Adorably Eccentric

Oh crap....

2010-08-30T22:01:00.002-07:00

I have a blog.

I guess if I am ever going to realize my dream of being a snarky E!/VH-1 commentator are to ever come true, I better get back to it.

Idol Recap- The Lamest Finale Since Clay v Rueben

2010-05-26T19:45:00.002-07:00

I thought the finale started at 8, like every other vote off episode this season, and I was wrong. So- I missed the first 33 minutes. Feel free to leave what I missed at the bottom. Unless you are one of those people that stopped watching the show, because my blogs are better. In that case, I am sorry for letting you down. Came in just in time to hear the ladies' Christina montage, and hear Christina a little rough through what seemed to be a song that hit her rather emotionally.

Now, the guys are doing a super cheesy 80's montage of Hall and Oates songs. They join them on stage. Mind you - Hall and Oates- great for their time. But we couldn't pull a bigger group for the finale? I guess this answers a few questions... one being: they ARE still alive. Did they perform a few years ago? Or was that on some vh-1 show? In case you wondered, "can I hear these horrible group performances AND watch the ridiculous choreography while drinking $9 sodas in a theater near me?!?!" Ryan gives you info on where to get tickets.

Driving home from watching my cute little cousins today, I was talking to the boyf. He said "I read your blog" (surprise, because he never does) "and you're kind of an asshole." We have been together for 2.5 years people. How is this news? He also started defending Crystal, saying that even though she is a hippie, she has a nice voice. Never really thought I would get the "you're too mean" lecture from him. Lately he has been saying that I am funnier without a job. Probably because now I can sleep through the night without having nightmares.

Jonelle Wheeler is reporting live from a sea of people in Ohio. Who is Jonelle Wheeler? (edit- just googled her. apparently a contestant this season)Oooh- Crystal's dad brought out the leather vest to match his sweet leather bike cap. She is singing "Ironic." And then she introduces Alanis. Another "is she alive?" question answered. And I rolled my eyes when Crystal said "when she go down with you to the theater." Not the line, and good for Alanis for not being the one to placate the man. For the record, I played THE SHIT out of Jagged Little Pill. My 8th grade heart really felt what she was going through, even though I hadn't even kissed a dude at that point. I was a late bloomer, so I had some angst.

Carrie Underwood says, "eff performing something cheesy with the finalists. I need my own song, thank you very much. See these Grammies?" Is that the plural for Grammy? Looks weird. She's a piece. Not piece of work, of ass. ;)

Kris Allen comes back to crown the finalists with their personally designed Ford cars. Lee looks excited, and Crystal gives a look like "I'm not giving up my Schwinn for this." Cue cheesy commercial.

Casey starts to sing "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," and is rocking it. And out comes Bret Michaels, who really should be on bed rest. Has he learned nothing? Is he like Gaga, and he will sleep when he's dead? Would he rather die onstage in front of his fans? She's nuts.

"Celebrity" spotting- Chilli.

Lee Dewyze is singing a Chicago (the band) medley, and it starts with the good stuff. Pre synthesizer. I judge people by which type of Chicago fan they are, "25 0r 6 to 4," or "You're the Inspiration." My preference is the former. And there it is... :) Envision me sitting on my couch rocking out.

Then some dude came in from Chicago, and I got my green beans from the microwave. Came back just in time for a flirty Simon montage. He's so dreamy.

Pants on the ground. Are we done with this yet? I bet he plays this song for his family at every gathering, and his grandchildren are mortified. WTH William Hung.

Paula seems pretty sober. Good for her. And she comes out from behind the curtain to perform. Ellen looks so great in white/ivory. Then Paula makes a really uncomfortable joke about leaving the show because she had Simon's baby. Then rambles.... maybe not as sober as I thought. Awkward. Yay, Simon montage. He's so dreamy.

Dear Kelly Clarkson- I love you. Dear Ruben- nice to see you're alive. Fantasia- you suck. Carrie, hearts. Jordin- You're cute. Taylor Hicks. Kris Allen- where is your album? There are seven.... who is missing? And then lots of runner ups and favorites in white. I guess JHudson, Daughtry and McPhee were busy?? But they got Guarini. From Justin to Kelly is an incredible film. I would look up the Idol that is missing.... but I would also find out tonight's winner if I did.
Boyf did it for me. What State Fair are you at this week, David Cook? Too busy?

Ugh. RUINING Janet's best song. And then she comes out out and is awesome. She's looking good. Singing into a mic AND a mouth piece? Is she planning on ripping off the dress and breaking into dance? I'm a genius. That is exactly what happens. That ass is fierce. Seriously, laser light show is unnecessary. Rocking it, Miss Jackson (cuz I'm nasty).

Montage from the beginning. Then singing "With a Little Help from My Friends"... and Joe Cocker is about to die on the stage. Either Lee's mic wasn't on, or he missed he part in this duet. Seriously. Someone call a doctor. I think Joe needs oxygen.

It's time. Some British guy brings out an envelope. I bet Ryan knows what is in it. Lee is nervous. Crystal wants to get high.... which she can go do, because she lost. Ha. I think that Lee will fit better into the Idol machine, to be honest. Crystal is gonna want to do things her way... and fight the power. Awww, Lee is so cute with his excitement. I'm glad we have a grateful winner. :) He's totally broken up. Cute.

Well, no more Idol blogs. Please leave suggestions for other shows to review below. Kthanxbai.

Idol- Just the Two of Us

2010-05-25T18:59:00.002-07:00

When I think of the song, Just the Two of Us, I try to forget that horrible Will Smith version. Also- his kid sucks.

This is the last time Simon is judging, and I am sad. :( Not watching the show any more for sure.

Watching the show tonight with the littlest sister. We spent a lovely day watching Supernatural and sun tanning. I am eating a rice krispie treat with m and m's built in, because tomorrow starts my Biggest Loser competition with my mom. Enough yo-yoing. I am going to be hot. See, and now I have written it down, so I have to do it. Feel free to tweet me saying "hey fatty! did you stay away from nachos today?" OR you could be nice and tweet "you go girl!" Or, something more relevant to this time frame.

Speaking of Will Smith's no talent kid, there is the new Karate Kid commercial. Can Hollywood try and make over movies that suck? Like, give a re do on something that Pauly Shore effed up. Or Andy Dick. You catch my drift.

Lee's parents are cute. He is resinging "The Boxer," because the judges loved it. Why not pick a song you really effed up and make it better? Be a man, Lee. Randy said something but I don't care. Ellen loved. Kara babbled. Simon said it was a kiss on the cheeks when he wants a kiss on the lips. Not from him, obvi.

And of course The Dirty Hippie is singing Janis. I'm gonna time out until something relevant happens.

The Executive Producers sing the next round of song. Not just in the "you kids can choose from these" way, in the actually picking way. Lee has "Everybody Hurts." I was going to make a comment about how I needed to feel the hurt, and then he brought it. But he better have a ball busting song in the end, because this is slow and so was the other. The judges agree.

And The Dirty Hippie is singing "Black Velvet." She's gonna fuck it up. Her dress is ugly, and she looks tubby. She also can't walk in high heels. Were "songs from the 90's that shouldn't be covered" on sale this week?

And now the song he would release if Lee won is "Beautiful Day." Because I guess they realized that all the songs they write for the finals suck. But Lee did not show up for this song. It is really a lesser of two evils tonight. The judges rambled, and I looked at pictures of Jared Leto. Simon ends with saying that Lee is what the competition is about.

They go to commercial, and the judges are moving their cups off camera. Apparently Coke didn't pay enough this week. Crystal is singing "Up to the Mountain." She has an ugly floral scarf and a diamond necklace. And weird artsy earrings. This chick is such a fashion train wreck. At this point, I am usually secretly rooting for someone. Honestly, tomorrow I could not watch the show and my life would be no different. I am so disappointed in the piece of shit that American Idol has become. It's all because Ryan works too many jobs. The Hippie is crying, and sealing it up. "Hello!! Nationals!! Platter!!" Name that movie in the comments and you get my approval. That matters to some people. Simon looks pissed. How have I JUST noticed how ugly Randy's jacket is!?! Ellen geeks out over her. Kara geeks out too. Because if the emotion and the blossoming. The Hippie says something nice to Simon and says he's been great. He said it was the song of the night. And it was "outstanding." But I don't really think he believed it. She is so awkward. Did you know she is a mom?

I'm gonna stop blogging so I can read ONTD before Glee. This show sucked.

Idol Recap- Vote Off to 2

2010-05-19T20:05:00.004-07:00

I'm blogging at the boyf's house tonight, and I told him who was going to go home as he handed me his laptop to type. He had a screen open that announced the final two, and I looked down to see if I was right. And I was.

So, blogging tonight is even more anti-climactic than normal. And I have to watch the first 9 minutes of the most boring Idol interviews in the history of the world. You know what I don't want to hear? Idols whining. And since when does Crystal have diabetes? Bring out the baby. Bring out the illness. All we need is a retard sister, and we are good. Oh, no, wait. That is Nicole Scherzinger's game. I don't care if I spelled her name correctly. I think she is a phony, and she is using her down syndromed sister to get votes. That is disgusting. Different show, but I need to blog about things that are more relevant to my interests, so whatever.

In case you were wondering, I AM 6 budlight limes and two Candian Club and iced teas in. So what?

These commercials are really out of hand. Apparently these idols are spray painting to show they are wild. And then Ryan pimps the concert again. Remember at this point of the competition when the concerts were all sold out? Yeah, not so much anymore.

Montage of home town scenes. Casey gets asked if he has a woman in his life. Only every night, and then he kicks her out before coffee. Wow, he got some Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders there. It IS the off season, and the veterans need some cardio to keep them active, so.... Apparently Casey got in an accident 6 years ago, and he is now choosing a time with cameras present to come back and say thank you. I guess that hospital has no turnover rate, and the same nurse that emptied his bed pan is still there. Eff this noise; this is so put on.

Just referenced the open link boyf had up again. Wow, this chick is not funny. But- she lives on the East Coast. Is that what I need to professionally blog about television? An East Coast time zone? Because, wow. Did I mention that this blogger is a ginger with glasses? Yes, I just pulled that card. I need to start vlogging, so VH-1 will put me on their snarky countdowns. I am WAY finnier than Jwoww, and can perform loosely scripted television a whole hell of a lot better. And I have a prettier face. That is what people tell pretty girls that have curves, in case you were wondering. ;)

And we get to talk to Perez Hilton now. In case you didn't know, this piece of shit blogger thinks he can be the next Simon Cowell. Has even offered to do it for free. I guess that his newest discovery (since HE discovered, Gaga) is Travis Garland, who is better than Timberlake. Which is why we have a tri-spilt screen for the first time in Idol history. He looks like your average frat boy. He has a leather vest with rousching in the back. I don't even know what he was singing about, because I couldn't understand it, and was too busy fuming about what an entire waste of time this season was.

Crystal in Ohio? Somehow I thought I she was Canadian. Did I make that up? Ugh, brush your hair, hippie. How are you tired? You didn't have to wake up early for hair and make up, so STFU. The mayor of Toledo had white washed jeans and a leather vest with a matching leather hat. What a stud. Oh, how clever. Her outdoor performance is called "bowerstock," like "woodstock." Vomit. She wrote a song called "Holy Toledo," and I doubt it is as good as "Cleveland Rocks." And she cries. And I roll my eyes.

Lee is in "Chicago," which really means the 75 miles surrounding Chicago. He throws out the first pitch for the Cubs, and I realize that we are not meant to be. Because only losers like the Cubs. It pisses me off when we see first grade teachers, because what first grade teacher really remembers a kid from 20 years ago? There are girls running around in neon shirts saying "vote lee," and they remind me of the "live girls direct" t-shirts in Vegas. Lee has the biggest crowd, and he totally cries, and so does his dad. Kinda sweet, because I feel like it is genuine with him.

It is 844, and Bieber isn't on yet. WTH?

Yessssssssss. So, in case you don't follow me on Twitter, I babysit my 3 and 6 YO cousins on MWF, and sometimes other days. They are precious, and sometimes we have Justin Bieber dance parties. He is so fricking cute with his lesbian haircut. And everyone who ever performs with him looks like they are having so much fun. That damn "Baby" song is so catchy. I miss the Ludacris part. When I was 13... I had my first love. A lot different from his "Fantasy" song.

Now we got down to the bottom two. At 854. Better than having the losers sit there the whole show. Randy has purple glasses today. First person in is Lee. Duh. His parents are cute. Joining Lee is Crystal, and she asks if that means if she is safe. Yes, hippie. Casey is "thankful for the opportunity," even though he checked out a few weeks ago. His mom or sister is in a really ugly tiered dress. He chooses to sing "Daughters," and mess it up even worse than he did last night. Like, reallllllly mess it up. Geez, dude. You still have the tour. Who is the little girl he picked up? Niece? Ellen is totally crying. That is sweet. I think she is really a good hearted person who feels a connection with these contestants. Good for her. Must be niece, because she could care less about being there, and quickly runs back to mom when the song is done.

In his final video package, Crystal mentions she has a crush on Casey. Which would explain the crying. And then Ryan hits puberty and squeeks through the end.

Does anyone cares who wins? Comment below.

Idol Recap- 3

2010-05-18T19:01:00.003-07:00

Final three, and tonight we get to see their hometowns. yay. And, each contestant sings two songs, one they choose, and another from a judge. The judges are dressed quite casually, maybe saving it all for next week. Or maybe they are all over it.

Casey's first song is "OK, It's Alright With Me." He wins for longest song title of the night, I bet. I don't think I know this song. I think this is the first time there has been singing in the first 4 minutes in about 5 years. There is only room for one rocker, so Casey better hope that Lee blows it, because that is his only chance. Randy is not a fan. You can tell because he said "listen" more than once. Ellen tries to kill the pain with lots of rhyming. Kara said you should pick something the audience knows and make it your own. Simon calls the song "a salad, because there is something more substantial coming.... but you sounded good."

I was wondering why the Billy Madison weasel and Tom Hank's kid were in the audience. Then I saw the commercial for their new cop show.

Awkward Stool Time with Crystal. She is choosing to sing "Come to My Window," because it "is about passion and love and STUFF." Littlest sister (back from college) yells "don't fuck it up." She doesn't watch much, and would rather be watching the season finale of 90210. "Oh. She does the harmonica too. Of course." :) We don't need close ups of the meth teeth, thanks. It is always hard to judge her performances, because they are always how I thought they would be. But it doesn't mean that it is incredible. I stopped paying attention for a minute. And Simon brought me in when he said that she has never compromised who she is during the season. And then she gives some hippie love philosophy.

One of my readers has a birthday today. So, I would like to take this commercial break to say Happy Birthday to Amanda. :) When can we drink and be merry again?

Awkward Stool Time with Lee. Too bad he is so dull. And, he is going with Lynard Skynard "Simple Man." Good song, and one of my favorites, but I am not at all surprised by the choice. Randy yelled. Ellen said he went from a lamb to a gazelle. Kara totally steals Simon's schtick, and says "round one totally goes to Lee." I hope he calls her out a break. Because that's bullshit. Simon said he was on the money.

Took a nice little break to listen to Neon Trees, a band we discovered at the 30 Seconds to Mars show Sunday night. They are pretty rad, google them.

Casey is singing "Daughters," chosen by Randy and Kara. Ryan asks what Casey "HAS TO DO TO WIN," as if this were a football game, and it was as simple as rushing the quarterback. And to prove it isn't a sport, Kara says he needs to "show his vulnerable side." I don't know that he connected with this song at all. This may be the end of the line for mr. jones. Oh yeah, guitar solo. Why is his light always the cheesiest? I really think it affects his performance. Randy said it fit him like a glove, which it should have, because he picked it. Ellen loved it. Kara said it was vulnerable, and it was a great choice, and Simon laughed. Simon said it was a better choice, but it was a lazy arrangement, and those too should have given him a better vocal. Kara is dumb. She yelled that mellow is how the song is supposed to be, not understanding that Simon isn't saying that he should have changed the song, he said he should have been given a bigger song for a big moment.

I should have laid money on Ellen picking Crystal's song, because it is the least difficult job. "Maybe I'm Amazed," which is one of my favorite songs in the universe. Apparently I missed a dumb face when Kara didn't realize the camera was on her. By the way, why wasn't anyone at Crystal's AT&T commercial shoot? No instrument for Crystal. She stands like a pregnant dude. Yeah, wrap your head around that vision. Wow, yelly mcyellerson. Oh yeah, she's Canadian. Isn't this AMERICAN Idol? (sister laughs)

Lee apparently doesn't have to read his message in from to AT&T. I guess they didn't pay enough for all three. Simon mentions that we have heard this song before, but not how Lee is gonna sing it. "Hallelujah." I don't particularly care for this song. Of COURSE there is a choir. But Simon made sure to keep them low and unobtrusive. Hope you had fun Casey, because your ride ends tomorrow. Probably better for him, so he can have more freedom. Simon looks at Kara like, "THIS is how you do it." The crows goes wild, and is on their feet. Randy loves it. Ellen called it "stunning." Kara says that "he is what the show is all about." I hate how dramatically she approaches the microphone, and then backs off after speaking as if she just announced the cure to cancer. Simon is awesome. And tonight officially decided that I will not watch a single episode when he is gone. Because the rest of these assholes can't do what he does.

Idol Recap- The Longest Hour of My Life

2010-05-11T19:12:00.004-07:00

I only listened to the first 11 minutes, because fajitas are more important to me than Jamie Foxx. In case you are new to my blog- I can't stand him. So I just won't talk about him unless it is a good joke.

Boyfriend saw Taye Diggs in the audience, and as I am slinging onions I ask if Idina Menzel was with him. "Is there a white girl with dark hair and a big nose sitting with him." He says "I think so." So, anybody?

Lee sings "Kiss From a Rose," which someone sings every year. And it sucked. There, caught up.

Awkward Stool Time with Big Mike. It appears as though we have just woken him up from a slumber. He sings "Will You Be There" which is a Michael Jackson song from some movie that probably sucked. Jaime offered him the "contestant" shirt, because that practice performance was not enough "artist" for him. Oh Lord, do we really need a gospel choir on the stairs? Haven't we played this out? I'm gonna get more fajitas. Ellen reminds us all that this is from Free Willy. i remember seeing it in the theater, and wondering why the girl had so many bathing suits. I've always been practical. Simon asks what Free Willy is about, and wonders what it has to do with the song. And Kara, queen of the "sing the lyrics and understand the meaning" says "it's just a song." Sell out.

Lee and Crystal do this duo that I swear someone did last year. But, I looked back to my blogs and learned that I need to do a better job at tagging. Not like anyone cares that someone sang this at some point, but whatever. The judges geeked out over it, and I think it was annoying. Probably because I am still really pissed that everyone is so boring this season.

I really hate it when the mentors tell the contestants to "seduce them." This isn't as lame as that time the ALW told someone to pretend he was singing a love song to a little girl. I would link it, but as mentioned a few minutes ago, I do a really shitty job of tagging my blogs. Casey doesn't surprise us for a moment, and does "Mrs. Robinson."Randy makes a big joke about the song being about an older woman seducing a younger man. Somebody have a stick? We have a dead horse over here to beat. It sucked.

Crystal is singing the "classic song from Caddyshack," and if she fucks up Kenny Loggins that bitch is going through a wall. She was fine.

Casey and Mike did that annoying song from Don Juan De Marco. I wasn't paying attention, because my gmail account was hacked, and I was letting everyone know that I was hacked. You know, because potential employers really like to be sent links to Canadian Health care. Fuck.

Idol Recap- Somebody Swims With the Fishes

2010-05-05T20:05:00.002-07:00

These cheesy lip synched openings are awful. The only thing that is worse are these stupid commercials. You can just ignore the first 11 minutes.

What a nice little package to show what Tuesdays are like for the contestants both before the show, and now that they are celebrities. Crystals baby is weird looking. Funny that they have fake judges for the rehearsal. I want that job. Are they hiring? I can do a really good Kara impression.

Big Mike is totally chill, Crystal too. WHY DO WE TRY TO TALK TO THEM TONIGHT?? WHY NOT JUST CUT THIS SHOW TO HALF AN HOUR?!?!? Lee is safe, duh. And we go to commercial.

Tonight's performance is Gaga. Seacrest says she is singing "Alejandro," which to me sounds like a song from Ace of Base. Bitch is crazy, but her body is banging. Her dancers are wearing weird50's style bathing suit bottom things. It is a weird mix of singing live and lip synching. The weird Jesus Angel on stage makes me uncomfortable.

Thank you Harry Connick for making this episode bearable. I want to hang out with him. A lovely montage of all his little jokes. Including telling Mike to stop talking about the baby, telling Aaron to stop with the smile, and having a staring contest with Lee. What a catch. So- where do I buy this album legally? He makes me feel all warm and mushy.

Top 5 sing Harry songs!!! :) They should put some Christmas songs in this mix. :D Aaron just blends into the stage. It's time to go, kiddo. Big Mike is singing sex. That is the only way to describe it. Then Harry tells a story about how he sang for Sinatra, messed up the words, and Sinatra kissed Harry's wife (then gf). Ha.

Oh yeah, this is a results show. Don't worry about letting the band take a seat. They can just hang out on the stage. Crystal is sent by the piano. Big Mike stands on the opposite side. Aaron joins Big Mike. Casey obviously joins Crystal. Ryan asks Lee to choose who is the bottom two, and Lee goes #2. Mike and Aaron are bottom two. Mikey there again. Bet the judges are real glad they saved him.

There is justice in the world, and Aaron Kellly goes home about three weeks later than he should have. Hope you enjoy your prom, buddy. I'm sure you won't have a problem getting a date.

Idol Recap- Call Me Irresponsible

2010-05-04T20:23:00.003-07:00

For some reason, Sir Anthony Hopkins is in the audience. I think I remember him there once last year too. Weird.

Tonight is Sinatra night, and Harry Connick Jr is the mentor. He is looking good in his suit, too. Harry has brought members of his band with him, and he has helped to work on some arrangements. At least, that's what I think I heard.

Sinatra's two daughters are there, and give Simon a monogrammed hankie that belonged to Frankie. Whoa, Harry is giving legit feedback, and telling him what notes to hold when. He is singing "Fly Me to the Moon," and I want him to fly home, because his time has come. Randy rambles. Ellen jokes that the piano is pitchy. Ha. They have new coke cups this week. They are very 80's. Kara blah blah blah. Simon didn' t think he was cool enough, but he tries hard. Oh- tonight starts the 2 numbers business.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey. He was telling a funny story- but I didn't care enough to rewind. He is singing "Blue Skies," and Harry said that this song wasn't about the lyrics, but the vibe. ROUGH start. And it continues. I don't like it at all. Randy says it was pitchy all the way through. Casey looks Hiiiiiiiiigh. Ellen digs at Harry again. One more time, and it's too much. Kara said he sounded like a lamb, and a cougar in the audience loses her shit. Simon says he seemed awkward. Harry says that it was better in the rehearsal, and it is hard to hear on the stage, so that is probably playing a part. Good call- they are used to lame back ups, not a real orchestra.

Why do we need a commercial in between each performance? This is really quite ridiculous. Crystal is singing "Summer Wind," and has a connection that she is hiding. Because she is so mysterious. Oh Lordie! She has a tacky sun tattoo thing across her entire back. Wait. Is it a daisy? Or a sunflower? Either way, it's too much. Harry Connick is such a stud. Randy said it was sleepy. Is everyone red tonight, or is it just boyf's tv? Looks like Bowersox was by the pool. Kara liked her phrasing. Simon loves the song, but said it felt indulgent. She needs to shut her mouth with the backtalking.

Big Mike gets some awkward stool time. He is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." He goes for the more upbeat version. Which I don't like as much. Tony Bennet does my favorite version. Big Mike looks all watery eye high today too. Did they do a pool scene or something? What the hell?
Randy yells, so that means he likes it. Blah blah. I am so over Big Mike. Simon loves the performance too. I am sad that this is the last season I get to watch. Wish there was bigger talent.

Lee is up, and Harry shares that his wife thinks he is cute. Harry is such a ham. I love him. Lee is singing "That's Life," which is a great song for this season's regular guy. Too bad I can barely understand a word he is saying. Haha, Ellen says she was distracted by Harry's organ. LOLZ. The judges love it mucho.

Apparently the have Gaga tomorrow? Odd pairing.

1, 2 Freddy's Coming for You

2010-04-29T10:07:00.004-07:00

You may have noticed there was no Idol blog last night. That's because I was at a pre-screening for the new Nightmare on Elm Street. Before I tell you all about it, I should let you know that no one is paying me for this review- I just like to pretend like I am cool because I saw it early.

I am a HUGE horror movie fan. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. My friends and I even created a scary movie CLUB, where we take notes and rate movies in 5 different categories on a scale of 1-5 bloody hatchets. Yeah, no one ever said I wasn't a huge dork. Anyway- the point of this ramble is that I was SUPER excited about the Nightmare remake. As a fan of the original, I can see that some would see this as another lame Hollywood excuse to bring back a successful franchise to turn a profit. Don't get me wrong, that is totally what this is. Still entertaining.

Here are the spoiler free bullet points:

- There's no nudity. Probably a good thing, since this version clearly paints Freddy as a child molester. Talking about that and then showing Katie Cassidy's boobs would be in poor taste.
- It's gory. Blood splatters, throat slitting, knives through the back. Not for the weak of stomach.
- It heavily relies on the "jump" factor. You know, where it's really quiet, except for the creepy music, and you're just WAITING for Freddy to jump out. The girl next to me nearly needed a medic by the end. If she had been eating popcorn, instead of a pretzel, I would still be pulling the kernels out of my bra.
- The movie is predictable. It isn't a frame by frame remake, like Psycho was. It is a "re imagination." There are a few similar characters, like Nancy. But her police dad is nowhere in sight and her mom isn't a boozer anymore. :/ That fake tan, feathered hair an pink lipstick was incredible. New mom is a pretty red head.
- The front end is really death heavy. Which is entertaining, but when Nancy is trying to figure out the "who, what, why" there aren't many people to talk to.
- Original Krueger was creepier. The makeup in this film is a lot more realistic, which I thought I would like. But it just doesn't hit the same part in your gut. You see him more as a victim than a monster. And as the boyf pointed out, his voiceovers where super cheesey, a la Christian Bales's super deep Batman voice.

So, if you go in knowing that this is just another horror remake, you won't be disappointed. Don't go in expecting Oscar worthy performances or non stop action.

For those that really want to know some spoiler shit, read below...

- Kellan Lutz is the first to die, in a Drew Barrymore Scream kind of way. His make up is outstanding, and probably the best "I haven't slept for days" look that the movie offers.
- 3/4 of the teens die within the first 45 minutes of the movie. Katie Cassidy's flinging about the bedroom death is about as good as the original. Of course, Thomas Dekker witnesses it, and is arrested for her murder in about 6 minutes. You know, how most homicides work. Thomas Dekker's jail cell death is gory and disgusting and awesome.
- Things get kind of boring for awhile, with emo "Nancy" (some actress I've never seen) talking to "Quentin" about her dreams. It takes way too long for them to realize they are having the same dreams, and way too long for them to realize there must be some connection.
- We find that the kids were all friends in preschool, and the parents decided to just hide that fact, send them to different elementary and middle schools and then have them meet up and magically become friends in High School. Because that is totally plausible. They keep them apart because they want to be sure that the kids didn't remember that the preschool gardener was a molester. Nancy believes it but Quentin doesn't.
- While Nancy goes to research, Quentin pretends it is all just coincidence and heads to swim practice. He then transports from swim practice to the past,via dream sequence, where he sees his dad as the ring leader of the "kill the beast" scene. They chase Freddy to an industrial area, and light him on fire. Then, of course, Quentin thinks maybe Freddy didn't molest kids, and the parents killed an innocent man. So, he is coming back in dreams and KILLING PEOPLE to prove he isn't a bad guy. Stupid.
- Of course, Nancy uses the internet to find all the other kids from preschool. Because this is the best search engine in the history of the world, the weird and wacky deaths of the other preschoolers are the top 5 results when she searches for them. Because there is only one "Kate Jones," and she went to Nancy's preschool. She even gets to watch one kid's death via web-cam on his blog. Because most videos you post online get up their entirely on their own by magic. So even after you're dead- they can post themselves. Quentin comes and tells her his dream, and they realize they must go "learn the truth" by visiting the old preschool.
- FF through a drug store scene and a hospital scene and we end up at the preschool. It's fenced off, and apparently not at all demolished since 1997. Just dust and cobwebs. In Arizona, that shit would have either become a holding place for illegal immigrants, or a meth house. Just sayin. They go to the basement, where Freddy has been leading them, and find the "cave" that their preschool selves told their parents is where the bad stuff happens. Nancy was his favorite, so of course all of her naked kid Polaroids are found in a box. Terrible. They then realize Freddy is a sick fuck, and was bringing them there to remember, since memories are the source of his power.
- Nancy wants to save the day, just like in the original, and Quentin is supposed to wake her up when she is struggling, so that she can bring Freddy out of her dream to kill him. That never made sense to me in the original, and it is even weaker of an answer in this one. Of course Quinten falls asleep and fails, getting heavily injured in the process. Nancy then has this whole 10 minute creepfest with Freddy, ending up in her room on her bed in a grown up version of her kid dress. Freddy then tells her that he kept her alive long enough to get totally delirious and sleep deprived so that when she fell asleep, it would be a coma forever. You know, so he could sexually assault her for days and she wouldn't wake up and leave dream land. That is the creepiest time for Freddy.
- While Nancy is struggling, Quentin of course wakes up and tries to wake up Nancy- with no success. He then remembers the Epinephrine he stole from the hospital, and Pulp Fictions her into consciousness. She brings Freddy out, slits his throat, and delivers the classic "you're in MY world now, bitch" line that is standard in every horror film. They then light the place on fire, which brings the fire dept and paramedics. Which they needed, because Quentin's crashed car wasn't gonna get them back home through the corn fields.
- Nancy is home, and safe. She is talking to her mom- who happens to be standing in front of a mirror. We see Freddy's reflection stabbing mom and grabbing her into dream world. Fin.

Of course there is a set up for part two. Not sure whether it will be in production before the 2nd Friday the 13th. Word is, Jared Padalecki is holding up that production- waiting for the offer that includes his own personal on set hairstylist to make sure the 70's butt part is perfect in every scene. Joke. But seriously, WTF is up with his hair?

So- moral of the story- gory, jumpy and an actual plot- slow moving as it may be. Death toll could have been a little higher, but that's just me. ;)

Idol Recap- On the 6

2010-04-27T19:06:00.003-07:00

We begin with Ryan introducing the remaining contestants as though they were cast members of The Breakfast Club: the brain, the jock, the princess, the dirty hippie... you get the idea. Wanna know how the show can not run over? Cut the first three minutes.

Tonight's mentor is Shania Twain, and I dig her. I can't believe that troll of a husband cheated on her. How can you even LAND her when you look like this? Which is also the only professional photo that was ever taken of him, and shown on every mention.

Lee, The Painter, is up first and taking on "You're Still the One." He rocks it out in his own little way, and the judges love it. Tell him he's making some funny faces though, and Kara totally interrupts and yells over Simon. Because sometimes it just isn't worth it, he just says he is done talking. She appears genuinely surprised. Another way to save time? Turn off the judges mics when they are done talking.

Big Mike, The Father, is singing some ballad that I have never heard before. Shania tells him he could sing the phone book and love it, and Mike with his big ego glows and smiles. She tells him not to take it for granted, and he needs to sing with passion because that is what winners do. He made Shania cry, in a good way. This week, Randy says that he loves the R&B ballady stuff. Bet ya next week that he will tell him he needs to mix it up. Ellen called it Luther Vadrossy, which is a good thing. Kara talks about how Shania is a songwriter, blah blah blah. Simon says Ellen is on point with the Luther, but said the song was "wet," which causes all sorts of controversy.

