So, I watch the show Lie to Me on Fox. I think it is a great way to pick up a few pointers in case someone tries to lie to me. The reason I bring this up is because, with ten minutes to go in the show, we got to see Seacrest in the control room, being counted in for his promo spot. Apparently this is their way of saying, "Hey, we effed up. We ran 8 minutes over and half of America missed the guy that is gonna win. Our bad, we will try to stay on top of it." Let's hope.
What is up with those gloves, Paula? I just remembered why I hate this recap show.... wait a minute. I was just about to bitch about some "Simon is old" montage, and then Frankie Avalon comes on stage. Paula and Kara are creaming their panties, as the contestants are surely saying "who is this old dude?" Wow. He is shorter than Ryan Seacrest.
Here we go with the group sing, in they year Idol was born (lame). Poor Scott. I think in big numbers like this, they need to give him the thing my mom latched on me in the mall when I was a toddler. It was two velcro wristbands connected by a bouncy cord. I feel like an asshole, but seriously. How is this going to work on tour, when they are on a different stage with a different layout every night? So, they are doing the group sing live tonight, prolly after a bunch of shit from the viewers, and I would like to say- bring it back. Please.
Now comes the part where they pretned like the Ford commercial is not a commercial, and part of the show. They take us behind the scenes. And Scott is hilarious. Not only does he joke with the stylist about not wanting anything pink (rewind to when Simon making fun of his pink pants ), and then he is killing time with a Simon impression. Rad. This guy is funny. If he had shown more of that, he would have had more of my heart. But he can't lipsynch worth a mother.
Apparently the mayor of the dumb town that the Justin Timberlake guy is from is in the crowd.
Let's get to the drama. Adam, Kris and Anoop, please stand. Let's give Adam some props, since we ran over last night... blah blah. Do Paula's earrings have the converse logo? Adam is safe. Duh. It is between Kris and ANoop for bottom three. It's Anoop, thank God. I finally pin pointed what he reminds me of. HE reminds me of that asshole in every political science lecture class I had in college that has to raise his hand and say something obvious so that he could let everyone know he was really smart. And then he ended up in your discussion class, and was even prickier, and your T.A. saw through it, and would roll his eyes, telling someone else to answer the question. And THEN some girl in your sorority would end up bringin him to your date party, and he would try to say hi, and pretend like he wasn't a total douche, when you knew better. Yeah, that's Anoop.
Okay. I hate FLO Rida. One reason is because of that stupid name. I can't remember what piece of shit song he was last famous for, but I asked my boyfriend who sang it via text message. He had to send two messages to clarify that while his name looked like a state, it was, in fact, a really fun play on words. My boyfriend is much more in tune with what the cool kids listen to. He did syndicated radio, so yeah. Another reason I don't like FLO Rida: he sucks. And this song is annoying, and I think it is about oral sex. I thought this was a family show. I had to lower the volume, because it was hurting my head. Things don't bode well for me though, because Kelly Pickler is up next.
I am feeling more on my game tonight. I guess that is what sleeping all day and some anti-biotics will do to you. ;)
Ugh, Danny Gokey. He is safe. Justin Timberlake guy is safe. Scott.... is not. Bottom three. and Ryan does a terrible job of man handling him across the stage. Terrible. They should practice that.
Allison.... Lil.... Allison is safe. Lil is bottom three, with reason. She should be a back up singer. She has no personalilty or stage presence. There, I said it.
I am not at all surprised by the bottom three. Now we talk about the "save." Apparently there is "one in particular" that they would contemplate saving. I don't think it is Scott. I am gonna say it is the one they have given about 28 minutes of criticism to over the passed few weeks. I am gonna say this.... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it sing a modern song and make it their own.
Kelli Pickler sucks. And that song was terrible.
Now we send one person to saftey...Lil is safe. Duh. Her grandpa spazzes out in the audience.
Okay, now one will have to sing for his life.... 30,000 votes sepertate...Scott is bottom. He looks like such a lost puppy, I feel bad for him. His sister looks so sad. He is singing it out, and the judges are openly talking, realizing he isn;t watching them. Paula is gonna cry. Sad. His mom is crying. This is gonna be rough.
Two people think he should stay... let me guess who. Omg... this is so painful..... he is practically begging, .... and simon pulls the band-aid. Of course that Danny Gokey piece of shit is the first to hug him. Just trying to get that extra camera time.
Paula gets the last word.... sugary sweet. Well- at least he will get a hug from Kelli Pickler. He can totally grope her and not get in trouble. THAT is the card I would play.
