What a Difference A Year Makes

Here I sit, recently showered and clean from mud that filled (almost) every crevice following my latest mud run. I say latest because my life as of late seems to be scheduled around the next crazy, wild, themed race. In the past year I have become a Dirty Girl, a Spartan Chick and today I became a Warrior. If you have facebook/instagram/twitter stalked me over the past year, you may have seen a change… but you may not have known the reason behind it. If you want the unabridged, raw and honest reason for it, you can click through here. If you want the abridged (or tl;dr) version here it is: April 28, 2012 I made the decision to change my life. I watched as my friends competed in a race I was too scared to join them for, and I felt like a failure who was sitting on the sidelines of my own life. I decided I never wanted to feel that way ever again. Today, 15 days short of a year later, not only did I complete that race, some may say that I crushed it. :)

There are many physical changes that you can see. Down 3-4 pants sizes, 50+ lbs, and I’m working on that 6 pack. But the changes that keep me motivated are the changes in my view of myself in this world. I’ve always been the slightly (ok, incredibly) goofy girl with a big heart and a lot of feelings. At some point along the line, she was replaced by an insecure, neurotic mess who shut herself away from the world. More on that in the long blog that you may or may not have clicked through before. What matters now is that the fun loving goofball is back. And she brought with her an excitement for life, a confidence that is rarely shaken, and a pride in herself and everything she has accomplished. For longer than I like to admit, I shied away from life and all its experiences because I wasn’t comfortable with my physical shape and I let it overtake me. Now, I embrace new challenges and new experiences. I don’t sit with my cat and a bottle of wine (and a plate of nachos, let’s be honest) watching Cold Case on a Friday night, pretending it’s what I wanted to be doing.

The road here hasn’t been easy. There was a blog about that too, complete with progress pics. I am so eternally grateful for the support of my friends, family and anyone who has ever been on a race track with me.  To those that say I inspire them, I honestly don’t know how to respond. Your kindness keeps me motivated, and I want to keep making you proud.

So if there is a change you have wanted to make, and you have been too scared to take the step, do it. Don’t wait. Because a year from now, imagine where you could be. When you love yourself for who you are and what you bring to the world, it’s pretty incredible what you can accomplish.

xoxo

Redemption Run, and Other Interesting Notes on Weight Loss

Holy cow. Apparently I wrote this post almost 5 months ago. And since my "redemption run" has come and gone, I figured I would update anyone interested in my progress.

I have lost 43lbs since May 1.

Since the top question is, "omg, how'd you do it?" I will indulge. Short answer: I worked my effing ass off. Literally and figuratively. As mentioned in the previous blog, working out a few days a week with my BFF Jillian Michaels. And, to train for this redemption run, I used the 5k Runner app 3 days a week. I counted my calories using My Fitness Pal. None of these companies paid me, but I love love love them for what they did to help me on this journey. So yes, it really is that simple. Calories in calories out, and move your ass. So why don't people succeed every day? Well there's a whole mess of reasons for that.

What They Don't Tell You:

The hardest part of losing weight is finding the reason you have kept it on to begin with. For me, the turning point came that day of the Warrior Dash (see last post). I never wanted to feel that way again. That was my rock bottom. Deciding to lose weight parallels a decision to stop drinking or stop doing drugs. No one can make the decision for you, and until you really get to the bottom of why you do it and decide to CHANGE YOUR LIFE, nothing is going to change.

It is an emotional roller coaster. At least it was for me. To see yourself changing, to realize where you were, to know how far you have to go, it is a lot to process. You have to say goodbye to someone you knew for decades. You have to break up with the person you were and the habits that kept you there. In order to do that, you have to constantly motivate yourself by reflecting on why you made the decision to change your life.
There were days that I would wake up and expect to see that fat person staring back at me. And there were days when I would stare at myself, amazed at the new person that I saw. There were times I was so mad at myself for abusing my body for so long. I would think about all I missed out on because I was scared and insecure. There were days I didn't know if I could keep this new lifestyle up. I would cry listening to Jillian Michaels podcats, because there were so many people who were living a part of my story, and they were the only ones who got it. As if the inner struggle you have with yourself  isn't enough, there are a million other obstacles that will stand in your way.

Not everyone is going to be happy for you. Yeah, it sucks but it is a reality you have to face. I am BLESSED to have an amazing family who supported me because they knew how important this was to me. They ate the healthy food I made, they understood that making time for my health was my number one priority. My youngest sister did let me know that I could stand to talk a little less about running, but it was done out of love and a desire to get back to our discussions of Ru Paul's Drag Race. :) But there are always people around you that aren't so excited. That say "oh, live a little," when you turn down a donut. They announce "oh look, she's eating a piece of candy!!" when you indulge. Imagine what their response would be if you yelled across the office "oh look, she is eating ANOTHER chili dog!!" Not really the same, eh? So as hard as it is, you have to let it roll. Making healthy choices is your new life and you don't have to explain that to anyone. When they decide they want to do the same, they can stop being miserable and catty and they can suck it up. :) (Ok, maybe I don't always let it roll) I have some amazing and supportive friends who have supported me, and for them I am grateful. (there, less bitchy)

It's going to require effort, every day. Everything that is important does. Because I cut out so much processed crap, I have to plan and make meals all week. Stopping through a drive through usually isn't an option. Ordering at restaurants can be tricky. But once you navigate through that long enough, it becomes second nature. And you can even sneak the healthier options into group settings and unless you say something, people rarely know the difference. (I use greek yogurt at a substitute for all SORTS of things!) And, when it's really dark in the winter... getting up to work out SUCKS. And running in the cold is close to insanity. But because you understand the value, and because your body craves it- you get it done and work it out.

Once you start to really live the change, you can inspire others. I never had the intention of doing that. But to know that someone made changes in their life, no matter how big or small, because they saw that you could do it. Well, that's really freaking amazing and it feels really great.

So now you are rewarded with photos

This is me October 2011. Not the heaviest point I reached,  but the last time I let a full body shot be taken as that person.

Here is me end of May 2012 (about 10/15 pounds down) and August 2012,  at about the 30 pound mark. I put that shirt on expecting to be able to wear it, and promptly started sobbing when it fit like a dress.

Here is me being a LADY and getting amped up for the Dirty Girl Mud Run. For the record, my face didn't stay that way.

Here is me being a ridiculously photogenic runner.

This is the face of someone elated by reaching her goal. So proud of the person she  is becoming, and so grateful for the journey, no matter how rocky and muddy it was.

So now what? Why, more mud runs of course! Spartan Sprint February 9th, and OF COURSE I will have to tackle the Warrior Dash April 13. And, a few fun themed 5 ks in between.

Let me tell you. Having been on both sides of this, it is AMAZING to actually like the person you are. To feel comfortable in your skin. To not be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and get a little dirty. To know that you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. It is worth every sacrifice to get to where you want to be. Trust me. 

Put Your Mind To It, Go For It, Get Down And Break a Sweat

I can trace the beginning of the struggle with weight back to around 6th grade. My grandfather, with the intention of complimenting me, mentioned what a catch I'd be with my "birthing hips." Yup. Birthing hips.It's ok, you can laugh. I do now.Throughout middle school, I was always conscious that my body shape was curvier than other girls. Even though I was active in dance, I still didn't feel that I had the right shape.This continued through high school, and as a senior I finally succumbed to the pressures of my first crash diet.

Like most girls, once college came, I packed on what I had worked off. And then some... And then some... and by Junior year I was the heaviest I ever was. I found this out on a trip to Campus Health, were I was diagnosed with Mono. Which, as Romy and Michelle can attest, really is the best diet ever. I continued to yo-yo through my early 20s. Always losing and gaining the same 15-20 lbs. I had a number that I would reach as a warning sign... and each time I'd gain weight back, the "oh shit!!" number would get higher.

Two years ago I decided that I would get my act together. I had been laid off, so I had plenty of free time on my hands to work out and get healthy. I was in great shape, and once I got back into the swing of my new job, the comfort of a live in boyfriend (we are all familiar with "love weight"), and then the stress/depression of realizing that this new job was a nightmare, the weight crept back on. This time, I would take drastic measures to take that pesky weight off. In April of 2011, I did HCG. Yup, I woke up every morning and I stuck a needle in my stomach. I ate rabbit food with no dressings, oils, or fun. But, man did I drop that weight. :)

Surprise, the weight came back and brought some of his friends! That type of strict diet is nearly impossible to maintain. Add in a (new) high stress job with 60 hr weeks and lunches on the go, it is easy to quickly become a fatty. So I said goodbye to that job (with some guidance of my boss who told me the trial hire wasn't really working out) and I was depressed again at the idea of finding a new job. The motivation to work out wasn't there, and instead I focused on found love of the Ghost Whisperer. Once a new (and awesome) job was found, I tried to get back into the swing of things by doing what I had always done: setting weight loss goals based on events.

