love in an elevator

The title is a little misleading. Because I did not experience "love" in the elevator this morning... I experienced nausea from walking into a fart zone. I was coming back from a meeting off site and walked into the elevator as a dude made a quick exit. I now know why he was so quick to exit- he farted in there. This leads me to educate people on proper elevator ettiquette. Here goes:

- Obviously, don't fart in the elevator. Apparently some people need to be reminded.
- When you enter, create balance and space with the others in the elevator. There is nothing worse than two people in an elevator standing right next to you. Don't get all up in mah grill in an enclosed space.
- If you are towards the top floor, don't stand near the door. I work in a building with 30+ floors. I exit on the first floor of my elevator bank, yet am frequently pushed to the back corner so that people who exit on the last stop can stand up front. I then have to squeeze by them to exit. Which leads me to the next one....
-If you are stuck up front, and it isn't your floor- pop OUT to let people out. It is much nicer than squishing your ass into the person already squished in the corner. Simply keep your hand in front of the door, and it will stay open. That gives it the added bonus of people thinking you are a lady/gentleman, when really you are just trying to get back in.
-If the elevator is full, wait for the next one. This is a rule i follow based on an irrational fear from childhood. I used to read those "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" books. One time I read this story called Room for One More, and it haunts me to this day. Every time someone says that, I politely smile, say "no thanks," and wait for them to plummet to their deaths.
-If the button is lit, don't push it again. It doesn't make it go faster.

I could go on, but you get the idea. So, please, the next time you take an elevator ride, please think of the possibility of someone entering after you, and pinch that fart back.

Taking it Back to the Old School

So, I am blogging on location today at the parent’s house. Not that it really matters to you… it doesn’t affect how you read it… BUT it may affect how I write it.

Intros, blah blah. I was in the other room. I came in just in time to see that the douche bag Jaime Fox is the Guest Judge for Big Band week, a qualification he earned by playing Ray Charles in a movie. Apparently he is classically trained, yet has no problem selling out with piece of shit songs like “Blame It.” You know what you SHOULD blame on the "al- a- a- a- uh alcohol?" Telling Miley Cyrus to get a venerial disease . Scum bag. Anyway- I am a hypocritical asshole for this reason: I expect people to understand that I can do and be many things. However, I have a hard time seeing certain celebrities in another light. Jaime Foxx is still that ass clown that came at the end of Living Color, right before it was cancelled.

Kris Allen “the way you look tonight.” One of my favorite songs ever, and apparently Jaime is impressed. Practically offers to record an album with him. It is too early to tell how serious he is. HE might be like Paula and love everyone. Hey- Kris- the microphone can be removed from the stand… oh shit, we are getting big bandy in here…. He makes me giggle like a schoolgirl when he looks at me with those bedroom eyes. The youngest sister, watching for the first time this season says “weak ending.” She is not easily swayed by cuteness of boys. I trained her that way because I don't want o be an aunt too early. Judges love it. Paula’s dress looks like an origami project. One thing that Kris does well- take Simon’s criticism. What the heck does he mean by “it’s wet.” I appreciate the “like walking a cocker spaniel… safe and nice” comment.

The younger sister, essentially my twin and I sing along to the Mini Sirloin Burgers commercial. Rad.

Stool time with Ryan… Allison, who turned 17 yesterday is allowed to show us that she has an actual personality. Jaime Foxx says something lame about her not being old enough to be in love, while I am sure she has a friend of a friend that is pregnant. Just saying, kids grow up quick these days. Also- she looks 27. I like the richer hair color. My mother walks across the house to say… “wow. She atucally has a decent outfit on.” Sister laughs, and mom (who says she doesn’t watch) says "no. you should see some of her outfits.” Calling you out mom. You watch. Judges blah blah. I am trying the new thing that Simon does and kinda stare off blankly. Simon says she is good but because she has the personality of a carrot, she is in trouble. Kara does her “trying to be the cool aunt” call out and spaz arm movements to tell Simon he is wrong. Ha. You know what I am talking about.... that lady is just old enough to not really be relevant anymore, but thinks she is still hip and with it. THAT is Kara.

