This is IT-Make No Mistake Where You Are..the Waiting is OVER! (Idol Recap)

In case you were wondering, I LOVE Kenny Loggins(hence the title). I thought I would be more excited about this night... but I am slightly lackadaisical. I also have a headache- but that makes no difference to you all. I need to get my head in the game.

So-opening montage.... made it look like there was actually a competition last night. For anyone who actually watched it, that is not the case. Joely Fisher is in the audience- and Janice Dickinson. It is the "hottest ticket in town," Ryan says.

100 million votes came in. Really? Do they round up? Is it really 98,567,008 and they bump up? How does that work?

In the judges intro- Ryan cues a video for each of them, making it seem sweet, when all they do is point out their faults. Love it. Randy looks like an idiot... AND THEN THE MOST AMAZING MONTAGE of "for me." Because, in case you didn't know, there are 25 words in his vocabulary, including : yo, dawg, pitchy, you know, didn't feel it, not your thing. Hahaha. Kara's montage includes "honey/sweetie." Which can be SO condescending. Or maybe I am just sensitive. ;) What are they gonna do for Paula? Haha. All the big words she could mutter out. It' great being sober, isn't it Paula? Simon- instead of highlighting that he is the only one worth a damn- they go the way of listing all the times he couldn't hear/didn't get it.

So, the finalists come out in white. And Kris's mik is messed up. AND Adam's.... WHO IS RUNNING THIS SHOW?!?!?!? I love it when they go to their hometowns and rally. In Arkansas, they interview a 4 year old. What does she matter, she can't even dial. In San Diego, last season's tattoo lady is reporting live. She is from San Diego, and mentions how she couldn't bring home the trophy, so Adam better do San Diego proud.

Haha... the best time of this finale... previews of the upcoming tour.. "SO What" with the full 13- I can't believe Pink let them dork up her song like this. Have some standards, seriously. There is some dude up there I totally forgot about. That Puerto Rican guy. Scott is doing an amazing job with the choreography(seriously-I am pleasantly surprised). Hopefully he will be an inspiration to Stevie Wonder, who will get up from behind the piano. Wow. I totally forgot about all these ass clowns. And when you see them all together, it is so obvious that Adam stands out as awesome. I didn't even see Kris...

David Cook, last year's winner is here performing. I was wondering when we where bringing him on. I forgot that there was this two hour bullshit of performances from him, and the lame mixes for the tour and apparently some Surprise Guest performance we won't believe. You should have heard the local fox idiots trying to guess who it would be on last night's show. I swear, I feel dumber watching the Phoenix news. NBC is my morning watching, because Scott and Tram really ARE the perfect morning blend. But as far as the rest of these ass clowns- idiots. Anyone who moves here from a REAL big city can't believe it. It's embarrassing, really. David Cook was sensitive tonight. I don't know that I remember that from him. He looks like a waiter. Did his brother die or something? Sad- I think so. The proceeds of the sale of this song on ITunes are going to some cancer research. That is what I am talking about for Idol Gives Back. God for them.

So now the lame portion where the ass clowns from auditions get one more minute of fame. This is the garbage that is so fake during the audition process. How many of these people realize how bad they are, and how many are total fakers with an itch to get on tv. I feel kinda bad for those that don't know how bad they are. They stand up there totally dejected as even Paula laughs at them. You would think I would be all over that shit. But not when the people aren't in on the joke. The obvious winner for spazziest male is that dude in the metallic shirt that made the top 30 with his dorkiness. He comes up to accept the award. And says some garbage about not being prepared, and just before I was going to bitch about the Idol producers needing to have more control He throws off the jacket and gets his performance on. See- this guy knows exactly what he is doing- trying to start a comedy career. More power to him.

Duet- Something about rain with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifa. Lil Rounds looks great with hair extensions. She actually looks her age. Not like a 35 year old housewife. Queen Latifah's outfit is no bueno. It is kinda like that Jessica Simpson problem, where the outfit makes her look 30 pounds heavier. I bet the people from Jenny Craig are PISSED. Women across the country are pushing away their pre-packaged lasagna casseroles and digging out the ice cream.

So Anoop and that blonde short haired girl start to butcher "I'm Yours." They were probably nervous, becomes then Jason Mraz enters. Harmonies are weird. And that blonde girl sounds like she is starring in "I'm Yours-In the Butt." Seriously- heavy breathing moaning. Terrible. And the full idol cast joins in for the chorus. Can I tell you- If I were a celebrity, I would not be able to attend this night, because I would make faces and laugh at people.

