs. I am PRAYING that no one is in my room. We open the door, and there is my friendly fucking roommate. He's all "hey guys!" and I'm like, "fuck." Then he's all, "are you guys hungry!?" and she's all "yeah!" and we order roomservice. She was hot yo, and all my friends were like, "dude, how'd you land that chick?" and I was all "right?!!" She is here with a bachelorette party and they are all Delicious. I could go point her out to you, she's inside. I have about like, 25 girls I chatted up today. Let's finish this smoke, get another drink and then check out the chicks."

At this point, the guys he is entertaining understand that he is a total tool. And say.... "nah man, I think we are gonna leave."

We immediately go inside and share our info. One of the girls lets the skeeze know that McDouche is telling everyone at the bar how he was this close to banging her.... her response: "but we didn't even kiss." Wait, what? Ohhh... that's right... there's the whole clause of if you are in your thong in a hot tub with a stranger letting him grope you, and then take you upstairs it is totally cool as long as there was no kissing. Forgive me, I forgot that one. You're off the hook skeeze. (pause) NOT!

A big drama fest ensued, with the maid of honor telling her she would punch her in the face if she hurt the husband. The other bridesmaid quite matter of factly told her that her actions were inappropriate. She of course, decided that she would be mad at that one, you know, the one that wouldn't kick her ass. More girl drama bullshit- "we're leaving first thing in the morning, blah blah....."

She called her husband that night to tell her version of the story, and prepare him for the possible onslaught of angry calls. Don't know if it happened.

I think it is disgusting. How bout YOU!?!?

I'm not really listening

I am becoming more like my father every day. I just don't really have the time/desire to listen to rambling stories. Even though I ramble myself.... Well, at least my stories are interesting. ;) Here are a few times that I can tell you, with about 95% certainty, that I am NOT listening:

- I walk into your office with a strict purpose, and you chose to discuss something totally unrelated, at length.

- Your story fails to get to a point... OR you have a point, but tell the story in such a monotonous way, that I can't tell when you are getting to the end of it... so that I can pretend like I was listening.

- If I have heard this story before.

- If I am watching television.

- If I am on facebook.

- If I am changing lanes on the freeway.

- If you have called, and I answer (knowing that sending you to voice mail is not an option)- immediately telling you that I am making dinner, in the bathroom, etc - and you chose to spend more than your allotted 45 seconds to tell me why you are calling.

- If I know that I will never be held accountable for remembering it.

- If I know that I am going to hear it again... either by just merely being present when you are telling someone else, or you forgetting you told me in the first place.


So, I am kind of a jerk like that. I don't find it irrational though, to ask of you to speak briefly, or at the very least, make it interesting. As someone who has a tendency to ramble, I have learned to "know my audience." I ask you to do the same.

;)