Idol Recap- Ten Pipers Piping

We begin with a really awkward backstage bit, probably to add "spice to the show." It is really just forced, and quite odd when Ryan tells the judges to kiss each other.

I always wondered what the people who sit behind BEHIND the assholes with the big signs think about having a neon pink piece of cardboard dancing in front of their face multiple times throughout two hours. If the sign is as shabbily made as some of these, I would be pissed. At least put some effort into it.

Randy wins the cardigan sweater this week.

Fresh off his latest Michael Jackson tribute, Usher is this week's mentor. Siobhan geeks out. Usher jokes that he will be critical, but he realizes this is just an opportunity to sell albums- so why show his nasty side? Ryan looks like a big nerd with his sunglasses, because he wants to be cool like Usher and wear sunglasses inside. The only time I do that is when I am hungover. Do you think it is coincidence that there are pretty girls sitting behind Usher, in camera sight? Sorry uggos- you have to sit in the back row, in the corner. No one wants you on tv.

Siobhan- I just found out that my mom loves this weirdo. She is performing "Through the Fire," and Usher was shocked that she had the voice to back it up. He talked to her about her wardrobe choice, without saying "bitch what the HELL are you wearing. freak." She seems to be singing kind of off the beat, and it is PITCHY. Really pitchy. The back up singers are not amused, and dogs in the neighborhood are covering their ears with their paws. Her Missy Elliot boots look stupid. Randy thinks it is kinda rough, and Ellen makes another metaphor, this time about getting lost hiking. Kara said her lower register wasn't there, and she is entitled to a free pass because she has been so awesome. Simon basically tells her she looks like an idiot, sounded terrible and he is sick of the screaming at the end. Ryan tries to get Siobhan's thoughts because she thought she was taking a risk. Then we get to hear the judges give the same feedback they JUST gave, which will undoubtedly put us over. Ryan- you should know better than to ask the judges a questions after their allotted time.

More behind the scenes footage shows Siobhan waling back in a trance.

Casey- "Hold On, I'm Coming." And gets a thumbs up and head nod from Usher. That's about it. Back up singers have moved to the other side of the stage in order to bring in the trumpets and such. Casey is sometimes playing guitar, and the rest of the time it just hangs there limply. Why bother bringing it out? Oh----- so he could have a rock out solo towards the end. I bet Randy will say it was great, even though he is the one that always sells this as a SINGING competition. If you still think that, I've got a time share in the Bahamas I would like to talk to you about. Randy loved it, duh. Ellen said it felt generic, and gets boo'd. Kara talks about his range, and he needs to pick a song that has some more umph, and isn't so simple. Simon says it was great- and showed a different side. The judges look like they are going to KILL him. Because he was happy? Weirdos.

Big Mike is singing "Ready for Love," a song I have never heard of. Usher tells us that chicks dig a guy that can sing and plan guitar. No shit?!?! He tells Big Mike to play to the audience, and into the camera. Which is something that Miley told him to do last week, and something that Mike has always done. These mentors are really top notch. Mike is singing on a stool behind the judges, which is kinda weird. And as my mom pointed out "how can he look at the audience if he has his eyes closed?" The audience is doing the lame hand waving shit, which is weird. Randy loved it, and so did Ellen. Why don't they just take turns, since they say the same thing. Kara loved it and totally geeks out on him. Simon can finally take him seriously, and cue Usher looking like a proud papa. And now has two bodyguards sitting next to him. Some fans musta gotten crazy during the break.

Didi- since I have been spelling her name wrong. Thanks for not attacking me about it. She is singing "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted," and totally broke down at the end, and Usher says to bring the emotion earlier, so the audience can feel it. She looks beautiful, and her dress is killer. Red carpet glam. The performance is pretty basic, until she does this desperate pleading at the end. Randy said he performance was flat, and he didn't get it. Ellen said it was way dramatic, and Kara agrees that it is overdone. She says she doesn't know who she is. Simon said it was like like swimming in jelly, and he is basically over her. He then makes reference to her dancing show that butchers songs. Hilar. Then there is this really awkward exchange where Ryan asks her to explain why she chose it, and she beats around the bush and he pokes more, and he realizes she won't explain- so he tells everyone that she was singing the song FOR someone and he will leave it at that. We'll see if people share anymore secrets with YOU Ryan.