And now a Kris Allen video montage-We remember that Simon told him from the beginning that he needs to grow a pair and stopped being so modest. AND they totally show his beauty queen surprise face that was so beautiful a few episodes ago. His wife is goober. He is now singing with Keith Urban. This is a cute little song about kissing a girl. Perfect for Kris because it is so sweet and unassuming. What the hell is Keith Urban wearing. I think somebody switched his shirt with some 3rd grader's backstage.

Weren't they going to have a green finale or something? Because that is a crazy light display. Hmmmm.

So now the girls are doing "Glamorous." A song from Fergie- two years ago. Their outfits are stupid, and Megan sounds like shit. Oh- because Fergie is here. Looking like a dominatrix. Why is she booked? She doesn't have a new album, does she? Because she isn't singing from it. OH. Here come the Black Eyed Peas. THAT'S RIGHT. They have a new album. Yeah, let's have Fergie stick to back up. I actually really like this song- Boom Boom Boom. This reminds me of those single days that I would spend at "Whiskey River," drinking 25 cent Jack Daniels from 7-9, and then drunkenly dancing to this stuff until at least midnight. It was like a weekend in the middle of the week. And I would make it into work the next morning, ready to rock at 6:30 am. Those were the days. Now I am all coupled up- and way to old.

Next winner for the golden idols. fucking Bikini Girl. I hated her so much. This girl- Alexis who flipped up Simon when he told her she couldn't sing. She was weird. And then there are these people that suck so bad- and don't know it- and are supported by family. And the lame Bikini Girl comes in.... Duh. And she kisses Ryan on the lips and he says the best thing ever..."I was gonna ask you what's new- but I think I know." Because she totally got new boobs. Now she is singing again. Go to the strip club, that is where you belong. Hahah... and now Kara comes in and proves to her that she can sing.... I don't know that bikini girl knew about it... and that is awesome. Because she just looks like an idiot up there next to Kara. And tries to sing over her... Kara is a goober for sure, but she is comfortable enough in her talent and femininity that she doesn't have to prove how great she is by bouncing about in a bikini doing scales. and KARA OPENS UP HER DRESS AT THE END REVEALING A BIKINI UNDERNEATH. That is awesome. Apparently a bet went down, so now Ryan Simon has to pay out to some charity. Wonderful television right there.

Allison and Cyndi Lauper- Rad. I would pay to see this. Allison is so talented. Can't wait for her album. Megan the spac needs to take some cues from Cyndi Lauper- A unique voice that isn't annoying and lame. I am amazed that Allison is totally unfazed by the fact that she is doing a duet with Cyndi Lauper. I would SHIT my pants. I am always amazed at how she carries herself at 17. In stage, at least. Because otherwise she has no personality. I think Cyndi actually came to more than one rehearsal for this. Because they sound amazing together. Awesome. Period. That right there was better than all of last night's show.

Okay- Kris Allen's parents. She is in an evening gown. His dad totally looks like a politician. I think he should run for office in Arkansas. He would totally win. Oh- now we realize that Adam is actually here. Parents are proud.

Ugh- Danny Gokey gets to perform... AND HE DOES LIONEL RICHIE. When I heard this the first time, I thought it was perfect. Slow and jazzy, and lame and the type of song an ass clown would sing, thinking it was about love. Hello, Lionel Richie- Does he have a new album? WTF is he doing here. Where is Nicole? This is so 90's, and LAME and
Caribbean." And it fits exactly what I mentioned above. This is really a perfect pairing of cheese. Gokey would have been a hit in 94. I can't wait to see the "where is he now" episode in a few years, where he has packed on the LBs, singing in casinos and bearded. HAHA Ruben Studdard is here. What a fail of an Idol he was. That whole season was a cluster fuck. Kinda like "Nightmare on Elm Street 2." That was a waste of brain power.

In case you were wondering- I will not be blogging about SO YOU Think You Can Dance. For a few reasons- mary murphy screaming and two nights of blogging. So- It will prolly be bachelorette. It works better in my schedule, and let's be serious. I don't get paid for this, so I gotta make it work.