Casey, The Construction Worker, had stool time with Ryan, and sang some song that seemed kinda familiar. I was busy drawing a map for my sister to pick up our cousins from daycare. Also made her feel my abs as I am in day 4 of level 2 in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Serious business. The judges loved it, best performance ever, blah blah.

Crystal Bowersox, The Mother, is singing "No One Needs To Know Right Now." Shania tells her to be more upbeat. Apparently she is singing it for her boyfriend. It's cute and happy. Randy said it wasn't his FAVORITE performance. It wasn't Ellen's either, but she uses the analogy that it is like choosing your favorite color of the rainbow. Kara, AGAIN, says that she agrees with "the guys." Apparently forgetting that Ellen is a girl. Again. Simon said it was like the performers in the coffee shop that are there, but you really don't want to see. Ryan tries to stir the pot, and asks for Crystal's response to the criticism. Then there is an awkward exchange with her boyfriend. Another minute that could be saved.

I'm not even going to talk about Aaron, because I am so over him. And apparently I have been getting his age wrong. He is 17. Is GLEE on yet?

Siobhan, The Glass Blower, is butchering "Any Man of Mine." Why would she EVER chose this song? And the outfit is terrible. She struggles through the song, and is having mic problems, ans Shania is grimacing. Then there is a very disjointed screeching at the end. Shania golf claps. Randy eats it up. Ellen- "way to pull the Shania Twain into the station." Lame. Kara says "guess who's baAAaack!" Simon said he liked the song, but the screeching sounded like she was giving birth.

Apparently the Fox Gods let Idol know that they aren't there bread and butter anymore, because they are ending just about on time. Well, at least the most on time in recent years.

Idol Recap- Idol Gives Back

2010-04-21T19:01:00.002-07:00

We start with Ryan standing in a sea of red, white and blue lights. Then, Barry O and Michelle come on, say hi and tell everybody to donate. This is a difficult night to snarkily blog. Because they are doing nice things. :/

The judges are super fancy tonight, but Simon still has his shirt unbuttoned. THe show is being filmed in two locations- with Ryan hosting one, and Queen Latifah at the other. This helps to gain extra sponsorship, ticket sales- and hopefully keep the show running on time. All ten finalists are out in white. Siobhan wears the dumbest outfits. This song is weird, and totally Disney.

Jennifer Garner takes on the first charitable organization, Save the Children. Helps locally to give children in poverty books to help them develop and learn. Jennifer visited a cute little family in Kentucky to show how the program has helped. And then Posh brings out two new BFFs, who have been overly rehearsed their speeches. Ryan Seacrest does not allow on air mess ups- so you better bring your A game.

Jonah Hill and Russel Brand have "offered to gather their famous friends" to run a phone bank. Insert lame and obvious joke- where there really aren't any celeb friends. WE will be checking in with them later.

Black Eyed Peas are up- singing the next song to be ridiculously overplayed by a top 40 station near you. The boys are wearing jackets and pants- and Fergie was apparently channeling her superhero side- wearing knee high boots, a leotard and cape. Oh shit! gold wrist cuffs too!! And there are robots with mohawks and guns. Someone needs to take their decision making powers away from them when they are high. Will.I.Am. is about a beat behind his voice track.

Now its Malaria time. Over the years, Idol Gives Back has been able to cut the number of people dying in half. That's pretty serious. Queen Latifah warns us that it will be hard to watch, and she wasn't kidding. :(

These cheesy bits are always more extreme on IGB night. They "auctioned" the results... and George Lopez was the highest bid. HILARITY ENSUES! George wants to judge the judges. George has a great Randy impression. And calls him out for being retarded. But "since you're the only brother on the show- you are safe." George calls her out for saying that she is always disappointed, etc.- but he has covered his wall with her nudie pictures and is safe." George tells her she is the Kourtney Kardashian of the Idol judges, which is hilarious. Simon is ready to be voted off, and looks at George like "bring it." He is not safe- and told to go to England. But apparently there is a volcano, so he is safe. Whatever.

Ford music video. Guess what- it is lame. Crystal and Casey in the center. That's a lot of alliteration. One is safe, and on one is bottom three for the first time. Casey is bottom three. Aaron and Lee are now center stage. Lee is safe. Duh. One seat is open in the bottom three. "Who will fill that stool?" Ha.

Joss Stone is apparently still relevant, and is singing "I Put a Spell on You." Because why not? Her hair is a normal color again, and is totally straight. She is backed by the Jubilation Choir, and the whole thing seems really out of place.

Dear Morgan Freeman- I love you. Please stay healthy forever. Morgan and Randy hung out in Mississippi to see what was going on. Save the Children has helped a small town here too. This program is one of the most successful in the country, and uses health and exercise training to increase benefits of education.

You can text your donation, and having learned a lesson from all the kids that texted to Haiti relief on their parent's bill- you can only text three times per phone.

Alicia Keys is performing and is super hot. She's really just stunning. She sings some song I don't know, and then she sings New York without Jay Z. I was kinda waiting for him to come out. But that didn't happen.

Back to the "phone bank" with a bunch of lame fakers, except for Slash. And crazy Tatianna from last year. And Octomom and a few kids.Really, she was there. Then Jim Carrey comes in and noticed that it's D list and runs. So lame and unfunny.

Queen Latifah is there with Common to promote their new movie, and introduce Carrie Underwood. She has a really pretty dress on. She is singing an inspirational song of some sort, that I don't know because the only country I listen to is Brad Paisley. Because he is cute and funny and romantic. :) Apparently the song had something to do with the difference 36 cents makes.

Ellen got to hang out with David Arquette, who has been spending his time out of the spotlight helping Feeding America, a food bank. Ten dollars can buy a crap ton of food. Elliot Yamin creeps me out. Surprise! It is going to go late.

Bill Gates talks global health care. I can't blog this anymore. I'll tell you who's out.

One more to add to the bottom-- Siobhan is safe. Mike is safe. Tim is bottom. Are we surprised at all?

More really upsetting stuff that I can't really deal with. And no, Annie Lennox is not really HIV Positive.

Not ok with a random group of fools doing Stairway to Heaven. It is 857, and this song isn't short. Is this ending at 930?And thank you for cheapening it even further with your electric light show, Idol.

We are at 9:16- and going to commercial break. Seriously?!?!?!?! Someone at Idol needs to be fired. Check it- you know the run time of the produced video pieces. You know the run time of the performances. You know how long the bits are supposed to be. You tell the comedian he has 3 minutes, and schedule 5. You cut the drama with the reveal, and just tell us the bottom three. THERE IS NO REASON THAT YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING OVER- AND 25 MINUTES IS INSANE.

Aaron is safe for one more week. What? Tim Urban is out. Casey is safe. Well, it was a pretty long ride for someone that landed here with a fluke.

24 minutes over.

Idol Recap- Ryan Seacest Is Not Your BFF

2010-04-20T19:00:00.002-07:00

Apparently there was some drama last week, and Bowersox nearly quit the show. Ryan Seacrest talked her down from the ledge- and she was surprised it still made headlines. Hey, guess what? YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW! YOUR LIFE IS NO LONGER PRIVATE IF IT CAN GET RATINGS!

To save time, the judges don't make the grand entrance. And everyone BUT Ellen is wearing some sort of vest/sweater cardigan thing. Odd. I really like Ellen in ivory. Not everyone can wear it- most look like they are channeling Saturday Night Fever.

This week is Idol Gives Back-so look for some extra sappiness. Alicia Keys is the mentor- because she does charity stuff. Which I didn't know, because she doesn't pull a Sean Penn and tell the world she single handeldy saved a small country. So, with this theme- come songs that are inspirational.

Casey is bringing us "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Alicia had a great point- he needs people to say "I Like Him!" not "I Like This Song!" He did not do that. And the judges agreed. In fact- Simon called it lazy. I would have rather he did "This Is It," by Kenny Loggins. Because I LOVE Kenny Loggins. But- I'm really happy because my sister delivered nachos to me on her way to darts!

Awkward Stool Time with Lee Dewyze- this season's "regular guy." He will be singing "The Boxer," because it inspired him to learn how to play guitar. These mentor recaps have been significantly shorter. Damn you Idol audience and your LAME hand waving. I like the rougher version of this. Not as sing songy as the original. Randy says he loves him, no homo. Ellen loves his soul and depth and it's his best performance by far. Kara likes to disagree with Simon- even before he says anything. THIS week is his best performance, not the one Simon said. Simon loved it- sincere, emotional, and made it sound relevant. BRILLIANT. How come Simon can say brilliant without it seeming condescending or overdone?

Goo Goo Dolls and R. Kelly are coming up-- and so are Tim and the 16 YO. Money that the old beyond his years kid is singing "I Believe I Can Fly." He definitely won't be singing "Trapped in the Closet, Pt 3." But wouldn't be awesome if he did? What a ridiculous fiasco that was. But I watched every single one, like a sucker. Like a SUCKER! How does it END, R. Kelly?!?!

Tim is singing "Better Days," and Alicia reminds him not to trail off and lose it in the chorus. This kids gets too close to the mic. This is a new side to Tim- a little more grown up, and not as showy. Yo- check it out-for me. Ellen again with the metaphors says today he is the soup of the day, which is not a soup she likes. I wonder what that is? I don't particularly care for soup myself. Chef's choice makes me nervous. Kara gives actual feedback- and says while he has found the right style, but the execution was there. Simon says he doesn't know he buys it.

Aaron- hahahaha. WILL be singing "I Believe I Can Fly." Alicia basically looks at him like "boy, please." With the strings. So lame. I think this is the 19th time that Randy has told him he has a huge voice. Ellen makes a 70's drug reference- which is awesome. :) Jenny thought she could fly too... remember, Ellen? Kara said it was like a plane taking off a runway... leave the metaphors to Ellen. Because you are actually using really lame similes. Similes use like or as, Kara. So if you're going to be a copycat- at least do it right. Simon said there are two ways to look at it 1- looking at him and liking him, and 2- listening as if they never met him. So basically- since they like you , it was tolerable.

When Simon leaves Idol- can we have 2 hour episodes of Glee instead?

Siobhan is singing "When You Believe." Alicia finds her "money spot," and encourages her to take the "moment." Step back from the mic. Ugh. She has butterflies on her shoulders. Who approved this? Wardrobe are you TRYING to get rid of her? I don't like her. Oh shit, the butterflies go down her arm. Really? AND UP TO HER HAND. Glad to see that the Siozombies didn't catch on. Randy was meh. Ellen loved it, because what else is she going to say? Kara said she still doesn't know who she is. Simon says the butterflies looked like leaves, and were distracting. STOP TALKING. I just love the song. Well, I am glad that you are having fun- because we aren't. Get the hell over yourself, you aren't curing cancer. I will forget you in three months. Glad you are getting to live your dream- but it ends if you don't stop being so self- indulgent.

Awkward Stool Time with Bog Mike. Apparently he has been keeping a running list of songs he wanted to do on Idol. He is singing "Hero," which was used to promote the SUPER hero Spiderman. So clever! He does a great job taking these really rock songs and softening the edge a little. This is ok. The background singers are a little lame. Kara hated it. Simon says tonight was supposed to be inspirational and it was about Spiderman.

Way to play a Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers commercial. If she had gone on it before the show- maybe she would have won. Burn. But it shows that even if you don't take home the grand prize- you can still be a star. :)

Crystal "i don't know if I can take this anymore" Bowersox is singing without an instrument for the first time. She is singing some kind of gospely song that I am kind of familiar with. And she totally cried at the end. Like, can barely finish it. Randy has to remind her that he has loved her since day one. Ellen says she is beautiful and noticed her bong like mic stand. Kara says they call her Mama Sox because she schooled everyone. Simon was glad to see emotion, because she had been closing off. She is fake hugging Ryan, and asks to use his hanky. He says he thinks it is taped in. She says "hollywood." He snarkily says "that's where we are." Yeah- which means that nothing you say to Ryan is off limits, lady. Good thing you cried and used the church songs to distract the fact that you are a little ungrateful for an opportunity that millions ask for. :)

And They are 4 minutes over. Not cool, it's Madonna night.

Idol Recap- Getting Rid of the Dead Weight

2010-04-14T20:15:00.003-07:00

So- I am joining this program already 15 minutes in progress. I got really into Book Club and lost track of time. (NERD ALERT)

But- I am joining Andrew, singing his final song, and I am not so surprised. In his goodbye, Tim Urban is unknowingly stealing the scene. I say unknowingly because I really don't think that he is bright enough to be that manipulative. Roomie says the group sing was AWFUL, so glad I missed that too.

Oh, what was that? You asked what book I just read in Book Club that lead to the most conversation I think we may have ever had? Well, since Molly (btw- you are passed due for a blog, missy) and I are obsessed with true crime, and Chrissy likes to keep us happy, it was last month's theme. We read Mindhunter, which was written by the guy who basically created profiling. He tells stories about his interviews and studies with some of the most gruesome serial killers ever. Not really a light read, but so interesting and well written that we chat chat chatted. This is what you get to read about instead of the Idol Gives Back trip to Angola. But good for Kara for getting out there and getting involved.

Brooke, who I love a lot from last season, and some dude I never have heard of, and quite frankly, sucks are singing some song I have never heard of that the interwebs were trying to make seem like a big deal a few days ago. This guy thinks he is a vampire.

So, since it is 834, we get to find out who is in the bottom, and make them wait until the last 4 minutes. The bottom row is up- Lee Dewyze rambles. Siobhan stares weirdly. Katie Stephens looks frumpy, like she has already given up. Big mike looks like a ninja turtle. Sometimes I see people as animals, and that hat really brings it out in him. He gives a shout out tot he judges, who hope saving him wasn't in vein. The dirty hippie smiles with her 6 teeth. Tim Urban smiles, and the room brightens, even though he doesn't realize he isn't standing in the light. Crystal and Siobhan are safe. And Ryan creates this long drawn out business and has him sit. So the bottom are Tim, Katie and Big Mike.... who will turn into the incredible hulk if he is let go.

And now Adam can do whatever the hell he wants on the Idol stage without facing any criticism from Simon for being too showy. So he spends the first minute singing in green smoke. There is so much fog on the stage that it looks like he has no shins, and is just a floating torso. I hope they put up signs in the lobby that pregnant women and and those prone to seizures should be prepared for a fog filled laser lights show. Ryan talks to him, and Adam says that he owes Idol so much, because it prepared him for the ass kicking that the business gives you. Hear that kids? You think making 4 judges happy is tough? Try a marketing team, a record label, a management team, the media and the American public.

Ok, let's get this done. Tim Urban is safe. I fear for Katie's life if Big Mike gets angry. HAHA, American Idol was being tricky, and the one of the people there isn't even in the bottom three! Duh. Katie is out. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for not even bothering to try to put your appearance together. Why is she singing Let It Be? She is obviously crying, and it only brings out how crappily she handled this song. And Siobhan is crying again, because she is obviously best frineds with them all. Ugh, Katie, let this song be... and just go out gracefully please. I never thought I would be wishing for the for the cheesy montage. Ahhh. HERE it is.

Idol Recap- Whaddya Want From Me?

2010-04-13T18:59:00.003-07:00

I am really excited about Idol tonight, because when it's over, GLEE is on.

I wonder(again) how much they spend in the lighting budget on the show. With my event production experience, I know that it is one of the cheaper ways to jazz something up- but seriously.

Kara is too dressed up compared to the other judges. At least it isn't sparkles this week. Ellen and Randy have decided they can BOTH wear vests, as long as one of them is sleeveless. Speaking of Ellen, I was a little geeked out when @TheEllenshow started following me on Twitter. I want you all to know that it will not sway my blogging, and if she says something stupid- I will still make fun. ;)

What?!?! Adam Lambert is the mentor for Elvis week? Where did I hear that it was for Queen week, or did I make that up? Is it because of the hair? Or is it the frequent use of glitter and glitz? Let's just hope he doesn't have the same obsession with fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches. Ahhh, Adam loves Elvis because he was a showman. He also acknowledges the fact that he is just beginning his career, so what does he know about mentoring. I am waiting for him to ----=omgomgomgomgomgomg Mr. Schuester is sitting right behind him!!!!!!---- come out with a Proactiv commercial. Shit, Katy Perry did it. Totally looks nothing like her in the commercial and it weirds me out every time. but. Ryan made some joke, and I totally missed it... I think it was borderline inappropriate.

The Dirty Hippie is singing "Saint," which I don't think I have ever heard. She is called "authentic" for the 8,352 time this season. Adam tells her to go electric and "let those dreads down." I hope bugs don't fall out. Randy thinks it was DOPE, and the second coming of Bonnie Raitt.... what? Ellen, instead of being repetitive, uses the time to say Happy Birthday to everyone in the audience. I know so many fricking Aries, it is ridiculous. They will be excited that they get the extra attention. Kara said something. Simon said it was original, blah blah. I really think I will just stop reviewing her. Wouldn't it be HI-Lar if everyone felt comfortable, and didn't vote for her--- and she was the bottom?? The judges have already used their "save." Yes, I'm dreaming. Yes, I have a thing against hippies that drives this thought.

Awkward Stool Time with Andrew. Damn, I thought they would have cut this to save time. He is reallllly boring. I though the tshirt/jeans/blazer combo peaked about 3 years ago... He is singing "Hound Dog," and Adam calls him out for being boring. Which he is. How has he made it this far? He's got the old school Elvis mic, and so far- it's boring. It sounds exactly the same as it did during rehearsal, when Adam said it was boring. Walking around the judges and towards the audience doesn't make it more interesting. Randy said it was "not good karaoke." Ellen wants more swagger, but he pulled it off. Kara thinks the mic was his crutch. Simon called it lazy, and it was the "part of the musical that no one wants to see or hear...." and "(his) coolness has been sucked out." So true. Ryan calls out that Ellen is the only one that liked it- apparently not understanding that SOMEONE has to fill the role of "the one that is always positive."

- took a twitter break, and found out the apparently the joke from Ryan involved tongues, and Brian Dunkleman. Somewhere, in his mother's basement, Dunkleman shoves another spoon full of Ben and Jerry's in his face. -

Tim is doing "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You." I think if he went with the UB-40 version, it would be gold. Adam says he should sing the end in the higher octave, like thoe Jonas Brothers do- because it makes little girls dial. Well, at least that's what he MEANS. Ryan is dancing with a random dude in the audience. It is too dark on the stage, and it doesn't really help the "I'm watching you from the bushes" face that he makes. Randy actually liked it, and the decibel level jumps. Ellen jumps in with another analogy- this time comparing him to tequila... the more she drinks it, the more she likes it. Simon liked it. Apparently the guy Ryan danced with was Michael Sarver, last season's "regular guy."

Lee Dewyze is jazzing up "A Little Less Conversation," and Adam tells him that his face is part of the performance, so maybe he should. His raspy voice goes a little better with the idea behind the song, which, in case you didn't know, is "shut your mouth and let's get busy." Randy geeks out. Ellen loves that it is more current, and reinforces that his confidence is what helps his performance. Kara loved the vocal- but wanted him to be a little more playful. Simon laughs at it and asks if she wants him to bounce around the stage. Simon loved it, and seems to be the only one that remembered that we are on limited time tonight. GLEE in less than an hour.

Aaron Kelly is singing "Blue Suede Shoes," because it is the probably the oldest type song he could pick, so at 16- naturally it would be the best fit. Adam tells him to get aggressive and grab his balls. Aaron realizes it's a bad choice, but could give a shit. Ugh. It seems very karaoke. Popped collar, bopping head, swaying hips... is he trying out for Grease? He then slows it down to a lounge act. Randy asks why it isn't the right song.. and his answer was "the drinking part." Randy liked the second half. Ellen thought it was a big song to take on, so it was an A for effort. Kara liked it because he was out of his comfort zone, and more current. The crowd seems shocked. Simon, of course, agrees with me. Old fashioned, karaoke, and a high school concert. He also said "frusss trAAY- ting" We are on the same level tonight.

It is so nice to be able to have two performances before a commercial. :)

Awkward Stool Time with Siobhan, and she has Elvis hair too. I hope that Adam tells her to stop trying to be him. "Suspicious Minds," is her song of choice- and he is sleepy, so he tells her to up the tempo. He says it is a "compliment" that people are comparing her to him. I wonder how many times he had to practice that to make it sound genuine. Her outfit looks like the one that Terry wears when she is a girl again in "Just One of The Guys." Damn you, google images for not providing me with a picture. And it is so 80's pop. Turrrrible. And the parents with her face on their shirt. Randy blah blah blah. Ellen thinks she looks fabulous, and liked the second half better, where she yelled like a banshee. Kara says she is confused by the two voices, and isn't crazy about it. Simon thinks it was erratic and not one of her best. Ryan wants to know what she should do next week. He says pick something that is more her. She says she doesn't know who she is, and that's ok, because who needs labels. Yup- and everyone gets a trophy, and everyone is special. Ugh.

Michael ins singing "In the Ghetto," which Siobhan recommended, because, you know, he's black. He slows it down and sings it on the chair with the guitar, because the ladies love it that way. Judges are kept to one sentence, because they realized that they wasted their chat time on the others. And they know they need it for Katie.

She is singing ".Baby Whatcha Want Me To Do?" because she wants to bring in the emotion of not knowing what the judges want into a song. Adam tells her that means she needs to rough it up, and you know, perform it. WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT. She is yelling into the mic half the time, and it is rough. Lights bonanza! Another tshirt family. Randy was "entertained," and seems surprised that it should be happening at this stage in the competition. Ellen said it was horny. Because there were a lot of horns. Kara got sassy. And Simon said it was annoying. But it doesn't matter what he thinks. When I look at her, I think of a comment from Showgirls. It is when the casting director is critiquing the girls, and he says to one (paraphrasing) "come back when you've screwed off the baby fat. " That's kinda how I feel about her.

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Casey is singing some song about misery. Adam tells him to make it more interesting, and he's like, "yeah, totally." Apparently "Cloudy, Miss Cloudy" is the song. His hair is pulled back, and his back up singers are on the stairs. It is weird. Ryan is really hanging out in the audience, and it is kind of creepy uncle with all the touching. Solid performance, blah blah. Ellen says it wasn't as exciting as she has seen.... Kara was bored. Simon called it a wasted opportunity. So, the show is ending on a downer...

Man- the bitches at Glee made sure this show ended when it was supposed to. Sorry Idol, you aren't the top dawg anymore. Don't mess with Glee fans, we've been waiting 4 months.

Who cares who goes home tomorrow? Fingers crossed for Siobhan and Aaron. Remember, there are supposed to be two. ;)

I'm not going to crazy spell check- because GLEE is on.

Idol Recap- 9 to 8

2010-04-07T20:01:00.003-07:00

These opening montages make the show seem a lot more entertaining than it actually is. Ryan wants us to be prepared for a surprise or two tonight. I am on the edge of my seat.

For the record, I can't stand Jason Derulo. Mainly because my boyf is now working for a top 40 radio station out here, so I listen to show support.... and they played Jason Derulo TWICE in the 4 hour morning show n today. TODAY. Too much. Also the fact that he says his name in each song is annoying too.

The judges are talking about donations for the upcoming Idol Gives back. I hate that night. Not because of the idea that they raise money for charity. That's cool.

Group song. You can tell they are pre-recorded because everyone is actually on pitch. Anyone can be a popstar these days. It's called auto tune. The dirty hippie is wearing white go go boots, and sounds like a Disney princess. I bet this is Simon Cowell's least favorite part of every show. If I were him, I would be drunk. It's the only way to endure this cruise show karaoke performance. I can't believe people pay money to see that shit on tour. Americans blow my mind.

Casey is the star of these terribly cheesy commercials. Do they use the same lame songs every year?

Let's get to the cuts. Siobhan is standing, and there aren't any cuts to any Sizombies in the audience. Where did those crazies go? Apparently they weren't dialing in, because she is sent to the center stage. Sweet. Hippie is safe, but looks terrified.... she is sent to the center as well. Which means she has to be safe, along with Siobhan, because Katie is joining her. And they never announce the bottom three in the first 15. Oh Idol, you toy with our emotions so. Crystal is announced as safe. Duh. And both the others are safe too. I just noticed that Katie is wearing a Let It Be shirt. What a poser. All the chicks are safe, so three of the dudes are in the bottom. Remember at the beginning of the season, when everyone kept saying "they picked crappy boys because they wanted a chick to win this year." Well, hate to break it to you, but those people are stupid. Because they picked crappy EVERYONE this year. So there.

Jason Derulo was signed by Kara. I now hate her. What the hell is he wearing?? His jacket has spikes and studs. And he is wearing gloves. I'm just thankful he didn't keep singing that stupid "when I become a star, we'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you" song. I think I have complained about it before. Is it necessary to have slow mo/ black and white scenes? He cannot hit a single high note and almost falls in the end of this cheesy spin, toe pic touch. Would have been better if he fell. Kara is in love, and says he is an incredible songwriter. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??? Simon pretends like he liked it. Drunk.

Hey, remember David Archuleta? He was the runner up and then guest starred on an episode of I-Carly. And that's it. So- don't vote for 16 YOs, America. He is such a nerd.

Lee is standing now, and they have to talk AGAIN about his lack of confidence. He now has to stand on the far side. I hate these dramatics. Big Mike stands...he gets to stand on the right side. Casey James stands, and has his hair pulled back. He joins Lee. I hope Aaron Kelly and David Archuleta get to hang out after the show. He gets to stand with Big Mike, who is three times his size. Tim Urban stands, and the girl screaming begins. He joins Lee and Casey. This is getting interesting... darn you Idol for making me think! Andrew stands and shows that he really doesn't have much personality. He joins Big Mike and Aaron. One of the two groups is bottom three. Ryan asks Ellen to guess which is bottom three, and she actually says Big Mike's group. And she is right. They looked pissed. Aaron Kelly is safe. Wowza....

We have THREE performers tonight?!?! Can't this just be a half hour? Balls. Rhianna is being rough and tough. She is singing about being a rockstar. Hmm. Head to toe leather. She's always been weird, IMHO. Now she is writhing around on the ground. This song sucks. I wonder if she wrote it herself. I think she changed songs... no wait... now she is holding a guitar, and it is obvious that it is only for looks. The judges aren't sitting in their normal seats, and I bet money Simon is in the back, crossing another day of the calendar of his contract.

Ryan reminds us that they are both fathers, and one of them is now a loser in their child's eyes... Andrew is safe.... Big Mike is SHOCKED. So is the roomie. Me too, if we are being honest. He is singing "This Woman's Work, " because they loved it a few weeks ago. His wife is bawling. Well hey, maybe now he can actually start to raise his daughter. #justsayin Kara looks like she is gonna riot. Do they save him now, or do they save whoever falls victim to the 13 yo girl voting block next week? Holy shit this is intense. Simon is always the talker. He wishes that he had sung like this the night before.... it was unanimous, and he is safe. His fans will get back into gear next week. They way everyone is reacting on stage, it is like he just cured cancer. Chill out.

Idol Recap- Let It Be

2010-04-06T18:57:00.004-07:00

Tonight is Beatles night. Let's see if it is like last year's Beatles night, where half of the covers were covers of songs changed for Across the Universe and I Am Sam, and the judges were none the wiser. Again with the behind the scenes crap. We know that there is a big control room that makes sure everything runs smoothly. I guess this year they want some more credit, since the show has been ending mostly on time. I would like to think that my continual complaining had something to do with it. I was willing to call the show for them, and get it to run on time for once. That call never came.

They put up a picture of Didi Benami as if she were dead. I found out that's how my old co-workers talk about me. Like, at lunch they say, "remember when Marissa (insert something witty and fun)?...... May she rest in peace." I think that's hilarious. Miss them all. :)

This week is Beatles week, and they have a montage of Beatles clips, and clips of the contestants waxing philosophical about the impact the Beatles had on pop music. But none of them were alive to hear them, so they just regurgitate the same crap that everyone has said about the Beatles for all of time. McCartney himself delivered an awkward message to the contestants, and it appears that he has had a stroke. Might have to google that. Ellen won the battle tonight, and gets to wear the vest. Kara chooses to dress on the exact opposite end of the spectrum, in a sequined party dress. The judges continue the rambling about the Beatles being the best band in the history of the universe, and Simon mentions that there are some songs from the Beatles that just cannot be changed. Uh oh contestants.... the judges are onery tonight!

This week, they asked the contestants to talk to about each other. Apparently the 16 YO Aaron is a big Star Wars nerd. Please look to the shocked look on my face. (/sarcasm) He will be singing "The Long and Winding Road." Not sure that I am familiar. His voice is really shaky and pitchy. With a really harsh ending. Not feeling it, dawg. Randy doesn't either. Another sleepy performance. What is with the angel glow from the lights on the judges? I think they are scared of HI-Def, and the soft lighting is an attempt to soften their fine lines. Kara says he needs to pick up the tempo, because we are asleep. Simon asks him why he chose it, and of course, he felt a personal connection. But it was boring and old fashioned. This kid is shorter than Ryan Seacrest. I hope he gets a growth spurt soon.

Awkward Stool Time with Katie. Apparently she has received 5 requests for Prom. She said that whoever votes the most will get to take her. Katie knows the "Single Ladies" dance. Riveting. And, because she is really out to prove she is young and hip, she chooses "Let It Be." It is a fine version, but does nothing to help the "stop acting like a 44 year old" critique from the judges. Randy is an idiot, and of course it is her "best performance ever." It might get to the point in this season where I stop talking about him- just like I did last year. Kara talks about how she is blossoming on the stage, and gets misty. Simon says that she got it right, because she leaned in the direction of more country. The other judges yell. And Kara sings for all of us. Remember? She's a really important song writer. Ugh, the dreaded "I had a blast." This girl has zero personality.

Andrew is a comedian, which is in total disagreement with Simon's criticism of him having the personality of a carrot. He will be singing "Can't Buy Me Love," which- for the record- is one of my favorite 80's movies. If Paula were here, she would ramble in a drug induced slur that she did the choreography for that movie. And I would smile. This version is a little funky, and guess what?!?! He showed some personality, and fakes the rest by wearing yellow. Because only really exciting people wear yellow. Randy said it was corny. Ellen says it was fun. Because what else is she supposed to say? Kara is meh, but says it in way more words. Simon says the band was overpowering, and made it old fashioned and irrelevant.

Big Mike is a loud snorer, is the Incredible Hulk and a Teddy Bear. Because his family was a performing family like the Jacksons, minus the asshole dad- let's hope- he will be singing "Eleanor Rigby," which his dad used to sing. Of course- it is funky, with a string quartet. He does an awesome job, and I think it's the first time he really deserved to be here- instead of people just loving the story. Randy "loves seeing the artist in him blossom." Barf. Ellen thought it was incredible. And Kara said it was FIRE. Simon said it was like a musical, which he doesn't like. Maybe that is why I liked it so much, because I am a SUCKER for a good musical. Hey judges, lets take 7 extra minutes arguing and critiquing a contestant that will be around for a few more weeks. GREAT use of our time.

Bowersox is up next. Money that she is going to do something from the drug induced Beatles period. Awkward Stool Time with Bowersox. Apparently in small town Ohio, with 1500 people- there is a "Home of the Dirty Hippie" sign hanging. The other idols says she is a beautiful mother that cares for everyone. But she is also a rebel that doesn't care what everyone thinks! This week's song she chose because it was "Fun." Really, "Come Together" is fun? But, I was right- it is druggie Beatles. How else do you explain lines like "he got joo joo eyeball?" Annnnnd she messed up the lyrics on a totally predictable performance. Randy rambled. Ellen is the president of the Bowersox fan club. Kara says it is a favorite performance because it was slinky and sexy. Simon said he could hear that performance on the radio. I think for the next few weeks I am not going to go over the commentary for Crystal, because it is all the same.