Rad part about living in the same state as the voted off contestant? Immediate interview... here it comes... no. wait. another 20 minutes. boo. sorry scott, people are waiting to read this. gtg. ;)
I didn't think I was going to make it in time for the beginning. I went to Target to pick up cat litter and tooth paste, and walked out with $78 worth of stuff. Darn you Target and your clean aisles, great use of color, and quality products at a reasonable price! The major time on this trip was spent trying to find two birthday cards. Birthday cards suck these days. I should start writing them. File that one away... I picked up a Wendy's mandarin chicken salad. Good Stuff. As I was rushing home, I heard IDOL calling out to me, in the form of the Jame Taylor version of "How Sweet It Is," no doubt Chris Kline's inspiration for his shit-tacular performance in American Pie.
So, I think I figured out how to make this show run on time.... eliminate the really lame multiple intros. Ryan walks through the contestants.... then the judges come out, and we have to hear lame feedback from last week, and vague predictions for tonight. Then we bring out the finalists AGAIN. Eliminate one or the other contestant intros, and this show ends on time.
Tonight's theme... "Anything that is popular on I-Tunes." I hope someone does Peanut Butter Jelly Time . What a totally broad category that will open the ability to fuck this up even more. Score. Insert lame and unnecessary trip to Ryan's radio studio. Great cross promotion.
Anoop is up first... "Caught Up." He is lame again. He is not sexy. And he makes this weird face where he pulls out his bottom chin like a bulldog, and does these totally exaggerated arm movements that are best used by the drag queens in the "Celebrity Revues." Boo. The other girl judge's critique is on point. "It seems like a bunch of frat boys dared you to get up there and do it." Cue the friends in the audience. What does Anoop have to say? "Their opinions are their opinions... I am trying to be an R and B artist.. blah blah," defensive and sassy with the judges. No good. While opinions are like assholes (everybody has one), you ARE an asshole, Anoop.
Megan the witch. What is that outfit in her video montage?! Lace period shirt with overalls? Whoop whoop! (flashing lights) Fashion police! She is going to butcher "Turn the Lights Down Low." Apparently Bob Marley and Lauren hill have done it. I have never heard it... and my life would be ok if I never did again. This was so terrible, it woke Baxter up from a nap on the couch. I like Kara more. She called her irritating. Paula looks like hell, and she is to old to be wearing glitter on her face. Apparently tonight, she is going to script everyone's performance for next week, and tell them what to do.
Whatever happened to opening the show with at least a decent performance? If I had approached this season like I normally do, and came in around this point to see what is up... I never would have come back. I would be watching 90210. The new one. Which I am missing. Because apparently people like my idol posts, and I seek validation. :D
Beyonce should not be an actress. Have we learned nothing from Goldmember?
Danny Gokey is in the chair. Ryan is gonna ask what he is gonna sing, and then he is gonna chose something lame and inspirational, because he has a dead wife. Ha- I was right. "What Hurts the Most." Hey, did you know that he has a dead wife? I think he forgot to mention that last week. Let's bring it back this week to ensure the vote. That way, this crappy song can be seen as "emotional," and not totally God Awful. Wow. He really works that "COME BACK TO ME!" line. Please cry. Please. I hope that if my future husband has a dream of being a rockstar, he chooses to exploit my tragic death and get himself to stardom. It would be such an honor. Surprise. Paula loves it. How does Simon get duped? I am so over this show tonight. I am gonna go get some cheese.
Okay the 16 year old. "Don't Speak." Done. Loved it. Here is my credit card to reserve the copy of her album. Randy has said the only on point thing he has said for the last three years. Her outfit was terrible. Maybe I loved the performance because I didn't see the outfit until I came back from the kitchen. Fucking Paula, calling her guitar her "axe." She is such a poser. Simon and I are in a fight tonight. Get over the outfit people! She is amazing. Holy Shit. I just became a fangirl.
Scott Macintyre is coming back with Billy Joel, one of my favorite artists ever. If he fucks this up.....
Text message- wow. Look at that. Joey found a shirt for our friend's wedding this weekend. Let's just hope he grabs the right pair of black pants from his closet,and I don't see him in pleats. I should have grabbed those when I had the chance and sent them to Goodwill... I love him, I do. But pleated pants?!?!
This glee club show looks pretty funny. And that girl kinda reminds me of Idina Menzel . In case you haven't noticed by now, I type AS I watch... Basically because I am a multi-takser.
