1, 2 Freddy's Coming for You

You may have noticed there was no Idol blog last night. That's because I was at a pre-screening for the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Before I tell you all about it, I should let you know that no one is paying me for this review- I just like to pretend like I am cool because I saw it early.

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. My friends and I even created a scary movie CLUB, where we take notes and rate movies in 5 different categories on a scale of 1-5 bloody hatchets. Yeah, no one ever said I wasn't a huge dork. Anyway- the point of this ramble is that I was SUPER excited about the Nightmare remake. As a fan of the original, I can see that some would see this as another lame Hollywood excuse to bring back a successful franchise to turn a profit. Don't get me wrong, that is totally what this is. Still entertaining.

Here are the spoiler free bullet points:

- There's no nudity. Probably a good thing, since this version clearly paints Freddy as a child molester. Talking about that and then showing Katie Cassidy's boobs would be in poor taste.
- It's gory. Blood splatters, throat slitting, knives through the back. Not for the weak of stomach.
- It heavily relies on the "jump" factor. You know, where it's really quiet, except for the creepy music, and you're just WAITING for Freddy to jump out. The girl next to me nearly needed a medic by the end. If she had been eating popcorn, instead of a pretzel, I would still be pulling the kernels out of my bra.
- The movie is predictable. It isn't a frame by frame remake, like Psycho was. It is a "re imagination." There are a few similar characters, like Nancy. But her police dad is nowhere in sight and her mom isn't a boozer anymore. :/ That fake tan, feathered hair an pink lipstick was incredible. New mom is a pretty red head.
- The front end is really death heavy. Which is entertaining, but when Nancy is trying to figure out the "who, what, why" there aren't many people to talk to.
- Original Krueger was creepier. The makeup in this film is a lot more realistic, which I thought I would like. But it just doesn't hit the same part in your gut. You see him more as a victim than a monster. And as the boyf pointed out, his voiceovers where super cheesey, a la Christian Bales's super deep Batman voice.

So, if you go in knowing that this is just another horror remake, you won't be disappointed. Don't go in expecting Oscar worthy performances or non stop action.

For those that really want to know some spoiler shit, read below...







- Kellan Lutz is the first to die, in a Drew Barrymore Scream kind of way. His make up is outstanding, and probably the best "I haven't slept for days" look that the movie offers.
- 3/4 of the teens die within the first 45 minutes of the movie. Katie Cassidy's flinging about the bedroom death is about as good as the original. Of course, Thomas Dekker witnesses it, and is arrested for her murder in about 6 minutes. You know, how most homicides work. Thomas Dekker's jail cell death is gory and disgusting and awesome.
- Things get kind of boring for awhile, with emo "Nancy" (some actress I've never seen) talking to "Quentin" about her dreams. It takes way too long for them to realize they are having the same dreams, and way too long for them to realize there must be some connection.
- We find that the kids were all friends in preschool, and the parents decided to just hide that fact, send them to different elementary and middle schools and then have them meet up and magically become friends in High School. Because that is totally plausible. They keep them apart because they want to be sure that the kids didn't remember that the preschool gardener was a molester. Nancy believes it but Quentin doesn't.
- While Nancy goes to research, Quentin pretends it is all just coincidence and heads to swim practice. He then transports from swim practice to the past,via dream sequence, where he sees his dad as the ring leader of the "kill the beast" scene. They chase Freddy to an industrial area, and light him on fire. Then, of course, Quentin thinks maybe Freddy didn't molest kids, and the parents killed an innocent man. So, he is coming back in dreams and KILLING PEOPLE to prove he isn't a bad guy. Stupid.
- Of course, Nancy uses the internet to find all the other kids from preschool. Because this is the best search engine in the history of the world, the weird and wacky deaths of the other preschoolers are the top 5 results when she searches for them. Because there is only one "Kate Jones," and she went to Nancy's preschool. She even gets to watch one kid's death via web-cam on his blog. Because most videos you post online get up their entirely on their own by magic. So even after you're dead- they can post themselves. Quentin comes and tells her his dream, and they realize they must go "learn the truth" by visiting the old preschool.
- FF through a drug store scene and a hospital scene and we end up at the preschool. It's fenced off, and apparently not at all demolished since 1997. Just dust and cobwebs. In Arizona, that shit would have either become a holding place for illegal immigrants, or a meth house. Just sayin. They go to the basement, where Freddy has been leading them, and find the "cave" that their preschool selves told their parents is where the bad stuff happens. Nancy was his favorite, so of course all of her naked kid Polaroids are found in a box. Terrible. They then realize Freddy is a sick fuck, and was bringing them there to remember, since memories are the source of his power.
- Nancy wants to save the day, just like in the original, and Quentin is supposed to wake her up when she is struggling, so that she can bring Freddy out of her dream to kill him. That never made sense to me in the original, and it is even weaker of an answer in this one. Of course Quinten falls asleep and fails, getting heavily injured in the process. Nancy then has this whole 10 minute creepfest with Freddy, ending up in her room on her bed in a grown up version of her kid dress. Freddy then tells her that he kept her alive long enough to get totally delirious and sleep deprived so that when she fell asleep, it would be a coma forever. You know, so he could sexually assault her for days and she wouldn't wake up and leave dream land. That is the creepiest time for Freddy.
- While Nancy is struggling, Quentin of course wakes up and tries to wake up Nancy- with no success. He then remembers the Epinephrine he stole from the hospital, and Pulp Fictions her into consciousness. She brings Freddy out, slits his throat, and delivers the classic "you're in MY world now, bitch" line that is standard in every horror film. They then light the place on fire, which brings the fire dept and paramedics. Which they needed, because Quentin's crashed car wasn't gonna get them back home through the corn fields.
- Nancy is home, and safe. She is talking to her mom- who happens to be standing in front of a mirror. We see Freddy's reflection stabbing mom and grabbing her into dream world. Fin.