Goal one was for Halloween. A goal I had made numerous times before, so I could fit in with the other girls and be a slutty bunny, or a slutty mouse or a slutty nun, etc. I failed. Goal two was for New Year's. I failed.Goal three was for an upcoming trip to Vegas to see a friend's band perform... partial success. I was motivated by the fact that I was 5 lbs under the heaviest I have ever been in my life. So with moderate work outs, and a strict diet I dropped 10lbs, but couldn't get my act together for more.

I had become reclusive. I didn't want to go out because I didn't want people to see me.  When I was finally convinced I had to, there were three outfits I would rotate that I felt comfortable in. But then I was so insecure. I would try to sit to look skinnier. If people hadn't seen me for awhile, I wondered if they were thinking about how much weight I had gained. If people were meeting me for the first time, I wondered if they saw me as the fat girl.I would see girls and wonder if they were thinking "was she that fat when she met her boyfriend, or has she let herself go?" Cmon, you've wondered it about people before, I know I have. I'd dread seeing Facebook the days following an event, because there was sure to be an unflattering photo that I would rush to detag. And then eat my feelings in the form of nachos.

Rock bottom finally happened April 28. It was the day of the Warrior Dash, a muddy 5k that I had told my friends I would participate in, and I had every intention of using as my motivation to train and lose weight. Only I never signed up. And I never trained. When we found out that one of my friends was pregnant as wasn't able to participate, I jumped at the opportunity to use the excuse that someone had to be there with her as a spectator. The day of the run came, and I felt like a loser. People heavier than I was were chugging along. Couples were running through obstacles holding each other's hands. My friends and my boyfriend were feeling victorious. And I felt like an insecure, lazy piece of shit.

That's when I decided to really get my act together. When I decided that before I turned 30, I wanted to stop being the fat friend. I wanted to stop worrying about cropping photos, about posing the right way. I wanted to feel comfortable going out and spending time having fun, because that was the person I really was. The person that had been hidden by insecurity and blubber.

I broke my two weight loss goals up by events (old habits die hard). I wanted to lose 18 lbs by my cousin's wedding on June 9. And I wanted to lose another 12 by my trip to Vegas for my 30th birthday at the end of June. I was up at 530 am working out every day. I was eating right, eliminating processed crap and starches and taking care of myself. During this time, my 4.5 year relationship came to an end. Instead of using it as another excuse to give up, I pushed through. To be honest, the new physical and mental strength I had kept me going when I wanted to completely shut down. But I knew I couldn't give up; I didn't want to start another decade of my life not liking the physical person that I was.

I passed goal one by 6lbs, 3 days early. I was elated. For about 12 hours. The day after I found out I had dropped over 20lbs, I had one of my worst workouts because I woke up still feeling like I had so far to go. It was so hard to congratulate myself on everything I had worked for. As the days came closer to Vegas, I stayed off the scale. I had started to plateau, and I didn't want to discourage myself with the number not moving. I felt more confident. I felt stronger, and I looked better. My clothes fit better. I was able to spend time with my friends and be the fun loving person I really am. I was able to hang out at the pool without my cover up. And when my sister posted the photos to Facebook, I didn't make her crop every single one.

2 weeks later I was able to push through the plateau, and I am just a few pounds away from a number set I haven't seen in 5 years. Am I where I want to be yet? No, but I am working towards it. Taking care of myself is a priority, and the only person who can get me where I need to be is me. If you want something bad enough, you stop the excuses. You don't hit snooze. You don't say tomorrow. You get up and you get moving. Because no one else is going to do it for you. Unless, of course, you're a puppet with strings.

So, this November I am staying true to a new promise I made to my Warrior Dash friend. I AM GOING TO PARTICIPATE IN THE DIRTY GIRL 5K MUD RUN. Because by then, I'll be supermodel status. ;) 
I will continue to be on track with my healthy life, because I care enough about myself to never get back to that point. I will never go back to allowing how I felt about my physical person affect how my internal person behaved.

But now- I've got to get some cardio in. Thank you for indulging me.

tl;dr: I struggled with weight for 15 years until I reached rock bottom. I got my ass in shape (literally) because I didn't want to start a new decade hating what I saw in the mirror. If you feel that way- get up. Only you can do it.

Oh crap....

I have a blog.



I guess if I am ever going to realize my dream of being a snarky E!/VH-1 commentator are to ever come true, I better get back to it.

Idol Recap- The Lamest Finale Since Clay v Rueben

I thought the finale started at 8, like every other vote off episode this season, and I was wrong. So- I missed the first 33 minutes. Feel free to leave what I missed at the bottom. Unless you are one of those people that stopped watching the show, because my blogs are better. In that case, I am sorry for letting you down. Came in just in time to hear the ladies' Christina montage, and hear Christina a little rough through what seemed to be a song that hit her rather emotionally.

Now, the guys are doing a super cheesy 80's montage of Hall and Oates songs. They join them on stage. Mind you - Hall and Oates- great for their time. But we couldn't pull a bigger group for the finale? I guess this answers a few questions... one being: they ARE still alive. Did they perform a few years ago? Or was that on some vh-1 show? In case you wondered, "can I hear these horrible group performances AND watch the ridiculous choreography while drinking $9 sodas in a theater near me?!?!" Ryan gives you info on where to get tickets.

Driving home from watching my cute little cousins today, I was talking to the boyf. He said "I read your blog" (surprise, because he never does) "and you're kind of an asshole." We have been together for 2.5 years people. How is this news? He also started defending Crystal, saying that even though she is a hippie, she has a nice voice. Never really thought I would get the "you're too mean" lecture from him. Lately he has been saying that I am funnier without a job. Probably because now I can sleep through the night without having nightmares.

Jonelle Wheeler is reporting live from a sea of people in Ohio. Who is Jonelle Wheeler? (edit- just googled her. apparently a contestant this season)Oooh- Crystal's dad brought out the leather vest to match his sweet leather bike cap. She is singing "Ironic." And then she introduces Alanis. Another "is she alive?" question answered. And I rolled my eyes when Crystal said "when she go down with you to the theater." Not the line, and good for Alanis for not being the one to placate the man. For the record, I played THE SHIT out of Jagged Little Pill. My 8th grade heart really felt what she was going through, even though I hadn't even kissed a dude at that point. I was a late bloomer, so I had some angst.

Carrie Underwood says, "eff performing something cheesy with the finalists. I need my own song, thank you very much. See these Grammies?" Is that the plural for Grammy? Looks weird. She's a piece. Not piece of work, of ass. ;)

Kris Allen comes back to crown the finalists with their personally designed Ford cars. Lee looks excited, and Crystal gives a look like "I'm not giving up my Schwinn for this." Cue cheesy commercial.

Casey starts to sing "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," and is rocking it. And out comes Bret Michaels, who really should be on bed rest. Has he learned nothing? Is he like Gaga, and he will sleep when he's dead? Would he rather die onstage in front of his fans? She's nuts.

"Celebrity" spotting- Chilli.

Lee Dewyze is singing a Chicago (the band) medley, and it starts with the good stuff. Pre synthesizer. I judge people by which type of Chicago fan they are, "25 0r 6 to 4," or "You're the Inspiration." My preference is the former. And there it is... :) Envision me sitting on my couch rocking out.

Then some dude came in from Chicago, and I got my green beans from the microwave. Came back just in time for a flirty Simon montage. He's so dreamy.

Pants on the ground. Are we done with this yet? I bet he plays this song for his family at every gathering, and his grandchildren are mortified. WTH William Hung.

Paula seems pretty sober. Good for her. And she comes out from behind the curtain to perform. Ellen looks so great in white/ivory. Then Paula makes a really uncomfortable joke about leaving the show because she had Simon's baby. Then rambles.... maybe not as sober as I thought. Awkward. Yay, Simon montage. He's so dreamy.

Dear Kelly Clarkson- I love you. Dear Ruben- nice to see you're alive. Fantasia- you suck. Carrie, hearts. Jordin- You're cute. Taylor Hicks. Kris Allen- where is your album? There are seven.... who is missing? And then lots of runner ups and favorites in white. I guess JHudson, Daughtry and McPhee were busy?? But they got Guarini. From Justin to Kelly is an incredible film. I would look up the Idol that is missing.... but I would also find out tonight's winner if I did.
Boyf did it for me. What State Fair are you at this week, David Cook? Too busy?