Scott. "Just The Way You Are." Alright. If he fucks this up he better be ready for my wrath. His hair is kinda Richard Marx. You can tell that he sings church music. I don't really know how to explain that critique. There are some moments I really liked, and some that were okay, but overall I enjoyed it because I could feel his passion. What the hell am I becoming? I better go pee on a stick, because I am far too girly about this show right now. I apologize to all of my readers, I don't know what is wrong with me. Paula is so stupid. She is most proud of him out of all the contestants, not because of his challenge, but the fact that he works hard, and makes her forget his challenge. Simon makes a face, because that is total bullshit.
So the Justin Timberlake guy that was in the bottom three last week is up. I like his accent. He moved the piano off stage and into the audience. He is doing this weird bouncing thing that is awful. Oh. Because he is standing up and playing the keyboard. What a tool. I am not about this. He made the Fray even whinier. How is that possible? Do I even care what the judges think? Ha. Paula hates it. Too bad she can't speak English. Why does she stutter when she is saying something mean? Simon is on point. He said it felt "put on." We are not in a fight anymore. We made up. Snuggle.Simon just called Randy out for doing what he always does, saying the same thing that Simon does after he said it.
Lil. Singing Celine Dion. That dress is terrible. Hey, did you know that Lil has a big voice? I am sure you forgot after Heat Wave last week. But this week, with a Celine Dion power ballad, and the microphone center stage, and the evening gown, she is telling you she is serious about it. AND the kids are in the audience. Ha. Way to bring them out for the vote. The little girls are even matching. Hey- Randy- why don't you tell her ONE more time that she should sing Mary J. Blige. Maybe make one of those stupid signs that the people in the audience hold up. Ryan interviews her little girl. She fails the interview, and Ryan encourages violence. But then Lil Rounds cries when Randy hugs her daughter. She ain't going no where.
The emo kid is singing "Play That Funky Music." Those background graphics are awful. His hair is even more Elvis than last week. Hm. I feel weird. And he does this James Brown yell sing thing that makes me feel weird things. Not in my vangingo or anything- gay guys don't get me hot. His final note made Baxter roll over and look up in surprise. I LOL'd. Cue screaming tweens, and screaming Paula. Oh God." True Genius." She just compared him to Steven Tyler and Mic Jagger. And did so eloquently. It was odd. He finally pays credit to the band, that came up with the arrangement. He has done a good job of appealing to the tweens' moms by removing the piercings and nail polish. Guess he realized that is where the money really comes from to buy albums.
Final performance is Kris. I was in the other room when it started, and I forgot who he was. "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is one of my favorites. He is gonna bring out the piano and make it his own. Isn't that the blind guys' thing?! But it was really good. Randy is dumb. Kara learned how to count, Kenn . Definitely his best performance. Kris is cute.... That lip licking thing is nice.
Wait. it is 8:22... how are we rolling the reviews?!? Ew. Longer recaps. Megan sucks. Wow. Actually watching the 16 year old's performance, she IS precocious. Scott earned his spot this week. Lil Rounds would have been huge in 97. Adam Lambert is a genius. Not musically, but in the creating a marketing machine kinda way. That's what this show is about anyway. 3 minutes of recap. I want to kick Megan in the face.Shew is standing behind Ryan making the spaziest faces. Oh. We are running on time because of the Osbornes. Where is the clicker? Life was better when they went off the air.
I hope Megan is gone. Seriously, she is dealing with some super witch spells to keep herself on.
Gotta go finish my book for my book club meeting tomorrow!
I am coming into this a little late in the game, I know. I felt it time, however to blog about Idol. I will use the excuse that I wanted to wait until the top ten, because they are the only ones that go on tour.
Two thoughts on that: who actually buys tickets to the tour, and are they gonna make that blind guy dance?
Okay. First I need to share that I watch Idol for the pure entertainment of Paula being nuts, Simon saying exactly what I wish I could on a daily basis, and to see the contestants squirm. I do not pick a favorite, and vote, and say "Chris shouldn't have gone home so early!!" I used to.... in 2000.
So- here is my wrap up.
This is the first time I have seen that lame judge's intro- and it is gayer than that head band kid . How did Simon agree to this?
It is Motown night. One of my favorite genres, for sure. Now I just get to watch these hopefuls "make it their own," otherwise known as butchering it. Oh joy.
First up- the Justin Timberlake kid sings "Let's Get It On." He does a great job, but I am too pissed off at the fact that people always think of Marvin Gaye and think of that song. He is so much more than a karaoke song that frat boys drunkenly slur through. I digress.