By the grace of the teenage girls across the world, Tim Urban lives to sing another week. And everyone loves his smile. And OF COURSE he is picking a FUN song. "All My Loving." That is my favorite type of Beatles song. His hair is very Beatles tonight, and this performance is making me smile like a school girl. The roomie even noticed, and it was embarrassing. Randy says it was better, mentions the Beatles hair. Naive Little Timmy was totally unaware. Kara is shooting him the death glare while Ellen giggles. She basically says "we've been beating you up and you keep coming back, so kudos." Simon said he did really well, and he liked that it was gimmick free and sounded current. And while he looks girly, he "takes criticism like a man." Even says he is proud. Randy is cranky, because he got it wrong.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. David Boreanaz and Bones are there!!!!!!! I have loved David for 14 years. I bawled like a baby when Angel died on Buffy. I was walking around the house sobbing, and my father said "Jesus Christ, Marissa. I didn't cry that much when my father died." I have always been over involved in television. The only dude I have loved longer is Jared Leto. And if you think I won't follow through on my plan to wear a Jordan Catalano t-shirt to the upcoming 30 Seconds to Mars concert--- you've got another thing coming.

Casey has a big laugh, like Kendra. And he has beautiful hair,like Jesus. He will be doing "Jealous Guy," written by Lennon. Rough start.... kinda reaching.... now we are into it. When I hear this song, I think of Look Who's Talking Too. He is kinda dreamy.... and totally rocking this. I can tell, because I stopped typing and just listened. <3. I hate it when i get a crush on the contestants. I had a serious crush on Kris Allen last year. I am just a sucker for a guitar player. I may or may not have made out with at least 5 dudes merely because they played guitar. Back in my single days, of course. :) Ellen loved it. And if you're keeping track, this time replaces all the other times that she has said that THIS was her favorite performance. Kara, blah blah vulnerable. Simon says it was the best of the night. He used the word "ginormous," and it made me happy. :)

Siobhan is up, and everyone is trying to find a nice way to say she's a total weirdo. Except for Big Mike- who says it straight. Tonight she will be singing "Across the Universe," which is one of my favorites. She better not fuck this up. She has a stool, so that means she is serious. She is singing straight through her nose. WHAT IS WITH THE RUFFLE SKIRT??!! I hope someone says this is self-indulgent, because this is textbook. I am trying to tune her out by switching to ONTD, but the website isn't loading properly since their redesign. Anyone else having that problem? If you aren't familiar... it is THE PLACE for snarky celebrity commentary on the interwebs. I want to be one of them so bad. Randy sucks. Ellen has weirdo love. Kara rambled. And Simon asked her how it was relevant to her. And she rambles about how nothing is going to change her world. And cries. Simon smiles awkwardly and says she was better than last week- and the loud jerk from the audience gets some screen time. Don't do that. You are only encouraging him. They even let him come on stage?!?! Is there no longer a code of conduct?

Lee Dewyze is the resident worry wart. Apparently Lee and Andrew have major guy love (don't worry- the link is SFW) for each other. He is singing "Hey Jude," which isn't a really big surprise. I like the gravel he brings to it. ANNNNNNND Bagpipes. Because, why the hell not? Now we know why this was saved for last. Randy loves the bagpipes. He tells him again not to be nervous. YO, PLEASE BELIEVE! These families wearing "vote for my family member" shirts are annoying. We get it. We know you're family. We see "so and so's family" in the lower third. Simon did not dig the bagpipes, but admires that Lee asked for them. Because, let's be honest- there are weirder things that he could request... like a didgeridoo. Wow, I spelled that correctly on my first attempt. I RULE!

Katie, Andrew and the 16 YO are bottom three. Unless this is the time that America gets lazy, and one of the favorites makes it there... we shall see tomorrow. :)

IF you are looking for something good to watch after Idol, start watching Parenthood. It is great that Lorelei Gilmore is back on tv. Sigh. I want to be her so bad.

Idol Recap- 10 to 9

2010-03-31T20:03:00.003-07:00

So, I missed part of the opening, because I needed to load up on allergy medicine. I LOVE spring in AZ, and I had the windows open all day. Only problem is the sinus headache that comes with it. After two Benadryl, let's see if I stay awake for the whole show. There were dragons and Simon, and it was weird.

In case you were wondering, Ruben Studdard has not been found face down in a pile of cream filled donuts, and is in fact, still recording music. This song is really weird, and it is apparently R&B, since that is the theme this week. I like that Idol pretends that they have such a diverse group of winners/top contestants that represent every genre. Who really knew this guy was even still alive? He has some cute dimples, but his suit fits really weird. Apparently because he has lost a lot of weight, and is Vegan now. That boggles my mind, the whole Vegan thing. I have a friend that does it, and she makes some really great meals. I just don't know that I could put forth that much effort.

This week's painful obligatory commercial presentation is to "Kung Fu Fighting," and there are two teams in kung fu outfits, except for Casey- who was like, "you've gotta be fucking kidding me if you think I am gonna sell out that hard." These things are so cheesy.

Now Ryan talks with the contestants to get their feedback on their performances and such, and Crystal proves that she has limited personality. She makes a joke about learning the guitar because it was easier to carry than a piano- and no one laughs. Ouch.

Ugh, the cross promotion is unbearable. The cast from Clash of the Titans has a message for the cast. And it was stupid.

Lee is the first to stand, and rambles like an idiot. But he is safe, and Casey James is on the chopping block. They keep putting the two of them together, as if to say they are competing for the "raspy voiced rocker" spot. There's only room for one.. but we will find out which one in a later episode because they are safe, and there are more slackers to cut. Ryan brings up the little boy, and tries some banter. And Simon tells him this isn't the Oprah show so STFU. Awkward banter ensues, and of COURSE Randy has to put his two cents in, all to find that the kid is safe. Siobhan and Katie stand together, and Siobhan has a shirt with a big skull on it, but her hair is really sassy. Ryan tries to ask AGAIN who Katie should listen to--- and this is so overdone. WHO FUCKING CARES!? The girl is boring and needs to go home. She is in the bottom three AGAIN. I think Simon is going to punch Ryan in the face (well deserved) and basically tells Katie the reason she is In the bottom three is because she is not listening to him. Which is true.

OMFG, Justin Beiber!!! I love that little guy so much. I wish he was performing instead of Usher. His voice sounds really weird. "honey's got some boobies like wow wow wow?" Really?!?!?! Reason # 832 I don't listen to top 40 music. What time do they film this, because Will.I.Am is supposed to be in PHX tonight performing? Maybe he has super powers. Lindsay Lohan's crazy ass is supposed to be there, according to her twitter. I don't know if she really likes the show, or just likes it because Samantha Ronson does. Yes, I know this. Remember- I am unemployed right now. I went from talking to 100-200 people a week to mainly communicating with my cat. I have spare time.

Didi is awkwardly talking with Ryan now, and she still looks pissed that he was such a weirdo last night. Poor Didi is in the bottom three. I bet if she had told a story about how the song was sung for her dead boyfriend, she would have gotten enough votes to stay.

They bring up big Mike, and pretend that he is in the bottom three, only to find out that Ryan just wanted to give him a high five. Wanna know what you get when you mess with big Mike? You get picked up and tossed in the air like a rag doll.

Crystal is safe. The next few weeks are just a formality.

Tim and Andrew are standing together and holding each other in a really weird way. Kara calls him out on being a smiley pants, and he basically says "look, I know I'm not long here on this show, so I am gonna have some fun." Andrew is safe, and Tim is in the bottom three. The other two losers walk to center stage with him and we watch and point like they are circus freaks. Katie is saved again, because --- well, I don't have an answer for that.

Now we have to hear some song from some "entrepreneur" that I have never heard of. Haha... can you tell I was only half listening to the intro? This guy comes out and is dancing.. and I thought- he moves like Diddy. I think the Benadryl is kicking in. I'm sorry Diddy, you can tell me to turn my television up and my lights down- but that requires getting up. Not gonna happen. Idol is not meant to be interactive. Diddy hugs all the judges- and I think he might have ignored Kara...

Alright- who gets kicked off......

Didi. What. The. Hell. You should have bared your soul, you tard. She is going to sing for her life... as if the judges would save her. She sings "Rhiannon," which I think she sang before. The judges are whispering, and Ellen is not involved, basically because she is a puppet. Simon is asked if she is to be saved, and the crowd chants "save her, save her!" But unlike the "Donna Martin Graduates!" chant, this does not work. I will still buy her album because I like chick rock.

Apparently her and Siobhan are best friends, because they are sobbing and holding each other. Ryan can't even talk and all we hear is bawling. Weird.

Idol Recap- Ten Pipers Piping

2010-03-30T19:18:00.006-07:00

We begin with a really awkward backstage bit, probably to add "spice to the show." It is really just forced, and quite odd when Ryan tells the judges to kiss each other.

I always wondered what the people who sit behind BEHIND the assholes with the big signs think about having a neon pink piece of cardboard dancing in front of their face multiple times throughout two hours. If the sign is as shabbily made as some of these, I would be pissed. At least put some effort into it.

Randy wins the cardigan sweater this week.

Fresh off his latest Michael Jackson tribute, Usher is this week's mentor. Siobhan geeks out. Usher jokes that he will be critical, but he realizes this is just an opportunity to sell albums- so why show his nasty side? Ryan looks like a big nerd with his sunglasses, because he wants to be cool like Usher and wear sunglasses inside. The only time I do that is when I am hungover. Do you think it is coincidence that there are pretty girls sitting behind Usher, in camera sight? Sorry uggos- you have to sit in the back row, in the corner. No one wants you on tv.

Siobhan- I just found out that my mom loves this weirdo. She is performing "Through the Fire," and Usher was shocked that she had the voice to back it up. He talked to her about her wardrobe choice, without saying "bitch what the HELL are you wearing. freak." She seems to be singing kind of off the beat, and it is PITCHY. Really pitchy. The back up singers are not amused, and dogs in the neighborhood are covering their ears with their paws. Her Missy Elliot boots look stupid. Randy thinks it is kinda rough, and Ellen makes another metaphor, this time about getting lost hiking. Kara said her lower register wasn't there, and she is entitled to a free pass because she has been so awesome. Simon basically tells her she looks like an idiot, sounded terrible and he is sick of the screaming at the end. Ryan tries to get Siobhan's thoughts because she thought she was taking a risk. Then we get to hear the judges give the same feedback they JUST gave, which will undoubtedly put us over. Ryan- you should know better than to ask the judges a questions after their allotted time.

More behind the scenes footage shows Siobhan waling back in a trance.

Casey- "Hold On, I'm Coming." And gets a thumbs up and head nod from Usher. That's about it. Back up singers have moved to the other side of the stage in order to bring in the trumpets and such. Casey is sometimes playing guitar, and the rest of the time it just hangs there limply. Why bother bringing it out? Oh----- so he could have a rock out solo towards the end. I bet Randy will say it was great, even though he is the one that always sells this as a SINGING competition. If you still think that, I've got a time share in the Bahamas I would like to talk to you about. Randy loved it, duh. Ellen said it felt generic, and gets boo'd. Kara talks about his range, and he needs to pick a song that has some more umph, and isn't so simple. Simon says it was great- and showed a different side. The judges look like they are going to KILL him. Because he was happy? Weirdos.

Big Mike is singing "Ready for Love," a song I have never heard of. Usher tells us that chicks dig a guy that can sing and plan guitar. No shit?!?! He tells Big Mike to play to the audience, and into the camera. Which is something that Miley told him to do last week, and something that Mike has always done. These mentors are really top notch. Mike is singing on a stool behind the judges, which is kinda weird. And as my mom pointed out "how can he look at the audience if he has his eyes closed?" The audience is doing the lame hand waving shit, which is weird. Randy loved it, and so did Ellen. Why don't they just take turns, since they say the same thing. Kara loved it and totally geeks out on him. Simon can finally take him seriously, and cue Usher looking like a proud papa. And now has two bodyguards sitting next to him. Some fans musta gotten crazy during the break.

Didi- since I have been spelling her name wrong. Thanks for not attacking me about it. She is singing "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted," and totally broke down at the end, and Usher says to bring the emotion earlier, so the audience can feel it. She looks beautiful, and her dress is killer. Red carpet glam. The performance is pretty basic, until she does this desperate pleading at the end. Randy said he performance was flat, and he didn't get it. Ellen said it was way dramatic, and Kara agrees that it is overdone. She says she doesn't know who she is. Simon said it was like like swimming in jelly, and he is basically over her. He then makes reference to her dancing show that butchers songs. Hilar. Then there is this really awkward exchange where Ryan asks her to explain why she chose it, and she beats around the bush and he pokes more, and he realizes she won't explain- so he tells everyone that she was singing the song FOR someone and he will leave it at that. We'll see if people share anymore secrets with YOU Ryan.

Awkward stool time with Tim- they have this interesting conversation about Tim being called Teflon Tim. He is singing "Sweet Love, " and Usher tells him he doesn't believe him. He is supposed to then imagine Usher is his love interest, and that doesn't work so much either. Uh oh, Tim is on the stairs- so you know he is serious. This wide eyed thing is really creepy. Like he is watching me undress. Kinda stalkerish. But- chicks dig Edward Cullen, so this might work to his advantage. I have a feeling he might be this season's Sanjaya. Randy called him a singing waiter, but complimented him for singing in tune. Ellen calls out an apparent drinking game where people drink every time she called him adorable, and says it a few times for their benefit, because it won't happen again. She then echoes my sentiment that he is a creeper. Kara says he sucked the soul out of it, and Tim laughs. Simon tells him it was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, because he has no chance of winning. But he says that he can keep laughing, because it doesn't matter- because the girls will vote, and he will be here next week anyway.

Ryan has lost his mind. I think his 429 jobs are finally taking a toll.

Andrew is singing "Forever" by the girlfriend beater. And Usher told him he was acting like a nervous spaz and that he needed to do it again and connect. I am glad that he is doing this a little acoustic and different, because Chris Brown is dead to me, and hearing his voice fills me with rage. Wait, double your pleasure double your fun are the REAL lyrics? I thought he just did that for the gum commercial. Lame. Randy proclaims that "Andrew is back!" Ellen talks about him smiling. And the dentist. Kara says it is a giant leap in the right direction. Simon said it was miles better, but that he is boring. In order to take the show to another level of crazy, Ryan asks Andrew's mom what she thinks- and encourages her to say something in Spanish into his microphone. Ryan is high.

Katie Stephens talks about some time that she met Usher at Universal, and he got escorted away by security. She is singing "Chain of Fools," which is way old- and doesn't help her need to be younger. Usher tells her to connect with the audience. Her hair looks stupid. Like a pasty white girl trying to be street, and the hoop earrings are too much. And that outfit makes her look pregnant. I am only commenting on the outfit because we all know she can sing. But she is otherwise boring, proving again that this is not a singing competition. Randy says she has the pipes, but needs to connect. Ellen says she needs to be current. DUH. Kara says the vocals were great but she needs to make it more commercial. Simon thinks it is robotic and Star Search. Then everyone yells about how Simon is wrong and doesn't know anything, and he laughs all the way to the bank.

Awkward stool time with Lee Deweyze. I forgot he was still on this show. "Treat Her Like a Lady," is what he has chosen, and Usher thinks it is a special treat. Usher tells him to won it, just like the judges have been telling him for weeks now. He has totally removed the cheesy do-wop from the song and rocked it up. I dig. Randy yells, which means he liked it. Ellen too. Kara says i was amazing. Simon says he has always believed in him, and he has been a disappointment up until this point- but he needs to go home tonight and watch it, because it was the performance that may have changed his life forever.

Would it be possible to have two performances without a break? GLEE IN TWO WEEKS!!!!

Crystal is called out by Usher, who tells her to play the piano instead of playing the guitar. Usher loves her, and begins to speak very mellow, as if they shared some reefer before. "Midnight Train to Georgia" is her somg for tonight, and it suits her voice nicely. She is obviously safe, so that is all you will get from me. Oh Shit- she stood up from the piano, and is connecting with the audience. Randy name drops, saying that Gladys would love it. Ellen says she is in it to win it. Kara is a proud mama. Simon says the choice was sensational, and her vocals were incredible. But he does say that the back up vocalists needed to not be there, and it makes it someone she isn't. Since she knows who she is, he tells her not to get sucked into the machine.

Is it just me, or has this been the longest episode ever? I really like these tampon commercials that make fun of how lame tampon commercials are. Who wears white pants on their period? Not just because of the obvious reason.... but because you feel like a fat whale, and white pants aren't exactly slimming.

Aaron is singing "Ain't Know Sunshine" and Usher tells him the "I Know, I Know" part needs to be more personal. Usher says he could do well if he plays his cards right. Well, since he is the last performance, I have to assume he did alright. His jacket has a really big hood, as if he is prepared for a rainstorm. Meh. Exactly what I thought it would be. Randy said something I didn't hear because my mom was talking. She seems to forget that I need to hear this. :/ The other two are meh. Simon said that he has heard it sung much better, including on this show- but he is safe.

Siobhan's performance is even worse in the recap. I can't remember how to say her name, because in my head, I call her Sybian. Thank you Howard Stern.

I hope someone is driving Ryan home. That dude is on something, and I want to make sure he gets a glass of water, a sandwich, and gets put to bed.

Idol Recap- Who's on Tour?

2010-03-24T20:04:00.003-07:00

Tonight, the most important Idol vote off.... until next week. Big deal, we get to the Top Ten. Dramatic intro, comic book style... and then there is a chick in the audience with blood all over her face. Wait... what? Camera to Ryan... crowd shot with the bloody faced girl, as if to say, "yes, you REALLY DID just see that." I wonder if she is dramatically protesting the heath care reform.

As if these group sings couldn't be worse--- let's destroy a Wham song. I will let you know, no disparaging remarks about Wham, or one of my all time favorite artists, George Michael, will be tolerated. No joke. Serious as a heart attack.

Ugggggh, totally forgot about these ridiculous Ford commercials. Remember when the Plain White T's were relevant? I do... it was right before I met my boyf... 2 AND A HALF YEARS AGO. Get relevant.

Ryan has all the contestants sitting in two rows, reminding them of how CRUCIAL tonight is.

Apparently Siobhan's friend is growing a beard that will not be shaved until she is kicked off... which might be soon, because the chick covered in blood is her friend... and is a "Sizombie, " or something equally ridiculous. Yes, a crazy army of fans that cover themselves in blood are exactly who America relates to.

Did you know that Big Mike is a dad? Because there is another video package about it.

Siobhan is the first to be stood up, and she awkwardly rambles for what seems like half a hour, only to hear that she is safe. Cue screaming blood covered chicks. Seriously, this girl needs some PR help. Weirdos. Come to think of it, there are those idiot girls that want to be vampires so they can find their own abusive true love that sparkles, so it might not be a bad idea. Sizombies!

Lee and Casey stand together. We hear their critiques... and they are forced to stay standing, while we hear about how Tim and Paige sucked balls. Tim AGAIN talks about how much FUN he had. Paige looks like she is going to vomit, and admits she sucked. Ryan asks Randy to talk about who is in the bottom three, and he grows a pair and says Paige. And he is right.... and Tim is there with her. They walk across the stage in shame, and Lee and Casey are still standing there until commercial, because they haven't been directed to do anything else. But up next, IT'S MILEY!

Miley, because she is a true artist, is at the piano. Last night she stressed "connecting with the audience through eye contact, " but because she is Miley fucking Cyrus, she is singing with her eyes closed, because NO ONE tells her what to do... not even herself. She gets up from the piano only to throw herself into really forced convulsions and headbanging when she hits the powerful chorus. Odd. Billy Ray is in the audience, and it is clear that he is confused by the performance as well.

Top row is safe, so Casey and Lee got to sit. The 16 YO stands up and is already about to cry- but he is safe, and Ryan puts him out of his misery quite quickly. Dee Dee is up, and talks and I want to punch her. They babble and I checked my twitter. She's safe. Big Mike stands up, and the stage shakes. Kidding. He's safe, in case you were losing sleep over it. Dirty Hippie: safe. And the sky is blue. Either Andrew or Katie are in the bottom three, and no one is surprised. By some magical Emo voting block, Andrew is safe- and Katie is in the bottom three. They line them up only to send Katie right back. Such drama and excitement.

OMG, a Jonas and Demi Lovato!!! OMG, they're like TOTALLY DATING, which is so great, because they've been BFF's for like, ever! Wow, Demi is really dramatic with the hand movements. Is this the song they recorded for that save the whales thing on the Disney channel? Yeah- I'm 27 and I watch the Disney channel. Phineas and Ferb is a funny show. I'm comfortable with that. Hey, where's Perry?

8:54.... aaaaaaannnnd we're back. Did you know whoever is safe goes on tour? Red lights for effect. Paige is out, and a forced "ohhhhhhh" comes from the audience. Ryan asks for words of encouragement from Simon, and he tells her that he doesn't want to toy with her, because she IS going home, no doubt. The "safe" pass won't be used on her. Simon tells her to go back to her roots when they met her and how she used to not suck. Ryan pours salt in the wounds, and asks what she is going to tell her students, since she failed. AND she has to watch her video package- and Ryan closes everything out, thanking Miley and Demi and the hipster Jonas, and thank the crew and the band and the audience--- because they really only want to hear about 7 seconds of her shit-tastic performance. Wait, wtf, she's allowed to sing any song she wants? When did this start? Did they do this last week? Because I was drunk. It was St Pattys. :)

Anyone know what "PTz on the Deckish" means? Boyf got a random text message from someone he doesn't know- in that weird text/twitter language with no punctuation, and that was the sign off. EDIT: apparently it was a guy randomly text messaging to promote his myspace music. check it out here: http://www.myspace.com/hatturntback

Off to Chicago tomorrow, see you bitches next week!

Idol Recap- Ocean's 11

2010-03-23T21:53:00.003-07:00

I was able to go to dinner tonight with some friends I haven't seen in AGES. So, for the first time (I think) I am blogging with DVR. Not mine. I am still too stubborn; blogging at my parents house. We start with the camera scanning the top 11, and Ryan's head is projected on the screen behind them. It's like he wants to be the Great and Powerful Oz, and then the camera pans to him, and we see he is a munchkin. Had to, sorry.

This week, Randy and Simon won the rights to wear cardigan sweaters, so Ellen gets a blazer and scarf. Kinda like she came from filming her show, and put the scarf on for her nighttime look.

This week is a big deal, because whoever gets sent home gets the bonus of not doing cheesy group songs and lame choreography during the tour, but the sadness of not getting the paycheck, thus ENDING THEIR CAREER. They try so hard to pretend like the Top Ten are a really big deal, when we all know that if anything, the top 4-5 might be remembered enough to end up on Celebrity Rehab. The rest of those get laid for a year and then fade into oblivion.

Tonight we get the honor of having Miley Cyrus as the "mentor." She openly admits that she has no idea what she is doing, and is basically here for the paycheck. Hopefully she can buy some pants, because she is nearly naked. Boy shorts are for the beach, put some clothes on. She says that if she doesn't have anything to say that's bad, she will say it's pitchy... because it is vague. No camera shot to show Randy glaring at her.

Lee Dewyze- He sings a song that I swear has been sung like, twelve times, "Letter." But he gets backed up by the remaining members of the Blues Brothers Band. The whole thing seemed kind of early 80's to me, but the judges seemed to like it. Randy loved it. Ellen talks about how when you have your favorite pen, and it always writes well, that you do anything to get it better when it starts to stall, like heating it or shaking it. I have a favorite pen. I used to get pens allllll the time from work. So, when I was packing my boxes, I made sure to take my favorite pen with me. It was a promotional product from a client, and thus not company property, so it's not stealing. Anyway, Lee is her favorite pen, and he is writing well again. The other judges said things, and I was distracted. He's the first guy out, so it is strong enough to open the show, and is safe for next week.

Awkward Stool Time with Paige: She is most nervous about these high heels she is wearing. After watching her video package with Miley, she had a lot more to worry about. Miley tells her she was pitchy, and Paige says " I totally knew that, you are so great Miley." Miley should have told her to change the song, because she was ruining it. Who chooses Phil Collins? So dated. He is played in restaurants that need background filler. She comes out sitting on stairs that move forward on the stage, and she is sucking it up!! Like, breathy, shaky, pitchy, and as Randy says "terrible." Ellen says she likes her shoes. Kara said that she tackled the Mariah Carey version, which I didn't know existed, and she failed. Probably the worst vocal of the season. Simon tortures her by asking her what she thought of it, and she babbles and he tells her she sucks. Buh bye, Paige.

Tim Urban is singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," Miley suggests to add riffs and switch it up. She hugs him because she doesn't think he is boring. He plans on moving around the stage and having fun with it. Wow, what a dramatic removal of the microphone, Tim- YOU'RE SO HARD CORE! He slides across the stage, and hops down the stairs into the crowd. He has learned early that he has to play to the voting demo, and be dreamy and flirty. His dad needs some fashion help. Randy mentions that it is a "singing competition." Which, ummm, it isn't. He called it bad karaoke. Ellen calls it corny, as if she has never seen the group sing. She calls him Zac Effron, and tells him he acts like he already made it. Simon called it "completely and utterly pointless and silly." Little girls across the country are getting their dialing fingers ready, because they're scurrrd.

Awkward Stool Time with Aaron Kelly- He is having trouble with his voice, also known as puberty. Or "tonsillitis." Apparently he has a crush on Miley. He sang "The Climb" at his audition, and he wondered if she had seen it. She plays along, and says he was great. He is singing "Don't Want to Miss a Thing," which you should have known, because it is Aerosmith's only number one. And goes against everything they ever did, because it is totally lame and lacking in balls. This is the high school talent show, and this kid is loving every moment. Randy says "thank God you came on and started singing!!" because the last two didn't. Ellen babbles. Kara says "best song choice of the night." Simon, please come take me away from crazytown, because I was bored. Simon said it was brave, but he is making himself old fashioned for his age, but there is zero chance he is going home.

The Dirty Hippie is up, and of course singing Janis Joplin. Miley says to sing it higher, because her voice is great up there. And then Crystal asks her to sign the guitar that powerful talented women have signed. Her performance was exactly what I expected. RANDY YELLS THAT SHE IS DOPE. Ellen heard this on the radio the other day and thought to herself "oh, she should sing that." Really? DUH. This is when I remember that Americans are stupid. Kara wants her to drop the guitar next week, which she was secretly planning anyway. Simon says she's great, and mentions that she is standing on a carpet. Ryan and the hippie then sit on the carpet and pass the doobie to each other and talk about war. Well, that last part only happened in my mind.

Big Mike meets Miley and picks her up, squeezing the life out of her. He is singing "When a Man Loves a Woman," and Miley is in love. Or light headed. The two things are very close. He is hoping this week that this song "speaks to the lovers out there." Uh, Cheesy Wedding DJ from 1987 called, he wants his line back. String quartet and a piano, so he is fucking SERIOUS. And he delivers a solid performance that the ladies love. Goes all falsetto in the end, and gives a kissy face. Randy doesn't know if it was the best song choice, but he "sang the i don't know what" out of it. Ellen said it was safe, like driving the speed limit, but he got there in the end. Kara said it was technically great, but boring, loungy and overindulgent. Simon Blah Blah Blahs.

Andrew Garcia is up, and many people think he should have been gone last week. He proves it by forgetting the lyrics. So Miley tells him to lose the guitar. At some point, someone told Miley to show that she had shorts on, so now we can see her denim. Andrew has totally lost his coolness, and is giving a karaoke "Heard It Through the Grapevine," complete with chest pumping and pointing to fake tears. Ladies and gents, this is what we call a sell out. Randy says it wasn't good. About 9 times. Ellen hopes his fans vote for him, because his ass needs to be saved. Kara tells him AGAIN that he has to go back to the moment where he did "Straight Up." Simon says, maybe they overrated that performance that they mention EVRY FUCKING WEEK. He also said that he sucked the soul out of the song, and ruined it. :) Andrew says that his goal was to "just have fun." Thanks, glad you could have fun, while we suffer through cheese and pitch. Bad answer.

We now have little Katie Stevens meeting Miley, and both are 17. Katie is singing Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry." Miley tells her to edge it up, and it was a good choice. Really? This girl has no idea what to do with the voice she has. BTW, I get a 100% on this song in the American Idol video game, and it is 3 music notes, which is the hardest. Maybe Katie played it too, and got the same score. I however, realized that a 100% in the game doesn't mean I should sing it in real life.
Randy was excited that she listened, and went younger- even though it was pitchy and flat and all over the place. Ellen loved it, and she is dumb. Kara says that pop with R&B leanings are where she belongs, but she still has pitch issues. Simon thinks she would get a more loyal following with country... and she should listen, like Carrie Underwood did.

Awkward Stool Time with Casey- this is really awkward, because he is too big for that stool. He meets Miley, and says that he loves her dad. She tells him to look into the audience more... because it is a moment. He says "funny, I was totally gonna do that." He is doing "The Power of Love." He is kinda playing the guitar with it.... a little.... Now the Blues Brothers Band is in the rafters, playing and swaying. This is so weird and I don't know why he chose it. They use the worst graphics for him on those big screens. Randy wasn't a fan of the song choice, but thought he did it well. Ellen says "ditto." Well, she didn't SAY it, but she should have, instead of repeating the whole sentence. Kara loved it. Simon says it was like listening to an 80's cover band, and gets boo'd. He says maybe he is the only one- but I want him to know he isn't. And this is coming from a chick that LOVES Huey Lewis. Not ashamed.

Dee Dee "You're No Good" Miley loves her vibratto. This girl, I love her performance, but she is straight up nerdy and annoying when she talks. Ugh. The camera man is focusing on the guys playing instruments on the corners of the stage... She sashes down the stairs, and it seems kinda put on, but I really dig the voice, so I overlook that, and her weird swaying and finger snapping. She reminds me of Taylor Swift, but with the ability to perform live. Randy says pitchy. Ellen didn't get the song choice. Kara says it was like she was playing a character, which is totally accurate. Simon gets boo'd when he says it was ironic when she was singing "you're no good." She pipes up and said she wants to show another side, and have some fun. Bloody hell people, this isn't about you having fun.

Siobahn meets Miley, and I am surprised that she didn't try to take a lock of her hair. Miley said her voice had swagger... but she'll kick her to the curb unless she looks like Mick Jagger. Made up that last part. Siobahn is singing "Superstitious," and comes out with a faux hawk. Her stage persona is so weird and awkward. She makes me really uncomfortable. She takes really big steps too. AND OF COURSE makes the big yelly notes. Is it time that we tell her, like we told Adam Lambert, that just because we like it, it doesn't mean we need it in every song? Randy thinks it's great, man. Man, man, man. Ellen quotes Oliver, you know, the orphan from the book, and says "more." Kara loves the end note... so I guess it isn't time... WAIT Simon brings it up, and says it wasn't done as well as normal, and she needs to push herself more. She has side burns. She might be a leprechaun. Yeah... pointy ears. Got it.

As it stands, with this group, I wouldn't buy a ticket to the tour. But, I've never been interested in buying a ticket, so no real change. Paige is on the chopping block, Tim is near the bottom- but will be saved by the tweens, Andrew is in deep water.

OMG!! Tomorrow Miley and Demi Lovato are BOTH going to be there. DRAMA!!! Why do I know this?

Idol Recap- Dirty Dozen

2010-03-16T18:58:00.004-07:00

Tonight, I am watching Idol over at my parents, as my littlest sister is in town for Spring Break, and well, I am on what one might call a Spring Break as well. I asked my dad if he wanted to watch Idol with us, and his response was "I would rather be eviscerated by an armadillo." You could say I get my flair for the dramatic from him.

Welcome to the big event.... tonight is the REAL beginning, with performances from all of our top twelve. Do you think Ellen and Randy have to fight over who gets to wear the sweater vest? This week they compromised: Randy got the buttoned up cardigan and Ellen got an open vest.

Tonight is Rolling Stones night. I found out a few weeks ago that apparently Angelina Jolie hooked up with Mick Jagger about ten years ago. Weird. I wonder how they got anything accomplished, with both of their huge lips battling.