Ugh. RUINING Janet's best song. And then she comes out out and is awesome. She's looking good. Singing into a mic AND a mouth piece? Is she planning on ripping off the dress and breaking into dance? I'm a genius. That is exactly what happens. That ass is fierce. Seriously, laser light show is unnecessary. Rocking it, Miss Jackson (cuz I'm nasty).

Montage from the beginning. Then singing "With a Little Help from My Friends"... and Joe Cocker is about to die on the stage. Either Lee's mic wasn't on, or he missed he part in this duet. Seriously. Someone call a doctor. I think Joe needs oxygen.

It's time. Some British guy brings out an envelope. I bet Ryan knows what is in it. Lee is nervous. Crystal wants to get high.... which she can go do, because she lost. Ha. I think that Lee will fit better into the Idol machine, to be honest. Crystal is gonna want to do things her way... and fight the power. Awww, Lee is so cute with his excitement. I'm glad we have a grateful winner. :) He's totally broken up. Cute.

Well, no more Idol blogs. Please leave suggestions for other shows to review below. Kthanxbai.

Idol- Just the Two of Us

When I think of the song, Just the Two of Us, I try to forget that horrible Will Smith version. Also- his kid sucks.

This is the last time Simon is judging, and I am sad. :( Not watching the show any more for sure.

Watching the show tonight with the littlest sister. We spent a lovely day watching Supernatural and sun tanning. I am eating a rice krispie treat with m and m's built in, because tomorrow starts my Biggest Loser competition with my mom. Enough yo-yoing. I am going to be hot. See, and now I have written it down, so I have to do it. Feel free to tweet me saying "hey fatty! did you stay away from nachos today?" OR you could be nice and tweet "you go girl!" Or, something more relevant to this time frame.

Speaking of Will Smith's no talent kid, there is the new Karate Kid commercial. Can Hollywood try and make over movies that suck? Like, give a re do on something that Pauly Shore effed up. Or Andy Dick. You catch my drift.

Lee's parents are cute. He is resinging "The Boxer," because the judges loved it. Why not pick a song you really effed up and make it better? Be a man, Lee. Randy said something but I don't care. Ellen loved. Kara babbled. Simon said it was a kiss on the cheeks when he wants a kiss on the lips. Not from him, obvi.

And of course The Dirty Hippie is singing Janis. I'm gonna time out until something relevant happens.


The Executive Producers sing the next round of song. Not just in the "you kids can choose from these" way, in the actually picking way. Lee has "Everybody Hurts." I was going to make a comment about how I needed to feel the hurt, and then he brought it. But he better have a ball busting song in the end, because this is slow and so was the other. The judges agree.

And The Dirty Hippie is singing "Black Velvet." She's gonna fuck it up. Her dress is ugly, and she looks tubby. She also can't walk in high heels. Were "songs from the 90's that shouldn't be covered" on sale this week?

And now the song he would release if Lee won is "Beautiful Day." Because I guess they realized that all the songs they write for the finals suck. But Lee did not show up for this song. It is really a lesser of two evils tonight. The judges rambled, and I looked at pictures of Jared Leto. Simon ends with saying that Lee is what the competition is about.

They go to commercial, and the judges are moving their cups off camera. Apparently Coke didn't pay enough this week. Crystal is singing "Up to the Mountain." She has an ugly floral scarf and a diamond necklace. And weird artsy earrings. This chick is such a fashion train wreck. At this point, I am usually secretly rooting for someone. Honestly, tomorrow I could not watch the show and my life would be no different. I am so disappointed in the piece of shit that American Idol has become. It's all because Ryan works too many jobs. The Hippie is crying, and sealing it up. "Hello!! Nationals!! Platter!!" Name that movie in the comments and you get my approval. That matters to some people. Simon looks pissed. How have I JUST noticed how ugly Randy's jacket is!?! Ellen geeks out over her. Kara geeks out too. Because if the emotion and the blossoming. The Hippie says something nice to Simon and says he's been great. He said it was the song of the night. And it was "outstanding." But I don't really think he believed it. She is so awkward. Did you know she is a mom?

I'm gonna stop blogging so I can read ONTD before Glee. This show sucked.

Idol Recap- Vote Off to 2

I'm blogging at the boyf's house tonight, and I told him who was going to go home as he handed me his laptop to type. He had a screen open that announced the final two, and I looked down to see if I was right. And I was.

So, blogging tonight is even more anti-climactic than normal. And I have to watch the first 9 minutes of the most boring Idol interviews in the history of the world. You know what I don't want to hear? Idols whining. And since when does Crystal have diabetes? Bring out the baby. Bring out the illness. All we need is a retard sister, and we are good. Oh, no, wait. That is Nicole Scherzinger's game. I don't care if I spelled her name correctly. I think she is a phony, and she is using her down syndromed sister to get votes. That is disgusting. Different show, but I need to blog about things that are more relevant to my interests, so whatever.

In case you were wondering, I AM 6 budlight limes and two Candian Club and iced teas in. So what?

These commercials are really out of hand. Apparently these idols are spray painting to show they are wild. And then Ryan pimps the concert again. Remember at this point of the competition when the concerts were all sold out? Yeah, not so much anymore.

Montage of home town scenes. Casey gets asked if he has a woman in his life. Only every night, and then he kicks her out before coffee. Wow, he got some Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders there. It IS the off season, and the veterans need some cardio to keep them active, so.... Apparently Casey got in an accident 6 years ago, and he is now choosing a time with cameras present to come back and say thank you. I guess that hospital has no turnover rate, and the same nurse that emptied his bed pan is still there. Eff this noise; this is so put on.

Just referenced the open link boyf had up again. Wow, this chick is not funny. But- she lives on the East Coast. Is that what I need to professionally blog about television? An East Coast time zone? Because, wow. Did I mention that this blogger is a ginger with glasses? Yes, I just pulled that card. I need to start vlogging, so VH-1 will put me on their snarky countdowns. I am WAY finnier than Jwoww, and can perform loosely scripted television a whole hell of a lot better. And I have a prettier face. That is what people tell pretty girls that have curves, in case you were wondering. ;)

And we get to talk to Perez Hilton now. In case you didn't know, this piece of shit blogger thinks he can be the next Simon Cowell. Has even offered to do it for free. I guess that his newest discovery (since HE discovered, Gaga) is Travis Garland, who is better than Timberlake. Which is why we have a tri-spilt screen for the first time in Idol history. He looks like your average frat boy. He has a leather vest with rousching in the back. I don't even know what he was singing about, because I couldn't understand it, and was too busy fuming about what an entire waste of time this season was.

Crystal in Ohio? Somehow I thought I she was Canadian. Did I make that up? Ugh, brush your hair, hippie. How are you tired? You didn't have to wake up early for hair and make up, so STFU. The mayor of Toledo had white washed jeans and a leather vest with a matching leather hat. What a stud. Oh, how clever. Her outdoor performance is called "bowerstock," like "woodstock." Vomit. She wrote a song called "Holy Toledo," and I doubt it is as good as "Cleveland Rocks." And she cries. And I roll my eyes.

Lee is in "Chicago," which really means the 75 miles surrounding Chicago. He throws out the first pitch for the Cubs, and I realize that we are not meant to be. Because only losers like the Cubs. It pisses me off when we see first grade teachers, because what first grade teacher really remembers a kid from 20 years ago? There are girls running around in neon shirts saying "vote lee," and they remind me of the "live girls direct" t-shirts in Vegas. Lee has the biggest crowd, and he totally cries, and so does his dad. Kinda sweet, because I feel like it is genuine with him.

It is 844, and Bieber isn't on yet. WTH?

Yessssssssss. So, in case you don't follow me on Twitter, I babysit my 3 and 6 YO cousins on MWF, and sometimes other days. They are precious, and sometimes we have Justin Bieber dance parties. He is so fricking cute with his lesbian haircut. And everyone who ever performs with him looks like they are having so much fun. That damn "Baby" song is so catchy. I miss the Ludacris part. When I was 13... I had my first love. A lot different from his "Fantasy" song.