Of course there is a set up for part two. Not sure whether it will be in production before the 2nd Friday the 13th. Word is, Jared Padalecki is holding up that production- waiting for the offer that includes his own personal on set hairstylist to make sure the 70's butt part is perfect in every scene. Joke. But seriously, WTF is up with his hair?

So- moral of the story- gory, jumpy and an actual plot- slow moving as it may be. Death toll could have been a little higher, but that's just me. ;)

So Your Girl Is Taking You to See Valentine's Day

With my frequent tweeting about the Green Bay Packers, I increased my male following. Sweet! So, in order to provide them with some more value, I decided to give them some help in the relationship world. Not the mushy stuff. The "be the good boyfriend and make it look easy" way. So this Valentine weekend, if your girl asks you to go see the movie "Valentine's Day," here's what you need to know....

This follows the movie style of super star cast ensemble as seen in "Love Actually" and "He's Just Not That Into You." So, bonus for you- lots of hot chicks.

Here is what you need to know about the chicks:
-within the first ten minutes, you will get brief ass glimpses from Jennifer Garner AND Anne Hathaway. If Anne has never "done it" for ya, take a look at her new GQ photo spread. You might change your mind. Also, spoiler alert: her character is a part-time phone sex girl.
-you get TWO Jessica's... Biel and Alba. But, I have to be honest. Alba has about 11 minutes of screen time, and Biel is too skinny.
- Both Shirley Maclaine and Kathy Bates keep their clothes on.
- Julia Roberts keeps her wide mouth horse laugh to herself.

Here's what you need to know about the plot:
-Many of the characters are inter-connected. Story lines overlap. It's nothing too complicated, but it helps to pay attention.
-Most of it is completely predictable. Especially if you have turned on a TV in the last week, and seen a commercial.
- The first 45 minutes are actually pretty funny, and move pretty quickly.... then... it gets mushy and a little depressing for about 35 minutes. Of course the last half hour wraps everything up in a pretty bow.
- There will be moments when there is an audible "awwwww" from every girl in the theater. Take this opportunity to squeeze your girl's hand. You will get bonus points.
-There is a pretty equal ratio of "guys are cheaters" to "girls suck." Well, at least more balanced than most chick flicks.

Moral of the story: there are way worse chick flicks you could see. At least this one has plenty of funny moments, and isn't ridiculously sappy. It would probably be a better bet that "Dear John." Take the bonus points right now, and buck up and see it.

And no---- I didn't make my boyfriend go. He bitches too much to make it worth dragging him. I don't recommend that route. ;)

For the record- no one paid me to blog about this movie. Just trying to help a brother out.

I Popped My Rocky Horror Cherry

So, this weekend we went down to Tucson for my littlest sister's Family Weekend at the University of Arizona (BEAR DOWN). In putting the final plans together earlier in the week, I found out that my sister would get extra credit in her media arts class if she went to see the Midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Somehow, she forgot who I was for a moment, and was surprised by how excited I was to go. Not just go.... go in full costume. I'm a big drama geek- expect nothing less. The next couple days, we researched characters, got costumes together, and prepared ourselves for the fun. Everyone who had been to a shadow cast Rocky performance before told me it was awesome. For those that might be unfamiliar, let me take a step back. A shadow cast is when they play the film on the big screen, and then actors act it out with props and costumes on a stage in front of the screen. Over the past 30+ years, casts across the country have been putting together these shows for Rocky Horror, with the same fun interactive scenes played out: Throw rice at the wedding! Call Brad an asshole! Jump up and dance along! etc, etc. We looked up all these gags, and got ready for the participation.