Michael Lynch- Wife is in his video package. She looks good, especially since she just popped out a kid. Which they show, of course. You can't vote off a newborn, America. There are some weird dance moves going on... and I don't know what to think about it. He really is"making it his own," because I can only recognize this song during he chorus. "His own" has an early 90's vibe to it. Meh. Randy says he "slayed it." Ugh, now the crowd feels they need to yell all the time. Unnecessary. Kara is talking about the Stones like they died in a plane crash. Last time I checked, they still rock it. Simon says it was corny, especially the dancing. :) Then Simon and Ryan start their fake banter, and I tune out.

Awkward stool time with Didi: apparently her mom can't watch, because she gets nervous AND can't listen to the judging. I like Didi until she starts talking. OH, she's the middle sister. Now I know. There was a photo of her in a rose dress with big shoulder pads. I may have had the same dress. She is singing "Playing with Fire." The crowd is doing the "wave your hands in the air..." but I am doubtful that they are doing it "cuz [theys] a true playaaa." If you don't get the reference, GTFO. I hate when the audience does lame crap like that. It totally devalues the performance, much like Randy's YO. He thinks that she was "on fire." Thanks for the pun, sweater boy. I don't know what Ellen said, because I was too busy adding a joke. Kara says it was well done. Simon says it was a "solid, not brilliant performance." I like her big curls. I am going to try to do it that way tomorrow, for my St Pats day of drunkness.

Casey James: His mom is in a shirt with his picture, and it's weird. I think we might be getting jealous brother from his bro. Kinda like the blind kid's bro last season. Doing anything he can to get a little extra camera time. "It's All Over Now," a little country style... Casey is working the hair product this week, and has some more defined curls. The lighting guys on this show need to chill the eff out. We don;t need crazy green flashing block lights on the stage. it is so cheeeeeesy. Randy LOVED IT! You can tell he yelled, because I have it in CAPS. Ellen makes a joke about how she's a lesbian. Ha. Over the heads of the little ones, don't worry Bible Belt. Kara says he was a rock star, and has to prove that she knows that this is an early Stones song that THEY didn't write. She is really smart, remember. Simon says he looked great and sang well, but didn't use the stage to do something incredible. Casey is reallllly tall. Ryan looks like a leprechaun. Not the scary kind, the kind that has a bucket of gold.

--- commercial for the Last Song. I have this problem where if there is a book for a movie, I HAVE to read it before I see it. I am tempted to read this book... not sure if I should. I am batting .700 with Nicholas Sparks. LOVED the Notebook, obvi. HATED Nights of Rodanthe so much that I didn't bother with the movie. Read Dear John, liked it ok, but when the boyf downloaded it to watch on Valentine's weekend it was a "bad copy" and we couldn't watch it. Heard it wasn't good if you read the book. I will probably wait for dvd to read it, I have more pressing books on my list.--------

Lacey Brown- I am still amazed that this chick is in the top 12, because I don't even remember her auditioning. "Ruby Tuesday," with a string quartet. This chick needs some more upbeat songs. Sister: "She sounds like Macy Gray." I nod. "I don't like Macy Gray." Her outfit is a mess. One shoulder striped shirt, beige fringed bustier, high waisted belted skirt and sparkly leggings. Randy calls it "very interesting." Ellen noticed that she likes to sit on the edge of things, and called it sleepy. Kara said she has to "agree with the guys." I think Ellen has a vagina, actually. Thanks for coming out. Simon says she performs like an actress, and she needs to stop over thinking it. She sucks, I hopes she's gone.

Andrew Garcia- His dad thought he was going to be custodian, because he collected keys. I used to dance in my underwear and leg warmers, I'm glad my parents didn't think I was going to be a stripper. His mom is apparently mute. "Gimmie Shelter," in which I remember the back up singer more than Mick. Like, to the point where I kinda forgot the Stones did it. I think it was in Forrest Gump. Who told the audience to clap? This is not a clapping song. This dude is the edgiest dude in the competition, and it just seemed lame. Randy said it was pitchy, Ellen loved it. Kara talks to him about how it is a song about war, and she didn't feel the edge. Simon asks if he should have brought a tank on stage. Points for Simon.

Awkward stool time with Katie : Ryan talks about how they tell her to be young, and then comes Rolling Stones week.... SO WHAT DOES SHE DO?!?! WHAT DOES SHE DO!!?? (that was to be read like Dennis Hopper in Speed) Sing Wild Horses, of course. Not Satisfaction like BRITNEY SPEARS DID. Idiot. I bet she is really excited that her mom put a picture of her in a straw hat with a sunflower in the montage. Since I am falling asleep with her performance, I am going to back track. Her video package had a clip from her singing at a wedding. Sister: "I would never let an 8 YO sing at my wedding, I don't care how talented she is. " True. The audience with the waving the hands in the air again! Her dress is youthful, sister says ugly. Randy says it was a strong performance, but I don't think he believes it. Kara says that she made some good choices with the melody. Simon says it's the only week she has picked a good song. These judges really don't seem to believe what they are saying. Is it just me?

Tim Urban- Wanted to be an athlete growing up, but then his brother beat him up and called him a pussy and he decided to start singing. That's what really happened, but he told it differently. "Under My Thumb," Bob Marley style. Yuck. In case you guys didn't know this was the "Rasta" angle, the orange, green and yellow lights are there to help. Spark the Ganga and wave your hands. This is awful, and I bet Keith Richards has pissed his pants laughing. Either that, or he just turned to his naked chick and said "how HIGH AM I?" Randy didn't get it. Ellen said it felt like she was at a resort drinking a pina coloda, getting caught in the rain. ;) Kara references the "guys" again. I hope Ellen pulls down her pants during the commercial break. Simon said it didn't work, and Stones fans would be turning the station at that point. Because SO MANY watch this show regularly.

Shioban Magnus - Apparently there are 32 children in her hippie commune home. Another mute mom. Of COURSE she is singing "Paint it Black." The weird one would chose my favorite Stones song. She looks like she is dressed for the homecoming dance... and has combat boots. Because she is a rebel. I don't really know how I feel about it. It is was easier when I am not looking at her "passing a kidney stone" face. And she yells a big note. Remember how you guys liked that a few weeks ago? Well she's doing it again for ya! Randy says IT WAS HOT! Ellen can't even talk, and says she rises above like Snooki's poof. Kara says she is having Adam Lambert flashbacks. And loves it. Simon agrees that it is the standout performance of the night. Hey Siobhan. There is someone else that is idols04... you are idols08. so putting up 4 fingers twice is confusing. Put up 8 fingers, once. Don't confuse the fans.

Awkward stool time with Lee Dewyze- In case you haven't caught on, he is this season's "regular guy." He works at a paint store! He's just like you, America! HE HAS A PICTURE IN A TMNT SHIRT!!! He should wear that to perform in. "Beast of Burden," but you wouldn''t know, because he mumbles like the guy in Pearl Jam. Both my father and boyf are gonna be pissed that I didn't reference him by name, but they don't read the blog, so they can STFU. ;) If we are talking literally, this is an excellent song choice. Randy thought it was dope. Ellen said it was great, but she expected more, and it was like a hospital gown, and almost there.I am kinda over her lame analogies. Kara said something about growth. Simon says his personality is boring. I like the way he says "frust straight ting." Simon basically tells him to sack up and own the moment next week. How am i JUST noticing that he is in a gray fitted leather jacket?

Paige - This chick is so boring. They talk about a part she had in a Christmas play at church, and then show this weird goth show. What kind of church is that?!?! She is singing "Honkey Tonk Woman." I hate is when girls sing songs that are obviously written for guys to sing, and change the genders and think it still makes sense. And she is the furthest thing from a Honkey Tonk woman I have seen on this stage. Her hair looks nice. Randy thought it was going to be a mess, but it was alright. Ellen points out that she was struggling with her voice... so now there is the sympathy vote. Kara said "young Paige is back." Simon said "what the hell is wrong?" and she says laryngitis. So, with that in mind, it was great. Meh.

Aaron Kelly - I heard his name and said "who?!" Then remembered that it was this lame young kid. His mom cries. "Angie." Hahaha. That is all I can say. Might be better when he goes through puberty. It's kinda Peter Brady... there is also a weird Richard Marx quality to his voice... it's unsettling. ENOUGH WITH THE HANDS, AUDIENCE! Randy really likes the tender moments. Someone call CPS. Ellen points out that his hair is totally lesbian. Kara said it was powerful. Really? Simon said he chose the right song, and sang it within his limits.

Crystal Bowersox- Surprise! Her dad is a hippie! Apparently she also wrote a song about him, and it made him cry. "You Can't Always Get What You Want." I think she is trying to grow out her dreadlocks. Kinda more bluegrassy, and it's alright. Totally what I thought it would be, which isn't a bad thing. YO. Randy says it wasn't his favorite, but he still loves her. Ellen wants her to let her personality go... and Kara agrees. Simon asks her what she meant by over thinking... and Simon says he could feel that. And that tonight she was beaten by Siobhan. She is wearing a feather thing in her hair for Lilly. Who was voted off last week. She isn't dead or anything.

Andrew, Katie, Tim, Lee and Paige are gone within the next few weeks.

I may or may not drunk blog tomorrow... I guess you will have to wait and see.

Idol Recap- Cutting to the Top 12

2010-03-11T19:02:00.002-07:00

I am moderately excited to find out who the top 12 are tonight. Basically, because I don't have a lot going on right now.

These group sings are so painful. They go against everything the judges ask for, and are totally karaoke. But, America, you bastards buy concert tickets to see these songs performed live. So you are only encouraging this. You should be ashamed.

There are some TERRIBLE outfits going on right now. The choreography is so 5th grade talent show. I can't believe someone gets paid for this. The dancing was better when they had that blind guy that they had to assign someone to so he didn't fall off the stage. Is her performing tonight, btw? I thought I may have heard that. But, to be honest, I forget most of their names this far after their original season.

So- the rest of the show I watched whilst gossiping on the phone. Lots of crying- not from me- from the losers that got booted off, and the ones that were left behind. It'll be ok, it's just reality tv. Was the witch dating mullet boy? It seemed realllllly weird that she was crying so hard.

The curly haired blonde chick and Gandolf the Grey got booted. I am a little surprised by Gandolf, to be honest- but oh well.

Mullet guy and Todrick the jerk got booted. I would not be able to watch if that twizzlestick was still around. And mullet kid---- that is what did you in. Your performance was way better that the 16YO, but your hair is stupid. America cares about that, and mullets are only used for joking, and creepy Minnesota Vikings. Was the witch dating mullet boy? It seemed realllllly weird that she was crying so hard.

I totally missed the performance from past Idol contestants... was it any good?

Smell ya later.

Idol Recap- Guys Do It All The Time

2010-03-10T19:40:00.003-07:00

Sorry I didn't blog last night, I was taking a breather after learning I was no longer employed. No need for a pity party- things will be fine. :) Fortunately, I have plenty of wonderful friends and family that are offering help and support.

My thoughts on last night--- meh. I enjoyed the shorter show, but it really seemed to be lacking in excitement. We may have the most boring top 12 in history this year. Instead of the cream of the crop, I feel like we might be getting the shiniest turds. It reminds me of the Year of Sanjaya. Looking at tonight, with the less dynamic batch of dudes, I am less than excited. Just glad that self righteous asshole got eliminated last week. :)

Haven't we had enough of this "ladies cuddling up to Simon" bit.

Lee Dewyze, "10,000 Fireflies"- the "Everyman" is making this song his own, alright. And it is no bueno. Randy said it was pitchy, but he made it work. Ellen likes that it is rock. Kara said that he made it a better song, blah blah blah. Simon says there is nothing to rave about. Thank goodness one of the judges is on it.

Alex Lambert- "Trouble"- I swear someone told him to sing this... and it is a good idea. It looks like he has gained some confidence- now he has to ditch the mullet... I am watching this with my tough Marine sister, who is concerned with his mullet as well. Randy didn't like it, because he is negative nancy this year, and I don't remember what the rest said. Ellen mentioned the banana again.

Tim Urban- "Hallelujah"- Sister says "he better not ruin this song." It is ok. I have never really liked this song personally, but I didn't feel one way or another about it. Randy hated it. Ellen had to get up and hug him. And it was really weird. Kara loved it, because she was really feeling it. Simon loved it. Tim talks about how he is grateful for all the judge's constructive criticism.

Andrew Garcia- "Genie in a Bottle"- Ha, love this. Sister is laughing. Said "Jack Osbourne called, he wants his look back. " Good call sister. I like this dude's voice. Randy said it didn't quite work for him, it was pitchy, had no range, blah blah blah. Ellen liked it, but thinks the "genie came out of the bottle a little too late." Kara talked about him peaking too early. Wonder if that is a regular problem. (wink wink) Simon thought it was "desperate," and "over-thought." Which it was. Because the judges have basically been talking about how he should be going back to what they loved.

Casey James- " You'll Think of Me" - I dig this dude's voice. I am sure the judges are going to say they didn't feel enough emotion. Randy said it was safe. Ellen loved it. Kara says it is better than last week, but it is missing that spark. Simon is meh. Said it was sincere but no something they will be remembering.

Aaron Kelly- "I'm Already There"- Of course. Ugh. Terrible. very shaky. And can we have a moment about believability? What life experience does this 16 YO have regarding being away from his kid? And it is rough. And Pitchy. Yes, with a capital P. Randy is an idiot. Ellen said it was a little too much song for him. Excellent. Kara brings up the fact that it is not relevant to his life. Simon says that is rubbish. Wow. Simon says it is the right type of song, but not a great vocal. And points out that they can't keep putting people down different paths, because they are all getting confused.

Todrick Hall- "Somebody to Love"- Of COURSE he is singing/ruining a Queen song. This guy makes me mental. OF COURSE Randy likes it. Ugh, todirck's mom is waring a shirt with his name on it. Lame. Ellen thought it was kinda gospel, in a good way. Kara said it was good singing, but it was SO DRAMATIC. Simon said it was good in parts, and tonight he has learned that it is helping him to learn about him as an artist.

Michael Lynche- "This Woman's Work"- To be honest, I missed most of the performance, but it sounded good. Randy is shitting his pants. Ellen is geeking out, and calls him the one to beat. Kara cried, and it was so PUT ON. And my sister is dying of laughter. Simon hugs Kara, and says it was so needed tonight, because he 100% nailed it. Best performance of all the live shows.

Smell ya later.

Idol Recap- Where My Girls At

2010-03-03T19:01:00.003-07:00

Tonight, we get the ladies, because the Dirty Hippie Crystal is apparently back from the brink of death. Then the judges are stupid, and Kara has dumb hair.

The Dirty Hippie is up first, and she has a brother that is a "square." She references Simons comment last week about how he could hear that performance from 1,000s of people on a Subway platform, and he wouldn't stop, saying that people have in fact stopped to listen to her on a subway. Apparently we are doing a gospel show tonight. Some "see the light" performance. She has a nice voice- but that shit doesn't sell. Remember Ruben Studdard? Ellen talks about how she needs to stay healthy, because they NEED her on the show. Are we going to talk about what was wrong? because, seriously, she looks and sounds fine. Simon says he is glad that she didn't play the sympathy card (bc everyone else did for her), and says that he totally underestimated her. Then compares her with Kelly Clarkson. Cmon now.

Haeley Vaughn-"The Climb"Gums is now talking with Ryan about her EPIC fail last week with the Beatles song. This week, she will sing Miley Cyrus, because she is more her genre. Apparently she makes headbands. For the record, I actually like Miley Cyrus. Party in the USA is my JAM! This song, I hate. And this girl starts it nicely in the beginning... but then the chorus is a mess. Then the reprise... then... oh bollocks. A mess. YO Wow- Randy calls it excruciating. This is the only time that we will agree. Who is the hot dude sitting with her Grandma. He is labeled "friend." She is too young to have that hot of an older friend. Kara says that she needs to develop her talent more. Simon says in theory, it works but it was a "mess." The Leprechaun gets sassy with Simon, and protective of the little girl.

Lacey Brown-"Kiss Me"The red headed pixie that I swear just appeared out of nowhere apparently likes to paint. She BUTCHERED Landslide last week, and finally owns up to it. She is doing "Kiss Me" this week, pretending that she already had it planned, and it had nothing to do with Kara's suggestion. I am not sure i totally like her, and I think it might be because I am afraid she is a witch. There was one of them last season like that. Randy calls it karaoke. Ellen thinks it is adorable. And then I tuned out because I didn't care anymore. Sorry (to be said in Simon's unapologetic tone).

Katie Stevens-"Put Your Records On" Her being on TV makes it snow in Connecticut. She is supposed to be younger today, because we like our 17 year olds to be 17 YOs. She knows how to say "give me a kiss" in 7 languages. While we are thinking she is a skeezer, she assures us that she doesn't walk up to strangers and try to kiss them. This all seems very contrived. For the "record," (pun intended) this is not a "younger"song. She still has an incredible voice. The judges are frustrated with her because she isn't getting it and she has too much talent to be average. Kara makes a valid point that some songs sound great on to the radio, but lack performance spark. Simon tells her that she needs to show them what kind of performer she needs to be.

Didi Benami - "Lean On Me" She was the mascot in high school, and meows to warm up for performances. When she talks, she reminds me of Tenley from the Bachelor. I actually like her LESS with these video packages. I really like this version. People have really cheesed this out, and somehow hers is a little more genuine. Randy hates it. We disagree. Ellen loves her. She says that maybe a different Bill Withers would be good. Randy yes groans. Kara said it "wasn't good." Time the eff out. YOU PEOPLE SELECTED THESE TOP 24. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB. Maybe I have just listened to so much crap on this show, that I think this is good? How can I be this far off from the judges? As you see, I don't hold back when I hate something. She is so upset that she can't even talk. This is crap. EDIT- the clip they showed in the recap was annoying.

Michelle Delamor- "With Arms Wide Arm" She works with kids in church choir. Which is probably why she is singing this Creed song. Ew. I still hate this song, even without that douche Scott Stapp singing it. Because I HATE this.. especially her WEIRD head shaking at the end, I am sure the judges will love it. Because apparently we exist in different universes tonight. YO. He says her outfit is hot. But he hated it. Ellen loves the outfit too. When I think fashion- I think those two. Hip, happening and with it, for sure. Balls. Kara loves it because "it felt believable." Simon says he kind of agrees. The first half, yes- second half, gross. He said she got 80% of it right. Apparently Vera Wang is in the house. When is this over?

Lilly Scott- Gandolf the Grey performed, but I was on the phone. I am babysitting for my 3 and 6 year old cousins this weekend while their parents party it up Vegas style, so I got to get a little pep talk. I will blog about it, don't worry. I am sure it will be fun for you all to laugh at me being a mom for the weekend. They are really good kids, so I don't worry about them, I just worry that I will be able to keep up! Seemed like the judges liked her.

Katelyn Epperly -"The Scientist" She will be singing a very intimate song tonight, apparently. Why is she so 80's? She is singing some Coldplay. I don't really dig Coldplay. Send me hate mail if you want, but while your at it- yell at me for thinking U2 is overrated. Yes. I went there. Oh, this is a Coldplay song I actually kinda like. Minus a few rough spots, I like her version too. Props for her playing the piano. We had another curly haired blonde that played piano. I liked her better than this chick. Randy really liked it, until the last few notes. Ellen said she fell asleep. She loves the song, but it is too slow. "People can't vote if they're asleep." Kara says "I kind of love you." But she needs to figure out who she is because she is all over the place. Simon says it is a smart choice of song, and nearly identical to a Natasha Beddingfield version (that she says she is unaware of). She needs to worry about being too corny.

It is 833, and we have 2 more performers? How LONG is this show? Cut all the fluffy crap- keep it to an hour and a half, and let me live my life. Those of us that are too stubborn to DVR (long story, I'll tell you when you're older) can't make this big of a commitment.

Paige Miles -"Walk Away" This chick is boring. She likes to color, because it makes her relax. Yeah, me too. But when someone asks "what something interesting that people that people don't know about you?" that is not where I go. Because that is lame and nerdy. She is singing one of my least favorite songs from that Kelly Clarkson album. And she sounds like she is chocking a cat at the end. So forced and stupid. Yo YO YO Paige. She chose the song because Kara wrote it. Randy didn't like it because it is too many words. And he rambles about lameness that makes no sense... and da da da da das. Ellen loved it. Kara points out that the song isn't smiley- it is angry. Because she is telling the guy to go fuck himself. This girl is clueless. She colors and plays with barbie dolls. There is no base for comparison. "It's forgettable. Sorry."

Siobhan Magnus- "Freedom"Another girl that I really just can't stand. And I wasn't really watching the first part, because I was reading about what the author of Shutter Island thought about the minor change in the ending. Which, if you have read the book is a lot more hypothetical than a "declarative statement." Apparently watching the film without seeing the book made it much more subjective.... but I digress. Wow. I thought about paying attention again, and then this bitch came up and starting singing Freedom, so now I am purposely ignoring the television. Back to Shutter Island. I liked the book a lot. And the movie did a really good job with the storyline, but was missing a little background that made it less cheesy of a progression to the ending. Back to the weirdo- Randy loved it. And Simon says what everyone in America is thinking "you are such a weird person." She is pretty safe, considering the crapfest that ensued tonight.

It is a free for all on all which of these ass clowns go home. I'm too jaded to give an opinion. What do you think?

Idol Recap- The Boys are Back

2010-03-02T19:06:00.005-07:00

I missed the first 4 minutes, and let's be honest- I'm sure I didn't miss much. Started just in time for the guts of the program. Tonight, the boys are back, and singing "billboard hits." Seems simple enough, right? Only 9 million songs to chose from. When they make the categories this broad, they are really just testing the intelligence of the contestant. Pick something too recent, and it's sing-a-long. Pick something too old, and it's dated, or karaoke. Let's see who messes up tonight.

Ryan informs us that tonight, we will try to get to know the contestants a little better. Great. Sappy montages. This is why frequently, we don't end up with the most talented artist, but the one with a great story. For the record, I don't care about the stories, so I won't get into them.

Michael Lynch- "Man's World." Surprise! He played football in High School. He addresses the comments from the judges, and specifically Simon's comment that he was the supporting act. He, of course, says he wants to be the MAIN EVENT in tonight's performance. Good goal, buddy. His performance is ok. Lots of "runs" and what have you. Randy, after three "yo's" gives him a standing o. New thing- tonight, I am drinking for every "yo." I apologize in advance for any incoherent rambling(well, more than usual) at the end of this post because of it. Ellen blah blah blah. Kara says she doesn't get it, until NOW. Really? Then why did you geek out for him and send him to the top 24? Simon loves it, and says it didn't seem dated. Apparently his wife is coming out Friday, if he is still in the competition... hint, hint, America.

John Park- "Gravity" Ryan asks him what his band thinks about this whole Idol thing. Apparently they want him to win. Uh, Ryan... ever heard of this band called "Daughtry?" Fun fact: his first language was Korean. Learned English in 4th grade. He knows his song choice was lame last week, so he is trying to pick a song more up his alley this week. Wow. Not in a good way. Lifeless. And scared. And flat. and whiny. And please send him home. This may be the only version of any song called "Gravity" that I haven't liked. 2 "yos." Randy- not as good as the original. Ellen-better song choice, needed more soul. Kara says better than last week. And they all say no connection. Simon says it was a "so what" performance. How does this guy front a band? Note- tomorrow, I might drink for each of Simon's insincere "sorry." Now it's a judge free for all, they all repeat the same thing, and you can hear the wrap up music playing in the back.

Casey James- "I Don't Wanna Be" Kind of a porn star name. He hasn't ever watched Idol. He found out the song that he's doing has been done by a plethora of losers. He hasn't had a tv most of his life. These people make no sense to me. There is a weird kind of thing where he is hiding something in a box, and it's odd. The only reason I mention it is because Ryan says "What's in the box??" Points Ryan, points. I might like Casey's version of this better than the original. He is back-lit with purple. Weird. He does, in fact "rip it up" on the guitar. Randy reminds everyone that he can play guitar. Remember, with Journey? It was HOT. Ellen thinks you can't go wrong with the song. She wants more performance, because he is too stiff. Kara references her cougarness, and then says he took two steps back, like MC Skat Kat. Simon says you can see this in any bar across America, a guy trying to play rockstar.

You're welcome.

Alex Lambert- "Everybody Knows" Mullet guy pukes before big performances. Just like Douglas Dorsey. Anyone, anyone?(first person to mention the reference below gets a gold star) Apparently this nerd made up a language in 6th grade to help him with song writing. His awkwardness is apparent, and this week, he is trying to appear more comfortable on stage. I have never heard this John Legend song, but I really like this. A lot. As in, if I actually downloaded songs from this program, I might consider copying a version that someone downloaded of this one. Randy loves the confidence, and the guitar (did you know he played?) and it was WAY LEGIT. Ellen says it is like someone put the unripe banana in a paper bag. Which is a compliment. Kara says he has an incredible recording voice. Simon said it was a million times better. He also gave this jem "the only reason you should be nervous is if you are useless. Simon says he needs to start playing to win, and he doesn't want to hear anymore about the nervous nonsense. Well-n the only person that I know that would download this song on my behalf just text messaged me and said "I'm not rooting for this kid." Not a fan of the mullet, apparently.

Todrick Hall"What's Love Got to Do With It?" This is the dancer guy that cheats families and children out of hard earned money. He can DIAF as far as I am concerned. Can't stand him. Annoying performance. The end. One YO. That's all I have to say about that.

Instead of this nonsense, I am going to bitch about the fact that girls night and guys night were switched because the dirty hippie is really sick. Since when do we rearrange schedules for finalists? What the hell? Who is she that she deserves an entire night moved around??Maybe if she showered regularly, she would be less prone to illness.

The guy henceforth referred to as "THIS FUCKING GUY"- "What's Going On?" I can't believe this guy is still here. What a douche bag. He tries AGAIN in his video package to pretend like he thinks the judges are there to help. Maybe drop the attitude with them then. Of COURSE he is singing Marvin Gaye. And messing it up royally. Why is he smiling and playing coy to the camera? Does he KNOW what this song is ABOUT???

"Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today"

None of that says bedroom eyes and shoulder shrugs. It's not THAT kind of "what's going on." Kara says exactly that. "We don't need every trick in every performance, we need one good trick." Simon says he makes the song lose its importance. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says "can i ask a question?--- what should I do next week? ya'll can pick." Simon says that he might not be here next week. Then THIS FUCKING GUY says, "I know God." Assholes like this PISS ME OFF. With your lack of talent, and disrespectful attitude, God is going to move Heaven and Earth to get you on Idol next week. Get the fuck over yourself. I think God might have some bigger action items right now.

Andrew Garcia -Apparently this guy is a break dancer? I really liked his performance last week, and the judges hated it. I missed the name of the song. And I don't know it. In case you were wondering, I don't really listen to top 40. Basically because most of it is crap. Oh, wait, I know this song. It's less annoying when he does it. Randy calls it "pitchy all over the place." And misses the guitar. Attention guys: Randy likes it when you use the guitar. Ellen liked it. Kara says they need another big surprise. Simon says that the fact that he hasn't picked the right song yet is a huge indicator that something is missing. He is disappointed.

Side note- as I am typing, I get a message that Kimberley Locke is now following me on twitter. Hey Kimberley, if you can hook me up to regularly blog about Idol, I would be more than willing. That is my America Dream. Well, blogging about tv for money in general. Shit, I'll blog about gardening if someone would pay me to work in my pjs.

Aaron Kelly- "My Girl" He likes photography. Just like every other 16 year old with a Myspace page. Hey kid, usually, it is a bad idea to pick a song that is frequently used for group day. And when you hold out every single off key note, it is really painful. If my roommate hadn't just taken the dog for a walk, he would be sitting by the tv howling. This is why 16 YO girls are more successful than 16 YO boys. Because the girls have gone through puberty. I think Randy had 4 yos. I am just gonna say that, because I'm thirsty. Ellen and Kara love it. Ugh. Simon brings up Justin Bieber (I looked it up to avoid being yelled at) and says some stuff that I tuned out.

Tim Urban (A song i don't know the name to) This is the kid that came back because another dude had an existing contract. And he stunk up the stage, and was saved because he has Zac Efron hair. Ryan doesn't tell me what the name of the song is, so I can't give it to you. I kinda recognize it. YO. Randy asks "how was that for you?" That normally means he "didn't get it." Ellen tells him to act. She then says if he were on Glee, and acted and then busted out singing, the girls would love him. THAT COMMENT PISSED ME OFF. The GLEE kids are INCREDIBLY talented. Do not even pretend like this kid is in the same realm as Lea Michele. (breathe, breathe, breathe) In case you didn't know, I am a huge GLEEk. Simon says that he thought it was a huge improvement, and this kid needs to now change his panties, because he just shit his pants. He should sell toothpaste. White teeth.

Lee Dewyze- "Lips of an Angel" He was a troubled youth, made bad decisions, and went to an alternative school. He's the "everyman" for this year. This guy has the perfect voice for this song, which is a piece of shit song. I really hate songs that are about cheating in an unapologetic fashion. Really, I hate them in an "apologetic" fashion as well. Hear that Jason Derulo? Saying that you "were caught up in someones lust- but when you become a star we'll be living so large you'll do anything for [me]" is shitty. And THAT is why I don't listen to top 40. The judges overall say they like him, but he needs to grow some balls and own a performance.

Wow, what a fantastic collection of crap. I hate these awkward dancing packages. My only hope is that tomorrow is as blogworthy as tonight.

Idol Recap- First Vote Off

2010-02-25T19:10:00.003-07:00

I didn't blog during the cheesy opening montage and lame group sing, because it was more important for me to eat my beef fajita nachos. Yes, they were delicious. These group sings are so unbelievably painful to watch, and so totally karaoke that I have no idea how Simon hasn't gotten the removed.

Off with their heads starts with the ladies:
Back row-
the witch, Siobhan is safe
gums, Hayley safe
the chick I don't remember, Michelle- safe
big haired blonde, Katelyn safe

One of these two goes home:
old little girl, Katie
the girl that messed up Heart, Janelle

Randy is asked who deserves to go... and he is lame and doesn't answer. Grow some balls, dude.
7:15 :Janelle goes home. Because she sucks. And she is only an average looking blonde with a minimal personality. And then she gets another chance to make our ears bleed. Why do we let the early rejects sing? Shouldn't it be only the top 8 sing at departure? There is a reason we got rid of them. Thanks for reminding us that we did not like her.

And now, a performance from last years pink haired 17 YO power voice. Her hair is still pink, but noticeably longer. When she finishes, she asks Ryan if it was time to have another awkward conversation. Haha. Love her.

Front row ladies, time to rock:
Paige "too boring to have a nickname" is safe
Creepy pixie girl, Lacey is miraculously safe
Grey haired girl, Lilly is safe
dirty hippie Crystal, safe

Ashely and Didi are bottom two- Ellen gets asked what advice she has for the loser. "It is just a new begininning somewhere else. " Ha. Didi is safe, and there is justice in the world. Camera pans to fake sad looks from the girls. This chick acts like she has been on this show for months, and dedicates her crappy performance to her family. If I were her family, I would tell her thanks for the crappy consolation gift, I wanted a new car. And no, you cant sleep on my couch while you look for another job.

7:36 We are back from commercial and there is some weird video with the 70's kid in a bathrobe during dress rehearsal. Weird.

Big Mike is safe. Duh.
Shania Twain's lover, safe
The original 16 YO is safe
the dancer is safe, but Ryan lets him sweat it out. Watch your back, dude.

The last minute addition and the American Dream are in the bottom two. Kara is asked if America is right, and beats around the bush. Ryan is direct and asks again and she says no. The next question Ryan should have asked was who SHOULD have been there then, but he is too lame to ask that. Create some tension, dude! The last minute addition is safe and is so surprised, he makes a face like there is a ferret crawling in his pants. This guy kinda cries when he finishes his song, and he proves he is too fragile a soul for this machine.