Now we got down to the bottom two. At 854. Better than having the losers sit there the whole show. Randy has purple glasses today. First person in is Lee. Duh. His parents are cute. Joining Lee is Crystal, and she asks if that means if she is safe. Yes, hippie. Casey is "thankful for the opportunity," even though he checked out a few weeks ago. His mom or sister is in a really ugly tiered dress. He chooses to sing "Daughters," and mess it up even worse than he did last night. Like, reallllllly mess it up. Geez, dude. You still have the tour. Who is the little girl he picked up? Niece? Ellen is totally crying. That is sweet. I think she is really a good hearted person who feels a connection with these contestants. Good for her. Must be niece, because she could care less about being there, and quickly runs back to mom when the song is done.

In his final video package, Crystal mentions she has a crush on Casey. Which would explain the crying. And then Ryan hits puberty and squeeks through the end.

Does anyone cares who wins? Comment below.

Idol Recap- 3

Final three, and tonight we get to see their hometowns. yay. And, each contestant sings two songs, one they choose, and another from a judge. The judges are dressed quite casually, maybe saving it all for next week. Or maybe they are all over it.

Casey's first song is "OK, It's Alright With Me." He wins for longest song title of the night, I bet. I don't think I know this song. I think this is the first time there has been singing in the first 4 minutes in about 5 years. There is only room for one rocker, so Casey better hope that Lee blows it, because that is his only chance. Randy is not a fan. You can tell because he said "listen" more than once. Ellen tries to kill the pain with lots of rhyming. Kara said you should pick something the audience knows and make it your own. Simon calls the song "a salad, because there is something more substantial coming.... but you sounded good."

I was wondering why the Billy Madison weasel and Tom Hank's kid were in the audience. Then I saw the commercial for their new cop show.

Awkward Stool Time with Crystal. She is choosing to sing "Come to My Window," because it "is about passion and love and STUFF." Littlest sister (back from college) yells "don't fuck it up." She doesn't watch much, and would rather be watching the season finale of 90210. "Oh. She does the harmonica too. Of course." :) We don't need close ups of the meth teeth, thanks. It is always hard to judge her performances, because they are always how I thought they would be. But it doesn't mean that it is incredible. I stopped paying attention for a minute. And Simon brought me in when he said that she has never compromised who she is during the season. And then she gives some hippie love philosophy.

One of my readers has a birthday today. So, I would like to take this commercial break to say Happy Birthday to Amanda. :) When can we drink and be merry again?

Awkward Stool Time with Lee. Too bad he is so dull. And, he is going with Lynard Skynard "Simple Man." Good song, and one of my favorites, but I am not at all surprised by the choice. Randy yelled. Ellen said he went from a lamb to a gazelle. Kara totally steals Simon's schtick, and says "round one totally goes to Lee." I hope he calls her out a break. Because that's bullshit. Simon said he was on the money.

Took a nice little break to listen to Neon Trees, a band we discovered at the 30 Seconds to Mars show Sunday night. They are pretty rad, google them.

Casey is singing "Daughters," chosen by Randy and Kara. Ryan asks what Casey "HAS TO DO TO WIN," as if this were a football game, and it was as simple as rushing the quarterback. And to prove it isn't a sport, Kara says he needs to "show his vulnerable side." I don't know that he connected with this song at all. This may be the end of the line for mr. jones. Oh yeah, guitar solo. Why is his light always the cheesiest? I really think it affects his performance. Randy said it fit him like a glove, which it should have, because he picked it. Ellen loved it. Kara said it was vulnerable, and it was a great choice, and Simon laughed. Simon said it was a better choice, but it was a lazy arrangement, and those too should have given him a better vocal. Kara is dumb. She yelled that mellow is how the song is supposed to be, not understanding that Simon isn't saying that he should have changed the song, he said he should have been given a bigger song for a big moment.

I should have laid money on Ellen picking Crystal's song, because it is the least difficult job. "Maybe I'm Amazed," which is one of my favorite songs in the universe. Apparently I missed a dumb face when Kara didn't realize the camera was on her. By the way, why wasn't anyone at Crystal's AT&T commercial shoot? No instrument for Crystal. She stands like a pregnant dude. Yeah, wrap your head around that vision. Wow, yelly mcyellerson. Oh yeah, she's Canadian. Isn't this AMERICAN Idol? (sister laughs)

Lee apparently doesn't have to read his message in from to AT&T. I guess they didn't pay enough for all three. Simon mentions that we have heard this song before, but not how Lee is gonna sing it. "Hallelujah." I don't particularly care for this song. Of COURSE there is a choir. But Simon made sure to keep them low and unobtrusive. Hope you had fun Casey, because your ride ends tomorrow. Probably better for him, so he can have more freedom. Simon looks at Kara like, "THIS is how you do it." The crows goes wild, and is on their feet. Randy loves it. Ellen called it "stunning." Kara says that "he is what the show is all about." I hate how dramatically she approaches the microphone, and then backs off after speaking as if she just announced the cure to cancer. Simon is awesome. And tonight officially decided that I will not watch a single episode when he is gone. Because the rest of these assholes can't do what he does.

Idol Recap- The Longest Hour of My Life

I only listened to the first 11 minutes, because fajitas are more important to me than Jamie Foxx. In case you are new to my blog- I can't stand him. So I just won't talk about him unless it is a good joke.

Boyfriend saw Taye Diggs in the audience, and as I am slinging onions I ask if Idina Menzel was with him. "Is there a white girl with dark hair and a big nose sitting with him." He says "I think so." So, anybody?

Lee sings "Kiss From a Rose," which someone sings every year. And it sucked. There, caught up.

Awkward Stool Time with Big Mike. It appears as though we have just woken him up from a slumber. He sings "Will You Be There" which is a Michael Jackson song from some movie that probably sucked. Jaime offered him the "contestant" shirt, because that practice performance was not enough "artist" for him. Oh Lord, do we really need a gospel choir on the stairs? Haven't we played this out? I'm gonna get more fajitas. Ellen reminds us all that this is from Free Willy. i remember seeing it in the theater, and wondering why the girl had so many bathing suits. I've always been practical. Simon asks what Free Willy is about, and wonders what it has to do with the song. And Kara, queen of the "sing the lyrics and understand the meaning" says "it's just a song." Sell out.

Lee and Crystal do this duo that I swear someone did last year. But, I looked back to my blogs and learned that I need to do a better job at tagging. Not like anyone cares that someone sang this at some point, but whatever. The judges geeked out over it, and I think it was annoying. Probably because I am still really pissed that everyone is so boring this season.

I really hate it when the mentors tell the contestants to "seduce them." This isn't as lame as that time the ALW told someone to pretend he was singing a love song to a little girl. I would link it, but as mentioned a few minutes ago, I do a really shitty job of tagging my blogs. Casey doesn't surprise us for a moment, and does "Mrs. Robinson."Randy makes a big joke about the song being about an older woman seducing a younger man. Somebody have a stick? We have a dead horse over here to beat. It sucked.

Crystal is singing the "classic song from Caddyshack," and if she fucks up Kenny Loggins that bitch is going through a wall. She was fine.

Casey and Mike did that annoying song from Don Juan De Marco. I wasn't paying attention, because my gmail account was hacked, and I was letting everyone know that I was hacked. You know, because potential employers really like to be sent links to Canadian Health care. Fuck.

Idol Recap- Somebody Swims With the Fishes

These cheesy lip synched openings are awful. The only thing that is worse are these stupid commercials. You can just ignore the first 11 minutes.

What a nice little package to show what Tuesdays are like for the contestants both before the show, and now that they are celebrities. Crystals baby is weird looking. Funny that they have fake judges for the rehearsal. I want that job. Are they hiring? I can do a really good Kara impression.

Big Mike is totally chill, Crystal too. WHY DO WE TRY TO TALK TO THEM TONIGHT?? WHY NOT JUST CUT THIS SHOW TO HALF AN HOUR?!?!? Lee is safe, duh. And we go to commercial.

Tonight's performance is Gaga. Seacrest says she is singing "Alejandro," which to me sounds like a song from Ace of Base. Bitch is crazy, but her body is banging. Her dancers are wearing weird50's style bathing suit bottom things. It is a weird mix of singing live and lip synching. The weird Jesus Angel on stage makes me uncomfortable.

Thank you Harry Connick for making this episode bearable. I want to hang out with him. A lovely montage of all his little jokes. Including telling Mike to stop talking about the baby, telling Aaron to stop with the smile, and having a staring contest with Lee. What a catch. So- where do I buy this album legally? He makes me feel all warm and mushy.