Stool time with Ryan. Matt is in a really dorky hat. Sister says “heyyyyy gums.” I can’t hear “My Funny Valentine” without thinking about Janice from Friends.Ha, she had big gums too! So, apparently, Jaime Foxx let Matt leave the room without criticizing him, and then had an “oh shit” moment and let him back in. And gave some actual criticism, like "stop the dog and pony show with the notes and scales and actually sing a little bit." I am not sure how I feel, but after last week, we know that Matt fans are crazy. What?!?! Randy says it’s “pitchy.” Gasp. Randy never uses THAT phrase. Matt just “whatevered” Kara… not a good idea. Paula feels a connection, when no one else does. She feels the emotional connections from rocks. They have an aura after all. Simon, just to be fun, disagrees with Randy and calls him brilliant.

Danny Gokey, the ass clown. Jaime Foxx got up in his grill to help him perform better. Ugh. So Danny actually sang tonight, instead of resting on the wind from the dead wife vote. “I would not want to be that microphone.”-sister. “why?”-me “it seems to be covered in spittle.” Ha. I am so filled with hatred for him that I can no longer judge him fairly. I ask the sister, and she says. “Meh, it was ok. But I wouldn’t give him all the credit THEY do.” Then I decided I didn’t want to write about him anymore.

Adam is doing “Feeling Good” and Jaime loved it and rambles and cries Paula style. Has Adam gotten a little face pudge? HA. The stairs are electric pink. I love that he never says… “ I would like it to be more masculine.” His kinda orgasmy singing style is a little much sometimes… but HOLY SHIT what an amazing ending. When he finishes , he smiles proudly like he is waiting for the Miss America crown. The judges nut all over him. Simon may have said the best stuff- “randy’s comment about you being too theatrical is kinda like complaining about a cow mooing.” He then makes a statement about society’s view of winning, and how it is good to go for what you want and make an effort to compete, instead of accepting your mom’s pat on the back.

Matt and Allison are bottom two, unless, by some freak accident, Adam’s fans decide not to vote this week.

Bears, So hot right now

Apparently I am not the only person who has gone Bear Crazy. After spending some time on Digg this weekend, I found that most males between the age of 16 and 26 are quite obsessed with bears as well. Here are a few of the top stories:

I shall call him, Bear. A pregnant woman, walking briskly to avoid a bear attack was struck by a slow moving vehicle (she's ok). Apparently she thought the bear was just curious about her, and is sad that it was captured and euthanized(after she identified him in a line up, apparently). She vowed that her child, boy or girl, will be given the middle name of "Bear."




This video, uploaded to you tube over 3 years ago, shows the hot dog eating champion of the world taking on, you guessed it, a bear. Hilarious. the commentators remind me of Jason Bateman and that guy from Office Space in Dodgeball, adding a level of seriousness to utter insanity.

And, for a farm and fuzzy to start your Monday... here is a big bear hug .

All Right... NOW I am Jealous

So, some of you may have read my lame photo blog the other day from "working with a bear." He was stuffed. Today, I saw this. This guy gets to hang out with a bear ALL day, EVERY day. I have already entered in my cell phone number for a text reminder when it airs on National Geographic.

What the hell? I have a stuffed bear, and this guy gets a real live one?!?! Seems a little unfair to me. Asshole.

Best part of the website? Are You Bear Aware? It has video blogs about what it is like living with a Bear. National Geographic is AMAZING.

The Last Dance for Two of the Three I Hate Most on Idol

Well- you get a double blog today. Just posted my experience about working with a bear, because I am ridiculous.

The opening on Idol tonight was so funny dramatic, and just proved the Lil is an idiot, AND a bitch.

I think Ryan just may have said that Paula choreographed tonight. This is a fun little segment- part "pimp Paula" and part "now that the blind guy is gone, we can get freaky." You forgot about the blind guy , didn't you?!?! Also- I don't think Adam has ever done hard labor in his life. Bottom all the way.