Idol Gives Back. Call me an asshole, but I tune out for each one of these. They sent Kris Allen to Haiti. He is a genuine guy, so I don't mind him coming on here and talking about giving back, because I think he really does mean it. I can't see some of these assholes help an old lady walk across the street, so the idea that they would help somewhere like Haiti is ridiculous. Kris sings "Let It Be." I must be honest. As much as I tried to fight it, I fell victim to his charms last season and developed a little crush. I swooned. Haven't bought an album though.

Crap, we're back
Surfer dude is safe. Duh
The asshole, Jermaine is safe. America, you are stupid.
The average guy, Lee is safe
The artsy one, Andrew is safe

Cougar bait (Tyler) and the mullet kid (Alex) are in the bottom two. Simon is asked who he thinks it is based on the vocals and he says "Tyler, it's over." And he is right. Tyler says that he didn't get any constructive criticism during Hollywood week, and what he heard came too late. Way to pass the blame, asshole.

The "say goodbye" montage is all 4 losers together. Thank you Idol, for knowing that we don't really have an emotional attachment to these guys yet, so a one minute overview with all of them is more than enough.

Girls on Tuesday and guys on Wednesday, and Ryan says "it's gonna get dramatic." We get the end credits while Tyler croons. I like that the dudes don't do the fake hugs and pouts. Until next week (Idol wise) -Smell ya later, bitches.

Idol Recap- It's Raining Men

2010-02-24T18:57:00.004-07:00

Tonight I will be blogging from the boyf's house. Let's find out if surround sound is really the best way to listen. I'm nervous.

The dudes this season look pretty weak. Literally. As in, I am afraid they can't hold the microphone due to the enormous weight. Except for that one guy, who could hold them all in pyramid form without breaking a sweat. Oops. Boyf just heard it was TWO HOURS tonight. Apparently he is choosing to get drunk. We all have our coping mechanisms.

Simon is choosing not to rock the tight shirt, but his button up shirt is opened low enough to see his chest hair. Grrrr. Now we hear Ellen talk about the differences between listening live and at home. She has verified the "what are the judges thinking!?!?"question that is frequently asked, as apparently the flaws are covered in a studio performance.

Todrick Hall- - "Since You've Been Gone"- I liked this guy when he wrote his original song for the audition. But then he got really annoying. In case you don't pay attention to the interwebs, he is apparently a shady play producer. This "jazzy" version of Kelly Clarkson is very boy band. Late 90's boy band. BUT he is "making it his own." And it backfires... because he "completely shredded the song," according to Randy. Simon said what he did "was verging on stupid. " Note to the finalists- don't destroy a song that was produced by the Idol Machine. It will not be taken well. Simon is right, he is a dancer trying to be a singer.

Aaron Kelly "some song I have never heard of" I do not remember this kid. Did we meet him? On the plus side, at least Proactiv has a new Idol spokesperson. Speaking of which, I am looking forward to the "gentler" formula that hopefully doesn't bleach out my towels. SEE, I'm not just an asshole, I'm also a client. :P Hmm. Maybe he used it between Hollywood week and here. I blame the fact that we have to listen to this 16 YO entirely on Justin Beiber. Apparently I am becoming too old for this show. The 13 YO that call for hours on end will like him. The judges start this "believe in yourself" non-sense. Oh, apparently the song was by Rascal Flats.

Jermaine Sellers "Get Here" This guy likes to wear weird hats. I remember this song. And I don't think the chick that originally sang it sang it as high as he is now. EWWWW. He just threw in the word "shorty." Is that really how we modernize something? If we start Autotuning the classics, I officially quit. Judges hated it. This is where the contestants get really confused. Because the judges tell them to "make it their own." Then, they get told they went too far. Delicate balance. But guess what? You are always going to have a boss that changes their mind on what they want. It's called "being a grown up." Now he is speaking gibberish, and showing that he is an asshole. Somebody get the hook.. get him off the stage. "I got made out to look like a diva." YOU ARE A DIVA, ASSHOLE. Throw the band leader under the bus, and then FORGET HIS NAME?!?!

Tim Urban "Apologize." Time out for the obligatory Coke promo. Apparently this kid got the call from the producers that he would be returning. Who did we get rid of? Was there a criminal in the mix? After a brief google search, the dude he was replaced was disqualified by having a previous contract. Apparently this dude missed the memo that previous winner Kris Allen rocked this song last year. This kid did not. Ouch. To be honest, I tuned it out in my google search to find out how he got here. Simon says that they made the right choice in the beginning, and he shouldn't be here. The judges say it is an utter fail, and maybe he will get a sympathy vote, or an "adorable vote" as Ellen put it. He gives a lame excuse to why he sucked- some last minute change... As my dad frequently says "Fools give you reason, wise men never try." Yes, that is from a musical. Yes, my dad is straight.

Has it really only been 46 minutes?

Joe Munoz "You and I Both" He is this year's "living the American Dream" candidate. This song is "if Enrique Igelsias sang Jason Mraz." Not because he is Latino- don't throw hate mail my way. It is because he has same cadence and phrasing. And pronunciation. I am a big Mraz fan, so I have a little issue with it. JMraz makes me smile and feel really warm. That element was gone from this song. Mixed reviews from the judges. I don't hate him. He will probably skate through.

Tyler Grady"American Woman"- This kid was really shiny at auditions, I am glad he found some blotting strips. Yes, I used to work in cosmetics. He has a cute way about him that makes me think Cougars will eat him alive. With this song choice, he plays right into it. "Mommy can't right now sweetie, she's watching Idol." Simon says it is all a bit cliche. Each judge said the same exact thing; please tell me why it took 4 minutes to say it. Just take your fingers, put them in the air, and make quotation marks. That signifies "ditto." As in, "me too, " "I agree, " "what HE said."

Lee Dewyze "Chasing Cars" He fills the "just a regular guy" role. Last year,, this went to the oil rigger that looked like a Joss Whedon Vampire. He keeps picking these songs that were popular just a few years ago. You are on the downswing of the popularity of that song, my friend. He sucked. Off key. Go back to the paint store, dude. Randy tries to get him on the more modern path with Kings of Leon. Every once in a while, Randy gets it right. And Simon is on drugs, and says it is the best performance of the night. For the record- I got bored again, and googled the other guy. Michael Sarver. This guy is right on track for that... getting the votes because people like your "regular guy persona." You get to the final 6, and then get bumped out because you have the least amount of talent. On the plus side, you get a bunch of chicks that will sleep with you for the next few years. Better than selling paint to bored housewives.

John Park- "God Bless the Child" This is the guy that Shania Twain geeked out over. He starts out like he has never heard himself on a microphone before. And looks terrified. He finally starts to warm up a little bit in the second verse. His chances aren't that great. Is it just me, or do Asian dudes not make it very far in Idol? William Hung aside, of course. Is he to blame? Ellen proves she is the new Paula and tries to coddle him. He pulls the emotional pull, and talks about what the song means to him personally. Flip a coin.

Michael Lynche- "This Love"- I think the boyf sums it up. "Oh, THIS fucking guy." I hope that you can explain to your little girl that you watched her delivery on a cell phone in a hotel ballroom because you wanted to live the dream. This guy makes my brain jumbled. He sings John Mayer, and now he sings Maroon 5. You just don't expect these songs from a 6'4, 320lb dude. I am sure John Mayer and Adam Levine TOGETHER don't weigh as much as this dude. But he ROCKS it. He has the "teddy bear" appeal and a winning smile. Kara basically says he is the shiny turd in a crap group. Simon says he didn't bring enough. Note to Michael: He is challenging you because he sees your potential. It is what Simon does so well, and it is a key factor that will be missing when he is gone. That is why the cast (the smart ones at least) appreciate his feedback the most. Because he isn't gonna jerk your chain to get the crowd to cheer. He is gonna keep it real, and challenge you to do your best. It is what good leaders do. Wow. Got serious there for a minute.

Alex Lambert "Wonderful World" This guy survived that bossy bitch during group day. I like him for that reason. Last time I checked, that girl didn't make it on the show. Hmm. Does he have a mullet? I like the tone in his voice. One of those that is better when you don't look at him. Simon calls it the "most uncomfortable performance of the night." He has a good voice, but the nerves need to get in check. Ellen compares him to a banana, because he is just not ripe enough yet. But when he does, she is ready to eat him. Weird. He has only performed live 3 times. He is precious, and those ovaries out there are going to sympathy vote him on.

Casey James- "Heaven" Surfer dude that kara has a crush on. Rough start. The original Bryan Adams song, not the lame pop version that debuted when I was in college. Why mess with a Canadian classic? He's cute. There is a kind of Bob Seger quality to his voice that I dig. I'm not yet swooning, but he is a good future candidate for that.There is a weird kind of interaction with the "Kara has a crush on him thing." Kara says he is kinda pitchy. But he can play and sing and has a heart and soul. Simon says it was a great song choice, and his best performance yet. He is so obviously top 12, let's just put him there.

Andrew Garcia-"Sugar We're Going Down" -Not sure how I feel about him. Acoustic version. I dig this. I am sure this is the first time people are actually understanding the lyrics to this song. Cock it and pull iiiiiIIIIIiiit. Love this. Simon was disappointed because it was too serious and indulgent. Apparently I am listening to a different version. I really liked it. Hmmm. Ellen translates Simon's "self indulgent" comment, and tells him that the moment he looked over at his girlfriend an lit up was the best part of the song, because he remembered that it wasn't just him in the room.

Do not ever place the 16 YO next to the giant dude again in the closing shot. I am afraid he will eat him. The size differential is not good.

Idol Recap- Let's Talk About Chicks, Man

2010-02-23T19:16:00.003-07:00

It's the time of year where I actually get regular readers to my blog! Yay! I have decided to start blogging about Idol earlier in the season than normal. I NEVER blog during the audition process, because I spend most of that time yelling at my tv when Randy says 200 million thousand percent yes. That isn't a real number. Yes is 100%. No is 0%. Maybe could be 45-65%.

If you are new- here is the drill:
- I live blog, and type as I watch. You are getting straight up reactions about the performance.
- I could care less about the sob stories and life dreams. I won't even remember their names on call until there are only 8 left. There will be nicknames and usually not nice ones.
- I swear. That won't change. If that offends you, there are plenty of other recaps to read. :)
- My musical talent is average. I can carry a tune, but by no means am I a vocalist. I just like reality tv, and people read this- so it makes me feel special. ;)

Here we go!!

This is the first year with Ellen, and I have friends that used to IdolBlog, but refuse to now because of her. I agree that Ellen will probably mess things up, but this is my last year as an IdolBlogger, as it is Simon's last year. The show will be useless without him. We open with what is expected to be the first of MANY time consuming Ellen produced joke pieces. This one is about how she can't sit next to Simon because he is feely. Simon fake laughs, but even he wants to get to the meat of the show. We don't actually get to the performances until about 7:12. This is the crap that makes them run over.

Tonight- we hear about the ladies.... here are my BRIEF recaps:

Paige Miles- "All Right Now" She decides not to change the lyrics, so the "hey there is a hot chick over there, maybe she wants to make out" concept stays. She does this annoying tapping the fingers on the mic crap. And that annoying "let me show you I can hit a million different notes within 8 seconds" bit. Meh. Lame. Simon says that it is a terrible song choice, and he is right. The rest of the judges then take sides, for the first of many times, as if the rest of their opinions matter.

Ashley Rodriguez- "Happy" I don't know this song, so I can't compare. Holding the mic a little close- I don't need to hear every breath and spittle. She has a nice voice, but I am bored. The judges all agree. Simon hates it, and tells her she is going backwards. Kara's hair looks stupid. She needs to realize how old she really is, girl.

Janelle Wheeler- "What About Love?"- I love Heart. And this girl was likeable, until she started singing. It pains me when people mess up awesome songs. Flat. Nervous. Forgettable. OUCH. Off key. ROUUUUUUGH at the end. She is about to cry, and she should. It sucked. Judges agree- her voice isn't big enough for that song.

Lilly Scott-"Fixing a Hole"- Ugh, the gray hair is weird. What is the standard spelling for gray? I like it better with the "a." She picks a relatively unknown Beatles song. Probably during their really stoned stage. That is when I lose contact, as I am not a pot smoking hippie. She has one of those "unique" voices. I don't mind it, I am just nervous about what happens during Disco week- if she makes it that far. Wow. Major eye sex with the camera. Ellen loves her, Simon says he doesn't feel the star power, but she is the best so far. Randy says she is a real "indie artist." What was your first clue, dude? She has gray hair and plays a guitar. She isn't exactly the next big thing for Gospel.

Katelin Epperley- "Oh Darling"She has big blonde curly hair, and with that bow in it, she looks like "Like a Virgin Madonna." Someone sings this song each season. She is confident, and I don't really know how I feel about her. Simon does- he likes her, but thinks she is rough around the edges. Kara uses some technical terms like "melodies" and "register." She did that last season, and I liked her better then. She says she hates the makeover. Ellen says what I was thinking- "I couldn't tell if you were trying too hard, but I still like ya." ummmmm Kara just said the b-word. Family show, Kara. We only use sexual innuendo that goes over the kiddies heads, not straight up cursing.

Haely Vaughn -"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" GUMS. The lisp is annoying. She is doing the Hold Your Hand melody from Across the Universe. Well, she was. And then she yells/screeches... and yodels. Make her stop. Ears bleeding. Dogs across the neighborhood are barking. Seriously. Kara pulls a "Paula," and says "technically it sucked, but you lit up the stage, you really had fun up there." I don't care if she is having fun- it was awful. Randy says the notes are "not quite as pleasing as they could be." I guess that is a nicer way to put it. Ellen blah blah blah. Simon- "wind up doll that never stopped smiling." :) "A complete utter mess." Love him.

Lacey Brown- "Landslide" I don't even remember her. Her southern belle voice doesn't mix with her electric red pixie cut. Nasally, sharp. It is like she has never heard herself sing with a mic. The arrangement sucks. The Idol guys in the audience are kind of looking at each other uncomfortably. Randy- "terrible and PITCHY." In case you are new to Idol, that is one of his buzz words. Ellen says she is better than that. Simon said it was indulgent and was waiting for it to end. She can leave. I wouldn't remember her if she showed up on a future season of Celeb Rehab. Now she is getting sassy about the criticism. Kiss of Death. Smell ya later, bitch. You can't get sassy with the judges until you have successfully made it through 4 weeks not being in the bottom 3.

Michelle Delamor- "Falling" I have no idea who this chick is. They try to give her some extra screen time by asking her some random crap. How many times do we have to hear this song on this show? Wow. Arms spread. Lights up. Hot the drums. Las Vegas show style. Willing to bet that Simon calls it "Cruise Ship." Ellen loves it. Simon says it sounds close- but not as good as the original. Says she needs to be different, but she has done enough to move on. Kara does the head bobbing thing that she does when she talks to the "soul sisters. "She goes from sass to straight laced faster that Tyra Banks.

Didi Benami-"The Way I Am"- This is the perfect song for her. I love Ingrid Michaelson. She is even able to make it a little different. But Simon thinks it is indulgent- and too many girls are trying to be the same kind of different. Kara is actually familiar with the song, and tells them that she is making changes. I don't like her name.

Siobhan Magnus-"Wicked Game" She never should have gotten into the top 24.She looked like she was terrified/in pain at her last performance. Wow. She is singing like a dude. Her stage presence is better. And she has definitely been made over. I am starting to like her. A lot, actually. Kara brings up that it is nasally. And Randy liked the second verse better. Simon calls her a "funny little thing." Simon wants to know why she picked it--- she wanted them to see her softer side. She finds the song haunting. Simon looks like he is afraid she would kill him. Randy proves he is dumb by totally not getting a "she can blow" joke. Because she is a glass blower. Get it?

Crystal Bowersocks- "Hand in My Pocket" Dirty hippie. Dreadlocks gross me out. What is IN there? This is a way more likeable version than what Alanis originally did. I always skipped this song on the album, because I don't like yodeling. Except when Jewel does it. I dig that this chick plays the harmonica. Randy thinks she's honest and she's gonna "do her thing." Simon says yeah-" we like you, we like your baby, but there are a million of you standing outside a Subway." :)

Katie Stevens- "Feeling Good" We get to hear this for the 8,392 time on this show. I used to like her. Way too much voice for a 17 year old. It's trippy. She is doing this bouncy bop thing I don't really care for. That "I don't want to dance, but I have to do SOMETHING thing." Ellen thinks it is too old for her. And then repeats it a million times. And Simon agrees. And said it started to become annoying for that reason. "very pageanty." Randy tries to get technical. She handles that criticism like a pro, and says she can definitely make the changes, and she agrees with what the judges say. Nicely coached.

So- vote if you want. I don't. We've got the dudes tomorrow. I hate these dancing montages. They look stupid. Until tomorrow.

So Your Girl Is Taking You to See Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T22:31:00.005-07:00

With my frequent tweeting about the Green Bay Packers, I increased my male following. Sweet! So, in order to provide them with some more value, I decided to give them some help in the relationship world. Not the mushy stuff. The "be the good boyfriend and make it look easy" way. So this Valentine weekend, if your girl asks you to go see the movie "Valentine's Day," here's what you need to know....

This follows the movie style of super star cast ensemble as seen in "Love Actually" and "He's Just Not That Into You." So, bonus for you- lots of hot chicks.

Here is what you need to know about the chicks:
-within the first ten minutes, you will get brief ass glimpses from Jennifer Garner AND Anne Hathaway. If Anne has never "done it" for ya, take a look at her new GQ photo spread. You might change your mind. Also, spoiler alert: her character is a part-time phone sex girl.
-you get TWO Jessica's... Biel and Alba. But, I have to be honest. Alba has about 11 minutes of screen time, and Biel is too skinny.
- Both Shirley Maclaine and Kathy Bates keep their clothes on.
- Julia Roberts keeps her wide mouth horse laugh to herself.

Here's what you need to know about the plot:
-Many of the characters are inter-connected. Story lines overlap. It's nothing too complicated, but it helps to pay attention.
-Most of it is completely predictable. Especially if you have turned on a TV in the last week, and seen a commercial.
- The first 45 minutes are actually pretty funny, and move pretty quickly.... then... it gets mushy and a little depressing for about 35 minutes. Of course the last half hour wraps everything up in a pretty bow.
- There will be moments when there is an audible "awwwww" from every girl in the theater. Take this opportunity to squeeze your girl's hand. You will get bonus points.
-There is a pretty equal ratio of "guys are cheaters" to "girls suck." Well, at least more balanced than most chick flicks.

Moral of the story: there are way worse chick flicks you could see. At least this one has plenty of funny moments, and isn't ridiculously sappy. It would probably be a better bet that "Dear John." Take the bonus points right now, and buck up and see it.

And no---- I didn't make my boyfriend go. He bitches too much to make it worth dragging him. I don't recommend that route. ;)

For the record- no one paid me to blog about this movie. Just trying to help a brother out.

I'm Bossy

2010-02-11T20:41:00.004-07:00

Anyone that really knows me knows that I am bossy. I don't really have a problem with that. Instead of seeing it as a negative thing, I like to say that I like to take charge, and have things done my way. Which is usually the right way. I am surrounded by bossy women, whether it be family, co-workers, clients, whatever. Most of the time, I don't think of bossy women as anything to blink twice about. Until I am reminded that there are still chauvinistic bastards that can't handle a woman that takes charge.

Today, at an event I was in charge of, I corrected someone, and let them know the way that I wanted it to be done. The way that makes things more efficient. I joked that I wasn't taking any crap today, and while three of the dudes around me laughed and said "you tell us what you want done, and we've got it, " one said, quite sassily, "did you need me to get you some chocolate?"

That pissed me off. I hate the assumption that the reason I am being bossy is because I am PMSing. Not only is it not the case, but if it was... is that REALLY something you say to someone? And the kicker... it came from one of the bitchiest, whiniest, most negative people I get to spend time with.

Every once in awhile, when I get pushed into the "way back time machine," and get to deal with someone still living in 1975, I just have to laugh it off. Bitch about it first. But then laugh it off. Because at the end of the day, he gets to have sex with a frumpy wife. ;)

Tips for Cardinals Fans, From a Fellow Arizonan

2010-01-10T19:21:00.007-07:00

Just got home from the Cardinal Packer Playoff game! WOWZA! First, I would like to say congrats to the Cardinals, it was a good game. You have a great team, but there are a few bones I have to pick with some of your fans. You know, the rude, drunk mean ones.

- Yelling in a stranger's face is rude. Especially if the stranger is carrying a baby, and you are a grown man.

- Some banter is expected when the opposing fan takes seats in a sea of your color, but calling them "ugly," "smelly," "fat," and "bitches" is a little over the top.

- Yelling at someone for cheering when their team scores is ridiculous. Are we supposed to golf clap?

- Chanting "Go Back Home" is a little silly, considering if it weren't for them, you wouldn't have sold out your game. And btw- my "home" is 30 miles from the stadium.

- Flipping off the players and the coaches from the other team when they are rallying their fans is tacky.

- The proper response to a departing fan from a team that took you to overtime is "good game." Not "you suck, go home."

- Overall- learn more about the rules of football- listen to the actual penalty being called-learn the names of the players on your team.

If you keep disrespecting people that travel to your state, boost your tourism and sales and buy tickets to your stadium, they won't come back. So, be nice to them, or learn how to sell out the stadium on your own.

Living in Arizona for over 10 years now, I know that many of these jerks are part of the recent fans that jump on the bandwagon of a winning team. I get crap every day (for just about 2 years) from people that tell me I should support my home team. Well, I have been a Packer fan for 27 years. I've seen Super Bowls, and I have seen seasons under .500. I bleed green and gold. When you have a legacy like the Packers, come talk to me.

Things That Are Rad- Xmas at Target

2009-11-23T19:42:00.005-07:00

I love Christmas. All the movies and music and decorations and love. Last Christmas (I gave you my heart) was a little bit stressful, and the first time in my 27 years when I said "Christmas sucks." It made me really sad. So, this year, I am getting BACK in the spirit!! I will be listening to the Christmas music FIRST thing Friday morning, and probably watching Elf later that day. I love smiling, smiling's my favorite!! Anyhow, I am taking awhile to get to the point of this post....

I went to Target after work today to get odds and ends (why are razor blades SO expensive), and I found THESE:

Yes, those are dish towels that look like SANTA!!! Two of them, for $4.99!!! Head out right now before all the crazies get them on Black Friday.

Speaking of Black Friday, I will be in bed. Asleep. Since most of my shopping is done. Are YOU going out and facing the crowds?

Just the Tip- Invites and RSVPS

2009-11-17T19:39:00.004-07:00

Another new feature... Just the Tip Tuesdays, where I offer honest advice that doesn't beat around the bush. Today's topic- Invites and RSVPs.

It's that time of year where schedules fill up like nobodies business. There are more things to do than there is time in the day- and you can't be everywhere at once. So, I will take this opportunity to give some tips on invites and rsvps for this busy season.

If you are inviting someone:

-Don't be the jerk that says "What are you doing ____ night?" When people are already over booked, it is tough to give an answer. Perhaps they would rather watch the latest episode of Melrose Place(don't judge) than go to some (slightly pyramid schemey) jewelry party. THERE, I SAID IT. Friends often feel obligated to say yes to you, so leading in with the date, instead of the activity just isn't fair. And neither is making them buy stuff so that you get a kick back. ;)

-Give them info that is pertinent. An invite isn't just time and location. In fact, to avoid confusion and stress on your part the day of- be really clear with directions. Just because google maps exists doesn't mean it will get them to your party easy-peasy. Also- dress code/type of gathering/what to bring is always helpful. And, speaking as a girl that was single for a realllly long time... give your single friends a heads up if it will be couple land. It's just awkward.

-Be clear of your expectations. As we have seen on Real Housewives of (insert trendy city here), many a fight has been caused by late guests. So, if you have a specific start time in mind- like a dinner party type thing- let them know. If it is breezy, and people can come and stop in after one of their other 700 obligations that evening- let them know its casual (and mean it).

-Follow up politely. Maybe they saw the invite, and are trying to chose between you and something else. If you are the jerk that says "are you coming or not?!" you end up making their decision pretty easy. People don't always mean to be rude. Sometimes they just forget to do the follow up, or have to check with someone else before they can commit. So, cut them some slack and give a gentle reminder.

If you are RSVPing:

- Respond. That is what the "R" means. The rest means please. Those darn french and all their words. I know we all get busy, and that is why evite has those lovely reminders. It is fine to figure out for sure if you can attend, but if you KNOW you can't- say no early. It is much better to know that you have a smaller crowd early than to be disappointed the day of. Drop your balls and say you can't make it, don't make excuses the day after.

-If you mess up on the RSVP, say you're sorry. I don't check my mail very often, and consequently- I frequently get invites AFTER the suggested RSVP date. So- when it happened for my aunt's wedding- I sent her a facebook message with the title of "I'm an asshole." Pointing out that you messed up is better than letting people think you don't care.

-Show up if you say you're gonna. Someone took the time to coordinate, plan and provide food and fanfare based on the idea that you are coming. It takes time, effort and money. So get there.

-Follow the rules. If the invite says "rsvp with what dish you are bringing," putting "surprise" is not the answer. If it says dinner begins "promptly at seven," get there before that. Or, maybe you don't get invited next time. Unless you're family, and you HAVE to be invited. Just know somebody there is talking about you, and it might not be nice. ;)

Long story short: everybody is busy, so be polite and help each other out by communicating. Now, go have fun responding to all those holiday party invites. Here's hoping you have enough variety to be able to say no to the really lame work thing that you feel obligated to attend.

Things That Are Rad- Peanut Butter Pretzels

2009-11-16T19:56:00.003-07:00

Alright. I have been a terrible blogger. People have yelled at me. Really, I'm not just trying to allude to a fictional fan base to make you think I am cool. One of these people may have been my mother. Another may have been a fellow blogger and friend. There were others too, ok? ;)

Anyhow- to kick my blog ass back into gear, I bring you.... "Things That Are Rad" Mondays. Let's face it. Mondays blow. Today was especially a doozie. So, instead of being tempted to bitch about the latest irritant, I will instead focus on something that makes me happy. Today- peanut butter filled pretzels. Have you had them? INCREDIBLE.

I want to say that I was first introduced to these little gems during college. It had to be then. Someone probably brought them into the dorm, or the sorority house and we all munched while watching the latest One Tree Hill or Dawson's Creek. This is of course, before everyone on One Tree Hill started sleeping with each other. I digress.

These are the perfect blend of salty and sweet. I've never had much of a sweet tooth, so this really hits the spot for me. I bought some a few weeks ago, when I went on a camping trip. For those who only know me through cyberland, just know that everyone who knows me in real life would be laughing at reading that I went camping. Since I was going out into the wilderness, I needed to bring some comfort foods. Thank you Costco! I bought the big tub, and I was really the only one that ate any. I packed them in a box and put them away.... fast forward to tonight. I looked in the cupboard, and guess what stared right back at me?

I ate about 25. Probably more than the suggested serving size.

What is your favorite snack?

I Popped My Rocky Horror Cherry

2009-10-19T19:54:00.008-07:00

So, this weekend we went down to Tucson for my littlest sister's Family Weekend at the University of Arizona (BEAR DOWN). In putting the final plans together earlier in the week, I found out that my sister would get extra credit in her media arts class if she went to see the Midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Somehow, she forgot who I was for a moment, and was surprised by how excited I was to go. Not just go.... go in full costume. I'm a big drama geek- expect nothing less. The next couple days, we researched characters, got costumes together, and prepared ourselves for the fun. Everyone who had been to a shadow cast Rocky performance before told me it was awesome. For those that might be unfamiliar, let me take a step back. A shadow cast is when they play the film on the big screen, and then actors act it out with props and costumes on a stage in front of the screen. Over the past 30+ years, casts across the country have been putting together these shows for Rocky Horror, with the same fun interactive scenes played out: Throw rice at the wedding! Call Brad an asshole! Jump up and dance along! etc, etc. We looked up all these gags, and got ready for the participation.

On Saturday night, we spent three hours getting ready while watching the movie. We were excited to see other costumed attendees when we got to the movie theater. Marked with our "V" to signify that this was our first time (virgins), we headed into the theater. There was a little game before, an "initiation" of sorts to get the "virgins" good and prepared. After that, the movie was set to begin... I waited for instructions... maybe what to do during the movie... nothing. I figured we were good to have done our research, and all would just come to us as the movie was going on. I was completely wrong.

Before I discuss the negative aspects of the show, I will give the highlights. Magenta, Trixie/Columbia, Brad and Eddie: thank you for putting forth effort in both your costumes and performances. Most often, shadow cast members are responsible for their own costuming, and you all made every attention to detail imaginable. You knew the show, and your cues and you frequently helped others that had not done the same to prepare. Kudos to you, and you can ignore the rest of this post, because you are not included in it.

Alright- now for the constructive criticism. I have been to a shadow cast show before. I saw Repo! shadow cast performance for the film's director and co-writer/actor at Chandler Cinemas before it closed. :( The actors and crew really put on a great show. The audience was engaged and excited. Knowing a few of the actors involved, I know that the cast worked hard at their weekly rehearsals. I cannot say the same for this cast.

Most of the cast (minus the previously noted) seemed distracted and unsure of their cues. Their lines were shaky, and their movements hesitant. Costumes left a lot to be desired. I know that multiple costume changes get expensive. But if the four of us were able to get something together in just 4 days- I would expect someone interested enough in joining the CAST would make more effort. Tucson has some of the best thrift stores I have ever seen, and there are PLENTY of websites that help with costume tips and tricks. This was my favorite. I am not going to call out the other cast members individually, but I will say this: there is a difference between looking creepy/disconnected, and giving an apathetic performance, and, if you are going to look like a deer in headlights, try not to get high before the performance. Also- it is helpful if you give the same level of performance all throughout. If YOU'RE bored- imagine how we felt.

In preparing for the show, I was excited for the "audience interaction" with the props and yelling. NONE of it happened. We had rice in our bags for the wedding scene... nothing. We had water guns prepared for the rain scene... nothing. We were able to do the time warp....So, there's that. There was some yelling from the crowd. One guy- obviously assigned by the cast- was the ring leader. He seemed to be going through the motions, and was giving his canned speech with his cues, seeming almost bothered to do so. Another guy, a "friend if the cast" decided to help by yelling half of the same lines just about two beats behind the other guy. There wasn't a chance we were going to hear what was going on and understand it. Half the time, the cast seemed to feel overshadowed by them, and watched them instead of performing. And, coming from someone who swears like a fucking sailor... let me tell you this: using the word "fuck" multiple times in every sentence doesn't make you edgy... it makes you crude. There are plenty more jokes to be made, you don't have to hang out in the gutter. Yeah, there's a lot of sex in the movie. Yeah, there are gay people. Yes, gay guys fuck each other in the ass. I GET IT. Did you hear audience 's laughter towards the end? No? Nothing? Yeah, it's because they had become totally disengaged. We ended up leaving just before the show ended, as we had gotten totally irritated by the entire production.

I get that you all have a bunch of fun together, hanging out, "practicing" etc. But, at some point, you have to realize that there are other people in the audience that paid to see a show, not two hours of your inside jokes. I have wanted to see a Rocky Horror Shadow Cast ever since I knew it existed. I was so looking forward to it, and told everyone I knew that I was going. When it was a disappointment, I was really sad. I WANTED it to be great. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

I hope that with this post, I can prevent someone else from having a bad Rocky experience. I hope that the cast and crew can realize that people do want to see a good show, and I hope that this motivates them to get it together.

I want to see a real shadow cast production. Has anyone seen it now that it has moved from Chandler Cinemas to the theater on Mill Ave? I want to sew up my Rocky Horror hymen and get it popped for real.