Awkward stool time with Tim- they have this interesting conversation about Tim being called Teflon Tim. He is singing "Sweet Love, " and Usher tells him he doesn't believe him. He is supposed to then imagine Usher is his love interest, and that doesn't work so much either. Uh oh, Tim is on the stairs- so you know he is serious. This wide eyed thing is really creepy. Like he is watching me undress. Kinda stalkerish. But- chicks dig Edward Cullen, so this might work to his advantage. I have a feeling he might be this season's Sanjaya. Randy called him a singing waiter, but complimented him for singing in tune. Ellen calls out an apparent drinking game where people drink every time she called him adorable, and says it a few times for their benefit, because it won't happen again. She then echoes my sentiment that he is a creeper. Kara says he sucked the soul out of it, and Tim laughs. Simon tells him it was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, because he has no chance of winning. But he says that he can keep laughing, because it doesn't matter- because the girls will vote, and he will be here next week anyway.

Ryan has lost his mind. I think his 429 jobs are finally taking a toll.

Andrew is singing "Forever" by the girlfriend beater. And Usher told him he was acting like a nervous spaz and that he needed to do it again and connect. I am glad that he is doing this a little acoustic and different, because Chris Brown is dead to me, and hearing his voice fills me with rage. Wait, double your pleasure double your fun are the REAL lyrics? I thought he just did that for the gum commercial. Lame. Randy proclaims that "Andrew is back!" Ellen talks about him smiling. And the dentist. Kara says it is a giant leap in the right direction. Simon said it was miles better, but that he is boring. In order to take the show to another level of crazy, Ryan asks Andrew's mom what she thinks- and encourages her to say something in Spanish into his microphone. Ryan is high.

Katie Stephens talks about some time that she met Usher at Universal, and he got escorted away by security. She is singing "Chain of Fools," which is way old- and doesn't help her need to be younger. Usher tells her to connect with the audience. Her hair looks stupid. Like a pasty white girl trying to be street, and the hoop earrings are too much. And that outfit makes her look pregnant. I am only commenting on the outfit because we all know she can sing. But she is otherwise boring, proving again that this is not a singing competition. Randy says she has the pipes, but needs to connect. Ellen says she needs to be current. DUH. Kara says the vocals were great but she needs to make it more commercial. Simon thinks it is robotic and Star Search. Then everyone yells about how Simon is wrong and doesn't know anything, and he laughs all the way to the bank.

Awkward stool time with Lee Deweyze. I forgot he was still on this show. "Treat Her Like a Lady," is what he has chosen, and Usher thinks it is a special treat. Usher tells him to won it, just like the judges have been telling him for weeks now. He has totally removed the cheesy do-wop from the song and rocked it up. I dig. Randy yells, which means he liked it. Ellen too. Kara says i was amazing. Simon says he has always believed in him, and he has been a disappointment up until this point- but he needs to go home tonight and watch it, because it was the performance that may have changed his life forever.

Would it be possible to have two performances without a break? GLEE IN TWO WEEKS!!!!

Crystal is called out by Usher, who tells her to play the piano instead of playing the guitar. Usher loves her, and begins to speak very mellow, as if they shared some reefer before. "Midnight Train to Georgia" is her somg for tonight, and it suits her voice nicely. She is obviously safe, so that is all you will get from me. Oh Shit- she stood up from the piano, and is connecting with the audience. Randy name drops, saying that Gladys would love it. Ellen says she is in it to win it. Kara is a proud mama. Simon says the choice was sensational, and her vocals were incredible. But he does say that the back up vocalists needed to not be there, and it makes it someone she isn't. Since she knows who she is, he tells her not to get sucked into the machine.

Is it just me, or has this been the longest episode ever? I really like these tampon commercials that make fun of how lame tampon commercials are. Who wears white pants on their period? Not just because of the obvious reason.... but because you feel like a fat whale, and white pants aren't exactly slimming.

Aaron is singing "Ain't Know Sunshine" and Usher tells him the "I Know, I Know" part needs to be more personal. Usher says he could do well if he plays his cards right. Well, since he is the last performance, I have to assume he did alright. His jacket has a really big hood, as if he is prepared for a rainstorm. Meh. Exactly what I thought it would be. Randy said something I didn't hear because my mom was talking. She seems to forget that I need to hear this. :/ The other two are meh. Simon said that he has heard it sung much better, including on this show- but he is safe.

Siobhan's performance is even worse in the recap. I can't remember how to say her name, because in my head, I call her Sybian. Thank you Howard Stern.

I hope someone is driving Ryan home. That dude is on something, and I want to make sure he gets a glass of water, a sandwich, and gets put to bed.