Top 5 sing Harry songs!!! :) They should put some Christmas songs in this mix. :D Aaron just blends into the stage. It's time to go, kiddo. Big Mike is singing sex. That is the only way to describe it. Then Harry tells a story about how he sang for Sinatra, messed up the words, and Sinatra kissed Harry's wife (then gf). Ha.

Oh yeah, this is a results show. Don't worry about letting the band take a seat. They can just hang out on the stage. Crystal is sent by the piano. Big Mike stands on the opposite side. Aaron joins Big Mike. Casey obviously joins Crystal. Ryan asks Lee to choose who is the bottom two, and Lee goes #2. Mike and Aaron are bottom two. Mikey there again. Bet the judges are real glad they saved him.

There is justice in the world, and Aaron Kellly goes home about three weeks later than he should have. Hope you enjoy your prom, buddy. I'm sure you won't have a problem getting a date.

Idol Recap- Call Me Irresponsible

For some reason, Sir Anthony Hopkins is in the audience. I think I remember him there once last year too. Weird.

Tonight is Sinatra night, and Harry Connick Jr is the mentor. He is looking good in his suit, too. Harry has brought members of his band with him, and he has helped to work on some arrangements. At least, that's what I think I heard.

Sinatra's two daughters are there, and give Simon a monogrammed hankie that belonged to Frankie. Whoa, Harry is giving legit feedback, and telling him what notes to hold when. He is singing "Fly Me to the Moon," and I want him to fly home, because his time has come. Randy rambles. Ellen jokes that the piano is pitchy. Ha. They have new coke cups this week. They are very 80's. Kara blah blah blah. Simon didn' t think he was cool enough, but he tries hard. Oh- tonight starts the 2 numbers business.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey. He was telling a funny story- but I didn't care enough to rewind. He is singing "Blue Skies," and Harry said that this song wasn't about the lyrics, but the vibe. ROUGH start. And it continues. I don't like it at all. Randy says it was pitchy all the way through. Casey looks Hiiiiiiiiigh. Ellen digs at Harry again. One more time, and it's too much. Kara said he sounded like a lamb, and a cougar in the audience loses her shit. Simon says he seemed awkward. Harry says that it was better in the rehearsal, and it is hard to hear on the stage, so that is probably playing a part. Good call- they are used to lame back ups, not a real orchestra.

Why do we need a commercial in between each performance? This is really quite ridiculous. Crystal is singing "Summer Wind," and has a connection that she is hiding. Because she is so mysterious. Oh Lordie! She has a tacky sun tattoo thing across her entire back. Wait. Is it a daisy? Or a sunflower? Either way, it's too much. Harry Connick is such a stud. Randy said it was sleepy. Is everyone red tonight, or is it just boyf's tv? Looks like Bowersox was by the pool. Kara liked her phrasing. Simon loves the song, but said it felt indulgent. She needs to shut her mouth with the backtalking.

Big Mike gets some awkward stool time. He is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." He goes for the more upbeat version. Which I don't like as much. Tony Bennet does my favorite version. Big Mike looks all watery eye high today too. Did they do a pool scene or something? What the hell?
Randy yells, so that means he likes it. Blah blah. I am so over Big Mike. Simon loves the performance too. I am sad that this is the last season I get to watch. Wish there was bigger talent.

Lee is up, and Harry shares that his wife thinks he is cute. Harry is such a ham. I love him. Lee is singing "That's Life," which is a great song for this season's regular guy. Too bad I can barely understand a word he is saying. Haha, Ellen says she was distracted by Harry's organ. LOLZ. The judges love it mucho.

Apparently the have Gaga tomorrow? Odd pairing.

1, 2 Freddy's Coming for You

You may have noticed there was no Idol blog last night. That's because I was at a pre-screening for the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Before I tell you all about it, I should let you know that no one is paying me for this review- I just like to pretend like I am cool because I saw it early.

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. My friends and I even created a scary movie CLUB, where we take notes and rate movies in 5 different categories on a scale of 1-5 bloody hatchets. Yeah, no one ever said I wasn't a huge dork. Anyway- the point of this ramble is that I was SUPER excited about the Nightmare remake. As a fan of the original, I can see that some would see this as another lame Hollywood excuse to bring back a successful franchise to turn a profit. Don't get me wrong, that is totally what this is. Still entertaining.

Here are the spoiler free bullet points:

- There's no nudity. Probably a good thing, since this version clearly paints Freddy as a child molester. Talking about that and then showing Katie Cassidy's boobs would be in poor taste.
- It's gory. Blood splatters, throat slitting, knives through the back. Not for the weak of stomach.
- It heavily relies on the "jump" factor. You know, where it's really quiet, except for the creepy music, and you're just WAITING for Freddy to jump out. The girl next to me nearly needed a medic by the end. If she had been eating popcorn, instead of a pretzel, I would still be pulling the kernels out of my bra.
- The movie is predictable. It isn't a frame by frame remake, like Psycho was. It is a "re imagination." There are a few similar characters, like Nancy. But her police dad is nowhere in sight and her mom isn't a boozer anymore. :/ That fake tan, feathered hair an pink lipstick was incredible. New mom is a pretty red head.
- The front end is really death heavy. Which is entertaining, but when Nancy is trying to figure out the "who, what, why" there aren't many people to talk to.
- Original Krueger was creepier. The makeup in this film is a lot more realistic, which I thought I would like. But it just doesn't hit the same part in your gut. You see him more as a victim than a monster. And as the boyf pointed out, his voiceovers where super cheesey, a la Christian Bales's super deep Batman voice.

So, if you go in knowing that this is just another horror remake, you won't be disappointed. Don't go in expecting Oscar worthy performances or non stop action.

For those that really want to know some spoiler shit, read below...







- Kellan Lutz is the first to die, in a Drew Barrymore Scream kind of way. His make up is outstanding, and probably the best "I haven't slept for days" look that the movie offers.
- 3/4 of the teens die within the first 45 minutes of the movie. Katie Cassidy's flinging about the bedroom death is about as good as the original. Of course, Thomas Dekker witnesses it, and is arrested for her murder in about 6 minutes. You know, how most homicides work. Thomas Dekker's jail cell death is gory and disgusting and awesome.
- Things get kind of boring for awhile, with emo "Nancy" (some actress I've never seen) talking to "Quentin" about her dreams. It takes way too long for them to realize they are having the same dreams, and way too long for them to realize there must be some connection.
- We find that the kids were all friends in preschool, and the parents decided to just hide that fact, send them to different elementary and middle schools and then have them meet up and magically become friends in High School. Because that is totally plausible. They keep them apart because they want to be sure that the kids didn't remember that the preschool gardener was a molester. Nancy believes it but Quentin doesn't.
- While Nancy goes to research, Quentin pretends it is all just coincidence and heads to swim practice. He then transports from swim practice to the past,via dream sequence, where he sees his dad as the ring leader of the "kill the beast" scene. They chase Freddy to an industrial area, and light him on fire. Then, of course, Quentin thinks maybe Freddy didn't molest kids, and the parents killed an innocent man. So, he is coming back in dreams and KILLING PEOPLE to prove he isn't a bad guy. Stupid.
- Of course, Nancy uses the internet to find all the other kids from preschool. Because this is the best search engine in the history of the world, the weird and wacky deaths of the other preschoolers are the top 5 results when she searches for them. Because there is only one "Kate Jones," and she went to Nancy's preschool. She even gets to watch one kid's death via web-cam on his blog. Because most videos you post online get up their entirely on their own by magic. So even after you're dead- they can post themselves. Quentin comes and tells her his dream, and they realize they must go "learn the truth" by visiting the old preschool.
- FF through a drug store scene and a hospital scene and we end up at the preschool. It's fenced off, and apparently not at all demolished since 1997. Just dust and cobwebs. In Arizona, that shit would have either become a holding place for illegal immigrants, or a meth house. Just sayin. They go to the basement, where Freddy has been leading them, and find the "cave" that their preschool selves told their parents is where the bad stuff happens. Nancy was his favorite, so of course all of her naked kid Polaroids are found in a box. Terrible. They then realize Freddy is a sick fuck, and was bringing them there to remember, since memories are the source of his power.
- Nancy wants to save the day, just like in the original, and Quentin is supposed to wake her up when she is struggling, so that she can bring Freddy out of her dream to kill him. That never made sense to me in the original, and it is even weaker of an answer in this one. Of course Quinten falls asleep and fails, getting heavily injured in the process. Nancy then has this whole 10 minute creepfest with Freddy, ending up in her room on her bed in a grown up version of her kid dress. Freddy then tells her that he kept her alive long enough to get totally delirious and sleep deprived so that when she fell asleep, it would be a coma forever. You know, so he could sexually assault her for days and she wouldn't wake up and leave dream land. That is the creepiest time for Freddy.
- While Nancy is struggling, Quentin of course wakes up and tries to wake up Nancy- with no success. He then remembers the Epinephrine he stole from the hospital, and Pulp Fictions her into consciousness. She brings Freddy out, slits his throat, and delivers the classic "you're in MY world now, bitch" line that is standard in every horror film. They then light the place on fire, which brings the fire dept and paramedics. Which they needed, because Quentin's crashed car wasn't gonna get them back home through the corn fields.
- Nancy is home, and safe. She is talking to her mom- who happens to be standing in front of a mirror. We see Freddy's reflection stabbing mom and grabbing her into dream world. Fin.