On Saturday night, we spent three hours getting ready while watching the movie. We were excited to see other costumed attendees when we got to the movie theater. Marked with our "V" to signify that this was our first time (virgins), we headed into the theater. There was a little game before, an "initiation" of sorts to get the "virgins" good and prepared. After that, the movie was set to begin... I waited for instructions... maybe what to do during the movie... nothing. I figured we were good to have done our research, and all would just come to us as the movie was going on. I was completely wrong.

Before I discuss the negative aspects of the show, I will give the highlights. Magenta, Trixie/Columbia, Brad and Eddie: thank you for putting forth effort in both your costumes and performances. Most often, shadow cast members are responsible for their own costuming, and you all made every attention to detail imaginable. You knew the show, and your cues and you frequently helped others that had not done the same to prepare. Kudos to you, and you can ignore the rest of this post, because you are not included in it.

Alright- now for the constructive criticism. I have been to a shadow cast show before. I saw Repo! shadow cast performance for the film's director and co-writer/actor at Chandler Cinemas before it closed. :( The actors and crew really put on a great show. The audience was engaged and excited. Knowing a few of the actors involved, I know that the cast worked hard at their weekly rehearsals. I cannot say the same for this cast.

Most of the cast (minus the previously noted) seemed distracted and unsure of their cues. Their lines were shaky, and their movements hesitant. Costumes left a lot to be desired. I know that multiple costume changes get expensive. But if the four of us were able to get something together in just 4 days- I would expect someone interested enough in joining the CAST would make more effort. Tucson has some of the best thrift stores I have ever seen, and there are PLENTY of websites that help with costume tips and tricks. This was my favorite. I am not going to call out the other cast members individually, but I will say this: there is a difference between looking creepy/disconnected, and giving an apathetic performance, and, if you are going to look like a deer in headlights, try not to get high before the performance. Also- it is helpful if you give the same level of performance all throughout. If YOU'RE bored- imagine how we felt.

In preparing for the show, I was excited for the "audience interaction" with the props and yelling. NONE of it happened. We had rice in our bags for the wedding scene... nothing. We had water guns prepared for the rain scene... nothing. We were able to do the time warp....So, there's that. There was some yelling from the crowd. One guy- obviously assigned by the cast- was the ring leader. He seemed to be going through the motions, and was giving his canned speech with his cues, seeming almost bothered to do so. Another guy, a "friend if the cast" decided to help by yelling half of the same lines just about two beats behind the other guy. There wasn't a chance we were going to hear what was going on and understand it. Half the time, the cast seemed to feel overshadowed by them, and watched them instead of performing. And, coming from someone who swears like a fucking sailor... let me tell you this: using the word "fuck" multiple times in every sentence doesn't make you edgy... it makes you crude. There are plenty more jokes to be made, you don't have to hang out in the gutter. Yeah, there's a lot of sex in the movie. Yeah, there are gay people. Yes, gay guys fuck each other in the ass. I GET IT. Did you hear audience 's laughter towards the end? No? Nothing? Yeah, it's because they had become totally disengaged. We ended up leaving just before the show ended, as we had gotten totally irritated by the entire production.

I get that you all have a bunch of fun together, hanging out, "practicing" etc. But, at some point, you have to realize that there are other people in the audience that paid to see a show, not two hours of your inside jokes. I have wanted to see a Rocky Horror Shadow Cast ever since I knew it existed. I was so looking forward to it, and told everyone I knew that I was going. When it was a disappointment, I was really sad. I WANTED it to be great. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

I hope that with this post, I can prevent someone else from having a bad Rocky experience. I hope that the cast and crew can realize that people do want to see a good show, and I hope that this motivates them to get it together.

I want to see a real shadow cast production. Has anyone seen it now that it has moved from Chandler Cinemas to the theater on Mill Ave? I want to sew up my Rocky Horror hymen and get it popped for real.

For those that want to see, here is me:

I made the sequined glove in the backseat while we drove from Phx to Tucson.
Also- I decided I wasn't ready to wear just my underwear in public.

I know what you did this weekend

So, this weekend I had a pretty serious helping of horror flicks. Here is a review of them all for your pleasure.