So- they are wearing ridiculous outfits. And we are back to the pre-recorded medleys- because obviously people can't sing and dance at the same time. Oh. Wait. It's called Broadway and it is totally possible. THOSE people are real performers. Holy shit this is awful. Things we know: Adam has got the hip action down- Matt is good pre-recorded- Danny Gokey should break a leg before the tour and stop this dancing nonsense- Paula is really trying to show her (limited) value this year- and apparently there were other disco artists than Donna Summer (that's for you, Kenn)- and Kris is adorable in anything.

So- just got a google message from the boyf, telling me he knew who was kicked off tonight. I told him that I already knew one, since my NY friend spilled the beans on Facebook. She is a crazy Matt fan, so she dialed for two hours on her NY phone, and then two hours on her AZ phone for Matt. I am telling you- saving him last week was totally part of the plan, and his fans (like my crazy friend) made it happen. He is safe. And I know one of the people who leaves. I made it clear that I want the rest to be a surprise. I think from here on out, I will have to avoid all social media on Wednesday nights. Because people really show their cuckoo colors now. This friend is one of theose Idol fans I make fun of (to her face, don't worry) because they really get attached to people. I won't name her- but she can own it in the comments if she wants.

These Ford commercials are tardo. And these are the worst lip synchers in the world. I love that most of them are in on the joke, and totally laugh. When do those stop? Isn't Ford bankrupt yet? Or are these marketing dollars really worth it?

Lil- has terrible huge earrings. The lights are too low... Ryan totally cock teases her... says "you really want this don't you.... we really need someone like you.... come over here." She is taken to the other side of the stage. And then he says "Lil Rounds, so tough- mother of three- and BIG LOSER BECAUSE SHE IS OUT." Wow. Just ripped it like a band-aid. NOW I am cranky, because Lil was the one I didn't know went home. Well, I mean I KNEW because I can predict the movements ofAmerica. So, essentially the rest of the evening is just watching the episode, knowing what is going to happen.

Blah blah blah. Send her home already. Where is the video montage?! Waa waaa. Also- her hair looks better longer, for sure.

Okay- now we have a medley of disco singers from "before we were born." BTW Ryan- YOU are old. Last time I checked, Disco was alive in 1974 . "Band of Gold" Lady- Botox forehead- nice arms- tiggo bitties. Working hard for the money, so you better treat her right. Song is a little long... she is too od to keep pace with this and is panting from too much choreography. Thelma Houston with a dead bird on her head, and totally missed her intro. "Don't Leave Me This Way." She says "Simon, please don't leave me this way." Love it. Her boobs look like they are trying to make an exit. KC without the Sunshine Band. I hate that stupid earring. You would think he gave it up by now. He has some old lady dancers, nice work.

I am really excited for this "Glee" show.

So- here we go... Kris is safe. Duh. Now we talk to Adam.. blah blah... "risk" blah blah "lyrics." Thanks Ryan for curtly telling him to take a seat because he is safe. Danny Gokey, ass clown extraordinare. Whoa... Simon just licked his lips and it made me feel funny. Oh Jesus- the clumsy thing.... apparentlythe "bloggers" thought is was harsh. NOT THIS BLOGGER. Danny says he meditated on it. blah. blah- ass clown is safe. Surprise.... he is so excited, but it is really just postponing the inevitable. Anoop- Did his eyebrows grow from last night!? Ryan is "getting right to it" tongiht. I like the take charge attitude. Allison- and Matt please stand. Allison's hair looks semi- normal. I mean, for fuschia hair. Matt- the thing on his forehead bothers me. And he looks like he is gonna cry. He is so goofy. One of these tow schmoes is bottom two. And Matt is totally safe. Wow. I thought he was gonna be in the bottom and then saved... but he is not even there... WOW. Simon really put the fear in the Matt fans. My aforementioned friend actually fell asleep cell phone in hand. They are dedicated. And, it is time for Allison to get a reality check, and stop dressing like a little girl going ape shit in her mom's closet .