Of course there is a set up for part two. Not sure whether it will be in production before the 2nd Friday the 13th. Word is, Jared Padalecki is holding up that production- waiting for the offer that includes his own personal on set hairstylist to make sure the 70's butt part is perfect in every scene. Joke. But seriously, WTF is up with his hair?

So- moral of the story- gory, jumpy and an actual plot- slow moving as it may be. Death toll could have been a little higher, but that's just me. ;)

Idol Recap- On the 6

We begin with Ryan introducing the remaining contestants as though they were cast members of The Breakfast Club: the brain, the jock, the princess, the dirty hippie... you get the idea. Wanna know how the show can not run over? Cut the first three minutes.

Tonight's mentor is Shania Twain, and I dig her. I can't believe that troll of a husband cheated on her. How can you even LAND her when you look like this? Which is also the only professional photo that was ever taken of him, and shown on every mention.

Lee, The Painter, is up first and taking on "You're Still the One." He rocks it out in his own little way, and the judges love it. Tell him he's making some funny faces though, and Kara totally interrupts and yells over Simon. Because sometimes it just isn't worth it, he just says he is done talking. She appears genuinely surprised. Another way to save time? Turn off the judges mics when they are done talking.

Big Mike, The Father, is singing some ballad that I have never heard before. Shania tells him he could sing the phone book and love it, and Mike with his big ego glows and smiles. She tells him not to take it for granted, and he needs to sing with passion because that is what winners do. He made Shania cry, in a good way. This week, Randy says that he loves the R&B ballady stuff. Bet ya next week that he will tell him he needs to mix it up. Ellen called it Luther Vadrossy, which is a good thing. Kara talks about how Shania is a songwriter, blah blah blah. Simon says Ellen is on point with the Luther, but said the song was "wet," which causes all sorts of controversy.

Casey, The Construction Worker, had stool time with Ryan, and sang some song that seemed kinda familiar. I was busy drawing a map for my sister to pick up our cousins from daycare. Also made her feel my abs as I am in day 4 of level 2 in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Serious business. The judges loved it, best performance ever, blah blah.

Crystal Bowersox, The Mother, is singing "No One Needs To Know Right Now." Shania tells her to be more upbeat. Apparently she is singing it for her boyfriend. It's cute and happy. Randy said it wasn't his FAVORITE performance. It wasn't Ellen's either, but she uses the analogy that it is like choosing your favorite color of the rainbow. Kara, AGAIN, says that she agrees with "the guys." Apparently forgetting that Ellen is a girl. Again. Simon said it was like the performers in the coffee shop that are there, but you really don't want to see. Ryan tries to stir the pot, and asks for Crystal's response to the criticism. Then there is an awkward exchange with her boyfriend. Another minute that could be saved.

I'm not even going to talk about Aaron, because I am so over him. And apparently I have been getting his age wrong. He is 17. Is GLEE on yet?

Siobhan, The Glass Blower, is butchering "Any Man of Mine." Why would she EVER chose this song? And the outfit is terrible. She struggles through the song, and is having mic problems, ans Shania is grimacing. Then there is a very disjointed screeching at the end. Shania golf claps. Randy eats it up. Ellen- "way to pull the Shania Twain into the station." Lame. Kara says "guess who's baAAaack!" Simon said he liked the song, but the screeching sounded like she was giving birth.

Apparently the Fox Gods let Idol know that they aren't there bread and butter anymore, because they are ending just about on time. Well, at least the most on time in recent years.

Idol Recap- Idol Gives Back

We start with Ryan standing in a sea of red, white and blue lights. Then, Barry O and Michelle come on, say hi and tell everybody to donate. This is a difficult night to snarkily blog. Because they are doing nice things. :/

The judges are super fancy tonight, but Simon still has his shirt unbuttoned. THe show is being filmed in two locations- with Ryan hosting one, and Queen Latifah at the other. This helps to gain extra sponsorship, ticket sales- and hopefully keep the show running on time. All ten finalists are out in white. Siobhan wears the dumbest outfits. This song is weird, and totally Disney.

Jennifer Garner takes on the first charitable organization, Save the Children. Helps locally to give children in poverty books to help them develop and learn. Jennifer visited a cute little family in Kentucky to show how the program has helped. And then Posh brings out two new BFFs, who have been overly rehearsed their speeches. Ryan Seacrest does not allow on air mess ups- so you better bring your A game.

Jonah Hill and Russel Brand have "offered to gather their famous friends" to run a phone bank. Insert lame and obvious joke- where there really aren't any celeb friends. WE will be checking in with them later.

Black Eyed Peas are up- singing the next song to be ridiculously overplayed by a top 40 station near you. The boys are wearing jackets and pants- and Fergie was apparently channeling her superhero side- wearing knee high boots, a leotard and cape. Oh shit! gold wrist cuffs too!! And there are robots with mohawks and guns. Someone needs to take their decision making powers away from them when they are high. Will.I.Am. is about a beat behind his voice track.

Now its Malaria time. Over the years, Idol Gives Back has been able to cut the number of people dying in half. That's pretty serious. Queen Latifah warns us that it will be hard to watch, and she wasn't kidding. :(

These cheesy bits are always more extreme on IGB night. They "auctioned" the results... and George Lopez was the highest bid. HILARITY ENSUES! George wants to judge the judges. George has a great Randy impression. And calls him out for being retarded. But "since you're the only brother on the show- you are safe." George calls her out for saying that she is always disappointed, etc.- but he has covered his wall with her nudie pictures and is safe." George tells her she is the Kourtney Kardashian of the Idol judges, which is hilarious. Simon is ready to be voted off, and looks at George like "bring it." He is not safe- and told to go to England. But apparently there is a volcano, so he is safe. Whatever.

Ford music video. Guess what- it is lame. Crystal and Casey in the center. That's a lot of alliteration. One is safe, and on one is bottom three for the first time. Casey is bottom three. Aaron and Lee are now center stage. Lee is safe. Duh. One seat is open in the bottom three. "Who will fill that stool?" Ha.

Joss Stone is apparently still relevant, and is singing "I Put a Spell on You." Because why not? Her hair is a normal color again, and is totally straight. She is backed by the Jubilation Choir, and the whole thing seems really out of place.

Dear Morgan Freeman- I love you. Please stay healthy forever. Morgan and Randy hung out in Mississippi to see what was going on. Save the Children has helped a small town here too. This program is one of the most successful in the country, and uses health and exercise training to increase benefits of education.

You can text your donation, and having learned a lesson from all the kids that texted to Haiti relief on their parent's bill- you can only text three times per phone.

Alicia Keys is performing and is super hot. She's really just stunning. She sings some song I don't know, and then she sings New York without Jay Z. I was kinda waiting for him to come out. But that didn't happen.

Back to the "phone bank" with a bunch of lame fakers, except for Slash. And crazy Tatianna from last year. And Octomom and a few kids.Really, she was there. Then Jim Carrey comes in and noticed that it's D list and runs. So lame and unfunny.

Queen Latifah is there with Common to promote their new movie, and introduce Carrie Underwood. She has a really pretty dress on. She is singing an inspirational song of some sort, that I don't know because the only country I listen to is Brad Paisley. Because he is cute and funny and romantic. :) Apparently the song had something to do with the difference 36 cents makes.

Ellen got to hang out with David Arquette, who has been spending his time out of the spotlight helping Feeding America, a food bank. Ten dollars can buy a crap ton of food. Elliot Yamin creeps me out. Surprise! It is going to go late.

Bill Gates talks global health care. I can't blog this anymore. I'll tell you who's out.

One more to add to the bottom-- Siobhan is safe. Mike is safe. Tim is bottom. Are we surprised at all?