For those that want to see, here is me:

I made the sequined glove in the backseat while we drove from Phx to Tucson.
Also- I decided I wasn't ready to wear just my underwear in public.

I'll be right baaaaack

2009-10-12T15:15:00.006-07:00

So, let's forget the fact that I didn't blog for almost a month. I'm sorry.

After seeing Paranormal Activity this weekend, and STILL being creeped out by it while at work TODAY, I decided to lay out all my fears that have been caused by scary movies and stories. Mind you, I love scary movies. I am even the President of a, minorly inactive, Scary Movie Club. But, it still doesn't mean I don't get freaked out.

I have been debating on how to lay this out--- so let's go chronologically.

Growing up, we always watched horror movies. Loved them. I remember one summer night at about 7, my sister and I begged my dad to tell us a scary story. Can't really tell you the details, other than in the story, a monster grabbed the feet off of children that let their limbs hang off the bed. To this day, I keep all limbs ON the bed, and about 5 years ago was when I stopped JUMPING out of bed to avoid being grabbed. Thank you very much, Pop. I think that incident is why I HAVE to pull up my feet when I am scared. All of my neuroses can be traced back, I swear.

I think I can thank Child's Play for my fear of dolls. Well, that and the Twilight Zone episode with the ventriloquist dummy. Another set of films I can blame my dad for showing me. I remember being in bed the night my mom gave birth to my littlest sister, and seeing Chucky in my curtains. To this day, it freaks me out to put my back up against the driver seat ( I think he stabs someone through the seat in #2- YES, I went back for more).

I can't blame my dad for all of this. I brought a great deal on myself, reading all of the Fear Street books, as well as Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. The one that sticks with me the most was the "there's room for one more." I swear I may have linked it in a previous blog. Anyway, it is about 7 paragraphs long, so go for it. The basic story, is this guy has a dream where a man in a hearse drives up and says- "there's room for one more." The next day, the guy goes to get into a full elevator, and the SAME GUY from the dream says to him "there;s room for one more." He declines and, spoiler alert: the elevator plummets to the ground and kills everyone on board. I get on an elevator a minimum of 4 times a work day. I never get on when it is full, and i jump off if anyone says "there's room for one more. "

You know those kids that would say "bloody mary" or candyman into the mirror? Not me. Ever. Never ever ever. Because the Candyman makes me cry. Seriously, I cried during Final Destination because that scary fucker was the coroner. Anyway, I have convulsions when anyone around me even STARTS the Candyman chant. Note: this is not an open invitation to do this around me--- if you do, it is an open invitation for me to kick you in the balls/uterus. I am tougher than I was as a kid.

The scariest Steven King movie ever was the made for tv version of "The Shining." I know that it follows the book a LOT better than the Jack Nicholson movie. Of course, I can only guarantee that of the first 400 pages, because after two years of reading it- I am still not done, too scared. At least I keep it out of the freezer (15 pts to whomever gets the reference). Anyhow... because of that movie, I always open the shower curtain when I am scared. That way, I know that when I go into the bathroom at night, a partially decayed hag won't try to kiss me. Also- because of that movie, long hotel hallways CREEP me out.

I can blame the Scream series for a lot. Including my fear of looking into a backyard at night with a pool glowing (kinda sucks when you live in Phoenix), and my fear of large public restrooms. I am waiting for a killer to be hiding on a toilet, or in the next stall. Makes it really fun to go to the bathroom AT the movie theater around scary movie time. I also can't say that I will "be right back." Because---- what if I am just ASKING the killer to come for me?

Because of the movie Urban Legend, I have to check the backseat of my car 46 times before I get in. AND don't even get me started on the flip out that ensues if "Total Eclipse of the Heart" comes on.

I saw The Ring in college with a sorority sister. Four days later, we both got nose bleeds. We decided to go somewhere public on the 7th day, so that the creepy well girl would have to attack us with a large group around. Don't know what was more awkward, the fact that we ACTUALLY believed that was a good plan, or the fact that it was a kinda set up date with me and this kid I used to be in love with in HS. That movie also make it hard for me to go into any room where the tv is fuzzy, or the lights are flickering. Shortly after seeing the film, I was peeing in the back stall of the sorority house bathroom, and the lights started to flicker and the radio was losing reception... I nearly ran out with my panties around my ankles.

After Paranormal Activity, I will never again think "stupid a/c" when my roommate's bedroom door slams unexpectedly. I will now run out of the house thinking it is a demon. I'm not giving anything away, I promise. Also- the next time I wake up randomly at 2:43am, 3:15 am and again at 4:06 am..... I am gonna call in a demonologist. Also- go see it. It will be worth your $9.50.

Any recommendations on a film that will give me another crazy quirk?

More to Love- Finale

2009-09-15T19:23:00.003-07:00

So- I'm a little pissed about this two hour bullshit- because it means I have to switch back and forth with 90210. No, I don't DVR- I am stubborn. I won't get into it.

We go brief again.... Luke brings the girls home. Tali gets to meet dad, uncle and gma first. They have big concern because she is Jewish. As she is getting grilled, she holds her own, and when dad really starts to push it, Luke steps in. Sweet move, and I think they are really cute together.

Now the whore, Malissa hangs out with him. and schools him on pool. He should read into this that she is only just competitive, and doesn't really want HIM, she just wants to win a reality competition. She sucks. Her meeting is standard, nothing special. BUT the family buys her bullshit, and calls her the missing piece. He says "the family makes sense, but sometimes love doesn't make sense." His kisses are closed lipped now.... I think he is pulling back.

(turned it to 90 just in time to watch some serious drama with an interview with Teddy, and Annie begging for Naomi to not show her sextext)

Also- in case you missed it- Glee is awesome. Freaking awesome.

The girls get to hang out together at the house, and LUKE's MOM SHOWS UP!!!

Malissa starts to suck up immediately. And rambles... and rambles.... and Tali and mom just stare. And Malissa realizes she can't play her like that. And Tali has an actual conversation with her, and Malissa is not excited and makes a big show about fixing breakfast. And luke's mom hates malissa. this is hilarious. Tali is totally impressing mom, and speaking genuinely... and Malissa made mom roll her eyes.

(turned to 90 in time to see a break up, and a cgi punch to a glass door)

Faith (luke's mom) pulls tali aside for some chit chat time. And it is awesome.

Then there is the forced one on one time with Malissa. And she babbles. She said it is too premature to consider her as a daughter in law. Luke has a chat with Mom, and Tali passes. And she won;t even really talk about Malissa. Hahahaha.

The laides get one on one dates again. And Tali is stunning. Luke needs to iron his jacket. They are sweet. And they have a good convo about the mom... and she tells him she would move to california. oooooooh. then she brings up malissa... and then saves it a little by saying that she can only hope and trust that they are strong enough to make it. OH MY GOD. She says I love you!!!!! And he says I LOVE YOU TOO!!!! And then they make out!!!!!!!!!! They are giddy. :D They totally just made me "awwwwww."

Now it's the whore's turn. She tells him at dinner that she is really nervous. and silence... and then he says to tell him what's in her heart... and she says she is scared because she doesn't want to know she is wrong about how she is feeling. I don;t think he believes her when she says she wants to be like his grandparents and be marries 52 years. But he gives her a little peck, to make it seem like he actually has a decision to make. She says " i do love you." and he says "i l love you too, you are very special to me." gross.

Luke is picking out an engagement ring. HE picks one out for both of them. The girls get pampered. Let's just get there.

Tali is absolutely beautiful. Oh My Lanta. Malissa is in fuchsia. Wow... we have a light up walkway over the swimming pool. Quite the set decoration... he mentions break up... and up pulls.... Malissa. Please. Please. Please. Please. She talks about unconditional love... blah blah. She matches the decorations really well. She is struggling, and has to say something. He talks about their instant attraction, and talks about how much they have in common and how right for each other they could be. She is beautiful, and she is adventurous... and he loves her.... for who she is. BUT ( GRIN) his heart belongs to somebody else!!!!!! She looks pissed. Like someone took away her doll. And she looks at the ring... and he says he didn't want to hurt her, and it is painful, but he has to let her go. all she can say is "everything felt so right. I can't believe I was so wrong." She says she just wants to go. He walks her out..... Hugs. And the whore gets in the limo. Deep sigh from Luke (don;t worry you dodged a bullet). She isn't even crying.... just listing why it was so right. Lame. HAHA "what makes her better than me?" THAT right there!!! You don;t even love him, you just want to win. Now she finally cries. And is giving the standards script. Such a faker.

He is talking about Tali, and says that he feels like they can change the world together. :) She looks like an angel..... He gives her this thing about two different worlds, and they would have obstacles... and he says that in the beginning he made a promise to love her for who she is, and he does. With all his heart. And she promised the same, and she does. And she makes him a better man... and then.... ring. knee.... she can';t breathe. he says "i want you to be my wife. will you marry me?" (dramatic pause) breathy "yes. i love you." Smoochie smoochie sweet.

:D

More to Love- Goes Hawaiian

2009-09-08T20:05:00.004-07:00

Alright, I am going BRIEF on this.

- They arrive and have an awkward Luau dance. All the girls share their insecurities with the camera.

-Individual date with Malissa. He loves their physical connection, but wonders about her level of commitment. They play with seals, and have a heart to heart picnic. She gives him some bullshit that she just wants to spend time with him, it doesn't matter what they do. They have a dinner date, and she is SO scripted. He wants honesty. Ha! She gets REALLY defensive when he says that he isn't her normal type. He thinks she is gonna break his heart, and he is totally right. She just wants to win. AND she agrees to have dessert at HIS place. Vomit. Are moaning noises really necessary?

-Now his one on one with Tali. They go sailing, as she is freaked out... even though she is in the Navy. She then freaks out bc he had planned to go snorkeling. Because being in the water is her biggest fear. But she goes in, bc love heals all. Gross. I really want some cake. I have been craving cake for a few weeks. Chocolate with whipped cream frosting sounds good. Sweet sappy dinner, and they are in love. HE asks if they can go to his room and snuggle. :) Haha, she is totally giddy. They're cute. Officially. and get in the hot tub.....

-Mandy;s turn. Apparently she is at the top of is list, but is the most guarded. They have a date where they eat fruit, and she bitches about him dating other girls. Then they get in the limp and go to dinner on a boat. He asks her if she could see herself being married to him, and of course she says "yeah." And then they eat each others faces in a kiss. She says "can you see it?" and he answers yes. And then they make out, and he asks her to stay the night on the boat with him to watch the stars. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After the commercial he will have to make his "toughest decision yet."

I ignored the bs conversation they have every week. The two left go to meet his family. Tali- good. I like them. Malissa is sweating. I don't believe a thing she says. But he chooses her anyway.
Do we really need Emme as a host? Mandy is crying. He feels terrible. She won't even look at him. She cries in the limo. She thought he was the one.

If he picks Malissa next week, he deserves the shit he gets.

More to Love- Meet the Parents

2009-09-01T19:57:00.005-07:00

Gosh, Tuesday at 8 comes fast. I have been rocking and rolling today working on Halloween/Futuristic costume party outfits/logistics, and to be honest, I really don't want to be torn away for this..... OH WAIT! My friend came up with a drinking game!!!

Her game from last week:

*Every time someone cries
*Every time someone says they "had a connection"
*Every time Luke makes out with someone
*Luke refers to liking "big"/"curvy" women
*Girls complain about dating, how the guys always thought they were fat
*Every time the camera shows them eating
*Every time one of the girls says she is "falling in love"
*Every time food is shown
Play along if you want... thank Melissa later.

Tali gets a one on one with a "race to the finish line!!" She always looks really put together. I like her. He says she's really serious, so he is taking her go kart racing to get the fun out. So, SURPRISE!! Her aunt and uncle show up. Her uncle and her seem really close... like, in a creepy way. Now there is a discussion about religion and class structures in Israel. Uncle questions whether her family would even accept him. Wow.

Back at the house. Mandy gets mail and acts like a spaz. "Here's to a CALM night." malissa says mandy is too hyperactive for Luke. Ha.

Tali and her aunt chit chat, and the bald white guy uncle tells him what it's like trying to be accepted into the family. It freaks Luke out. Because who really wants to get this serious after a week? Because that is pretty much what this is in real time.

Tali comes back, and the other girls grill Mandy while she is getting ready. Especially Malissa. Mandy tells her to STFU. Finally. She cries, and Malissa laughs. Because she is a malicious bitch. She sees Luke and is "rejoyed" with happiness. Is that a word? They get out of the car, and she is immediately greeted by her parents. So much for alone time, eh? He loves her parents. We also learn that Luke's dad is a butcher.

Back at the house, Malissa is trying to figure it out... what is a "CALM" evening. Oy... who cares? Tali gives an explanation of self control.

Back to the date. Her mom says that she is confident, but sensitive. Like, cry in the bathroom and slam doors sensitive. He asks if she is ready to settle down, and her mom says (pause) (pause) that she is ready for a serious relationship, but isn't running to the alter. Apparently she is ready, and is irritated that her parents tried to say they should get to know each other.

Anna you "strike me as a girl that likes to have fun." So they are going bowling. Ew... they are all pervy on their meet up. Her shirt is open in the back. Whuh? Apparently she is an amazing bowler, because she used to do that instead of go to the pool. The sexual tension makes me uncomfortable.

Back at the house.... Malissa "I've gotten a little taste of alone time with you, and I am rady to try some more.... " Gross.

Back to bowling. Hey, Luke- throw a little softer. Don't break the lane. She wins... and goes full girl mode when her parents show up. Her dad has a FUPA. Luke gets grilled, but totally handles it. He is ready to get married. Where are these guys? Ha. I guess she has to travel a lot for work, and they get scared that Luke can't handle that.

Oops... forgot the show was starting again... missed part of Malissa... they are tasting food and wine blindfolded, and he brings in her sisters. Her blonde sister is trashy. Gross. They look nothing alike. And they are bitchy. Apparently they have gone through a lot, and mom died when they were young. Her bitchier sister asks if he is a cheater.... I think Luke is getting offended at how they are talking to her. OH! Apparently the bitch sister has a 4 year old, and she never babysits. Holy shit. This is a train wreck. He asks what they would think if he proposed. The nice sister saves the day. They look nothing alike.

She can't wait to get home to tell the other girls that he asked the proposal question. Hahaha. Awesome. The other girls freak out.

Catty catty catty at the mixer. Alone time with Tali. She asks what she talked to her uncle about, and she rolls her eyes. She says that it won't be that big of a deal, because she has talked to her parents about it. Right. Malissa and Anna have bonded, as they think they are the final two. Anna and Luke have a serious conversation about whether her modeling career and a serious relationship can work. Mandy is totally insecure, and shows it. She HAS to ask about the proposal question. He says he was just trying to gauge what they were really thinking. Mandy appreciates the assurance. He says Mandy may be clingy or needy. OR maybe she doesn't want to think about her dude wanting to marry another chick. Malissa and Luke hang out... and of course he brings up the babysitting. She kinda dances around and tells him what he wants to hear. He is on to her... time for the rings...

Blah blah, meeting your families gives me a glimpse into the future, starting a family.. blah blah. The girls still ponder what they have been pondering the whole time. Malissa is in. Tali is in... I lay money on Anna for the last ring.... OH SNAP. Mandy!!!! Anna is not pleased. He asks to walk her out... he thinks that she isn't ready for a relationship. He tells her that it is hard to see what it would be like being together. She whines... holds back the tears. She of course says the whole experience was great... blah blah. And she breaks. Cmon. what kind of model wear pink lipstick with a red dress.

AND TRAVEL DATE to somewhere I didn't catch because they were screaming.. oh Hawaii.

More to Love- sexy 6 down to 4

2009-08-25T19:58:00.005-07:00

So, I have decided that if tonight's episode sucks, I am over this show. Let's see how it goes!

First- I am so glad I don't watch Hell's Kitchen. What a piece of shit show. If I wanted to hear an hour of yelling, I would watch political TV.

So, I think all the girls that are left have made out with Luke. I am glad he got rid of Lauren and Melissa. Those chicks bugged me hard core.

Why is it necessary to have clips of them eating? We get it. Mandy and Kristian are apparently going dancing. Kristian wished that Mandy breaks an ankle. These ladies were chosen because they are the best dancers in the house, as witnessed by the prom episode. Mandy has a pretty dress, but needs to wear a bra. Seriously. Kristian has quoted two movies in the last monute: "I've got moves you've never seen." My Best Friend's Wedding- and "it looks like two pigs wrestling uner a blanket."- Steel Magnolias. Apparently she is a Julia Roberts fan. They dance.

Back out the house, the four other girls make cupcakes and cards.

Back at the date- one on one time, and Kristian goes first. Luke has his shirt opened way to far, and has his collar popped up. Ew. Dirty dancing. She is "so in love!!" Yes, because that can happen when he is dating other women. Oooooh. Mandy sees their kiss and gets pissed. Hello, welcome to dating on a reality show.

Mandy wipes up her slobbery tears and goes on her one on one. She tells him that she is starting to shut down based on the circumstance. You know, like a normal person when they know that the person they like is dating someone else.

The remaining date is an adventure one on one date with Malissa. You know, the first one he made out with? The one that disappeared for awhile. And now begins the whining... Helicopter date!! Okay, side bar- how many of you have actually BEEN on a helicopter date? I know that I haven't. The way these reality shows do it, you would think it is standard protocol for date 5. They go to a vineyard to eat (duh- cuz they're heavy, get it?) and to drink. Their conversation is kinda lame, but they are feeling a connection.

Back at the house. Another letter that Kristian has found. Anna, Heather and Tali are "digging in" to another date. Theyu need to be ready for fun in the sun, aka... the beach. Tali is pissed bcause it is another date in a bathing suit. It is pretty lame. I would be pissed.

Back to thte date- picnic make out. She says she has always been curvier, but I remember and episode when Kristian called her out for not always being curvy. Hmmm. Me thinks her and Luke are lying..... and they will end up together and start a new show where they lose weight.

The next part of their date- the tandem bike. How dorky. Why are there random zebras on the vineyard? And... he broke the bike. And it is still the best date of her life. Of course.

The other girls are really jealous. Especially Anna, who, btw should not appear on camera withour makeup. And Malissa is in love, and Kristian is dying and questioning the love, because obviously she is the only one that loves him. She gets all self pity in the hot tub. And Heather feels bad because she isn't in love. Because most people don't after the first month. And the dramatic music comes in.

Beach date... ew. ew. ew. He just said maybe I can take my shirt off, and you guys can rub on me and rub some stuff in. Slapping some oil on me... I am so uncomfortable. He walks on the beach with Tali, who talks about how she is jealous, because the other girls are further ahead. She has a super cute cover up. He looks at her like he wants to eat her fce. Weird. He is so weird and creepy and slimy.

Back at the house. FYI- "romantical" is not a word, Kristian. And she is nasueous. Maybe she is carrying a miracle baby created through their love.

Back at the date- Anna is on the boat with him, and is talking about how all the girls are in love. Luke sees fireworks with them. I don't. Now he has alone time with Heather who ALSO complains about him seeing other girls. Heather is losing her grip on him, because he doesn't like her insecurity. Because at the end of the day, he isn't looking for a good friend, he is looking for a wife.

Time for the Mixer. He asks Mandy about a difficult time in her life. She had an eating disorder in highs school. They talk about how she is confident and confortable, and Kristian is creeping and analyzing their body language. Heather is stresssssssssing out. She has a chance to redeem herself on her one on one and tells him crying that she wants to stay around. He says he loves who she is.. blah blah, he really just looked freaked out. Anna is IN HIS FACE. Kristian is planning on telling him she loves him. And does it in three languages.... and makes hims guess. And she says she is falling deeply in love. And he breathes heavy and looks down. Always a good sign. It "touches his heart," and thanks her for opening up to him. She kinda lies a little bit to Tali about what his response was... Tali freaks out. She goes to get the dish from him, and confronts him. He tells her not to listen to the girls in the house, to listen to HIM and her heart. Vom. Now he says he has to break some hearts.

Elimination. Two are gone. (insert cliche about making the right decision) Kristian has lost he damn mind, and I am over her. Anna. Good Lord, she is TALL. Malissa. I am nervous that Heather is going to explode. Mandy. Tali has a death glare. One ring left... tali, heather and kristian are left.... he gives it to Tali. Holy SHIT. This is gonna get UGLY. Heather hugs him and cries, but still feels confident. He taught her to spread her wings.. vom. How embarrassing this is for Kristian, who says that she loves him, and she wishes him the best. He breathes heavily and walks out after her. She sobs into his suit. He says that he wants what is best for her, and that it isn't him. Because he is a slime.OMG. She is doing the gasping sob. Oh my. She hopes it wasn't her weight, because she is the biggest in the house. I can tell you that I am sure it wasn't your weight. It was more about you being a fucking psycho stalker.

Next week: all four girls get a one on one and their parents are there. And he asks Malissa's sister: "what would you do if i proposed to your sister." Okay. I'm in for another week. DARN YOU FOX!!!

Dear Heidi Montag, You Suck. Love, America

2009-08-24T14:14:00.006-07:00

There are plenty of people that are famous that should not be. I can't change this. BUT I can question why millions of Americans continue to feed into the system. Heidi Montag sucks. She has no talent, and has changed her features through so much plastic surgery that I know longer consider her to be an attractive human being. Her "husband" is a blatant media whore, and did I mention she has no talent? Please, someone tell me how she got this gig?

Not that the Miss Universe is such a huge gig, but seriously. Dennis Richards is a better dancer. Also, Heidi- Britney's ass looked better in those pants when she wore them in 2000. Side note: Britney actually CAN dance. Singing ability is irrelevant to this conversation, as both are studio creations. DO NOT BUY her album. DO NOT BUY a magazine cover with her on it. INCLUDING that piece of crap Playboy shoot she did. STOP FEEDING THE BEAST. LET HER VANISH FROM THIS EARTH. Just like Corey Feldman.

More to Love- Now I know How Joel McHale Feels

2009-08-18T20:02:00.006-07:00

YES! I love the episodes where the girls have to judge each other, and point out each other's flaws. :) In this show, they flip a paddle to signify "good wife" and "bad wife."

Kristian- apparently she is crazy and doesn't keep her cool. Duh.
Heather- Good wife, bubbly, fun and huge heart. Why is Malissa being nice? Lauren points out that it isn't about how nice people are, and takes it to the bitch level. :) Because apparently being kind to others is not as important as it is to be able to cook dinner.
That one girl- irrlevant.
Malissa- high maintenance.
Lauren- vulgar. haha.
Mel B.- get ready for the waterworks. you can tell because of the way the music changes. Bad wife. immature. needs more life experience. and voted the worst wife... girl. you are 21. get over it. you are not going to meet the love of your life on a reality show.

heather and mel b get alone dates. lauren is pissed because she has no alone time. because she is a bitch.

Mel B's date---she is so awkward. he needs a lady with confidence, he says... and she asked what he thinks about her... and he runs around the bush. and after a flash to the house, they have belly dancers arrive to the date. good Lord Mel b. get over it. grow a backbone. try some self affirmations. this girl needs a babysitter. she's out.

Heather gets to go somewhere with a ballgown... don't know where. I missed it. (stuff stuff stuff)
Now she gets drilled on what kind of mom she is gonna be. And he says... there is something i need to tell you.. it is weighing on me.. "i have three kids." cricket. cricket. he laughs. He just wanted to break the ice. And now he talks about how he is basically saving her life with his awesomeness. Wow, it must be amazing to be able to make so many people's lives now worth living. I need to meet him so that I can find my purpose in life. VOM. This guy has such a huge ego, it is gross.

OMG IT's MILEY!

Group date... the girls are talking about french kissing him. :) And, they are at a spa. And have to get a robe on and meet by the pool. what is the deal with him wanting them naked all the time. Malissa and him get a little bathroom hot tub action with her tiggo bitties (boyf says _ you notice that they cover his bitch tits with bubbles) popping out. All the girls are jealous. And Lauren asks if they french kissed. And Mandy cries. Guess what. You are on a reality dating show!!!! There is a girl on here who's name i don't know. Because she is irrelevant. OMG IF FOX PUT FOOTAGE OF ME PULLING MY BATHING SUIT OUT OF MY ASS I WOULD SUE. Oh yeah, Mandy gets alone time. She is gonna cry and get whiny. He wants to make out with her... because he is a perv. Apparently, it "did something to [his] heart." Yeah, the heart in his penis. Lauren gets alone time, while the others play with guacamole... and then Luke hears the fun and ditches Lauren. This is so turtles.

It's mixer time. Lauren gets some alone time.... he totally calls her out for being competitive. Mel B is spying. Umm. Mandy is not big. Like, maybe a size 10 on a bloated day. What the hell? They have a weird moment where he feels like he is hiding something. TWICE NOW, Mel B has said "so do you" in response to "you look beautiful." Um, guys are handsome. And he has changed her life, and she is in love. Anna looks like HELL with no makeup.

Here it is.... ooh. Emme says they could be one step closer to leaving with "their potential husband." Ha. Standard.. this is so hard... jerk, jerk... so close... Heather. i think she may be my new fave. Tali... lets back off on the lipstick. Malissa A. (he played a fun game where he paused, so they had to hear thelast initial). Mandy. Kristian. She is all smiles. Ok, one more... and these girls are nuts. Anna. hahahaha.

Lauren- basically laughs at him. FYI- he didn't choose you because a) you;re psycho. b) you have a boob tat. Mel B.- learn to love yourself. In a few ways. The other girls giggle when she leaves. Sad.

Next week---- drama with the sexy six. They better make this less predicatble. I'm bored.

Monday, Monday- can't trust that day...

2009-08-17T13:31:00.004-07:00

I was signing in to put up a typical post, bitching about whatever- and I realized this is my 60th post. I feel a little pressure to have this be special... so, when I bitch, I will try to be funny and insert interesting anecdotes. You know, just like Denis Leary (yes, it is one n).

Things that have driven me crazy over the last month:

- When people are late to a meeting/date by more than ten minutes. Even if you let me know you are going to be late, if you do it regularly, I assume you don't value my time. Learn how to schedule better.

- The fact that people think they are ACTUAL FRIENDS with celebrities when they follow them on Twitter. I nearly shit myself when Adam Richman tweeted me back, but I have a clear understanding that we don't actually know each other, and I don't hold him to some weird standard of friendship (like some weirdo creepers on his page do).

- While we are on the subject of Twitter- just because you can put 140 characters up every minute doesn't mean what you have to say is relevant. Anyone can type into a box. Monkeys can do that. Is this person even using English?

-Loud talkers. YOU ARE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I CAN HEAR YOU WITHOUT YOU YELLING. IT IS CALLED AN INSIDE VOICE FOR A REASON.

-Old people that curse the internet/cell phones/email. I am sure that those wretched automobiles took a little while to get used to as well. But, c'mon. This cursed internet thing isn't going away anytime soon. Either get on board, or STFU. Larry King does it.

- Crappy protest signs. If you want people to think you are legitimate, take the time to : spell check, use a ruler, try a marker.

-The media. Lame reports on shit that isn't news. Kate Gosselin is not news. You know what else isn't news? Taking sound bits from crazy people that just want to stir shit up. Or basically just saying whatever you want to get viewers.

- While we are on lame sound bits- anyone who doesn't actually know anything they are talking about when it comes to politics and world events can STFU. Don't care if you are red or blue, if your statement comes from the land of bullshit, I don't want to hear it.

- Unprofessional relationships with your boss. There is really no reason to be text messaging your boss past 8 pm any day of the work week and anytime that is not between noon and 5 on the weekend (if your job requires that). Especially if your boss is of the opposite sex. Since when is that acceptable behavior?

- People who are never happy. Granted, I bitched this whole post. But, I am a happy person otherwise. I have friends that I adore, a family I couldn't live without, a boyfriend that makes me laugh, and a job that keeps me entertained(with fun co-workers to boot!) All those ~~thongs~~ things are what help me get my head back in the game after a rough day. If every day is a bad day, and nothing makes you happy- figure some shit out, because life could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

AHHHHH! Kelly Clarkson

2009-08-14T09:43:00.003-07:00

First, let me tell you that I think Kelly Clarkson is amazing. Second, let me tell you that I think he positive body image is admirable; I only wish I could appreciate myself as much as she does. Third, let me tell you that SELF magazine is a piece of shit publication. Apparently in their “Total Body Confidence Issue,”they decided to insert an article about Kelly Clarkson loving herself, but then delete a major portion of her body for the cover, via airbrushing.

What kind of message does this send? You can love your body, but we need you to be hotter to sell magazines? That is what I read into it, and I am sure I am not alone.

Photoshop is a great invention. Smooth out some lines, brush away cellulite- yeah, I get it- no one REALLY looks like that. But when you alter a person's picture to drop them 3 dress sizes, that is absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible. If you don't like the way she looks, find somebody else to put on the cover. I am sure Jennifer Love Hewitt would love some publicity. Or some work. Or just someone to give her the attention she is so desperate for.

MOVE, get out tha way!

2009-08-13T09:27:00.004-07:00

I have always hated bicyclists. Well, not ALWAYS. My 8th grade math teacher was one, and any time we wanted to get out of a lesson, someone was nominated to ask her a question about it, and then we didn't have to do math that day. It was great. But somewhere along the time that I really started driving, I began to despise them. Not because they are involved in physical acticity, but because they think that they deserve teh same space on the road that a car does. That's just bullshit as far as I see it.
Where is this random rant coming from, you ask? This douchebag biking up Washington this morning while other people (LANES of them) were trying to drive to work.

Note- it is raining in Phx today

Please notice on your right: a cross walk, and a sidewalk. Apparently neither of these are good enough for this asshole. What happened when the light turned green, you ask? He cut me off, and started biking ahead of me at 13 mph. IN THE RIGHT HAND LANE! Hey- Lance Armstrong- this street isn't closed for a race. People are trying to get to work. Move the hell out of the way. Maybe try a bike path, or one of the many mountain paths, or shit- maybe just a side street. Regardless (side note: in case you didn't know, irregardless is not an actual word), you are not a vehicle and it just messes shit up when you pretend to be one.

More to Love- Prom!

2009-08-11T20:03:00.002-07:00

The littlest sister is heading to U of AZ this week, so we are having some bonding time. I am typing this on her fancy new laptop. I remember when I went to college, and had to wait until second semester soph year before I got one… but I digress.

Sister has not seen an episode, and is not so excited to watch this… but oh well. I am the big sister, I win. The bet tonight- I guessed 8 will cry, work friend guessed 7, sister guessed 6. This is gonna be tight.

How freaking long is this recap??!!??Between the recap and my blog, everything is laid out, so feel free to join in anytime.

So- Kristian wanted the dirt on how bachelor looks in a bathing suit. Also- she says she wants to cover him in bbq sauce and eat him like a pork chop. Oh Lordie.

The Bachelor gives some bullshit about how growing up, a lot of us (he was not one) were pushed aside... blah blah. And he is taking them to prom. Fyi -I didn't go to prom. Now the girls tear open the boxes. looking for a dress. Now we get to hear how many went to prom. So far, Kristian- but she stole her friend's date for a photo. Some other chick took a friend. Lauren didn't go, bc the guy she was dating didn't realize it was her prom... Luke loves the ladies, and why is Melissa wearing white? and crying? she sucks. I hope she leaves.

Ew. there is a reality show about the Octomom. I agree with sister: " i hope that CPS sees this and takes her children away." That would be nice, but so would her being eaten by a bear.

Luke wants to give them the prom night they have always dreamed of. Also- it wasn't Luke's idea.. he just does what the producers tell him to do. Sister says.. " a lot of these girls aren't that big." Right? Kristian is a shitty dancer, and is getting a little fan girl. And she gets her kiss. Sister laughs. Ugh. Melissa can't dance... seems like crying is her main skill. Her prom was awful. How awkward is this... he dances with one at a time.. and the other girls just hang out. And- another kiss. WHOA! What is Emme doing here at the beginning of the show!! With a surprise!! His friends are here!! ... I hope one gets drunk and hit on a girl.. OOOOH! There will be a queen, who receives an individual date with Luke. And I don't know how they win, since sister was rambling. Chase is the frat friend. Who are some of these girls? Apparently Danielle is a plus size model, and Heather gets snubbed because she doesn't talk. Who is this lady in red? Have we seen her before? Oh- Mandy- she looks less like a dude. Amazing what a professional make up crew can do.