David Archuleta sucks. My sister (the Marine) stopped by to borrow my camera and saw him. She said "why does he need a girl back up singer? He IS a girl." HE WAS JUMPING ON THE STAGE. Lame. Blah Blah.

Here is a random story that is more interesting than Idol. Apprently, the parents got the garage floor recovered today. As it was drying, a brave lizard thought he would travel across it, and got stuck. My sister didn't want to smash it and ruin the wet floor. But couldn't peel it either. She asked my dad what to do, and he said to wait until it died to clean it up. My sister said "It could take three days." My dad said, "well it's his fault." Haha. My dad is an ass.
Apparenlty his $900 floor > a lizard's life.

Anoop goes home. Thank goodness. We hear him sing one last time, and then he says he is ready to go home to Chapel Hill and rake in a good few good lays before he falls off the face of the Earth.

Here is a joint goodbye montage. I would be PISSED if I was around this long, and was part of a joint montage. Well- at least we ended on time.

Okay- so sister says..."wait, what's her name?" I say "Lil." She stares. Much like the boyf did a few weeks ago when he asked the same question. To her, I said... "Lil- Like Phil and Lil." And my sister smiles and says "she was named after a Rugrat ?"

Hanging with Mr. Bearington

So, after I called her out in the blog last night, SUPER Intern showed up today with a bear. In a suit. Absolutely RAD. The following is a photo blog of our day together.


8:30 a.m.- Reported to duty (he could come in late on his first day)



8:55 a.m. Checked messages- made some calls.


9:12 a.m. First trip of many to the printer.


9:15 a.m. Caught up on some water cooler talk with a co-worker (one that was not particularly amused by a bear shadowing all day- one recently married McGrumperston- she knows who she is).


9:24 a.m. Grabbed the projector from the I.T. room for a lunch meeting.


9:35 a.m. Made a lame joke about bringing home the money to the Mrs. Ugh.


9:48 a.m. Got some green tea before a meeting.


10:03 a.m. Meeting with the Marketing Team about some signage.


10:17 a.m. Got caught by the receptionist trying to make a butt photo copy.


10:21a.m. Stopped by the mailbox on the way back to my office.



10:22 Said hi to Kenn and played with the "easy buttons."


10:58 a.m. Headed to a luncheon... (this is when I got a really confused look from my boss)


1:23 p.m. Mr. Bearington pretends to be the speaker! (FYI: A convo with the boss about the reason for dragging a bear around all day is hilarious. She knows I am crazy, and laughed.)


1:38 p.m. Helping the I.T. guy with some computer updates. (He wasn't really surprised that I had a bear with me all day.)


2:18 p.m. Brief "joy break" with a Television Without Pity Idol Recap. I would link it, but I would be afraid you would think they are funnier, and stop reading my blog.


2:58 p.m. Video review for an upcoming program(that's why it is so dark)

At the end of the day, I had a few other things to finish for an early meeting tomorrow. He totally took a nap. I tried to add the picture, but my phone is stupid.

So- moral of the story in working with a bear. They are fun and amusing, but not necessarily the hardest workers.

You Should BE Dancing, YEAH

So, that few minutes before Idol starts where I watch TMZ makes me dumber.

I love the dramatic open about the "judges save." Duh. Of course we are gonna leave it to the end... and send home two, when there are three that suck.It is simple people, seriously. So, if we have an open that tells us about it, why do we need Ryan to tell us again? This is how we run over.

This week is Disco, by far the best week of every Idol season. Why? Because it separates the "I have a really great story that suckers America" and the people that are legitimately marketable.I have been so excited all day! So, we will have idiots like Llil and Anoop that are EPIC Fails, and rock stars like Adam that make it their own. Someone should just rent a Baz Luhrmann film, and do disco like he does. I hope that Adam does that Someone Left the Cake Out in the Rain song.