More really upsetting stuff that I can't really deal with. And no, Annie Lennox is not really HIV Positive.

Not ok with a random group of fools doing Stairway to Heaven. It is 857, and this song isn't short. Is this ending at 930?And thank you for cheapening it even further with your electric light show, Idol.

We are at 9:16- and going to commercial break. Seriously?!?!?!?! Someone at Idol needs to be fired. Check it- you know the run time of the produced video pieces. You know the run time of the performances. You know how long the bits are supposed to be. You tell the comedian he has 3 minutes, and schedule 5. You cut the drama with the reveal, and just tell us the bottom three. THERE IS NO REASON THAT YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING OVER- AND 25 MINUTES IS INSANE.

Aaron is safe for one more week. What? Tim Urban is out. Casey is safe. Well, it was a pretty long ride for someone that landed here with a fluke.

24 minutes over.

Idol Recap- Ryan Seacest Is Not Your BFF

Apparently there was some drama last week, and Bowersox nearly quit the show. Ryan Seacrest talked her down from the ledge- and she was surprised it still made headlines. Hey, guess what? YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW! YOUR LIFE IS NO LONGER PRIVATE IF IT CAN GET RATINGS!

To save time, the judges don't make the grand entrance. And everyone BUT Ellen is wearing some sort of vest/sweater cardigan thing. Odd. I really like Ellen in ivory. Not everyone can wear it- most look like they are channeling Saturday Night Fever.

This week is Idol Gives Back-so look for some extra sappiness. Alicia Keys is the mentor- because she does charity stuff. Which I didn't know, because she doesn't pull a Sean Penn and tell the world she single handeldy saved a small country. So, with this theme- come songs that are inspirational.

Casey is bringing us "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Alicia had a great point- he needs people to say "I Like Him!" not "I Like This Song!" He did not do that. And the judges agreed. In fact- Simon called it lazy. I would have rather he did "This Is It," by Kenny Loggins. Because I LOVE Kenny Loggins. But- I'm really happy because my sister delivered nachos to me on her way to darts!

Awkward Stool Time with Lee Dewyze- this season's "regular guy." He will be singing "The Boxer," because it inspired him to learn how to play guitar. These mentor recaps have been significantly shorter. Damn you Idol audience and your LAME hand waving. I like the rougher version of this. Not as sing songy as the original. Randy says he loves him, no homo. Ellen loves his soul and depth and it's his best performance by far. Kara likes to disagree with Simon- even before he says anything. THIS week is his best performance, not the one Simon said. Simon loved it- sincere, emotional, and made it sound relevant. BRILLIANT. How come Simon can say brilliant without it seeming condescending or overdone?

Goo Goo Dolls and R. Kelly are coming up-- and so are Tim and the 16 YO. Money that the old beyond his years kid is singing "I Believe I Can Fly." He definitely won't be singing "Trapped in the Closet, Pt 3." But wouldn't be awesome if he did? What a ridiculous fiasco that was. But I watched every single one, like a sucker. Like a SUCKER! How does it END, R. Kelly?!?!

Tim is singing "Better Days," and Alicia reminds him not to trail off and lose it in the chorus. This kids gets too close to the mic. This is a new side to Tim- a little more grown up, and not as showy. Yo- check it out-for me. Ellen again with the metaphors says today he is the soup of the day, which is not a soup she likes. I wonder what that is? I don't particularly care for soup myself. Chef's choice makes me nervous. Kara gives actual feedback- and says while he has found the right style, but the execution was there. Simon says he doesn't know he buys it.

Aaron- hahahaha. WILL be singing "I Believe I Can Fly." Alicia basically looks at him like "boy, please." With the strings. So lame. I think this is the 19th time that Randy has told him he has a huge voice. Ellen makes a 70's drug reference- which is awesome. :) Jenny thought she could fly too... remember, Ellen? Kara said it was like a plane taking off a runway... leave the metaphors to Ellen. Because you are actually using really lame similes. Similes use like or as, Kara. So if you're going to be a copycat- at least do it right. Simon said there are two ways to look at it 1- looking at him and liking him, and 2- listening as if they never met him. So basically- since they like you , it was tolerable.

When Simon leaves Idol- can we have 2 hour episodes of Glee instead?

Siobhan is singing "When You Believe." Alicia finds her "money spot," and encourages her to take the "moment." Step back from the mic. Ugh. She has butterflies on her shoulders. Who approved this? Wardrobe are you TRYING to get rid of her? I don't like her. Oh shit, the butterflies go down her arm. Really? AND UP TO HER HAND. Glad to see that the Siozombies didn't catch on. Randy was meh. Ellen loved it, because what else is she going to say? Kara said she still doesn't know who she is. Simon says the butterflies looked like leaves, and were distracting. STOP TALKING. I just love the song. Well, I am glad that you are having fun- because we aren't. Get the hell over yourself, you aren't curing cancer. I will forget you in three months. Glad you are getting to live your dream- but it ends if you don't stop being so self- indulgent.


Awkward Stool Time with Bog Mike. Apparently he has been keeping a running list of songs he wanted to do on Idol. He is singing "Hero," which was used to promote the SUPER hero Spiderman. So clever! He does a great job taking these really rock songs and softening the edge a little. This is ok. The background singers are a little lame. Kara hated it. Simon says tonight was supposed to be inspirational and it was about Spiderman.

Way to play a Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers commercial. If she had gone on it before the show- maybe she would have won. Burn. But it shows that even if you don't take home the grand prize- you can still be a star. :)

Crystal "i don't know if I can take this anymore" Bowersox is singing without an instrument for the first time. She is singing some kind of gospely song that I am kind of familiar with. And she totally cried at the end. Like, can barely finish it. Randy has to remind her that he has loved her since day one. Ellen says she is beautiful and noticed her bong like mic stand. Kara says they call her Mama Sox because she schooled everyone. Simon was glad to see emotion, because she had been closing off. She is fake hugging Ryan, and asks to use his hanky. He says he thinks it is taped in. She says "hollywood." He snarkily says "that's where we are." Yeah- which means that nothing you say to Ryan is off limits, lady. Good thing you cried and used the church songs to distract the fact that you are a little ungrateful for an opportunity that millions ask for. :)

And They are 4 minutes over. Not cool, it's Madonna night.

Idol Recap- Getting Rid of the Dead Weight

So- I am joining this program already 15 minutes in progress. I got really into Book Club and lost track of time. (NERD ALERT)

But- I am joining Andrew, singing his final song, and I am not so surprised. In his goodbye, Tim Urban is unknowingly stealing the scene. I say unknowingly because I really don't think that he is bright enough to be that manipulative. Roomie says the group sing was AWFUL, so glad I missed that too.

Oh, what was that? You asked what book I just read in Book Club that lead to the most conversation I think we may have ever had? Well, since Molly (btw- you are passed due for a blog, missy) and I are obsessed with true crime, and Chrissy likes to keep us happy, it was last month's theme. We read Mindhunter, which was written by the guy who basically created profiling. He tells stories about his interviews and studies with some of the most gruesome serial killers ever. Not really a light read, but so interesting and well written that we chat chat chatted. This is what you get to read about instead of the Idol Gives Back trip to Angola. But good for Kara for getting out there and getting involved.

Brooke, who I love a lot from last season, and some dude I never have heard of, and quite frankly, sucks are singing some song I have never heard of that the interwebs were trying to make seem like a big deal a few days ago. This guy thinks he is a vampire.

So, since it is 834, we get to find out who is in the bottom, and make them wait until the last 4 minutes. The bottom row is up- Lee Dewyze rambles. Siobhan stares weirdly. Katie Stephens looks frumpy, like she has already given up. Big mike looks like a ninja turtle. Sometimes I see people as animals, and that hat really brings it out in him. He gives a shout out tot he judges, who hope saving him wasn't in vein. The dirty hippie smiles with her 6 teeth. Tim Urban smiles, and the room brightens, even though he doesn't realize he isn't standing in the light. Crystal and Siobhan are safe. And Ryan creates this long drawn out business and has him sit. So the bottom are Tim, Katie and Big Mike.... who will turn into the incredible hulk if he is let go.

And now Adam can do whatever the hell he wants on the Idol stage without facing any criticism from Simon for being too showy. So he spends the first minute singing in green smoke. There is so much fog on the stage that it looks like he has no shins, and is just a floating torso. I hope they put up signs in the lobby that pregnant women and and those prone to seizures should be prepared for a fog filled laser lights show. Ryan talks to him, and Adam says that he owes Idol so much, because it prepared him for the ass kicking that the business gives you. Hear that kids? You think making 4 judges happy is tough? Try a marketing team, a record label, a management team, the media and the American public.