Now, it is time to announce who his best friends have picked as prom queen. Danielle. :) The receptionist that is pretending that she runs the whole organization. Lauren is a bitch, and Heather is sick of sharing him. Umm. You signed up for this. Danielle cries. (2) Bonnie- since when is the prom queen the most liked? I think you are confused with miss Congeniality. Danielle has been on three first dates... blah blah blah. He just stares. Maybe that is why you don;t get a second date. Just sayin. She doesn't eat seafood..

Back at the house.. the girls talk shit about Danielle.

Back at the date- Ew. She SLAMS the dessert. A chocolate covered banana. And keeps talking. With chunks of chocolate spewing from her mouth. He was wiped out from her. So, he wants to be quiet.. and she babbles. and says "i am still a virgin." AWKWARD. His response... " I like being on the water." She makes some lame mention of a fitting metaphor, looking out and seeing endless possibilities.

Luke is going to give Heather some one on one time. Why is Kristian wearing a cowboy hat? Hey Lauren... put the big eyes away and stop being a CU Next Tuesday, and maybe you might get more of what you want. Heather and Luke go to Trust Ranch. Luke asks the question everyone is thinking, "Is my horse going to mind that I am over 300 lbs?" It's cool.

Back at the house. Kristian tells Dani she wants to ring her next. Then Melissa B. ASKS K to tell her about her. She said that she thinks she is hiding something. AND THEN MELISSA SAYS SHE IS BEING ATTACKED. Hello you asked her opinion.

Back to the date- Heather talks about her singing career. Luke tells her to go for it, and she doesn't because of her size. AND she cries. She thinks Luke could love her, because she loves herself. And the kiss. Sister laughs. I think she is surprised by the amount of kissing. I forgot to warn her, and apparently she only reads the blog posts that "are interesting" to her. Doubt she'll read this. Lame.

I am a GLEEK. So is sister.

Now it is the evening mixer portion of the evening. It was so nice that blondie was out of this episode. Christina- you should be concerned, because I don't remember you. Luke and Lauren have a moment. Danielle- there is a difference between a "political campaign" and being emo in the corner. Jerk. OMG. Bonnie brings him a present, IN HER BOOBS. It is a drawing. Oy. Hey, Kristian. Dial it back. four days... you are falling for him?!?! HAHA. Sister is addicted. Kristian cries.

Ring time. Four go home. It is "a lot." You know, one more than last week, and one less than the week before. Malissa isn't as confident this week.

Here we go... Luke gives the same "luckiest guy" bullshit speech. Get to the good shit. I think I need four more criers to win... heather is in. Mandy is in. Why did he call her second? Anna- who are you? Shut up. Oh, he gives her a ring. Lauren. Of course. She is a drama creator. Just wit until we get to a "who would you vote off" show. She will be amazing. Tali- in. Melissa B is in. Malissa A looks pissed. Two rings... Malissa. And Kristian. So-- Bonnie is out. two lame girls whose name is don't remember are out, and the babbling brooke is out. One of the no names cries. Of course she is surprised by who stays. Bonnie does not cry. She is rocking. The other no name girl calls it out that she is prettier than the other that are her- specifically Mel B. Danielle pretends like she learned the biggest lesson. Wells, but no drop.

Yes!!! Next week the girls have to say why other girls suck!!! And Lauren is going to give a star performance. And there are so many questions!!!!

I got lost on the cry count--- but it was under 6- so work friend, you win. I hope this covers for you missing the episode.

Edward Cullen is a Creep

2009-08-11T09:48:00.006-07:00

I must tell you, I have had numerous people tell me about Twilight. Some good, some bad. And from what I had heard, I was not impressed. But, because I feel that you shouldn't spout off about something you know nothing about- I decided to read it. I will tell you now, before you invest too much time, that I hated it. If that turns you off, click away now. I will also tell you that the fact that grown ass women find Edward Cullen to be an amazing man disgusts me. If that turns you off, click away now. It also is incredibly disturbing to me that young girls find Edward to be an ideal mate. If you don't want to hear about how he is an emotionally abusive asshole, then click away now.

So- for those 5 people that are still here with me, thanks. You may not agree with me, but I thank you for taking the time to hear me out. First, let me say that it has taken me a month to read this book. Granted, I was a little busy- but- unlike so many who have told me it was amazing, I fell asleep 9 times reading it. No exaggeration. Last night, I decided to focus and get this book out of my life.

I think part of my problem in reading the book, is that I had the actors in my head as the characters the whole time. And I am not entirely fond of them. In fact, thinking of RPats just creeps me out in general. I tried to get past it...but by no means is Stephanie Meyer a literary genius. She writes fiction for teenagers. Can't fault her for that, as I single handedly supported R.L. Stine and Ann M. Martin's career's during my teens. But- to say that she is a great author of our time, c'mon. Great authors of our time use a thesaurus. How many times can you say "dazzling" "sparkling" and "chagrin." I credit the dear friend who let me borrow her book for that knowledge, as she highlighted every occurrence in the 490 pages. Let me just tell you, it's a lot. I didn't REALLY get into the book until about page 345, when Bella is being hunted. That is when I started to turn the pages at rapid speed. The rest of the book was just too much set up, and the twist of the hunter being the one that created Alice was so juvenile. Because it is a book for teenagers.

You hear that, grown ass women who think Edward Cullen is a God? This book was written for teenagers. I have no problem if you want a light read. I really don't. Sometimes you just want something light hearted and entertaining. But when you cross over to this stage, you need to get a life. Yeah, I said it. Here is an excerpt from crazy town:

"In a way, Meyer has created the boyfriend we’d wish for our daughters and the cautious, responsible, gentlemanly son we’d be proud to call our own. Or, forgetting our age, she's created a character we wish could be our own love interest!"

Okay- Here is where I get to the serious stuff. Edward is not an amazing boyfriend. He is an abuser. Granted, we don't get to serious stuff until the last book (yes, I have heard about the sex scene), but there are so many red flags that it frighten me that girls think this is an ok relationship. Before you say I am overreacting, I would like you to take a look at something I became very familiar with in a college course that I not only took, but assisted in teaching for two semesters after. This is the wheel of violence.

Now, please allow me to show you the read flags that I found simply in the first book of the twilight series:
-playing mind games
-controlling what she does, who she sees, who she talks to (and follows up by eavesdropping!!)
-using jealousy to justify actions
-using male privilege (making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle")
-threatening to commit suicide
-making her do illegal things (or just lie to her dad and run away from home)
-blaming her (because she just can't seem to keep her little lamb ass out of danger)

Here is a pretty interesting article that I found that lines up personality traits of abusers with actions of Edward throughout the entire series. Since I haven't read the whole series, I will let you click through if you want some more back up. She even sites page numbers.

I don't even think I need to get into the other creepy things he does, like watching her sleep, smelling her, telling her he wants to eat her, allowing her to think for the first month that she was worthless and that he hated her.... that is all minor when you look at the big picture.

If you think I am being over dramatic, so be it. I just think that people should take a little more care in what their children are reading. After all, as a parent, it is up to you to teach your children love, respect and what constitutes a proper relationship.

And if you are just reading it for fun- by all means go ahead. I watch trashy reality shows, I can't judge you. I just hope you just take a moment to think about it from a different angle. That's all I ask.

Alright Twihards- let me have it!!!

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

2009-08-06T16:46:00.004-07:00

John Hughes was responsible for creating some of my favorite movies (that I constantly quote): 16 Candles and Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Breakfast Club. I was SURE I was going to marry Jake Ryan, I felt Ferris's pain about never having a car, and every time I hear and 80's song-I dance like Molly Ringwald did in the bookshelf in the Breakfast Club.

Thank you John, for giving me years of laughs and wonderful memories.

Not able to embed- but one of my favorite Breakfast Club scenes.

Feel free to post your favorite quotes.

More to Love- second helping

2009-08-04T20:00:00.002-07:00

Gotta love a serious opening montage. Lots of "love," tears, kisses, attitude, etc. Love it even more when it is followed by a serious recap, of ONE episode. So- at work today, I bet a co-worker that 6 girls would cry this episode. She said they all will. Betcha I'm closer. :)

First dates!! Two group dates, and the girls get to pick the two groups. The captains are the skeezes that kissed him first. Now we get to relive Melissa's fear of being picked last. Whine. She gets picked fourth. Someone gets smart and realized that someone won't get picked, since there is an odd number. Bet ya she gets picked for the single date. Someone else bitches about being picked last for red rover. Last time I checked for red rover, you WANT someone to bust through a big line, so---- bigger is preferred. You don't want the skinny weak chick for that game. The kids at her school had no strategy. Ha- one girl tells us that Christina was picked last because she was a snob. Haha. And... she gets the single date. Reality show writers----- do you need me?!?

Team Melissa- Crusing out at dusk. Yay. Kristian called him the "bees knees." Love that phrase. Ooh, it is a crusie on the "dreamboat." I hope someone gets seasick and pukes off the side! Seriously... no sooner than I type that- and I get what I want. Hahaha. Talk about buzz kill. Heather was the puker, and she whines and cries.. Malissa is a bitch. No sympathy- and just says "got another one out of the way." Wow. How does Malissa get herself more alone time.... to MAKE OUT AGAIN! And while we are at it... why does she spell her name that way?
And- they eat a big steak dinner. I have officially chosen Kristian as my favorite. She calls Malissa out because apparently she hasn't always been fat, she just let herself go after high school. Kinda like the bachelor- so, funny how that works out. YAY Kristian gets one on one time with dessert. Oooh. He calls her a "special girl." Hm. Wait- I think I hated Kristian last show. Crap, I am such a hypocrite.
So- why does Heather have to sleep downstairs? Can't she take ome medicine and be social? He is such a player. He brings her upstairs to snuggle and chat. AND she cries. Again. Another cheek kiss. Another crying interview. This girl needs THERAPY. It is not healthy to cry that much. Maybe THAT's why you can't keep a boyfriend. I want to mute her, and I have only known her for 20 minutes.
I am concerned that Kristian is falling so quickly. I hope he doesn't break her heart. And I hope Malissa gets punched by another girl.

Lots of yelling-note from Luke- Christina has her one on one date. And she says "thanks for picking me last." And Melissa cries because she wants a one on one date. And there are some catty chicks here. Mandy likes dudes.
When he picks her up, he is excited. Apparently she has this aura about her that is "so sexy, and her body is banging." and she "has butterflies." This is the differnece between men and women. They are getting in a plane, and cuddling and cute.
(flash to the girls at the house) Kristian is falling in love, and the old lady is irritated.
(back to the date)- in Vegas, they roll up on Planet Hollywood. She tells him a cheating story about her ex. Always a good idea for a first date. Just lay all your insecurites on the table.
(house) Lauren is a Christina hater. Bonnie the tattoo girl is funny, and calls her the smelly kid in school that nobody wants to sit next to.
(date) in the suite -on the first date- and make out central!! well- just pecks. then time to jet set. He says that tired bullshit about whether they can "connect on a deeper level." What he means is- she doesn't make his soldier stand at attention. Those little pecks were lame.

Team Annahas a letter from the Bach-grab swim suits. People are FREAKED. This will be interesting. Also- Melissa is crying again. I am over the crying. Apparently- they are gonna "party, and have some drinks." That is his way of making them comfortable in swim suits. Calorie laden beverages. And Melissa cries again. Ok- is it necessary for the camera to do the up down with the camera? Luke jumps in with his shirt off. You know what would be better on this show? What would send a better message? If these women didn't hate themselves so damn much. So many are not happy with who they are, and I am having a hard time wondering why they would let Fox exploit them.
(back at the house) Mandy and Kristian leave notes.
(date)He starts playing with Lauren, and girls are getting jealous. I think Luke is wearing a Tiffany bracelet. He pulls aside the first date crier/puker for the first one on one of the date. She rambles inchorently about why she is on the show. And they end with a little peck, and she says its perfect. Lauren explains her agression. She says that basically she is the female version of him. And then he gives her the bedroom eyes and then they MAKE OUT. Arianne, the old cabaret dancer is uber jealous. Lauren basically says she could give a shit about the girls and their feelings. She has a one track mind.

Crap- I forgot to keep tabs of how many cried!!! I think three so far. So- we are on par for 6, including elimination.

Now the final mixer- Seriously, where do these girls find all these cute dresses? I can't find those over a size 6 (which I haven't been since 6th grade). Bonnie talks about how she is mushy and he shouldn't be afraid of the tattoos. And... Kristian is going into crazytown. She calls him the perfect man. HEY- HOLD YOUR CARDS!!! PLAY MYSTERIOUS!! DON'T BE PSYCHO. And... he plays the friendship card. Oh Lordie--- Heather pulls out the girls(her breasts) to make up for puking on the boat. AND kiss. WHOA! Lauren wants "to share really bad," and gossip. Here is the dirt:Arayan doesn't want kids (and is old). Vanessa is 32, and Lauren talks like she is 67. And Lauren is a catty bitch. Never the way to go. FYI- guys hate that catty girl shit. They don't get it- they aren't wired that way. I hope Melissa goes home- I might have to stop watching.

Oh yeah- Emme hosts this show. Mandy is in. Anna is in. We didn't really see much of them... Amanda- I don't even remember her in this episode. Malissa is a bitch- and is in. Christina is in. SHe looks at him like he's naked. Bonnie- der. Melissa cries again. Heather gets her ring. Lauren does too, so he can keep getting the dirt. Vanessa doesn't trust her. Danielle- don't remember her. Oh yeah, Tali looks like a dude. 2 rings left.... Melissa. ugh. She wears the worst dresses. And... drama drama... then he picks Kristian. The old lady is out, the red headed lawyer is out and some other chick. And she cries. Lawyer- misty eyed... and tears. Old lady.... she isn't that big, fyi. and... she cries... guess what!!?? that's 6. I am the winner. :)

OOOOOH! Next week is PROM! GOOD LORD, SOMEONE GET MELISSA SOME PROZAC!

A little experiment...

2009-08-01T12:53:00.002-07:00

So, after seeing numerous lame cat videos (yes, I watch cat videos) on youtube that had over 17,000 hits... I decided I could do the same thing. With the power of social media- I want to get this thing to 18,500 by Monday at Noon (AZ time). Think I can do it?

If you like it, blog it- tweet it- facebook it- myspace it- whatever. :) Let's get there!!

Knew It- More to Love? More like More to Lie About

2009-07-31T09:15:00.005-07:00

So- in case you didn't know, sometimes people on reality television shows embellish the truth in order to create a more interesting character. I know, I should have warned you to sit down. Well- apparently the slimy bachelor from More to Love (click here for my recap) is one of these people. I received an email from an equally addicted to reality tv co-worker this morning with evidence that the Big Bachelor used to be...wait for it..... a hunky high school football player. His ex-girlfriend (btw- fox should have given her $ early) told PopSugar that he was a stud, and released pictures of a time where he was supposedly "chubby." I will pause while you watch the link....

What a lying sleazeball, right!? No wonder he is perfectly comfortable flirting two girls at once, and making out with one while the other watched. It was probably a common occurrence every Friday night of 1998. I knew there was something fishy about that guy, because anyone who has really had their heart broken because of their weight/insecurities would be a little more sensitive of other's feelings.

Obviously he was just your classic high school football hero, and after he busted his knee freshman year of college, he lost his scholarship and joined a fraternity. From there, the booze pounds packed on. He probably couldn't keep his grades up, and landed a nice job at Hollywood Video. He stumbled upon an add on MySpace for a new realty show with some fatties, and he was like "this is IT!" Here is what I think his plan is.... get on this show... prove what a stud he is... pick some girl (only to break her heart) and then get some additional reality show about wanting to change his life, and be a healthier him. The new show chronicles his weight loss plan, etc. Because, I don't know if you have seen this, the Biggest Loser biggest successes are usually people that were former athletes. They have the drive/focus/experience but needed to get their asses back into the swing of things.

But now that everyone knows he wasn't really a chubster as he claims he was.... this is gonna get interesting. Will America forgive him for lying? The answer if, yes of course. Americans are stupid. I just hope Fox didn't spend too much money photoshopping him heavy in those HS pictures that they will no longer be able to use on the show.

And yes, I will of course keep watching the show. Puh-lease.

More to Love- My Next Application for TWOP

2009-07-28T20:04:00.005-07:00

SO- since I am not always the most regular blogger, and I know you miss me, I thought I would try to blog about a tv show again, and bring some of my loyal readers back. This time, a suggestion from a co-worker really hit the spot. More to Love, aka The Bachelor for the Big Boned. Crying crazy girls? Always good tv, no mater what size. So- here goes.

I just barely caught the beginning. I was TRYING again to keep reading this book I am trying to finish, and fell asleep AGAIN. That is a blog for another day. More to Love starts like the basic Bachelor show, meeting the Bachelor who pretends to be more modest than he is. And he tries to say he "just needs love." I believe him as much as I believed Andrew Firestone.

We obviously need a host, and the guy from the Bach isn't allowed. So, we get Emme- wasn't she on a reality show? I swear she was. Or maybe on at MTV special. Years of reality television has really done a number on my memory. Anyhow, she is a well known plus size model, and I bet her and the ANTM cycle 10 winner were the major runners fore the gig. Liv Tyler's sister is too edgy for this.

No type? All women are beautiful. Same shit the bachelor says. So, here comes the first limo... Gooo! Boobs. Melissa with the double E's. Christina starts the whining. Heather is crying in the first 5 seconds. She is gonna be fun. Cute dress. Punk rock princess Bonnie, who wants to bake a pie and be a wife. Amanda Awkward- never had a boyf. Michelle the California girl. a crier too. Shit, 8 minutes in, and half have cried. She talks about enjoying life. But she cries. I am confused.

SUPER Quick commercial- next limo. Pale girl Anna who is intensely tall. And he TOTALLY scans her ass. And I like her the best' as she quotes Pat Benetar "love is a battlefield." Natasha is a rocket scientist, and a big dork. she looks way older than 25. Lauren is officially schoolgirl creeper. She bear hugs him. Teal is a good color for her. vaness is a major flirter and a little creepy. Wait--- did i miss a girl? with a beehive and fishnets? Melissa- Not a cute dress. Danielle- never had a second date. Mandy,teaches him to salsa dance in her 15 seconds. Hmmm. She also looks older than 25. Tally is from NY, but born and raised in Israel. And a 12 tear old comes in... what's her name? Kristian... I swear she didn't say it. She' s a teacher. Sweet. Another slutty hugger. with heels and hair 6'2, I like it. Arianne... she is being honest with her age. Sandy- a "farm girl." Sure, I believe that. This is a big limo..... Shari is a yo-yo er. AND THE HIGH VOICED MAGALI. I am going to hit her. Natalia likes to cook, and he says he likes "anything thick and juicy." Perv. Another crier.

20 women. Go back and count and make sure I didn't miss any. I will wait.... So, he starts a speech about how everyone here has been hurt by someone, etc. Because apparently that is exclusive to heavy people. And everyone gets a diamond ring, as his promise that he will like them for who they are. What a novel concept. If they take the ring, they have to promise to do the same. "Somebody that's gonna look inside you," yes, she just said that. Way to start it off with something serious... don't we usually work UP to the ring?

He is 26, and gives the standard "it's so humbling to be around all these wonderful women." He is now talking to the 12 year old. He is such a player-player. She is head over heels. AND here is a girl who quit her job to be on reality tv. Good for her. I hope she gets voted off. Idiot. And, every girl in the mansion is totally "his type." Wait- I thought he didn't have one. And let's pause for a moment. That concept has never made any sense to me. I have had a type since kindergarten, when I fell in love with George Michael (this is when he was dating women, and cmon, I was 5). I have a thing for dark haired light eyed guys. Always have I don't see a problem with it. But, people like to pretend like they can't be pinned down, or put into a box, so let's let them keep thinking that.

Do we really need to keep asking what the favorite food products are? And here comes the girl fights and interruptions. He is snuggling with two girls on the couch (told you he was a player) and a few other girls shoot daggers. And we again talk about meat. Gross. WHOA! First kiss goes to Anna. ANOTHER MEAT JOKE. Look, I like meat on a stick as much as the next... anddddd the drunk girl. The "farm raised" one. This next chick has never been on a date, and she said she only thinks people ask her ask a joke. Like in Never Been Kissed- remember when they egged her? SAD. She is still high pitched and annoying. ugh. Maybe THAT''s why guys don't like you.

AND crazy bitch jumps in the pool. The one that is always the best friend to the guys. Holy crap- this guy sounds EXACTLY like Judge Reinhold. Haha. Bonnie is an asshole. I like her. She called this girl ridiculous- and said she looked like an otter. :)

Same problem as always... so many girls, so little time. Oh, and the rocket scientist that thinks she is in danger because she is too smart. Yeah, probably. This IS a reality show. And then girls are sitting around and talking about how awesome he is... and how much in love they are. Because they have known this guy for 25 minutes. Yup, it's real. When the Bach asks Melissa a question, I am a little creeped out.. he is a PERV. And he asks for a kiss. This guy is kinda slimy. Let me tell you, he pulls ALL kind of tail, big and small; I am SURE of it. I learned from the teaching of my roommate's brother. He was in a frat, and told his little bro- "dude- it's a numbers game. girls like confidence. just keep asking, and enough will say yes to keep you busy." It works. That said little bro, prolly a good four inches shorter, and 7 years older than me had me all up in a tizzy 5 years ago. I think this guy learned that same lesson.

Sad- everyone has to give their rings back... he will only give rings to girls that make it through. I am still really uncomfortable with this idea... rings signify way too much.

Elimination time... he feels honored, blah blah standard shit. The future Mrs. Connelly could be in thsi room. Yup. Love in reality tv always works. First girl- Anna the first kissing skeeze/gigantor tall girl. Melissa A.- the second loose lip girl. Surprise. Magali- meh. Heather- the cutest dress I think. Mandy- and some girls shoot daggers, for a reason I don't know. Amanda- okay. Vanessa- the red head. Has Bonnie done her hair three differnt ways? Tali? the NYer. Lauren- .... Bonnie- Thanks goodness, I thought she was gonna kill someone. Christina-she seems nice. Dani- looks like jumping in the pool worked out. If allt hese girls do is cry, I am not gonna be able to do this. Arian? cougar. kristian, the 12 year old. How are these rings all fitting perfectly? And Emme comes out for the "only one ring." She is nearly worthless thus far. You can FEEEEEEL the desperation in this room. Mel B. One of the biggest criers, and the ugliest dress.

Now it's time for the awkward goodbyes. Fake "wish you the bests," and "great to meet yous." And he calls them al sweetie. Why is it so bright outside? Wasn't it night time? These exit interviews are depressing. Surprise, the rocket scientist is gone. And they don't even give her an exit interview.

And now he ends with the standard "humbling, etc." It may actually be the exact quote from earlier.

Clips from the future... this looks like it's gonna be good. Drama, prom, throwing flowers, make outs... yes. I am there.

I Used to LIKE The Dentist

2009-07-27T10:35:00.005-07:00

Dear Dental Hygienist,

We have know each other for over 12 years now, and although we only see each other every 6 months, I feel like we have a good realtionship. You tell me stories about your kids (that you mention less now that they are older) and I pretend like you care when you ask how work is. You have seen me grow through High School and College, and now as a young professional. It is now then, that I ask you to stop nagging me about flossing like I am 6, and to stop punishing me by attacking my gums to teach me a lesson.

My family has all used your services. I have stuck up for you when they called you the Nazi, and they switched to another hygienist in the office. I figured they just didn't brush as often as I did, and I (especially the last few years) have had wonderful check ups. 27 years without a cavity should say something (knock, knock). But now that it is two hours after my appointment, and I am still tender- I felt I should let you know a few things.

One- People like you make it tough for people to come back to the dentist regularly. There are many people that go YEARS between check ups. I have never missed an appointment, and I felt guilty when one time I went 8 months between cleanings. I brush twice every day, and I wear my bite guard to prevent the grinding. Even with this track record you condescendingly berate me for my not so stellar flossing. Guess what!? Those last few times when you said I had been doing a really great job flossing.... I had been- FOR A WEEK BEFORE SO YOU DIDN'T NAG ME! Apparently one really good week makes up for 5 months without it. :) This time, I got busy and forgot, and honestly didn't expect that that much "calcification" had built up. But you sure showed me- by digging your scraper into every area of my gums. I can only imagine what it would be like if I had waited two years... I probably would have had to be placed under anesthesia! So- maybe lighten up a little on the scrapping.

Next- You have a super high tech system that tells you every tooth's history, can't it also tell you that I despise cherry polish? I believe I have said something at least 4 times. I swear that last time you made a note. But today, instead of minty freshness, I got that lame cherry bubble gum. I am an adult. Seriously.

Also- When you floss for me to finish out the torture session, it isn't a race. You don't need to jam the floss in... Have you thought that the harsh way you S&M my teeth with the floss might be part of the reason that I I don't like to do it myself?

Finally- When the dentist comes in to do his final overview, you don't need to rat me out to him about the flossing, I get it. Next time, why don't you just floss me and say "just WAIT till the dentist hears about THIS." That's pretty much what it feels like.

I will see you again in 6 months. Please be sure that you have paid attention to my suggestions. If not, next time I am switching ladies too.

xoxo,

Marissa

A Diet Pointer for Everyone

2009-07-26T19:36:00.007-07:00

So, I have been dieting the past month. I won't get into the details, because everyone has a different idea of what is best. I know what works for me (down 13 lbsish- forgot to weigh myself at the beginning) so whatev. I have some pretty strict guidelines; that is usually what works best for me. No grey area, no room to cheat. I will be gradually getting back to real healthy stuff- but my idea is you've gotta do something to jump start the loss. Anyway..... I have been following to a T. Makes life a little depressing sometimes, but the joy of slipping on skinnier jeans makes it all worthwhile. One thing that helps me get through is the Food Network. Some may say "what! why torture yourself?" Because I can't smell it. I just get to see it. On Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives this morning, I saw some pretty amazing stuff. I had also just eaten breakfast, so I was full. That helped. The boyf, in an effort to be supportive, asked if I really wanted to be watching something like this right now. I told him it was kinda like porn. You know, it really isn't cheating, but it gives you a great feeling.

I am glad he is supportive, because it is LOVE weight anyhow. You know, that comfy weight you get when you can eat whatever, and aren't so careful about exercising because you don't have to slip into skinny jeans and heels on a Saturday night on the prowl. It really is nice, but then you look at yourself and think... wait a minute... people are prolly looking at us wondering "was she fat BEFORE they got together, or has she gotten fat since? She must have a really great personality!" Oh c'mon. You know YOU have wondered about people. I won't lie, I have. Anyway, the combo of that and having my littlest sister look like ME, and me look like the SWOLLEN me in all the family photos lately got me into gear.

I won't be updating weekly on the diet, it isn't what the blog is about (wait, does the blog really even have a central theme?). Just wanted to let everyone know that if you are looking to eat something you aren't supposed to, maybe just watch Food Network instead. It isn't cheating. :)

An Open Lettter to Big Booty Girls

2009-07-24T09:42:00.004-07:00

Dear Big Booty Girls,

On this casual Friday, I would like to take a moment to address a few concerns about proper wardrobe. As a big booty girl myself, I understand exactly what you are going through. However, some of you seem to think that you can follow fads, and make them work for you. Allow me to shed some light on this, and let you know how it really is.

Those skinny tapered jeans that the Emo kids wear are NOT FOR US. Anything that is tapered is a no-no. This goes for those old mom jeans that go up to your ribcage. No good. Both styles make you look wider/lumpier. A better fit would be boot cut.

However- for the boot cut, please look at a size BIGGER than the one you usually wear. This helps to prevent the over spill, sometimes known as "muffintop." It also helps to not wear the lowest rise... perhaps the one that hits just below/at your belly button is best. Believe me, it took me awhile to learn this lesson, and half of the University of Arizona saw my whale tail.

Color is an important thing to consider as well. White is not a good jeans color for anyone over a size 2, really. I don't know why they make them. They automatically add a minimum of ten, and maximum of 58 lbs. Also, jeans with intense whiskering, or extreme highlighting are not so great either. On one level, I think they just look trashy. But on a booty conscious level.... they don't work.

Please know, I am not by any means saying that big booties are bad. I have one. Have all my life. No matter how much weight I lose, the booty stays. What I am saying is cherish it. Highlight it. Make it the feature in a positive way!

Thank you for your time,

Ms. New Booty

Don't pack my lunch, ma- let me pack some heat!

2009-07-17T15:02:00.002-07:00

I was looking at some articles on Digg, and came across this interesting story. Two children, 8 and ten, left home alone thwarted an attempted robbery and attack by SHOOTING one of the criminals.

I find a few things wrong here:

- you left a ten year old in charge
- you have a gun easily accessible to this ten year old
- one of the suspects was 15 years old!!!
- another suspect had just gotten out of JAIL for assaulting a cop and 2 charges of carjacking
- and had only served 7 YEARS for those crimes!

And this mother sounds like a real rocket scientist too:

"He did what I told him to do. I never told him to get the gun, but thank God he did," she said.

"It's just hard. I don't understand why they[suspects] would do that. I know they have little brothers and sisters and they wouldn't want anyone to break into their house," said the mother.

Wow.

Jon and Kate- not so great

2009-06-23T10:05:00.004-07:00

In case you have been living under a rock these past few months, Jon and Kate (last names irrelevant to me) are splitting up. Imagine that.... a couple with a set of twins and a set of quads- being followed around by television cameras- thrown(willingly) into the media spotlight- offered book deals and LOTS of money are having marriage problems. Big surprise. Here is the part that pisses me off. You want cameras to follow you around and watch you parent because you have a different angle- Ok. I never really watched the show- but I have friends that love it. But when your marriage is in such turmoil that you aren't speaking to each other- you are taking separate vacations- basically only co-existing for the "benefit of the kids," how about YOU DON'T RENEW FOR THE NEXT SEASON!!!!??? Divorce is hard enough on the families; why INVITE the world in to see it in action? Be grown ups, and protect your kids from this nonsense. You can't control what the tabloids say- but you can prevent a film crew from documenting your awkward tension and incredible disdain for each other. This is REALITY TELEVISION. It is scripted and warped to create a great storyline. And while Kate may say ....

"Over the course of this weekend, Jon's activities have left me no choice but to file legal procedures in order to protect myself and our children," she said. "While there are reasons why it was appropriate and necessary for me to initiate this proceeding, I do not wish to discuss those reasons at this time, in the hope that all issues will be resolved amicably between Jon and myself. As always, my first priority remains our children."

...that is complete bullshit. If your first priority were your children, tv production would be shut down and you would take care of them during this transition, instead of pimping them out to secure your next book tour. Nonsense. Please stop watching this show! These people are disgusting.

Al Roker- Hard Hitting Journalist

2009-06-15T10:33:00.003-07:00

In case you never turn it to NBC, let me fill you in on the last few weeks. They are coming to you "live" from Costa Rica (?) with "I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!" 4 nights a week. "Celebrities" like Lou Diamond Phillips and Frangela compete to stay on the island. Kinda like Big Brother meets Surreal Life meets Survivor. Heidi ans Spencer from The Hills were on again, off again with the show. After leaving the show last week- I thought I had NBC back... until their interview with Al Roker. You know Al Roker- the teddy bear, sweet and cuddly weatherman on NBC's Today Show? Apparently his evil twin interviewed "speidi" because here is what they had to say:

"To be honest, I would never be interviewed by that man again...I really would advise women especially to be careful around him, because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me, and I did not appreciate that at all," groused Heidi.