Lil- "I'm every woman." Who is surprised? Not me. She picked some big song, and didn't change a thing. Apparently the past 6 weeks of the judges telling her to stop doing lame karaoke versions and to make it her own never happened. Simon, you should have just talked to a wall. One good thing: hair extensions. She actually looks her age. She is an idiot. Kara has the best line ever: "you've been every woman on that stage, blah blah because you haven't been yourself." Haha. Paula babbles about an "inner goddess" and tries to guilt the audience into voting because Lil was sick yesterday. Simon says she's gone. "Copycat." Duh. Why do we care about her feedback? AND she is disagreeing. Because she is STUPID.

Stool Time with Ryan. Kris is adorable.

Kris Allen- Donna Summer- "She Works Hard for the Money." He is so freaking cute, and totally gets it. He does a Jason Mraz/Kenny Loggins hot acoustic version. And we are in love. THIS is what disco night is about. His wife is less cute, and they are not tagging her as his wife in the lower third anymore.Bye bye starter wife. Paula says something lame about "shopping in the womens' dept" and Simon calls her crazy. Simon loves Kris. There is a weird light on Randy- and he looks like an angel.

Earth Wind and Fire- Danny Gokey- "September." I want to kick him in the nards. What do you know? One of the lame ones that is only there because America loves a dead wife does a lame karaoke version. Because, c'mon... he is not EWF material. Because he is a dorky white guy. FYI Paula: THIS woman does not think Danny Gokey is sexy. Thanks Simon for keeping it real.

Allison in a terrible outfit. "Hot Stuff." I was concerned, because there are flames all over the stage. But she rocks it slow in the beginning. And continues to rock it. But good God. That OUTFIT. I get that she wanted to use the disco ball idea, and that she wanted to use the cool 70's suit tails. And she wanted to use the blue eye shadow and the mini boots.... but do we need it all at once? It his hilarious to me that she looks surprised that he says she is one of the best singers in the competition. Paula tries SO HARD to sound relevant. Maybe she should take two steps forward, and two steps back.

I love this stupid Burger King SpongeBob commercial. It cracks me up that people say that it is "teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids." Right... because THAT is where they picked it up. Not you stuffing your face and watching basic cable. Get over it people. Television is not responsible for raising your kid.... you are. It's called parenting. Read a book about it.

Stool time with Ryan. Apparently Adam chose "If I Can't Have You, I Don't Want Nobody" because it is more personal to him...little gay boys across the country are moved. Did you know that he is gonna win? Haha. PAULA IS CRYING. So, she needs to get her hormones checked. It is time for the change of life. I love that Simon can be relevant by just speaking the truth. Thank you Adam for acknowledging that someone helped with that arrangement. He is always good about that, but the judges talk over him.

Matt (who was saved last week, in case you wondered) is singing "Staying Alive." He is kinda . mixing it up. A little jazzier. Please click on that because it was gold. Feedback from the judges: not the best song choice, but it was good. Paula talks about bowling. Simon didn't like it, and poor Matt looks like his dog just got hit by a car. Hey America- guess what?! That was Simon's way of forcing you to vote for Matt so he doesn't go home. He thinks that Lil and Anoop should go home- but you aren't smart enough to listen, so he must use fear.

Ok people. I believe that last week, I said that I wanted to work with a bear, based on the really cool Vitamin Water commercial. After reading my blog, one of the interns from work told me via facebook that she would make it happen. She didn't. What should I do about it?

Anoop- I missed the title, because I wasn't paying attention. Also- I hate Anoop. His outfit is stupid. Oh. "Dim All the Lights." That he has slowed down... that doesn't work- because the song is about dancing, not unrequited love. Ok. A little better tempo, but he just creeps me out. I blame America's obsession with Slumdog Millionaire on him still being in the contest. He is not that talented. 3/4 judges like it. Guess who is a genuis. Funniest thing: Anoop's dad/gpa is caught laughing when Simon calls it horrible. Ha. Sounds like something my dad would do. He's kind of an ass. That's where I get it.