Second- that kinda goofy, kinda cute, married too young kid. He sings another over done Marvin song, "How Sweet It Is." I wish I could find video of Chris Kline RUINING this song in American Pie. Because it was life altering for me, as I now can't hear that song without cringing. This Kris does it okay. I want to ask him though.... "Do you realize that you aren't actually playing the guitar? That you are merely strumming it, with no real chord changes or anything? And it isn't even MIKED!"
Third- The blind guy. Don't call me insensitive for referring to him that way. It is a much nicer nickname than I will give some of these tools. So, last week there was a drastic improvement because someone cut his Art Garfunkel hair . But this week, he is back to that open mouthed creepy smile. He can't see himself. Someone should tell him. I blame the "cute" brother. Bet he is tired of living in blind guy's shadow. Shit, get over it. You get to hold his hand, literally, across L.A. There is a quality to his voice that reminds me of George Michael, one of my all-time favorite artists. Srsly, Freedom 90 is one of the best songs ever. However, this guy also gives the George Michael vibe in that he is totally stuck in the 90's. Time to stop the pity vote, America.
Four- The creepy chick (Megan) that Kenn refers to as a witch . She likes to be "quirky." Tonight she sucked. After Kenn talking about her witch-like qualities.... I get nervous that she is going to turn Simon into a toad.
-Hannah Montana movie commercial. I am excited.-
Five- Finally, some original song choice. One of my favorites, "Ooh Baby, Baby." And Anoop did it justice. I didn't use to like him, but this little goober is growing on me. I also just like his name.
Six- Michael Sarver. I hate this tool. He looks like one of Joss Whedon's vampire creations . And that "down home simple man vibe" never lasts that long here. He does not listen to Smokey Robinson, ans he ruins "Ain't To Proud to Beg." But, it has been ruined on Idol before. I should have listed this song as on of the ones they ALWAYS do. He should have gone home last week. Simon is perfection.
Seven- Lil. It killed me last week when Simon kept calling her "little." Apparently, he has never heard it as short for Lilian. ;) Ugh. Heart strings crap... I hate it when these Idol people try to pay homage to, or honor the ones that paved the way. It always seems so disingenuous. Whatever. She isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Whoa.... the judges actually hated it too! Except Paula, because she is drunk. Also- why do we have to preface criticism by saying that someone looks great? It is so stupid, for lack of a better term. And btw. if she sings "Heat Wave," she shouldn't wear grey.
OMG! Olvia Newton John!
Eight- Now the kinda emo, old guys don't get it (because he is a little effeminate) but the tweens feel a little tingle in their vagingos guy is up. "Tracks of My Tears" is an AMAZING song. HOLY SHIT. He looks like Zac Effron in Hairspray! He always has chapped lips though... Not gonna go there. Just get some chapstick buddy. Smokey gives him a standing O. So does the new judge.
Side note- I hate Randy. He always pulls the "I said from the beginning..." he is so irrelevant, dog.
Nine- Now it is the guy with the dead wife. I missed the intro, because I had it on mute to watch an Alan Cumming video on Facebook. I love him. Great... now we get to see Danny Gokey's lame little dance moves. One of those back up girls looked like Kimberly Locke. What ever happened to her? That's right, Celebrity Fit Club. Let's place a "win" for her in the post Idol success category. Perhaps she actually did fall in love with the eighth world wonder. Sorry- you may have noticed that I purposely spaced out. Basically because I can't stand his "I just want to spread joy to the world" bullshit. Ha- Simon called him goofy and amateurish.
So, we are coming back with the final performer, the 16 year old girl with the voice aged beyond her years, in a good way... I am guessing she will knock it out.
Speaking of Zac Effron- I knew he was in a newer version of that Freaky Friday kind of thing, with just the dad getting younger, no swapping. BUT I didn't know Matthew Perry was in it! Rad. Also- Zac, good move on backing out of Footloose to pursue a more serious acting career.
Final- Allison. I freaking dig this girl. She doesn't take too many liberties, but rocks it. And I love that she kinda gives the new judge a "jeez lady, chill out" look when she creams her panties over her. Simon and Paula have a weird thing, and I think half the time Simon just whispers something retardo to out her off balance. Then pretend that he never said a thing, and Paula comes from the state of Wackadoo.
YOUR VOTE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER.... this Idol apparently will inherit a budget deficit and a recession... oh, no, wait. That was when we voted for President.
I hope the witch or the vampire go home.
Posts