Right- Al Roker the misogynist pig. I hope he sues her for slander. (click on the link to watch him attack Heidi with verocity!)

Al's response (via twitter): "Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. famous for...being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15."

From your lips to God's ears, Al. :)

well- obvi

2009-06-09T14:24:00.003-07:00

In case you ladies were maybe holding out some hope of carrying a cute little Glambert baby.... Adam Lambert, American Idol runner up officially came out on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Good thing my roommate still has her subscription- since I canceled my "free if you buy a certain amount at Best Buy" subscription a few months ago. I am excited to read more, especially after this little nugget:

"Lambert also revealed a crush on Allen, who was his roommate for much of the two singers' run on "American Idol."

"He's the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show: nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type -- except that he has a wife," Lambert joked."

Welcome to my world, Adam.... welcome to my world.

I'm A Blogger, Don't Make Me Watch It!!

2009-06-01T18:59:00.004-07:00

So- I have really done a shitty job in keeping up with this in the past week and a half... so, I'm sorry.

So- my boyf suggested that i blog about "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," and I thought it was pure genius. I am taking it like Joel McKale- I watch it, so you don't have to. This will be wonderful.

How do I know Damien Fahey? he looks familiar... MTV? And then there is the token british/australian host that is hot.

wait a second..... this is Monday - Thursday?!?! I don't know what I am doing...

Boyf asked how they are "live" when they showeds all this extra footage. I remind him that they have been on the island for 48 hours at this point..

Here is ther cast:

-The "world's first supermodel" Janice Dickinson.
- Flesh colored beard, Spencer "the super villain"
- Heidi, his idiot "wife" that thinks this is a spa vacation
- Some wrestling diva- Tori Wilson- the boyf is familiar with her
- Stephen Baldwin- the least cool Baldwin brother.
- Frangela- from Best Week Ever, back when it was good- that gap toothed guy sucks
- LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS! La bamba- who just wanted to be relevant again
- Sanjaya- the "vote for the worst" goober. And he has a long haired mohawk.
- Some NBA guy who is afraid of spiders
- The Blagoyavich ( i don't care about spelling this correctly) wife- that isn't a celebrity- crazy that her husband wasn't allowed to travel...

So- First seven minutes- bloggo's wife is nearly taken away by the current. Thank you Heidi, for the running commentary.

Wait- apparently that was only one team... there are teams? There are more D- list celebrities to see? But then we go back to the same people we know--- and half of frangela falls in the water. apparently the fran part. She is hanging in there- and stephen is concerned because she is a chubbo. Baldwin has elected himself as team leader. I give it 6 hours before the team revolts. he is uber condescending. Does Frangela count as one person?

Okay- apparently the red team is Janice, Speidi and the basketball player, John. Heidi asked if the monkey in the tree is real... and then Spencer yells at it. Oh- and bloggo's wife is red team too. This show sucks.

Surprise! The camp is like Swiss Family Robinson. Janice Dickinson looks even worse without makeup. Heidi says " I don't know if I can really do this." I was thinking the same thing... Are Heidi and Spencer one person too?

Oh- the biritish girl was a "celebrity" on the British version... that apparently makes her relevant. Has NBC just given up? This bullshit plus Jay every night in prime time... I mean, really?

So yellow and red are at camp together, and Sanjaya is exhausted. So- the big basketball guy is a vegan......

Heidi and Spencer have a creepy conversation about how they can't snuggle, etc- and how she can't NOT have sex with him for that long. I get the idea of not being able to have sex for three weeks- but if I were in a fake television relationship with Spencer Pratt, sex would be the last thing on my mind. And..... there are Spencer and Heidi ready to leave. Lou Diamond Phillips says, "but hey- the charities won't get any money if you leave," and Spencer says "that's why we picked two of the biggest charities there are." Good attitude.

HAHAHA. He says that the cast is devaluing his fame. Actually, I think that is his flesh colored beard. Oh God- it has only been 26 minutes..... I am beginning to think this is a bad idea.

These hosts are essentially worthless. Hey, What do you know? The Heidi and Spencer saga is not over. Lou Diamond Phillips is attempting to be the voice of reason. I actually want to hang out with him, because he realizes that they are posers.

Wait- Sanjaya's lower third says "pop star." On what planet? did he release an album? Now he and Speidi do a fire dance while everyone is asleep.

Earlier- I said I would give it until 7:45 before I gave up. It is 7:33, and I just looked over at the boyf.... he told me to hang in there.....

So Speidi tries to leave again, and in response to their bullshit, the rest of the "celebrities" divide up their stuff. Frangela takes Heidi's hairspray- and then we see a clip of Speidi back- and PISSED. Surprise!!

I look at the boyf- I ask him to give me strength (hey, it worked for speidi).

Commercial for Conan o'Brien. Now, THAT is a show that I can get on board with.

Spencer said he is going to cook Sanjaya for dinner for taking their cot. And then things really escalate when Spencer tosses the water bottle out of fran's hands.... And here is the jerry springer aspect... let's yell. And then Heidi has her Oscar moment and cries about people taking the labels off her dry shampoo. And Janice takes Spencer's side. BLAH BLAH YELL BLAH Spencer gets attention. And then the Baldwin says "I've heard of Juingle fever- but this is crazy!" And apparently- Spencer is a new Christian... Heidi says he is having trouble transitioning.

Wait- I think i got the fran and gela confused. They talk about how speidi are like kids, and how they say "mommy, I hate you. and you can't get mad- because they don't really hate you, they just wanted a balloon." How true.

Now we get to hear spencer's game plan on how to build alliance.... it reminds me of the speech in Billy Madison... The link is my response.

Now the hosts are introducing themselves, and announce that instead of the red and yellow teams, it is men vs women... Speidi is not pleased. Or so they WANT YOU TO THINK! Apparently, it is spencer and heidi vs EVERYONE!!

Spencer hides torrie's bag. And heidi is proud, because he didn't throw it in the water. And then... he apologizes, apparently because that is WJWD. But it was all part of Spencer's evil plan... what a fucking tool. I have made it an hour in... I deserve a present.

There is a heavy dsicussion about whether we watch the next hour...

my reward for making it an hour is some cheese. Now it is food challenge time. They have a cheesy little "jungle diner" ANd Heidi is running her mouth. guys v. girls to win food. One team eats well (chicken and fruit), the other eats rice and beans. Heidi v. the basketball vegan eating a rat tail. BBAll guy just swallows it. Beats heidi. Sanjaya vs fran. some kind of animal milkshake. Sanjaya slups it up, and gets the white cream all over his face... gonna say this isn't the first time that has happened.

Then I missed a little because I chose to clean up cat litter. I got my cat, Baxter a self cleaning litter box a few months back. Let's just say self cleaning isn't excalty true. He makes a mess.

They go through some more... and then Heidi vs. the basketball guy- and he again, just picks up the scorpions and swallows. Then Sanjaya vs. fran or gela- and he deep throats an iguana tail. That is the key- manageable bites then swallow. You think heidi would know how to swallow. Ok- I am done with the gutter humor. ;)

Oh, hey- did you know that Bloggo's wife thinks that he was always doing the right thing for people? He helped the kids- and was "fighting special interests," and the big money didn't like him. Here is how I know that Bloggo is guilty-> Spencer would vote for him for president. The rest of this conversation doens't matter.

Team leaders are selected... Lou vs. Janice. Something happened.. Lou won. I was taking a facebook quiz. And anyone who knows me knows I REALLY hate those... so-

It is time for the immunity trial, in the trauma tank. Heidi- we get it with the dry shampoo. Stephen was bitten by a "bullet ant."

BTW- if you were afraid of a jungle animal- would you tell anyone? wouldn't you think they would present you with this animal JUST to make good tv? geez. so whichever celeb lasts the longest in the tank ges immunity.

All the celebs are strapped in, minus spencer and heidi- not sure why... then the girls drop like flies after cockroaches and some worms. torrie and stephen have it right. just close your eyes- the bugs aren't going to crawl on you....

and now there is more for tomorrow- apparently... don't know who is gonna watch it. Boo.

This is IT-Make No Mistake Where You Are..the Waiting is OVER! (Idol Recap)

2009-05-20T18:44:00.006-07:00

In case you were wondering, I LOVE Kenny Loggins(hence the title). I thought I would be more excited about this night... but I am slightly lackadaisical. I also have a headache- but that makes no difference to you all. I need to get my head in the game.

So-opening montage.... made it look like there was actually a competition last night. For anyone who actually watched it, that is not the case. Joely Fisher is in the audience- and Janice Dickinson. It is the "hottest ticket in town," Ryan says.

100 million votes came in. Really? Do they round up? Is it really 98,567,008 and they bump up? How does that work?

In the judges intro- Ryan cues a video for each of them, making it seem sweet, when all they do is point out their faults. Love it. Randy looks like an idiot... AND THEN THE MOST AMAZING MONTAGE of "for me." Because, in case you didn't know, there are 25 words in his vocabulary, including : yo, dawg, pitchy, you know, didn't feel it, not your thing. Hahaha. Kara's montage includes "honey/sweetie." Which can be SO condescending. Or maybe I am just sensitive. ;) What are they gonna do for Paula? Haha. All the big words she could mutter out. It' great being sober, isn't it Paula? Simon- instead of highlighting that he is the only one worth a damn- they go the way of listing all the times he couldn't hear/didn't get it.

So, the finalists come out in white. And Kris's mik is messed up. AND Adam's.... WHO IS RUNNING THIS SHOW?!?!?!? I love it when they go to their hometowns and rally. In Arkansas, they interview a 4 year old. What does she matter, she can't even dial. In San Diego, last season's tattoo lady is reporting live. She is from San Diego, and mentions how she couldn't bring home the trophy, so Adam better do San Diego proud.

Haha... the best time of this finale... previews of the upcoming tour.. "SO What" with the full 13- I can't believe Pink let them dork up her song like this. Have some standards, seriously. There is some dude up there I totally forgot about. That Puerto Rican guy. Scott is doing an amazing job with the choreography(seriously-I am pleasantly surprised). Hopefully he will be an inspiration to Stevie Wonder, who will get up from behind the piano. Wow. I totally forgot about all these ass clowns. And when you see them all together, it is so obvious that Adam stands out as awesome. I didn't even see Kris...

David Cook, last year's winner is here performing. I was wondering when we where bringing him on. I forgot that there was this two hour bullshit of performances from him, and the lame mixes for the tour and apparently some Surprise Guest performance we won't believe. You should have heard the local fox idiots trying to guess who it would be on last night's show. I swear, I feel dumber watching the Phoenix news. NBC is my morning watching, because Scott and Tram really ARE the perfect morning blend. But as far as the rest of these ass clowns- idiots. Anyone who moves here from a REAL big city can't believe it. It's embarrassing, really. David Cook was sensitive tonight. I don't know that I remember that from him. He looks like a waiter. Did his brother die or something? Sad- I think so. The proceeds of the sale of this song on ITunes are going to some cancer research. That is what I am talking about for Idol Gives Back. God for them.

So now the lame portion where the ass clowns from auditions get one more minute of fame. This is the garbage that is so fake during the audition process. How many of these people realize how bad they are, and how many are total fakers with an itch to get on tv. I feel kinda bad for those that don't know how bad they are. They stand up there totally dejected as even Paula laughs at them. You would think I would be all over that shit. But not when the people aren't in on the joke. The obvious winner for spazziest male is that dude in the metallic shirt that made the top 30 with his dorkiness. He comes up to accept the award. And says some garbage about not being prepared, and just before I was going to bitch about the Idol producers needing to have more control He throws off the jacket and gets his performance on. See- this guy knows exactly what he is doing- trying to start a comedy career. More power to him.

Duet- Something about rain with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifa. Lil Rounds looks great with hair extensions. She actually looks her age. Not like a 35 year old housewife. Queen Latifah's outfit is no bueno. It is kinda like that Jessica Simpson problem, where the outfit makes her look 30 pounds heavier. I bet the people from Jenny Craig are PISSED. Women across the country are pushing away their pre-packaged lasagna casseroles and digging out the ice cream.

So Anoop and that blonde short haired girl start to butcher "I'm Yours." They were probably nervous, becomes then Jason Mraz enters. Harmonies are weird. And that blonde girl sounds like she is starring in "I'm Yours-In the Butt." Seriously- heavy breathing moaning. Terrible. And the full idol cast joins in for the chorus. Can I tell you- If I were a celebrity, I would not be able to attend this night, because I would make faces and laugh at people.

And now a Kris Allen video montage-We remember that Simon told him from the beginning that he needs to grow a pair and stopped being so modest. AND they totally show his beauty queen surprise face that was so beautiful a few episodes ago. His wife is goober. He is now singing with Keith Urban. This is a cute little song about kissing a girl. Perfect for Kris because it is so sweet and unassuming. What the hell is Keith Urban wearing. I think somebody switched his shirt with some 3rd grader's backstage.

Weren't they going to have a green finale or something? Because that is a crazy light display. Hmmmm.

So now the girls are doing "Glamorous." A song from Fergie- two years ago. Their outfits are stupid, and Megan sounds like shit. Oh- because Fergie is here. Looking like a dominatrix. Why is she booked? She doesn't have a new album, does she? Because she isn't singing from it. OH. Here come the Black Eyed Peas. THAT'S RIGHT. They have a new album. Yeah, let's have Fergie stick to back up. I actually really like this song- Boom Boom Boom. This reminds me of those single days that I would spend at "Whiskey River," drinking 25 cent Jack Daniels from 7-9, and then drunkenly dancing to this stuff until at least midnight. It was like a weekend in the middle of the week. And I would make it into work the next morning, ready to rock at 6:30 am. Those were the days. Now I am all coupled up- and way to old.

Next winner for the golden idols. fucking Bikini Girl. I hated her so much. This girl- Alexis who flipped up Simon when he told her she couldn't sing. She was weird. And then there are these people that suck so bad- and don't know it- and are supported by family. And the lame Bikini Girl comes in.... Duh. And she kisses Ryan on the lips and he says the best thing ever..."I was gonna ask you what's new- but I think I know." Because she totally got new boobs. Now she is singing again. Go to the strip club, that is where you belong. Hahah... and now Kara comes in and proves to her that she can sing.... I don't know that bikini girl knew about it... and that is awesome. Because she just looks like an idiot up there next to Kara. And tries to sing over her... Kara is a goober for sure, but she is comfortable enough in her talent and femininity that she doesn't have to prove how great she is by bouncing about in a bikini doing scales. and KARA OPENS UP HER DRESS AT THE END REVEALING A BIKINI UNDERNEATH. That is awesome. Apparently a bet went down, so now Ryan Simon has to pay out to some charity. Wonderful television right there.

Allison and Cyndi Lauper- Rad. I would pay to see this. Allison is so talented. Can't wait for her album. Megan the spac needs to take some cues from Cyndi Lauper- A unique voice that isn't annoying and lame. I am amazed that Allison is totally unfazed by the fact that she is doing a duet with Cyndi Lauper. I would SHIT my pants. I am always amazed at how she carries herself at 17. In stage, at least. Because otherwise she has no personality. I think Cyndi actually came to more than one rehearsal for this. Because they sound amazing together. Awesome. Period. That right there was better than all of last night's show.

Okay- Kris Allen's parents. She is in an evening gown. His dad totally looks like a politician. I think he should run for office in Arkansas. He would totally win. Oh- now we realize that Adam is actually here. Parents are proud.

Ugh- Danny Gokey gets to perform... AND HE DOES LIONEL RICHIE. When I heard this the first time, I thought it was perfect. Slow and jazzy, and lame and the type of song an ass clown would sing, thinking it was about love. Hello, Lionel Richie- Does he have a new album? WTF is he doing here. Where is Nicole? This is so 90's, and LAME and
Caribbean." And it fits exactly what I mentioned above. This is really a perfect pairing of cheese. Gokey would have been a hit in 94. I can't wait to see the "where is he now" episode in a few years, where he has packed on the LBs, singing in casinos and bearded. HAHA Ruben Studdard is here. What a fail of an Idol he was. That whole season was a cluster fuck. Kinda like "Nightmare on Elm Street 2." That was a waste of brain power.

In case you were wondering- I will not be blogging about SO YOU Think You Can Dance. For a few reasons- mary murphy screaming and two nights of blogging. So- It will prolly be bachelorette. It works better in my schedule, and let's be serious. I don't get paid for this, so I gotta make it work.

And now the video montage of Adam. I don't really remember him in the auditions. And he has gotten microdermabrasion, so that is good. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HE IS WEARING A JACKET WITH BARBED WIRE WINGS. I know that I know this song, but I can't place it. Something about Beth, and how he can't make it because him and the boys will be playing all night. And Adam sings it kinda dirty, like- all those who aren't sure- I am talking about playing with the dudes in a sexual manner. And then KISS. So, Adam is the most normal looking person on stage right now. Holy shit, this is amazing. I want to rock and roll all night and party every day in detroit rock city. Well- I think we know who is the real rock star of these two finalists. Let's not even pretend anymore.

It's 8:23, and we haven't had the Ryan "right after this..." yet. Thank you to whomever decided to actually put content in a episode for once.

So- Carlos Santana is up. Apparently he has a two year gig at Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Hm. I love his guitar skills- we will just have to see what the show would consist of. Because if it was two hours of him playing guitar- Her is my money. But if it is two hours of him playing guitar while lame Vegas performers sing- no bueno. So- Matt came in and did the vocals for black magic woman. And now Smooth- One of my least favorite songs ever. Adam- the puerto rican guy- Kris- and the Gokester Sing. Adam's ass looks fat in those pants. Then this weird full cast sing a long in the round. HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Scott got a little to close to the stage for my liking. And Megan is next to him, so I don't trust that he is safe. She might use her witch power to push him off, hands free.

The last Ford Video. Weird. And now- a big surprise for Adam and Kris with David Cook- keys to a new fusion hybrid. And Adam laughs. Great.

Steve Martin- Megan Joy and David Sarver. Would you ever imagine that in your wildest dreams? I am chatting online with the boyf, and he says "steve martin is playing a fucking banjo."The creative director for this show needs a raise. Did they all just come up with the craziest ideas, and then say- we can do it- we are American Idol- we can do whatever we want- we are Ameri-fucking Idol. This is a cute little bluegrass number- Sarver is a little out of place- but who else would agree to sing with Megan? The vampire and the witch. Perfection. Steve Martin is asked who he thinks will win- "I know it is a long shot, but I hope it's me." Rad.

Lame group sing with A Rod Stewart song. All the dudes. If you want my body..... I can let you know that there is really only one dude up there that I would halfway consider in a sexual fashion. And he is married, so- no luck. And here is Rod Stewart. In a plaid jacket. He sounds like SHIT. So, at what point does an artist need to realize that the lyrics he is singing no longer are relevant. Rod Stewart is far passed school age. Maggie should meet him in the nursing home. Let's be real. OMG - Bo Bice, singing along. I couldn't have written this episode if I tried. Bravo, Idol. Why does Rod Stewart get a full 3 minutes with no Idol back up? Who wrote HIS contract?

Now the Golden Idol for best female. Simon is amazing. Three losers, and then Tatiana. Then ut job with a voice. Is she on prescription pain meds? Wow- my headache was gone. And out comes Tatiana as the winner. And then lame interlude where Ryan pretends like she can't come on stage, because they are running out of time. She of course, comes up anyway. If we really didn't need her on stage- we would cut her mik. Next.

Now an Adam and Kris duet.... Queen. We are the Champions. I was waiting for Adam to do Queen. And tha stage is opening, and there is Queen, minus the obvious Freddie Mercury (this is for my homies). I really like the idea of "WE" are the champions, since everyone is a winner. False. There is only one winner. And this is my least favorite Queen song. Top faves are tied with Somebody to Love and Fat Bottomed Girls (because it is my anthem). But- great performance.

Alright- 9 pm... let's get judges final words... Simon says- warm and fuzzies, and is very Paulaesque- and it is weird. All right- the adjudicator comes out with the envelope. Telescope has certified the result. New record with ALMOST 100million votes. Thanks for the real number.

.......... Kris Allen won. An Ryan Seacrest looks shocked. Probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. Well- we were "ready" for a black president, but not a gay Idol. Hm. I love that Kris Allen fully says - Adam deserves this. And now they have a lame trophy. He is totally dumbfounded. I don't want to take anything away from Kris. Talented guy for sure. But as far as ready to be mass produced- Adam. Period. And I can't believe that the crazy dialing was done for Kris based purely on talent. And that saddens me. I know that some people got tired of Adam being so showy and perfect. They were over it. Well Bible Belt- you got us back for the Democrat takeover. (hate mail can be sent to- kissmyass@gmail.com)

Let's Dance- The Last Dance (Idol Recap)

2009-05-19T19:11:00.003-07:00

So, I am late again. Work. It is crazy.

So- I stopped by Qdoba and picked up a burrito bowl and some queso- because I deserve it. I like Chipotle's food better, but this was on the way home, and had Queso. Which I need. I am an emotional eater. I got the chips with it, which I didn't need- but didn't have time to argue, and I am glad I did. CP and Molly- great lime flavor. Almost too good to dip.

So, across the country tonight, family and friends are gathering around televisions glued to the Idol finale. It is amazing when you find out who secretly LOVES the show. I found out today a guy that I work with on some of my programs is addicted. And this I.T. chick I know from Edward Jones. American Idol crosses barriers. Including one barrier- the gay/straight. I would not be surprised if across the country there are "We're Here, We're Queer, We're Idols!" parties were being held. Which would be amazing. AND there have got to be some "Real American Values" parties being held as well... whatever that means. I hope that I am able to have a talk with my kids in 20 years, and have them say to me "why were people so weird about all that gay/straight stuff?" You know, kinda like I asked my dad about the "black/white thing" after he told me about the race riots in Chicago when he was in High School. We shall see.... okay- down from the soap box- back to the show.

I walk in with ten minutes already passed. Here we go-

Adam-

It obviously was not this dramatic an entrance before... he first did this when he was still a little "rough." Before he removed some piercings and such. He looks tanner... in a good way. rocking the trench and the fingerless gloves... Good choice, because it showcases his vocal range and sensitive side (ha ha kris). Randy gives it an A+. Kara loves the choice- blah blah- artistry. What. Anthony Hopkins is there? Paula has a great green on... but she is too tan. too many words.... Simon says it was a little over theatrical and very Phantom. And Randy makes an excellent point, and says it is very Twilight. This now sparks an Edward vs. "whatever the hell the other dudes name is" debate across the country. Here is a hint ladies- they are both FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

Kris Allen video- crap, I guess that means I missed an Adam home video. You know, where his dad says- "I wish my son liked sports, but I guess this is ok." OMG- Kris doing "Ain't No Sunshine." Love it. This is when he started to be a favorite for me. Not only because it is an amazing song, but because few can sing it and hit the right pain. He nails it, and jazzed it up a little but not in a Dorky Gokey way. There is this end I don't really remember.... Kris's wife looks like she is going to prom. Ha. Randy needs a better fitting jacket. And the Lakers suck. Kara is really starting to get kinda Paulaish- and rambles about feelings, and blah blah. Paula talks about spirit and artistry. Simon- thanks for bringing the competition idea back- Simon says he deserves to be here, after maybe doubting it last week. Kris is looking very confident... Round one winner prediction- Kris.

And I just saw the first "american values" nod... camera in to some chick that is IN Kris's family area that is holding a baby Not his wife. Maybe his sister. We don't care about his wife and her title (she never really got recognized after Simon pretty much said "hide her") but NOW that it saves America from gay takeover, let's put it in.

Songs by Simon Fuller is the next category. Not Cowell- the other one.

Adam- Change is Gonna Come- Nice message of hope. :) He's got the gray suit that everyone loved. This songs is going to make the gay fan base rally the dialing fingers. I LOVE IT. How does he hit these notes? Crap. He does this little "squat like i gotta pee" move that is not so cute... but there is a nice strong ending. You can tel he was thinking about something different behind those vocals. Simon Fuller is a genius. Still like Cowell better. So- Is Kris gonna come out and sing "God Bless America?" Because that would be an excellent rebuttal. I am getting tired of recapping Kara. Paula says it was the best she has heard him sing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, as she helicopters over her head. Simon Cowell says he is back in the game- as if this won't flip flop all night.

KATIE HOLMES AND SURI!

Kris- "What's Going On" I think some people might remember the Cyndi Lauper version, but the Marvin Gaye's is better. And Kris is adding his sweet little Jason Mraz kick to it. It is a song about understanding, and not hate and war and violence... interesting. Why do I read so much into song lyrics? And the Idol produces KNOW they are feeeeeeeeding into the battle- as they should. Randy likes it but says it wasn't big enough. Kara-blah blah hand pointing. Simon says is was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. Hahaha. Too laid back for a night like this. Kris is denied mic time. But gives us his winning smile. Thank you Ryan for pointing out the obvious symbolism. Already there, buddy. And Simon says that %1000 Adam won that round. Yes., there should be three zeros.

So now we have the "both sing the same song" song. ADDED bonus- we have a judge songwriter. Kara, in case you were wondering. She helps with some of Kelly Clarkson's stuff. This song always sucks. Adam is like "bring it the eff on. I will go higher and deeper- blah blah dreams." Randy blah blah sing the phonebook- but he hated it. Kara drops names, and is moved and proud. And he makes some lame comment about the song being beautiful. Paula can't find words. Surprise. Cowell- Hahaha. He makes a joke on the mountains and hurricanes in the song. :) He calls him original, etc. He believes that they have found a worldwide star in Adam.

Ryan calls him a class act when he says that he was excited about the challenge to sing something different- you know, instead of pulling a Gokey and saying it wasn't his thing. I am so glad that tool is gone. I wouldn't have had the energy to blog about his ridiculousness tonight.

OMG! I totally forgot that GLEE is TONIGHT! My day just got better. How do I forget that, you ask? I am a busy girl.

Kris's turn at the lame song. It sounds awful, and kinda flat. He gets an A for effort in the middle. Ugh, this song sucks. Adam makes it not seem SO awful, so by default, I give him the win on this one. Even his family isn't impressed. Kara doesn't want him to be judged on that song... vote on the season. HAHAH. Right, that is what Americans are know for, remembering the full measure of some one's worth, not just the sound bite they heard on Extra last night. So- the judges pretty much say "it's been cool knowing you dude." Man- I wish he would have put up more of a fight at the end. I feel deflated...

This is kinda the feeling after Justin and Kelly's finale. She rocked it, and he showed up and didn't mess up horribly. She had been the favorite all along, and he squeezed by with his winning smile. They all knew it was just a final step in the process, and it didn't mean anything, really.

Tomorrow= two hours, and schedule your dvr, cuz they'll go long, Ryan says. Shouldn't they be looking at their script tonight and finding a place to cut a few minutes? I am sure we can remove a few "coming up, right after the break" bits. Gimmie the script- I'll take care of it.

I love these montages, where we are reminded of all those hot messes that graced the stage. We've really come a long way, baby.

Na na na na... na na na na-- Hey Hey Hey Gokey's Gone (Idol Recap- sorry I spoiled it)

2009-05-13T20:26:00.004-07:00

Alright- I think it is really fucking time I get a DVR. I just left book club so that I could come home for Idol, and I missed the first 25 minutes. So- keep that in mind while you read. One good thing- I probably missed the lame trips home. I prolly would have made fun of some third grader, and been called an asshole. Anyway.... (also-I want to show everyone right now. It is ANYWAY, not ANYWAYS- ANYWAYS is not a word.)

I walk in at 8:25, and Kris is onstage. He is given criticism, and sent to the couch with Danny Gokey. They are both bottom two, right? Did we just stop dicking with America, and let them know that Adam was safe early? That would have been my vote. Because, "seriously, really?!?"

Jordin Sparks is performing... she is cute. And from Arizona. We like to claim our local celebrities. Funny story- I have totally drank with her pop. Last year (maybe two), my roommate and I went to our local watering hole to watch a University of Arizona basketball game that wasn't on tv... or maybe it was football. It was football. Anyway, there was this cool guy at the end of the bar talking to us about our team, and this that and the other. He went to ASU, so we started some smack talking. And he drank Glenlivet, so he was cool. Anyway, he left- wishing us luck, and being an all around sweet guy, and totally chill. We said to the bartender- "he's a cool dude." he says- "Yeah, that is Bubba Sparks, Jordin Sparks' dad." So- there is my one degree of separation from an American Idol superstar. While I told that whole story, I totally missed her performance. I think she was wearing something sparkly. Whatever, she is cute. I like her.

This whole Glee nonsense is too much for me. I am SO stoked for this show. But I only get to watch one episode before they close for the summer. It is so messed up on so many levels.

ok- Wait a fucking minute. We are JUST NOW seeing Adam Lambert at 8:38?!?! This vote off episode is such bullshit. Let's go to San Diego. Holy crap- his local weather girl had him do her eye shadow. Seems to me that their FOX news is as lame as our fake news station, 3TV, the place with more stuff. Where are all the gay dudes running around after him!?!??! He goes back to a theater that he legitimately performed in, and it is super sweet. And I love that they show that Adam Lambert can be sweet, and won't try to make your children FABULOUS! I want a day named after me in Phoenix. Oh crap. I think I missed the flasher. HOLY CRAP they are taking him to the marine base... nice rendition of the Anthem, Adam. FYI- there weren't any Marines on base that day... ha.

So- let's send Adam to the couch again, and have them all sit there. And Katie Perry is next...

I really like that MasterCard can still use the "priceless" commercial theme. It still works, but doesn't seem outdated. How do they do that? And it isn't like there haven't been a shit-ton of parodies. We had one my sophomore year of college for our Mardi Gras sorority date dash. I didn't go to the party, but I bought the shirt. Lost it one time in the laundry, and I tried to get another one from Senior Wills but was unsuccessful. Not that it matters. The tshirt quilt that my mom was going to buy me as a graduation gift never got made. BUT the tshirts are all still in the closet of my old bedroom, so ... there's that. I found a chick online that does them- but I need it to be totally symmetrical and perfect, so I didn't hire her- based on her online photo album.

So they are sitting on the couch and I nearly just died.. they say that Katy Perry is up, and they will reveal the results after that. Apparently Gokey just wants it to be over- because the nerves are too much- and Adam yells " I JUST WANNA SEE KATY PERRY!!!" I love him.

So- I haven't heard this song. Apparently my marine sister loves this song, and was pissed that she released it. She likes to like the songs no one knows on the album. It makes her a more elite fan. So- this is about a marriage in Vegas. After a drunken night... well- the sanctity of that is serious. FYI- She kinda is annoying. I'm done with her vibrato. AND done with the camel toe caused by her unitard.

Here we go- dim the lights..... first person competing...... KRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Simon is shocked... my heart is racing... seriously... I might get sick- I am so excited. Please send danny home.. please send danny home... please send danny home..... holy crap..... get there faster! ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you America. Danny Gokey can go back to wherever the hell he is from. Let's count the dead wifeisms in his goodbye piece. 1.... two.... jump jump.... three... faux hawk.... prayer stance... spaz dance... Jaime Foxx in his face.. four... four dead wives in a 58 second vignette... excellent work Idol producers... I hope he dedicates You Are SO Beautiful to the dead wife (hey- boyf's sister- I am NOT going too far. ;) )

Kara is crying. I am elated. The crowd is clapping along... Kara is crying... Kris is shitting himself.... white girl clapping off beat.... I am elated.... Danny licks his pervo lips... Paula is on her feet.... group hug.... hey- it is 2 minutes past end time... simon says "it could be a big ding dong next week." Kris laughs his usual "simon, you're so silly" giggle.

I haven't been this excited for an Idol finale sine Justin and Kelly. OMG OMG OMG! Do you think that Kris and Adam can do a movie?!?! If you have never seen From Justin to Kelly - go rent it. NOW. Of course... in this film, they wouldn't be able to fall in love. I am sure they could find themselves in some CRAZY predicaments!!!