And now the video montage of Adam. I don't really remember him in the auditions. And he has gotten microdermabrasion, so that is good. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HE IS WEARING A JACKET WITH BARBED WIRE WINGS. I know that I know this song, but I can't place it. Something about Beth, and how he can't make it because him and the boys will be playing all night. And Adam sings it kinda dirty, like- all those who aren't sure- I am talking about playing with the dudes in a sexual manner. And then KISS. So, Adam is the most normal looking person on stage right now. Holy shit, this is amazing. I want to rock and roll all night and party every day in detroit rock city. Well- I think we know who is the real rock star of these two finalists. Let's not even pretend anymore.

It's 8:23, and we haven't had the Ryan "right after this..." yet. Thank you to whomever decided to actually put content in a episode for once.

So- Carlos Santana is up. Apparently he has a two year gig at Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Hm. I love his guitar skills- we will just have to see what the show would consist of. Because if it was two hours of him playing guitar- Her is my money. But if it is two hours of him playing guitar while lame Vegas performers sing- no bueno. So- Matt came in and did the vocals for black magic woman. And now Smooth- One of my least favorite songs ever. Adam- the puerto rican guy- Kris- and the Gokester Sing. Adam's ass looks fat in those pants. Then this weird full cast sing a long in the round. HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Scott got a little to close to the stage for my liking. And Megan is next to him, so I don't trust that he is safe. She might use her witch power to push him off, hands free.

The last Ford Video. Weird. And now- a big surprise for Adam and Kris with David Cook- keys to a new fusion hybrid. And Adam laughs. Great.

Steve Martin- Megan Joy and David Sarver. Would you ever imagine that in your wildest dreams? I am chatting online with the boyf, and he says "steve martin is playing a fucking banjo."The creative director for this show needs a raise. Did they all just come up with the craziest ideas, and then say- we can do it- we are American Idol- we can do whatever we want- we are Ameri-fucking Idol. This is a cute little bluegrass number- Sarver is a little out of place- but who else would agree to sing with Megan? The vampire and the witch. Perfection. Steve Martin is asked who he thinks will win- "I know it is a long shot, but I hope it's me." Rad.

Lame group sing with A Rod Stewart song. All the dudes. If you want my body..... I can let you know that there is really only one dude up there that I would halfway consider in a sexual fashion. And he is married, so- no luck. And here is Rod Stewart. In a plaid jacket. He sounds like SHIT. So, at what point does an artist need to realize that the lyrics he is singing no longer are relevant. Rod Stewart is far passed school age. Maggie should meet him in the nursing home. Let's be real. OMG - Bo Bice, singing along. I couldn't have written this episode if I tried. Bravo, Idol. Why does Rod Stewart get a full 3 minutes with no Idol back up? Who wrote HIS contract?

Now the Golden Idol for best female. Simon is amazing. Three losers, and then Tatiana. Then ut job with a voice. Is she on prescription pain meds? Wow- my headache was gone. And out comes Tatiana as the winner. And then lame interlude where Ryan pretends like she can't come on stage, because they are running out of time. She of course, comes up anyway. If we really didn't need her on stage- we would cut her mik. Next.

Now an Adam and Kris duet.... Queen. We are the Champions. I was waiting for Adam to do Queen. And tha stage is opening, and there is Queen, minus the obvious Freddie Mercury (this is for my homies). I really like the idea of "WE" are the champions, since everyone is a winner. False. There is only one winner. And this is my least favorite Queen song. Top faves are tied with Somebody to Love and Fat Bottomed Girls (because it is my anthem). But- great performance.

Alright- 9 pm... let's get judges final words... Simon says- warm and fuzzies, and is very Paulaesque- and it is weird. All right- the adjudicator comes out with the envelope. Telescope has certified the result. New record with ALMOST 100million votes. Thanks for the real number.

.......... Kris Allen won. An Ryan Seacrest looks shocked. Probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. Well- we were "ready" for a black president, but not a gay Idol. Hm. I love that Kris Allen fully says - Adam deserves this. And now they have a lame trophy. He is totally dumbfounded. I don't want to take anything away from Kris. Talented guy for sure. But as far as ready to be mass produced- Adam. Period. And I can't believe that the crazy dialing was done for Kris based purely on talent. And that saddens me. I know that some people got tired of Adam being so showy and perfect. They were over it. Well Bible Belt- you got us back for the Democrat takeover. (hate mail can be sent to- kissmyass@gmail.com)