Friday- They youngest sister and I decided to use the "On Demand" feature on our Cox Cable package. Free movies-Fearnet. We picked the movies passe on their plot summaries.

If I Die Before I Wake: So- the cinematography is a little high school handheld. The entire set up of the film takes 3 minutes, where the camera pans through the house and all the bedrooms. Then, the bad guys enter. The 16 year old girl hides with the 6 year old girl, so that the bad guys don't find them. Note to self- buy a 5 ft tall stuffed dalmatian to hide behind in case of emergency. The acting is pretty terrible, and the script was probably written by a sophomore in high school. Things escalate rather quickly, and some people die. The 16 year old girl turns straight up Bruce Willis as John McClane. If you are looking for a film that will make you yell at the screen, and feel like you need to take a shower, then this is right for you. Just hope that you don't mind bad teeth.
Grade: B-

The New Kids: Lori Laughlin. James Spader. Eric Stoltz. How do you say no? For the first hour, you don't remember that you are watching a horror film. With the amazing work out montages, upbeat soundtrack, and Lori Laughlin's bangs- you are right in the middle of pure 80's heaven. Then- you remember that the kids (lori and some random dude) are working for their Uncle's Santa Claus theme park. Their parent's are dead, and they move to Florida to start fresh- hence the title. They meet some creepy kids, but nothing to crazy. We figured the storyline would develop into "haunted theme park." We waited about an hour... then instead, they decided to have James Spader and his wonderful silk button ups go TOTALLY MENTAL- and kill Lori Laughlins' bunny. We are then taken on a 23 minute tour of "we are hick guys and we get whatever we want." From nearly lighting Lori Laughlin on fire, to shooting her uncle in the stomach, to a trained pitbull attack, to a shoot out in Santa's Village, this movie really escalated quickly. All I know is- if I move to a small town, I will say YES when the creepo asks me out on a date. I don't want my cat Baxter decapitated and dropped into my shower.
Grade: B

Out of the Dark: A serial killer is targeting a group of phone sex operators in L.A. Say what?! Yeah, that is what we thought. This one was by far the best film of Friday night's marathon. This guy, Bobo, would call the ladies and talk about some pretty wicked stuff, and hang up. They didn't hink much of it- until girls started getting killed. The whole movie was funny scary, from the acting to the scripting. Allow me to paraphrase our favorite scene:
We see the owner of the phone sex company asleep in her bed. The phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is the detective. We just discovered the body of a girl in the park. She had your phone number in her pocket, so we think she may have been one of your girls. We are going to need you to identify the body."
"Ok."
"We are really hoping to get this whole thing wrapped up before lunch. We open at 9 am."
"I will be there at 10 am."
"Thanks for your cooperation."
Add a few soft core porn scenes and some gory murders and you have yourself a winner!
Grade: A-

The next night, my sister and I hung out with our "sister soulmates," another group of sisters similar in age and personality. They like cheesy horror as well, and have an amazing collection.

The Baby's Room (English title): I couldn't get my sister to agree to this one the night before- so I worked our friends, and got to watch it. C'mon now. A baby monitor that shows some creepy stuff? Yes! BUT- it was filmed in Spanish- and subtitled. And boring. And slow. And we turned it off after 45 minutes of nothing really happening.

Happy Birthday to Me: Another great 80's flick. A little slow going, this one is about a high school girl that is a part of an elite society at school. The Top Ten, as they are called, cause trouble and inter date a la 90210. We learn that there was some accident and follow up surgery that has made our heroine (some chick from Little House on the Prairie) a little bit out of sorts. There are some gory deaths that apparently were originally filmed grosser- but edited to receive an R rating instead of an X rating. Hilarious to us, considering the movie we watched next, but I digress. Any how- the ending is a little twisty and underdeveloped, basically because it was never actually written, just made up as they approached it. Good stuff though, and it led to some interesting discussion and goggling.
Grade: B- director's cut with added gore would receive an A

Midnight Meat Train: This is one that our friends brought. In hearing the title- I thought it could have been a porn. A recently made film, Bradley Cooper (yum) plays a photographer that is working on an assignment about life in the city at night. He captures the last known photos of a handful of people, as they disappear forever after boarding the subway. That's because that dude from Gone in 60 Seconds that doesn't talk is killing them all and taking their bodies to the underworld for feed time. I fell asleep a little, because I am old, so I missed a few things. But this film is by far the goriest film I have ever seen, including the modern "Amityville Horror." Hey, that one had a hot guy too.
Grade: B

So- go home and turn on your Cox on Demand (dirty), and see if you can find some more movie gold.