So, it is 8:00 and we are on recaps.... We end at 8:01?! Well, we should, especially since there was no guest judge.... Which is weird. Because isn't there a Gibb that hasn't been on here yet? Or some lame 70's star that is trying to make a comeback? What is David Cassidy ?

FYI- I am kinda creeper out by Fringe. But that is a totally different topic all together.

interesting stuff for a Monday afternoon

Here are a few interesting things to take a look at, as you pretend to be busy and motivated on a Monday afternoon.

I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom . No- I didn't, actually. It is a line from a rap song. ;) Anyhow- some people got bust in a Taco Bell bathroom, and two little girls walked in on it. Apparently there were two women "servicing" two men, and "making funny noises." Okay, I would be irritated at my 5 and 11 year old daughter's walking in on that. BUT if it upset me enough to cry about it on a tv interview, I would have thought twice before REPEATING THE WHOLE STORY with the 5 year old SITTING ON MY LAP.

Unicorns exist. So, this old lady had a horn growing out of her head for 20 years before she got it surgically removed. At that point, why wouldn't you just join the circus? At least you could make some money while people laugh at you. How did her family let her keep that thing that long?!?!

Right.... evolution is bullshit... Look at this crazy hairless monkey, and tell me it doesn't look like my grandpa. I won't attach a picture of my grandpa (that would be insensitive), but you get the drift.

Speaking of old people, I could take on 32 in a fight. I have previously taken the quiz about taking on 5 year-olds. Taking on 90 year-olds sounds much more appealing.

Bet this guy will never eat wings again. Seems to me this guy was lucky he wasn't deep fried and battered in hot sauce. Perv.

Now get back to work.

we've got a lot to cover here

I really need to be better about posting over the weekend, so that I can avoid one big one on Sunday night. But that would mean that I would have to slow down L-I-V-I-N.

In case you were wondering, 17 Again is wonderfully amazing. It is also the best old person turning young and learning a life lesson movie ever. Especially because it takes the hotness of Zac Efron, and the humor of Matthew Perry and creates my dream man. Sigh. Yes, I am 26. Get off it. :P

Added bonus: this kid at the movie theater totally looked like him. Having no shame, I totally snapped a picture:



On Saturday- I was opened to a whole new world- Guitar Hero. I know, most people have been exposed to this much earlier. I have no excuse. But- I want to let you know, that I am the best Bass player in the world . I play in the band Jock Strap and the Elastic Waistband... but since that doens't fit well on posters, we go by Jock Strap.

Watched Quarantine today. Totally creepy. Basically- this film crew is following some firemen and they end up at a random call in an apartment building. After finding a freaky old lady gone bonkers, all of the residents, the camera crew, the cops and firmen get locked into the building. Some crazy version of rabies is being spread. I watched Family Guy to try to make things better, but then had to go home to a dark and empty house... with a cat that may or may not have had rabies.

Just a little taste of the weekend. Gonna watch Tough Love before bed. When I wake up, it's Monday. Joy.

memories... light the corner of my mind

This afternoon, I have been working on some of those boring tasks that you put at the bottom of the to-do list. Always a great way to spend a Friday afternoon. Keeps me out of trouble at least.

While working on these mundane tasks, I need to listen to music to keep me going. There is an album that I haven't listened to in pretty much forever: Plain White Tee's, Every Second Counts. The funny thing about it is that I cannot listen to this album without thinking about what was going on in my life at the time , and how different things are now- how much I learned about myself, etc. And that was just two years ago.

I have that kind of connection to music. I can't hear Johnny Mathis without smiling, imagining my Grandma singing incredibly off key but with all her heart. Can't hear "Drops of Jupiter" without thinking of sorority recruitment in college , and how much I loved all those girls. I hear "Don't Worry Be Happy," and think of the 1st grade field trip to the petroglyphs - my mom was a chaperon and drove us in the new van.

Sometimes I wonder what other people think of when they hear certain songs. Feel free to comment with any of your personal faves.