Ok, let's get this done. Tim Urban is safe. I fear for Katie's life if Big Mike gets angry. HAHA, American Idol was being tricky, and the one of the people there isn't even in the bottom three! Duh. Katie is out. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for not even bothering to try to put your appearance together. Why is she singing Let It Be? She is obviously crying, and it only brings out how crappily she handled this song. And Siobhan is crying again, because she is obviously best frineds with them all. Ugh, Katie, let this song be... and just go out gracefully please. I never thought I would be wishing for the for the cheesy montage. Ahhh. HERE it is.

Idol Recap- Whaddya Want From Me?

I am really excited about Idol tonight, because when it's over, GLEE is on.

I wonder(again) how much they spend in the lighting budget on the show. With my event production experience, I know that it is one of the cheaper ways to jazz something up- but seriously.

Kara is too dressed up compared to the other judges. At least it isn't sparkles this week. Ellen and Randy have decided they can BOTH wear vests, as long as one of them is sleeveless. Speaking of Ellen, I was a little geeked out when @TheEllenshow started following me on Twitter. I want you all to know that it will not sway my blogging, and if she says something stupid- I will still make fun. ;)

What?!?! Adam Lambert is the mentor for Elvis week? Where did I hear that it was for Queen week, or did I make that up? Is it because of the hair? Or is it the frequent use of glitter and glitz? Let's just hope he doesn't have the same obsession with fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches. Ahhh, Adam loves Elvis because he was a showman. He also acknowledges the fact that he is just beginning his career, so what does he know about mentoring. I am waiting for him to ----=omgomgomgomgomgomg Mr. Schuester is sitting right behind him!!!!!!---- come out with a Proactiv commercial. Shit, Katy Perry did it. Totally looks nothing like her in the commercial and it weirds me out every time. but. Ryan made some joke, and I totally missed it... I think it was borderline inappropriate.

The Dirty Hippie is singing "Saint," which I don't think I have ever heard. She is called "authentic" for the 8,352 time this season. Adam tells her to go electric and "let those dreads down." I hope bugs don't fall out. Randy thinks it was DOPE, and the second coming of Bonnie Raitt.... what? Ellen, instead of being repetitive, uses the time to say Happy Birthday to everyone in the audience. I know so many fricking Aries, it is ridiculous. They will be excited that they get the extra attention. Kara said something. Simon said it was original, blah blah. I really think I will just stop reviewing her. Wouldn't it be HI-Lar if everyone felt comfortable, and didn't vote for her--- and she was the bottom?? The judges have already used their "save." Yes, I'm dreaming. Yes, I have a thing against hippies that drives this thought.

Awkward Stool Time with Andrew. Damn, I thought they would have cut this to save time. He is reallllly boring. I though the tshirt/jeans/blazer combo peaked about 3 years ago... He is singing "Hound Dog," and Adam calls him out for being boring. Which he is. How has he made it this far? He's got the old school Elvis mic, and so far- it's boring. It sounds exactly the same as it did during rehearsal, when Adam said it was boring. Walking around the judges and towards the audience doesn't make it more interesting. Randy said it was "not good karaoke." Ellen wants more swagger, but he pulled it off. Kara thinks the mic was his crutch. Simon called it lazy, and it was the "part of the musical that no one wants to see or hear...." and "(his) coolness has been sucked out." So true. Ryan calls out that Ellen is the only one that liked it- apparently not understanding that SOMEONE has to fill the role of "the one that is always positive."

- took a twitter break, and found out the apparently the joke from Ryan involved tongues, and Brian Dunkleman. Somewhere, in his mother's basement, Dunkleman shoves another spoon full of Ben and Jerry's in his face. -

Tim is doing "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You." I think if he went with the UB-40 version, it would be gold. Adam says he should sing the end in the higher octave, like thoe Jonas Brothers do- because it makes little girls dial. Well, at least that's what he MEANS. Ryan is dancing with a random dude in the audience. It is too dark on the stage, and it doesn't really help the "I'm watching you from the bushes" face that he makes. Randy actually liked it, and the decibel level jumps. Ellen jumps in with another analogy- this time comparing him to tequila... the more she drinks it, the more she likes it. Simon liked it. Apparently the guy Ryan danced with was Michael Sarver, last season's "regular guy."

Lee Dewyze is jazzing up "A Little Less Conversation," and Adam tells him that his face is part of the performance, so maybe he should. His raspy voice goes a little better with the idea behind the song, which, in case you didn't know, is "shut your mouth and let's get busy." Randy geeks out. Ellen loves that it is more current, and reinforces that his confidence is what helps his performance. Kara loved the vocal- but wanted him to be a little more playful. Simon laughs at it and asks if she wants him to bounce around the stage. Simon loved it, and seems to be the only one that remembered that we are on limited time tonight. GLEE in less than an hour.

Aaron Kelly is singing "Blue Suede Shoes," because it is the probably the oldest type song he could pick, so at 16- naturally it would be the best fit. Adam tells him to get aggressive and grab his balls. Aaron realizes it's a bad choice, but could give a shit. Ugh. It seems very karaoke. Popped collar, bopping head, swaying hips... is he trying out for Grease? He then slows it down to a lounge act. Randy asks why it isn't the right song.. and his answer was "the drinking part." Randy liked the second half. Ellen thought it was a big song to take on, so it was an A for effort. Kara liked it because he was out of his comfort zone, and more current. The crowd seems shocked. Simon, of course, agrees with me. Old fashioned, karaoke, and a high school concert. He also said "frusss trAAY- ting" We are on the same level tonight.

It is so nice to be able to have two performances before a commercial. :)


Awkward Stool Time with Siobhan, and she has Elvis hair too. I hope that Adam tells her to stop trying to be him. "Suspicious Minds," is her song of choice- and he is sleepy, so he tells her to up the tempo. He says it is a "compliment" that people are comparing her to him. I wonder how many times he had to practice that to make it sound genuine. Her outfit looks like the one that Terry wears when she is a girl again in "Just One of The Guys." Damn you, google images for not providing me with a picture. And it is so 80's pop. Turrrrible. And the parents with her face on their shirt. Randy blah blah blah. Ellen thinks she looks fabulous, and liked the second half better, where she yelled like a banshee. Kara says she is confused by the two voices, and isn't crazy about it. Simon thinks it was erratic and not one of her best. Ryan wants to know what she should do next week. He says pick something that is more her. She says she doesn't know who she is, and that's ok, because who needs labels. Yup- and everyone gets a trophy, and everyone is special. Ugh.

Michael ins singing "In the Ghetto," which Siobhan recommended, because, you know, he's black. He slows it down and sings it on the chair with the guitar, because the ladies love it that way. Judges are kept to one sentence, because they realized that they wasted their chat time on the others. And they know they need it for Katie.

She is singing ".Baby Whatcha Want Me To Do?" because she wants to bring in the emotion of not knowing what the judges want into a song. Adam tells her that means she needs to rough it up, and you know, perform it. WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT. She is yelling into the mic half the time, and it is rough. Lights bonanza! Another tshirt family. Randy was "entertained," and seems surprised that it should be happening at this stage in the competition. Ellen said it was horny. Because there were a lot of horns. Kara got sassy. And Simon said it was annoying. But it doesn't matter what he thinks. When I look at her, I think of a comment from Showgirls. It is when the casting director is critiquing the girls, and he says to one (paraphrasing) "come back when you've screwed off the baby fat. " That's kinda how I feel about her.

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Casey is singing some song about misery. Adam tells him to make it more interesting, and he's like, "yeah, totally." Apparently "Cloudy, Miss Cloudy" is the song. His hair is pulled back, and his back up singers are on the stairs. It is weird. Ryan is really hanging out in the audience, and it is kind of creepy uncle with all the touching. Solid performance, blah blah. Ellen says it wasn't as exciting as she has seen.... Kara was bored. Simon called it a wasted opportunity. So, the show is ending on a downer...

Man- the bitches at Glee made sure this show ended when it was supposed to. Sorry Idol, you aren't the top dawg anymore. Don't mess with Glee fans, we've been waiting 4 months.

Who cares who goes home tomorrow? Fingers crossed for Siobhan and Aaron. Remember, there are supposed to be two. ;)


I'm not going to crazy spell check- because GLEE is on.